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40 Reviews Found

Review #1, by wolfgirl17 

1st December 2015:
Hey Pixi!

Wolfgirl here from the forums with your requested review. Finally. I'm so sorry it took me so long.

I have to admit, I was a little hesitant to give your fic a try, what with the rabbit and all, but I'm pleased you requested. This chapter was a fantastic intro into what I don't doubt will be an entirely thrilling read. I really enjoyed the way you introduced Wren and the other characters.

Wren seems really layered. I like that you had her currently experiencing a psychological and physical upheaval in her life, what with the sudden bad turn her Gran has taken, in addition to the move and all. The way you depicted her as still being irritated by little things - such as Rose's packing skills - whilst trying to hold it together and not break down in tears over everything that's happening was really well written.

I've got to admit, this business with the rabbit has me intrigued. Rabbits can be tricksy little fellows, I've found, and I'm kind of looking forward to seeing how you go about writing an animal into the fic.

Keep up the great work. You know you're awesome.

xx-Ellie

Author's Response: Aww, hey!

You meant the cute little innocent rabbit on my banner actually made you NOT WANT TO READ THIS FIC???

Amazing. LOL! Though I stretched things a bit and tried really hard to remain unpredictable throughout the plot, this is by far not some silly romp through Hogwarts with cute, furry critters. I mean, honestly, there aren't even any unicorns or anything.

But seriously, when I was in revision with this, I had to fire my previous MC. Like, just rip her right out of the story and insert someone who could live up to the expectations that I had. I am so pleased that she's working out for you in chapter one. People have commented that I was a little too hard on her, but you know, no pain, no story. Also, I take it from your lack of commenting on it that the slight issue that my beta pointed out to me in this chapter wasn't noticeable. Fantastic!

And I promise, this story isn't ALL about the rabbit. ;)

Thanks for the review. I hope you get the chance to read the rest of this sometime!

Pix


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Review #2, by Liana 

30th September 2015:
I think a story about the Longbottoms will be very interesting. The fate of the bunny was very mysterious. Whatever took the bunny could've at least waited until Wren had started walking toward the house so she could believe the bunny was getting along ok. I'm impressed that this is a recent story. I'm looking for a new author to follow.

Author's Response: Hi!

I thought a story with the Longbottoms would be interesting too, even though this ended up being mostly about their daughter. I know, that bunny has awful timing and didn't make Wren feel any safer about his fate.

Thanks so much for trying out my story! I hope you're interested enough to come back and read more.

Pix


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Review #3, by 800 words of heaven 

25th September 2015:
Hey, hey, hey! Here for our review swap!

First off, congratulations on your Dobby nomination(s)! I was surprised to see that I hadn't actually read much of your work (which was strange) but you're such a fantastic writer, so the noms are well-deserved!

I've been meaning to read this story since FOREVER. There are several reasons for this, which I shall enumerate below:
1) It is written by you. It's gonna be good.
2) The Florence + The Machine song plays in my head every time I read the title and then I'm just awkwardly bobbing my head, regardless of the fact that I may be in public at the time
3) Allison Scagliotti is a face claim who should be used more often than she is (I've only seen her being used in your story). Every time I see the banner for this story I'm like "It's Claudia from Warehouse 13!" This of course means that I hear Wren's voice as this sarcastic young adult who rolls her eyes a lot and is a total butt-kicking lady with a heart of gold.

Wren is not like that yet, of course, since she isn't Claudia. But she's still wonderful. I'm really looking forward to getting to know her better over the coming chapters. Moving house has never been a traumatic experience for me since I've done it on a semi-regular basis during my lifetime, but I still very much empathise with her, which is just a credit to your fantastic writing, really. Funerals are emotionally draining, and then above all that she's having to leave her childhood home. It's even worse because she's seeing her great-grandmother act in a way that's so completely different from what she is to Wren. Realising that parents and grandparents and all those people to whom you look up are human and as fallible as you can be quite the slap in the face sometimes. The timing really couldn't be worse.

Also, just hats off for getting Albus spot on. He's clearly very concerned for his friend and loves her dearly, but he's also a little awkward with feelings and expressing comfort (and hungry because it's time for lunch). That, more than anything else, really brought it home to me that they're just sixteen - little young things, really (goodness, I sound so old).

And finally, my departing thought: WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED TO THE RABBIT? WHY WAS IT ABDUCTED BY ALIENS?

Author's Response:

Hi!

You flatter me. No really. Thanks for the kind words!

Yay for another Allison Scagliotti fan! I didn't want Wren to have "just another pretty face". I wanted something with character, and Allison's Warehouse 13 character jumped readily into my mind. You're right. She's not as kick-butt as Claudia, but she has potential. Everyone's gotta start somewhere, right?

Wren's got some "stuff" hitting her from all sides here. It's not earth-shattering, but things keep piling on, so she's overwhelmed at all the change.

Albus. Thanks, I'm glad you like him. Yes, he's young, they all are. And I too feel so old saying that. :P I know some sixteen year olds are better at playing "older" than others, but they're still sixteen, and there's all that insecurity bottled up inside. Also, these characters haven't had any tragedy to mark them up, so they'd certainly still feel it.

RABBIT ALIENS!! Ack, how did you guess my plot so quickly??? I'm losing my touch... no really. Just kidding. Please read on. I hope you like it. And really, I'd love it if you had the time to just read a few chapters and leave me an occasional note. With a story this long, I'm just hoping that people like it enough to get to the end.

Thanks for the swap!

Pix


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Review #4, by Penelope Inkwell 

21st August 2015:
Hi! I'm here checking out some of the Dobby pre-noms, and your story comes highly recommended (congratulations, by the way). I've been meaning to get over here and take a look at it for a bit, and I've finally found the time.

So, right off, I am definitely intrigued. That flash of light, and the fact that we don't know what it is, sets a bit of a mysterious tone. I always really appreciate when writers leave plenty of questions in chapter 1, and don't try to explain it all--they just use it to reel you in. You do that nicely. Even without that bit at the end, I'd be wondering what happened to Wren's grandmother. But then you packed that little punch in--what on earth is going on.

You have a very pretty writing style. Plenty of description, but never too much, and Wren's melancholy really just bleeds through the page...well, screen, but you see my point.

i'm definitely curious to know what happens next.

CC: So, as a rule, i always try to give CC, wherever possible, because I find that it really helps me. There wasn't much here--you've clearly been very thorough in your writing and revisions--but I did notice this one thing:

She turned away from the house, not wanting anyone to see and tore off into the woods.
Ė I could be wrong--I'm not an expert--but I think there should be a comma after "see".


Overall, this is just a very good first chapter. I'm looking forward to finding out more about Wren (and this mysterious bunny-stealing light).

