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32 Reviews Found

Review #1, by datbenik513 

11th May 2009:
Well, I have thought the cliffy would be resolved in a quite different way. To be honest, killing Fleur and Mrs. Granger in one chapter is way too much. Sad, very sad. And just why on Earth did they have to take Mrs. Granger along AT ALL? What chance did she stand against those killing machines, in a situation which was clearly set up, as Hermione already figured it out beforehand?

Anyway, the machine is set into motion, the hunt after Harry's begun and it's not long before another confrontation is due. Beware of the Weasleys!

Author's Response: It seems that you didn't expect what was coming then. I expected some deaths in DH also. Okay, I killed Fleur to make Molly mad (note that she was expected her first grandchild) and Molly is not certainly someone I would wish to cross. Now, Mrs Granger, yes I appreciate that she had no reason to go with the rescue party but she force herself to side-apparate with her daughter. I guess it was just a motherly reaction. I basically wanted someone in the trio other than Harry to suffer a very personal loss. I can be evil, I know... If you thought this was back I wonder what you'll make of my ending (although I haven't got that far yet - but have had it all planned since before DH).

There will be more casualties but not for a while yet.


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Review #2, by SiriuslyPeeved 

5th May 2009:
Ack! You certainly chose some shocking people to kill off! (I won't say whom in the review, just in case somebody stumbles across this before reading the chapter for themselves!)

I love Hermione arguing with Moody, that is a wonderful clash of two "know-it-alls". The humor at the beginning of the chapter, even in the midst of very serious plans for action, is priceless, especially the twins. "We are tricksters, if you must know!" ;)

The battle scene is exciting and well done. (and heartbreaking :( ) One teeny typo that stood out for me, "Sectumsempra."

Petunia's past doings with Snape, that's a shocker as well! You're doing such an excellent job keeping readers on our toes.

Author's Response: I'm so glad that I'm keeping you intrigued. I planned some of the deaths before DH and I didn't get them quite right but they serve the purpose of my plot. Could you see it coming though? I thought there were slight clues but hopefully not obvious ones. I basically wanted some deaths early on (I suspected early casualties in DH) and I thought that it would be in order to make another member of the trio (other than Harry) suffer a very personal loss.

Moody and Hermione, yes, I could see them clashing. In canon they don't interact so much in year 7 and I'm writing my trio here as people who regard themselves now as adults, on an equal footing with the older members.

The twins are hard to write but so much fun!

Thanks for pointing out the typo. As I said, I never manage to catch them all. I'll go and put that right.

Petunia well... I'm not necessarily talking about Lady Chatterley's Lover here but there will be more on that backstory.

I'm so pleased with your reviews. You're a star!


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Review #3, by mickey potter jr fan 

30th December 2008:
Excellent! Love the plot twist. Didn't expect anyone to die. Kind of figured Mrs. Granger but certainly not Fleur! sobs...I'm reading on!

Author's Response: Thanks so much again! I thought there would be deaths early on. This story is not completely an attempt at predicting DH because I included stuff that I was sure wouldn't be in the real book etc but yes, someone had to die soon and I always had a bad feeling about the wedding. Sorry about Fleur!

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Review #4, by Foxtrott 

2nd December 2008:
Hello! (I decided to revert back to English.)

You wrote the action here very well, the story was pumping with adrenaline.

But you killed Fleur! And it was her wedding, no less. :(( Molly's gon' be maddd...

I think I spotted a few punctuation errors... but when I was reading the action, I just forgot. ._.

Great chapter - i enjoyed it immensely.

Anyway, if you have the time, maybe you'd like to check out "The Rose", or "Discretion" (if you were in a comic-relief-needing mood), in my archives. hehe. Thanks :P

I'll review more tomorrow!
Have a supercalafragalistic day! (I resort to gibberish, now.)

Author's Response: Will do; I was in a loop with this account for years lol did no longer have cell phone number or account this was originally linked to lol took a lot of efford and seeing that people still follow may actually prompt me to write more. In fact, I am ashamed that I just run out of steam or something x

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Review #5, by Foxtrott 

2nd December 2008:
Heya! I decided to revert back to English on greetings! :)

I find this story very action-packed, and the way you build up the suspense just thrills me. :P

But it's so sad Fleur died. C'mon - it was her wedding... :( Molly must be really angry...

I think I spotted a few punctuation mistakes, but I was so caught up in the action I forgot where they were. ._.

Hehe, nice story, and great job. :)

Anyroad, if you have the time, perhaps you could check out my one-shot "The Rose", or if you're looking for some comic relief, then perhaps "Discretion". :P Hehe. This is shameless. *Blushes*

Gonna read the next chapt another day... :)
Have a supercalafragalistic day! (I resorted to gibberish instead)

Author's Response: I replied to this review twice and still doesn't show, so oh, well, I'll do that again.

Thanks ever so much for this review. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. I always thought that something was bound to happen at the wedding and I expected some early casualties. Molly, well, she is not very happy as you can well imagine.

I'm so pleased that you enjoyed this chapter. I have now reviewed Rose for you too.

