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48 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TheMaraudersBabe 

18th July 2014:
I thought that you did a good job of writing Dumbledore! I don't know why you worried. I usually very much enjoy reading your chapters [even though it's been a while for me]. xo.

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Review #2, by The most music genre-ly confused teenage girl ever 

28th August 2013:
You did Dumbles fine gurrl don't you worry. And WHAT HAPPENED AT LILY'S HOUSE BETWEEN SIRI AND LILS?!?!?! TELL MEH!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this awesomely enthusiastic review!!

♥ Jami


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Review #3, by MissesWeasley123 

13th August 2013:
Hey,

Is it just me, or do these chapters just get better and better?! Who knew someone besides Jo could write Bellatrix - who indeed is very hard to write - perfectly. It was spot on! I think you captured her fear and passion for Voldemort perfectly, and it was captivating. When I'm reading again, I just want to get in there and Avada Kedavra her face off because her dedication and er - love for the dark arts and Voldy is so aggravating. Eurgh.

Dobby! Oh good lord, he's so well written, that poor elf! My inner Hermione kicked in when Bellatrix dropped her coat on him. I was about to go all S.P.E.W. on her...

The description during the Death Eater's meeting was sheer beautiful in a dark, angst filled way. It's really hard to pull that off. And I have a shrewd idea on who this Rukin guy is... It's that kid from Durmstrang. I shudder just thinking about what's going to happen to Lily, if she falls for his tricks. I think there's going to be jealousy involved through James' part.

Sirius! Oh god! I need to gush about him in every review! He's so DREAMY! **fangirls all over the place** I didn't mention it before, I think, but the password to get into the HB and HG dorm is sheer brilliance. I love Sirius' quick witted attitude, and I like how brotherly he is to Lily. And when he told James that he was his brother, not Regulus... *dies*.

You wrote Dumbledore thoroughly well! "It's a marvelous thing, you know, finding beauty where destruction has touched." That is the most Dumbledoreish thing I have ever read that wasn't in the books.

And McGonagall, "You aren't the only one who can do a bit of match making every now and then." She's so awesome. So awesome.

All in all, this chapter was where I think I could tell it's getting pretty intense. The Death Eaters are working hard to get into Hogwarts, and Lily and Sirius have a secret... I wonder what it is. I infer that it may be something do with her parents being killed by Death Eaters... But anything's possible really. Really good chapter Jami!

Nadia :)

Author's Response: Hi darling! I'm so sorry that this review response has taken so long! But I know I told you my spiel about being on vacation. So yeah, that's why :P

Awww haha you're so sweet! I hope the chapters keep getting better! I really, really want to always keep improving, so if you're ever noticing a chapter not seeming up to par with the rest, please tell me!!!

Hahaha well, you can go SPEW on Bellatrix, but i can't see you living through it :P!!

Ohh! I wish I could tell you if your idea is right, but then I'd spoil it! I'm the queen of spoiling surprises :P!

Yeah, I think I might have a bit of a crush on Sirius as well, hahaha. I'm SO excited you like Sirius so far!! I hope you keep liking him and the rest of the characters. I want their relationships with each other to feel as realistic to everyone else as they do in my own head.

Ahhh Dumbledore is SO SCARY for me. I'm getting a tiny bit more comfortable, you know, after 39 chapters. But he still takes longer to write than any other character. I'm really excited that he's feeling Dumbledore-ish to you!

Thank you SO MUCH for another amazing review, Nadia ♥ I've been so excited to get some time to come answer it. I didn't think I'd be this busy considering it's vacation, but I'm just trying to soak up every bit of family time I can.

Thank you again!! ♥


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Review #4, by BluebirdBrigade 

18th July 2013:
Aww no! I'm really annoyed at Voldermort, why does he have to go after James and Lily? WHAT DID THEY EVER DO? I mean sure, they're against his plans and all and they thwart his hogwarts-y deatheaters but...he's being a poo. Bellatrix is such a suck up isn't she? I really liked how you wrote her, most make her a complete maniac but I personally see her as a puppy that is constantly craving it's masters attention...an evil puppy. Lily is very sneaky - and I completely love it. I love the way you show James is just totally besotted with Lily in so many ways. I mean, he notices everything about her, from the way she looks amused that no one has guessed the she actually did experience the affects of her drinking, it's just written so perfectly. I love the structure of it too - It's not just completely around James and Lily's romance but the death eaters and the war. I never ever see any mistakes - grammar or spelling - it is literally written like a book you could buy at waterstones. Totally fantastic Jami!

Author's Response: I'm a bit annoyed at JKR for stating that they first defied Voldemort before they were out of Hogwarts. I mean, getting a manic interested in them is pretty challenging. I've finally decided to go with him wanting James because of his ability to get a group to follow him, then we'll get him interested in Lily though that. He's totally a poo. Voldemort, not James :P

I think writing the story going between perspectives is what keeps me from getting too drowned in lily and James cuteness, ahah!

Aww Maz what am I supposed to say to such sweet compliments?? You're really making me way too happy over here, missy!


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Review #5, by Erised 

16th July 2013:
Ugh, the part at Malfoy Manor was just done so well and was so creepy. Your descriptions were excellent and I loved how well you wrote Bellatrix as a character - she was definitely crazy and her identity was so strong as a character! Loved it. Voldemort was also so well done with his brusque and superior tone, and his complete detachment to everything and everyone no matter how hard Bellatrix tries.

Yay for no hangovers! :P it seems that the storyline is getting a little darker once more, what with Bellatrix getting in undetected. I'm interested to find out how she did it. And Sirius has some information about Lily's parents' death? Hmm...

Ha, the 'date' with Lily and Alrek seemed so awkward! She so isn't into him though, thank goodness. He reminds me a little of Cormac McLaggen but a little less big headed! Hopefully he won't get in the way of Lily and James much more but I expect he might...

Author's Response: Ahhh I'm so happy you liked the part at hte Malfoy Manor! This is the first chapter of the story that I really like. I think it brings something new to the tired tale of the Marauders, so I hope you thought so as well!

Alrek will definitely create some difficulties for Lily later on, but maybe not for the reasons that it first seems ;).

Voldemort is such a challenge for me to write -- he and Dumbledore are nightmares -- so I'm really thrilled you thought he seemed well done! I definitely liked writing Bellatrix more than him, but usually one doesn't come without the other :P.

Thank you again for another really incredible review! Your feedback is such an awesome treat, and I feel so spoiled getting to answer all these!

♥ Jami


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Review #6, by TheHeirOfSlytherin 

30th June 2013:
Hey, Jami!!!

Bellatrix - terrifying in every situation you put her in. Even when she's not doing anything, just sitting there. Even when she's scared, I'm a little scared! I love it! :D She just has this... way about her. You write her really well!

The entire scene from her PoV, feeling her fear over her failure, had me on the edge of my seat, wondering what Voldemort would do. And it's to persuade James?! She can stay away from him! *hugs him close*

If I was a character in this, I couldn't get out of that room fast enough. Voldemort is every bit the monster we see in HP, I want to hate him and be scared of him at the same time. Though if he hurts Reggie, I'll... *shakes fist* (So, I love James and I love Reggie and I love Remus... and they all have one thing in common... ;().

The way Voldemort gives warnings, with the burns, that's something I've never considered before. It's a really great idea, a perfect way of getting followers to stay in line!

