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14 Reviews Found

Review #1, by celticbard 

29th April 2009:
Hi morgana!
I'm here to review your fic as requested! This was a lovely chapter, in which Harry's growing alliance with Draco really begins to take shape. I truly enjoyed their interaction. It was fascinating. They're both obviously trying to play it safe while at the same time, they are forced to negotiate with each other.

Draco's meeting with Father McKenna really added to the tension. I enjoyed his attempts to make it seem as though Harry was his best mate. ^_^ Also, the priest's reaction to being confronted by the wizarding world was quite realistic. I'm a practicing Catholic myself and I was actually discussing ghosts and exorcisms with my priest recently. Father McKenna's take on the situation was spot-on. ^_^

It's also nice to see Harry finally striking out on his own. He no longer has to rely on the "charity" of the Dursleys and it is clear that he's starting to feel a bit more confident. Good for him! ^_^

Again, I really enjoyed this chapter, morgana. Feel free to drop by my queue any time and request another review. I hope you have a great week!

Best,
celticbard

Author's Response: Thanks so much honey. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. I did try to build Draco and Harry's relationship slowly because yes they are going to have to co-operate in this story but that doesn't mean that they are able to warm up to each other immediately.

I'm particularly impressed with the fact that you like my portrayal of the priest. Obviously not all priests are the same but I wanted him to come across as a hands on approach type who is relatively open minded.

Harry is of age now and he's a pretty independent person. That apartment building actually exists, shame that I can't afford it! lol Harry sees himself definitely as an adult here.

Have a lovely week yourself! x


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Review #2, by SpringTime 

15th November 2008:
After they drop off Draco Hermione asks her dad if they are going home or going to find Harry an apartment while they are there in town, doesn't she already know that that was his plan? I mean that was his plan right?
The conversation with Draco, Harry and the priest was done well, I liked how you displayed Malfoy's manioulatoins of the conversation. I will get to the rest of the chapters tomorrow. I hope that these have helped

Author's Response: Most definitely your reviews are helping me a lot. You have a very good eye for spotting errors and inconsistencies. Thanks so much.

Now, yes, the idea is for Harry to buy a place but Mr Granger didn't know that he had decided on a particular place yet.

I'm really pleased that you enjoyed the conversation between the priest, Harry and Draco and that Draco's attempt at manipulating things shows.


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Review #3, by Savannah 

7th May 2008:
Really interesting- I especially like your description of Harry's flat and the idea for McKenna to come with Draco and Harry!

Author's Response: Goodness! You have read the whole story so far. I must say I'm impressed becase this is a long thing and there is still a lot in the pipeline. I'm so glad you have enjoyed it so far! Thanks so much!

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Review #4, by Shellee 

20th April 2008:
There isn't much trouble in telling Draco he'd move, is there. After all, he would notice when Harry actually moves. He's got no idea where it is. Now he got to do what he needed to do. I'm happy that the priest didn't go mad or something after all, I'd think that religious people would be more scared of wizards, to be honest.
Argh, really that place sounds so beautiful. I want ittt too! Hehe, maybe some day with some big luck. Now Harry's got his own place, hmm. Well, not technically cause Mr. Granger bought it for him, didn't he? I'm wondering how long it will take for them to move. I hope it doesn't get too hard on Ginny though.
Harry does have a knack of having people like him suddenly. It's nice though. Would help much I think. It helped with the priest. I don't really see how praying would help much though, she probably does have unfinished business. Make sure that Draco is alright or something like that.
Ooh, I love it! Can't wait for more. =)

Author's Response: Wow, you have got to the very end (well the end of what is written so far)! I'm so happy you have reviewed the lot. Yes, Cissa has unfinished business, the priest will help in some way but yes, what she wants is to talk to her son.