Hugs x


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Review #6, by SpringTime 

12th November 2008:
I am not sure if it was done on purpose, but you have Hermione deciding to go twice. The first time could be because of pressure and the second after she thought it through, but if that is the case you should show that she almost regretted saying it the first time.
I do find some stiffness in your dialogue, and I know you were concerned that you might have too much, and I think that there does need to be some pruning. Sometimes it is better to have someone reflect on a conversation without actually showing it. It does help the story flow a little better.
I am so sad, you weren't kidding about some serious dying coming up. I could feel Molly's rage, that was actually one of my favorite parts.
See you next chapter. :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much again. Yes, my idea re Hermione's decision was that at first she was just trying to prevent her mother from getting into this, then yes, she thinks it through more but I think I may be able to make this a bit clearer.

I must say action scenes have never been my strength and I think you have a point about the need for pruning some of the dialogue.

Oh, did you see this coming? I know that I told you there were going to be casualties but did you guessed who would die? Molly, yes, I wouldn't want to get in her way when she is feeling like that. I love writing Molly though.


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Review #7, by Lynn_Jenny 

27th May 2008:
I absolutely love this story!

--Jenn

Author's Response: Wow, you have really read quite a bit by now.

I replied to your comment saying that chapter is not up yet and it won't be for sometime because other stuff has to happen first but that I can pm it to you, if you wish. The trouble is that chapter contains also a huge spoiler and if I take it out for you, you may not be able to understand Ginny's motives completely, so please pm back and let me know.

I'm impressed that you have read so much and that you're leaving these wonderful, ego-pampering reviews! lol


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Review #8, by Girldetective85 

24th May 2008:
WOW! This was one intense chapter! Action-packed all the way through. I really wish Mrs. Granger hadn't Apparated with Hermione, it seems to me like her presence was somewhat needless and now she has died! She couldn't do much to help aside from calming down Petunia and trying to explain things. Poor Hermione. I felt so bad for Fleur as well, who happened to get into crazy Bellatrix's way - and she was two months pregnant! :( I'm really curious about the connection between Petunia and Snape ... she "went out" with him a few times? Romantically? I guess it would make sense that they had some kind of history since he was so close to her sister. Greyback just can't seem to keep away from Hermione, can he? Even in canon he was always interested in her.

I really enjoy your writing but I think your strongest point is in characterization. I LOVED Mrs. Weasley and how strong and angry she is at the end, because she's just so ... Mrs. Weasley. And when Moody called Bellatrix "that Lestrange bitch," that was pretty amazing! :D Petunia was also great - I think she held up better here than expected, but it may have just been shock at how quickly everything was happening. It's typical that instead of worrying about her nephew's welfare, she would be resentful that he wasn't there to save her neck. I thought Harry was a little apathetic about the whole situation, but that may have been shock as well - but I thought he might have responded a little bit more after learning about Fleur's death rather than lumping it into the rest of the day.

Great chapter! I envy your skill at writing action!! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. It's about time I catch up with your beautiful story too.

Now, I'm so pleased you liked the action, because action writing is not my strong point, I find it really hard to do, actually, although I can eventually enjoy the finished product.

Jane Granger, yes, her death was unnecesary in a way,but I wanted someone in the trio other than Harry to lose someone really, really close to them. I wrote this chapter before DH and decided that there had to be some kind of blood bath.

Poor Fleur as well, I made her pregnant for impact, especially in Molly's book. No-one kills Molly's grandchild and gets away with this. The funniest thing is that I said to a very early reviewer, ok watch out for Molly , not that she kills Bella or anything... and look what happened! lol

I'm really pleased you enjoyed it though and thanks so much! x


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Review #9, by celticbard 

2nd May 2008:
What an action-packed chapter! Quite different from the last one, I must say. Ah, poor Bill and Hermione. I cannot even begin to imagine how they will cope with their loss. But I suppose it is sort of a bittersweet blessing that Fleur died happy, on her wedding day. And Mrs. Granger is indeed a hero.

I am really curious to find out exactly how Aunt Petunia was involved with Snape. I'm certain she's still hiding things from Harry, but what?

Harry's guilt was also quite in-character, though I can certainly tell he is still young and inexperienced through his frequent outbursts. Sacrificing himself would get the Order nowhere and in the end, his death wouldn't be an act of altruism, but folly.

I'm really looking forward to the next chapter. How will Harry and the Order proceed? And will they indeed let their thirst for revenge cloud their nobility?

I only noticed a few minor errors in this chapter. They are as follows.



because his aunt's house is protected, until the day Harry becomes of age."
This should be, until the day Harry comes of age.


Hermione didn't know what to do for the best.
I think this would sound better as, Hermione didn't know what would be best.


The others cannot, but they need better protection that this,
This should be, than this


Moody came to her aid. "Confringo!" he called while making a motion with his hand for the Order members to keep away.,
Punctuation typo! ^_^ You only need the period at the end of this sentence, not the comma.


Jane and Hermione, leaded by Tonks, went right into the kitchen / dining area.
This should be, led by Tonks


"We have been to a wedding. He is not been allowed to come, he had a bit to drink," explained Hermione as if trying to let Petunia into a secret.
This should be, He has not been allowed to come


"This isn't true!" Hermione protested.
This should be. "That isn't true!"


Tonks took her hand to Hermione's mouth urging her to be silent.
This should be, Tonks put her hand to


"Of course I am serious." She paused for breath. "And, by the way, the man you all blame is not the man you think," she added, talking like in riddles.
This should be, she added, talking in riddles.


'It was a wedding, we were all a bit drank.
This should be, we were all a bit drunk.


