hey where's the rest of it??? Good start so far. Good action and introspection. Report Review
good job with your story. i like lunas fathers charecter alot.when will you make another chapter? Report Review
you're story just keeps getting better and better. i LOVE your plotline. keep up the great work. can't wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: Glad you liked it. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Sorry for taking so long to post this review! In answer to your concerns, I don't think this chapter's in any way inferior to the others; in fact it's wonderful to see how much your writing improves with each successive chapter. If this chapter shows up as having fewer reads that's probably just because of people like me skimming over previous chapters again before reading/reviewing this one. Also, does your story move on the category page? Neither of my fics do, so sometimes it takes people longer to realize that a new chapter's been posted. Also, less new people will notice it exists. Unfortunate, I know. =(
Anyway, on to your story... Your vocabulary has expanded alot, and therefore your writing has gotten much more descriptive. There are still some grammar mistakes, but they're much less obvious. I love the little bits of humor you sneak into the story - I especiallly loved your characterization of Finley. Makes me wonder if there's any truth to his story... I think that this chapter would be much stronger though if you made the ending more suspenseful. You might get more reviews that way as well. I would end this chapter after the following paragraph: "Harry made his way out of the shop, together with Ron and Hermione and walked to the rendezvous point, in front of the Weasley’s Wizard Whezees. When they were reaching the only shop that was unaffected by Voldemort’s return a loud, desperate female scream filled the air; a familiar voice.“Ginny!"" Then you could just use the remaining part of the chapter as the beginning of the next chapter - it's definitely good writing and you should keep it in your story, but I think the structure of the chapter would be alot stronger if you ended it there. Good luck with the next chapter, be sure to PM me so I can review!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you think I'm improving. I can only hope it continues that way. As for the chapter structure... I need the beginning of chapter 7 to be... well, the beginning. I know I could make a small cliffie here, but i'd rather keep chapter 7 as i's going to be. Report Review
I LOVE this line: "The dream always started with Sirius falling through the veil over and over again as if there was some God of dreams with a twisted sense of humor. " If you could make all your sentences like that, it would be SO wonderful. Your writing's improved alot since chapter 2, but there are still a number of sentences that could be inmproved. This one especially should be changed "Outside, the garden had changed to the wedding decoration." I really liked your description of the wedding ceremony though - so many people make it just like an ordinary wedding, but here you've been very creative with the idea. The scene with the Fidelius charm was well-done too, although I really don't think Lupin would have wanted to keep the portarit up - I think it's more likely he would have cheered.Author's Response: Thanks for another review! Well, as for improving writting... it's called experience =) Chapter 1 was the first thing I ever wrote here, but it was beta'ed. Chapter 2 wasn't, therefore it's bound to have less value than the rest. I do hope to improve till I can make decent descriptions.
As for Lupin... personally he wants the portrait taken away from the house, but he feels that destroying is a bit too much. That's the way i think he would think.
That's so sad, that at his first birthday party, the first presents he opens are all depressing... I love the cake part too. One thing though: I really don't think Mrs. Weasley would say something like "HE’LL THINK WE DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT IT AND WE JUST WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN!”" I can definitely imagine her yelling at the twins, just not in those words. Also I think you should cut out this part: "A/N – The word used by Harry wasn’t really ‘damn’. This was just the solution I found to avoid tedious rating/warning modifications." It really detracts from the flow of the story to see an author's note in the middle. If it's really important to you, I would either put it at the end, or better yet, just say something like: "Harry swore. 'Ok, you can come,' he said..." I love this sentence about McGonagall: "She looked strange in an informal party robe, as if she was out of her environment." So perfect. The zucchini thing totally cracked me up too, epecially Ron's grade, lol. I really hope to see more of it in future chapters. ;-) I thought it was a little weird though that he went into his room with Ron to open the presents - why didn't he open them while everyone was there? Wonderful note from Dumbledore, I love the way you ended this chapter.Author's Response: I have this thing with re-reading my work... as usual, you are right. The authors note will be removed. Now that I think of it... what was i thinking? Riddle must had been posessing me when I wrote that.
