18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MrsJaydeMalfoy 

11th July 2015:
Hufflepuff, House Cup 2015!

Wow, first story I'm reviewing for the HC and you've already got me right in the feels! *sobs* This is so sad! I don't think anyone could read this and NOT feel a pang in their chest.

Something that you've done here that I've never really read before was explain why Lily couldn't just leave, apparate away with Harry. That's something that's always sort of puzzled me, and I like that you've given us an explanation here.

Also, something else I haven't read before that you did was to mention Lily knowing about Pettigrew's betrayal. I hadn't thought about it, or read it, before, but it broke my heart realizing that, in their final moments of life, they not only had thoughts of each other and baby Harry going through their head - they had to deal with knowing that their dear friend had betrayed them. Someone please pick up the pieces of my heart. ;(

You have a great command of emotion here, and you also get HUGE props for originality. Well done, dear, very well written.

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Review #2, by SunshineDaisies 

11th July 2015:
House Cup 2015 Hufflepuff

Oh god, that was just like a punch in the gut! I knew from the title that this was going to hurt me a lot,and I decided to be a masochist and do it anyway. Lily is my all time favorite character, and I think you did a really excellent capturing her character! It was so captivating to read her thoughts in her final moments. I quite literally had to fight back tears. The moment of the thud was absolutely heartbreaking. And thinking about the betrayal! How horrible it must be to learn in your last moments that someone you thought was a friend had betrayed you, especially in such a terrible way. You absolutely managed to convey the the horrors of the first war, all the terror and darkness that surrounded this time period, and you did it in just 500 words, a very impressive feat indeed.


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Review #3, by Jayna 

11th July 2015:
House Cup 2015 - Hufflepuff

Before I start, I just have to comment on your banner and summary. Both are just so beautiful and I especially love your use of that quote. It is super interesting and really draws me in. Anyway, this amazing. Each word had a purpose and each word counted. I absolutely loved it. The emotions were raw and the flow was great. I could really feel Lily's love for Harry. In addition, Sirius and James talking about Harry's future was a nice touch. All in all, this was a perfect story with a perfect ending, but I did notice one tiny mistake.

"Lily stroked Harry’s hair through the bars of the crib and softly murmur, “Harry..." Should be: "Lily stroked Harry’s hair through the bars of the crib and softly murmured, "Harry..."

You missed the ed in murmured. Thanks for such a wonderful story! It was a pleasure to read and I really enjoyed it.


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Review #4, by Dojh167 

11th July 2015:
Hufflepuff House Cup 2015 Review

The bit about the anti-apparition jinx was so tragic and upsetting. You would've thought that Dumbledore would have prepared for if they came under attack, but then again he probably didn't think their Secret Keeper would betray them. The way you wrote about her not being able to meet James' last request was so heartbreaking.

You did a really good job of building and maintaining suspense here - your sentence structure was really intense and really drove the story forward. This is emphasized even more by the contrast you create with how perfect things had been only moments earlier, and then breaking us out of that reverie with the "thud."

I think that the short length works really well for this story. It really gets across the fanticness of the threat, and although Lily is reminiscing, the pressure of the fight keeps her from having too much time to dwell.


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Review #5, by UnluckyStar57 

12th July 2014:
Oh, this was so sad and painful. :/

You always referred to Voldemort as "death." That's a pretty accurate name for him, especially since he came there for one purpose only, and that was to cause the death of three people. I think you really nailed down those horrors of war, and reading about Lily's inability to run like James told her to was terribly sad. :/

I think I've seen Anti-Apparition spells in fanfiction all the time, so it makes a lot of sense that Lily couldn't flee because of one. Why else would she just stay there? I'm sure she knew how to Apparate. It was a good detail to add to the story.

Great work!

House Cup 2014 Review


Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I thought it would be more interesting to see it from Lily's point of view just because she had to hear James die and make that decision to die for her son. I'm glad you liked it! :)

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Review #6, by jessicalorewrites 

11th July 2014:

Sorry for such an upbeat greeting because I am anything BUT upbeat right now. This quiet moment in history is always one of the most painful for me to read, no less because it features the deaths of my OTP. You have done an amazing job portraying this horror though, so well done!! Especially in such a short word count. Amazing! One thing I think you could do to improve this is to not italicise the 'he' for Voldemort but to capitalise it instead to He. I just think this would flow a whole lot better because I was often stopping and starting by putting unnecessary emphasis on 'he' which just completely threw me off course. However overall it was an amazing, powerful piece that was just oh so sad. I really loved the inclusion of the anti-apparation spell though! Like you said, it might not be canon but it sure makes a whole lot of sense as to why Lily couldn't take Harry and get out of there.

Loved, loved, loved reading this!!