Remus and Molly were so deep in conversation that didn't notice him.
This should be, that they didn't notice him.


Thanks again for giving me the opportunity to look this over, morgana! Good luck!

Best,
celticbard

Author's Response: Awsome review again! and so detailed. I have now amended all the chapters you've reviewed for me.

Yes, it's sad but I thought someone had to die early on, but not one of the trio, and I always guessed that something would happen at the wedding. Too many people knew about it...

As for the Order losing their noble principles, well, Hermione might not have had the willpower to actually kill but she wasn't far off. She would not have even thought of an unforgivable had her mother not been murdered immediately before. Molly, on her part is now truly furious and I wouldn't mess with her! In fact it's funny because in one of my early replies to a review of this chapter, I joked saying that people should take Molly seriously, but well that I wasn't saying that she would kill Bella or anything, and then look what happened in DH! lol If I were Bella I would have been a bit superstitious about having killed a pregnant woman but of course, she didn't know that. Later on, Molly will have the consolation of another grandchild but she will always feel a terrible vacuum about Bill's and Fleur's baby. Also, although Fleur comes across as annoying, I always thought about her as a pretty brave person, not just a silly blond, but poor Bill indeed!

Hermione will be awfully upset but she will try, in the main, to carry on regardless, I see her as the practical type but Harry will encourage her to externally grieve later on, well, he should know about these matters! You will get to see a bit more about Mr Granger later too. He's the quiet but practical and serene type and Jane was brave, so I guess I show Hermione as having inherited characteristics from both her parents.

Harry would have been stupid indeed to give himself up, but, yet again, it must be an awful feeling that all these people keep on getting killed when Voldy primarily wants him, as he sees Harry as the main thread. Of course what Harry doesn't realise is that even if he died, as long as Voldemort remained alive, the killings wouldn't end.

Petunia, well, she is an envious person and although she despiced Snape, she wanted whatever Lily could have... I guess that she knew Snape but not that they were neighbours (although I incorporate this later as it seemed fitting).

Also, thanks again for spotting all these errors.


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Review #10, by Shellee 

16th April 2008:
Dramarama alright. Nice chapter. I don't see why Jane side-apparated with Hermione, she isn't magical, she really couldn't have done anything and she was in the way, now she died. Hmm, it indeed sounded so easy. I wonder why. Death Eaters wouldn't go simple, even for Harry, specially for Harry. Indeed, how did they know anything about Petunia? Snape probably got a big hand in it, didn't he? Though Petunia doesn't make him seem bad, gives me a bbit of hope. Still, two people died, what was the use then? I've really gotten confused as to why this all happened. I didn't expect Fleur to die, at all, specially not if she was pregnant. What's up with Petunia though? Really, really confused.
Gonna read on to figure it out, hopefully! =p

Author's Response: Thanks so much again. Sorry if this was a bit confusing in terms of where I'm heading to. Well, there had to be some early deaths, basically to prove how much in danger everyone is. Snape? maybe... If you think it was staged, well, I think the reason why is sort of obvious. People do die in these situations. It was extremely foolish of Jane to jump the gun like that but I think she panicked and she was to eager to help. Well I have to kill some people who would have an impact on some of the main characters but I couldn't touch the actual trio (well, at least no yet...). You will find out about Snape sooner than it was revealed in canon, though.

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Review #11, by Mrs_Sirius_Black_4eva 

11th April 2008:
Wow, I am absoluely amazed with this chapter! It was so good! It was sad, but it was still fantastic. I think I noticed a little typo when Harry and Petunia were talking, but everything else seemed alright to me. Keep up the fabulous work!
10/10

Author's Response: I'm so fkattered, especially because I don't think I'm an action writter, so this truly makes my day! Please, point out the typo and I'll get it changed.

Very impressed with your review!


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Review #12, by Ginerva_Potter 

5th April 2008:
This is a very fast paced chapter with a lot of action. I liked the general outline of the chapter, but I do have several concerns.

Plot:
- First Section -- I'm conflicted about how I feel about the beginning of this chapter. Mad-Eye seemed a little bit out of character, but I can't put my finger on how. He was rough, but that's like Mad-Eye. He was barking orders, and that was like Mad-Eye too. I like the bit where he took Hermione's advice, thought about it, then changed his mind (about protecting the Burrow). Hmm. I still can't figure it out. I think maybe it wasn't so much the character that was out of place, but the way you were expressing him. Maybe it was his language that threw me for a loop. He called Hermione, "my dear know-it-all" and that seemed a bit demeaning. If you take that out, I think the rest fits as him just being outraged that the Death Eaters got Petunia so easily. Also, he calls Fleur "Princess" and Hermione "missus". I think in this kind of emergency situation, he would have dropped the niceties for those he was familiar with. If you don't think he was that familiar with Fleur, he probably would have just called her "Ms. Weasley" (or slipped up with a "Miss Delacour") and Hermione probably would have just been "Granger". Also, I don’t think Molly would have been so keen for the Grangers to help with Muggle Medicine practices, especially with Arthur's previous encounter with stitches. Of course, she wouldn’t have been so blunt about it, but maybe would have just suggested they stay and help without mentioning their medical abilities.
- Second Section -- I understand you need this to happen for the story, but it just didn't make sense to me that Jane Granger would run out to help Fleur while Hermione stayed behind to comfort Petunia. Jane is the one who relates to Petunia best and is the least helpful in the fight. Plus, Hermione knows Fleur, so she would be more likely to want to rush out and help.
- Fifth Section -- There's still no mention of Bill. His wife just died, and his unborn child; you need to comment about him. In this section, it seems as if you are deliberately ignoring his presence because you don't even mention him apparating back. I understand you may not want to focus on him. But maybe even just a few sentences would suffice. (Ex. "Bill was standing stone-still next to Tonks. His angry outburst gave way to overwhelming grief after realizing all the Death Eaters were gone. Tears were now streaming silently down his scarred cheeks. Unsure of whether he would be able to Apparate on his own, Tonks took his arm lovingly, and turned on the spot.") Also, Harry's argument with Petunia was confusing. It was hard to tell what was going on. I think you had an idea of what the characters were saying, but then didn't explain it enough in the writing.

