short chapter but i think it was good and very good descriptions in it...i think you could actually combine those 2 chapters and make it one big chapter! but i do think its good! please update soon!
~*TRINA*~ Report Review
wow I liked this...this has me interested so i'm definitely going to keep reading! Report Review
oo i liike this :).
keep it up!Author's Response: Thanks so much :) I'm glad you are into it :) Report Review
Very intriguing! did you write another one?!?! Cuz I'm hooked and I want to know what happens!! Very very good!Author's Response: Due to ZERO response to this one, I haven't made it a priority to write another chapter! But, Since you have taken a liking to it -- perhaps I'll attempt to work on it again -- Thank you for the inspiration. :) Report Review
That was sinfully dark but absolutely riveting!! The only suggestion I have for this story...write more of it!! Amazing job as usual Jax! Author's Response: I will definitely write more of this one! I promise! Stepping out of my realm was hard, and this remains the most difficult story to write, but I promise I will pick it up again soon :) Thank you, deary!! I'm so glad you read it!! Report Review
ah wow, this is wonderful. it's so different from what i normally read...i love it. i truely do. i think you've done an excellent job on writing out of your realm and i will be anxiously waiting for the next chapter!Author's Response: Its so different from what I normally write!! I hope the next chapter will come soon, but with the triwizard tournement, I'm not sure... Stay tuned, and I'll be sure to update as soon as I can :) Report Review
ooh, first chapter and i'm already hooked. i love when stories do that, i know they're going to be great. must read chapter two now. good job! =DAuthor's Response: I'm so glad to hear that!! Thank you for reading -- I'm still not sure how I feel about this one... but I'm going to keep trying, just for readers like you!! :) Report Review
Great writing again. I found the part where the Dark Lord strokes her cheek creepily foreshadowing, like he wants her as more then a servant... I don't know if you intended that but that was how I percieved it... Also, when you say "Her friends and fellow Slytherins were scattered around amongst many more that she didn’t know." I'm confused. I thought that in canon, Malfoy was the only one to be a Death Eater, and you kind of reinforce that in the first chapter, setting Malfoy on a pedestal above everyone else in her mind because of his Dark Mark. Also, these two sentences contradict each other: "All that met her eyes was darkness" and "The Dark Lord was standing next to a roaring fire", you might want to cut one out, or else explain how the fire got there. Again, it was a little short, and I felt like the ending was very rushed. I think you could really expand that last paragraph. Great start overall though, and best of luck continuing this!Author's Response: Good catch on the creepy touch. ;)
I guess if I had taken a little more time, and written this section better you would know that, while Draco is the only KNOWN death eater, he wasn't the only one. Pansy was pretty in the dark about that world, and Malfoy was on a pedestal to her. I'll revise to make that more obvious :)
You've also brought to my attention that I left out a paragraph when I transferred the story over from Word... eek!!! I did contradict, but only because I forgot the top of page two!!! :)
Again -- thank you so much! I'm definetly going to take your advice and work this one over. It needs some tweeking :) THANK YOU! Report Review
Your choice of language is wonderful. Sentences like this: "Letting her tongue dance over the branded skin, she felt the ridges and valleys it left. " Wow.
