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20 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Violet Potter 434 

7th February 2016:
bonjour
I love this story
you probably hear that a lot, I mean its great why wouldn't you, nut anyway I thought you should hear it again
I've read up to about chapter15-16 before but haven't read the rest or for that matter, ever reviewed so I thought i'd just do that now

as I've read this before I know that cass dispears and I've always thought bc of the same thing and reading the last 3 chapters has made me think i'm right
so i'm ust going to guess that cass disappears bc shes pregnant and that's why she doesn't hav any alcohol in the last 3 chapters. also she makes it so dramatic bc she seems like a person who likes drama and is a sort of attention seeker, also I don't think the child is scorp's and may or not be james but that's most probably not right so just ignore that.
anyways I love this story, keep writing

from me x

ps. I love e ae Cassandra god choice

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks so much for such a kind review! I'm really glad to hear you're enjoying reading :)

Emma xx


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Review #2, by Unwritten Curse 

9th January 2016:
Before I forget (again), this is for the Gryffindor Review Battle. Okay, now that that's done...

Yeah, I like Olivia even more after this chapter. Good for her for sticking up for herself when that stupid Martin guy got all handsy. I'm grateful for the Gryffindors that showed up (and I have to say, even though Olivia doesn't care for them, I got all giddy when they showed up--it's always cool to see/read about the Potter-Weasley clan from someone else's perspective).

Also, I don't like drunk Cass. Like, at all. She's kind of a jerk. Well, she's a jerk when she's sober, too, but when she's sober she has a filter. Here she just seemed to drag Olivia around to satisfy her own whims and then left her to be raped (not that she knew what was going to happen). And why won't she say she loves Scorpius back? After seeing how lovey dovey they were in the last chapter, it's pretty obvious that she loves him. Is she that afraid of letting people get close to her? I wonder what happened to make her that way. I do feel bad for Scorpius. It seems like the talk went poorly and he's upset.

Also, I kind of really want Olivia to get together with Albus now. Partly because I'm obsessed with Al and partly because he was so kind to her in this chapter! Maybe when she's not drunk she'll thank him and then they'll fall in love. ;) Wishful thinking? We'll see.

Moving forward!

--Gina

P.S. I kind of feel like my reviews are getting shorter. I apologize for that. It's mostly because I'm impatient to get to the next chapter.

Author's Response: You've definitely picked up on Cassie's flaws in this chapter - she's not really being a friend to Olivia at all.

Thank you for liking Al :)

E x


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Review #3, by b 

17th October 2014:
this is lame, oponbjvhnnmbnbg

Author's Response: Hiya,

I'm guessing you're not enjoying reading then (although you made it to chapter three so presumably don't hate it too much?). That's okay, obviously I can't make you like my writing.

If you do keep reading I'd really appreciate some feedback on why it's not working for you. I'll come back and edit everything later and really try to take into account any feedback people leave me in reviews so that would be really helpful.

Thanks for taking the time to review, anyway :)

Emma x


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Review #4, by CambAngst 

12th September 2014:
Hi, Emma! I'm here for the first installment of our September Review Exchange!

I've missed this story. One drawback to doing a lot of Review Tag and swaps and such is that you find stories you like and you say to yourself, "I want to come back and read more of that", and then for some reason it doesn't quite happen. Anyway, I was pleased to have been paired with you.

Olivia's parents are interesting pieces of work. They're so uncomfortable in their own skin. Even reading a scene with the two of them in it makes me feel uncomfortable, like I should leave the room or something. I can definitely see why Olivia has no desire to be around them, especially on New Years Eve.

Martin is officially very creepy. It started very near his first appearance in the chapter and only got worse as things went on. I imagine that he spends quite a lot of time in that nightclub, and a good chunk of that time doing to other girls exactly what he was trying to do to Olivia.

Which brings us to Albus. My goodness, he created a moment. Gryffindors are, of course, too heroic for their own good sometimes. They try too hard to fix the whole world, even when it doesn't want to be fixed, but I daresay Olivia will be very happy that he came along once she wakes up on New Years Day.