Highlight reel: Her dad came through the room with potted plants in each arm, muttering in concentration. "I know it's going to be a shock to you, but I think you'll like it in your new home," he was saying. It took Wren a second to register that he was talking to the plants instead of her.
Ė this cracked me up :D


--Penny

Author's Response:

Hi Penny. Thanks for stopping by and checking this out.

Thanks for catching that missing comma. Commas and I have a long standing antagonistic relationship. A lot of comma rules are optional, which is what I run with most of the time. But I do respect the breathing comma. Because I don't want my readers to die of oxygen depletion. You know, you've gotta keep your readers alive, or there'll be no one left to read your stuff. Right?

Ah, I'm so glad you liked the bit with Neville in it. That was an addition from the revision. I sort of needed that to establish how he is with his plants to make sense of some things to come. Neville loves those green things so much!

There's a fair bit of mystery in this thing, and the plot is all weird-like. There's no strong romance issues going on, so the story as a whole doesn't grab a lot of people, and the plot does start off rather slow. The whole thing has this lilting style that is so much Wren that I could only pull it off this way. It's not for everyone, but it's the way this thing came out. If you've got the patience, I'd love to hear what you think of the rest of the story. I'm okay with a full read-through, and then some comments at the end even. Or whatever.

Thanks so much for giving this a chance!

Pix


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Review #5, by Frankie05 

5th August 2015:
Pix

I'm so sorry I am behind on his review. I started it while I had some down time while my mother was visiting but then i never got back to it because of traveling and House Cup craziness. But I am here and I am going to review away :)

I love the name Wren. How did you come up with it? The flash at the beginning of the story sets the stage for something I can feel it. Which is what happened at the end of the story. The flash that took the bunny away. I really like how the Longbottom child and the Potter and Weasleh children grew up together. I really like that Rose is her best friend. As is Albus but I think there is more underneath the title of just friends. I bet she's got feelings for him.

When you mentioned Gran not letting Albus up the stairs for his inquisitiveness it had my mind reeling about What happened to Augusta. I initially thought Wren was packing up to go to Hogwarts but come to find out they are packing up to move. Why did they move so much in so little time? And Wren in an instant became really sad. What was that about?

So her grandparents died? Or just one? And Gran is still alive but she is going crazy? Like can't remember anything crazy or just depressed/manic crazy? Either way that stinks and it's obviously affecting Wren.

Does Wren call her dad Neville? Why would her mom say to her daughter Neville and I?

James is such a little turd. Why would you say great funeral? Ouch. Tact man.

I love the interaction between Albus and Wren. I just know something deeper is going on. It's gotta be. But Albus is a good friend :)

So Wren is an animal rescuer? That is so sweet. I'm excited to read more about her personality because she seems like an awesome person. Marches to the beat of her own drum but extremely sensitive and possibly quote powerful. Just a hunch.

And the. Poof. Bye bye bunny. Is this story going to be based on this snugglh bunny who had a brief cameo in this chapter and now I wanna snuggle it forever?

Great job :)

Author's Response:
Hiya!

Wren. That was a long process. My first draft had a different name and a different character personality. After I was halfway through the revision, I fired her and went looking for a new MC. I'm so glad I did, because Wren fits the story so much better. I wanted some kind of nature-ish name, and something that held a lot of simplicity to it. The name has grown into the character that I wanted. It's lovely, isn't it?

I adjusted that bit about Hannah's dialog. I didn't mean for Wren to call her dad by his first name, but sometimes when parents talk to older children, they do slip into calling their spouses by their names. It wasn't working for a few readers, so the adjustment was made.

A lot of your questions are answered in the second chapter. I have been meaning to revise a sentence or two to make things more clear about Augusta and Wren's grandparents, but I haven't found the right words yet. That's still an outstanding issue for this chapter.

Tact and James are not friends. :P
Yes, Albus is a good friend. There's more to that later. What a great description of Wren! I'm glad she's coming through clearly.

There is a lot of Bunyn action to come. Brace yourself.

Pix



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Review #6, by AlexFan 

31st July 2015:
The summary for your story sounds so incredibly dark I didnít expect such a rather, I guess, happy, beginning to it. Iím going to have to prepare myself for how dark things are going to get in this story arenít I?

I liked the air of mystery to the story. Iíd get so excited when Wren started thinking about something that sounded really interesting and then she would stop herself. I like it because it keeps me reading to see if Iíll find out what she stopped herself from thinking about or figuring out what she saw.

James doesnít have much to say or do in this chapter but I already like him as a character, there was just something about that comment about the funeral being nice that just really cemented my fondness for him. I hope he has a bigger role later on in the story, he seems like the kind of character to always keep things interesting. Speaking of which, whose funeral was it. It mustíve been someone that Gran was extremely close with for her to be going to such extreme lengths? Was it Nevilleís parents? Did they die? AND WHAT IS THIS MYSTERIOUS BALL OF LIGHT THAT TOOK THE BABY BUNNY FROM THE BUSH! So many questions, not enough answers.

I liked the amount of detail that you included in the story, especially in the second half of it because it fits in with what Wren must be feeling about leaving her home. Itís like sheís paying attention to every detail so that she can remember it forever in her new home. Some sections have more description than others, almost as if certain parts of the house is dearer to her than other parts.

All in all I really liked this first chapter, it was really interesting.

Author's Response:

Hi!

Hmm... I don't consider the beginning to be particularly happy, but yes, the story does get darker as we go.

Hey, I'm glad you liked the first glimpse of James. He's definitely one to keep things interesting and he will have a recurring role in the story, so I hope you like what I've done with him.


I've been meaning to add a bit of clarity to who died in this chapter, just a touch of it, but I haven't decided exactly how to do it yet. It's fully addressed in chapter two, so hopefully that will be enough for you.

And yes, the ball of light! That's onwards as well.

Thanks for the review on my first chapter.

Pix


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Review #7, by cherry_pop94 

29th July 2015:
Hi!

I'm here for the review you requested. Sorry it's taken me so long to get here! I'm trying to be more speedy with my thread, but real life just keeps getting in the way!

I think I'll probably try to leave a review for every chapter or every other chapter, as it helps me keep track of my thoughts on everything. I hope that's alright with you!

I'm very curious to see where this goes as your description is much, much darker than this first chapter would imply. I think that's an interesting thing to do - start of this story in an almost light spot. Obviously, Wren is quite distraught from moving, but nothing here has suggested life or death yet...

Wren's emotions about moving are also really well done. I've moved more times than I care to remember in both my childhood and adult life, so I know the feeling well. I've never been quite as emotional as Wren, since it happened to me often, but her feelings are very relatable and feel real. So that's something you've done here really well.

For a first chapter though, I felt a little bogged down by dialogue and breaks in the writing. Having three sections here felt a little overwhelming for me.