Grammar:
- Not bad. Only one stuck out at me: "Jane and Hermione, leaded by Tonks, went right into the kitchen / dining area." It should be "lead," not "leaded."

General comments:
- Overall, some parts needed a bit more description. Harry and Petunia's argument is one. I also think you might be able to do the whole section rescuing Petunia in more detail. I think you are falling into the trap of wanting to make a section fast paced, and try to accomplish it with quick writing (a mistake I often make myself! It is really hard to overcome). What we have to realize as writers is that a scene can be fast and not rushed. Just think of JKR's works. How many times does she make the last 100 pages or so a very quick paced event? It's crazy! She takes the time with detail but somehow manages to keep everything happening quickly.
- Fleur dying is so so sad! *tear*
- You had an amazing sentence that I just had to point out. "Above, a wand held by a black clad hand aimed downwards." The wording of this is just fantastic. It is so descriptive, yet vague. Even so, we know exactly whose hand it is. It was just perfect!

Anyway, I hope this helps! This was such a fast paced chapter and you moved the plot along a lot! I'm excited to hear about what happens next! Good job!

Author's Response: Thanks so much again for your wonderfully detailed review.

I struggled with this chapter quite a bit because writing action is not one of my strengths. I wanted some casualties early on, and of course I couldn't touch the trio just yet. I really wanted for one of them, other than Harry to suffer a very emotional loss.

I can see how this may have been a bit rushed though. I think this may have been the chapter I have ammended the most and still is not quite right.

Mad-Eye was being a bit panicky and rude. When he calls Fleur "princess" is actually being more rude than nice. He has little time for people who seem more worried about the shade of their fingernails, yet, of course, Fleur turns out to be a very brave woman. I think she is like that in canon. She is very image conscious but she was the champion for her school in the Triwizarding Tournament and also her reaction when Bill was bitten was fairly impressive. Bill, yes, maybe I need to describe his emotions more. He's just hard to write because there is so little canon on him to go by.

Thanks so much and yes, your comments are very appreciated and helpful.


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Review #13, by Renfair 

3rd April 2008:
Well, I was definitely apprehensive when Mrs. Granger ended up Apparating with them. Ugh, couldn't they have just FORCED her to stay behind? Or gone out and bought her a gun? :) So far your story seems a lot like DH, where a lot of really main characters are just dropping dead suddenly left and right. Personally, I think that's cool cause it's more realistic. Important people do get killed in wars, and the "good guys" are never invulnerable. Really liked this line by Severus, by the way: "This is all subjective, is it not?"

Holy crap! Severus dropped the f-bomb! Heh heh, I think maybe you already had him do that before in the story, but I can't remember. Anyway, if you did, it surprised me again. I dunno, for some reason I think the idea of him swearing like that is so insanely HOT.

And Petunia dated Severus? Woah woah woah! You're just dropping a billion surprises in this chapter! And I like how totally kick-butt Mrs. Weasley gets at the end of it. Mom power!

Author's Response: Wow, Renny, you're making my day with these in-depth reviews.

Mrs Granger and Fleur, yes I thought I gave it a bit away by the fact that no-one wanted them there. Jane, bless her had to die because I wanted someone in the trio other than Harry to suffer a very personal loss, in a way to fuel the anger...Fleur, well, a bit melodramatic to die on your wedding night, but yes, war is just that cruel, even for Muggles, things like that happen. That's why I appreciate so much what your husband does, the risks he takes. I also wanted to explore Hermione's family a bit more, the father will come into it later, and, in my opinion, he's a fairly cool guy as a parent. I would say Moody in DH was more of a central characters that the ones I've gone for, but this is just the beginning. I couldn't touch the trio, yet... It's often the good guys who die anyway, the baddies tend to be more cunning.

Sevvy and the "f" word. I just had to put it there. Ok, Sev is a working class kid who aspires to aristocracy (DE) in his youth and speaks extremelly elocuently. Yes, as a professor, we have not seen in "battle" before, I guess, like when he hits the firewhiskey in your story, the man is not trainee, after all he has one of the most dangerous jobs on Earth, get it out of your system, Sevvy! No, he didn't swear before in this story. Actually, this chapter got rejected at the time for that very word. Then, all I had to do was either delete word or upgrade to mature language, I did both. I took it off first, then I thought, it's coming back with the warning! Yes, Sevvy swearing is sexy because it proves that even he can lose control.