I don't think I've ever read Bellatrix actually sobbing before - finally, human emotion! :P Her reaction, her loyalty, to Voldemort was just brilliant. Seriously, I could just see it happening. That was awesome!

I love Sirius and, way back when he was their friend, Peter. They're just so sweet, getting things for Lily and Sirius being concerned for Peter and his parents... And the way you described Sirius in that opening paragraph definitely made me swoon. ;)

How can anyone not get a hangover after what she did? Lily Evans - super drinker! :P

I will always love the relationship between James and Sirius, they're definitely as close as brothers and I love that they consider themselves brothers. But... "No. Youíre my brother.Ē - Oh Reggie... I so do not have a tear in my eye... *wipes it away quickly*

He just has such a sad story, not as sad as Remus', but it's got to be up there - to be sucked then, then try to get out and no one knows he dies trying to do good until, like, 18 years later. I hate that I know he takes the Mark, Sirius should have dragged him, kicking and screaming if he had to. *nods* :P

The only think I can say about Alrek is that I look forward to reading more of him. I want to know more before I decide if I like him or not, though I hope I like him. I just get suspicious of everyone in Marauder Era... :P

Oh, no! The Severus memory. ;( I just want to shake my head in disappointment every time I think of it.

Oh, so she's not immune! I'm both glad and disappointed. I may have to take her title away. ;)

McGonagall, match-making? Interesting... :P

I loved Albus' words about finding beauty in destruction - to fall in love, get married, have a baby and live a life together, however brief, while in war? They certainly do as he says now.

And, yes, Prospects is a very creative, very awesome term. :D

Amazing chapter, Jami! :D

Sam.

Author's Response: Hi lovely Sam ♥

I'm so happy you like Bellatrix! And thank you so much for the compliments ♥

Thanks for the review!
Jami

JUST JOKING. Haha! Sorry, it's midnight.

Yes! Hug James tightly! Keep Bellatrix away from him -- you just try-- mwahah.

Voldemort is still really challenging to me, so I'm super excited that you liked him. Well, as much as you can. HAHA. I know, the poor boys ;(

Yay! Sirius made you swoon! I feel like he should be able to do that to anyone, but I guess not everyone loves the bad boy with a heart of gold as much as we do ;).

It's hard for me to really decide who I think has the most sad story. Regulus and James and Lily are almost lucky, because they all died too young to really see everything fall apart. Sirius had to spend most of his life in prison for two murders he would have done anything to save, most likely blaming himself anyway for suggesting Peter. Then Remus finally gets happiness and that all is ripped away... ugh. It's all too sad :(

Alrek is a very important character in this. Keep your eye on him ;)

Hahah nope, I couldn't let Lily get away with her consumption without a nice, awful head ache. She has to learn her lesson somehow ;).

I'm so excited you liked this chapter, and can't tell you how much I love your reviews ♥ they're such an awesome treat!

Thank you!! ♥


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Review #7, by nott theodore 

9th June 2013:
Wow - I think this has to be my favourite chapter so far, Jami. There's just so much in it and I'm so impressed that in five chapters you've already managed to create such a complex and intriguing plot!

So, the first part...I can definitely understand why I've heard so many brilliant things about your Bellatrix! I've been so excited to see her in this story and I know there will be a lot more of her (or I hope) to read. She's just perfect (in a horrible, crazy way). Your characterisation of her is spot on from canon, the way she wants nothing more than to please Voldemort and do his bidding - is even willing to suffer the Cruciatus Curse for her mistakes - it's just fantastic! I know I should be able to put this more articulately, but I'm struggling...even the way you capitalise 'Him' and 'He' to illustrate the reverence she treats him with, worshipping him like a God. I love it!

Voldemort's speech is great as well - he talks in this exactly as he does in the books. That seems like something so hard to get right and you've written it so well.

And you managed to fool me with the last chapter! (Maybe it was just me being dense...) For some reason I didn't think about it being James they wanted to convert, but from what we know from canon, of how Voldemort tried to convert them, it makes perfect sense. I didn't entirely trust Alrek in the last chapter, but now I don't at all, since I harbour strong suspicions that he's the new Death Eater - although Lily and James don't know that!

It's lovely seeing a sweeter, softer side to Sirius, because not many stories show that. But when he asks about Peter, with genuine care, it's great to see - also because with that we learn more about Peter's background, and you're adding some real depth to his character. Also the friendship between Sirius and Lily is adorable! I love seeing Lily being friends with all the Marauders, and not just James or Remus. I'm so curious about the secret those two are hiding from James - I hope we find out about it soon!

The part when he found out about Regulus becoming a Death Eater was so sad! I felt really bad about him, but when he says that James is his brother it was so sweet! And very true as well!

James is maturing too, like when he tells Sirius not to follow Lily to see what she's doing with Alrek. He's also realised the problems that Lily faces in beginning a relationship with him, and it's good that he can now acknowledge that (of course, there was never going to be any question of him sticking around, was there?).

Haha I love Lily in this chapter! Pretending that she's not hungover just to rub it in the boys faces - what a girl!

I thought you got Dumbledore across really well here. This line in particular "It's a marvelous thing, you know, finding beauty where destruction has touched." sounds so Dumbledoreish (yes, that is a word :P) to me.

Another fantastic chapter - I really am starting to love this story!

Sian :)

Author's Response: This chapter, I think, is when I really decided I wanted to make this story my own and make it what I think their 7th year was like, both the students and the developments of the war. I always felt like it's the one that sort of gets the story going, so I'm really happy you feel that way too ♥

Awww hahah!!! Bellatrix is an addiction, I swear. And yes, she ends up being in here pretty often. Enough to make you scared for the group, at least ;). I'm so excited you though her and Voldemort were written to fit canon here. Voldemort is still really difficult for me. Him and Dumbledore... I don't know if I've ever talked about my Bellatrix head canon/trick to writing her, but if I haven't you should totally PM me.

I think I actually originally intended it to be Peter, but then my Peter head canon changed and James felt more realistic for where I decided to go with it. i fooled both of us :P!

You, m'dear, are insanely perceptive. I'm afraid to even say anything now without giving things away, haha!!!

I'm so exciting you liked the friendships between the boys and Lily! The secret come out in chapter 8, and I can assure you it's nothing romantic ;).

I wish I could just send you my face right now so you could see how much these reviews have made me smile. I know jumping into such a long story isn't anything easy, and I sort of think you're crazy for trying, but I'm still so insanely exciting that you like what you've read so far ♥

Thank you so much Sian for all the lovely compliments and just making my day!





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Review #8, by Courtney Dark 

21st April 2013:
Oooh, this chapter was quite different to your other chapter so far, as we got to see into the mind of a young Bellatrix, which I loved! Your characterization of her was amazing - like, it was seriously spot on. Her whole world seems to revolve around Voldemort, just like her older self, and she would obviously do anything for him. You can definitely see the beginnings of a mad woman here.

I also loved how you wrote that scene with the Death Eaters - I don't think I've ever read anything like that before, a gathering of the earlier Death Eaters, so that was actually really fun to read.

I loved both Lily and Sirius in this chapter, and I felt so bad for Sirius when James told him about Regulus! And the addition of Lily pretending not to have a hangover was a great touch. I am also super curious to find out more about what happened with Sirius and Lily on the night of Lily's parents death. Hmm, I'm definitely going to have to read the next chapter now...

Courtney:)

Author's Response: I LOVE writing Bellatrix. I never thought I would, and just to warn you she gets creepier and creepier throughout the story, haha!