I did feel like it was a little short though. Perhaps you could describe the scenario more at the beginning, something like "Dim light illuminated the spacious room. In a secluded corner, a young man lounged..." You get the idea. Also, I really like how you potray Pansy, as an independent person, not just someone who tags along to Malfoy. You still have her fawning over him, so we don't feel like she's OOC or anything - It's just a remarkable new side to her which the trio's never seen. Very believable. I do wish you would give more reasons for her ambition though - what exactly does she expect to gain from joining the Death Eaters? Just glory? Or more than that? Draco seems very surprised that she wants to join, and accepts it almost too suddenly in my opinion. I think you could really extend the dialogue between them, with him making sure she knows the consequences, and her giving more reasons for this ambition. It would also be great if you could bring Pansy's parents into this somehow - we don't really know much about them, and they aren't known as Death Eaters - perhaps she's ashamed of them, and is trying desperately to bring herself above that? Whatever you decide to make them into, it would be really nice to see them in the story.Author's Response: Ooh - you pose alot of question that I can't answer... or I'll give so much away :) I pretty much rushed into this without much thought -- so I DEFINETLY will take your suggestion to set the scene better in the beginning. You're right -- its a little...... abrupt. Pansy is my brainchild in that, she's got to have some secret... something that drives her. Trust me... she does, and it will come out -- You'll learn why Draco doesn't question her sudden interest... Patience my dear :)
I had originally had these as one chapter.... but I thought, for the sake of flow, I should split them... You're right.... too short. *sigh*
Pansy's parents will play a part :) Stay tuned :) Report Review
I personally think that you should venture "out of your realm" more often! I really enjoy the whole set-up and the POV is very original. Kudos!Author's Response: What a terrifying thought :) Thanks. I guess we all have a dark side, just yearning to break free -- even a fluffy romance writer like me :) Thank you so much!! Report Review
Wow...this was extremely riveting. You pulled me in, and kept me there for the entire chapter (which is a hard feat to acomplish since I am distracted way too easily). Wonderful!Author's Response: hehehe Thank you! I know, I have the worlds shortest attention span... keeping us interested is hard :) Thank you so much, Look for updates soon :) Report Review
There is nothing you can do better! It's PERFECT!! I love it so exhilarating I'm adding it to my favorites!Author's Response: Huzzah!! :) I'm so glad you liked it!!!! :) Yay favorites! Anyways, thank you for your support, and Check back soon! :) Report Review
Oooh, I rarely ever read Romance's because they're always so mushy and gushy and lovy dovy but this has action and I like it!!! Good job on you! You're a natural writer!Author's Response: Thank you sure... No mush and gush in this fic... Its hardcore! :) There is far more to come... no worries! Thank you so much for coming to check it out! Report Review
Bellatrix bowed low, “Yes my Lord.” and took Pansy’s arm. She leaned down and whispered in her ear, “That hurt didn’t it?”
“Yes.” Pansy admitted… She didn’t feel like she could lie to Bellatrix… She felt like she would just know…
“But you liked it, didn’t you?” her eyes sparking, searching her.
I loved the subtleties there. It emphasizes what I said in my other review about the realtionship between Pansy and Bella. I'm eager to see how you're going to develop that. I almost forgot this was out of your realm by how well it was written.
Being the Tom Nazi that I am though, lol, I thought you could work a bit more on Voldemort's dialogue. Like the part where you wrote he looked upon someone with approval. Although that shows that Pansy was strong throughout the ordeal, Voldemort would never show emotion on his face, even if he did approve of someone. Oh and he doesn't thank people. He's too arrogant for that. Those are just my opinions though, and you might characterize Voldemort differently. Take it with a grain fo salt, and don't hesitate to reject my ideas. As it is, this is already something that's going on my "follow up" list. Excllent job Jax!Author's Response: She is "baby Bella"... at least, that's how I think of her. I was actually going to ask your advice on Voldemort... I'm having a really hard time writing him... We can chat about that later thought :) Thank you Kes! I really appreciate the encouragement -- I needed it!! Report Review
Did you cut the chapter in half, or did I beta both at the same time? Anyway, back on topic. I've never been much of a Pansy and Draco shipper, but I can say that I love what you did here. Pansy really reminds me of a younger of version of Bella, a flirt and so full of ambition too. I love the twist you did with that, not like other Pansies who cling onto Draco like a leech. It really shows she's her own person, and not anyone's toy. She's running the show here, lol. Great job on the first chapter, I'm so glad you decided to take it on as a fic! Moving on!Author's Response: Yep -- I decieded to chop it in half... so the flow was a little better. Pansy sure is running the show -- that's what I love about her... she's freak, and I love her. :) I am not a Draco/Pansy shipper either. Normally, I couldn't care less about the two of them... but this was screaming for me :) Report Review
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