Cassie honestly annoyed the crap out of me in this chapter. I believe I remember you saying in a previous review response that she's difficult to get to know and not an especially likeable character at times. That came out in spades in this chapter. It was a bit shocking to see just how little she seemed to care for Olivia's safety and well-being. Maybe that's a theme you plan to build on some more as the story develops. Or maybe this was a one-time thing brought on by her being annoyed with...

Scorpius. I really liked Scorpius in this chapter. It's always hard to get a feel for characters in the first one or two chapters of a story, but here you started to round him out really well. From all appearances, he's a decent human being. He cares about his friends. And he wants to have what most would call a real relationship with Cassie, one where they openly and mutually love one another. I'm feeling like that's going to be a challenge to get to, owing to Cassie's aloofness and trouble dealing with her feelings.

Your writing was terrific in this! I didn't see any typos or grammatical errors and I thought it felt more polished than the first two. All in all, the story is progressing really well and it's starting to feel like you're more comfortable writing it. You seem to be in your element. Good job!

Author's Response: Hi! I just left you your review on your wonderful story too, so was happy to come back to see this :)

Thanks so much for all your feedback! That's such a good observation about Olivia's parents being uncomfortable in their own skin. I hadn't really thought about it like that but it's very accurate. Everything about them is supposed to be a little bit unsettling.

Your comments about Martin are spot on. He's pretty awful, but then sadly a lot of people in the real world are very similar to him. I think you're probably right that this is common behaviour for him.

Albus is so much fun to write, especially from a Slytherin's perspective because I can really criticise the Gryffindor traits, but yes, it's good he stepped in when he did.

I'm really interested by your thoughts on Cassie. I definitely agree that her behaviour's actually quite unacceptable, and I'l be interested to hear your thoughts on her in later chapters if you come back.

Scorpius is my absolute favourite to write at the moment, so I'm so happy that you're enjoying him. Of all my characters I feel like he's the one that comes most naturally.

Thank you for such a kind review! I'm really glad you enjoyed the chapter.

Emma xx


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Review #5, by Kira 

12th September 2014:
Albus! I love him. So much. Can we have more of him soon please?

This is a great chapter. It made me laugh and I'm really loving Ollie.

You write the drunk dialogue really well.

This is my fave chapter so far :)

Kira xoxo

Author's Response: Hello again :)

I'm really happy to hear you liked this chapter. It's one of the ones I'm slightly less sure about.

Thanks again for all the reviews,

Emma xx


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Review #6, by Roisin 

9th September 2014:
Back!

This chapter continued to capture that age PERFECTLY. All of the dialog was great, and the interactions were brilliant and natural and realistic. I LOVE their New Years Eve resolution game--and the way Andreas weaseled out of it was perfection :)

And ugh, "catching up" to other people drinking is NEVER a good idea! I'm so glad that little nugget was involved.

I definitely think Olivia puts on a lot of a front, and her narration continues to be mildly unreliable. I love how you introduced Cassie pressuring her to drink too much without, like, comment. You didn't moralize, or preach, and let us readers think about it on our own. Also: ACCURATE. Cass is reminding me more and more of my friend!

But anyway, Olivia is, a think, a lot more vulnerable than her witty, b-*-y exterior lets on.

AND JUST THE WAY CASS AND OLLIE ARE RUDE TO PEOPLE! I am having genuine flashbacks! Deciding that someone's name is "boring" and giving them a new one is SUCH A THING! I love how you manage to isolate all of these teenage eccentricities, and write them so well. Also, some of them are straight rude or obnoxious, but when you're that age, you don't really *care*. Again, I love how you are submitting this stuff without comment.

Alsoalso, I think sexual assault type things are pretty difficult to write well, and there's a lot of sensitivity to that topic--but I *really* appreciated the way you handled it. That Olivia was down to kiss him at first, and then REDACTS her consent, turning it into assault, was such an important thing. A lot of people don't understand that someone can *stop* consenting. And assault doesn't have to be super violent to be an assault. Anyway, it was just really well done!

My only concerns are:
-How much does she drink at Andreas'? *Bottles* of whiskey? I mean, you never specify bottle size, but that still seems like more than an impossible amount. It might work better if you switched it to mixed drinks or lager or something?
-"dragging Scor behind you." [should be her]

Other than that, it was flawless!

And my favorite line: "--glaring at him because itís important to glare at Gryffindors." Literally (literally) laughed out loud.