I'm so happy you liked the DE scene! One of those will come into play most often when something they're planning is going to influence any of our group ;).

Thank you so much for all your sweet compliments about this chapter!! ♥

Jami


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Review #9, by TheHouseElf 

23rd March 2013:
Hey Jami! back again :D

Omg, I love your Bellatrix. She's a woman who's sole purpose on this earth is to please her insane master, which makes her a much more volatile character, I love it :P The desperation that seeps into her voice and actions when Voldemort threatens to take away her mark, oh lord help whoever he pits against her...

I also love the relationship developing between Sirius and Lily. Clearly something happened (something that's going to be addressed in the upcoming chapters? Hmn?) on the night that Lily's parents died, something that drew them closer together. This is apparent in the part where Sirius is taking food for Lily which I found incredibly sweet :D

I also liked how you're showing James mature, evident when he decides not to follow Alrek and Lily around ;) It's quite sad that the transfer isn't accepted straight away, but they're the marauders, they're so tight knit it's going to be hard for them to adjust to a new dorm mate.

But the thing I loved the most was your characterisation of Dumbledore, you have him down to a tee that it's hard to not think of what you're writing as something that JK wrote. Love it :D

Author's Response: Hiii! You're back you're back! I'm so sorry I again I wasn't able to leave another review today :(. I just wouldn't be able to focus the way I want to with all this family around making me crazy. Give me my apartment back! Eh hem. Sorry about that :P

Yes yes! What happened the night of Lily's parents' death and how Sirius is involved will absolutely be addressed. Dun dun dunn.

I thought it was fun trying to get James to resist following the group, too! They wouldn't accept someone new right away, silly Marauders! Though maybe there's more to him than meets the eye ;)

I'm so happy you like Dumbledore! Your compliments have just turned me to mush ♥ I don't even know how I'm able to type!

Thank you so much ♥


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Review #10, by megthechef43 

21st March 2013:
Jami,

Hello again. Another great chapter!! I think Bella was good in this chapter. She was mean and retched but it also showed that she is loyal to the Dark Lord and that the only think she wants is his praise. I can imagine the torture she was going through to bring nothing to her master.

Again in this chapter you showed the awesome bond that the Marauders had. It really helped me understand your point of view on Peter when I listened to your podcast "Casualities of War" it showed some insight to how you can write Peter before he betrayed his friends.

Lily cracks me up in this chapter when she hides her hangover. I love it! Hmm... I wonder what the truth is about the night that Lily's parents died. A little mystery.

I'm not sure about Alrek yet. I'll just have to read on to get a better feel of him.

Meg

Author's Response: Hi Meg!

I really enjoy writing Bella. She crops up in this pretty often, and it's always quite the experience when she does, haha!

I loved Lily hiding the hang over too! Just a bit sneaky, but totally worth not having to admit it :P

Alrek is definitely a character to keep your eye on :P

Thank you so much for the lovely review!


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Review #11, by patronus_charm 

26th February 2013:
Hi Jami!

Ah Bellatrix is here! This may sound weird, considering sheís really evil and all, but I love Bellatrix as a character, as sheís just so fascinating, the way she can be so evil, and apparently not have any remorse about it, and her devotion to the Dark Lord. So I was super excited to see her pop up here, and Dobbyís appearance, was another reason to be excited :D

Iíve never seen a Jilly story, which focuses on the Death Eaters and Voldemort as well, so I was again excited to see it here, as it was a really good idea, and it allowed you to see both perspectives of the war. I liked the idea of the original four, and them being united, as I find the whole Death Eater society and circles really cool as well.

You wrote all of their devotion to the Dark Lord very well, and the idea of them having strikes was really cool, as it does seem like something Voldemort would do. I was sad to see that Regulus was a death eater already, as his life saddens me as he died so young, and was confused throughout, so I hope we get to see more of him in the rest of the story.

It was nice to see a more sensitive side to Sirius here. It made me all warm and fuzzy inside to see that he cared about Peter, and was asking about his parents. The reason why I loved it, is because I hate to see when Sirius is made out to be mean and play boy like, yet he doesnít seem like that in this story, and Peter seems to be of equal standing to his friends, and Sirius values him.

You canít leave me on a cliff-hanger like that! I really want to know what Sirius was going to say about Lily, almost as much as James wants to know! I guess Iíll have to read on and find out! By the way I loved the brief mention of Sirius having jam on his mouth that was so cute!

Alrekís intriguing me, so I was rather annoyed when Sirius had to come along, and but in on their conversation. I really canít wait to find out more about him, and more about Lilyís feelings for him. She better not be starting to like him, itís all about Jilly, not Alilly, or Jrek!

I loved that Dumbledore and Minerva scene at the end. Those two are just awesome, and if Dumbledore wasnít gay, I would totally ship them!

Another awesome chapter, and I canít wait to see what Lilyís secret is:D

-Kiana!

P.S. Even though you said I could just leave a line as a review, Iím incapable of doing that, as I just feel the need to comment on everything, so I think the long reviews are staying!

Author's Response: Yay Kiana!!!

I love Bellatrix as a character as well, so I totally understand. She does end up popping up quite a bit more in this story, and each time I remember just how much fun she is to write.

I'm so happy you liked the look into the DE world! I have a bit pet peeve when things are shown to be dandy and good through their 7th year, because if things weren't getting worse and worse they'd never all have joined the Order. So showing the DE side, and that while these young kids are just going to school and trying to get by, others are plotting and planning terrible things, is a lot of fun for me.

We don't see a TON of Regulus, but we do see him again a few more times and get into his head a bit :).

I agree about Sirius being characterized a a mean play boy, and I get super sad when Peter is left out. So you can be assured neither of those things happen in this ;). It doesn't make sense for me that Peter would be a womanizer. After being taken in by James's family and given so much love and attention, and seeing how much he is cared about, I can't ever imagine wanting him to let them down by doing things like treating people terribly. I'm sure he was a flirt, but I don't think he was much more than talk ;)

Ahh Sirius and Lily's secret! Because I've had a few people guess this, I'll tell you out front, it's nothing romantic ;).

Alrek does become a very important part of this story, but not so much to make James jealous. He has a whole different purpose. Mwahah (insert evil laugh here).

I would TOTALLY ship those two as well if Dumbledore wasn't gay! I partially want to ship them anyway :P hahaha!

I'm so happy you like this chapter, and can't wait to see what you think of the next! It's a much more fuzzy chapter, and even has a bit of warm Jily feels :wub face:

Thank you so much again for stopping by, Kiana! ♥


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Review #12, by WeasleyTwins 

10th February 2013:
Hi darling! It's been ages since I've read and I figured I would pop and give a quick review. I'm afraid that my review isn't going to do your wonderful story justice.

I am LOVING the insights from the Death Eaters and that front in the war. It's wonderful. It definitely amplified the dark undertones that pervade the story. Your characterizations of Voldemort, Lucius, and Bellatrix (especially, Bella) were outstanding. We see quite a bit of them in the series and thus keeping to canon is so difficult, but you mastered it with ease. I'd have to say that this chapter is my absolute favorite thus far. I know it's only chapter five, but there's so much going on! So many secrets! I'm just going to end up fangirling over the entire novel and never giving any decent comments or advice!

Now, those last two sections! I want to know that secret that Lily and Sirius are keeping! It might actually be killing me, the not-knowing! Jami, with each chapter I see your weakness strengthen and your strengths hit their pinnacle. The characterizations are top-notch; the mixture of description and dialogue has settled into this lovely, natural flow. It's just an all-around winning story. Winning.

