"“Right you are Moony! Well it seems we have a little school dance coming up.” At this James jumped out of seat and ran out of the common room." You need punctuation in here. "James ran to the library, Lily’s favorite place in Hogwarts hoping he wouldn’t catch her studying. She’d blow up if he interrupted her “study time”." A comma after Hogwarts in this sentence. '“Lily! Are you in here.” James whispered rather loudly, hoping the mean Librarian wouldn’t catch him." A question mark is needed. '
“Do you think you could help me with this transfiguration spell. I just can’t get it.” Lily hoped he would stay.' Question mark after spell. 'During the last song of the night, James was just sitting there, tapping his foot, when Lily walked over and poked him in the back.' Hahaha, Crispey, girls don't usually poke guys they like in the back. Okay, I guess it could work because of Lily being the 'fiery redhead' and all, but other that that...
Other than that, cute first story.Author's Response: Well, considering I'm a guy, I I'm fully up on all the girl habits there may or may not be.
Thanks for the reveiw. Report Review
Very fluffy and very cute. Really great for a first fic!! Good job! =)
--RPAuthor's Response: Thnaks a lot! Report Review
so far so good
hahaha keep it upAuthor's Response: Glad you liked it. Feel free to cahck out my other stories. Report Review
Great start! I love Lily and James fics. But remember to watch the punctuation: “Do you think you could help me with this transfiguration spell. I just can’t get it.” Lily hoped he would stay. She could really use his company.
You need a question mark *somewhere* in there =) But other than that, great story so far! Can`t wait to read the rest!
-Twin #1Author's Response: Well that is the rest. It was a one shot I wrote for a Writer's Duel, so it wont continue. I do however have a WIP story going that is pretty good. Feel free to check it out. Report Review
First off, let me point out that showing interest in one of your friends does not qualify as gossiping! But I do like the fact that you begin your story in a light manner. But do not forget that when there is dialogue, you have to put comma before ‘he said’ and so on. Like this: “Probably went to find Lily, /not a full stop/ ” Moony told him.
You seem to have trouble in the punctuation department /missed a couple of commas and question marks/. Also, you do not need to write ‘librarian’ with a capital letter.
Wow, how is it possible that great James Potter could not find a date to the dance :P That part struck me! But Lily was really nice afterwards.
I think that James is a bit out of character, though. He seems to be too gloomy and devastated. I don’t think he should actually show it! Try to work further on plausibility. It’s what I like to call ‘reality check’!
This is your first story? It’s good! I mean, the end was a lot hurried, and a little forced. Be honest, can you imagine this happening in the real life? Just one kiss and they are in love? It’s just hat it is happening too quickly! This is the first chapter and they are in love already. Not to mention that they were both out of character. Don’t get me wrong, it is well written and structured for a first try. The plot is not too bad, either. My suggestion is that you take it slow from now on, and you will see that it will improve in time! Good luck with your other fics :)
Author's Response: Thanks, I'll try to work on some of that in the future. Report Review
Short but sweet!Author's Response: Thanks. My other ones are longer. Report Review
this is a very nice first fic, plus it's lily/james, a ship I do like and I thought you wrote them well.I have a few mistakes to point out and some criticism to offer, but it is a nice story :). At this James jumped out of seat literally I think the 'literally' is unnecessary. but if you keep it, the word order sounds a bit off too. Actually it surprised him that it had taken this long to notice there was a dance taken this long for James to notice. I suggest htis because it sounds kind of like Remus has only just realised when I htink you meant James, maybe I'm wrong. Lily’s favorite place in Hogwarts this isn't wrong, but if you want to go British it hsould be favourite :). She had been working on the summoning charm for over an hour and had not yet mastered it I think you should change what she's practising. Charms was supposed to be her talent, Transfiguration is James's so maybe it would be better to have her struggling to Transfigure something. Other than this I thought the ending was quite abrupt. Maybe you could elaborate on the ball scene, describe what's going on, have James think more about Lily or have the Marauders try to cheer him up while there before Lily comes over to him at the end. also the last bit 'and knew they were for real' is a bit colloquial for the story, perhaps rephrase this.Although this story is short, I thought you set it out nicely and I liked the different parts to it. The interactions between the characters were well written and I liked how you included some things form canon like mention of their pranks and stuff.I really liked your characterisation here, especially of Sirius. The first part especially was good, with Hey Prongs, take a look at this.” Sirius yelled across the common room, I thought it opened it nicely, straight into the plot and Sirius was a good one to introduce it. Remus was also nicely written in this part. I also liked when Sirius said I’m sure she’d rather go with you to try to cheer up James because it is something he would do.The end was sweet and I liked Lily's hesitance and especially when she said Well, you could dance with me, that was really good and nice of Lily. Really liked this fic, great job with it :).Author's Response: Thanks for the review and I made all the changes mentioned plus a couple more. Thanks again. Report Review
“It’s just a the Gryffindor notice board.” You should delete the 'a'. ;) --- "After about an hour Lily had finally got the charm down and James and her parted ways." This sounds strange. Maybe if you write it as 'she and James parted ways' it would sound better. --- "When the two broke apart,..." 'they' --- I liked that they ended up dancing together even when they didn't come as a couple. :) --- On another note, maybe you can eliminate 'The rest is history.' Just ending it as "...they looked into each other’s eyes and knew they were for real." sounds like a nice ending to me.
Author's Response: Changes have been made, thanks for reviewing. Report Review
is saying you are a brilliant author who wrote an amazing story good enough for you?Author's Response: Thanks, but you may be overstating my writing abilities a tad. :-) Report Review
Well, it's not a bad first effort. Better than mine was, I'd say. You've got a foundation in place, and granted, you have a lot to work on, but who doesn't? You did misspell
"conceited" in your summary, but oh well, you can fix that easily. Pretty good for a first fic!Author's Response: Thanks. I'll get better next time.
Also I fixed Conceited. Report Review
VERY good. esp. for a first story!!! too sbort, but cute!Author's Response: Thanks a lot! Next'll be longer. Report Review
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