ok this sentence could definately use some revising.
They said good bye to Mr and Mrs Weasley and got on the train, Ron and Hermione went to the Prefect compartment to get their instructions from the Head Boy and Girl, while Harry and Ginny went to find a compartment on the way they met Neville, a fellow Gryffindor who’d lost, Trevor, his toad again.
a better way to write it would be
They said good bye to Mr and Mrs Weasley and got on the train, Ron and Hermione went to the Prefect compartment to get their instructions from the Head Boy and Girl, while Harry and Ginny went to find a compartment. (period) On the way, (comma) they met Neville, a fellow Gryffindor who’d lost, (if you are putting a comma there put 'his toad' in front of it, other wise take it out. if not, then leave the comma out and put a comma after 'his toad' where it is now.) Trevor, his toad again.
other than that an alright chapter.. rather weird.Author's Response: thanks for your views i really appreciate it. If i could have your email would you like to beta my work so that it reads right? Report Review
hmmm. it's ok. no offense, but i dont think you've captured the characters very well, you kind if need to put more personallity into them. and they way they were talking wasn't quite right, like for instance "Looks like their doing well don’t it”Hermione said... ron might talk like that, but hermione would definately say doesn't instead of don't. the only other thing i saw was a bunch of missing commas. i am a huge stickler for commas. so anyways, other than that its pretty good. you are a good writer. Report Review
It was an interesting story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Report Review
Yeay I'm the first to review.Hmm,right,your story...I like it a lot.Quite funny though.But I don't really like the way Harry and Ginny is.I mean its not like Harry to kiss girls in public.And its not like Ginny to call sweetie in public too.I've always imagined Harry a shy romantic kind of person.But overall,not bad.Keep it up! Report Review
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