And the part with Minerva and Albus? To. Die. For. I adore the two of them and you did them perfectly. Their dialogue was probably some of the best I've read in fanfiction. So stately. I love that Albus appreciates the Marauders' name for the future Death Eaters. You almost foreshadow (even though we already know) his propensity to delight in learning, growth, and ingenuity in young adults.

I just love it, darling. I wish I had a better review for you! (I'm sorry it is so short, but I must get back to planning my lessons for this week!)

Author's Response: You have no idea how excited I was to see your name here!

The Death Eaters sections are some of my favorite!! They come in about every four chapters or so, mainly whenever what they're doing relates to my characters/Hogwarts.

I'm so happy you liked Bellatrix. I've actually really fallen in love with writing her through this, and will hopefully do at least a one shot eventually.

This chapter is where I think the story starts picking up. It felt like, after this, I started getting more into my 'niche' so I hope you'll kind of feel like they get smoother and more polished from here on out.

Ablus is terrifying. Minerva and I are starting to bond, but that old man and his twinkly eyes... plus I'm also trying to make him slightly different than the one we know. I really believe that he treated Harry with kid gloves for so long, because he didn't do that with his parents. James and Lily entered into a war too early, and it killed them. Dumbledore had to have cared quite a lot about them, so I think that he sort of regretted treating them like such adults, and went to opposite way with Harry.

Of course that's all just head canon :P

A better review?! Yeah right, this was amazing, Shelby. Thank you so much for taking the time to stop back by here ♥ it made my week ♥


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Review #13, by ValWitch21 

6th February 2013:
The quote about James, not Regulus, being Sirius' brother reminded me of, guess what? Athene's Skywards Sirius, where William tells him the exact same thing, and I had a complete half-cry, half-laugh, half-dying parrot noise moment.

Your Bellatrix is just so creepy, and her veneration for Voldemort, and capitalising him -- I could hear her in my head, and that is not a pleasant experience, okay?

Hahaha, Sirius and McGonagall's interactions are the best part of Marauder-era fics when they're well written, and you've wonderfully managed this too...

Congratulations on yet another great chapter!

Author's Response: Awww Skyward was so awesome, wasn't it?! Sarah made me ball my eyes out with that thing. She knows all my feelings and thoughts about these guys, and I love that she kept them what they are in my head. Sirius is easily my favorite character in the series, and I always adore anything that revolves around him.

Hahah she really is creepy, isn't she?! I kind of love writing her. Haha.

I wish I could think of more creative ways to tell you how much I appreciate your reviews... but seriously, you're just turning me into a jelly pile of feels tonight.


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Review #14, by AlexFan 

14th January 2013:
You have some spelling mistakes here and there but nothing huge. It's just that you seem to have accidentally hit the wronged letter when typing the word.

Other than that great chapter. I'm really enjoying the story so far.

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for stopping by. I'm going to go through and back all my chapters up soon, so I'll make sure to do a read through then and try and catch those typos :)!

Thanks again for stopping by! Jami ♥


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Review #15, by Pixileanin 

4th December 2012:
The most interesting thing I found about the first scene was how careful Lucius was to shield his wife from the Death Eater meeting. I like this touch, having Narcissa out of the loop, both for her protection and because she really wasn't part of the inner circle like the rest of them. Having creepy people in her house all the time would have been enough!

Your portrayal of Voldemort was just chilling. I hated writing him, even one little bit. You did him justice. All evil and darkness and creep. *shudder* And Bellatrix is as messed up as ever. I meant that in a good way, you know. :)

Sirius was so close to revealing the big secret that I'm dying to know and then Peter interrupts them. Darn! I really want to know what Sirius and Lily have been keeping from James all this time and why Lily thinks it's a good idea not to tell him. You are making me impatient with this now. I suppose it's a good thing in a way.

It was cute how even though Lily was out spending time with someone else, her thoughts remained on James. And it was a great touch that she put on such a brave face to fool everyone into thinking that she didn't REALLY have that hangover, though I hope she had the help of a potion.

What happens next? I guess I'll have to come back for the next chapter really soon.

Author's Response: Ahhh Lucius, Bellatrix, Voldemort OH MY! Heheh. Voldemort was terrifying to write, so I'm very happy you think I got him right! He's almost even more challenging than Dumbledore, for me at least.

Sirius and Lily are a sneaky duo. But I can tell you (because I've had a few guesses with this) that they did NOT do anything romantic nor would they EVER.

Hahah you'll have to come back?? Oh no, that's just too bad for me ;). But really, thank you so much for reviewing because you absolutely didn't need to. But I am so happy you're enjoying this so far ♥


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Review #16, by LovlyRita 

3rd December 2012:
I have finally finished this chapter and I come back for another review, even though it has been ages since my last.

I loved the scenes with Bellatrix and the death eaters, that was definitely and interesting change up from the over all flow of the story and it was nice to see that. I like how you are showing every angle of things, so you can see what everyone is thinking. It's very cool.

Poor Bellatrix, you almost feel sorry for her evilness here. I think that is definitely the mark of good writing, when you make the reader feel sorry for BELLATRIX. geez, I never thought that I could. She is so crazy though. Like legit cuckoo. I see her definitely as much more vulnerable at this state too, before Azkaban has hardened her. I love it!

Poor Sirius, finding out about Regulus. The part where he says James is his brother, that is so sweet :) And most likely one of the truest things he's ever said!

Now you've got me all wondering about what is going on with Sirius and Lily. Something that I am sure is going to cause major dramz all over the place, but you have done a really great job building up to this mystery.

and i definitely don't like this Alrek guy, I don't know why, he seems fishy to me, he seems like there is something up with him. And good ol' Lily, hung over LIKE. A. BOSS. and still goes out with this guy. I loved the seen where she was rubbing it in the marauder's faces, even though she felt awful. See I would be the opposite, I would be like "OMG I AM DYING" but not her. Classy lady :)

And the part at the end with Dumbledore and McGonagall was a nice touch. Loved it!!

Your writing style continues to be compelling, the over all flow of your story is very good, and I must say that I still am enamored with it, despite it being all James/Lily and crap :P well done!

Ash

Author's Response: I just typed a big long response but I accidentally put a heart with the symbol that got rid of it :(. Rawr. But it said!

With Sirius and Lily, just so you know it absolutely isn't a romantic secret. I would NEVER do that, I've had a few guesses geared at that though. Although you may have done an editing validation on chapter 8... so you might already know that ;).

Bellatrix is, in my head, a very intensified version of a battered spouse. She would do anything to get praise, acceptance, from Voldemort. Not because she's cared like every other death eater of angering him, but because she thrives on his approval. He could do anything to her, and she would continue trying to please him. But I'm still glad she died in the end, despite what a fascinating character she is, because of what she did to Sirius and what she'll do in this book :(.

Keep an eye on Alrek ;).

And! I have the flu, so your review has made my day. You have no idea. And I should probably confess that I couldn't stop reading Centrifuge.. so I actually already finished *ninja eyes*.. I just couldn't put it downnn! But I am going to back track to review the chapters, so you'll see me very soon ;). And I've been interested in starting Brain Activity..

Anyway, this review has seriously made my day ♥ and reminded me that I'm terrible for taking so long to get back to Centrifuge and review the already read chapters :P.