You liked zucchini! =) It will definitively have an important role, somewhere in future chapters. Thanks for the review, and for taking the time to point out so many things. Many people wouldn't bother and I always want to see how can I improve my work. Report Review
This chapter was good - much less grammar mistakes than the previous one, although there are still a few I noticed. I love the scene where Hermione greets Harry - it's so in character and really made me laugh. I love how you build up all that suspense with something very serious (the letter) and then Fred and George come and it's all forgotten. You have a great knack for being able to write everyone perfectly in character, it's really wonderful.Author's Response: Fred and George do have this ability to make serious business disappear, don't you think? I'm glad you think everyone is in character, as one of my biggest fears it to make everyone have similar personalities without noticing. Thanks for the review! Report Review
This chapter had alot of good dialogue in it - I especially liked the conversation between Harry and Dudley. Very witty. However, in your more descriptive paragraphs, especially at the beginning, many of the sentences are worded awkwardly. For example, in this sentence: "Mostly his nightmares focused on the hatred look on Snape’s face and slow motioning the jet of green light hitting Dumbledore in his chest," "hatred" is not an adjective, and therefore can't be placed in front of "look" like that - it should be "look of hatred." Also, "motioning" is not a word. The way I would phrase this sentence is: "Usually, Harry's nightmares focused on the look of hatred adorning Snape's face as the green jet of light shot out of his wand in slow motion, hitting Dumbledore squarely in the chest." Here I've expanded the vocabulary a little, and also used "Harry" instead of "he," as it's at the beginning of a paragraph, and you've just been mentioning alot of people in the last sentence, so it helps to clarify who you're talking about. Obviously, there are many other ways to word this sentence nicely, it's just a little awkward as you have it. I would go back and check all of your sentences for things like this, I think it would help the story to flow alot more smoothly.Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time of pointing out all those things. I know there are some mistakes throughout the chapters. Only chapter one was beta'ed before my beta vanished into thin air.. =( I'll try to find someone who can beta and this will be much more readable. Report Review
wow... i love your style. the atmosphere you set up at the beginning was so... mysterious! i love the way you characterized voldemort, bella, snape, and lucius. they're all perfectly in character. jianna is so unusual and intriguing as well... i can't wait to find out the reasons behind everything she does. i was confused though as to why she and malfoy couldn't be in the clearing at the same time? perhaps i'll find out later... voldemort's plan is such an unique twist, i'm really looking forward to seeing where this is going!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Yeah, all things you mentioned will be explained later. But for the malfoy/jianna thing... i'll just say that it has something to do with trust. Report Review
Hey, it's Imperfect Cry from the boards.
I think this story is amazing. It's very well-written (I know I say that a lot), and you stay very true to Rowling's style of writing, it reminds me constantly of the original HP series. The only thing that I can say to you is to keep writing, because this story is worth it. And, judging by the fact that Ginny was attack already, I can only assume that you've got more plot twists up your sleeve.Author's Response: You're a life safer, you know? This chapter has so few readers... I was wondering what was wrong with it. Thanks for reviewing! And I do have some plot twists... *rubs hands* At least I hope so! Report Review
Nope, not really rushed, as you said. I like it, going to favorites.Author's Response: Thanks! But the rushed part (or at least I think it is) is in chapter 6, currently waiting for validation. Report Review
The opening scene was great, you use descriptive words to creat mind pictures for the reader. This is a good start, I would like to start by commenting on your OC and canon charactors.
I think you made Voldemort believable, most people just make him a mad-man who goes around and kills everyone. You define him as calm, logical, evily smart, and classic bad guy. I am eagar to fine out what happens. You also make him call Bella-Bella. Which he does in the books, very canon!
You're OC shows potintial. I am hoping you make her clever and not just fell for a good guy, I want this story to flow smoothly. I like your ideas for her and hope you continue the gloomest.
The dialogue was also good, along with the descriptions. As far as I can see you made no mistakes with spelling or grammar, there might have been a comma(s) mistake, but that isn't important. Everyone makes them. You use the power of English words in this story, creating story line, catchy dialogue, and descriptive passages. You caught the reader's(or at least mine)attenion and kept me hooked. As a reminder use more action and excitment for the readers, it is good to keep the energy high. Sorry I'm a dancer..:P.
