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29 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Liana 

30th January 2015:
I wonder how many people really didn't like Draco. It seemed like he was usually a bully.

Author's Response: Hi again! I definitely think there were quite a few people who wouldn't like Draco, either because he bullied them or acted like he was better than them. It was fun writing how the other characters detested him so much at this point. :P

Thanks so much for the great review!


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Review #2, by Secret Santa ;D 

18th December 2014:
Aaand we're back for day two!

I'm excited to find out more about what Tor was like at Hogwarts. I'm interested in reading about a protagonist that is on the side of the Death Eaters, but not necessarily one. People usually stray away from writing this sort of story. And knowing that she's going to go from believing in the pureblood mania to falling in love with a muggleborn makes this a ride I am definitely willing to go on.

I find it interesting that she has a particular talent for Occlumency and Legilimency. The prologue already showed that you know how to use that in really inventive ways.

I found it hilarious how she mused that the Minister should have just asked her if Sirius was a Death Eater. Because of course they'd know if he was or not. I wonder if they were actually a little offended or questioned if he was and they just weren't in on the secret or not.

The flashback really was horrifying. I can't imagine seeing the real meaning of what it meant to serve Voldemort for the first time. It puts a lot into perspective that they've seen that sort of thing and still hold firm in their beliefs.

TOR JUST DESCRIBED UMBRIDGE AS SWEET IN A TOTALLY SINCERE WAY, WOW.

Your OCs are so strongly characterized. Pyxis especially sticks out to me. Intriguing that he blames the Malfoys for the failure at the Ministry. They all believe in the same ideology, but they're not just stock Slytherins which is the most important thing in a story that focuses on this house. You can almost get away with it if it's in the background, but in a story centered around Snakes, having disagreements and generally not making them one big bigoted mass always helps the story along. (Although in this time, most probably ARE bigoted)

The blood on Malfoy's robes are an excellent tie in to canon that I almost missed, by the way. I love these stories told on the fringes of canon for that exact reason; finding the references is SUPER fun.

Still really enjoying this story :) Can't wait to come back tomorrow!

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Review #3, by Jess the Enthusiast 

20th September 2014:
What I really like about this is how prejudice your main character is. Usually when I read fics where the pureblood Slytherin falls for the muggle-born, they are different from their peers, as they have a tolerant and progressive worldview. I like how the main character here is going to have to grow and change and shed the bigotry that has been ingrained in her throughout her entire life. It's a really interesting and compelling journey for a character, and I commend your choice to take that route.

Great job!

Author's Response: Hello!!

I'm glad you like how she is prejudiced and how it's realistic considering how she was raised. I imagined that even though Tor does have potential to be a good person and she is very smart and observant, she still is subject to her family and social influences, as everybody is even if they don't realize it. I'm so glad you like how she will have to change and develop throughout the novel! Thanks so much for the wonderful review!! :D


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Review #4, by Teddy1993 

16th August 2014:
Great chapter. I think it will be interesting to see everything from the Slytherin point of view. Especially because you seem to be sticking to the events of the books for now. Very nicely written!

Author's Response: Hi again!

I love writing from the Slytherin point of view, and events from canon definitely weave in and out of the storyline. Thanks so much for the lovely reviews! :)


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Review #5, by jailbird 

23rd July 2014:
I'm confused... Astoria Yaxely? Or is there something I'm missing? Suppose I should read on!
Anyway, this was a great chapter! I love stories from the perspective of minor characters. It's really interesting to see the story from someone else's POV. The fact that's it's a Slytherin makes it all the more interesting!
Brilliant chapter. Really enjoyed reading it!

Author's Response: Hi again! :)

Yup, Tor is Astoria Yaxley - she just goes by her mother's name usually. :) It's mostly because I found him quite fascinating and wanted to tie him into the story. It sort of gets explained a little better in the fifth chapter.

I'm so glad you like it so far! One of the best parts of writing a Hogwarts era story is tying in canon and all the canon characters.

Thanks so much for your lovely reviews! :)


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Review #6, by zealousVisionary 

9th July 2014:
House Cup 2014 Review

Hello there!

This was definitely a great first chapter. My attention was caught right away with your lovely writing and stayed that way the whole chapter. Tor seems like an interesting, intelligent MC, and I'm loving her interactions with the other characters.

The setting was also developed quite well, and I can't wait to read the next chapter! Astoria is one of those characters I've always wondered about, and I can't wait to read more about her. Thanks for the great read!

Author's Response: Hello! :)

Thanks so much! I'm glad you're liking the story so far and the writing style, that's really lovely to hear. I'm pleased you like Tor as well, she's quite fun to work on and I love getting feedback on her.

I love Astoria as well and was curious about her life, so that's how this story really got off the ground.

Thanks so much for the lovely review! :)


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Review #7, by BookDinosaur 

8th July 2014:
House Cup 2014 Review!

HAI AGAIN, JENNA. :D

This chapter was so wonderful and you really manage to set the scene so well in this chapter even though, comparing it to your more recent chapters, this one is very short. You do such a great job of introducing us to the characters and their beliefs and hopes and even some of the recent activity they've gotten up to and it's all slipped in very naturally and easily.