Jami


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Review #17, by Roots in Water 

16th November 2012:
It's Roots in Water here with your review!

I really enjoyed this chapter- it certainly brought up a series of questions that I hope will be answered soon. Why is Voldemort already targeting them? What have they done that is so noteworthy? It will certainly be interesting to watch these events play out throughout the story.

I think that you're continuing to do a great job with your characterization of the Marauders and their friends. Lily's secret about her hangover was a nice touch, since it definitely fits with her character. Why would she want to give them the chance to gloat?

I liked James' frustration over the matter as well (a nice complement to her plan) but I felt like his complaint was lacking substance. If I was him, I would be briefly explaining the morning's situation to Sirius, describing just how I knew that she didn't suffer from a hangover. As I was reading their conversation I was looking eagerly for a short anecdote like that- I think that it could be quite funny. :)

As for the Marauders themselves, I liked how you mixed their banter into their more serious conversation. It works better than if they were completely serious in a situation like that (at least for their age). :)

As well, I'm really glad that you're continuing to give Peter history. As I think I mentioned in a previous review, it's nice to see that he's not being shafted or anything of the sort. You're making him a true part of the Marauders.

I noticed a few mistakes as I was reading that I'll quickly point out. To begin, I would change the phrases "a woman crept. Silence being her" into one sentence and with the phrase "silently begged he would" I would replace "begged' with a word like "hoped" because "begged" implies that she's talking with someone at that point in time. As well, with "had made he want to curl" I would change "he" to "her". :)

Working backwards here, I really liked the second section of your story. I think that you did a great job of writing Bellatrix before Lord Voldemort: her excitement, her eagerness to obey... You captured those very well.

Your first section was very good as well. However, I think that you could tweak the descriptions so that Bellatrix's personality comes out more through her observations. For example, after "but the uncertainty was evident." you could say "She hated that uncertainty" (just something to show the strength/ferocity of her emotions) or instead of using "tiny" to describe Dobby's body you could use "ugly". Some of your word choices, such as "slither", are already fantastic, though.

The change between the "dark" and "light" sections of your chapter was great. I particularly liked how you went immediately from such a characteristically Bellatrix act to an action that suited Sirius just as wonderfully. The clear-cut distinction between the two characters really helped to make the transition between the sections smooth.

All in all, I think that you did a fantastic job with this chapter. You introduced a few very intriguing things and followed up on the "date" with Alrek. I'm curious as to why he asked her to perform the Patronus charm, though. If there's any reason at all for it... Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful!

Author's Response: Wow, speedy review!! Thank you!

Yes, those questions will absolutely be answered throughout this. Though we never find out through Voldemort why he's targeting them, mainly because I can't see him ever explaining his choices, we do find out through Dumbledore what his theory is as to why Voldemort is targeting them.

Okay, working sort of backwards in your review, YES!! THERE is absolutely a reason Alrek asked Lily to perform the Patronus charm! But, the reason involves more of the level of magical skill it takes to perform a corporeal Patronus as opposed to the patronus itself, and now I'm cutting myself off before I give that away.

I LOVE your suggestions regarding Bellatrix and kind of playing up the hangover a bit more! I'll have to go through this soon and edit it up, those are really awesome suggestions. Thank you m'dear!!

I really want to show that this was a group of FOUR friends. Not three and then Peter, so I'm really happy you're still seeing that. I've finally figured out a way to hate Peter less for what he did, and it's helping make him more enjoyable to write.

Thank you again for your suggestions! When I go through and edit, I'll be sure to credit you for your help ♥

Jami





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Review #18, by MissMdsty 

11th November 2012:
I knew he was evil, I knew it! :D

The plot is starting to shape itself into a real action/mystery. Who is the mysterious Alrek? What does Voldemort want with James? And what did Sirius and Lily do? I'm on the edge of my seat here.

Bellatrix was amazing in the beginning. You really captured the sadistic side of her, the one that loves evil so much that she would even subject herself to torture willingly. It fascinates me how a woman can be so evil and still be able to maintain feelings such as shame and disappointment.

Lovely chapter as always!

Author's Response: MissMdsty... these reviews have been *amazing*.. I'll reply to them all properly very soon, but I just had to tell you how much I appreciate these reviews. I will head over to your page and return the favor this evening when I finish up some work.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review so many of my chapters, and just making my day with your awesome comments. I look forward to checking out your Author Page more tonight! ♥

Jami


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Review #19, by pennyardelle 

23rd September 2012:
Hi Jami! Sorry for the slight lag in delivering your requested review, but here I am again! :)

So, I really like the glimpse of the Death Eaters' activities we got in this chapter. I think it's really great that you plan on including scenes like this occasionally, because that's something that generally doesn't happen in a lot of Marauders stories. People will often include one scene from Snape or Bellatrix's POV, but to shift more often will really be one way of making your story distinct from others. It was a well-written scene, and I've always thought that Voldemort would be trying to recruit Hogwarts students at that time.

I have a few comments, but they're mainly just minor stuff that I think could strengthen the chapter up. :) One thing is that I noticed a number of comma splices in the chapter. For example, near the beginning, you wrote, "But tonight she had nothing for him, she deserved to be punished, and silently begged he would do at least that." The first comma needs to be a period, colon, semi-colon, or em-dash in order for this sentence to be grammatically correct. I did note down most of the other instances I saw as I was reading, but I don't want to waste too much space on that here--feel free to PM me if you'd like me to send them to you!

There were also a couple places where there appeared to be a shift in POV that read as a bit jarring. One was near the beginning, when it seemingly switched to from Bellatrix's POV to Dobby's. The other was when Lucius locks Narcissa in the room (which, by the way, I thought was a nice way of injecting a sense of uncertainty among Voldemort's followers)--there's a moment where it seems to switch to his POV, and then back to Bellatrix's.

There were a couple sentences I think you could have moved to their own paragraph to add emphasis. For example, when Bellatrix is begging Voldemort, she stops mid-sentence, and you wrote "he turned back to her". I think you could move that last bit to a new paragraph, so it stands alone and really makes the reader feel like they've--wham!--hit a wall in the conversation. Same goes for the moment when Peter interrupts Sirius telling James about the night Lily's parents died (so curious!). If you move "a quick slam followed by a body racing through the portrait hole caused both friends look up," to its own paragraph, I think it would create a nice effect.

In a couple places, I think word choice could be strengthened. When you gave that description of Voldemort, which was really vivid, it kind of jarred me to read, "the hollows of his skin creeping out". It just struck me as odd, because things that are hollow are concave by definition, and it created something of a disconnect in my mind to think of them as moving outwards. Similarly, when you described the Hogwarts grounds and the wind there as "chilling", that seemed a bit off to me--"chilling" makes me think "terrifying" or "spooky", not "cold". "Chilly" instead, maybe?

Okay, just a couple more brief things (sorry!). I noticed that you didn't capitalize Quidditch several times, and didn't capitalize Death Eaters once. Those are always capitalized in the HP books. And then, just a few small typos:
I think she said there were going around the lake. (they?)
James'll have to chance anyway to get it. (change?)
...three large candles burned on top of the pure white mantle. (burning?)
The red in hear cheeks darkened.
Lily couldn't help but feel a small part of hear heart ache...

Finally (I promise this is the last thing), when James tells Sirius what Lily said to him the previous night, there's a paragraph beginning with "I was laying in bed" that needs a quotation mark at the start (or moving up to join the previous paragraph).

