50 Reviews Found

Review #1, by jj 

9th March 2012:
so far so good nice start

 Report Review

Review #2, by datbenik513 

9th May 2009:
Wonderful, this one. Both Snape and Slughorn are perfectly in place. I just heard Alan Rickman's voice all the time I was reading.

It seems Slughorn's working on the task Snape's given to him, at least according to Hermione's letter.

More of a question than criticism: In sentences like
It is from Hermione, nice! Harry thought.
would the quotation be put between quotation marks like this:
"It is from Hermione, nice!" Harry thought.

Reading on!
Will you explain later what was precisely Harry and Petunia's talk all about?

Author's Response: Oh, I'm so pleased you thought that both Snape and Slughorn were in character, especially since the readers have been so far very divided on this point.

Alan just plays him wonderfully, doesn't he? It would be hard for me to imagine any other actor playing him after being so used to Alan. Snape will play an important part here also.

Slughorn, well, he's trying...

Now, the way I use quotations is only with actual dialogue, only with words that are in fact spoken. With thoughts it seems that different people do it differently, some people put them in italics. I use italics when it's the character talking to himself/herself as opposed to the narrator quoting the character's thoughts. I think here I should have used italics, though. I'll go and change that. Thanks for pointing this out and well, if someone knows the correct rule, please let me know.

I have had several reviewers saying that they would have wanted this converstation "on stage." My intention was that Harry probably asked her about Petunia's and Lily's childhood, about their grandparents, stuff like that. I haven't got a backstory for the grandparents. Petunia will make some interesting revelations in chapters 6 and 21 though.

Once again, thanks so much!

 Report Review

Review #3, by SiriuslyPeeved 

1st May 2009:
Snape and Slughorn have an intriguing scene. I absolutely love Snape's words with his old teacher, they had me rolling. In my reading, Slughorn has always walked that line between appeasing the Death Eaters and safeguarding against them, too cowardly to really put himself on one side or the other. I like how you have him admit to his fears, if only to himself.

I love Hermione's letter, you have her voice down to perfection.

I think you have a wonderful sense of Harry's character. His ending to the chapter, where he just chucks the difficulties of real life for a Quidditch book, is pitch perfect.

There are a few isolated typos in this chapter, but nothing serious. For example, you have a few quotation marks where apostrophes should be. Thanks for your indulgence in letting me point these minor things out to you. :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much again! On the contrary, please feel free to point out errors. We all make them and I seem to mistype things a lot and fail to notice them. I'm so pleased you like my characterisation. I totally adore most of the HP characters so it's important to me to get them right or at least close. Slughorn always intrigued me a bit since he doesn't seem to play one side or the other, at least not openly. I could believe that Snape is pretty capable of intimidating him. Harry just feels completely overwhealmed by it all so yeah, read something that is escapist, best policy! I'm glad you liked Hermione's voice. Once again, thanks so much!

 Report Review

Review #4, by dracosgem 

9th December 2008:
Hey Vic!! Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this story!! Anyhoo, this was a really wonderful chappie. Snape is pure gold- so canon!! And Slughorn is also well depicted. I like where you are taking the plot...it is very interesting. Bringing in the theological perspective is very smart indeed.

I look forward to your next chappie!!

~ Nichola ; )

Author's Response: Thanks babe for coming back to this story and for reviewing. I'm behind with everyone's stories at the moment.

I'm glad you found the characters in character since this chapter really has received reviews in both directions. I guess we all see Snape a little differently since he is a character about which everyone has an opinion.

Yes, religion does feature strongly on this but not in terms of a specific denomination, as Pagan stuff comes into as well later but you will have to wait and see.

Thanks so much. x

 Report Review

Review #5, by Foxtrott 

29th November 2008:
Oh my, suspense, suspense~ Great job at building it up. Muggle magic - who would've thought of it? Honestly, this is genius. :) I think you have managed to strike the balance between dialogue and narrative here, good job. :)

Except the last paragraph was slightly... anti-climatic. We're all waiting to hear what he was going to do about the letter and he decides to read a book. ._.

Well, other than that, I thought this chapter was brilliant. :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much again. I feel really, really flattered by your comments. Yes, I thought the Muggle magic could be an interesting take and I'm pleased that you found the balance between dialogue and description well done.

Now, in the last sentence, what I'm trying to convey is that Harry feels very overloaded. He has so many conundrums to think about and he just has to switch off for a while. He is curious as always, but feels almost bombarded, he is sort of drained with it all.

I'm so glad I got you intrigued. Thanks so much for your lovely and helpful reviews.

 Report Review

Review #6, by Savangel 

26th November 2008:
Once again, there are a few technical issues, so you might want to give it another readthrough for those. One example of this though is in the second-to-last paragraph where you put Voldemort"s instead of Voldemort's. Not any really big ones that I saw, but some of them were a bit distracting from the story.

Your characterization of Snape is a bit off, but then again, he's pretty much the hardest character to properly write in the first place, so all-in-all, you didn't do such a bad job with him. However, I would suggest that you always keep in mind the following word: subtlety. The more hidden messages and deliberate vagueness the better! The one really big thing is your use of the word 'ok.' In any piece of writing, it should never be 'ok,' only 'okay,' but it should never be used at all when writing Snape. Ever. Also, "that's not my style!" is... not Snape's style.

Now to the good stuff! The description is very good. Especially at the very beginning. I got the most wonderful picture of Slughorn's house. And now that the plot has started to poke it's little head up... I love it! Snape would definitely be the one to think of something as fundamentally backwards and sneaky as that. Can't wait to read more, but I might be a bit slower on the next one. I just found out that my grandmother no longer has internet, so I won't be back online until Friday.

Author's Response: Thanks so much again and for spotting that typo. I'll read through the chapter and I see if I can spot anything else.

Snape, well, his characterisation has had very varied reviews. In a way, I have come to the conclusion that we all view him a little differently. I think you are probably right in that the canon Snape is more subtle, now they could be reasons why he is talking in such a harsh way. I agree that okay should have been written in full there, though. I'll take a look at Snape's dialogue to see if I can write him more subtly without his desire to intimidate Slughorn to lessen.

I'm glad you like my plot so far. Thanks so much for this and have a nice Thanksgiving!

 Report Review

Review #7, by Cedrics Blueyed Girl 

26th November 2008:
Hey again... so sorry that it's taken me a while to get back over here. November is a busy time for me!

Anyways, once again, I am really enjoying your story! This is pre-DH, right? I usually prefer stories that fit in with canon but you're doing a great job of making this fit in just the right amount while still writing the story the way you want to.

My only criticism: I think your balance between description and dialogue is a little off. It's not terrible by any means, just a bit unbalanced in favor of dialogue. Now, I love dialogue more than anyone, but in the scene with Snape and Slughorn, the dialogue seemed to take up everything. I understand that they were having a conversation but we never see what the characters are thinking and feeling; we just hear them talking.

Other than that, the story is progressing very nicely and I'm looking forward to seeing where we will go next!


Author's Response: Thanks so much for your reviews. I totally understand that you are busy so this is really appreciated.

Yes, I wrote up to and including chapter 14 before DH. I'm glad you are enjoying it even if it's not exactly canon from HBP onwards. I intended to write parts of it how I thought canon may turn up but also there are elements that I just enjoyed including even if I realised that they would not be canon in the end.

Yes, this chapter in particular is very heavy in dialogue. I'm quite talkative in real life and I think this shows a bit here lol I tried adding more tags to their dialogue but I ended up cutting the flow a little and then took some out. Achieving the right balance in this regard is one of my main problems, I think.

Thanks so much and I'm glad you are enjoying this story.

 Report Review

Review #8, by SpringTime 

11th November 2008:
First off, my new word of the day is conundrums (Sorry, I am a dork and love the sound of certain words). There is a moment where you do not have quotes or have Harry's thoughts in Italics (it is only in one part) and there was only one grammatical error that i could see, but unfortunately I am lazy at the moment and since I have 28 more chapters will let you work it out ;) Slughorn's conversation was less blustering that I would have imagined it, there were moments where I felt it, but then it would be gone. Snape however seemed pretty right on the money. Hermione's letter also was very much like her, and I even chuckled at the part where she goes off about architecture. I am confused as to how Hermione's mom would have seen Slughorn before, unless she had shown pictures as her parents pick her up at Kings Cross and the teachers dont ride the train usually (shrug). A minor thing, but thought I would point it out. Because this chapter was mostly dialgue I don't have much to point out in the way of descriptions, or wording of things, it all seemed to go pretty smoothly though.