I think your characters are really well established here and you've got the groundwork for more development and even at this early stage I'm pretty sure I could tell them apart if you described them to me separately. Tor seems like a lovely girl but she really is caught up in the wrong side and now it's making me just sad to think of how many people truly did believe their cause was the right one and died for it. :(

You know already that I love the tiny canon details you add in (or lots of the time not even canon, just making the story more interesting) and here I loved the little mention of Umbridge and how she set Amaris to research the inhuman properties of centaurs - it definitely seems like the sneaky underhanded trick she would pull with her rank. I also really loved the blood on Malfoy's robes and shoes and how he looked pleased with himself, it's a tiny detail but adds so much more to the story once you add it in, so kudos to you there!

Quite a few of the introductory chapters I've read are a bit (dare I say it? xD) boring, with the characters just being introduced and their setting being established and all that seems a bit like something the author wants to get out of the way before getting on to the actual story, but you managed to weave it into your storytelling enough that it wasn't like that at all and I didn't find it the least bit boring even if I'm technically rereading this. :P

This was a really good introductory chapter Jenna, and I'm really looking forward to reading more of this story!

Author's Response: Hi Emily!! ♥ Can I just say you are so wonderful for coming back to these early chapters? I always cringe a little bit when I re-read them but it means a lot in raising my confidence that you liked it.

Haha, it is very short! I miss the days of only writing 2k chapters. :( *sighs*

I'm so pleased that you like the characters. I really like writing them, especially Tor and Pyxis, and it's great that they seemed distinctive even at the beginning. It's so true: she was pretty much brainwashed at this point in time and so many of her peers would always be trapped in that without the option to make their own choice.

I'm glad you like the mentions of canon! One of the best things about writing Hogwarts era is the guidance of tying in canon events. Malfoy is so fun to write during this period of the story, he's so smug and annoying haha. I'm so happy you noticed and liked that detail.

Well, I'm glad you didn't find this boring - phew! :P Thank you so much for this Emily, it really means a lot!! ♥


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Review #8, by Lostmyheart 

17th May 2014:
Hi again, Jenna! :D

I seriously enjoy reading your story! It's so well-written and interesting. Of course I have to adjust to the fact that they're a few years younger than Harry and the others. I was so confused, because Amaris called Dolores for Professor, and I'm like "that's not in third year". Haha :D

Now I finally find out she's Astoria. The nickname Tor was a little bit confusing, mostly because whenever I read it, I hear Thor in my mind! :D But that's just me, I can't get Chris Hemsworth out of my mind :)

And I loved the detail with the blood on Malfoy's shoes! So perfect, it truly goes along with the storyline and I thank you for that, it's so perfect :)

I can't wait to read the rest!
Avi

Author's Response: Hi again! :)

Yay, I'm glad you liked it! :) Haha yeah, Astoria is two years younger here, though I'm not really sure if that's officially canon or not.

Thor is pretty hard to forget about. :P I gave her this nickname because I wanted her to stand alone as a girl who is more than just Draco's future wife Astoria, but it has confused a few people. Hmm.

Thank you! :) I love tying in the little canon details and how Tor might notice them. :D

Thank you for another lovely review! :)


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Review #9, by ReeBee 

20th January 2014:
Hi! Review swap!! Another great chapter with heaps of introductions, that were handled super well! :D

Characterisation: Before I start, can I just say that I really like the name, 'Tor'. It's really bubbly, which strikes me as sort of ironic as the narration is really kind of cold and mild, in a way. So, maybe try showing a bit more emotion through your writing? But, I understand if u wanted Tor to be kind of cold, because she does seem to be proud of her Death Eater heritage. But, I pointed it out, just in case :) I think you've handled it quite well. The characters seemed to have well defined personalities :) And I assume you'll develop further on them as the story progresses.

Description: Setting description was good :) Incorporated quite well :D Description of the characters' features was present but I would have liked to see a bit more, just a sentence between all of the dialogue? But even without it was fine :)

Plot: An introductory paragraph, a good one at that! Great job! :D The introductions were smooth and everything was really well done :) Nothing to comment on here except that it was done really well!

Great job! Loved this chapter (I've always been a sucker for fillers and introductory chapters!) Thanks for another super awesome review swap! :D

-Curie :)

Author's Response: Hello! :)

I'm glad you like the name Tor! It's actually short for Astoria - people tend to get confused about that because she has two last names. :P Haha, that's a funny way of describing the name, I always thought of it being more stern and cold for some reason. You're right, she is a little cold here, but she does get better and more interesting when the drama and angst starts. :P But thank you for pointing that out. :)

Thanks, I'll think about the setting and description as well! :)

I'm glad you liked it - I'm really blergh about these early chapters, but I like to keep them up as a monument to how much my writing has changed. :P So it's really nice to know you actually liked it! :D Thanks so much for the review!


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Review #10, by shez 

10th January 2014:
So I can't tell you how excited I am about this story. You said you felt it was a bit filler, but I think it's a good idea you're introducing the main players. I love Tor already; she seems like an intelligent, realistic MC and I love her relationship with the boys. I like how you've humanized all our pseudo-villianous future death-eater Slytherin characters. Holy crap the flashback with her and her sister and father was spine-tingling, but I see the elements of doubt vs. expectation being planted. It's the very subtle incorporation of things that separate good stories from really great ones and you've got a keen eye for detail so I'm excited. I also like the run-in with Malfoy (stomping on Potter's face eh?) and your very last lines about the blood tracing from his robes to hers is subtle and profound and implies so many different things. Eek! I love it!