I must confess, I got the Tunny/Sevvy idea from a JKR interview before DH when she said that she had her own secrets... Now, I guess she changed her mind. They were not Lady Chatterley and Mellors, but ok, I guess his friendship with Lily totally, now that they were neighbours I did not but later I incorporated this because I thought it just fit nicely. This entire chapter was written before DH though.

Thanks so much babe, I'm so behind with your story too, and I can't wait either.


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Review #14, by punk poet 

1st April 2008:
great chapter i like the idea your've got. i wished tonks would of killed bellatrix

Author's Response: Ah, well, Bella... I always thought she had to die in DH so she probably will here too... but no yet...

I'm glad you have read and reviewed so much. I'm very grateful and I hope you continue to enjoy it.


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Review #15, by juls 

23rd March 2008:
amazing... and sad. I've always liked Fleur, but then again I'm enchanted by all things French, so her accent doesn't bother me. It's truly sad that she died, and Mrs Granger. Bellatrix has really stuck herself into a corner now. Hopefully her 'comedown' will be wonderfully done. (I've never liked Bella...)

Poor Hermione, it's going to take alot for her to work through this =/

Wow.. you were correct that Petunia knew Snape, and well. Bravo on that =). So did she go willingly? I hope not. But kudos to Snape for keeping Greyback from touching Hermione.

Great chapter dear... sad but great.

~~juls

Author's Response: Yes, sorry to kill them but I had to kill some characters early on and it was too soon to touch the trio! I also made Fleur pregnant to make Molly truly mad!

Yes, Bella has got all the raffle tickets to get herself killed and she will get killed but that takes us nearly to my intended sequel, when she is dead...

Snapey, well, read on because he will cry and buckets!


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Review #16, by Gords7015 

17th March 2008:
I know how hard it is to kill characters (I had to do it in mine), so this must have been hard to write. I think that you can maybe tighten up the section where Petunia talks to Harry, as it sounds a little awkward. Also, I don't know if I buy that Jane would go on a deadly mission. Sorry, I just can't see it...

Otherwise, I'm curious about Snape and him dating Petunia! Nice chapter!

Author's Response: Well, somoneone had to go early on I thought and I put Jane there because I wanted someone other than Harry in the trio to suffer a very personal loss, yes, perhaps it's a bit far fetch, but people can panick in danger situations and be a bit out of character. It was too early in the story for a main character such as one of the trio to be killed off. Yes it was sad to write, especially the Bill and Fleur scene. Petunia holds some details which would be important later and well, she is talking about Snape. They didn't actually date as such thought, they were never Romeo and Juliet. This obviously all links back to Lily. Thanks so much again for reviewing and for your tips.

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Review #17, by AnnaKay 

17th March 2008:
First of all, Happy St. Patties Day! I like how Moody takes charge and thank goodness he does not allow Harry to go along because that is what they were looking for.

It is so sad that Fluer and Mrs. Granger died. If she would have listened she would have still been alive. Wow, quite a bit of information from Petunia, and about only half of it made sense.

Harry really needs to get over his everything is my fault, and realize he can only do what he can do.

Author's Response: Happy St Paddy's Day to you too! and thanks for reading and reviewing so much so far.

Yes, Moody is a bit crackers but he has his head screwed on in situations like that, after all, that's what he's trained for.

The deaths, well, there had to be some early casualties. I didn't want to kill off a main character so early on but there had to be deaths affecting other characters.

Petunia, well, she has dropped some bombshells there. You will get to find out more later on. I wrote this before DH, so it was actually my guess that she did actually know Snape (although not that they lived in the vecinity). I include this element later on (but that was written after DH but since I have nearly guessed, well).

Harry, yes, poor soul. He is aware that he's Voldy's main target and I reckon it would be difficult to to blame yourself in the cirmcustances but yes, he needs to move on a bit otherwise he would just go mad (which wouldn't be good).


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Review #18, by Aurora Dawn 

18th February 2008:
Hi Morgana,

My overall general impression of this chapter is that it's horrific --- but I mean that in a good way as I assume that's the impression you were going for. What really makes it work is the set up from the first chapter. The wedding is written so beautifully and there's so much humor in the scene that your readers are just completely broadsided with this one. Very well done.

And I absolutely loved Moody calling Bellatrix "that Lestrange bitch". If you haven't already heard my opinion about her, it isn't very.nice.Yay for Moody.

One thing that didn't seem quite right is the way Hermione's mother ends up in the thick of things. Hermione is smart enough that she ought to have been able to prevent it. If it had been me, I'd have had her mother grab hold of her arm just before Hermione apparated, therefore coming along at the last minute completely against Hermione's will.

I think Petunia is entirely too calm. I keep remembering her reactions to magic when Hagrid walked in the door or Mr. Weasley came in through the fireplace. I think she'd be in absolute hysteric through part of this.unless...you want to make it look like a lot of that aversion to magic comes from her being around Vernon. Maybe she feels she has to act like that for his sake, which I actually think is pretty possible. She lived with a witch sister for many years, after all.

Any time Fenrir is inserted into a scene like this, it raises the horror factor by about one hundred percent. Putting Snape in a position where he actually has to lay hands on him is just mean to poor Snape. Watching Snape here is painful, by the way because of the precarious position he's in. He's trying hard to keep people alive without looking like he is.

