Again, a good beginning. Usually one's own demons are portrayed as the most dreadful foes imaginable, but Sirius doesn't seem to think so. Interesting. I'm so sad that he feels like he's already doomed to fail, but it does seem appropriate to characterize him that way.
I like what you did with Narcissa, letting her be the one who is supposed to guide poor Sirius along his journey. She's certainly all business, even at such a young age. And poor Lily! I love how you didn't make Sirius reformed the moment he stepped on board the train. He probably would be foolish enough to blurt out the "m-word" without a second thought. I also love that James and Sirius have started out as enemies. Again, you've done a great job of deviating from the cliche.
The bits with Snape were interesting as well, of course :)
The ending was so sad. I really felt a lot of pity for poor Sirius, who is carrying more pressure than any eleven-year-old should ever have to. Are you planning to continue writing this at some point in the future? I'd be curious to see how you write the Blacks' reaction to Sirius's little deviation.
Great work :)
academica (Slytherin)Author's Response: I really want to pick this story up again as I love the Sirius I've written here. I find growing up in a family like the Blacks could conjure up some interesting demons. It's definitely hard though, I think, when Sirius feels like he really doesn't belong in this family and that he isn't sure he can live up to their expectations for him.
I really liked the idea of having Cissy guiding Sirius. The Blacks' heir is going off to Hogwarts and it's vital that he live up to the expectations they set for him. It's only natural his older cousin help him along the way.
I don't find it natural for Sirius to automatically be a converted Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat obviously saw something in him that didn't fit in Slytherin but Sirius grew up listening to his family drone on about blood purity and aristocracy - that stuff is ingrained in you and you can't magically change the way you've grown up thinking, you know? It makes more sense for him to struggle with this change and how to accept it.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
I love the way this one started out, with poor Sirius trapped under the vigilant eyes of his perfectionist parents. I'm not entirely sure "inexpert" is a word, though. "Inept" may be a better fit there. You may want to double-check. I also love the idea of Sirius playing piano. It's so far off from what I usually read of him, but I can imagine him working on it while still living under his parents' roof. Very interesting.
I also loved the way you portrayed the Sirius/Regulus relationship. Regulus is the ideal child, but now Sirius has a chance to go off and make a name for himself. It's sort of sad to know that that name will not make his parents proud, and it's even sadder to think about this already fragile relationship between brothers falling apart completely.
Well done, as usual. Off to chapter two!
academica (Slytherin)Author's Response: The idea of playing the piano and not being very good at it stemmed from a piece I had written for my Creative Writing class. I do believe that inexpert is a word but I can see where it might not sound correct. I have this image of the Blacks as this aristocratic family that expects a lot of their children and so I love the idea of the brothers learning to play the piano.
I really love writing Sirius/Regulus and I want to write more of their brotherly interactions. You're making me really want to continue this story!
Thanks for the reviews! Report Review
Your writing is amazing. I'm instantly into the story and the feel of the quiet yet thoughtful mood of Sirius. With just a small example of Sirius' piano lessons, you manage to convey the arrogance and high expectations of his parents and the little real love and affection they give him.
The interaction between Regulus and Sirius was equally brilliant. Without even putting much history or background, you can see the fact that they don't often have a communicated closeness/affection, but it's there to whatever degree but that there's also a jealousy, this barrier that keeps them apart that much more.
Though this chapter was only about 800 words, your introduction of your central character and his relationship with his family was very well done!
charlottetrips [fellow 'Claw!]Author's Response: Thank you! This fic was supposed to be my baby but it's mostly abandoned now. I thought it would be fun to explore the depths of the Black family dynamic. I love writing Regulus and Sirius together so I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. Thank you for reviewing and leaving such nice words. :) Report Review
This is really strange. In a good way, of course, but all the same. Sirius is so intent on getting the crown in this story, it's amazing. I rather like this uppity, regal Sirius Black, he's a stark contrast from the other ones that are written. And I LOVE Lily. She's just so wonderful. You make me smile--update this! :)Author's Response: Thanks, I really really want to continue to write this story. It's just been so long I'm worried I won't be able to start up where I left off. I'll try though. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Wow--this is really good. It's almost sad (to me) the stoic relationship between all of them, but at the same time, it's like. . .interesting, for lack of better word. They're so formal with each other, and I don't like it, but I still can't help but find myself wanting to know more about the Black family. They're such a strange bunch of people. Insane, lethal, regal.