This story is amazing. You are the best. YAY!

Author's Response: Hello again!

Haha, catching up on drinking is definitely never a good plan. It's usually the route of all my alcohol related problems so I thought I'd slip it in...

I'm glad you picked up on Olivia putting on a front. The fact its in her POV makes it hard for this stuff to come across so it's made me happy that you realised it was unreliable narration.

And THANK YOU for your comments about the consent thing. It's obviously a difficult topic to write about and I wanted to get across how complicated it can be without giving it too much time and detracting from the rest of the plot. Your comments there are really reassuring and it's not something other people have really mentioned. And YES absolutely, it's important to point out that you're allowed to withdraw consent.

Thanks for pointing that out about how much she has to drink...that was a bit lazy of me not to clarify. I guess I was kind of seeing the bottles as some kind of mixed drink? It's definitely something I'll change when I make edits :) (likewise with the typo)

Thank you again for all your wonderful feedback! You're such an amazing reviewer.

Emma xx


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Review #7, by Unicorn_Charm 

8th September 2014:
Hiya!

Oh I just had a feeling that Merlin - ;) - was going to be trouble. What a creep! Good thing Al does have, as Olivia put it, a "hero complex." That whole situation just creeped me out. Even though she's annoyed with Al helping her out now, I'm have a sneaky suspicion she'll appreciate it at some point in the near future.

I actually really like Cassie. She's horrible, I know, but I can't help but like her. I don't know what it is. I just don't feel she's as hard as she tries to act. And you have to appreciate a friend who knows how to have fun. I also got a kick out of her flirting her way into a free drink from that older man. I'd be lying if I said I've never pulled that before haha.

I love Scorpius so much! He's really sweet and seems like a great friend. Olivia is really lucky to have him. And it's so cute to see how protective she is of him as well. There is just the tiniest part of me that wonders if Cassie was the person he wanted to say he loves... For some reason, I don't think it was. But I guess I will have to keep reading to find out!

It was nice to see Jason seem like he was concerned for his cousin. Even if it was only slightly. As much as you may not get along with family, you'd still protect them, no matter what. I'm really hoping to see more interactions between Jason and Olivia. They're honestly very amusing.

I am so sucked into this story already. I love your characters! They're so real and well rounded. Honestly, they are just typical teens and it's so lovely to read the next gen kids really seeming their age. This is fantastic and definitely becoming one of my favorites. Well done! See you next chapter! ♥

xoxo Meg

Author's Response: Hi Meg :)

Good to see you back again!

Yeahh Merlin's not great. I think he's a bit more like the Slytherins Harry knew in his time, but I'm planning to expand on his character a little more much later on and it might explain why he behaves like this a bit more. But yes, his behaviour's creepy and unacceptable and it's lucky that Al's there.

I know what you mean about Cassie! She's awful but at the same time I absolutely love her. I don't want to give anything away but you might be right that there's a bit more to her :)

And Scorpius is my absolute favourite to write. It's interesting that you're not sure Cassie's the person he loves...again, I don't want to spoil anything, but I hadn't meant to imply there was something between him and Ollie. I think they're just extremely close friends.

Jason will definitely be featuring more in future chapters! He's all the family Olivia has at Hogwarts, and whatever they try to say about their relationship, they've known each other all their lives so they at least have that link.

Thanks so much for all your lovely comments! I'm so glad you're enjoying reading this so far.

Much love,

Emma xx


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Review #8, by TumTum 

25th August 2014:
I have been rereading this and although I had said that I didn't like Cassie because it seemed like she was putting Ollie down by pointing out her bad grades, saying what an awful dancer she was, and pushing her to have sex with Martin when she wasn't ready, it's clear that Cassie loves and is protective of Ollie. It seems like she wants Ollie to be stronger for her own sake.

I wanted to share my speculations about the disappearance of Cassie.

1) Cassie feels bad about not loving Scorpius back... or having to say so (because they seemed very in love but if that was the case, why was she so reluctant to admit it? Perhaps it's because we're getting Ollie's perspective) and running away from this situation. This seems very unlikely because why would she not go to school? Plus although she fought with Ollie, she said that she would speak about it in the morning.