The flat, yes, they will move soon. Ginny, well, Molly is not going to allow her youngest and only daughter to move in with her boyfriend at 16 but I wouldn't be the one to try to stop Ginny from doing what she has set out her mind to do, so she will join them in the end. Harry will need her too and she is pretty resourceful and the only one who's actually any good at divination etc. She will be a real addition to their team.

I always felt that one of the reasons why Draco always resented Harry is because he is popular with just about everyone apart from Snape. Now, of course, Draco is trying to use Harry's ability to get on with older people to his advantage. I can't stop my Draco from being a Slytherin, can I?

Thanks so much! x


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Review #5, by AriesGirl40 

19th April 2008:
poor malfoy, reminds me of an old movie "mommy be dead" it was quite interesting too. enjoyed the chapter alot.

Author's Response: Thanks, yes, I'm really taking it out on Draco in this story. It's hard not to feel sorry for him even if he was always so nasty to Harry and even now is more trying to use him than anything else but yes, he is not completely evil. I never thought he was in canon either.

Thanks for having read the lot so far!


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Review #6, by Gords7015 

14th April 2008:
Well, I made it back (thanks for reminding me to come!!), and this is yet another great chapter. I like that the house is purchased, and that Draco is being a little more humble. I think that the only thing I could say was a bit off was how Draco is playing this. I know that he needs Harry, but I think that we've got six books (well, seven really) which tell us that Draco isn't very good at hiding his feelings. I think that adding in that Malfoy flushed as he spoke about Potter, or let something slip, something of that nature, might lend some more creedence to your story.

Otherwise, it is fantastic as usual. I don't see any grammar issues, and I liked the whole thing. Oh, I thought that Harry/Hermoine engagement idea was funny, but think that they probably look a little young for that, so maybe that would be a case of having the real estate lady act a little surprised, maybe make a comment there... Otherwise, keep up the good work!!

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Draco, well, it's a hard character to understand, I think. Do you think that he shouldn't be able to pretend to be friends with Harry, or something else? Please, feel free to owl me about this if you want. Yes, Hermione and Harry are a bit young to be engaged but the thing is that he's making all the decisions on a property that is supposedly being bought by Mr. Granger. The reason of course is that Umbridge is unlikely to go looking for property belonging to someone in the Muggle world, but your suggestion is a good one too.

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Review #7, by AnnaKay 

14th April 2008:
I am so sorry. I should have looked to see if anything was up. I am glad that I got to read it today though, good day for an awesome chapter.

I love how you write the Priest. He seem like an completly down to earth kind of guy. I think that you have the emotion of what he is feeling down really well also.

I am glad that Draco started everything out on his own. I think that if Harry would have came, it would not have been such a big thing. Draco did really well though, and I think he is becoming better and better.

Yay, so Harry got his flat. Rather pricey, but what is it to him? I can't wait to see the show-down of Ginny wanting to move in.

Ahh, so the Priest is going to Diagon Alley. I think that he will enjoy it, even if he is completly confuese. I could also very well see Mad-Eye freaking out. It would be awesome!

Great chapter, I loved it. I can't wait for another chapter. You are doing an awesome job, keep it up!

Author's Response: Thanks baby so much!! Now, the apartment exists and I have view it as a prospective buyer. It geb me a real, blasst, pricewise believe me or not I was fairly conservative, the real price today is 1/4 million more! I was awasome to pretend to be able to buy that property!

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Review #8, by Aurora Dawn 

9th April 2008:
Hi Morgana, I'm finally here.

I love these lines :
“Well, Father. I know you probably find this very scary, since of course, you must have had no idea… Now, my view is that God must have given us this gift, if you wish. We are free to use it to do good or to do evil."

You and I have discussed religion before and that's exactly how I feel. I really love how you've done this.

I like the way Draco's character is developing. In some ways it's funny to see him so dependent on Harry, but in other ways it's kind of sad. I almost feel sorry for him but I think that the experience is a good thing. He's still a bit sulky but I notice words like "cowardice", "shame", and "pleading" being used in his vicinity. He's actually starting to see his own flaws which is certainly a step in the right direction.