That would be my only comment on this so far. I think this is a really promising start and I will definitely get to the next chapters soon!

Stefanie

Author's Response:

Hi Stefanie!

Thanks for doing this review for me. First chapters are HARD. I always end up rewriting them when I'm done with the story. I rewrote this one, and a lot of the changes paid off. This story has a lot of elements to it, and things can get a bit overwhelming, especially for the characters. It's difficult to balance that, because I don't want the reader overwhelmed as well.

I completely understand about RL, so no worries if you were delayed. That's just the way things go. And you can leave as many reviews as you want, I don't mind at all! :)

I'm glad Wren's emotions feel real and she's not overdoing it. When someone moves for the first time, it can be overwhelming.

I'll take a look at the things you mentioned and see if they need adjusting. Thanks for your additional pm answering my questions about your feedback. I appreciate that.

Thanks for the review! I truly appreciate all of your comments!

Pix


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Review #8, by tangledconstellations 

28th July 2015:
Hey there!

I'm popping over with your requested review from the forums ♥

So I've never actually come across this story before, so it was really exciting approaching this first chapter with totally fresh eyes, as I really didn't know what to expect. Lots of things grabbed my attention: the title, the banner, the names of the chapters. Instantly, this fic felt cohesive and well put together, and that was even before I started reading the first chapter! The reason I mention this is because I thought it was interesting that one of your areas of concern was that cohesion was what your fic was lacking. I totally know what you mean when you've edited a story lots and you're familiar with how the story unravels in your mind but you're unsure whether the reader will follow it too. It suddenly gets really difficult trying to make sure things do make sense! But - in this first chapter alone (as I've yet to read on) - things were really clear. I hope I can put your mind at ease a little about that! This was a really strong start to your fic and for me - a new reader! - I feel confident in what you've shared in this chapter so far.

Okay, I'll go into some more detail. I really liked the way you introduced your characters and the way this doesn't come across as an average happy-cheery Next-Gen fic. Your own style is present throughout all of this and it's really great to recognise, especially so early on into a fic. In my opinion, that's the mark of a really good writer - they're able to make their story their own! The way you set up the backdrop to this fic was nice. The fact that you haven't said outright what situation Wren is in and it's sort of drip-fed throughout the chapter is really effective, as that sets up the pace of the fic and thus the tone - which again is accentuated through your writing itself (the lovely way you linger on descriptions, you describe things so clearly, things like that). You didn't force any information on the reader, you didn't info-dump anywhere - everything felt balanced and in a way your voice as the writer was the one that was very much in control.

What's really nice is the way a relationship between the reader and your characters (though mainly Wren - as she is the mc) is already solidified by the end of this chapter. We understand what kind of person she is, her interests (photography, yay! I loved that, btw! It wasn't just thrown in for the heck of it - you somehow managed to convince me that she has the absolute psyche of a photographer!), her friendships, the sorts of ways she thinks. We got to see her having fun but we also saw a more tender side - how she is when she's upset, and the things that are currently making her upset. That all contributed to the readers understanding of the story. The same could be said for Albus too to some extent - we were able to see a lot of him, and so understood their relationship a lot better. I like the way he's a little aloof and a bit clumsy (perhaps not actually clumsy, but in his demeanour, if you know what I mean?), but he's really well-meaning. He feels really fresh!

The story itself (so far) is really interesting. Although you haven't revealed lots and lots just yet, you have given me enough to keep me keen on reading more. I feel like I want to know what's going on with Wren's grandmother - I want to understand this family difficulty that's arising. I also feel so bad for Wren moving out of her house - it's funny, I'm moving out of my flat this weekend and it's so sad, but it means I'm able to fully understand how she's feeling right now! But yes, you've balanced the plot and intrigue just-so here. Especially those final short paragraphs! I thought that was awesome, with the little rabbit disappearing. In a way, it was a very out-of-the-blue thing to happen, but I liked it. It made me think of Alice in Wonderland - and now I'm wondering how strange things might get for Wren. So at this point I have a lot of questions, but I also feel sufficiently satisfied with the info you have given me, if that makes sense. I feel quite on-the-ball with this fic and don't feel as though there is anything in particular that has left me confused. I'm excited for where this story is going to go - and just, yes, everything was clear to me here :)

I really really do hope I was able to address your main concerns here! I thought this was a fantastic first chapter and it seems your rewrite must have been successful as this was a brilliant read. Let me know if there is anything you want me to go into more detail about - but honestly, this was great. You've got such a lovely writing style and to me this chapter feels very strong. Brilliant stuff :)

Laura xxx

Author's Response:

Wow. Thanks for being so detailed with your thoughts. This helps a lot. And yay, I have a voice! That was a difficulty I kept having throughout this fic. I kept losing the voice and had to rediscover it several times. Actually, I don't know what the style is called for this story, but I hope it's consistent in any case. It should be after the revision.

Yes, Wren is a photographer by nature. I did that on purpose to explore the descriptiveness that she seems to crave, so I'm pleased that aspect worked for you. She frames things and she hyperfocuses sometimes, and both of those things are important.

Albus is supposed to be a sweet thing. I'm happy he feels 'fresh' to you, because he does take regular showers, unlike some boys his age. And I imagine that he uses deoderant. That is important at this age: the hygiene. Anyway, yeah, Albus.

Thanks for reassuring me about the first chapter. I'm happy it reads well and things are clear with the characters. Having questions but still being satisfied with the chapter is a good thing. I don't like to tease unnecessarily. :)

Pix



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Review #9, by Dirigible_Plums 

15th July 2015:
Hey,

I've seen this fic plenty of times before and always reserved it to read later when I had the time to thoroughly enjoy it. I can't wait to read on.

Poor Wren. It's hard moving away from home. I remember having a hard time letting go of my old home when I moved, but then again, it was easier on me since I just moved across the road. Wren doesn't even have the luxury of living nearby.

I really liked the characters in this chapter. Even though I haven't gotten to know them properly yet (with the exception of Wren, of course), I feel like even the short insight pretty much sums them up. I had to crack a grin at Neville's whispers to his plants. It's just so typical of him. I like that Wren takes after him except she loves animals more than plants.

Seriously, you've done a great job here. I look forward to finding out about the world's worst nightmare.

Dirigible_Plums xo

[Oh, and before I forget, I love the heart theme with your chapter titles. Nicely done ;) ]

Author's Response:

Hello!!

I'm glad you finally stopped by, and doubly glad that you saw the first chapter AFTER the revision. I am hopeful that I've cleared away most of the dead wood and left things fresh and interesting, but you never know. If you see anything weird, or... wait a minute. Most of this is weird. Anyway.

Exactly! Wren and Neville both share a love for nature, but it manifests in different ways.