Wonderful chapter! :)
-Katherine045 (Slytherin!)Author's Response: Thanks for the review. This is definitely how I imagine the Black family to be like - very regal, formal and stiff. I can imagine Sirius having to be dressed impeccably and just being this aristocratic Pureblood. :) Report Review
I absolutely LOVED this chapter, even more than the first one!
Everything was brilliantly done: the fight on the train, the "discussion" with Lily, and above all, the sorting. A lot of authors have Sirius not want to end up in Slytherin because he feels that he doen't belong there, but I've always thought that he was probably very influenced by his family, and that he would probably need some time to see how wrong the Blacks are...
I can't wait to see what will happen next, and I hope that you update soon :)Author's Response: I hope I update soon too! I really don't want to abandon this story so I'll try really hard to work on getting a new chapter up. :) Report Review
First: I love it! I love Sirius Black, and I always like reading about his family. He seems to be very in character.
I thought Regulus was exceptionally well written. I liked him a lot, and his interaction with Sirius. The mutual jealousy makes it all real, although I don't know if jealousy is the right word on Sirius' side, but you hopefully got my meaning :)
The only CC would be the last two lines: I don't know, I tend to think that they could have been a bit better, if you don't mind me saying so :)
Great chapter!Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing. I'm happy with the last two lines, but thanks for pointing out that they didn't work for you. I'll try harder to make everything else better. :P Report Review
Oh my goodness, it was AMAZING! I love the way you portrayed Sirius. He's young and for once he acts it. Most of the stories I read that begin in 1st year have Sirius acting older than he is. I also loved Regulus' portrayal. I can't wait until you update. Author's Response: Thank you. I've been thinking of updating this story for a while now but I haven't had much ideas. Report Review
"But as he is standing on Platform 9 3/4, the scarlet train before him waiting to usher the first Black since Narcissa to Hogwarts, the excitement of leaving his family and his determination to become the prince he is destined to be has vanished. " This is such a perfectly executed description, a proper insight to the character of Sirius, and a typical child sort of thinking range. It was such a nice introduction to the opening of the chapter, also.
The restraint Sirius' parents grate upon him is also cleverly shown and with a certain vasity of skill.
The way you compare Sirius to Narcissa is so wonderfully done -Narcissa knocking a first-year over and Sirius immediatly going to pick her up. Even if someone didn't know the basic outline of the marauders and the fact that Sirius was not made a Slytherin, you have a clear foreshadowing that this is going to happen.
Wow, I loved the conflict between Sirius and James, and how you carefully ease it towards friendship. It was just so nicely done - all the introductions to the characters and the immature way in which only a child can behave. "He looks at James out of the corner of his eye and hopes for some sort of wart to pop onto his face" - I picked this out because I love it; it made me laugh and it highlights the exact sort of behaviour I am talking about.
I love the way you describe the "crown slipping from his fingers" - his very identity unravelling to string him out into nothing, so that he feels almost desolate in his isolation that so deeply contrasts him from his family memebers. You built the tension in walking over to the Gryffindor table really well, and gave me the ability to visualise this.
Wow, your description of Lupin was beautiful - so simplistic yet so affective within its broadened imagery. I also admire how you can make them all converse in such a child-like way, not placing yourself here within their words as an author, but making it seem almost as if they are real. Ok, that doesn't make sense, my point is - you portray your charactrers beautifully and make them very real. Another compliment to you is that you are able to contain Sirius' character as a Black, with the dropped hints of prejudice and slight indications of spite, yet you do not make him totally evil, which is spot on and dead on character. VERY good.