One little thing -- you mention Draco's eyes being blue. I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure they're gray like his father's. (According to canon).

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review and for following this story all the way.

Yes, I think my Harry is very much voicing my own opinions here, well, these would be my views if the HP world really did exist.

Yes, Draco is changing a bit, I hope in a realistic way though. I see him as someone who has been really spoilt all his life and now things have changed quite a bit. Now, Harry is trying to help him, although Draco taunted him throughout his entire time at Hogwarts and he finds it hard to warm up to him.

Yes, Draco's eyes are grey, although I always viewed grey as a sort of shade of blue, but you're right there.

Thanks so much!


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Review #9, by punk poet 

6th April 2008:
yeah ive caught up. good chapter lke how draco changing. hurry upwith the next chapter please

Author's Response: Well done! You have caught up with me here! I appreciate it so much. Now, Draco, well, yes I had to make it change a bit. I hope he is still realistic and retains some old traits, though.

Thank you so, so much for reading and reviewing the whole story so far. I guess I may get another chapter up in a week or so. x


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Review #10, by Joanne K 

5th April 2008:
I really liked the focus on Draco in this chapter, it is interesting to see how much his personality is changing. He's become a lot softer and is even now beginning to warm to Harry. Great characterisation.

I also like all your references to Muggle (christian) religion, as it is now really starting to play a significant role in the storyline, you have weaved them so subtly throughout the fic leading to the greater role that religion will play. I also liked the reference to Harry's experiences with religion, as obviously this was something not touched upon in JK's version, it was a really good back story.

I did pick up on a few errors (my friends always hated me for doing that at school), I'll PM you with them though, rather than go through them in this review.

I definitely liked this chapter, I can start to see how things are pulling together. ;)

Author's Response: Thanks so much, Jo. Yes, I kind of wanted for Harry and Draco to be almost friends in the end. However, this had to be done really slowly or else it would sound totally unrealistic.

When I read the actual books and the reference to "the power of love" I thought of a couple of things. Firstly, Jesus' teaching about "loving your enemy" and the Pagan idea that if you throw love at the evil spell caster, they cannot harm you, so these notions will be important in the final battle, although not completly fool-proof, perhaps...

I pondered a lot about that the Dursleys would have done in terms of church going. I don't see thenm as spiritual at all, more like they go there because it is expected and I could see them being ashamed of poor Harry.

Yes, by all means, point out the errors and I will correct them.

In terms of things being pulled together, there is another wild card yet, a Muggle parapsychologist; none other that old Riddle's first girlfriend, merely mentioned in canon. She will be in her 90s and will kind of join the quest.

Thanks so much for your comments. I was a bit nervous as to what my Christian readers would make out of this chapter, but so far, it's been good. x


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Review #11, by JLHufflepuff 

5th April 2008:
Wow. This chapter has a lot of different layers to it. First, I really like your characterization of Draco and the way he and Harry are somewhat warming up to each other due to the situation they find themselves in. I find it kind of funny that Draco is now in an actual Muggle's car using a cell phone! It shows that something has come full circle, in my mind. I also like the way you show Draco's emotions - the way he feels kind of forced and trapped.. I mean, he's having to collaborate with Harry, for goodness sakes! I also really like the way you develop Father Sean. You do a great job of showing his open-minded yet skeptical nature. He's true to what he believes - I like the way he gets mad when Draco tries to use bribery to appeal to him. I feel like he's a very real person, and I like him!

Now - onto the themes.. This is getting quite deep, and I think you're soo brave for even going there. I can definitely see why the priest would have qualms about about the whole witchcraft/sorcery thing referenced in Deuteronomy vs. the HP world. I think it makes sense that you associate Voldy with those people instead...