On a side note: I love the actress you've chosen to portray Tori. She's not overtly cutsey looking--she's a got tough-girl Slytherin edginess and I love that.

(Question: Is she Astoria aka girl Draco eventually marries in epologue? Because you said Yaxley but I think she was Greengrass, so I'm a little confused. Sorry if it's a stupid confused.)

Author's Response: Hello again!

Yay! I'm glad you liked it, and are still interested in reading on. I love Tor too- she's a lot of fun to write and I love hearing readers' opinions on her. Haha yes! The Slytherins aren't just good or evil, they have a lot of motivations and dimensions to them though they certainly have their wicked moments.

I'm glad you liked the flashback! Writing about Tor's father and her past are some of the most important and entertaining (well, for me :P) parts of the story. I'm so pleased you liked the hinting of how she will change throughout the story.

Haha yes, Malfoy pops in and out! I'm really happy you pointed out the line about the blood on his robes as it was my favourite part of this chapter and really sets the tone for their future interactions in a way. :)

I'm so glad you approve of her! I thought she felt right, she's pretty, but in an interesting way, and she does have that edge as you say. Plus, the TV show she's in is quite dramatic so there are plenty of angsty pictures of her! :P

Yes! You are right on both counts, it's a little confusing. Tor goes by her mother's last name at school but her father is Yaxley. It is explained a little in chapter 5 I believe :) Don't worry, it confuses everyone and sometimes me too!

Thanks for the lovely review! :D


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Review #11, by maraudertimes 

7th January 2014:
Back again!

So this is really cool! Tor seems a little apprehensive of the Death Eater lifestyle which is cool to see, and all her friends seem to mean a lot to her, although I sense she's not as prejudiced as some. I've never thought of Yaxley having a daughter, and I feel as though this is a really unique plot!

I wonder if this is set in Harry's sixth year? Seeing as Draco has blood on his shoes and robes? I'm also wondering how Draco will it in to this story, so Kudos! I'm intrigued!

I really think this is a really amazing plot and I would never have guessed that it was your first fanfic. It's really well written. Great job!

Author's Response: Hi again! :)

I'm glad you liked this chapter as well! Yes, Tor does have some doubts, and at this point she does well with not questioning things when it's to her disadvantage. She does care about her friends, and prejudice for her is more of an automatic reaction than something she truly believes in. I'm so glad you find it unique, yay! :)

Yes, it is set during DH. Tor is two years younger than Harry and co. Draco pops in and out, and becomes a little more significant as the story goes on.

Thanks so much for all the lovely compliments, and for leaving me two reviews! :) I really appreciate it!


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Review #12, by toomanycurls 

15th November 2013:
Hi!!! Doing a review tag. :D

You're setting a great background for Amaris and Tor (and the whole story). Hearing that they were planning/hoping for the rise of Slytherin. I'm sure many of them (or at least some) were less excited about how the war actually went.

I'm a bit curious as to why/how Tor is a natural Occlumens and Legilimens. Are you going to touch on that later? It's just a rare skill and it's not really presented as something people are just good at.

I do think you describe how terrified people would be of saying his name. It's never really made sense to me but their terror at his power is very well shown here.

The flashback is quite terrifying!! I'd have a hard time not dwelling on that if I were her. You give great insight to the horrible life the family of death eaters lived. I mean, even being on Voldemort's side didn't shield them from danger.

Theo and Pyxis sound almost nice - if they weren't set up to be death eater folks. I like the idea that all the pureblood kids played together as kids. I mean, the books allude to that anyway.

Ah, Draco's fall from glory. I do *kind of* feel bad for him knowing what a year he'll have.

I never thought about how HBP would be for Slytherin house. You do such an amazing job describing what a change of pace and power it was for them.

Ah! Creepy!! Did Malfoy just stomp Harry? I guess he would have. O.o

This is a great chapter! You're exposing me to a completely different side of HP. I mean, I haven't read a lot from Slytherin POV that wasn't excessively evil. Awesome work.

-Rose

Author's Response: Hi! :) Yay, you're back!

I'm glad you're continuing to like this story as I am so insecure about these early chapters and am always surprised when someone decides to keep reading after them. :P But I like keeping them up to show how much my writing style has changed since starting here. It's great that you like the evil and excitement coming through them.

Yeah, it becomes a useful plot device. :) When I started this story I didn't know about Mary-Sues and their special powers and so I just thought it would be a cool skill for her to have. It gets explained not so much as a natural talent, but an instinct for a controlled mind that she is taught to develop by her father, whose specialty is the Imperius curse and other nasty forms of mind arts. I think its Chapter...5, maybe? where she goes into depth a little more about it. :)

I'm glad you liked the terror around the name and the flashback! I agree, even if they don't necessarily realize it being in DE family is really scary and dangerous, and even they are frightened of Voldy.

I'm glad you like the Notts so far, and feel at least a little bad for Draco. He's quite nasty through most of this story but I feel for him a little too. I'm glad you like the alternative view on Slytherin and what they would have been experiencing at the time- it's a lot of fun to write. :)

Haha yes! The blood on the robes thing was a little gross, I know. Poor Harry :(

Thanks so much for this awesome review, I really appreciate it! :D


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Review #13, by Courtney Dark 

2nd November 2013:
TOR IS ASTORIA!!!