Haha! The chapter titles were more of a personal way to keep myself entertained. :P They were fun, and at times, a little annoying, but hey. I managed to keep the theme all the way through.

Thanks for the review! I hope you get a chance to come back for more. And by the way, I don't mind a review every few chapters, instead of every single chapter. Not that I wouldn't enjoy a bunch of reviews, but... you know what I'm saying. It's hard to get people to comment on the overall arc of things, and I'd like to hear about that from time to time.

Thanks so much for coming by!

Pix


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Review #10, by TreacleTart 

10th July 2015:
Hey Pix,

I figured it was about time to come give this a read after all the amazing things I've heard about it. The first chapter definitely lived up to everything I've heard. It was really a unique idea and immediately had me wondering what the next chapters would bring.

As far as first chapters go, I think this did everything that a good first chapter should do. It gave me enough information to get a grasp on what is happening. It left out enough information to leave me with questions. And it also surprised me a bit because your plot was so unique.

I think I am most intensely curious about why this glowing light picked up the rabbit. What would anyone or anything want with a little baby rabbit? I hope Wren will be able to find it and save it.

I adore how compassionate you've made Wren's character. I could see the child of Hannah and Neville ending up like that. Since her parents are kind people, it seems fitting that she would be too. Oh! And the idea that Augusta is the one who taught her to save animals is brilliant. We only ever see Augusta as a hardened, calloused woman in cannon, so it adds a nice layer to her to think she'd be off in the woods saving animals.

Great work! I can't wait to see where the rest of this goes!

~Kaitlin

Author's Response: Oh, hi there!

I'm currently in the middle of revising this story, and this chapter had a bit of a revamp to it. I hope I didn't mess it up, but it needed adjusting when I got to the end. Maybe you can come and take a look when I have the revision up and tell me if you agree with the changes. :)

I really like the idea of Hannah and Neville's child being this way, kind and compassionate, and an animal lover. I almost had her with plants, but I thought I'd give her a little twist from her dad. I think it worked out.

Thanks so much for coming by and checking out my story!

Pix


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Review #11, by MadiMalfoy 

13th January 2015:
Hello! MadiMalfoy here with your requested review from a couple weeks ago! :)

Yay for obscure characters/original characters! These kinds of stories are my favorite :) Okay so you were mainly worried about plot flow and interest level, and also if your subplots were dragging or you were using too many characters.

Since this is just the first chapter and you have to introduce your OC Wren Longbottom, I don't think you have to worry about it dragging just yet, or using too many characters. It's the opening chapter so it's meant to set up the story and reel the reader in--which it does. Even with an OC, your opening lines intrigued me and made me want to read further in the story and figure out what this bright light was and why it had such a negative connotation to Wren. As far as the flow of the plot, I think you've got it moving along quite nicely, and your descriptions of the scenes are absolutely stunning and really help us as readers imagine the world you're seeing in your head as you write. Your spare usage of passive voice also helps as well as it keeps us from trudging along with "was helping" and "were running" etc. You cut straight to the point but still retain the necessary elements of a story and embellish it well.

Great opening chapter, feel free to request again! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi!

I'm glad you liked my choice of characters from canon. The story concept came way before the character selection, and I thought that Wren was a good choice for it. She has the background that I found intriguing, and it seemed to mesh nicely with what I had in mind.

I try hard not to slip into passive voice, unless it's absolutely necessary. The scene should have forward momentum, and I don't want it to start dragging. That's not to say that passive voice doesn't have a place. But I like to use it as sparingly as possible.

Thanks for the feedback. I will definitely re-request!


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Review #12, by Roisin 

6th January 2015:
Here for our swap!

I was so interested by your story summary--it sounded so unlike anything else, so I had read. And it really IS rather a unique story already! I really like the character of Wren--she seems quite complex and has a lot going on (plus I loved that she is messy like me, and also resents getting help cleaning because you can never find anything after!)

I'm already really interested in this story. This intro chapter is particularly strong, and I already feel like several fascinating threads/potential plotlines have been introduced. I'm super stoked to keep reading!

And the whole chapter just shows an incredible amount of polish! The writing is consistently strong, and really well balanced, and nothing ever seemed gratuitous. I adore all of your characterizations, and the pacing and flow were all excellent! Basically, this is one of those elusive 'perfect chapters!'

I wish I'd taken notes or written down reactions while I read, but I was so taken up in the story that I got completely absorbed! I'm sorry I don't have any useful comments.

Needless to say, I'm definitely coming back to this story!

Author's Response:

Swapeeie!

That's not a word, but don't you feel that certain letter combinations SHOULD be real words?? Yeah, me too.

Oh gosh, the summary! I have no idea what to do with those. Sometimes, I feel like I should just leave it blank and go, "Read the first two paragraphs and decide from there." LOL.

Hey, Wren isn't supposed to be some tragic heroine in this story. Just a regular girl with real-life problems that get in the way of the way she thinks her life ought to be.

Wow. Maybe that should have been my summary. Nah, it's too mundane. Anyway, I'm glad it sucked you in, and I'm happy you can identify with Wren, and woah. I don't know about the "perfectness" of this chapter. But if you're still interested in reading on, and the characters are adorable, then it did its job. :)

Completely absorbed? I feel like I'm being showered with compliments over here. You put a big smile on my face! Come back anytime!


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Review #13, by Holly the Holiday Horklump 

27th December 2014:
Hey there from your Secret Santa! I've wanted to read this for awhile, so here I am!

Wren is adorable from the start. Sort of threatening-adorable, my favorite kind. I can completely see her holing up in a corner, warding off people with camera flashes. I'm excited bout Gran and the sickness. The way she describes the Longbottom's sleep is so fairytale like.

I love the cousin bickering. I'm your best/oldest friend. Premature older Albus (that was sorta dark, Rose, I like it). Then Wren height-checking Albus. Gran stair-blocking Albus. James Potter is a toucher, I see. I love these glimpses into their school life from their conversation. i haven't met these characters for very long, but I get an idea of their priorities and interests.

Oh no, Wren! :( Her sadness seems plucked from reality; I see where it's coming from so clearly, both with her sick Gran and her leaving home--a home that isn't just a home. I like that she's conflicted and honest about how much she loves her home, even more than her grandparents. It's important, I think, to be certain of what matters most to you, and of what you will fight for.

Ahh the light again! I have this crazy theory that it's related to a camera flash, but it seems to last too long for that.

For CC, I'd say to think about rearranging some of the chapter. There are snatches of information that don't fit where they are. I like knowing about Gran's situation and her moving situation quickly (I find out later that Wren's moving, but I wasn't sure initially--that can be clarified too!), but I don't think it fits in-between Rose's shouting. I think that bit of info needs to either be addressed immediately or have space to stretch its legs later on. The moving scene is also a little long; maybe cutting off at Rose telling Albus to go to Wren? The things we learn afterward are somewhat extraneous and it's a nice transition to Albus heading down to the trees (doesn't need a scene change).

