Sorry i've just reviewed your peice and wrote out a correct layout for a paragraph from your story but when i copied it is set it out wrong. That's why it looks like i haven't actually changed anything. Report Review
Below I am going to write a completely honest review in the hopes that it will aid you in your story writing rather than hurting your feelings which I am not aiming to do. I know I feel I would rather people were honest and offered me ways of improving rather than lying and giving me false hopes. I am not holding back; if you are offended easily do not read this.
Overall I feel this story is quite weak. The storyline has no real pulling factors (although I do realise you do have a hidden twist in the tail coming-all I can say is it better be really good!) and is quite weak. It is also not backed up by the standard of writing, which if improved will enhance the general level of the story. I know that it is unfinished and hope that the storyline will develop.
I would like to offer you some constructive criticism and ways I feel you could improve your story. Firstly your story is set out incorrectly- speech should be set out on a new line from the writing before it, every time a new person speaks. For example the opening paragraph should be written:
âDraco was awoken by his house elf on September 1st.
âGood morning master Malfoy; it is time to get up and get ready to go to Hogwarts sir. May I fetch your breakfast sir?â He said in a hushed and squeaky voice. Draco grunted and said,
âYes, Iâll have some bacon and eggs.â The house elfâŚâ
If you do take this advice and alter your layout I would also suggest adding in more detail to the opening line. For example, what kind of day is September the first? Where is Draco when he wakes up? What is it like? Etc.
The incorrect layout of the story makes it hard to read and appears sloppily and gives a sub-conscious feeling of amateurish writing. Also it makes it difficult to tell who is saying what at some points. If you are going to add lines between paragraphs keep it consistent because in some places it seems oddly set out.
I feel that the issue of Dracoâs mother being beaten is dealt with in an insensitive way and reads as if it was thrown in just for the hell of it. Rather than it being something that is part of the characters. If this was happening surely it would have a much greater effect on the characters? Describe Dracoâs feelings towards the situation more- How long itâs been going on, how he would like to help but heâs scared of his father, how it makes him feel etc. Treat the issue with extreme sensitivity, making it seem like more of a deal.
I generally get the feeling that you are imagining yourself as the main character through your descriptions of her. She is too perfect and unreal and it is obvious the character is formed on your ideas of what Dracoâs perfect girl would be (apart from her being muggle born but weâll get to that later). This is seen in her reactions to Pansy, she is able too answer her with âattitudeâ with Dracoâs reaction being âcool!â There is also the probability of a fight breaking out if it hadnât been interrupted. This is very similar to another Draco/new character story I read where the new character ridiculously went around beating everyone up, obviously to Dracoâs positive reaction. The converse with Pansy just seems like a vehicle to show Draco that this girl is strong and cool. Also although I do not know what her secret is I can tell it will most likely be a way of glorifying the character rather than developing her.
All I can suggest is trying to distance yourself from the character, thinking about how things would happen if this were reality and you werenât the author but someone else was. What do you think would be the true outcome of events and peoples reactions to them?
The events in the story give the idea that this is your fantasy by being very unrealistic in the world of Harry Potter, which is common for fantasy- mostly they would never real happen so ridiculous circumstances need to be created to make them work. For example the extra common room for the new prefectâs. One who just happens to be Draco and one Reika (the new girl whoâs been there for five minutes) which gives them the obvious opportunity of easily sneaking into each others rooms. Itâs just too perfect and too obvious for where you want your story to go. Iâm not telling you to change this but explain it in higher detail, describing why it was decided that there would be another common room for them. Has this been changed recently? How come they suddenly decided to put members of different houses together? What if the students didnât want to leave their old room? Show that there were negative things Dumbledore and the other has to comprehend before they made this decision.
Throughout the entire story your intentions are too obvious as a person rather than as an author. By that I mean itâs easy to see that you are making the characters do things that you would want to happen to you (the story is too personal) rather than them being the natural reaction due to characters feelings and history. Such as the part where Draco blows Reika a kiss, Draco is a character that does not like to show his feelings. Especially not to a âmudbloodâ he has only known for a week. Although there is a small mention of his worries about her being muggle born I think it would create more of a struggle and inner conflict for him and this would give him even more reason not to show his feelings for her (which by the way have developed amazingly quickly, make it an obvious physical attraction that develops into an emotional relationship as they donât actually know each other very well) Also the fact that all the other girls seem to be jealous of Reika because Draco likes her is unrealistic. Have you forgotten that most of the school hates him because he is nasty to nearly everyone? Why does everyone suddenly fancy him? Heâs gone from bastard enemy to the hottest boy in school in the space of a few weeks. And also here he is playing truth or dare with Roger Davies and Terry Boot-not likely. Both of whom seem to have no reaction whatsoever to sharing a dorm with him.