I hope you continued to write well and receive reviews for your great work. I will be reading!
~Elizabeth~Author's Response: Wow. When you talk about big you mean it! And we writers love it =) Me making my dear Jianna fall for a good guy? Shivers.... Oh no! I have much better plans for her. I also like action... but the this being a chaptered fic I can't action my way through everything. But I promise there will be plenty of action before either Harry or Voldemort join Sirius and company... Report Review
good chapter! i'm really liking your story so far! i think that all of the characters are IC too. and i loved the wedding scene. good job!Author's Response: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I was a bit worried first that it would be a little too invented but if you liked it =) Report Review
Interesting! It was a lovely chapter! I adored the part about the wedding as Voldemorts back and the wedding brings some happiness into their lives! Pm me when you finish the next chapter! I can't wait! :)Author's Response: Glad you liked it, but it's kind of JKR's idea to have a wedding in it. I just made up the details. Report Review
I wanna know what happens next!!! Please PM me when u finish t he next chapter please! It's been a brilliant story up till now and I couldn't spot any areas you could improve on. I am a young reader so you might find my opinion different from someone else's. I t was a pleasure reading and reviewing your story and hope you keep on writing because you have a talent! :)Author's Response: Me and talent... in the same sentence without any negative words... that sounds good! I won't forget to Pm you! Report Review
I don't have much to say about this chapter! But it is a mystery where those letters went, they must have been intercepted - Oops!!!! I'm glad Fred nad George are in the story to spice it up a bit! Author's Response: Missing letters... I know where they went *evil grin*
But i won't say until the right time comes! Report Review
It was a bit emotional due to Harry leaving the Dursleys but apart from that another brilliant chapter! And I've seen that the story relates back to the other books quite a lot of times which connects this with them and talented writers can do that! :)Author's Response: I do try to keep in mind what happened in the previous books. Thanks for the review! Report Review
I'm intruiged and mystified by this story!
I must read on. At this moment I am feeling that u are a great author! Let's see what suprises lay ahead and what I think of your next chapter! Your Beta did a great job 2! :) Report Review
alright, i see you've got your spacing fixed out in this chapter, much easier to read. couple pointers with commas with quotations when people are speaking. this is the proper way to use one. "blah blah blah," said harry. not: "blah blah blah", said harry. i noticed that a couple of times during your story, but perhaps it was a typo. another thing with commas is you always use them instead of a period when a person is speaking unless it's a question or you want to use an exclaimation point or you end it with '...' also as i said in the last chapter review you do not need to use dashes when people are finished speaking or before they start speaking again. i'm sorry if you already knew all this, but i thought i'd point it out for you. now story wise this has a very good plot and dialouge. you also have a way with descriptions that paint an image in my head without using too much and clogging down the story. i'm looking forward to reading your next chapter, please update soon! awesome job so far!Author's Response: Yay! Lenghty review! Thanks for the advice on commas and quotations. I think that I have that covered now. Future chapters will be posted without that kind of mistakes and the same goes for dashes. Thanks for the review! Report Review
alright another good chapter with good dialogue. a couple of points though. one would be after a person speaks you do not need a dash. ex. "blah blah blah," - harry said. - "blah blah blah." take out the dashes, they're not needed. second would be to space your paragraphs out, it makes it MUCH easier to read. other than that you have a good story. Report Review
good first chapter, you instantly got me hooked, which is a good, yet hard thing to do! i thought that it was written really well, you have a nice way with words. and it's a unique idea, i've personally never seen a story like this one. good job! Report Review
Great job!! Please continue. I am really enjoying it. Report Review
Oh, a nice fluffy chapter. I like it. I enjoyed the banter between people, and I think you portrayed the pesonalitys well, spacing, yet again. Report Review
You have a good use of an extensive vocabulary, to make things more interesting. You really should add more spacing because it all looks more or less like a big blob of words. It's very difficlt to see wher paragraphs begin and end. But your writing is quite impressive, keep it up! Report Review
This is hermionegirl from the review thread
This is quite the chapter. It instantly got me hooked. Most of your grammar us correct, but a few commas are missing. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: well, commas were never my biggest strengh. And it's even harder for me cause my native language isn't english. Thanks for the review! Report Review
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