Phew. Again, sorry. I only mention these things because, with the exception of them, this was a great chapter! I did think it was clear in the end that they had told Dumbledore about the prospects, though perhaps a clearer reference to what they were going to say somewhere earlier in the chapter would be worthwhile. (Like when Sirius says, "we'll have to fetch Lily to have her fill Dumbledore in, right?", you could just elaborate on what they're going to fill him in about. Or, when Sirius finds Lily, you could have a line in her inner monologue about what she needs to tell Dumbledore. Or both! Haha.) I really liked the glimpse at McGonagall's softer side in the end there.

Like I said, really strong chapter, and I hope my tedious comments didn't bore you to death!

Author's Response: Oh goodness please don't ever be sorry about any kind of wait. I still can't believe you are able to be such a huge part of the site and still opening are review thread! It's very awesome.

I am so happy that the first scene seemed realistic. I don't want the war to be something that effects their ever every move at Hogwarts. It will taint their last year of school tremendously, but I think showing what is going on with the other side helps us kind of understand how bad things are because our main characters just don't yet.

Comma splices! Ahh! Thank you so much for pointing that out. I am BAD with those. Getting much better, though! I'll go through it, and if I don't feel confident that I got most/all of them I'll message you :)! If that's okay :).

Shifting PoV. Rawr. I take the opportunity to use 3rd omniscient entirely too much, sometimes. I edited out the Dobby one, and will work on the Lucius one to keep it in Bella's PoV. When we get to the 6th chapter, I do switch purposefully with Lily and James during a scene where I really wanted to get both of them in on it. I'll leave my concerns about that in my next review request, but I'm hoping it feels smooth enough to not need to edit out!

I'm so happy you thought this was a strong chapter! And thank you so much for pointing these things out. Anything that can make a chapter stronger, I want to do, so please don't apologize it!! Haha nothing about this bored me to death, crazy girl! You're helping me strengthen a chapter!! That's not boring, it's amazingly sweet and I am anxious to get your edits in and this bad boy back in the queue. I swear, every validator is going to hate me for all my edits after this story is over! haha!

Thanks so much for taking the time to leave this review, and again I'm extremely happy that you enjoyed this chapter and that it was little things you pointed out. Because that means the big things like characterizations and detail were solid (right?) haha ;) ♥ And please, if you need anything reviewed or just want an opinion on anything certain, don't hesitate to PM me the link/title! I would love to give back some of the wondeful-ness you help with, but when I have free time I don't always find myself remembering what exactly I wanted to get done *ninja*

Thanks again!!!


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Review #20, by Arithmancy_Wiz 

20th September 2012:
Sorry this review took a little time in coming. The Dobbys have a way of sucking up all the free hours in the day! But I'm back now and will go through each of your AoCs in turn. So away we go again!!

Starting with the Bellatrix scenes... The simple answer is that I liked the addition. I like it even more knowing that these types of flash-sideways will be a recurring (though sporadic) concept. The longer version is that I like it in particular because it adds to the feeling of the larger world beyond the walls of Hogwarts. Not that the story so far has just been a "day in the life of a bunch of teenagers" kind of Marauders story, but it does serve to remind us that the stakes are bigger than just whether or not James and Lily will ever get together. I do so love stories with layers! In general, I thought you did a very good job of creating the mood/atmosphere you were hoping for (mysterious and unpleasant). The short sentences/paragraphs were a great style choice, as was Bella's hypersensitivity to her own pulse, to the sound of those breathing around her, etc. And I loved the part where she threw the coat on Dobby. It was so in character. It did feel like a whole new section of the book -- but in a positive way. It's consistent with they you've been writing but also stands alone (if that makes sense). In fact, I'd say the first scene in particular was one of the best in the story so far.

I have a few minor "nitpicks" on the two scenes, though nothing major. First, a very tiny slip in POV in the line: Her attitude did not faze Dobby, he was accustomed to the sudden anger when speaking to Bellatrix Lestrange. That sounds like Dobby's POV when the rest of the scene is Bella's. Also, I liked the way you had Bella calling Voldemort "Master," but that made the line "Bella put herself at the chair closest to the one Voldemort would sit" stand out. I'm not sure if even the voice in her head would dare to call him Voldemort :P Last, there is a line where Regulus calls his brother "Sirius Black." It just sounded odd that he would use his last name, since it's also his last name. Nothing major there, obviously. Just something I jotted down while reading.

The only other thing I'd say on the Bella bits were that I didn't think you really needed the scene split. Actually, the line "By the time midnight struck, He had arrived" would have been a SUPER one to end the whole section on. There wasn't anything wrong with the second scene, but push come to shove, all the big stuff was already hinted at in scene one. We know Bella's going after Peter (an idea I love, by the way. I've always had theories that she was the one who got to him!), we know they are gathering info about the school, we know Bella is going to get punished and continue to try and find ways to serve Voldemort, etc, etc. Since it was the first "switch" to the Death Eater side of things, less may be more here. Anyway, that's just a thought.

Moving on to the characterizations. Well, I already said I liked Bella a lot in this. I think you really captured her perfectly here. I liked the way the whole style seemed to morph just ever so slightly to match her personality. I also continue to like Alrek. I don't know what all his role will be in the future but again, I like the way his speech pattern is so distinctive and that he comes off as a bit of a likeable oaf, whatever it is he has up his sleeve, which I'm guessing isn't going to be great. I didn't have any problems with Peter's reaction to the question about his parents. I can't imagine a lot of teenage boys wanting to sit down and have a conversation about their home life -- even with their close friends. I don't think I would have given it a second thought if you hadn't pointed it out.

Just two specific points on the scene three: One is a POV change in the line "He waited to see Sirius's reaction, knowing his friend took great care to not be affected by his brother's 'career' choice." The second is that I just have to say how much I loved Sirius' "password" to get into the room, the bit about not having cursed the broom but only taking credit for it. I thought it was perfect!

To the point about skipping the meeting, I'm a bit torn. I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with skipping it. After all, we the reader saw what happened so we don't need to really relive it by listening to them describing what happened to Dumbledore. And in regards to how it was written, I also didn't have any problem with the final scene in the chapter. In fact, I really liked your depictions of both characters and the idea of them having this little chat. That said, I didn't think it worked so well with the flow of the chapter, and I'm not really sure it would work at the start of the next chapter either. By not depicting the meeting, you aren't really setting this scene up, so it feels a bit tacked on at the end. If this were a movie, I think this is one of those scenes that would end up in the director's cut; it's good and interesting but when you step back, it doesn't fit into the pacing of the movie.

I have a feeling I've hit my word count limit again so I'll just say in response to your last AoC: Yes, I do think the story is interesting and moving along at a good speed. This chapter has thickened the plot and hinted at where the story is going next. Overall, I feel like you're picking up steam here and this was one of my favorite chapters thus far. Sorry again about the delay in getting to this review. When I have more time, I plan to open my review thread back up and I hope you'll come back for more requests :)

Author's Response: Hi!!! Don't apologize for being busy crazy girl! I am just thrilled that you have a thread in the first place and let me stalk it ♥

Reminding readers of the kind of world that these people were living in at the time is so important to me, because it makes their strength just that much more amazing. Anyone can be a hero at that one moment. They can choose to die for someone they love, they can make the split second decision to throw themselves in the way of danger. Not that it makes that person any less amazing, but out of my fiance's unit of over sixty soldiers, I'm positive everyone of them would throw themselves on a grenade to save their unit. So, deciding to be a hero in a split second is amazing... but living through this kind of fear and choosing to keep fighting it. Making the decision to become part of the order knowing what it will very well could do to you, knowing you'll spend the remainder of this war looking over your shoulder... it's such a sacrifice. for a group of young kids to make. And I just really want this first book of the two to show the darkness around them, and show how much it matters that they aren't letting it overtake them once things really start to break loose. Sorry, I can't help but ramble when it comes to this bunch. Ahh!