I love the characters and what I've learned of the story so far. I'm glad I started this! :)

Author's Response: Ahh! It's Holly the Horklump!!! I am so honored that you have come to grace me with your presence... presents...

Ahh, Wren. I'm glad you like her introduction. Those first few glimpses of the main character can be so tricky, and I get so excited that I want everyone to know everything about her all at once, but that's not really how stories are supposed to go. I can totally see her holing up with her camera as a shield against a bunch of things. Haha!

I'm glad the other characters come through clearly. They mean a lot to Wren, and they care about her a great deal.

Oooh, that would be very cool if the flash was related to the camera. Hmm...

I agree with your comments about the order of things. I felt like the moving scene was a bit long as well, but I was having trouble figuring out what to cut. I like your suggestion and will keep it in mind if I go back and edit later.

Thanks so much, Holly the Horklump! I loved hearing your thoughts and ideas about this story!


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Review #14, by Gabriella Hunter 

1st October 2014:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to get to you. I would have been here sooner but I was really busy and haven't had much time to do any reading or reviewing. It was a major pain.

Anyway, on to this! I haven't really read many stories that feature Neville's children as the main characters but I think that you really have something special here. Wren has a lot of good character traits already set up in this first chapter, I was able to get a good feel for her without having to struggle to follow along. I think that maybe I was able to understand her better with how she felt about moving away from her home. I think everyone's had a moment like that but there's some interesting mystery surrounding the reason.

I never thought of Neville's grandmother like thi before but I love that you've turned it around and made her so vulnerable. I do wonder what will happen to her though and it was really sad to hear about Neville's parents. I don't think there was anything to be done for them but I do hope that Augusta will eventually come out of her grief. There's something more going on there, I think but I'm sure you'll get to that soon...there's that creepy light that's really getting to me now.

Is it a spirit? I am really curious about it and I am just as determined to find out as Wren is--it kidnapped a bunny! I do not agree with that at all! >:(

So, I liked all of your side characters as well, Rose, Albus and James were very likeable. I liked that you didn't beat me over the head with their own family's history either and just let the story carry them through. I got enough of their personalities here to not need a lot of detail right now and their friendships with one another seem solid.

I don't have any CC's to offer either so I'm just going to wait for you to re-request this so I can figure out what happened to that bunny. Hahahaha.

Thanks for the read!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Gabbie!

Seriously, it is always nice to get a review, so who cares how long it takes for life to give you a moment. I'm just glad you made it.

It just makes sense to me that Neville would stay connected on some level with Harry and Ron and their families. I imagine that their kids would at least know of each other. Besides, it's too convenient to use the canon kids as friends of Wren. I'm glad you got a feel for them. They're fun.

One of the reasons I chose Wren was because I couldnt remember ever reading about any Longbottom Nextgen as main characters. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea and the potential back ground a kid like that would have. So much room to play!

All I have to say about the creepy light is, if you are interested, then it did its job.

Thanks for coming around and leaving such a lovely review!

See you next time!


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Review #15, by Veritaserum27 

20th September 2014:
Hi!

I'm tagging you from review tag!

I've seen this story so many times and I've meant to give it a look, but just never got the chance. That's why I love review tag so much.

Oops - sorry for the rambling - on to your awesome story!

This first chapter is everything a first chapter should be! You've set the tone of the story, introduced the characters and given the reader a reason to keep reading. I love mysteries - and I can't wait to see what happens next.

My heart is aching for Wren. She seems like such a kind and compassionate character. She doesn't deserve this fate, but she is accepting it as best she can for now. I love her name and the fact that she is passionate about animals. I see a lot of Neville in her - where he found his joy was in studying plants, Wren feels the same way about caring for animals. It seems that she has some very dedicated and loving friends in the Potter-Weasley cousins and that's good, because she's going to need them!

Hmmm - this flash of light is very curious, very curious indeed... I'm wondering if Augusta knows something about it and that is why she is demanding that her family leave the house. I won't ever, ever discount Augusta Longbottom - that woman is tough!!

I also detected a hint (tiny, tiny) of feelings between Wren and Albus. That proves to be interesting to see where it goes. By the way, I love the super-short Albus and very tall James characters.

Your writing is beautiful. I love how you show us the story instead of just telling it. The way Wren describes her house, the grounds and her childhood memories is just heartbreaking. I felt so emotional while reading this.

Great job!

Beth (Veritaserum27)

Author's Response:
Hi!

Hey, I'm glad you took a chance to see what it was all about. Rabbits are all the rage in some parts of the world. Haha!

Aww, thanks! I tried to cover all my bases with this first chapter. There is a lot of Neville in Wren, and I always imagined that if Neville had children, they would at least be on a first name basis with the Potter-Weasley children.

Augusta is still pretty tough, but she's also a lot older now. And yeah, I liked how Albus turned out, with some room to grow. Lol!

Thanks so much for reading my first chapter! I hope I can entice you to come back for a little more some day.

Pix


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Review #16, by Lostmyheart 

14th June 2014:
Hi!

Ugh, I am SO sorry for the long wait. I had to prepare for exams and all, so time flew by. But I'm here now, so I hope it's okay you waited for so long :)

First of all, it was an excellent chapter - it was very nice and slow, and I liked how you portrayed each character. Wren, of course being the main character, seemed very well-build. Not physically, but you know what I mean.
I like that Rose, Albus and James come and help with the boxes, and that Wren seemed kind of in her own world. It did take a long time while reading this to adjust to the fact that Wren is a girl. I'm not english, and where I come from Wren is not a name we use - like ever. And the only time I've heard of it was in a tv-show where the character who had it, was a male. Hehe :)
The flow of the chapter was very easy, and I liked how you build it up. And the beginning was so interesting, where she wondered what that light in the woods were. It makes me think that the whole story is going to be build around that, and that she'll eventually find out what it is. And since it's light, I don't think it's something dark. But your story is under the category 'Dark', so there's probably something else to it :)

I enjoyed reading your story, and I hope this review answered some of your questions :)
Feel free to re-request.

- Lostmyheart

Author's Response: Hi!

No problem on the wait. If it's any consolation, I haven't responded to my reviews all summer because of that pesky thing called RL interfering. Bleah.

Anyway, I chuckled at Wren being "well-built", that's funny. She definitely doesn't have a lot of bulky muscle mass, physically, that is.

I have never met a male with the name Wren. The only times I've seen it, it was female, but I can see how the name can be used either way. It's like that with a lot of nature names, I suppose.

Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it so far, and I will definitely re-request!

Pix


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Review #17, by Karou_Marauder 

14th April 2014:
Hiya!