Mrs. Weasley's reaction to Fleur's death was certainly dead on. Like at the end of DH, she's in what I like to call 'mama bear mode'.

I did catch a few typos and things, and there's something else I noticed. You have a habit of splitting up quotations. Let me show you an example--

'Hermione is right," shouted Molly Weasley. "Mrs Granger hasn't a chance against Death Eaters."

"Jane, if you want to be of service," continued Molly kindly, "stay here and care for the wounded on their return, you are knowledgeable. Use your skills like this. There will be plenty of opportunity, no doubt. Look what happened to my son, bitten by a werewolf! No offence, Remus," she whispered to Lupin.

If you're starting a second paragraph in which the same person is speaking without a break, you don't need to close the quotations on the first paragraph. Like this (See how I changed the quotes) :

"'Hermione is right," shouted Molly Weasley. "Mrs Granger hasn't a chance against Death Eaters.

Jane, if you want to be of service," continued Molly kindly, "stay here and care for the wounded on their return, you are knowledgeable. Use your skills like this. There will be plenty of opportunity, no doubt. Look what happened to my son, bitten by a werewolf! No offence, Remus," she whispered to Lupin.

But of course, I'm an English STUDENT. Jessi is an English TEACHER, so if I were you, I might put a post in the grammar section of the forums to let her weigh in.

And actually, if it had been me, I'd have left it all one paragraph anyway.

(And please don't hit me for being so critical -- I do think you're doing a great job)

Author's Response: Don't worry about being too critical, that's how we all learn. Also, it shows that when you give praise it's not just sugar-coating.

I loved that you said that it was "horrific", I knew exactly what you meant and took it as a compliment.

Jane Granger, yes, I gather Hermione might have been able to forsee this but I needed for her to die, well, I just wanted someone in the trio other than Harry to suffer a very personal loss but I wasn't really ready to kill off a main character at this stage.

Petunia, well, there are two things here, yes she has known magic. She dislikes it mainly because she cannot do it and Lily did and so does Harry. However, there is another reason, there will be a hint in the next chapter but the full explanation as to her sort of coping with it, will come as late as chapter 22, in a conversation between Hermione and Petunia.

Snapey, well, it's the story of his life. I wrote this before DH so I guess I got him right. Also, about Molly, I replied to one of my early reviewers jokingly that "well, not that she will kill Bella or anything but..." and this was before DH too. I feel very proud of that actually. Of course she is mummy bear. Now that she has finally accepted Fleur and she is having her first grandchild. I'm evil, I know... Mind you, a bit of a spoiler, she will have another grandchild before this story is over. I suspected early deaths in DH too I was just not sure who it would be.

Now, the dialogue being split, yes, I do have this tendency. Is this wrong? Sorry, this came out really flippant, I was merely asking though. Also, I was not aware about the rule re quotation marks. Maybe we do it different here, like the open punctuation, but I'm happy to take advice, in fact, grateful.

One of the wonderful things about the forums is that some many people have skills that can help us with, like I have done with the English legal system and even Spanish phrases. It's great to have English grads and undergrads on board, there ready for us to ask. In a way, it becomes a bit of a team effort which of course is extremely team building.

All I got to say is that you are an absolute star!


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Review #19, by shadowkitty22 

12th January 2008:
Well damn that certainly sucked. I mean I knew Jane was going to die but Fleur and the fact that she was pregnant was rater shocking.

And when you say that Petunia "went out with him a couple of times, nothing really significant", do you mean that she went on dates with Snape?

Emilie
=^_^=

Author's Response: I'm soooo... sorry! I predicted that there had to be early deaths in DH, so that's how I approached this. Now, Fleur being pregnant and dying just after Molly has begun to take to her. Well, I wrote this before DH but watch out for Molly because I wouldn't think I could kill her grandchild and live to tell the tale! I wanted to make Molly trully mad! I thought killing the bride may be a little melodramatic but someone had to go and it was too early for one of the trio (not saying that I ever do this or that I don't).

Now, Petunia/Snape, well they weren't Romeo and Juliet. I guessed that he was in love with Lily but ok, they may have gone to the pictures or something, hence, of course, Hermione's need to contact her!

Thanks so much again!

Hugs x


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Review #20, by DragonGoddess 

24th December 2007:
So many causalities!! You're so mean, you know that? You killed Fleur :( How could you!!

Moody was an arse, I know he always was, but the words from his mouth made me feel like it was someone else. Of course, JKR would never include such swearing so we wouldn't know. And also, he was quite drunk. Heh, in two sentence I've managed to contradict my own statement!

This chapter was...fast paced! I didn't notice any errors as such, but it did seem a little too quick. One minute Jane dies and next minute Fleur does. I don't know, maybe you could've slowed down that bit. But of course with war...GRR. I must stop doing this.

Anyways, I'm very much going to continue reading this awesome story of yours! You too guessed Lily/Snape ship? Wow. That's uber cool!!

Author's Response: Well, I thought the real book had to have early casualties too! Well they turned out to be Hedgwig and Moody. I quite like Moody but yes I imagine him a little rough. Of course, because this is rated mature I can get them to act how I actually think they would and I get a few of the characters would swear at some point, even Severus! of course.

I know I'm mean. I'm sorry. You probably will hate me forever at the end, because this is just a starter, so to speak, there are going to be more casualties ... but yes, they are living through war.

