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10 Reviews Found

Review #1, by FallenTruths 

7th April 2013:
Hi Celtic!

I really enjoyed reading this piece from Harry's point of view since he is a very difficult character to try to capture properly. I thought you did a great job with Harry's characterization and drawing out all of the emotions he would be feeling after the final battle. As Harry was surveying all of the damage I felt like the reader was getting more and more aware of how deeply the war had affected both the castle and Harry's mind. It felt like as the damage to the castle mounted, so did the emotional damage that Harry experienced.

There were a few places where I felt like the flow of the story could have been better. You had quite a bit of choppy sentences that broke up a lot of the paragraphs. This drew attention to these sentences but in many cases it really didn't need to have extra attention drawn to them. Including short little fragments instead of sentences can certainly be effective in emphasizing a specific line, but since you used this technique frequently it didn't end up having the effect it should have had.

There were a few mistakes that I spotted - "Out of habit, he crept along the stairs leading down the common room" should have the word 'to' between 'down' and 'the.' Also, "repair their own homes and come to turns over what had happened" should say the word 'terms' instead of 'turns.'

The ending where Harry entered the closet with Voldemort's body really surprised me! I was getting really worried for a bit there that something bad was going to happen, but luckily it was all just a dream. I definitely wasn't expecting him to be dreaming it all so you caught me off guard with that twist. The story makes a lot of sense as a dream since he was attempting to fall asleep at the beginning and then ends up wandering around the castle instead. It also seems like Harry might not want to admit to himself that he was so affected by the final battle, but the truth is coming out in this dream. This story was a great addition to the collaboration!

Alli

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Review #2, by Arithmancy_Wiz 

10th August 2011:
I didn't get a chance to read as much of this collab as I hoped but I take it from the other reviews that selecting Harry's POV was a rarity. I agree that he can be rather difficult to write as we know him so well, but I thought you picked up on a lot of good details here. I doubt he would have been able to sleep easily, or wanted to talk much with anyone other than Ron or Hermione...and checking on the body does seem exactly like something he would do. I also thought the ending was very clever. Poor Harry, even after Voldemort is dead he is still having dreams about him.

Overall, I thought this was well-crafted. The musings and reflections were incorporated nicely with Harry's actually meandering through the castle. The best parts were when you provided specific details - like the rubies on the ground or the burning of the bodies. These things hit home a lot more than more general terms like "All the room's contents had been knocked down." You've got a good brain for the former. Don't be afraid to be specific. We don't need to know every detail - in fact the details can just be a quick, well-thought phrase - but unique comments like that really shine.

To offer a little CC, I would say this read a bit rough around the edges at times. For example: "...it was quite different being out in the open in broad daylight...He was back in his old dormitory in Gryffindor tower." While the broad daylight may be metaphoric, it sounds a bit like you are saying he is outside but also in the tower. Also, you mention the Headmaster's tower twice: when Harry comments on visiting it and again in paragraph five. You seem to be saying it both fared well and was hit pretty badly. That's a bit contradictory and makes it hard for the reader to craft a mental image. There are also a few missing words here and there but I know that as a collab, you can't always get in and edit (I always seem to have typos when I first post).

Thanks for sharing your one-shot. Best of luck on future writing!

A_wiz (RC)

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Review #3, by Ginny45 

31st March 2011:
Hello!

Third one of your entries and the third one I loved. There is some gorgeous description in this story.

On top of that, you picked the hardest character to write. We already have Harry's POV and many recreations seem pointless as we already know everything. However, this was different you tapped into his emotions completely.

Ginny45/RandomRed xxx
Operation: Green With Envy

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Review #4, by MalfoysCarolinaGirl2010 

29th March 2011:
YAY one of the few from Harry's POV and to make it even better it's after the war and shows the effect of trama on people.

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Review #5, by LadyMalfoy23 

7th March 2011:
Wow. Celtic. Just wow. For a moment there i was really unaware of the thought that this was indeed a dream! The imagery at the begining is was drew me in to the whole story. I could see in my mind perfectly what you were trying to convey. I actually always wondered what they would do with his body after the war, and the thought of them just shoving him in a broom cupboard seemed very real even if it was only a dream. Your plot and details were great!! I loved this story a lot! :)

XxJess

Operation: Green with Envy.