This is a nice start, right into the mystery of the light. You do a good job of describing Wren's feelings about everything without leaving out the descriptions of what's going on around her, so we really get a feel for what's happening.

I like the little argument between Albus and Rose outside the door, as immediately get a feeling for what kind of person Rose is.

That's sad, about her Gran. Augusta Longbottom was always such a...hmm...a trooper, shall we say, and now she's ill. Neville must be so upset, on top of his parents' death too.

The way you drop little things about each character is really well done: "they all loved Neville as a person but no one really shared his passion for plants" tells us exactly what Neville is like, along with "his help always seemed to come with an equal amount of embarrassment."

The banter between the cousins is just right - not too much but just enough for us to see they have an easy relationship. The bit where James goes: "Ooh, sandwiches!" is great. :)

Wren loves her animals, doesn't she? And the bunny is so cute. I just can't shake the feeling, though, that somehow the bunny is going to end up inside her somehow? Well, something bad is going to happen anyway.

There it is! The mysterious flash of light from that morning. And the bunny is gone. Spooky...

I think I will HAVE to read the rest of this!

-Karou

Author's Response:

Hi there!

Yay, I'm glad you liked the mystery of the light. Sometimes I think I put a little too much mystery into this story, but I just went with it. It was fun, but sometimes even I confused myself.

Wren does love her animals. And yes, you're right. Bad things will happen. I guess that's why I chose "dark" as a genre. And yes, more mystery!!

Thanks so much for reading my story. I do hope you come back for more someday soon!

Pix


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Review #18, by AudenPenelope 

13th April 2014:
Hello!
So I'm not going to lie, I find the title of this story a little strange but I'm so glad I found it. (And I LOVE Florence and the Machine) It's such a great beginning and I already love Wren as a character. And I absolutely adore the interaction between Wren and Al. This seems like such an original story and I hope to keep reading! :D

Author's Response:

Hi, AudenPenelope!

I'm so glad you found this story too! If you love the quirky bits of Florence and the Machine, you'll probably like this story. LOL! I did mean for this to be original, so don't expect too many cliche's, but do expect some weird here and there.

And by all means, let me know what you think, good or bad.

Thanks for reading!

-Pix


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Review #19, by Rumpelstiltskin 

9th April 2014:
Hey there! Sorry about the delay, there was a minor and unexpected emergency that had to be dealt with. Onwards!

Plot/plot arch: I really enjoyed the way this began, with a mysterious light that captured Wren's full attention and wonderment. I may be speculating here, but I'm going to make the assumption that this light has an important role in the story (and I cannot wait to see what that is). You did a very good job at building in humorous aspects via natural conversation, as it was very subtle (for example, the mildly embarrassing comment on the clean-status of Wren's undergarments). The interactions in this opening scene was fabulous, and gods know I love dialogue -- especially when it's fantastic dialogue like this.

The section involving Gran and Alice and Frank Longbottom was extremely interesting. The medical ideas to solving Alice and Franks condition, as well as providing Gran with nothing but "more time" was extremely fitting. It was not only interesting, but it provided some background information that ties this back to the familiar, which was very nice. It was also a fantastic idea, though sad, to say that by losing Gran, Wren lost a piece of herself as well. That's a congruent feeling among many people when losing loved ones.

Packing is never a fun experience, especially when it involves packing the belongings of a dead person. I can just picture all of the old-timey purses and mounted fanged gerbil heads -- all musty and antique-looking of course -- with perhaps fine layers of dust over some of the lesser used items. You've managed once more to intertwine some humor into this scene, which was very much appreciated.

I found Wren's counterpoint to "it's only a house" very level-headed. Everything is only what it is (well, typically), but that doesn't mean people can't form natural emotional attachments to them.

The bunny must have a great deal to do with the story, considering the name and the fact that the mysterious light came and swept the bunny away. That's very interesting, and a very mean (though brilliant) place to end a chapter! Cliffhangers!

Characterization: Wren -- A photographer, that's interesting in itself. She likes to capture images of real-life occurrences and perhaps either has an appreciation for beauty or the bizarre (or both). Her distraction with the mysterious light speaks to her possible sense of curiosity and even adventure. Some of the indirect characterization, especially of Wren being able to tell somebody off with her eyes was also extremely helpful in deducing the puzzle that is an OC. Her connection to the house isn't just because of the house, I'm assuming, but more of the memories that the house holds for her. There is a great deal of delicious character details in this chapter, and of course this is only the first chapter, so there will be additional characterization along the way.

--Albus: He seems like a great friend. So far, I really like his personality. I find it intruiging that he's the only one that isn't subject to Wren's wrath. There must be something to that.

--Rose: She's a spunky one, and she certainly makes me laugh. Fantastic job.

Detail: You've added a lovely amount of detail in this. It's enough to give me room to explore the setting with guidance and my imagination, but doesn't overpower the story. Perfect!

Style/Emotion: One of the things that I enjoyed most about your style was your dialogue-tag relationships, or rather lack thereof. Instead of constantly having a dialogue and tag, you surround the dialogue with character actions that give the reader indication as to who is speaking. That's highly unusually in many of the stories I've read on this site, and absolutely wonderful. On the emotion side, Wren's emotions felt real in this and were completely understandable. She was not only losing her Gran and her grandparents, but also her home. That's a lot to deal with for a young girl.

Notes/other: I've actually wanted to read this for a while now, so I'm really glad that I was able to get at least a chapter in!

Spectacular job!

-Rumpel

Author's Response:

No worries over the delay. I'm just glad you're here!

Lots of people I talk to say that the first chapter is easy to write. They're all excited about the story, and it just flows right out of their brain. For me, the first chapter is excruciatingly difficult to get right. Maybe it's because I overthink it too much, or maybe it's because every time I write something longer than a one-shot, I always end up rewriting the first chapter when I'm done. Several times.

I love natural conversational dialogue. I love it when someone thinks that I've succeeded in it too! :)

Dealing with Augusta and the Longbottoms seemed like a great place to start. I haven't read very many fics that dealt with them in the future, and I was insanely curious about what their lives might be like. I'm glad you liked the humor that I threw into the packing scene. Overall, it turned out much heavier than I wanted it, but I didn't want to downplay the effect it had on Wren.

Yay for characterization! It's hard to get people interested in an OC, unless you give them something to connect with. I'm also happy that the details weren't too overbearing. I don't like cluttering up my story with stuff that doesn't matter, so it's good that you felt there was enough small stuff thrown in there to give you a clear setting.

Thanks for coming by and trying out my new-ish story! And thanks for the wonderful review!!



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Review #20, by MargaretLane 

5th April 2014:
Hmm, intriguing opening to this chapter. Not sure what this flash or glow is.