Anyway, I am going to PM you with some other thoughts just to be on the safe side! This is really good, and I think you are just making this deeper and deeper as it goes along.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your very detailed and encouraging review. Yes, it is a controversial topic. I just don't seem to be able to keep away from controversy lol however, I'm very pleased to see that I've not offended anyone yet (fingers crossed). Of course the people who found the real books offensive would not be reading my fic but I really wanted to see how my Christian readers found my priest and the conversation with the kids.

I think Harry is basically expressing my own thoughts here. I guess that if the HP world actually existed, they could not be condemned just for having the ability to do magic. As Harry said, they don't chose it, what they chose is how to use that ability. However, it's still a bit conflicting for the priest given that the Bible has something on the subject which doesn't leave much room for interpretation but I guess that he is more the type to see the meaning of the law (as if were) rather than the letter of it.

I really look forward to your pm and further comments on the subject.

Yes, it's getting deep. I'm very pleased you like Father Sean though. I quite like him too.


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Review #12, by hanoverpretz01 

5th April 2008:
a kind of odd chapter
but okay
keep writing

Author's Response: Thanks for following this all the way and reviewing. Yes, I guess it was odd, maybe even more so that the chapter when Draco and the priest meet. I have this tendency to mix magical and muggle elements a lot.

Thanks for reviewing.


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Review #13, by Labby 

5th April 2008:
Another great chapter as always. I really love how you've added the religious aspect into this story.. it works out so well and is really intriguing. I love Father McKenna's character and how they've exposed him to the magic world. I'm glad that I'm getting read this, as I'm ready to post a chapter about a Muggle being exposed to the Muggle world and it quite a difficult thing to do - to get the reaction of surprise. I thought you did a great job of that.. very believeable. I'm definitely interested to see where this goes from here - a trip to Diagon Alley should be interesting. I'm looking forward to more!

Author's Response: Thanks so much again. Yes, it's always hard to describe how a Muggle would feel about finding out about the magical world. I'd love to read your chapter too, by the way. I'm just so behind with my reading it's shameful. I'm glad that Father Sean's reaction seems believable. I must say I would be pretty taken aback if the HP world really existed, can you imagine?

Diagon Alley, yes, I'd like to make it funny but I'm not yet sure how.

Thanks for your very encouraging review!


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Review #14, by Bella_Portia 

4th April 2008:
Finally got here!. This chapter is all about the scene between Draco (and Harry, but mainly Draco) and the priest. That scene was great, with some wonderful ideas. You are the only person I know to really take on the idea of religion in the Wizard world and its relationship to religion in the Muggle world. Father Sean is a great character.

Forgive me, but . . . my suggestion is that you take a look at the pacing of this chapter up to the main scene. It has a very long lead-in, and I think you want it to be brisk. You are very good at writing dialogue; the reader generally gets the picture with little or no additional description. (I'm referring to the first scene with Harry and Draco, especially, on the issue of dialogue.)
(Don't crucio me, please! I have recently been a madwoman taking an axe to my own chapter.)

Another stylistic issue that I would probably raise if I were beta'ing is that you will often divide a compound sentences with a comma where I would use a semicolon (or break it completely and make two sentences). in other words, some sentences seem run-on to me. But it does not affect the meaning, and if that is the way you prefer to do it, it's your business.

Where Harry says:
“In fact, he expected . . . he may as well offer.” – this struck me as a little odd, since Harry knew Draco spent time with that Muggle priest.

“please stop” (and other places where Harry says "please", in this scene and others) -- I know Harry’s making a special effort to avoid setting Draco off, but maybe this is getting a little too nice.

The statement “You’re going to have to come clean with this guy,” was a little unclear. I think what he meant was, “. . . if you want him to help you.” Perhaps it would have been clearer had Harry expanded a bit.

The paragraph where Harry expresses concern about Draco betraying him to the MOM: I hesitated saying this but . . . you might (again: please don't punish me, mistress!) consider cutting it if the issue is not going to come up later, because you do sacrifice pace to this bit of exposition.