How has that only just clicked now? The moment you mentioned her sister Daphne I was like oh! Duh! I apologize (for some reason it took my about five attempts to spell that word - and in the end I had to use that spell-checkery thingie - sorry, not important! I'm waffling on about nothing again!) for my idioticness.

I enjoyed this chapter, although there were a few distracting typos, especially near the beginning, though those can be easily fixed:) I really, really love your characterization of the Slytherins. I haven't read that many fanfics from the point of view of Slytherins, but I think a trap many authors fall into is making their characters too nice. While I already like and feel connected to many of your characters, they definitely have an air of darkness about them - I especially like how we see Tor's thoughts about Voldemort, which are definitely more positive than someone from Gryffindor's might me.

I am so intrigued to find out what's going to happen next now, because in your summary you said that Tor is in love with a muggleborn, yet she ends up with Draco! Hmmm...I wonder how that comes about?

Anyway, this was a fun chapter, nice work!

Courtney:)

Author's Response: Yay, you came back! :)

Haha, don't worry, you're supposed to be surprised. :) I changed Astoria's story and parents and last name around a little for fun, and it tends to confuse people at first. :P I wanted to give her a character besides just being Draco's future wife so we get to know her on her own first... plus Astoria is kind of a mouthful! :P

I don't blame you, apologize is an awkward word (and I just spelt awkward and word wrong in first go...why?!)

I'm glad you liked the chapter and the Slytherins! I think you're right about how they're often portrayed as quite nice, and these ones, though they have their good moments, also have some real corruption and darkness in their characters. I love writing from Tor's POV, and especially when she's very brainwashed at the beginning of the story. It's entertaining to revisit it through reviews on the early chapters and remember how cold she was!

I'm glad you liked it and hopefully you'll make it back sometime soon! :) Thanks so much for this awesome review!


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Review #14, by MissesWeasley123 

24th September 2013:
*bangs head on keyboard*

Wow. I never knew my stupidity could ever be this great. The moment you said, Daphne reached over I was like, "Oh. Okay, Tor...Astoria, okay, cool." AND THEN IT WAS TOR YAXLEY AND NOW I FEEL STUPID FOR MAKING GUESSES.

And then I went through some of the reviews on this chapter and was happy that I was right anyway :D So now I feel smart again!

This chapter was great also. You certainly did make some familiar names crop up again and also tried to balance it out so you could support your own plot by adding in some OCs... which was interesting. I can't wait to see how they all play a part in this.

Draco. Draco Draco Malfoy... I feel like this is going to be one of those stories where I will hate him.It was heart breaking, reading that bit on poor Pyxis. UGH. She probably has the biggest crush on him.. *sigh*

I really liked the hints you were giving about Theo. I don't know whether I'm sensing friendship between him and Tor... or maybe something more. But seeing the summary it'd probably be wise for me not to think that...

I can't really offer a whole bit of CC, but, I felt this sentence a bit awkward. Don't change it if you don't want to do, I kind of did a little cringe at it.

She is referring to the return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. The Dark Lord. Lord... I dare not even think the name in case it draws his attention.

I found it weird because I felt like it was a bit unnatural for someone's thoughts to be phrased that way, if that makes sense to you. It sounded a bit, er - "old" for a lack of a better word, but that's just my two pennies :)

Also.. how on earth is this your first fanfiction? I refuse to believe it. LIES. Haha, but seriously, if this is your first time, I'm so jealous. I've read The Wandering One though and compared to that I can see your writing's also really improved.

Your descriptions continue to be out of this world, even if I've only reached the second chapter. They are so vivid!

Anyway - Tor's "hate" (if we could call it that) for Malfoy is very interesting, because we know she ends up with him... or will she? So many questions.

As a writer, I think you're doing fabulous! Your writing truly is clever! Next chapter here I come!

Author's Response: Hi again! :)

Haha! Honestly the whole Tor Yaxley thing has been confusing for everyone, it gets cleared up slightly in Chapter... 5, I think? I should probably figure out a way to make this chapter clearer. She is Astoria, she just goes by her mother's last name at school! :)

I'm glad you're liking the other characters so far, and well as for Draco he gets a bit better as the story goes on, though writing mean and obnoxious Malfoy is a lot of fun.
And yes, as I know you've realized, Pyxis is a boy, and definitely not pining over Malfoy! :P

Okay, I'll be sure to go back and have a look at that sentence! :)

Honestly these early chapters make me cringe a little, so I'm glad you think I've improved from that! I'm always relieved/surprised when people actually keep reading the story past these first few chapters, haha. So thanks for giving it a chance! :)

Thank you so much for reviewing! :D




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Review #15, by patronus_charm 

20th July 2013:
Hi there!

I had my suspicions that Tor was Astoria Greengrass and then I went and read through some of the reviews and I was glad I was proved correct. That sets up some really interesting dynamics because I never really imagined who her father could be but with it being a Death Eater it does make me wonder if that brings her and Draco together or not.

The flashback to when her father came home was really well done. I made a connection with him then and made me understand the family dynamic even more. Itís interesting that sheís still compassionate towards her father because in the prologue she seemed to detest the dark arts but I suppose blood is thicker than water and all that jazz.

I liked the inclusion of canon events such as the attempted break in at the Ministry and Malfoy having blood on his robes after attacking Harry. It made me able to place myself more easily and I felt more home which is important for a story set in Hogwarts years.