I was kinda confused at first about the fact her gran was still alive after her grandparents died, until I found out she was Neville's daughter.

I sort of doubt they'd talk about taking double Transfiguration. I think the subject would just be Transfiguration. A double'd just mean they had two class periods together for it.

Anyway, if James is in seventh year, he'd be taking the same subjects as the previous year, as the N.E.W.T.S. are a two year course. I think she'd ask "are you taking Transfiguration for your N.E.W.T.S.?" rather than "are you taking Transfiguration this year?"

I like her comment about being sadder about leaving her home than about her grandparents dying. It sort of gives her a depth and it makes sense that her grandparents dying would mean much to her anyway, as she never really had the opportunity to properly know them.

Hmm, considering the title, I feel certain this rabbit is going to be significant, but how, I'm not sure.

This sounds like a pretty original story. I'm not sure what is going on or what is significant and what's not, but you've really dropped us straight into the action and got me thinking right from the beginning.

Author's Response:

Hi!

I did have some trouble with the whole gran vs. great-gran thing. I love your suggestion, and I will try it out when I go back and tidy up things. Thanks!

Transfiguration thing noted.

I'm glad you thought Wren had some depth here. This is a big transition for her, and she has every right to be upset over it. And yeah, there's rabbits in this story. Lots. I hope you like rabbits...

Thanks for leaving your thoughts! I'm glad it got you thinking about the possible directions of the plot. Plotting is fun!

Pix


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Review #21, by TidalDragon 

29th March 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by in response to your review request.

To get right to it, color me intrigued. You have done a good job setting up your MC, what's going on in her life, relationships with key characters, and a unique little mystery.

I also feel like the other characters you addressed in this chapter were well characterized. Very often I see stories where even major characters are not able to be heavily differentiated from one another in terms of their traits and dialogue, so it was refreshing to see distinct dialogue and attitudes from Rose, Albus, and James (II).

As far as the specific questions you included in your request, I'll take a wait and see approach and address those in other reviews. I'll confess I did feel this chapter was a bit long, but I'm hoping that's because some of the issues that you focused on heavily that seem at first glance like character background are actually going to prove to be central plot pieces. So we shall see what happens.

See you in the next chapter!

Author's Response:
Hello!

Yay for setup! And individualized characters!

I know it's not time to address the big questions I have, which is why I was so excited to see your reviewing style. I've been looking for someone to give me an opinion on overall story arc for forever! I'm so glad you volunteered! (hoping you aren't regretting it... :P)


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Review #22, by SilentConfession 

29th March 2014:
Hi!!

I'm here to start on my reviews. Since we were also paired for the review exchange i'm going to do more than I would regularly do for my thread (which is two each request). :) So expect at least 4.

I need to comment first on how i'm shocked I haven't read this story before now. Or any of your work. There is a really beautiful quality to this and it shows how much you are in control of your writing. It is something I very much admire in writers. I think that's because i'm so not in control when I write. I'm far too impatient and distracted. However, I love all the small details in this chapter. It really gets me into the story. I can literally feel her emotions and the descriptions of her surroundings really help a reader get into the mood of it. For example, describing how the dew from the grass soaks into Albus' trouser's, or describing that whole scene with Wren and her animals. There was something so simplistic about it, but it really seemed to capture this whole leaving your childhood behind and being thrust into the unknown.

I already feel like your characterization is strong. I get a strong feeling of who Wren is with this first chapter and I feel connected to her life. Which is saying something as it is only the first chapter. I like how, at the moment, she is so focussed on the past (who wouldn't be in her position?) but I like how that it seemed so contrasting to her currently situation. Like how you focus on if her Gran was here she'd go investigate or she'd go and tell her to be practical about it. It gave a really beautiful sense of how much is changing around Wren. It made me feel really sad for her to see her life ripped apart so completely. The scene with the animals nearly made me cry because she's so compassionate with those animals and yet she has to let them go before they're ready. (the line i absolutely loved the most 'Fly. Be free.' because it seemed like that was how Wren was feeling herself.) It was such an emotionally charged moment and ending it with the bunny 'disappearing' or what have you with the flash of light made it that much more poignant. It immediately grabs the reader's attention and makes them want to read more because we're so involved and caught up in that moment.

On to your concerns of story dynamics. I've brushed on this a little, but at the moment it feels very in control. I don't think you have much to worry about with this first chapter and I don't think it confuses readers at all. There is a sense of suspense and foreboding in it, but it doesn't get convoluted or twisty in ways that would make it difficult to understand.

The only thing I found a bit off were those few paragraphs near the beginning introducing the problem with Gran and her grandparents. It seemed a bit convoluted with a lot of repetition of Gran and grandparents. For me, it was hard to keep it all straight especially since it was the introduction of it. It made it hard to focus on the details of what was wrong. I think if perhaps there was a bit more clarity of the difference between the two (as Gran and grandparents are used so interchangeably it almost felt like they were the same). Even if it was something as simple as using Gran Augusta once to differentiate them and say who you're actually talking about. It would probably make the rest of the chapter go smoother as well.

Overall, I think you have a powerfully written first chapter, there is mystery and suspense that you want for a firstie as well. I'll continue to keep my eye out for the story dynamics you asked about, but for now, it is looking really good. I am a fan of a bit of ambiguity and I think how you've introduced the story really leads to interest rather than confusion.

By the way, i really, REALLY hope that it isn't Albus that the summary is referring to!

Author's Response: Hi there!

I know it's after the end of the month, but I really want to get to the last two posted chapters of your story. RL is banging me over the head at the moment, so just know that I'll be over there by the end of the week. :)

Wow, so I am in control of something? That's great! I'm so glad you get a solid feel for Wren and where she is in life.

I struggled with the Gran vs grandparents thing here, as you could see... so did my betas, but I like the idea of adding "Gran Augusta" somewhere. That would definitely distinguish her from the others. I'll try that when I tidy things up a bit.

It's good that you're a fan of ambiguity. So am I. But I've learned that too much of it makes the story difficult to read, so at the same time as I'm developing the mystery, I'm also keeping a firm eye on my clarity. Since you weren't confused much, I assume that it was okay here.

Thanks so much for the lovely review!


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Review #23, by 1917farmgirl 

25th March 2014:
"She hated crying. It always gave her a headache for hours afterward." - I know EXACTLY how Wren feels here. Because I'm in that boat.

Pix, you amaze me. I mean that with all of my heart. You see, I've known Wren for a long time now - before she was ever Wren. We've talked and chatted and I've seen you work and re-work and re-work again on your stuff. You have a dedication I've never seen in any other author here. But even after all of that, and reading parts of this story and knowing the characters and knowing how good you are, I never expected this chapter to hit me like this. Never.