Thank you so much for pointing out those two things, especially the Bellatrix once because that is such a small change that makes a big impact!

I'm happy that you picked up on the fact that Bella is going after Peter. They never wanted Peter for the sake of having him, they wanted James. But you never try and take a king down like that.. you start with the kings guard, or his knight.. or whatever Kings have. Haha. And you weaken him.

Alrek coming off as that is perfect! I'm so happy he felt that way!

Ahh, I'm really going to have to play with that scene. I guess my most important aspect of it was making it clear that the Order is currently running and strong. I will play around with it and try and figure out how to make it fit in with the flow without going over the whole meeting..

Thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews, and I just noticed that you opened your thread up again...mwahaha guess where I'm going :P




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Review #21, by SunSation Gal 07 

16th September 2012:
Ooh, nutso Bella and Moldypants. :P and I have a feeling who they are trying to pressure into joining. Poor Peter. Haha, and Lily fibbed about a hangover.

Author's Response: Hahaha she did she did!! Thanks so much for all your wonderful review! And Bella is most definitely nutso!

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Review #22, by Remus 

12th September 2012:
Hola! :D

I'm armed with chocolate cake and coffee (which is bad at 10:17pm) and ready for this! Mwahaha!

You started this chapter with my favorite Loony! :D Seriously, I told Dan this and I'm telling you too but Bellatrix always reminds me of that song by Lady Gaga 'Bad Romance'. If you look at the lyrics and think of Bella...yeah, for me it fits!

Wait! Hold up! Question(s). The person Bella was trying to intimidate...was that Snape, Peter or someone else? And they're trying to recruit James? I thought it was Snape (whom they were intimidating) to convince Peter...! *confused yet intrigued*

Haha, for a while I was wondering why Lucius was locking Narcissa away! I was thinking that he was 'THAT' kind of man...but I see his reasoning and it makes total sense. In a weird way...

I really like how you made everyone nervous and anxious. Even back then Voldemort inspired fear. Even I felt a bit nervous for Bella!

So...how did Reg get out of the castle? He's younger than Sirius and he's still in school...the school is protected by strong magic thanks to Dumbledore so I don't think that getting in and out of school grounds is easy. Also, it took Draco a LOT of work to achieve the passage way...so yeah, I'm curious as to how Bellatrix got in and Reg is going back and forth...

Dang it, Peter! I wanted to know the truth behind the Evans's death! He HAD to come in at the wrong time! bah!

Your Minerva and Albus made me laugh despite the fact that their part was short. In fact, they even felt very much in character just like everyone else.

Alright, I only have one critique. After Bella's section, it felt like the chapter was full of dialogue and not enough description nor setting detail. You know what I mean? How did Lily feel after drinking too much, did the sun hurt her, what kind of day was it? The reason I say this is because on those sections I imagined all of this happening in a very dim room. However, that's the only thing I have to say! I loved everything else about it, though! XD I'm intrigued as to HOW Lily's parents died...

Anyway! Until next time! :D

--Rosie

Author's Response: YOUR MY 200th REVIEW!!! I COULD GIVE YOU SUCH A MASSIVE CHEEK KISS RIGHT NOW!

Okay, anyway. Yes, how Regulus is getting out, how Bellatrix is getting in, it all gets explained. Keep your eyes peeled ;). Although, in my head things aren't as extreme as they were in Harry's day. The castle is of course protected, but not to the point it was the first war, because Voldemort has been dong things for the most part underground from here on out. Random deaths have popped up, his first real act that occurs towards his desire to purge the world of mudbloods occurs in chapter 7/8. Everyone knows he's behind the muggle attacks at this point, but it's all kind of in the dead of night style. The coming one is big and dangerous and shows that he doesn't care who knows it's him. ANYWAY! I'm rambling. Yes, it's explained, haha.

As of now Peter is in no way involved with the group, I can tell you that much. And as of now, their ultimate goal is to recruit at Hogwarts because it's young blood that Voldemort can train into his own. James is a very important idea to Voldemort, he comes from powerful people and strong blood. So, I won't tell you exactly what they were talking about and how they were trying.. but right now a few of the trusted prospects at Hogwarts, and the full fledged Death Eater(s) know that their goal is to try and see if they can find an opening to recruit James Potter, and any other valuable blood. Did I kind of answer or make more confusing?? HAHA!

Ahh ! Your critique is such a good one!! Thank you for pointing that out, I'm excited to edit this up a bit now!

Thanks so much for stopping by darling ♥ and for being such an awesome reviewer and basically just making my day ♥


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Review #23, by SilentConfession 

9th September 2012:
Hi Jami! I'm back for your review! :P

About your first concerns about the first scene, i thought it was done fairly well. It was actually really interesting to see Bellatrix's weird obsession and that it started so early for her. I hope to see progression from her as well though as she probably wasn't always so devoted as we knew her in the books. I liked the fear that she showed though because it made her feel realer to me, more relatable. It also makes me see how she becomes so manic later on because of this drive to always please Voldemort. That was really well done.

With those scenes however, although i liked how they showed a darker side of the war and it brings a lot of really interesting new plots into your story i felt like there should have been more evil. I hope that makes sense, but i kind of expected to be disgusted or scared by Voldemort and he didn't evoke fear in me as i read this. Even with the other DE's, i expected a little more out of them, something a bit more sinister feeling i suppose.

The transition from the first bit to the second was alright. A bit jolting but it wasn't a turn off for me. Although, I feel like now that i've got a taste of the war, i feel like it's effects should be felt in the castle as well more. Perhaps not in this chapter and maybe you've done it in later chapters but don't put the war just in those small segments. It will permeate even the halls of Hogwarts as students will be dealing with the deaths of family and friends. Also, this war is a bit different than the second too as the second Voldemort was after Harry. For most of the first one, he wouldn't have been and would have been more about blood supremacy and chaos.

You handled the retelling/ glossing over of details in the past chapter really well. It's normal for characters and stories to refer back to past actions and past thoughts. For me, i think it makes the story more continuous. It also didn't seem overly redundant either, which is a plus. I'm curious to know what Lily did so that she didn't have a hang-over... had a potion already?