Yes, everything up to chapter 14 was writen before DH, so yes, I guess Lily/Sevvy. There is another ship with him too.

Maybe I killed them both too quickly and Moody, did you think he was out of character? because he might have been actually. I like him actually but yes I think he is capable of being pretty rude.

Thanks so much for this!


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Review #21, by kara101 

16th December 2007:
Back again

Very,Very sad. Why did you have to kill Fleur and her baby and Mrs. Granger? By the way little thing, when you say Mrs or Mr there needs to be a period after the r in Mr or s Mrs. Otherwise wonderful job.The description was good and the plot is getting better and better.

Author's Response: Well, yes some people had to die early on! I thought someone would die in canon early too (well it was Moody and it happened very early indeed and well, poor Hegwig! - never thought of killing her myself!). Well, Fleur's baby is going to make Molly truly mad, as you can well imagine. Were the deaths unexpected. I thought something had to happen at the wedding because, well, they hadn't been particularly discreet about it, hadn't they? The Death Eaters were bound to know about it. I hope I did not upset you too much lol

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Review #22, by Bella_Portia 

11th November 2007:
A lot happens in this chapter, and it certainly moves the plot along.
Despite the activity, it doesn't carry quite as much interest for me as the previous chapters. I think this is because it seemed a bit chaotic.
Jane Granger had potential, but she's barely introduced, and then she's dead. The revelation -- that she was a witch without knowing it (assuming I read the line correctly) -- is HUGE. It is worthy of a story of its own; certainly, its implications would sidetrack your novel. It doesn't really advance the plot (quite the contrary). Even if she is a witch, allowing an untrained neophyte to come along on a dangerous mission seems ill-considered by Moody and cruel, for being suidical.

I could see how the plotting necessitated sending Fleur (although see my comment below about the lack of sober Order members), because they were shorthanded and needed her. If so, the death of a pregnant woman more than fulfills any need for pathos. If you are going to off Fleur, you could leave poor Dr. Granger back at the Burrow.

Petunia is a singularly unpleasant woman but, hey, she's been captured by two of the most sadistic individuals on the DE payroll (Bellatrix and Grayback), she's apparently in one piece, she's being rescued by Harry's wizard cronies -- hard to believe that ever Petunia would be anything but incredibly grateful to be getting out alive. Didn't buy the whining about Harry letting her down and the school for freaks. Not in this situation.

Snape's little scene was very good -- very much in character, dialogue felt right. I'd have dropped the "Miss philospher" as too talky for the situation, but that's me, and that's my only criticism on that scene.
I also liked the brief POV scene in which Harry worried about becoming another Moody.
The following scene, which is dominated by Petunia -- I had some problems with. That Hermione would collapse in grief after her mom was suddenly and unexpecedly killed -- fits perfectly. That Harry would find it hard to understand -- no; he lives with grief and bereavement. I realized this is AU world, but a Harry without empathy is not Harry. Similarly (although later in the scene) the statement, "this just gets better by the minute" stuck me as rather cold when Harry responded to news of the loss of Fleur and her unborn baby.

Also, Petunia's bombshell revelation, that she used to date Snape (again, my reaction was, did I read this right?) is huge. Harry reacts more or less correctly, but it was a very odd thing to be tying together. Given that Petunia knew him and described him acting in a benign way, but he took care not to see "us" harmed when "she" went to pick up the car. So to whom does the plural refer -- her and who else?
Also, even if one of the kidnappers is her old boyfriend telling her everything will be fine, it's a vicious thing to do, and the others are a extremely nasty customers, and Petunia hates magic in any form, I can't imagine Petunia taking this as calmly as she does. Even though she's sort of reconciling with the nephew.
Also don't see why Vernon would reject her for being kidnapped -- surely he'd just place the blame on Harry's lot.

Just on a more general note, it seemed that since security was obviously such issue, Moody would have identified a minimum number of people who were required to abstain, so they could wield a wand, if necessary, without impairment. (In all honesty, I don't remember this being an issue DH or how it was handled, if at all.)

The final scene was emotionally on the money.

Please excuse the length. I know this is the most critical review to day; but please bear in mind that the only reason these reviews are so long is that I am truly enjoying your story.

Author's Response: Again, thanks so much for your very well-thought out comments. I have since changed this chapter, but not posted it yet, I think I'll do it today.

Now, the main thing that I'm changing has to do with Jane Granger. She still dies (because I wanted someone else in the trio to experience the loss of a close one) and I wanted some deaths early on. What I change is that Moody won't just go recruiting her like that. She will hold on to her daughter and force herself there. Why, well because she is keen to help and she underestimates the danger and I have deleted the bit about her being a witch because, you are right, it becomes another sub-plot which is hard to explore.

Now, Moody should have kept them sober but I guess he has concentrated on protecting the Burrow etc and has overlooked that people like the twins would get a bit wasted. Fleur, well she is a brave girl, from what we know from the Triwizard tournament and when Bill gets attacked, so she would be hard to stop.

Petunia, again, I did drop the bit about the school for freaks, but she will still be a bit mad at Harry for getting drunk. Now, her and Snape... Harry will ask Lupin and it will more or less become clear that it wasn't a blown up romance, but he was Lily's friend (I actually guessed that!) and they may have gone out on the odd ocassion, maybe she liked him more than she is letting on... There is quite a bit on Snape's crushes etc in this story. Now, as for Vernon, I guess she doesn't want him to find out how much she actually knew about the magical world before Harry was dumped on their doorstep and especially that she knew Snape! I also thought that something had to make Harry re-think about Snape and Petunia would be the least likely person in his mind to come on his defence. And well, this is kind of canon, Petunia hates magic because she is unable to do it!

