First of all, an "eye-catching" introduction is key to a good story. Your beginging is slighting dry. If I were you, then I would use either descriptive or rich diction to make it addicting for readers. Also, try to avoid the run-on sentences . . . oh, and Harry Potter doesn't have brown hair. Remember that Rowilng describes his hair and jet-black and messy. I understand that this is your first fanfiction, but it does need work. Although, the story is interesting. Author's Response: Thank You for the criticism, I appreciate it, especialy since this is my first fic. Report Review
Very strong beginning here. Very dark and ominous and you've created a strong character that is willing to choose her own path. You have a few grammar errors, but none that impact the story greatly. Your dialogue and descriptions are well-balanced. Great work, I look forward to reading more of your work.Author's Response: Thank You, for the criticism, and I will update the fic A.S.A.P.....as soon as I edit this chapter and make a few changes. Report Review
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