Iím really liking Tor too at the moment. I think it was just the little thing about her wanting to play quidditch which made me smile. It made her more human and a bit more of a rebel in my eyes because if I remember correctly the Slytherin quidditch team was the only one without a female.

Even though you threw in a lot of OCs into this chapter I actually wasnít fazed by them at all. I think you included the right amount of backstory and action so I feel as if I know a little bit about each one already. I liked the diversity among them too because it will make for a more interesting read. One thing which really stood out for me was that they seemed nice which was great because there is tendency to make them all evil when portraying a Slytherin.

I noticed a few minor typos such as here ĎAmaris and I have been best friends since we momentí because I think the we was meant to be a the but other than that it was a really excellent chapter!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hello again! :)

Yes, Tor is Astoria, but with a spin on her family name and nickname. I really wanted to use a somewhat canon character but have a lot of free reign to write her, and for some reason Astoria was the one who inspired me. I'm glad you're already wondering about Draco and how on earth they could ever get together this early in the story as well! :)

The family dynamics and Tor's relationship with her father and how much she idolizes him is very important to the story and an enjoyable aspect for me to write and imagine as well. Yaxley in my mind is such a complex character who, like so many of the DE, isn't exclusively good or evil, and I really enjoy writing him: the cameo in this chapter is only the beginning! :)

I'm glad you like the canon events and characters which help situate the story in the HBP canon. I think it's important as well, and even if Harry's world doesn't always intersect with Tor's I try to be constantly aware of it.

I'm glad you're enjoying Tor and her friends so far! :) They are so much fun to write even if there are a lot of OCs. They are all quite different and various of them become important and have their time in the spotlight throughout the story. And yes, they are nice enough, though they definitely have some of those typical Slytherin characteristics as well! :P

Thank you for another great review! :) You're just spoiling me with these long, thoughtful reviews, and I really appreciate it! :D


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Review #16, by marauderfan 

7th June 2013:
Review Tag! I had actually been planning to read this story anyway, so this gave me the perfect opportunity. Also, I was going to just read the first chapter for now but it was oh so suspenseful so I had to keep going. You started this off really well. The prologue definitely pulls the reader in - it was short, full of action and raises lots of questions. I liked it.

So this chapter: I like the way you've characterised the Slytherins. They're nice to each other and have all known each other from childhood, which is cool. You've created a nice feel of community. I like Tor as a narrator. I'm really interested to see the story unfold through her eyes, and how she transforms from the normal fourth year Slytherin to the rebel who's falling apart at the seams as she came across in the prologue. One thing I did wonder though - I'm assuming this is Astoria Greengrass, since you mentioned her sister is Daphne, so why does she say her last name is Yaxley?

That minor question aside, I really enjoyed this so far! You have the beginnings of a great story here. :)

Author's Response: Hello! :)

I'm so glad you liked the prologue, and it made you want to keep reading! :) That makes me very happy. I'm a little insecure about these early chapters, so recieving positive feedback is really lovely.

As for this chapter, I'm glad you're enjoying the Slytherins so far. I kind of threw in a lot of OCs at once, since we don't really know anything about the fourth years. I'm glad you enjoyed Tor as well, and yes, she certainly does go through great changes in perspective and action throughout the story! :) She's Astoria Greengrass, but her father is Yaxley: she just goes by her mother's name at school. I liked Yaxley a lot and wanted to integrate him, and this way she gets a different name than the traditional Astoria Greengrass, Draco's wife, since she's a lot more than that! It's explained a little better in upcoming chapters.

Thank you for this really lovely review, and hopefully you'll have a chance to come back at some point! :D


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Review #17, by ChaosWednesday 

2nd June 2013:
hey!

I found that this chapter sets the scene incredibly well, despite being,as you say yourself, a bit filler. I enjoyed the dark sense of unease and frustration underlying the pretense of beginning just another year at Hogwarts. If anything, this tone connects the prologue to the first chapter effortlessly, so you have nothing to worry about.

Another connection to the prologue that was kind of neat was Tor reaching out into the mind of her friend. These little gestures show a lot about her. She cares enough to not only pry in others' minds, but also to try and help them. But the rigid social norms surrounding her both at home and at school do not exactly permit openness and intimacy, and so it makes sense that she would be so secretive. It's a nice metaphor for the strong divide between the personal and the political that, I always found, defined the life of the pure-blood families.

At first, when I read this: " They say that the Dark Lord is the greatest Legilimens that history has ever seen, but I am a natural Occlumens and Legilimens. As long as I am alert, He will never penetrate my thoughts." I had to eye-roll a bit because, you know, Mary Sue trait number 1 is that she has unusual abilities that distinguish her from the start. But as I read on, I began to warm up to the idea of Tor being a master mind-reader. Instead of useing it as a plot device, you use it to characterize her, and that makes a world of difference!

This made me particularly happy: "I think back to those younger years, sneaking down to the common room at night to meet with the boys, our other friends, and planning the great new coming of this next generation, the triumphant of mighty Slytherin, and the new world order we would lead. The feeling of being the ULTIMATE generation about to take over the world is not something that is explored often, but I'm quite convinced that that is how it must have felt to live during the Hogwarts era. The world was clearly crumbling in front these kids' eyes. It makes sense that they would cling to some grand narrative about the future in order to give meaning to all of the loss and insecurities they encountered. I kind of try to bring in some of that in my story too, so that makes me like reading this all the more ;)

Basically, this chapter was great in that it had a consistent tone and managed to explore the tension of the social environment. I liked how you threw in a few details from the books to keep us oriented. And you didn't do any info-dumping, but chose the right moments to reveal new information. Not many have the patience for that, so good job!

