Just letting you no the format for your second chapter is strange. Not the way you did it just the format of the web page.
I loved your story so far. Im looking foward to where you take this. Report Review
I like your story a lot. It's a smoother read than previously. Your plot can't be faulted; and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Hope it will be as soon as; but I'll still be an eager follower whatever. A convert to crossover!Author's Response: Thank you, It's always nice to hear reviews like that, I have submitted the reworked second chapter so it should be up in a few days... I'm gonna try hard to rework and expand upon the original but at the moment i'm writing a pirate novel for my nephew so I'll update as frequently as i can. Since your a convert or crossovers i will give you a heads up... in later chapters there will be a Charmed and Wizards of Waverly Place crossover. Report Review
i like the way the chapter is going and can't wait to read what happens next.Author's Response: Thank you, I'm currently reworking the chapter so I'm not sure when it'll be up, hopefully soon. Report Review
The criticism that you need to restructure your dialog is dead on. As a general rule any time you change speakers you should start a new paragraph. You also need to use proper punctuation within quotes. It is causing confusion and making your readers enjoy your story less.
Personally, it seems you are writing a Gary Stu story. And Draco suddenly becoming good breaks the bounds of believability. Not only should Draco not change his attitude so quickly ("Mudbl-- Grang-- Hermione" and abracadabra he's all cool and good?) but Harry and Hermione should remain extremely suspicious of him.
I would suggest in your rewrite that you *severely* restrict Billy's powers. If he's going to have a versatile power like energy manipulation (apparently psychic-based) that it require a lot of mental effort on his part and that he not be at superhuman levels of physical strength at the same time.
Good luck with the rewrite!Author's Response: Yea i was basically criticizing myself, i know i can write better. The way i wrote it before seemed like everything happened in a snap, it was to quick. I never even thought about it but since you mention it its more of Gary Stu lol. When i first thought of Billy's powers it started out Dragon ball z'ish and i'm trying not to make Draco change overnight more in this one... the one i had written before was 5 years ago and i only got to the third chapter. Report Review
That suck i was enjoying but now i got to start all over thanks a lotAuthor's Response: Sorry it'll still be basically the same story but i didn't like how i wrote some of it so i chose to rewrite. Some of the plot will change. Report Review
i gall my brother bubba, he's younger
i love the intor
and dam this chapter is so long
but i liked it, a lotAuthor's Response: thank you Report Review
woa... i like it, but its so off the wall... this is going to be an interesting story. ^^ so far so good, lets see the rest of it.Author's Response: Thank you, im going to try to post more when i can Report Review
i really liked that but when some one starts talking start a new line. it got kind of confusing. great plot though. you're on my favslistAuthor's Response: thanks Report Review
hey dude!!!! ITS ME THE WONDERDUL BRI!!!! aka hp77fanactic. i like it so far, the only thing is is that the way u have the sentences (the tlking parts) is kinda confusing, but its really good!! i like the idea!!!! NEways, im gonna email u through yur contact thingy, so yeah. c u l8er then!Author's Response: thanks for the review, i do add a lot of dialog, sometimes i get a little carried away with it lol. A heathy dose of critisism never hurts anyone lol. I'm writting the third chapter at the moment so i'll post it when i get done. Report Review
thats cute!!!! i like it!! but i gtg because there is school tomorrow and my mom will kill me!!!! good night!!!Author's Response: woooo... my first review, thank you lol. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection