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37 Reviews Found

Review #1, by jj 

9th March 2012:
story is getting better every chapter

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Review #2, by datbenik513 

11th May 2009:
A very important chapter concerning a conflict between two worlds.

A Wizarding kid and a Muggle priest. You know, when I read a story, I always try to visualize things. Father McKenna is the typical one, as priests of small parishes are always depicted in cheap Hollywood movies. Between 50-60 years of age, shabby, of course of Irish origin, every now and then having deep conversations with a bottle of Jameson. Due to your perfect characterization, these images were extremely vivid.

The collision of a Pureblood wizard distasting Muggles with the Muggle world can deliver some hilarious moments and this chapter has quite a few of them. Extremely well written, on the whole.

Author's Response: Oh, there is another chapter much later on when Harry and Draco take poor old Father Sean to Diagon Alley.

Actually, some readers thought that a Catholic priest ought to be more formal. I see him as a no-nonsense working class background chap who is almost a social worker in all but name. I come from a Catholic background myself (Spanish mother) so I went for a tried and tested faith. I based him a bit on a priest I had as a child who was excellent and on a teacher I had once also. This OC has been quite well received in the main, the other one will be almost the opposite, a very elderly lady who is an upper class English aristocrat and a parapsychologist. I look forward to writing their interaction.

I don't think I'm a master at humour but I like to throw a bit of it in to lighten up what it would otherwise be a pretty dark and sad story.


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Review #3, by SiriuslyPeeved 

3rd May 2009:
I absolutely love Draco's scene with Father McKenna. It is beautifully done. Muggle and Wizarding worlds collide in such a well thought-out way. I'm intrigued at how Father McKenna and Draco, using the word "Lord," are just missing each other's point so completely. For Voldemort, organized-crime boss is actually a very good parallel.

Tiny quibbles from my inner copy editor: Your chapter image seems to be broken on this page.

In the first paragraph, you use "ok" as the last word rather than spelling out "okay." Could be a typo, or it could be an okay ;) spelling in UK English, but maybe worth checking into?

Author's Response: I often like to include a little humour in what is essentially a drama story. There is a chapter later on in which Father Sean is taken to Diagon Alley. I'm tempted to tell you more but don't want to spoil it.

One of the advantages of writing fanfic is that we don't need to keep the story suitable for a younger audience; for instance, I don't think Jo could have included Muggle religion without starting up yet more controversy.

I'll take a look at this image and see if I can fix it. The okay thing, well I think we use the abreviation in UK English but since various people pointed out, I started writing it in full. I'm still not sure if using the abreviation is correct or not but, as I'm in doubt, I'm now using the full word.

Thanks so much again.


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Review #4, by Foxtrott 

30th November 2008:
Hey there. :)

It's great that you dedicated an entire chapter to the subplot about Draco, I was getting extremely curious. :P

I spotted a few grammatical errors, but when I looked again, I could only find one:

"I see..." McKenna said, (the comma.) somewhat unconvinced.

All-righty, on to the next chapter. :)

Author's Response: Oh, thanks so much for getting back to this and for reviewing too.

Draco will play a much larger part in this story than he did in DH.

Thanks for spotting the comma business, I'll go and change that.

I'm really pleased you are enjoying this still. x


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Review #5, by SpringTime 

11th November 2008:
A couple of grammar issues, not may though and some may have been typos. I thought that this was an interesting chapter, and I like Draco's sarcasm, I just wish that there had been more of it, especially before the priest threatened to call the police. I don't even know if Draco would have known what they were seeing as how he didn't take muggle studies and even Mr. Weasley called them Please men. I also don't think that Draco would describe Voldemort as someone who was looking for immortality so much as someone who was looking to conquer other people. Can't wait to see how the charm worked on our friend though :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing again. Draco is very lost at this moment in time and believe me, it is all going to get a lot worse for him. In fact, he will the character that experiences the greatest transformation in this fic, but I hope I'm doing this slowly enough. You will see what I mean much later on. Okay, I'm rambling here.

I have to agree with you that Draco perhaps ought to be a bit more clueless as to Muggles. I'll take a look at this chapter and see if I can convey this better. You make a very valid point.

As to Voldemort, well, Draco is not very keen on him know since he is after his blood but still he was brought up as a Death Eater so I guessed he would see something positive in their cause, although as I said things are going to get much worse for him and then his views will change.

The charm will definitely work and Draco is going to have to learn about the Muggle world and fast.


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Review #6, by celticbard 

27th April 2008:
Hi morgana!
I'm back again for chapter four. This was definitely a significant chapter, riddled with strong scenes and interesting dialogue. I'm enjoying your take on Draco more and more. His vulnerability is painfully clear and I cannot help but feel sorry for him. He has been thrown into an alien world, a world he was taught to detest. And now, ironically, only that world can save him.

I also really like Father McKenna. He seems like a quirky, old Irish priest, quite different from my somber Irish pastor ;) I can't wait to see if a friendship will develop between Draco and him as it would certainly make for an original storyline. Draco is in sore need of a real mentor right now.

I only noticed a few awkward sentences in this chapter along with some point-of-view issues (I'll get to those later ^_^) The sentences are as follows.



Father McKenna was about to retire to his accommodation
Technically, the priest's residence is called a "rectory"


It was only prudent to ensure everything was ok.
This should be, It was only prudent to ensure that everything was okay.


It is a shame really
This should be in the past tense, It was a shame, really


to have it converted it into a residential dwelling.
This should be, to have it converted into a residential dwelling.


He searched into his briefcase for a large iron key.
This should be, He searched through his briefcase for a large iron key.


There was a fire between the altar and the front benches, he realised alarmed.
I think this would sound better as, he realised with alarm.


After all, he dealt with that kind of people on a regular basis.
This should be, After all, he dealt with those kind of people on a regular basis.


Draco, frightened and half asleep got to his feet
There should be a comma between, asleep and got.


"God rests his soul.
This should be, God rest his soul


This was worryingly beginning to sound as he wanted to use him as a house elf.
I think this would sound better just as, This was beginning to sound as.


However, given the circumstances, Draco thought he better not mention.
I think this would sound better as, Draco thought he better not mention it.


"Just curiosity," asked the Father
I think this would sound better as, Just out of curiosity.


Now, as to point-of-view, I noticed that you seem to be using third-person omniscient which is (to use Wikipedia's definition) a mode that allows "the reader and writer observe the situation from the outside through the senses and thoughts of every character equally and without bias, although that focal character may shift throughout the course of any given narrative."

So basically, you're giving the reader access to both Draco and Father McKenna's thoughts at the same time. Now, this is a perfectly acceptable literary technique, however, I think you need to reword some sentences so as not to confuse the reader. Be careful as to how you use pronouns like "he". Take this paragraph for example,


"Ok, I see, this is some kind of college prank." McKenna now looked into the boy's eyes and smiled at him knowingly, with the sort of look that a teacher would give a kid who has just been caught messing about.

"Something like that." He resolved it was better to say something his questioner expected to hear.


The second sentence, which switches to Malfoy's thoughts could be somewhat confusing to a reader as you only tag the dialogue with "He resolved". Instead, try to stick with "Draco resolved" just to make it clear as to who is speaking/thinking.

Again, I'm really enjoying your fic, morgana and I cannot wait to read the rest. Good luck!

Best,
celticbard

Author's Response: Thanks so much again! I'm glad you like my take on Draco. Well, I haven't finished with him yet... he is going to have to change a bit in this fic. Well, I actually expected JKR to put him through the mill and to make him more mature in the end. He will still have his usual traits, like being manipulative etc.

The priest, yes he quirky alright. He's not your most typical priest, he is a bit of a character actually.

Now, thanks so much for spotting all these errors etc. I will have them fixed as soon as I can get your reviews printed because I find it hard to work with two windows open for this purpose but I'm very grateful and it should all be fixed by the weekend.

I have posted a thread re POV in ehpfans since I'm a bit confused as to what is ok and what isn't in terms of switching. Feel free to owl me if you wish.

Agains, thanks for all the work that you put into your reviews and for having such a great eye for detail!


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Review #7, by Shellee 

16th April 2008:
It's rather funny to see Draco so vulnerable. How he has to come up with all these things and doesn't understand any other Muggle thing. It would be terribly funny to have him be absolutely clueless about Muggle things. In my eyes the priest is being a bit harsh though. I always thought them to be rather calm and listening, instead of forming an opinion on someone immediately, though Draco could very much be a homeless guy -which he kinda is- or a junkie, if he knew what drugs were. That just made me think, to they have drugs in the Wizard world? Hmm. Back on topic. The conversation is rather funny and saddened. Hwo Draco's trying to explain everything and how the priest is harldy believing things. Glad that he decided to take him with though!
Very curious to see where this is going now.

Author's Response: Yes, Draco is going to suffer in this story, sadistic me! but I think circumstances will turn him into a better person. I see him as someone rather clever, so I think he has a knack to improvise and often get away with it.

The priest, well, yes, he is supposed to be understanding because of his job but priests are still human beings and have faults like anyone else. This particular chapter knows that he is giving to judging but tries to avoid doing so. He doesn't believe in people making excuses for themselves, in believes that everyone should take responsibility in a no-frills, no nonesense sort of way, but yes, he is a softy in the end so he will help Draco.

Do they have drugs? I guess probably some sort of potion.


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Review #8, by Ginerva_Potter 

4th April 2008:
Ooo! Draco! I am really enjoying reading the bits about Draco. Normally, I like following the trio more, but Draco has a very interesting role to play. He's in a difficult position and it's great fun to see him having to live and deal with things in the muggle world he detests. I have to say, I was really amused by Father McKenna's thought that Draco could be a drug addict. As soon as I read that, I thought back to the physical description of him in HBP and realized that it kind of fit. Also, it's just amusing to see someone so high, mighty, and confident in his world being viewed as lowly and deficient in the hated muggle world.

Characterization:
- Draco -- good. I think he is playing his part pretty well for his circumstances. He's not as snobbish as usual, but I think he started to break away from that in HBP. Good job!
- Father McKenna -- Now, I know he's not a HP character, so you might wonder why I am commenting on him. I am doing so because I am Christian and have conversed with many priests. Father McKenna may be a great characterization for the type of person you are going for. However, if you are trying to portray a priest who strictly follows Christian values, you are a bit off. He would not have questioned Malfoy's needs, but just tried to help him. He would also have been more compassionate about the situation and not questioned Malfoy's need for help. Again, this is just a kind of side note. I'm sure that if you are writing about the Christian religion, it is because you have your own experience or knowledge, so the information I am providing is probably pretty useless.

There's really nothing else to say in this chapter. Again, I am very glad we got back to seeing Draco. Good job!

Author's Response: Ah, you are getting into my Draco storyline. I'm so pleased! Draco is going to have to eat a lot of "humble pie" in this story. He's not stupid and he's a Slytherin, so he will find ways of getting himself out of tight corners. I always thought that Voldy would be after his blood for failing to kill Dumbledore.

The priest, well, first of all thanks for commenting on the characterisation even if he is an OC. Yes, I was brought up as a Catholic but I have encountered different types of priest. I also have a friend who is an Anglican priest and his wife is actually more by the old school than he is. What I had in mind with Father Sean, was someone from a poor background who has done quite a bit of work in areas where there are lots of social problems. He's compassionate but doesn't like to "make excuses" for everyone's antics and he finds Draco lighting a fire in his church! I guess that someone would have to be pretty bold in the muggle world to do that. Now, I also have him be a bit of a left-wing priest. This is a bit uncommon but not unheard of. He seems to be a bit bias against the overprivileged but maybe this will show more later on. He will follow Christian values totally but more like the way Jesus was with the merchants in the temple, if you see what I mean. He will take to Draco though. I thought it showed compassion by the mere fact that he takes him in. He's also a character with a lot of curiosity, although this is a bit of a flaw as far as he, himself is concerned. The interaction between a DE's son and a Muggle priest is a bit of a challenge to write, and no your opinion is not useless at all! The priest knows he wants to help him but he doesn't want to make it too easy, more like teach him a lesson in a good way, but not too leniantly.

Wonderful reviews. You put so much into this. I cannot thank you enough!


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Review #9, by punk poet 

1st April 2008:
yeah starting to like the draco bit at the church. like the father

Author's Response: Thanks so much again. Draco will play an important role in this story. The priest will show up again later on. I thought it would be funny to get such different characters to met and yes, Draco is going to have to eat a lot of "humble pie" in this fic. I couldn't believe that he got away so lightly in DH, although well, he was made to torture someone etc. I thought Voldy would have been mad at him.

I'm really pleased that you are enjoying Draco's situation more.


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Review #10, by juls 

23rd March 2008:
Forty days and forty nights. Sounds so biblical. Draco sure is in a fix, but yet maintains his politeness to the priest. So proud of him, poor thing. Yes, I support Draco- go me(?).

I like your Father McKenna, he's cool. Hopefully his heart will get moved to continue to help Draco, and that Severus indeed can help him.

I loving the 'Englishness' of this fic... I try, but fail. But then again, you're English. =)

Lovely job once again dear.

~~juls

Author's Response: Yes, indeed this is based on the Bible, but primarily on Medieval Law interpretation (lawyer in real life you see lol), it's something that features in that kind of period. Yes, Draco, well I expected Voldy to be after his blood after "his failure" and I wrote this before DH so I guess I imagine him in very serious trouble.

Now, I like the priest I portray here , because people like him exist but they are not the most common, I mean he's all for the poor, even a bit bias against the rich, he's someone with a true vocation though, he will try to help eventually but Draco has now modified his memory.

I'd love you to pm about the "Englishness", well of course, but where exactly does it show? I'm intrigued. Thanks, so much babe. By the way, I did not mean to insult Americans, just a way to tease Draco a little bit...


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Review #11, by Gords7015 

17th March 2008:
Draco lost and frightened is amusing, but I can't quite see it going this way. I think he'd probably try to threaten the man, because how would he know who to respect. If he doesn't know a priest when he sees one, there there would be no reason to be polite. Sooo, I figure that he'd try to scare the person off (at least thats how I'd picture it). I just can't see Draco being this polite... Otherwise, a very interesting chapter!

Author's Response: You may have a point with Draco but he is frightened and has nowhere to go. My point here is that he is not stupid and even if he had landed with a gang of criminals, he would have to play ball. He has been damped there by Snape with unclear, albeit some instructions straight after Dumbledore's death, he cannot contact his family, the Dark Lord is after him and all the rest, so I don't know. He will try to be cunning though...

Thanks for reading and reviewing all this. As you can see, this is a strange take on what DH could have been, so it's not all that canon, although I did guess certain points though.


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Review #12, by AnnaKay 

14th March 2008:
Wow Draco might really be in way way over his head. He sounded so foolish trying to explain thing without really explaining thing. Although with Draco and the situation he is in, that is really how I expected it to sound if he really ever had to explain himself. He is going to have to be way more careful of what he says and does.

Poor Father McKenna, he has a lot on his hands to deal with, and not understanding it is even worse.

Author's Response: Yes, these two couldn't come from more different worlds. Draco says way too much and then he has to put a modify the priest's memory. The priest will have a role to play eventually but it will all be revealed as the story goes on.

Again, thanks so much for the review!


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Review #13, by Laiquendi 

25th February 2008:
Hi there morgana!
I finally got around to starting your story...as promised, up to five chapters so far & I'm really enjoying it! I loved the scene with Draco in the church in chp.1,Harry's 'talk' with Petuina, how Molly treats Harry...she's a real gem, Bill & Fleur's wedding was really lovely...the whole 'wand' notion was great & I had a good laugh at Father McKenna's interaction with Draco...the poor man must have been totally bewildered! LOL!
Anyway I hope to get a chance to read a few more chapters soon & catch up with you! Can't wait for more Severus!

Great job so far!
~Lai.

PS: Sorry it took so long...still no 'net' at home *sigh*.

Author's Response: Please, please, do not worry about taking your time. I do feel for you re the internet connection. I'd totally lost without it!

I'm really glad you're enjoying the story. Molly well, she is in a bit of a predicament because she has a real soft spot for Harry, probably because they are such a large loving family and Harry is an orphan etc. Yet, his on and off relationship with Ginny, well, she sees them as kids but she won't be too pleased with him when ... well, they are almost back together in chapter 5 but they will get much more involved later on.

Sevvy, well, he is a big player in this fic, so yes, he will be back!


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Review #14, by Aurora Dawn 

14th February 2008:
Hi Morgana,

This is going to be a short one today because I was pretty tired when I read this.

What I notice most in this chapter is a strong contrast between Draco and Harry. Draco was always jealous of Harry and I think constantly trying to outdo him, whether he wanted to admit it or not. In the last chapter, you see a very resolved Harry preparing to face some very adult problems. In this one, you see Draco Malfoy falling to pieces. His entire world has been pulled out from under him and he doesn't know how to handle it. Maybe now he sees what Harry has been going through for the last seven years or so.

Should be interesting to see what you decide to do with Draco through the course of this story. Personally, I always hoped he'd straighten out and turn the course of the Malfoy family around. There are some characters on the series that I absolutely can't stand, but Draco is one that I remain hopeful for.

Again, I noticed a few typos, but nothing serious. I'm sure if I went back and re-read my work I'd find a ton of them there too.

Have a good day !

Author's Response: Thanks so much again. Your reviews are quite analytical, I really like that. Well, I wasn't consciously trying to compare Harry and Draco, but it is a very interesting point. Draco, well you will have to wait and see but he is an important character in this story. I do something later on that will make Draco's life a bit more similar to Harry's. They are not going to get on like a house on fire from day one, but like you I was convince that JKR was going to make him declare his allegiance more openly.

I will look out for the typos, thanks for pointing it out. Now, I forgot to reply about your point about Remus turning out from nowhere. I think I will add something to clarify this because you do definitely have a point there. I guess he is visiting but the Order will very often stay at one location in this story.

Have a lovely day too!


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Review #15, by Renfair 

11th February 2008:
Hi! Back for more reading! It's weird but I feel like I've read WAY more than I have...I guess that's a compliment to you, since I guess you managed to put forth a lot of information in only a couple of chapters :)

This chapter was interesting with both the priest and Draco trying to figure out what the heck the other one was talking about. I liked how Draco was confused when the priest would say "the Lord." Nice touch. It really makes you start to think about religion in the Harry Potter world. I always thought that the fanatical Christians who said HP was evil because it promoted witchcraft were absolute morons. I mean, in that world, couldn't God have just made some people magical and others not? Kind of like how God could make evolution happen if he wanted. Since, in your story, there is obviously a magical side of religion, it makes you wonder if perhaps Jesus was a wizard who used his powers to try and help all people live together in harmony. It's certainly an interesting idea...

"Are you from America? All kind of queer things happen in America, I am told." --HAHAHA! Yes, we're certainly whack on this side of the pond. All sorts of madness can happen here and it's totally normal! Just look at all of the right-wing nut-jobs running the country...geez.

The end of the chapter is a nice mini-cliff hanger. Wondering if perhaps Draco was a bit over-zealous and pulled a Lockhart? Well, we'll see!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for making the time to review some more.

I'm pleased that you say that I have managed to convey a lot only in a few chapters. Well, I thought Draco was bound to be found by a priest, given where he was. My priest actually is a rather odd, although hopefully, sympathetic character. My mental idea of him is that of someone whose "call" mainly told him to go and help the less fortunate. However, he is never soft on them, or not to soft, not the type to make excuses for law breakers but he truly believes in the essence of the doctrine and not in being powerful or influencial on a more ambitious arena. He is a typical Irish descent chap who grew up with lots of rules but little money, hence his slight prejudice against the higher classes. As for his life experience, I would say he was probably born in London or went there at a young age and hasn't seen very much of the world. Of course, many Irish people emigrated to the US and priest amongst them, so he hears stories which amuse him. He has a great sense of curiosity too, hence the comment he made. Now, I'm a bit worried about that, not with you but in general, that this may offend people, especially with Draco's comment about the accent. I imagine Draco to speak in a very aristocratic English way, though. I hope this does not cause a problem, if it ever does, I will change it but for the moment, I'll leave it as it is. I think most of my readers are probably American and they have been ok, so fingers crossed.

As to for Christian fundamentalist and HP, well, have they read the books in the first place? One wonders, because it is all about good defeating evil just like in most religions (including Christianity), in fact we have many members who describe themselves as very practising Christians and are hooked! I would love to have the opportunity to ask JKR about this because she went as far as saying in an interview that her ending was somewhat linked to the "Christian story", I guess that to mean the sacrifice that Harry was prepared to make and that Dumbledore probably made. Of course, her series being suitable for children she couldn't dabble in this to the extent I do. Of course, after DH she clarified that wizards have religions like we do, i.e. there are Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Wiccans whatever. I find the topic fascinating but I'm always frightened of offending, though, because my own sort of religion is most ecclectic.

Now, no the priest's mind doesn't end up like Lockhart's, although it was a bit reckless on Draco's part but the guy is now desperate.

I love your comment as to Jesus, my Hermione's view but I will leave it here or we will enter into deep debate.

Thanks so much!

Hugs x


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Review #16, by MrsTomF 

1st February 2008:
Hmmm... I'll start with CC:
You may want to watch certain bits of punctuation (but I only saw one that I definitely registered; others I sort of passed over). Luckily, I only spotted a few of these, very few. (Yay! I hate correcting those)
Some things don't feel right, such as the dialogue. It's almost like they're too formal, and too... repetitive. You say 'posh' a lot, and I'm not quite sure if this is something Draco would say. I guess that he seems a little OOC.
The people who seemed the most OOC to me though, were Snape and Slughorn in their chapter. But that was all. :]
Note: I'd advise using italics for thoughts, otherwise they tend to look a little sudden and unprofessional.

Good things:
A very interesting, very complicated storyline that I see forming. There's more of a chance of you holding your audience's interest, but I'd suggest speeding it up a teeny bit.
Also, I thought your exchange between Draco and the priest was hilarious, and very true. :)

"This is beginning to test my patience, boy. It's beginning to sound like the mafia!" exclaimed the priest, shaking his head.
"Mafia? What's the mafia?"
"Now, don't be clever with me, boy!" McKenna warned him.


:) I'm so sorry this has taken so long; I've been insanely busy. Next chapters!

Author's Response: First of all, thanks so much for your review. Now, I admit, I can't punctuate to save my life! I did get the story beta-read but obviously, we have still missed things, so thanks for pointing this out. I will re-read it and see what I can spot.

On the dialogue, I had several comments about Harry being too formal in the Harry/Petunia scene. Ok, I wanted him to be very in control and he sees himself as an adult now but then again, yes my take on him generally may very well be too OOC.

Now, the repetitive "posh" comment is something the priest says, not Draco. I did this because in my mind this guy is the type of priest who went into his profession to try to help people from a more marginal background, so he has certain political bias but, of course, I know that and the reader doesn't yet. I have to bear that in mind all the time, because I tend to get very carried away, thinking that the reader shares my knowledge of the story and the characters.

Now, Snape / Slughorn. I would be very happy for you to owl me and tell me a bit more as to why. I definitely value your comments greatly and have a wish to improve but I appreciate that we are all far too busy. I mean, that's why I have never started a review thread, because I cannot guarantee to commit. I do try to reciprocate when I have the time though.

The italics, yes, I'm actually trying to do this. One of the problems is that when I post onto the archive, all the italics go and have to put them in manually which is a bit of a pain and obviously I have missed chunks. Also, it seems to mess the spacing!

As for the pace, it will gain speed quickly in the next few chapters but then it slows down again, so I'll bear that in mind. Chapter 3, for instance, is very much a transitional one but I thought it had to be there to keep the story a bit more together.

I'm very pleased that you like my plot. I think it is emerging that that is my main strength and chapter 4, well, it's a bit of a fun one. They really belong in different universes these two.

By the way, no worries at all about taking your time. I understand it perfectly. I actually have a long lists of things I must read which I haven't had the time to do yet.

I'm also very impressed that you are still interested.

Thanks so much! x


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Review #17, by subtle_plan 

13th January 2008:
This is my favorite chapter this far! :D I think Draco seems to be your best character: you do a better job of keeping him in IC than Harry and the others. Which is rare: usually it's the other way around.

I also love your OC in this chapter: Father McKenna. He's exactly what I imagine a typical, elderly priest to be. I love the way he talks and his ideas of the young people these days. On the whole this was a very good chapter: it flows, and your vocabulary is more varied and better than in the three previous chapters.

As usual I managed to sniff out a few sentences:

"So, what, may I ask, are you doing here, setting the place on fire?" enquired the Priest leering down at him" would have been better, in my opinion, if you wrote "So, what, may I ask, are you doing here? Setting the place on fire?"

And "May be," Draco replied a little defiantly. --> the "may be" should be "maybe" in one word.

"Father McKenna, Sean McKenna," he replied in a more friendly tone.

''Come on, be a good boy and call your Mum, she's surely worried about you." ---> this should have been in the same paragraph since it's the same person speaking; first I thought it was Malfoy talking about McKenna's mum, so I got really confused :P

Oh, and there wasn't a war in Iraq at the time the contents of book 7 played out :P Hehe.

Except for those small things: very original and good! I'm intrigued: I can't wait to see what happens next. This is most definitely an original twist!

Author's Response: Thanks so much. Well, Draco is an important player in this story, now Harry & Co will come more in later... but I'm really pleased you like this! As for the paragraphs, hey, you've got it completlly right! and the war yes, I better change that to something else, but something happening at the time! Oops!

Hugs x


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Review #18, by Girldetective85 

13th January 2008:
Hey Morgana! I'm finally back to review your story, thanks for the reminder! :)

Well, it seems that Draco may finally find a kindred spirit. I hope Father McKenna will help him gain strength and guidance to either do what he has to, or flee the country. Again I think it's really interesting and a very masterful stroke to bring in religion to this whole Harry Potter theme, because it's something that JKR only ever grazes past. Interesting that Draco, a wizard, is finding solace and comfort in a Muggle church that would probably throw him out the moment it discovered what he was.

I can't remember how old Father McKenna is, but he certainly talks like a very young man. This line of dialogue especially seemed out of place to me: "You mean a frigging Pagan?"
The mention of Iraq and the Mafia and Dr. Who was funny and a sharp jolt of reality, it clearly delineates how Muggle Father McKenna really is. Poor Draco had no idea what he was talking about.

There was one slightly awkward sentence at the end of the second paragraph: "This was an educated guess, given the time and effort he had taken him to perform a most simple spell. If he was right, that in itself, although an annoyance, was a relief." I think that second sentence could stand to be changed a bit, maybe something like:

"If he was right, that in itself would be a relief as well as an annoyance."

On to the next chapter! :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this. Actually at one point we were both reading each other stories but then, things get complicated in this forum, like one losses track! (speaking for myself, and my apologies!). A lot of people have said that the priest is weird to a degree. Now, I grew up as a Catholic but from a much more formal perspective. He is in my mind, 30'ish from a poor background himself, dedicates his life to the poor in true Jesus fashion, someone like
Draco, well, he still helps him, but he normally rather help the poor. He knows a lot about drugs, and robbery and teenage pregancy because he is a priest in a deprived area, he is one of my two main OCs (both adult) and I think he is interesting. Watch out for him, he will learn about the wizarding world and try to help Harry!

Hugs x


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Review #19, by shadowkitty22 

12th January 2008:
So while reading about Draco's struggles with the Muggle priest were rather amusing, I felt that Father McKenna seemed rather out of character (even though you made him up so that would be rather hard to do) to my typical idea of a priest. I always imagined them to be rather non-judgmental, at least to your face. I never pictured them to accuse someone of being on drugs or things of the like. I don't know...McKenna was just weird to me.

Of course, I think it will be interesting to see how Draco's never preformed before memory charm will turn out. Hopefully Father McKenna comes out with most of his memories in tact and hasn't gone completely loopy like Lockhart.

Emilie
=^_^=

Author's Response: Hiya Emilie,

First of all, ok, starting with your last comment, Draco only intended to erase from the Priest's memories the event of the night, i.e. the discovery of the magical world, he never attempted to erase his whole life! (the thought didn't even occur to me!). It would be funny if he forgot who he was or the Bible or something!

Now, yes, most Priests I have come across try to be non-judmental in principle but he has just found a stranger in the church who has lit up a fire! This character will come into the story later on again and my mental image of him is that of someone from a fairly working-class background who is very hands on approach and he is a bit parcial to the poorer community. He is caring, of course, hence he offers Draco his help. I imagine him working in a parish with a fair deal of problems such as drugs, teenage pregnancies, crime and so forth. So maybe you are right, he is too rude to Draco if he is used to this sort of thing, I think the fact that Draco seems to come from a very posh background throws him a bit but please continue to point these things out, because it definitely helps!

Thanks again, x


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Review #20, by DragonGoddess 

23rd December 2007:
You used 'thought' in the last few lines instead of 'though'. That was the only mistake I found.

I rather loved the interaction between the priest and Draco. I found McKenna to be a tad irksome with the constant 'posh boy' stuff :D

I especially liked the 'muggle' 'old' invention of Malfoy!! Ha ha! I wonder how the memory charm worked! Oh well.