2) Cassie is a vulnerable person - she is a young girl with no responsible adult to look out for her (Andreus doesn't count because he was encouraging Ollie to get way too drunk - not to say that he doesn't care but still...). She's an easy, desirable target, if she went missing would it be obvious to someone? Would Andrus just assume that she was with friends... or is he in trouble too? She potentially got on the bad side of two guys in this scene: the man over 40 and shady Martin with his sexual assault and connections to the club... well she certainly caught Martin's interest and then Ollie got on his bad side. Did they decide to act on this?

3) Maybe Ollie doesn't know as much as she thinks she does about Cassie. Cassie obviously wants to put on a strong front so she might not mention the things that worry or frighten her... but is it something that she decided to do by choice or was forced into?

Then there's Cassie calling the Potter boys by their first names which is intriguing but it does remind me that Albus' father might have something to say about a missing girl.

Those are all my thoughts for now. I can see that Ollie, Scorpius and Cassie are very close which makes me wonder what on earth it is that makes Scorpius stop talking to Ollie in the future...? I am still interested in seeing what Ollie is like without her friends around...

Author's Response: Hello!

Thanks for such a thoughtful and interesting review. I'm really pleased to hear your thoughts on what's going on with Cassie, and it's great to hear you're thinking about it! I don't want to give anything away just yet but lots of what you've said is definitely very interesting :)

You're right that Cassie is not without her flaws, but there are aspects of her friendship with Ollie that bring out the best in her.

Thanks so much for the review - I really enjoyed reading it.

Emma x


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Review #9, by Veritaserum27 

23rd August 2014:
Hi Emma,

Here for your promised review. Wow this chapter kept me on the edge of my seat. I was really worried about Olivia for a moment there. I love that she couldn't remember his name - I couldn't even remember it. As soon as the last name "Flint" was mentioned, all I could picture in my head was the ugly mug of Marcus Flint - from the movies - and I thought "this guy is just gross" - haha!

I love your characterizations. Everyone had their own personality and didn't break from it. Scor is the boy in love, stumbling and sweet. Cassie is.. well Cassie and I think she might have to deal with her own feelings pretty soon. I am still really suspicious of her behavior. First off, she brought her own alcohol (it could have been anything colored red - non alcoholic). Secondly, she had a different drink than everyone else at the bar. I think she might have a secret that she isn't telling anyone else. I'm not sure if Scor knows or not, but if he does, that might have something to do with him saying "I love you." Maybe Cassie is just thinks he is saying it for the wrong reasons... Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Anyway I look at it, you've given me a LOT to think about. That makes a great story!

Big Potter. Smaller Potter. I love it. You are brilliant. The Gryffindors do have a bit of a hero complex, but I might have to side with them on this one - Olivia was clearly in a desperate situation. Although I loved the tongue biting. It was perfect. Just a suggestion - I think it would be funny if Martin/Merlin had a hard time speaking after that. For example, when he's talking to Albus instead of saying "There's no problem, pretty boy." he could say "Ders no pwobwem, pwetty boy." or something like that. He did just have his tongue bitten. But it's just a suggestion - and I don't want you to think I didn't like this chapter - it was fantastic.

I also love the fact that you've included the children of all the Quidditch players from the Hogwarts era. Both Potters, Flint, Malfoy, Bell. It's very original to put them all in one story and I've never seen it before.

Ok - on to Albus (because you asked about it in your A/N). I LOVED HIM. I actually don't think he was being overly heroic here. I think that is just Olivia's take on the whole thing. Once all the other Gryffies chimed in, it got to be a bit much, but I think that Albus was trying to be sensitive to the fact that Olivia needed help, but probably wouldn't want to admit it. Great job, because that is really hard to convey - especially with a first person narrative - you are sort of saddled to their perspective.

Great chapter - can't wait to read more!

Beth

Author's Response: Hi Beth!

Wow, thanks for such a lovely review :)

I love your thinking about Scor/Cassie - not going to give anything away just yet though...but I'm glad you're suspicious :)

And oh my gosh I love your idea about Merlin not being able to talk properly after having his tongue bitten. I will absolutely edit that in when I come back to it, and the Gryffindors won't understand why he can't speak.

Everything you've said about Albus is absolutely what I was trying to get across so thank you for reassuring me that it gets there! I think Olivia's a bit overly prejudiced about what it means to be in different houses, which is maybe something she'll need to work on.