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Review #6, by TenthWeasley 

4th March 2011:
Wow. Just... wow. Hold on, let me collect myself for a moment, or my review's going to turn out like a pile of mush.

Okay. Better. Here we go. ^^

You have, in my humble opinion, hit the nail solidly on the head with this piece. Harry's emotions has you have written them are so raw and fresh and real, they almost seem canon - that's how much I admire them. It's like an exact continuation from that last chapter before the epilogue, as though this was actually part of that chapter.

And that twist at the end - totally did not see that coming, my friend, and it takes some serious skill to not get me to see a twist (no conceit meant in that statement). Oh, I got THE worst mental image when Voldemort grabbed his ankle. *shudder* That's pretty much the most terrifying thing ever.

I have to say again just how canon this seemed to me. I think I only spotted one thing that needed changing, in the first paragraph - 'rein' should change to 'reign'. Other than that, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I ADORED this!

OPERATION: Green With Envy

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Review #7, by MajiKat 

29th September 2010:
here to review!
okay i think you did a good job writing from harry's POV - it's a hard one. I have tried and I find him the most difficult of all the characters to write from. that said, i think there is something lacking here - a closeness with the reader maybe? im not sure - it just appears like there is too much distance but then again, i might be off base because the only person who can write harry brilliantly is JK, and maybe i am finding it hard to shake her influence.

this is a nice piece filled with memories and i like that about it. i like particularly the dream with the dark lord - i mean, why wouldn't harry, after everything he had been through, be finding it hard to accept voldemort was gone? that was a nice slice of realism and humanism of harry. well done

there are several grammatical errors throughout the piece - i don't know if its too late to get a beta to look over this for you or not. some of the things i noticed were:
rein - should be 'reign'
the spot he was hoisted - missing a 'where'
Most of the families had went home - went should be 'gone'
He tried to help him many times over the years and finally did by helping him escape from the Malfoy's basement and dieing in the process - dieing should be 'dying' and i think the word 'help' and its derivatives is used too much here

just a few things i picked up on
overall, i like this. it made me feel nostalgic and i thought you did a good job with harry!

hope i wasn't too harsh :/ and that some of this helps you!
Maji xx

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Review #8, by Capella Black 

19th August 2010:
Ooh, creepy! I love the concept of this, and it's really well written too.

In particular, I love how the narrative feels real enough to avoid giving away that it's a dream, yet has enough surrealism (mainly the rubies) to make the "and it was all a dream" ending avoid seeming random. Instead, by the time we get there, we're hoping for that to be so (because Voldemort surviving is just not good).

I also love the final paragraph - this stops the story from simply being a dream sequence, and instead tells us a lot about Harry's state of mind. He's been fighting the same enemy for almost seven years, and so it really fits that he wouldn't be able to trust that Voldemort was truly dead, and thus that it would be playing on his mind both consciously and subconsciously.

Really novel idea.

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Review #9, by melian 

18th August 2010:
Harry! Well. You know, of all the perspectives I've read in this collab, this is the first time I've had Harry's. Maybe it's because the books were told from his POV and so people didn't feel there was much more to tell, but as you proved with this, they were wrong. What a great missing moment! So believable, and just a tad harrowing. Yes it was a dream, but you would be stuck with that nagging sensation of "what if", wouldn't you? I would certainly be going downstairs just to check, just to be on the safe side. Even in victory, you have to be absolutely certain, don't you?

Great job! :)

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Review #10, by propertyoftheHBP 

14th August 2010:
The end was so eerie--I've always wondered what was done with Voldemort's body, and you've got a plausible answer here. I can definitely see Harry needing to check once, maybe twice, to see if Voldemort's really dead. The spectulation in Harry's dream was very in character, I thought, and well-written. I have to admit, in his dream, once Voldemort grabbed his leg I was wholly freaked out and wondering where you were going with the piece--I didn't see it being a dream coming at all.

You did a really good job here, I liked it very much. :)

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