If I could offer any CC, then it would be to watch out for some inconsistencies in Tor's ideas. On the one hand, she seems to be disgusted by many of the things her fellow Slytherins like, but on the other hand, she seems to still be following along with the Muggle hate and the unquestioning respect for the dark lord, etc. I see that she is conflicted, especially after what happened in the flashback about her father (which was pretty great by the way - only i'm not sure if it's the best idea to itallicize it?). But Maybe it would make sense to address the conflicting emotions directly - explore some of the new ideas she must have been having since the summer. After all, she gew up in a world with no dark lord. he was always just a shadow that hung over her family history. having him actually come back in the flesh must have been a terrible shock.

Oh, and I loved the scene where the Slytherins praise the dark lord and then break down in a laughing fit! it was a great moment of realism - they may be the offspring of some seriously scary people, but they are also still very young.

I'll leave it here for now, but do re-request if you want, I'll gladly read more :D

Author's Response: Hello again! :) Thanks for continuing onto the next chapter!

It's great to hear you liked this chapter, and thought it set the scene and maintained the pressure of the prologue. It's great you're liking Tor so far, and I agree about her Legilimency skill being a little Mary-Sue ish, but I try to make sure she doesn't rely on it too much and has to work a lot to actually do well. She's just perceptive and guarded, I think, and it's a fun quality to add to the plot of the story! :D

Ah, I'm glad you noticed how powerful they feel, or try to feel, in the crumbling world and society around them! While they have a lot of visions of grandeur, they are quite young and haven't really realized the implications of these things they're involved in. I love writing them as both these terrifying, disillusioned people, but also a little immature and silly at times. :)

Thank you for the very helpful CC, I shall make a note of it! :) I really appreciate all your feedback and input, as I only want to improve this story! Thank you for another wonderful and thoughtful review! :)


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Review #18, by s2rocks 

23rd May 2013:
Review Tag:

After the prologue, I think this is really good start. You have very nicely introduced everyone and it is really nice to know the point of view of those who actually followed Voldermort at Hogwarts, how they supported and respected him.

Amaris is ambitious and bragging type, and should I say opportunist too as she took the internship under Umbitch. the part shows that 'she gave me a position in her department. A small thing, mind you, seeing as Iím barely fifteen, but it was quite wonderful.'

I loved the flashback you showed, where her father warns the both sister about what would happen if they oppose Dark lord.

Also the legilimency part was good,
I have a question, wasn't Draco caption of Slytherin in sixth year because I remember he was?

I liked that she hated Malfoy while in the end she marries him, are you going to end them as togethor or not?

'I know my father would gladly sacrifice both Daphne and I as pawns for the Dark Lord, and we would take it with honour' this part showed that she actually wanted to follow him, it's really amazing how they are taught to respect and follow Dark Lord from the childhood and now you shown their views nicely.

Why she has used "Tor Yaxely" I am kind of confused?

I liked the carriage part where Malfoy and Astoria meet.

Overall, good job :D

-Shelly

Author's Response: Hi! Great to see you back!

I'm glad you liked this chapter as well, and that the differing points of view of the Slytherins are coming across. They're very different from Harry and the others, and are really fun to write! You're right, Amaris is definitely very smug! :)

I'm glad you liked the flashback as well! In this story I've made Yaxley as Tor's father, though she goes by her mother's name at Hogwarts. It's explained a little better in later chapters, but I'm considering clarifying a bit when I go back to edit this chapter.

I'm pretty sure in his sixth year Malfoy stopped playing Quidditch so he could work on his special DE task, but I could be wrong! If so, it works better with my story if he's off the team. :)

I'm glad you liked the scene with Malfoy. And as to whether they'll get together or not... you'll just have to keep reading and find out! :D

Thank you so much for the review! :)


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Review #19, by Calypso  

13th May 2013:
Review Tag!

A very intriguing beginning! It's so fascinating to read the Hogwarts era from the point of view of the "bad guys," so to speak, and you do a great job of making them into likable, even relatable characters. You really manage to capture a sense of community among the Pureblood characters, which I liked, as I imagine them to be quite a close-knit group.

There was this brilliant contrast between their everyday, teenage concerns- about Quidditch and missing their friends- and the concerns about the Dark Lord. It was pretty chilling to here all the Pureblood-superiority stuff coming from the mouths of fourteen-year-olds, but I guess they don't know any better...

One thing that confused me a little bit was why she's Tor Yaxley and not Tor Greengrass? Maybe you could explain that at some point? Tor is a great nickname for Astoria though, by the way!

Ooh and the bit at the end with Malfoy was spooky! I'm hoping that he's going to be part of this story, even though Tor doesn't seem to have a very high opinion of him! That last paragraph or so was beautifully written- you brought across the tension and uncomfortable-ness of the situation absolutely perfectly!

Another great chapter! Well done!

-Bethany

Author's Response: Hi! Nice to see you back!

I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far! It's really fun to write Hogwarts era, and both easier and challenging since JKR has already laid out the plot foundations and I've been trying to fit Tor's experiences around those events. It's great to hear you like the characterization so far, and that they're coming across as relatable and human.