Ah, last point I think, Harry is empathetic with Hermione and he does certainly understand what she is going through. Ron is too but he doesn't really know what to do, how to help because he hasn't got Harry's experience on the matter. Maybe this came across differently.

Ah, when Harry says"this just gets better by the minute" of course is being very ironic. I think this is one of his ways of expressing anger, but maybe not the most appropriate. I'll give it a thought, though.

I'm grateful for the length of the review and I find criticism can be very helpful. I'm re-editing most of this story mainly trying to spot inconsistencies etc, so I will let you know when the new version of this chapter is up. I hope you still enjoy reading this because there is still a lot in the pipeline and as I said you have been really helpful by pointing things out that don't make a huge amount of sense.

Hugs x


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Review #23, by GoCalgaryFlamesGo 

26th October 2007:
Oh my god! The ending! and the deaths! and the exclamation marks in my review!

Lol, couldn't resist :P I liked this chapter, it was good to see some action. Plus, I loved how Moody took control at the start, he is another character that I really like and how you wrote him, fit his character, in my opinion.

Favorite line "Those of you who aren't drunk, and I mean, WHO AREN'T DRUNK "shouted Moody "come with me!" Alastor looked around for a response. "They want the boy, but the boy is not going anywhere!" he continued.

Author's Response: Yes, I thought Moody had to be the one in command here. Were the deaths unexpected? I hope so, but again, I guess it was predictable that something would happen at the wedding.

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Review #24, by jyyl94 

12th October 2007:
A much more eventful chapter, though I've got tons of things to point out. You don't mind that, do you ? Because it'll definitely benefit you if I point these mistakes out. This chapter isn't your best, so I do hope you consider my words.

"Those of you who aren't drunk, and I mean, WHO AREN'T DRUNK "shouted Moody "come with me!" Alastor looked around for a response. "They want the boy, but the boy is not going anywhere!" he continued. This sentence has to be changed, so it'll turn out like this, ""Those of you who aren't drunk, and I mean, WHO AREN'T DRUNK," shouted Moody, "Come with me!" Alastor looked around for a response. "They want the boy, but the boy is not going anywhere!" he continued. The way you portrayed Moody was definitely like him, but do try to keep to the same use of name, like when you said "shouted Moody" and then you changed it to "Alastor looked around .."

"Professor Moody" Hermione's voice raised again. "This is a trap, like the one at the Ministry, don't you see? It cannot be true, she cannot have been taken and you know it, because his aunt's house is protected, until the day Harry becomes of age." Again, this sentence has to be changed, so it'll be, ""Professor Moody," Hermione's voice raised again. "This is a trap, like the one at the Ministry, can't you see it ? It cannot be true, she cannot have been taken and you know it, because his aunt's house will be protected, until the day Harry becomes of age."

"Avada Kedavra." yelled a female voice. Bill and Tonks took cover but Jane Granger was hit and toppled down the stairs. She lay as if asleep, her lifeless eyes staring at the ceiling. Change this sentence, and it'd be, ""Avada Kedavra !" yelled a female voice. Bill and Tonks took cover but Jane Granger was hit and toppled down the stairs. She lay as if asleep, her lifeless eyes staring at the ceiling. You should just use the first name of a person, instead of saying Jane Granger all the time. Just use the name Jane.

There were quite a number of mistakes in this chapter, so you might want to go through it again. Descriptions were okay, but I want you to go back to how you wrote the first chapter of this story. The way you wrote it that time, it was unbelievable. God, I sound like a know-it-all ==" . Anyway, great job on this story, I'm totally hooked to it !




Author's Response: Thanks for this again, yes, I see where I have gone wrong, apart from a couple of points I'm confuse about:

1. I note that you start some sentences with two sets of quotations marks. I didn't know that was the correct way.

2. "the house is protected, until the day he becomes of age" being changed to "will be protected". It was my impression that the future tense comes into place when the action is to commence in the future, of course here the house is already protected but this action will last until a point in the future. Not sure, just a little confused. How you did it sounds right in my mind too, though.

You mention the first chapter, ok, what in particular did you like there so much, I mean, I would like to go back to writing like in that chapter, but I'm not sure what aspects you like although you did review it, so I'll go back to your review. I'll probably owl you though. Thanks so much for reviewing all that, x.


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Review #25, by JLHufflepuff 

4th October 2007:
Voldy better watch out for Molly Weasley when she gets pissed! Anyway, I can't believe those two died! Aunt Petunia needs to cut Harry some slack. It couldn't help it if he was stunned! RRR!

Author's Response: Well, I wrote this before DH and in one of my replies to a review of this chapter, I joked saying that maybe Molly kills Bella! Well... when it happened in canon I was shocked! I had to killed someone off at this stage and I always predicted that something would happen at the wedding. I think I made Fleur be pregnant to get all the anger out of Molly, who by the way, I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side off. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing and I hope you are still enjoying this. I found this chapter hard to write because I'm not very good at battle/action scenes. Hugs.

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