Thanks so much for the review. I'll drop by ASLTW hopefully at some point today to read more :)

Much love,

Emma x


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Review #10, by Ribbons 

23rd August 2014:
AH!

This was the best chapter yet! You're getting better and better (actually, I think you've always been terrifyingly good). You've actually done an amazing job with this chapter for the following reasons: Ollie yelled at her parents, they went to a club, she kissed 'Merlin' (I actually know a Merlin, which made it funny to read) and met ALBUS POTTER!

Okay, lets start with the parent yelling because honestly, that felt really satisfying. She just went for it, her parents couldn't do anything about it and then she left. Brilliant.

When she got to the flat you immediately set up some tension in terms of Scorp/Cass and also Merlin and the looks he keeps giving Ollie. BAD SIGNS! Bad Merlin. Very bad. I don't approve of him being all...weird and I strongly feel that he needs to back away slowly from the situation.

Except he didn't. Ugh. Anyway, the love fiasco with Scorpius and the annoyingly stupid comments Merlin was making were just stupid, but it was nothing compared to the kiss. That was dumb. At first I felt nauseous and then I sort of got used to it, but when she started protesting I hated him again. With a passion.

But Albus Potter (Little Potter) turned up and everything was great again! At this part I scream in a very fangirly way and hid under the blankets so that I could enjoy the moment. I can see some seriously awesome chemistry happening with those two. I can't wait!

Finally, there is yet another layer of Cassandra revealed in this chapter, and I'll have to keep an eye out for her from now on. This is promising to be interesting.

It was a fantastic chapter and sorry if I was a bit...uninteresting. I LOVED it once again and there are no critiques I can possibly have for you, except that...nope. None.

Much love,

Alena

Author's Response: Oh my gosh Alena your reviews are so so lovely and probably hugely undeserved but they make me really happy and want to keep writing forever :)

I'm so so glad you liked her yelling at her parents. I think she's a bit unwilling to confront her emotions so her general reaction to her parents might be less than some people would expect, so I'm really glad you found that convincing and satisfying.

Everything you've said about Merlin is great and exactly what I was going for! I have a bit of subplot in mind for him so we might see him a bit more later on but no promises...his backstory might surprise you.

And Albus! I love him so much and I'm glad you do too :) He's exactly what Olivia needs but thinks she doesn't, and I've been having a lot of fun planning their storyline out.

Thank you thank you for such a wonderfully kind review! Is it okay if I rerequst for chapter four? I hope so. I almost definitely will...

Lots and lots of love,

Emma x


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Review #11, by Gabriella Hunter 

15th August 2014:
Hello!

Its Gabbie from the forums dumping this review on you and I'm sorry that it took a minute for me to get back to you. D':

So, we're back with Olivia! I was wondering how her situation with her family was going and I could tell that it was really tense at her house, though I wish that you could have shown more of that. I could tell that her parents had come to some sort of agreement and I wonder if they were going to officially announce their divorce at Aunt Katie's? I was really wondering about that and I would have liked a bit more on that but I'm sure you can add in those little details in another chapter. I sort of think that Olivia is running away from her problems right now and it would be good to see her confront them.

Now, I'm glad that we got to meet Cass's older brother but I felt like he could have used a bit more description. He seems a tad more responsible than his sister so I'm wondering what their relationship might be like behind closed doors.

Martin= bad. I had a feeling that he was going to be an issue and I seriously wanted to punch him in the face after that last little scene! What a toad!

Now, I really enjoyed the club scene because it gave me a chance to see the kids in a new environment and I also learned a bit more about them just from this chapter. I think that you wrote that very well, the dynamics were different but I was able to see that Cass and Scor's relationship was on the rocks, she completely ignored his New Years Resolution and I wonder how that conversation went. Apparently, not so good and I'm feeling bad for Scor and I'm not really liking Cassie right now, she's being kind of snippy for no reason in my opinion. Is something else going on with her? I didn't like that she kept talking down to Olivia and the others and when she left with Scorpius, I was kind of upset about that too. I could tell that Olivia was a bit lonely and it didn't help that she was drunk either, you had me worried there for a minute!