I'm keeping this short, just so I can move on to the chapter next! w00t! 20 chapters is quite something and I don't think I can finish more than a couple more today, but I'll do my best ^_^

10/10

Author's Response: Yes, this is a very long story and is still actually in progress! I actually wrote up to and including chapter 14 before the publication of DH. I'm telling you this so that you can see what was my invention and what could be influenced by DH.

The Priest in my mind is one of those hands on approach types who is actually a bit of a defender of the poor. He is not keen on snobs but he is compasionate. I imagine him very much from a working class background. Yes, the mistake I reckon is a typo. I must re-read the whole thing because even with a beta we have missed the odd thing.

You don't have to review it all unless you really want to, goodness! I'm very, very pleased with your reviews.

Hugs x


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Review #21, by kara101 

15th December 2007:
Back again and ready to review another one of your super, awesome chapters.

Again I am sorry it took so long for me to get to your story. I love how Malfoy is coming into this. You wrote this chapter extremely well. I like how you are incoroprating muggle religion in this, it is very unique. Great job! The only thing I would suggest was to maybe add a little more narration to this chapter.

Author's Response: Yes, probably there is too much dialogue here. Well, Malfoy is an important player in this story. It will all be revealed, eventually...

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Review #22, by _DearMyLove_ 

27th November 2007:
Alrighty review number four (I think). I’m getting through, even if it is quite slowly. I’m sorry if I take a long time to do this, I have to write reviews in between the tremendous workload I’ve suddenly been lumped with at college, but I will definitely get through this so no worries :)

I’m going to do grammar stuff first, but there were quite a few…have you got a beta? If you don’t, I seriously recommend getting one, and if you already have one maybe get another just for a second opinion? Anyway:
1) “Father McKenna was about to retire to his accommodation when he was struck by the niggling thought that, when he last visited the Old Chapel of Saint Mary and the Apostles, about a week before, he might have left a door unlocked.” – They’re are a few too many commas here. Actually, you get a bit comma-happy in this chapter. That is to say, you tend to overuse commas quite a bit. I suggest once you’ve written a paragraph, read it back to yourself and see if you’ve pausing a bit too much. If you are, you’ve got too many commas :)
2) “heed of summer” – I’m pretty sure that’s ‘height of summer’ rather than ‘heed’
3) "Get up and put that off'," – You’ve got a random apostrophe there that shouldn’t be there (after ‘off’) and also I think it should be ‘put that out’
4) “the entrance hall / living room.” – Alrighty…never, ever use slashes in descriptive writing. It’s way too note-like. If you’re not going to do anything else, please re-write this bit! :)
5) “Pre-posterous” – You don’t need to have the dash there. Preposterous is a word.
6) “I am hoping thought that things will get sorted out before then” – in contrast to the rest of the chapter, you haven’t got enough commas here! :) I would re-write it as something like this: ‘I am hoping, though, that things will get sorted out before then.’ Oh and it should be ‘though’ rather than ‘thought’

First of all, my favourite bits of the whole chapter were the links you made between the ‘Dark Lord’ and the ‘Christian Lord’. I thought it was incredibly clever how you had the priest talk about the Christian Lord, but Draco assume he was talking about Voldemort. I especially liked it because both ‘Lords’ stand for very different things; Voldemort is essentially the devil in Christian terms. It was very clever, and I really really liked it! ^_^

The very beginning seemed a little confused. I didn’t understand at all how the priest could have just remembered that he might not have locked up a church a week previously. It seemed a little unbelievable to me, especially if the priest had been put in charge of the church; I’m sure he would have remembered earlier than that. That can be changed very easily, though, just by changing ‘a week before’ to ‘yesterday’ or something. Also, the idea of an old man seeing a light burning in a window and thinking of trespassers etc is almost a little too similar to the opening of Goblet of Fire. I wasn’t too bothered by this, but if you could think of a different way of him discovering Draco, it might be better.

The paragraph at the end seemed a little tacked on, and I think the chapter would have had a much stronger ending if you ended on that bit of dialogue between Draco and Father McKenna. Incidentally, is the Father going to come back in later chapters? I really loved his characterisation! I thought it was very original, and different to how I would have supposed a priest to be, and I really loved his inclusion in the chapter! ^_^

I thought your dialogue was very good in this chapter. I liked the way that Draco doesn’t understand about being ‘on drugs’. I never considered that wizards wouldn’t understand about that sort of thing, and it’s a very original touch that makes the story much more enjoyable and believable to read! :)

That’s all I can think of to say for this chapter. I hope you find this review helpful and I will try to get the next review ready a bit quicker this time! I definitely haven’t forgotten about this story, don’t worry! :)

Katherine
xxx

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the really in-dept review! Don't worry about taking your time, you are obviously putting a lot into this!