Where “Draco frowned at Harry, feeling a bit baffled. . .” A bit? I owned one of the miserable things for a year before I stopped feeling baffled by it.

Where you write: “The place itself was dominated by a pretty soulless brick building that looked as if it had been constructed in a hurry.” – The nature of this observation suggests it is subjective POV, probably Hermione's. I would include language to make this POV clear. Otherwise, words like “soulless” sound out of place in an ostensibly objective narrative.

On the money transfer: I thought Harry was a little too polite. Also, does Draco know what fifty pounds is worth? Would Harry have to explain it to him in galleons?

Your incantation will work fine, except that I’m pretty sure it should be “finite memoriam mutatam.” (Participial forms like “mutatus” [changed] are First Declension.)
(For the record, I think Finite incantatem would work just as well.)

In the paragraph where you cite Deuteronomy, it seemed wrong to put the Biblical citation in parentheses, simply because people don’t think with parentheses. Perhaps: "The priest remembered the words of Deuteronomy . . ."

In that little entr’acte with Harry and the Grangers being shown the apartment, I’d keep it very short and sweet (but go all out in describing the very best aspects of that place), and then get back to the action with Draco. If you "cut to the chase" with that section and just showed a very happy Harry about to close the deal, I think that would work just as well.
As a reader, I'm not intereted in Harry's adventures in real estate (however fabulous); I want to know what that priest is going to do.

“more either delusional, or worse, heretic people” – LOL just a bit. For my money, the heretics have it all over delusional people. Any day of the week.

“Won’t harm for you two to meet.” – maybe a little awkward. Perhaps “won’t hurt for you two to meet.”

“I believe he’s always had faith in God” – I forgot; but did Draco and Harry ever discuss religion? If not, is there a basis for this statement? Perhaps, “I believe he was raised as a churchgoer” or “raised to believe in God” might sound a little less like Draco is asserting an actual personal knowledge
of Harry that he doesn’t have.

“Father McKenna went to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.” I read this through twice (as well as the sentences preceding it), and I could not find where they went from the Tube station to Father McKenna’s residence.

“ . . .explained how things had got worse after she found out the details of her death, that maybe she was attached to the house he was now living in. . . ” – when did this happen? Maybe I forgot something I read (wouldn't be the first time), but this is something about which I would really have liked details.


Nitpicking: a world teared apart by civil war – torn apart

“McKenna could not help but blame.” I think “blame” needs an object.

unsure as to “weather” wizards – whether

“sooth” – soothe

“it was less of a shock” – suggest: it would be less of a shock.

Okay, Morgana. The queue is open now. I want to know what happens when Father Sean goes to Diagon Alley. I love the idea of Father McKenna encountering Narcissa and performing an exorcism. In fact, the idea of a priest in Grimmauld Place is very cool and very original.

Author's Response: Wow, this review is wonderful because you have put so much into this and your advice is really helpful. In fact, it confirms my theory that there is too much waffle in parts of the chapter. I\'ll go and try to restructure this a bit but I may take a while.

I\'m going to try to reply bit by bit but if it gets too long and the system doesn\'t allow me, I will continue on a pm.

I\'m really glad that you like how I mix religion in both worlds and that you like my OC because he\'s not your average priest. He\'s a little complex too. People have mentioned that it\'s brave on my part to do this but I\'m pleased to see that my Christian readers are fine with this. I guess fundamentalists wouldn\'t be but they wouldn\'t read HP fanfic in the first place, so hopefully I won\'t end up like Salman Rushdie!

About the pacing, I completely agree. Feel free to pm and point out which bits drag the most (I note the one with the estage agent - in a way I was trying to ridiculise how pushy this crowd can be but maybe I over did that and slowed the pace). My other problem is getting from A to B without engaging in extremely boring description, like how they got to Muggle London etc.

Ok, the system won't allow me a long reply so I'll pm you the rest.

Hugs x


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