Albus saved the day though, I was glad to see him finally and he seems like a real gentleman. I hope that we see him again at some point, I'm glad that he was so worried about Olivia too and its obvious that they don't know each other well enough for him to be going out of his way for her.

How does Cassie end up being on first name terms with both Potter brothers? Hm.

Well, aside from what I mentioned early on, I really liked this chapter. I think that you've set up some really great drama for the next chapters too and I can't wait to see what you've done with the characters!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi Gabbie,

Thanks so much for the detailed review. I'm really glad you enjoyed this chapter, it was one of my favourites to write. I agree with you about needing a bit more detail when describing Andreas so will definitely work that into my next edit, and I'll have a think about ways to make it clearer what's going on with her family.

Thanks for reviewing again. I need to come back to your George/Angelina soon!

Emma x


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Review #12, by simplelullaby 

31st July 2014:
Hey Emma, me again! Love that you keep rerequesting so fast, I like having an excuse to read this fic!

Let's get onto it, shall we?

Technical:

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this in another review, but in the process of being thorough, you capitalise Dad and Mother and the like, when they don't need capital letters. Just distracts from the sentence as a whole.

On another note, Firewhiskey is actually capitalised! At least in the books. But that's being extreeemly nitpicky.

Characterisation:

Characterisation is definitely your strong suit. Three chapter in you tie together everyone you've already introduced (yay, Pansy got a mention!), while still managing to make Olivia a very front-and-centre MC.

Olivia is really becomming a solid, well-rounded character. Again i thought it was weird she didn't mention her dad's cheating. She's very strong (we saw that with the insipid Merlin), but also very weal, especially when it comes to Cassie. I think she uses Cassie as a bit of a crutch, has a bit of hero-worship for her in the way that everything she does is the right thing, just sexy enough and the like. I'd love to see that developed in later chapters. As the summary points out, she's going somewhere soon? To improve Olivia, and I think I've mentioned this before as well, I would focus on adding some physical description. You've got the rest of it down.

I've always got a soft spot for Scorpius in any fic, but you version of him makes it impossible not to love him. I like that you've made the guy the touchy-feeling one in the relationship, and by declaring his love and having it backfire on him you've created this touching vulnerabiltiy. i can see something bad happening to this guy soon. He's too Hufflepuff, you need to break out some amazing Slytherin traits and make sure we know why you sorted him there other than because he's a Malfoy.

Cassie is turning out the be veeey interesting. The way she's avoiding alcohol, once last chapter and like three separate occasions this chapter makes me think she's pregnant and is acting out because of it. You do well describing her, she's probably the best developed character of the chapter. She's so real. I love that you make her stick to her character even though it would've been easier to make her just do what Olivia said. That helped to characterise both her and Olivia, I might add.

Okay, over to your minor characters. Characterisation-wise, this is your weakness. Minor characters can be developed even if they only appear in a single chapter. Though you did well with Martin, he did seem like a bit of a caricature there only to hit on Olivia and never be seen again. Similarly, Andreas seemed to only be there because he and Cassie share a house. Might want to flesh these guys out a little. Maybe Olivia overhears a conversation between the two discussing their Hogwarts days on the way to the club, just to round them out a little more?

One more paragraph, promise! Albus! He finally makes an appearance. After a little bit of nifty foreshadowing in the last chapter, it was great to have him enter the hero, and having Olivia not be too impressed by the fact. Also loved the Big Potter/ Little Potter thing. Not much by way of physical description with him either. Don't rely on readers preconceptions with Mr Potter(s) looks-wise. Make him your own.

Plot:

This was probably your best chapter yet, for flow. So fr you've always had a clear beginning, middle and end with necessary plot point dug in throughout. This chapter is definitely not fillery. You've taken your time introducing your main players, and now its time to take them out for a ride! Now we know Olivia and the others, you've taken the time to introduce them properly, us readers can just focus on the plot. Great!

It is a very dialogue-heavy chapter, but in this situation I don't really see that as a problem. Maybe add a little more description here and there when editing, but not too much more is needed to be honest. The little bits, like describing the colour of the shots (though I'm guessing that was to point out Cassie's was clear), we probably just enough. I dunno, I can't make my mind up!

Another point, though maybe its tied in with the last, was that the paragraphs were very short, and sometimes it read a little like a movie script there was so little between the dialogue. I think maybe that had something to do with your formatting though. Might want to go back to that pesky editor and sort that out!