{House Cup 2014 Review - Gryffindor}

Author's Response: Ah, Jily is my OTP too! I'm glad that I might have slightly done justice to their deaths. I will definitely take into account the 'he' for Voldemort! Thanks for reading! :)

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Review #7, by Veritaserum27 

11th July 2014:

You did a beautiful job with this! It is impressive that you managed to put so much emotion into only five hundred words. I think that you stayed true to the events as we know them, and to what Lily must have been thinking. So many thoughts buzzing through her head, it was a miracle she had enough wits about her to say goodbye to Harry. The "thud" of the body hitting the floor was more provoking to me than the "high pitched laugh" that followed. To know that your true love has just died for you and your son must force emotions through your heart like no other. And then Lily, ever the Gryffindor, makes a decision that she will stand between Voldemort and Harry and she knows she will die. Very moving.

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
Lily always seemed like the type to function under high pressure, and so I assume that her thoughts would be even more magnified under this circumstance. I can't even imagine what it would have been like to be in Lily's position. Again, thanks for reviewing!:)

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Review #8, by Pretense Of Perfection 

10th July 2014:
I'd be lying if I said this didn't bring tears to my eyes. You managed to convey a lot of conflicting emotions here, and in very few words, which really speaks to your talent. I always try and offer CC, and literally the only thing I think that I can add is to maybe find a beta that's good with brit-pick. It's nothing major, but it might add that flair of authenticity to the story, although it literally doesn't need it. It's perfect in every way. You made Lily's last moments heartbreaking and almost..tender at the same time. Her flash of memories and love for Harry are very apparent, and I imagine these honestly could've been some of her last thoughts before her death. I think the anti-apparition part was pretty clever as well, I've often wondered myself why she didn't apparate, or even open the window and try and jump from the roof or something. I like your writing style, and I think the pace of the story was perfect.

--house cup 2014 review--

Author's Response: This was meant to be emotional, so I'm glad that I managed to hit that for you! I am terrible at the American to British conversion, so I'll keep that in mind. I always thought that even at her last moment, Lily remained that soft hearted person she was rather than be filled with hatred for Voldemort. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)

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Review #9, by Lady Asphodel 

27th March 2014:
Depressing but a very nice insight as to how Lily and James came to their end. I can imagine the movie playing and actually hear Lily's scream in my head as if I was watching the Sorcerer of Stone movie. :)

I loved how you had Lily embrace death and nothing is more touching than a parents/mother's love for their child. She couldn't live in a world where James and/or Harry would not be in her life.

Hope you did well with the challenges! :D

The challenge with the 500 words is the "Every Word Counts" and I entered as well. It's great to see another entry!

- Asphodel

Author's Response: I really admired Lily in her last moments of life because of the way that she stood up to Voldemort when she didn't have to die. Not to mention, her husband had literally JUST died.

Thanks for reading and reviewing :)

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Review #10, by nott theodore 

18th July 2013:
Hello! I'm here reviewing my OTP!

So first of all, I absolutely hate this moment in time. Reading about it is really difficult and I really admire anyone who manages to write about it, because it just tears me up inside. Writing about it as well as you've done here is very impressive as well, especially considering that you wrote this for the Every Word Counts challenge, and so you have to convey a lot with a small number of words.

There's so much emotion in this story from the first word to the last, and that's a very hard thing to do, but this story and moment definitely needs that emotion. I could really feel Lily's terror at the beginning of the story when she doesn't know what is happening and can't get away, like James told her to. Then comes the utter despair which follows when she realises that James has died, and that there's nothing she can do to protect her son and save him from the evil that is Voldemort. I could really empathise with her here, and in such a short story, that's a great thing to achieve.

There was some lovely imagery and description in this one-shot as well. The flashes of green light that peek through the door are one of my favourite examples. But at the same time, you strike the balance brilliantly, not over-using description at all.

You've done a brilliant job with this. It was very powerful and poignant, and I loved it!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading! I know it's difficult; I had planned to write this one-shot for the longest time but I always put it off because it's so hard, especially since Jily is also my OTP.
I once saw a post on Tumblr about how hard it must have been for Lily to hear her husband died and ever since I saw that, that always resonated with me, Lily knowing James had died. It was difficult to write through that part!

Anyways; thank you SO much for reading and for reviewing! (:

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Review #11, by Calypso  

16th July 2013:
Hello! Here for the House Cup :)

This was so tense! You conveyed Lily's panic and terror wonderfully, so that I could really empathise with her. It was written so vividly... I love how you plunged the reader straight into the action there at the beginning- I guess because you don't have many words to spare- and make the reader work out the situation that Lily's in as they read on.

I loved how you described how the green light "peeked" under the door. It seemed like a rather childlike word that fitted perfectly with the childishness of Harry. There was a great contrast between the violence of the spells, and the innocuous-ness of that word... And actually also the contrast between her attempts to comfort Harry and the terror in her mind.

The imagery was really striking in this too- the bit where Lily was describing the pain like red hot knives, was especially great, I thought.

There was something a bit disjointed and fleeting about the way you wrote this, which perfectly seemed to capture Lily's fractured state of mind- it made it seem even more realistic.

And the ending was great (if a bit depressing!) It felt so final, and really brought home what an awful end it was for a woman who had such a full life.

A really dramatic and exciting one-shot! Great job!