I think it's chilling too! And they sort of think of the DE stuff with a certain amount of detachment, and yes have a contrast between their ordinary teen lives and pureblood ideals.

Yeah, I gave her Yaxley as a father, but she goes by her mother's last name. It's explained a bit better in the upcoming chapters, but I was worried that it was a little confusing and that I should clear it up here. So thanks for pointing that out!

Malfoy does have a big role in the story, though he's not really one of the main characters. I'm glad you liked his appearance, and he does grow on her! :)

Thank you so much for this lovely review!!! :)


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Review #20, by Illuminate 

12th May 2013:
Hi! Review Tag!

As first chapters go, this is pretty good! I think you did a good job of introducing the group of characters, though I personally would have preferred it having been drawn out a little longer, over more chapters. Although, since they're all obviously going to see each other on the Express there's no way to do that xD I'm looking forward to learning more about them over the coming chapters.

So these characters are a couple of years younger than Harry/Draco etc? Interesting. Also, is she Astoria Greengrass? I didn't cotton onto that until seeing that her sisters' name is Daphne, cause I thought that her surname was Yaxley xD Good twisteroony. Interesting about how much she detests Draco, considering that she will marry him eventually.

I've never seen Legilimency used in a story before! I think it's a really useful skill for a character to have, and an interesting new format to introduce.

I also like the whole evil-ness of the characters. They're very definetely Slytherin, and I like how those views are just a part of them, not something alien.

Overall, great job! :)

Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you thought it was alright as a first chapter, I'm pretty insecure about these early ones! :) Hmm, I do agree, it might have been throwing too many characters into the pot at once.

Yes, the characters are two years younger. I played around with the family dynamics a little: their father is Yaxley but they go by their mother's last name at school, which is explained a little better in later chapters. I wanted to give Astoria a different identity than being Draco's wife, and really wanted her to have Yaxley as a father because he's a very interesting character! :)

I'm glad you liked the use of Legilimency! I thought it was an interesting skill as well, and have enjoyed playing around with it.

Thank you for this great review!! :D


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Review #21, by DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend 

10th May 2013:
I had your story on my to do list already. Unfortunately I hadn't gotten around to it. But luckily, my requests always go before other reading, so here I am at last. There does seem to be a lack of spaces here...but that's such a minor thing in a good chapter, just thought I'd mention it.

I love how they sounded so confident with their thoughts of the next generation. It's realistic, I think, at that age you think you can change the world once you are done with school. You feel you can do better than your parents. And then you grow up and realise nothing happens without sacrifice.

I like how her father came to warn them about what happens when you anger the dark lord. It sets the tone again. It reminds you that in fact her family is quite dark. And the fear those girls have is realistic as well. What teenager wouldn't be scared. Especially if you saw your father as this strong persona and then she him beaten down.

I'm not sure her friend knows, since she is having a lot of thoughts but does not speak them... Yet Amaris doesn't seem to mind that darker side of life. I feel like Tor is more conflicted about her place in the world. Although she still tries to be all dark and confident about her place in the war.

She has a nice set of friends there. I like how you used known and unknown names together. And that you made Tor younger than Harry and Draco. It gives you more freedom in the story I think, because we know next to nothing of that year. And you still keep track of all that has happened in the books. Showing how the death-eater families were left to wonder or grief as their loved ones would or would not return.

You give the dark side a human voice with this story and I like it. They aren't mere monsters. There are human, with families and lives before the war. And a sinister view on life of course.
And Yaxley is her father? I like that, it makes it easier to see how they would have been raised and how they view Voldemort.

I am very curious to the road she will take. This chapter only made me more intrigued. Having her as a narrator works well.

Another good chapter :D

Two typo's: When you speak of the picture Amaris took with Umbridge: "flanked my Amaris." I think that should read 'by'.
And near the end the carriage move into the light - moves.

Author's Response: Hello! Great to see you back!

I definitely agree with how the kids think of themselves. They want power, but don't really understand what power means and what must be given up in order to achieve it. The characters are very strong but very naive at the same time, at least that's how I wanted them to come across.

It's good to hear that you liked the flashback about her father's warning, and noticed how frightening it was for them to see their strong father acting human and defeated. It's definitely a hard thing for Astoria and Daphne as well since they really idolize their father and want to be like him.

Yes, Tor is definitely conflicted! In these early chapters she is putting up a certain front and hiding her fear, whereas Amaris is a little more removed and sees the excitement in things.

I'm glad that you like her friend group so far, and hopefully it wasn't too confusing with all the new characters! I tried to do my best and fit them into the wizarding world as we know it. And yes, it definitely gives me more freedom! I'm going to try and fit the story into canon as smoothly as possible. :)

Also, I'm glad that you liked Yaxley as her father, and the darkness and humanity that kind of intersect in the story. It's very fun to write about!

I'll be going back and fixing those typos and the spacing. Thank you!! :) And thank you for this thoughtful and helpful review!! :D


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Review #22, by nott theodore 

8th May 2013:
As a first chapter, this provides quite a contrast to the prologue of the story. By the dates, I'm guessing that we're going back in time from the event we first witnessed and we're going to see Astoria's journey to that point.

You're right that there isn't as much action in this chapter, but I don't think that detracts at all because it emphasises the differences between the future Tor and the present Tor even more. At this point she seems to be an average teenage girl and I'm intrigued to see what happens to cause such drastic change in her character and her life.