Setting:

You could do with a bit more setting description in this chapter, though like I mentioned definitely only a little. Maybe a few stray lines here and there about Andreas flat, and some bits that show that it looks more like Cassie's letter her brother live there and not the other way around. Also, a little more setting description about the nightclub. Use Olivia's senses. Describe the sweaty dances permeating the air, or the music being too loud to talk over at points. Bit liks this could help the club seem more than purple smoke.

Overall:

Your best chapter yet! I loved that you've gotten past the intro phase and hopped with ease into the meaty part of the story. You've obviously planned well, and are foreshadowing well (if I'm right about Cassie, that is) You're also giving us a bit of mystery - how DOES Cassie know the Potters so well? Especially James? Hmm...

Cheers for rerequesting, feel free to do so again anytime! Hope you liked my review, and as always...

Keep Writing

~Aimee~

Author's Response: Thank you thank you, as always all your comments are incredibly helpful and I'll definitely come back to them when I'm making edits. I'll rerequest soon for Chapter Four but feel bad for taking up so much space in your queue recently so I'll let a few other people have a turn first!

Emma x


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Review #13, by TidalDragon 

28th July 2014:
Hello hello hello!

So, there was the imbalance with dialogue again in this chapter, but it worked a little better for you than it did in the last one. I think the setting helped with that because at a club things are always going to move a bit quicker and with the drinking going on introspection and detailed description probably aren't on the agenda.

I thought the "bets" bit was a decent mechanism to accomplish several things you wanted in this chapter (the encounter with Martin and Albus's intervention as well as whatever took place between Scorpius and Cassie). Though it was a bit transparent as regarded the latter, I think it was still a good inclusion and gave some structure to an otherwise fairly free-form scene.

When it comes to characterizations, I think you're doing a solid job developing Scorpius bit-by-bit. Cassie a little less so because she hasn't really been challenged thus far, but perhaps that will come. Olivia stayed consistent here. As for Albus (since you asked in the A/N) I think he seems fairly realistic so far. We don't really see much of him, but given the physical similarities he shares with Harry in canon (and how significant that often is in the series), I think him having a "saving people thing" as well was believable and his intervention was not overly grand or showy, which was positive.

See you for the latest installment!

Author's Response: And again, thanks so much for such a helpful review. I hadn't thought that much about how setting should affect the dialogue/description balance so I'm glad you brought that up. It's something to think about in terms of writing style - I usually just write without considering how style should change in different chapters so that's really helpful feedback.

I'm glad you brought up similarities between Harry and Albus - it's something I want to emphasise without making too much of so it's good to hear you thought it worked.

Thanks again,

Emma x


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Review #14, by Midnight spark 

27th July 2014:
Hmm. I... like it! No wait, I love it!! This story is exactly what I was looking for! Keep on writing, this is going to be a great one!

Author's Response: Hiya, thanks for the lovely review. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Emma x


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Review #15, by :) 

26th July 2014:
This is sooo good!!! I love Olivia, and I can't wait for things to heat up between her and Albus! Update soon!

Author's Response: aw thank you, next chapter's in the queue.

Emma x


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Review #16, by rosiful 

23rd July 2014:
I'm really liking this story so far!
You just have such interesting/unique characters.

I'm am so confused about how I feel about Cassie though, I hate her because she's incredibly rude, snarky and just doesn't really seem to care about anyone else... but I love her for the exact same reasons! So I guess she is written very well :)

I also love how you've written Scor, he seems like a really nice/caring guy, I can see his poor heart getting broken though :/

Can't wait to read what happens next :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I love hearing what people make of Cassie. She's one of my favourites to write but I know I'd definitely hate her in real life. I'm glad you like Scor. I'll update in the next few days hopefully.

Emma x


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Review #17, by AdinaPuff 

22nd July 2014:
Hi, here for your requested review!

Wow. I'm dying for more! Your concern was your characters?! Rubbish! They were perfect! I guess I'll break them down for you.

Cassandra (love that name by the way)- Cassie is very well written. You never get OOC with her, which can be hard with particularly rude, cynical characters, especially in situations such as talking about love. You want them to be nice, you want a happy ever after, but you can't because that's not who they are. You kept her well into character, from her comments to her actions. She's a great character and I cannot wait to see her grow.