And you rounded this all off so well. The discomfort at the table, the slight hurt Sirius may have felt at the jibes about poisoning food, the brief indication in his bitterness at his family's disappointment and then finally the depression that acknowledges he has lost everything that considered him valuable and in fact, the common room really does feel like home - a proper home, not one of cold and pretence that has restricted him so long. You leave this so full of promise and I'd really, really love it if you wrote some more. Report Review
I absolutely adore your writing style. It's beautiful and mastered with such a clever technique that ensnares the reader and holds them fast until the words end in a torrent of stunning lexis that leaves one hungering desperatly for more. I love how you portrayed Regulus in this - he is a particular favourite of mine, and an author can do so much with him due to the little information we have recieved from JK. I just love this so much, I wish it was mine. :-) Off to the next chapter . . . Report Review
o, well i supose a younger brother would be jelous of his older brother Report Review
There arn't many words to describe this story, though you have used many. So I'll start off with. Amazing story. Extremly well writen. Its really interesting and every sentence makes me want more.(that sounds so dirty) Update really soon.
wowza. sirius not happy to upset his parents? hope the resentment and bitterness dont kick in too hard! keep writing-its a good story so far! Report Review
good peice of writing cannot wait till the next installment keep up the good work Report Review
Wow, this was even better than the first one. I enjoyed it immensely, especially how James and Sirius weren't friends from the start. A lot of people (I myself am rather guilty of this) will have James and Sirius being quite chummy on the train, and they usually don't even consider the fact that Padfoot and Prongs may have even shown some relatively hostile feelings toward each other. Once again, this was absolutely brilliant! Can't wait to read more! Report Review
Excellent start, very well written. I like how you distinguish the differences between Sirius and Regulus. One wants to be stand apart from his family, another wants to please. This was lovely! Off to Chapter Two! *clicks excitedly* Report Review
What a great chapter! I can't wait to see how you bring Sirius and James together to become friends. This is probably one of my favorites about Sirius so far, I am adding it to my list. Can't wait for the next chapter! Report Review
I love your writing style. This chapter captures the reader easily! I love how you portrayed Mrs. Black. I always have trouble getting her to act like an actual mother instead of an old hag! Report Review
You give Mrs Black such a voice, it is exactly how I imagined her to be and exactly the words she would have said to impact on Regulus and Sirius in such different ways. I love that little moment between Reg and Sirius before the train departs, it's so brotherly: warm jealous and complex. And you say it without any pomp or ceremony.Loved every single about the Lily/James/Sirius interaction, it's the most fitting thing in the world that Sirius would say something like that, that James would instantly be prejudiced, that Sirius wouldn't like him. Young kids are impressionable and it'll take them both a while to overcome their parent's opinions. They both come off as little idiots, though. I love how Lily is basically the ringleader of their gang, fussing over them and showing some of that temper and impatience for them that we best know her for.You've constructed an original, rich and very interesting take on the era of MWPP, you know I'll be coming be back for more.Author's Response: Thanks Lauren. You didn't have to review, you know, since you told me you read it. But I appreciate the fact that you did. "Young kids are impressionable and it'll take them both a while to overcome their parent's opinions." I completely agree, which is why I've made Sirius the way he is instead of 'instant best buds' with James and already a rebel at the age of eleven. I have always loved Lily's character so to be able to show her this way at eleven is nice (because I have never written any of them as first years before). It'll be fun to write how her interactions with each of the boys changes throughout the story. Report Review
The depth of the expectance that Sirius is feeling on his first day is quite awful really, I feel so sorry for him, trying so hard to be what is required of him, the cloud of expectance and the weight of disappointment on his shoulders’. I think it's his fear of that disappointment that is the most cloying though, tragic too. I am pleased to see that Sirius doesn’t immediately get on with James; it's a nice touch that most people don’t think of, why would they be ‘Bestest Buds’ straight away. The fight was fantastic to read, and so schoolboy like. I love Lily’s reaction too, because she’s right really isn't she. Sirius’ thoughts on Snape are interesting; I liked the description about the secrets he hides. The best bit, the part I enjoyed the most, was the sorting. I really felt Sirius’ fear then, it just dropped like a lead weight upon him. I really found this to be loaded with emotion, and the narrative voice you use is really wonderful. I’m looking forward to the next update :)Author's Response: The sorting was my absolute favorite part to write. Just because I could write that disappointment and fear. While you are looking forward to the next update, I am looking forward to your next review. :P Report Review