You built Tor's character really well here. As a narrator she has a definite, consistent voice which is still recognisable as the person narrating the prologue. The details about her friends, the way that she used to sneak down to the common room to talk to the boys, and the slight crush she seems to have on Theo all add to the impression that she's an ordinary teenager. She must be an extremely talented and intelligent witch, though, if she's already able to perform Occlumency and Leglimency!

One thing I loved was the reverence with which Voldemort's name was spoken and even thought of by the young Slytherins. I really get the impression that they have been brought up to respect Voldemort as a sort of god - the way Tor thinks of him as 'He' is a very clever detail.

So, Yaxley is Astoria's father? I haven't seen that done before but it would make sense with her upbringing which has evidently encouraged pureblood supremacy and maybe dark magic. Does this mean that Tor and Daphne use their mother's surname?

I enjoyed Draco's appearance at the end of this chapter. It's quite amusing to think that the pair ended up married when she has an obvious distaste for him at times. It really highlights how much they both will change in the future.

I think it might improve your presentation if you add spacing between your paragraphs, but other than that I enjoyed it, and I look forward to the rest of the story!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Hola! Yes, you are spot-on, it pretty much jumps a year and a half back in time! I'm so glad you compared it to a journey and pointed out the contrasts in Astoria's character between the prologue and this chapter.

I'm glad that you like Astoria as a narrator and a character so far! She's really fun to write, and I think she's developed along with my writing style through the course of the story. And you're right, she is just an ordinary girl who happens to have been raised with certain beliefs and been brainwashed, for lack of a better word, into thinking a certain way.

Ah yes, self-control of her mind is her natural talent, I suppose. It's more that she's just naturally really perceptive and can control her own thoughts well. Otherwise, she's pretty average, and I think that Occlumency would be beyond her at least for a few years. :P

Good to hear that their reverence of Voldy is coming across! That's exactly right, for them he's a sort of ideal and leader, even though most of them will have never encountered him or really know what it means to be a Death Eater. It's been really exciting playing around with this idea in the story! :)

Yeah, I switched their family situation around a little. The idea is that Yaxley is their dad, but they go by their mother's name to kind of fly under the radar and in case Yaxley ever gets exposed as a DE. It's a little confusing, I just loved the idea of Yaxley and thought he'd make an interesting dad for Tor, but I'm planning on going back to these early chapters and making it a bit clearer.

Haha, yay I'm glad you liked Draco's appearance! He's still in his arrogant ferret phase so really fun to write.

Ah, I'll definitely have to go back and fix the spacing! It really does not want to cooperate!! :P

Thank you for such a thoughtful and helpful review, I really appreciate it!!! :D


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Review #23, by Broken Butterfly 

7th May 2013:
I really, really am enjoying this. It is written really well. I don't feel like this was a filler chapter at all. the characterzation of Tor is as I would imagine her to be, Proud, yet not too arogant, suspisious but not afraid, and a follower not a leader. This is great work.

Author's Response: Hi! Lovely to see you back! I'm really happy that you're enjoying the story and liked this chapter, it's very reassuring to me! :) It's also lovely to hear that Tor's personality is coming across well, and how you described her is exactly how she starts out! She does develop a lot throughout the story, which is one of the best things about writing a story of this length.

Thank you so much for this great review! :)


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Review #24, by HandofGlory 

23rd April 2013:
Ah, so you are Astoria Greengrass. Was her father a Death Eater? I guess it never said yes or no in the books.

It's an ok chapter. It doesn't seem that this chapter had a lot of the main plot in it, just Astoria talking about Summer and meeting her friends at the train. Although Draco getting blood on her leads me to wonder if Astoria will get curious about what is going on.

More suspense!

Author's Response: Hello again!

Yes, it is Astoria, and for the purposes of this story her father was the Death Eater Yaxley, though she goes by her mother's last name. Confusing, I know :P

Ah, I totally agree about the suspense or lack thereof. I had a lot of trouble figuring out how to set up the context and continue the tension of the prologue, since this chapter pretty much jumps back in time by a year and a half. The excitement picks up more in the later chapters I think, which is something I'll be working on.

Thank you for your review :)


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Review #25, by DancingMooncalf 

13th April 2013:
Hey,

It's a great start. After the prologue I couldn't wait for the story and see what you made of it. You did not dissapoint me. I'm very impressed at how natural you wirte the Slytherins. I had grown used to the fact that most people portait Slytherins as evil, which in not the case in your story at all. They grew up to believe different things, that's clear in the chapter.

You build up a lot of tension in the prologue that makes me want to keep on reading now to see where this is going. That chapter introduses us to the characters and toughts that are going to have their place through the story I guess. But still the tension from the prologue is lingering. That makes me super-curious and impatient to read more.

I think you wrote it really well. You didn't give away to much and still gave out some important information for the readers to know.
Well done!

Maya

Author's Response: Hello! I'm very glad to hear that you enjoyed the first chapter-I worried that it might be a little tame after the tension of the prologue. I hoped to demonstrate how the Slytherins are not naturally evil people, they've just been brought up with certain behaviours and ideals, which I try to challenge throughout the story.

It's great to hear as well that the tension from the prologue carries on! And I guess if you want to read on that is a good thing! I was worried about the first few chapters so getting this strong feedback is amazing. Thank you so much for reviewing, and I hope you don't mind that I'll be re-requesting! :)


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