You could make it more realistic by adding in a conversation between Terry and Roger about how they hate having to share with Draco, which maybe Draco overhears. Also Terry and Roger could decide to play truth or dare leaving Draco out, although Draco could ask to play. Show that they are reluctant to let him play but them maybe turn his dare into a way for them to get back at him. Also during truth or dare one of the boys seems to give orders saying, âwhat weâre (you have written âwereâ by the way) going to do is this, weâre gonna get ready for bed, then weâll play, ok?â This seems odd to me. I think it would be better to have one boy say, âletâs play truth or dareâ and then in description describe them getting ready for bed before playing.
Also the unrealistic clearly fantasy ideas behind the story can also be seen in the their speech, which is very uncharacteristic. This is seen throughout the story and certainly in the scene with Reika and Malfoy when he asks her to go for a walk and the first thing he says is âI hate mudbloods donât youâ but oh no, of course Reikaâs a mudblood isnât she. I canât imagine a sixteen year old boy taking a girl for a walk and exclaiming that he hates mudbloods before he even comments on how she looks, or school, or anything. There would be some sort of small talk before Draco dives in to a very strong personal statement.
This is obviously just a way for Draco to upset Reika. Are you trying to develop his character here? Because it isnât very clear why this happens in the overall scheme of things. If you really wanted him to upset her it would be a much better idea to either use something else that upsets her or cloud the actual statement in a conversation. Have them talk about general stuff and then gently sway the conversation towards muggle related things and have Draco comment nonchalantly (as he would in the presence of someone he assumes is a pureblood) that he dislikes muggles/muggle born witches and wizards and give a reason. Also giving a reason would increase the insult.
Also sometimes on the story you change tenses. One time it is in the first chapter and is midway through a sentence! Obviously this must be changed. You have written, âHe wondered what house she was in and when I looked at the crest on her cloakâŚâ You also change tenses when you change the story to Draco and Reikaâs point of views. I would suggest not doing this. Keep to one tense throughout the story and it will seem more professional. I feel this allows you to explore a characters feelings more truthfully than through their own POV.
One major complaint I have is your little inputs that you have put in brackets. If you are trying the make your story seem professional and well written this is the worst thing you could ever do to make it the complete opposite. My biggest opposition is towards the painting in front of the common room. A cat-girl? Since when have there been cat-people in Harry Potter and even if there were I hardly believe that they would have one dressed like a tart in the middle of Hogwarts. Hogwarts is an old fashioned castle in Britain. I donât know if youâve ever been to one but even in modern times they have not included half naked pictures of cat-girls called Katsy to their walls! This seems so out of place itâs as if the characters are in another dimension and gives the whole place a weird feeling. If they have pictures of this, what other pictures do they have? This is also a school remember.
Never ever use slang in you descriptions, only ever use it in speech unless it is being clearly used as reference to someoneâs thoughts or speech. I am referring to the line âcame the voice of the nimrod Goyle.â Slang is obviously a sign of an amateur writer. Also I am not sure about the scene where they begin speaking French, it just seems like youâre trying to show off Reikaâs character to make the reader think highly of her. It doesnât really fit.
Generally you need to develop your characters a lot more and by doing this their speech and reaction to events will flow more easily. Also you need to develop your writing, adding more description and not just narrating events.
Much of this is speculation and I can understand if you want to dismiss it and hate me but Iâm only giving my opinion and trying to help (even in an extremely harsh way).
Hey I think your story is pretty good,keep it going! :) ;) Report Review
a little confusing but with a but more description you\'ve have a great story. You seem to be rushing into things rapidly, slow down and let the plot thickin, your get a lot more interest. If you need a better reader feel free to e-mail me about, and i\'ll continue checking out this story as it progesses.
Sarah Young Report Review
i think its great, but i do think you may wanna slow it down a bit so you can concentrate a lil more on details. But other than that, brilliant! keep it going! Report Review
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