Ouch. That really was a downfall from his parent's expectations. 'Mother and father wanted me to make sure that you boarded the train all right and that you don’t associate yourself with anyone you shouldn’t.' You need to capitalize father. I like this one shot much more than the last.Author's Response: It's been fixed. Thanks Sophia. :) Report Review
You know, not many people can write present tense and get away with it. You're lucky. I like how Regulus actually shows some emotion in the last part. This isn't the most dramatic chapter or anything of that sort, but it's good nonetheless. Report Review
Another amazing chapter. You have a very poetic way of writing, and I like how you write in the present. It really makes it more poetic, raw, and real. I liked how you managed to weave in some humor through the conversation between Sirius and the Sorting Hat, but still managed to keep his thoughts and feelings apparent. This chapter was incredibly telling about the expectations that are broken. The way you set this up, too, helped. In the beginning, the weights are being piled upon him as his mother lectures him and straightens his clothing, and though he isn't listening, he realizes what he, as a Black, should do. The fact that Regulus was paying more attention than Sirius also was a good detail you slipped in. Then, as he walks into the hall, so sure that he is a Slytherin and so sure that those expectations must be lived up to, that is such an important part because it shows that he has basically understood that his name has basically thrown a carpet down in front of him that he is expected to walk upon, to a predetermined destination. But as he steps off that carpet and onto the ground, sorted into Gryffindor, you did an amazing job of showing how intimidating they seemed, when one would imagine Slytherin to be more intimidating. That really portrays his upbringing because he has much of a different viewpoint. You also did a good job of showing a certain prejudice against his sort, and how he not accepted anywhere, anymore. The scenes with Lily and James were very good and imaginative, and you managed to slip Remus and Peter in, too. I liked the way you showed how his parents actually did mean something to him, and how their disappointment would hurt him; that really gives an explanation for some of his bitterness in later years.
You did a good job showing the Gryffindor house and its differences with Slytherin, and what he expected. You also managed to slip Regulus into it again, and show that Regulus eventually would gain his parents favor, as Sirius was the rebel, and he was their follower. Amazing job, once again. It's almost like reading poetry. Report Review
The way you write slowly draws the reader in to the point where it is unrealistic to think about tearing your eyes off the page. From the very beginning, it's impossible not to want to continue reading. The scene with the piano was perfect because you portrayed it as if it were an art that a prince must learn for refinery. The coldness in the air was palpable; the way Mr. and Mrs. Black were strict with their son and his upbringing was visible. The strictness of his lifestyle and the expectations that he must live up to weigh heavily even upon the reader. The way you write draws the reader into Sirius. In this short prologue, you've developed so much character and set so much of a scene. The interaction between Sirius and Regulus was superb. From the point of Regulus sitting down next to Sirius and playing the piano, you've really shown their relationship. You've done a wonderful job of portraying Regulus as the one who wants the life he has; the one who works for it, since he obviously practices with his whole heart, and Sirius being the one who is reluctant to take what is handed to him, which is evident in the way that he plays the piano. The way that you showed Regulus as the son that would probably grow into his parents' dream, and Sirius as the one who would rebel was subtle, but the line "Sirius is hear to the throne and the crown but it is Regulus who wants it more" is especially poetic and telling. The paragraphy "It takes a few moments for everything to click..." is also very telling as it further develops their relationship and Regulus' character. Amazing job with this prologue and I cannot wait to read the next chapter! Report Review
That was a good start. The portrayal of Regulus was really good. I really liked the whole Regulus is jealous of Sirius part. Hmm well I don't really know what else to write. I mean I'm reading a marauder fic. Ahhh so not me. But you're special so I'm reading it. lol Off to the next chapter! ♥ Lisa Report Review
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