Scorpius- I love how you've written him. He's serious, but tender. He cares and protects Olivia, just as a best guy friend should. He makes sure she's okay, and is obviously willing to do anything for her (except open a howler, of course). He loves Cassie, and you never told us if he did say that to her, or how she reacted. But it was obvious, and I'm glad he seems to be the softer one of her friends. Who doesn't love soft, strong guys? He's a great character.

Merlin/Martin- He was creepy, but you kept him steady throughout the chapter, which is important with minor characters. I like that you didn't make him all nice and stuff at first and then bam! He's a creep. That happens a lot, and isn't believable. But you made him believable.

The Moron/Jason- Don't you just love cousinly relationships? You wrote him well. It's obvious he looks up to Oliver, and that he wants to succeed in Quidditch (whether for his sake or his fathers sake you have yet to tell us). I liked that they argued a lot, but they got along. That's important, especially in their situations at home. It seems they're... Allies, if you will, as far as dealing with the family is. They dissipated the tension together, and turned to each other during the holidays.

Pansy- She's a right mess, and you kept her like that the whole time. Shallow, weak, and self-conscious. Weak characters can be hard to write as well, but you managed just fine.

Olivia- she is very original, and it's obvious she isn't very outspoken or independent. She relies on Cassie and Scorp to tell her how she feels, to tell her how she is to act. You made her like this, and you've kept it so far. I hope you can gradually write her into an independent, self spoken person who can stand up for herself. Hopefully Al comes into play and helps her with that. You've kept her in character, and she's very real to me.

The rest of the characters were fine, but those were the ones I wanted to go into detail with. They're all believable in my opinion, and I love them all. Especially Olivia though. She seems like an entirely real person, which is great.

Keep writing! And while you're more than welcome back to my thread, I think I might beat you to writing a review on my own accord before you can request one, because this is going on my favorites, and reading list! I loved it, well done!

-Leigh

Author's Response: Thank you so much for such an in depth and kind review! It's so great to hear from you. I'm glad you liked the characters and the story. You've put a very big smile on my face. I'll try to update in the next few days. Let me know if you'd ever like me to read anything of yours, your feedback's very very appreciated.
E x


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Review #18, by maisie 

22nd July 2014:
martin's creepy. you write drunk people really well. hope you update soon.

Author's Response: Just editing my next chapter so I'll upload it in the next few days and hopefully the queue won't be too long. Really thank you for taking the time to review, it means a lot x

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Review #19, by crestwood 

22nd July 2014:
I'm a little wary of Cassie's reaction (or non-reaction) to Scorpius' resolution. That had to be disheartening. I don't much like Andreas or Martin, but I have a feeling I wasn't supposed to find them all that interesting. Other than her coldness towards Scorpius, I really enjoyed Cass again in this chapter. Her personality lends itself to pretty funny moments.

The way Cass keeps navigating around drinking alcohol makes me think she suspects that she's pregnant. You don't have to tell me if I'm correct or not, but that is totally what I was getting from that. The way Martin tried to force himself on Olivia reenforced my initial disdain for him, but I'm glad we finally got to meet Albus and he's being all helpful and calling Olivia his friend! Of course, it's really brief, but the sheer amount of times he asks if she's okay alone got me excited. I can't hardly wait to see more of him.

I think the plot is moving along nicely. We've yet to get into the thick of it, but that's okay because it's good to meet everyone before everything begins to happen. This will only get more interesting as time goes on.

This story really deserves more recognition. Please re-request when you've uploaded more, I'd love to read on!

Author's Response: I think Cassie very much lives in the moment and struggles with thinking about herself (and others) beyond that, which means Scor gets hurt. I'm glad you didn't like Andreas and Martin. I didn't want them to be fully horrible but also didn't want a whole cast of similar people.

Really thank you for the reviews, will definitely re-request if that's okay!

Let me know if you ever want me to have a look at your work. I really appreciate the help x


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Review #20, by Toolazytosignin 

20th July 2014:
It's really good so far! I'm excited to see where you take this story! I'm looking forward to the next chapter, update soon please!

Author's Response: Yayy first review thank you so much. Glad to hear you're enjoying it x

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