There were times that i thought that some of the ways you describe things could have been done better or i was looking for more that give me a richer look at the scenes/actions. This for example: Sirius strutted I feel like it could have been more creatively done. What does his strut look like? Does he wiggle his shoulders, does he seem like there is a half hop? Make me see how see how he walked rather than just tell me he strutted. I feel like that would highlight his arrogance more and the imagery would hit me harder. Sometimes, when your describing an action/feeling/scent go into more than just a one word description. I hope that makes sense. What you've done is fine, but sometimes it would be nicer to see exactly how it's done as well. I suppose, make us feel how he struts or how someone. It's the classic line, show, don't tell :D

Alrek is weird. I'm not sure if i like him, which isn't bad, of course, it's great when you can write a character that is generally unlikable but still make him a well rounded character. But he's suspicious to me, how does he already know that she's smart and been hearing things about her... didn't he just transfer? There were a few things i think he mentioned in the last chapter that seemed weird that he would know that. This may be intentional and he may just be a stalker with unseen motives or i'm just reading way to much in that... I have a tendency to do that. :P

I was a little worried with all the POV changes. typically though they were consistently done. I noticed at the beginning Bella's POV slipped into Dobby's and then back again. I found that a bit distracting. The end switch to McGonagall's and Dumbledore was the most jolting one however. It didn't seem to fit with the rest of the chapter and felt like an odd place to end. I think it might have been because there was this lead up to the meeting and then suddenly the meeting didn't happen or it did but you skipped it in the narrative and then changed POV's. For me, it just seemed a little disjointed. There would be no issue if you stayed in the same POV but skipped the meeting or glossed over it as you probably don't just want to retell the events of last chapter. (one a side note... wouldn't the Heads know the password?) However, I think i understand the motivation behind that, you want to introduce the Order but i'd just suggest making that transition from Lily's POV to Dumbledore and McGonagall.

On a final note and because i didn't have enough time in the last chapter to mention this but i love what you've done with Peter so far! For one, he EXISTS!!! and two he's not a fat, dim-witted fool!! I could hug you!!

I'm curious what the Marauders will do now since they have an idea how Bella got into the castle... is it going to affect them? Will they consider telling Dumbledore? Will they try to stop her themselves or is everything just going to go on normally?

Anyway! Thanks for requesting me! I hope this review helped a bit and that I covered your questions well enough! Feel free to rerequest :D
-zayne

Author's Response: Ahh actually there won't be much in terms for Bellatrix and character development in this :(. And that's mainly because the DE scenes aren't always told through her. For example, the next one in Chapter 6 is from Lucius's PoV just because it made more sense. So whoever it fits more is really who it will come from. I hope that isn't too disappointing! I'm happy you liked her fear, I loved playing with the idea that having her mark taken from her was worse than any kind of pain.

Yes I've been really working on the show don't tell! I'm happy you pointed that out, I'll have to go through this chapter and really implement what I've been attempting in the later ones.

I'm happy you have your concerns about Alrek, as I've said before *no one* is introduced without a reason, keep your eye on him ;) And you're reading absolutely as far into this as you should be, I strongly suggest you continue that attitude because I do leave a large amount of subtle hints about what else is happening in the next few chapters ;).

They actually did tell Dumbledore about Bellatrix getting in during the meeting. Maybe I could find someway to sum up the meeting to make it more clear and try and keep the PoV's stable? I'll definitely have to look over that!

I'm so happy you like what I'm doing with Peter! He's actually much more fun to write than I originally thought. And I really dislike when he's made into an idiot, because despite the things he did, he still played a double agent for over a year (that's going only on Lexicon dates) and was smart enough to get through it.

So with the castle, that sense of doom (for lack of better words) will of course come. I guess I just can't stand when it seems like everyone's frightened of the war, but we don't actually see what has happened to make them frightened, so I'm trying to start this off at the point where everyone has that 'it's Hogwarts, nothing matters here' mentality and then really show how these students become part of the chaos. The first chapter that really hits into Hogwarts, and shows everyone that even *they* are at danger, is the end of 8/beginning of 9. I'm so excited to see your thoughts on it!

This review was amazingly helpful, I'm anxious to play with different ways that I can make that last scene more clear and yet leave out any monotonous feelings! I hope you enjoy chapter 6!! And seriously, if I'm requesting too much, please tell me! ;).


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Review #24, by Cal 

23rd August 2012:
I love this story so far! Bellatrix was so creepy but it was amazing and Sirius and James .. I feel like I know them, they're exactly right! I have to get ready for school but hopefully I can read the next chapters soon because I have to know that happens!!

You're still working on this right?? You didn't stop writing it??

Author's Response: Aww you are so sweet, thank you!! And no, I most definitely haven't stopped (and won't stop) working on this. I've been very busy with family obligations but will be finishing chapter 8 in the next few days :)!

Thanks again!

Jami


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Review #25, by DracoFerret11 

10th August 2012:
Hello there! This is DarkRose again. I'm sorry about the delay between reviews. I've been busy. XD So, thoughts:

Characterization: I adored all the characters in this chapter. We start with creepy, creepy Bellatrix (ew, I hate her) and you write her perfectly! I DEFINITELY think you captured her bizarre adoration of Voldemort. I liked that you showed an interesting take on her when she was younger. Lucius and Narcissa were good as well. Thought on the fact that Lucius said they were only in school with Snape/James for one year--not quite true in canon. (This might not actually matter for your story, but I'll write it out anyway.) Lucius would have been a sixth year when the Marauders and all started school, and Narcissa would have been a fifth year. Anyhow, moving on: Voldemort is such a weirdo! Ew. I don't like him. But I DO think you wrote him well. :] And on to the good guys: Sirius is a total sweetheart. I adore him. And James is growing up! Yay! Always a bonus. Lily is still our dear Lily. She's good. :D And I am SO excited that Peter was in this chapter. I hate Marauders stories that ignore him. You wrote him wonderfully. Terrific job on everyone. :D

Descriptions: I really liked that I could envision the scene with the Death Eaters. It made everything much more dramatic. Well done! And I liked the Marauders moments too. :] I could really see everything that was happening in this chapter. Well done!

Emotions: Okay! So I definitely got Bella's fear at the beginning. It was infectious. I don't even LIKE her, but I felt bad for her because of how worried she was. And I loved when Sirius was torn between telling James and not telling James about whatever happened the night Lily's parents died--SUSPENSE!

Plot: Great chapter! I loved that we worked in some drama from the other side of the war. It's always interesting to see what's happening out of the world of the main characters. And then we have this added drama with something that happened that James doesn't know about. I'm really interested to find out about that. And then they talk to McGonagall and Dumbledore (who are both great, by the way). And now even THEY recognize that we've got some growing issues. And McGonagall the matchmaker. How cute! :D I'm excited to read the next chapter.

Interactions: I love the interaction between the Marauders. Their friendship is wonderful. I absolutely love that Peter was here. He doesn't get enough attention in Marauders Era fics which is annoying. It was good to see him around.

I think you're doing really well. I liked this chapter quite a bit and I'll read the next one ASAP. Keep up the good work!

--Emily

Author's Response: Ahh please don't say sorry! I'm just happy your offering up your amazing reviews ♥

That's exactly what I wanted with the reader and Bellatrix! We hate her! But I wanted that small bit of, what is going to happen to her? Because she's absolutely terrified. So I'm happy you felt a bit bad for her :)!

Heheh I love adding those little bits of suspense in here and there.

I am so happy you could imagine everything! I've been working a lot on imagery and detail, so the fact that it is pulling through makes me want to jump up and down! I have a lot of fun writing from the other side, and that will continue to happen throughout the story. And, it will always tie in to what is happening either with the Order or at Hogwarts. So keep an eye on those bad guys ;).

I am so happy you liked Dumbledore and McGonagall. They're really scary to write. Especially trying to write them 12-13 years younger than when we meet them.

I also can't stand when Peter is ignored. He was still their friend. Their very good friend, and played a strong part in all of this. Although I do find myself wanting to walk him off a cliff now and again ;).

Thank you so much for this amazing review. For all the amazing reviews and putting so much time and effort into detail.

I also can't wait for the next update with Lucius and Narcissa!! I need to start something new of yours!!

Thanks again, darling ♥

Jami


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