Author's Response: Im glad that the disjointed sort of thinking fit well with how it would have been to be Lily. There must have been a million things running through her head, so I wanted to do her justice. I'm glad that you enjoyed this! Thank you for reading and for giving such a lovely review!(:

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Review #12, by randomwriter 

16th July 2013:
Hey :)
Here from the 'Review the person above you' thread!
This was a really nice story. It takes talent to be able to convey so much in so few words, and I think you've done justice to both these challenges.
It certainly did display the horror. This scene is so sad, and I really felt the pain.
Good job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear that I managed to do justice to the two challenges. Thank you for reading and reviewing!(:

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Review #13, by ginnypotter242 

15th July 2013:
This was incredible. You conveyed so many emotions in so little words, I love how you did that. Lily's thoughts when she hears James fall must have been horrible, and you did such a good job of conveying them. You showed how strong she was, showing her being strong after hearing her husband being murdered. Pieces like this are incredibly difficult to write, and you captured the emotions just right.

You did a great job with every part of this story. Great job.


Author's Response: I always thought one of the worst parts was to hear James die. To have to hear your own husband die while feeling absolutely hopeless is a feeling I can't even comprehend. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! (:

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Review #14, by HeyMrsPotter 

15th July 2013:
This was really really amazing! Anyone that can write a story in 500 words gets endless cookies from to to start with!! I loved how powerful this was, I love the finality of the ending, I loved how well you described Lily's thought process throughout this and I love how well you worked in the quote. Excellent one-shot!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! This was definitely more of a challenge for me so I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Review #15, by maskedmuggle 

14th July 2013:

So this moment is really quite popular to be written about, but I really liked your interpretation of it here. I really loved how you conveyed Lily's emotions, and her thoughts felt very realistic and were believable. I think you definitely succeeded in conveying Lily's love, for James and for Harry, and you were able to make me feel quite sad at this tragic event. Also, I think you did manage to convey the horrors of the First War quite effectively, even with just 500 words.

I also liked that you tried to explain why Lily didn't apparate away - something I've never thought about before - and whilst I'm not completely sold on the anti-apparition spell, you're right that it seems even more unlikely that she couldn't apparate in the first place. Perhaps she just didn't want to leave James behind? All in all, I thought this was just quite a powerful fic that was also wonderfully written.

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle
House Cup 2013

Author's Response: This is definitely very popular, which is why I also wanted my own take on it. I'm glad that I succeeded in getting the emotions out because that is one of the things that I'm trying to work on as a writer! Lily not Apparating away is always a question (among many) that I'd like to ask JKR; it had never made sense to me why she couldn't, unless Lily just never learned so the anti-apparition was my take on why Lily couldn't Apparate away. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!(:

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Review #16, by Diezal325 

28th June 2013:
i cried! It was good tho! Plz check out my stories xx

Author's Response: I definitely will take a look! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! (:

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Review #17, by SilentConfession 

25th June 2013:
Hey! Thank you so much for entering my challenge! i've really enjoyed reading this.

You're the second person to chose this moment to portray and I think you've done a great job at trying to capture such an important, emotional scene. This is where the whole books starts really, it all comes back to this sacrifice. It's a huge moment and i commend you for exploring it more and making it your own.

What I really liked about this is just the despair Lily feels when she realizes that she can't save Harry. That she's trapped and it's only a matter of time before Voldemort comes for her and him. The fact that you went into some detail about the night also made this stand out. You showed that it was just a regular day, that they had enjoyed themselves today with seeing their mates and it was a strange juxtaposition that those moments only just seemed to happen and yet now they are facing their death.

I like how the ended was focussed on Harry. How she thought that if she could she'd give up everything for Harry. It showed the love she had for him and showed her sacrifice as being pure. The kind of sacrifice that would stop Voldemort from being able to kill Harry in the end.

It's great also that you were able to convey so much with so little words as well. That is definitely something you should be proud of because it's hard to get across a moment in 500 words for sure. I wished i could have seen some more sensory and emotional detail. However, i felt like with the small amount of words you used you were able to paint a picture of the sadness that a loss of a son and husband would mean to a person and how the darkness of the world was just choking them all.

I really enjoyed this! Thanks for entering!

Author's Response: This is really such a lovely review. I felt like writing James and Lily's death is something so delicate because it needs to be approached with so much care and thoughtfulness that I'm glad you enjoyed this one-shot!

I definitely will take into consideration the fact that there could be more sensory and emotional detail; that really would have added tons to this story.

Thanks for reading and it is my pleasure to enter the challenge! Thanks for your lovely review! (:

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Review #18, by SiriusAura92 

20th June 2013:
This was a pretty good story. I liked the description of how she felt when she heard James die and how she reflected on her last moments of happiness.
You probably could have gone a bit further, maybe describe what she was thinking/feeling when she was begging for mercy but, in all, I enjoyed reading it.
Oh, and it's an 'Anti-Disapparition Jinx'. It stops people from disappearing (that's how I remember it). :)

Author's Response: thank you for reading! I actually really did want to get more into her past memories of happiness but I had to work with writing it under 500 words. Yes! That was it! I wasn't sure how else Lily couldn't have Disapparated away, unless you can't disapparate with a baby. thank you so much for reading and reviewing! (:

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