Firstly, yes, I will see about the commas, I agree there are too many. Also I agree that the time span for him realising about the door unlocked may be too long, although Draco is supposed to have been there a while and this is not his main church (maybe it needs explaining better).
2. Yes, it is height of summer, I think this was just an overlooked typo.
3. same goes here, another typo.
4. Yes, point taken about the "/"
5. Indeed it is one word. I think this must have been re-edited later like this.
6. Again, typo, it should have been though rather than thought.

Those comments are very usuful though because I can now go and edit this.

I'm glad you like the reference to the "Lord". Now, about the beginning being a bit like GOF, I haven't thought about this until you pointed it out. Now, McKenna is not really an old man (late 30s, early 40s) maybe I need to describe him more. Yes, he will come into the story again and to complicate matters a Muggle parapsychologist will too! I based this particular Priest on somone really hands-on, not too formal a rather from a humble origin but I will develop him further later.

Yes, I thought there had to be funny moments in their dialogue as they come from such differen realities.

I'm so grateful to you for putting so much effort on this. It's very, very appreciated.

Hugs x


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Review #23, by Bella_Portia 

11th November 2007:
I really liked the relationship between Draco and Father McKenna. The priest is a good character. I would, however, like to know more about him -- his age, what exactly he does (where is he coming from, why is he carrying a briefcase). For example, if is a man of a certain age, who does social work, or works with a lot of families, he will recognize signs of a person under the influence of drugs or in withdrawal; and his questions to Draco will be a bit more focused.
Really liked the description of the church, as from the priest's POV.
Early on (first paragraph, I think), there was a line about magic in churches. It was an interesting idea, but I would like to have seen a description of how Draco worked it out for himself. (If there is such a description in an earlier chapter, forget I said this.)

Finally, there are parts of the conversation that do not seem to follow. In particular, it seemed strange to me that the priest would be "secretly entertained" by Draco when, moments before, he was horrified by the account of a murder. The most likely explanation would be that, as a reasonable Muggle listening to a boy spinning a fantastic tale, McKenna simply decided Malfoy was delusional, as in suffering from a major mental illness. Of course, that begs the question of why he'd let this kid, who apparently imagines murders, stay in his house.

Overall, it was a good chapter and well paced.

Author's Response: Well, yes the priest re-appears later so I will tell a bit more about him. Very good point on your part because maybe I should have said a bit more about him.

Now, the magic in churches, Snape sort of tells him that in chapter 1 (well, you don't actually see Draco's conversation with Snape but when Draco is thinking he refers to it).

Now, the priest is in two minds whether to believe him or not. He doesn't actually think the boy is utterly mad. I think he is very curious like many muggles would be even if he doesn't see himself as a gossip. Yes, he is horrified at the having to murder someone idea but it is such a good tale that he has to continue listening. Now, he is helpful sort and he realises that Draco needs help. No, he doesn't think he is dangerous per se, just that he got in with the wrong company. He is a bit worried about attracting trouble for himself and he states that but after weighting up the need to help him and the potential danger, he decides in favour of letting him stay. Maybe I need to go back to this chapter and make it a bit clearer.

Again, thanks so much.


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Review #24, by Fields Of Innocence09 

3rd November 2007:
I loved how you based this whole chapter on Draco, it was a nice refreshing break from Harry (he always annoys me a little lol) =]
The dialogue between Draco and the Priest was very entertaining, some of the Priest's gestures were pretty funny as well.
Though at first it didn't seem believable that he is a priest, he sounded a little mean and while even priests are sinners, i would've thought he would have a much kinder nature.
But the way you wrote him was good, it was a little different to how i would expect a priest to be, but i guess that's good. You are avoiding cliches.
I did also like the part where the priest asked if Malfoy was American, the way Malfoy reacted was great, it displayed pieces of his old self. I understand he is in a frightened position at the moment so i guess we are seeing a different side of his character, i do think you should add the usual cruelness he possesses every once in a while.
Anyways this was a good chapter, 10/10 =]

Author's Response: Well, the priest is funny because my first reviewer on this, from the US actually thought he was just right, next one, not at all, not formal enough and then your opinion... all very valuable by the way. What I had in mind as a writer is a kind of very working class background priest, but he is actually very kind in the end...

Thanks again for reading and reviewing andd keep on being honest about your impressions, it always helps!


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Review #25, by Kahlan 

28th October 2007:
Malfoy's side of the story :D As said, I love how you're including this. Also, I think your Malfoy is a good one, but the priest, while he has his moments, is maybe a bit.. well. Perhaps I've been reading a few too many older novels, but;

"Yes, but is being fought in Iraq, ain't it?" Ain't? I wouldn't have thought it.. Also, friggin? I don't find the sentence to paste, but nevertheless. I think it's a bit off. Not that I am religious, nor do I go to church on a regular basis, but most of the priests I have heard talk has a very formal language. But that is up to you to decide of course.

I'm really liking this story anyway!

Author's Response: I was actually brought up as a Catholic and yes, I see what you mean but I have come across priest from very working class backgrouns too that could be a bit like him. Mind, you watch out for him and my ohter OC that comes much later on, they play a part...

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