Don't get me wrong - the first part, with Wren and packing her room and Albus and James and Rose - it's all perfectly good Teen stuff, just like you are wanting. Better than most Teen stuff - true - but still firmly in the genre that I know this story is for.

And I know this story is about Blood-sucking things and vampires and more blood and probably even some pie somewhere, or a spoon, but I do hope you also realize that in the middle of writing all of that "stuff" you have written something much more. Something far more powerful.

You have written someone saying goodbye to their childhood, and that is a powerful, powerful thing.

See, despite the fact that I'm a baby and cry over anything with fur or little feet or tiny pink noses (and I am crying and I want personal assurance that the squirrel and the injured bird made it and were fine!) what you've done is simply amazing. Wren's grief is real and palpable as she says goodbye to her home, and her animals, and her childhood. Because she's also saying goodbye to her Gran, at least as she knew her.

My heart is breaking because I know what it's like to leave somewhere that your heart has carved out as your own. To worry that you will wake up someday and not remember how it sounded when the screen door slammed shut, or the way the dirt felt under your toes. That no one else will love it as much as you did.

This is probably the craziest, most off the wall review you've ever had. Sorry. I will try to be more normal from here on out.

Seriously, though. The squirrel and the bird. I need to know.

Author's Response: Hey!

So, I probably sat on this review for longer than should be humanly allowed, but I seriously don't know how to respond appropriately to such praise, except to say thank you.

Wren's a girl, and a friend, and a granddaughter and loves her animals. It's hard to find interesting ways to introduce a character in the first chapter that makes the reader pay attention and get to know them the way that I do... or at least the way I want them to. I'm glad that all of those things I showed gave you a connection to her.

Of course you're not going to like it when I tell you that we will see neither the squirrel or the bird after this chapter. Neither will Wren, for that matter. That said, you are welcome to imagine that they became fully healed after a time and made their home somewhere in the woods in the back of old Gran's bungalow and are merrily preparing for winter. And you're right. Wren might not remember them, or the tree, or the way her toes squished into the mud by the lake, but she has those pictures. Maybe that will be enough.

Thanks for reading my story with potential blood, and maybe a vampire, and perhaps pie and a spoon... (I haven't decided if the spoon subplot will stay or not. A lot of things are getting axed in revision.)

Most of all, thanks for the incredible review!


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Review #24, by ScarletEye158 

23rd February 2014:
Wow, this was such a gripping first chapter! I already feel like I can connect with the characters and feel the pain/heartache that some of them are going through!

I really liked how you set up each of the character's personalities, as well. Wren seem like a really interesting girl and I already like the relationship she has with Al and Rose :)

I feel so bad that she has to leave her childhood home though :( I don't really know too much about what's going on in her family but it sounds like Gran isn't in a very good place right now :/

The whole thing about the light by the lake is really intriguing me. I'm trying to think of what it could possibly be but I'm guessing that I'm probably super wrong on all of them :P

I love how good Wren is with all of the animals, too. I'm a huge animal lover so I was really able to connect with her on that level. It's awesome that she's trying to save them :)

anyways, this was a really good first chapter! I've definitely been sucked in and I really can't wait to read more! Hopefully I'll be able to read more tonight and you'll be seeing more reviews from me! :)

Nice job!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

Thanks so much for the review! I tried to give each of these characters something that they had to work through in this story. I'm glad you can feel them already in the first chapter.

I'd love to hear your guesses about the light by the lake! It's fun to see what it makes other people think of, and how their ideas change as they move through the story. Just throw out any crazy theory. :)

Wren has a real soft spot for saving animals. It's important to the story. Poor girl!

I hope you get to come back real soon! I love hearing your thoughts!

Pix


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Review #25, by monstrosity 

23rd February 2014:
Hi! Aeons ago you requested for a review. Huge apologies for taking so long to get here! Real life is a huge pain, sometimes.

Okay, I'm going to start of with characterization. I really like Wren Longbottom so far. Her compassion to animals makes her a really interesting character. It must be really hard to leave a world she loved behind. She really isn't the kind of person to go jump into the unknown. I'm not sure if this is intended, but her name is actually that of a variety of birds. She really does come across as one with nature, if that makes sense. She takes comfort in the world around her. Mentioning her connection with the water, wind and (of course) the earth, sort of gives her an 'old soul' side to her character that is rare in most teenagers today.

I like Wren's obsession with photography, capturing moments that most people overlook. While a majority focus on the big picture of every situation, Wren seems like the kind of person who basks in the details.

I feel that Albus and Rose are the perfect friends to Wren. Rose is the whole 'typical teenager' whose concerns lie mainly in academics and social life, which is totally normal. Albus is the perfect gentleman, who is generally concerned about everyone, especially Wren.

James is just adorable. He's the perfect comic relief to an otherwise bittersweet chapter. Despite being the oldest among the children present, his behaviour tends to suggest otherwise :)

I think the reason why the story attracts the attention of the reader is because of the unconventional theme is begins on. Normally, stories like to start off with a bang. New beginnings, new occurrence and fresh starts. This story starts off on a closing. There's a sense of winding down of one situation before another one begins. It's a really unique way of starting a story and makes me want to read more :)

I always believe that it takes an element of suspense to really push the story forward and while the entire chapter hints at suspense, it's that flash of light and your abrupt ending that really clinch it. You have no idea how much I'm itching to click the arrow to the next chapter to see what that was all about.

Some of the concerns you mentioned were whether the pace was too slow or the story dragged a bit. Honestly, I think that it's crucial to do a bit of explaining in the first chapter just to tell the readers a bit about the characters and the setting. Hence, I don't think that it's very slow at all. It certainly isn't the most fast pace chapter I've read, but it does give me a good introduction to the story.

Overall, this was a really well written chapter that deserves every review it's received so far. I'm always interested in a next gen story simply because of the possibilities offered to the author. I hope that this review was useful and feel free to request again! Sorry for being so late!

-Sathya

Author's Response: Hi!

I don't care how late a review is. I'm just happy you came! :)

Wren's connection to the animals says a lot about her personality, as well as her photography, which you already picked up on. I don't know if I'd call Albus the "perfect gentleman", but he's definitely a great friend to Wren. And James IS supposed to be the oldest, even though he doesn't seem to act like it. I kind of like that about him.

Your point about this story starting with an ending is a good observation. I hadn't really thought about it that way, but I can see that. It starts with a change, which is important. Either way, I'm glad that it makes you want to read more.

I did think a lot about the themes for this story and how I could make them unique for Wren. They might not be popular themes for fanfiction, but I read them a lot in published stories, so I thought I'd give them a try here. And yeah, the pace isn't neck-breaking, but I still want to keep the reader's attention. Sometimes it's hard to find the balance.

Go. Click the arrow... I dare you...

Thanks for addressing my concerns in your review. I will definitely re-request again!


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