Author's Response: Oh, I think I tried to answer your comment about italics in the reply to your review to the next chapter and I called it capitalisation by mistake. I was obviously getting tired when I was trying to reply last night. I'm sorry about that.

I'm very pleased that you thought Snape was in character because this chapter is funny in that respect, some readers think they are really in character and some the opposite, but of course I appreciate all the feedback I can get, although I'm a bit unsure myself of whether Slughorn was too rude or the opposite.

I'm very pleased that you enjoyed Hermione's letter too. I guess Hermione's mum could have met the teachers at open days etc. Whilst this is not specifically mentioned in the books, most boarding schools have these, so I guess I just inferred that.

Sometimes I wonder if I rely too heavily on dialgogue.

Thanks so, so much for your wonderfully detailed and helpful reviews.

 Report Review

Review #9, by NevillesSoulmate 

13th June 2008:
I love your Slughorn. LOVE him. ; ) You did a great job with characterizing him. I felt that Hermione's letter was off a bit. I don't think she'd write something like 'Haha' in a letter, but that's just a personal preference. Harry and Snape were in character, as well.

As for description, I think you did a great job with Slughorn at the beginning, but once he started talking with Snape, the description dwindled off. It's hard sometimes to write description in dialogue, but conversations held between characters with a good amount of description is more balanced.

I really like how you skip around to different characters, and you keep it from being confusing or random. It's very good. I enjoyed this chapter very much! Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks so much again. I'm really glad that you liked my characterisation.

Now, Hermione's letter, I think I put that comment in to show that she knew that Harry was likely to make fun of her for going on about Muggle architecture, or if not make fun, at least give a knowing smile but you are probably right.

Now, descriptions in dialogue are my cross. I started almost doing complete free speech, then I tried to say a bit about what the characters were feeling/doing but I don't think I've got this right yet. Now, feel free to pm suggestions.

Another thing I do that you like but many people don't is write in third person omminiscent, although often I also write from someone's POV, like in chapter one, it's Draco first and then Harry.

Your comments are very, very appreciated and I'm so grateful that you are reviewing this, especially with your literary background. It's flattering actually! Also, even more especially, because I know just how very busy you are!

Hugs x

 Report Review

Review #10, by Potterholic 

7th June 2008:
Great chapter! Slughorn is an interesting choice for a villain, or something of that sort, but when I think about it, he could be. I’m curious to why Snape needed to understand about miracles, and I love this line: "A proper Muggle would either go by faith, believing anything without a hint of proof, or by science, doing the absolute opposite. Again, a Muggle born, would see everything as just our magic. None of it is of any use." I would love to see more description, as your chapters here seem to be more dialogue-driven, but you do have a really good grasp on your dialogue. ^_^ All in all, great job! Keep it up!

Author's Response: Thanks so much again!

Well, Severus, in my mind, is a pragmatist but not stupid enough like Voldemort to dismiss all things Muggle...He's obviously on to something here. I wouldn't say that Horace is a villain, more like a pure hedonist, as long as he has posh food and really expensive wine, he is happy.

In terms of description, yes, granted, I used too much dialogue but there will be chapters later on with a fair amount of description too. When I started this, I hadn't written at all for about 10 year, so I'm still trying to find my feet, hence reviews are so welcome! x

 Report Review

Review #11, by shadowycorner 

29th May 2008:
Sentences like If he was going to depart this world soon, he might as well do it in style and You sit on the fence too much perfectly convey Slughorn's character. The entire sequence was very well-done. I totally dig your portrayal of Slughorn, because it was exactly like from the books, but you took it even further than that. Snape was his usual self, but didn't really give off any vibe, but Slughorn...that was honestly great.

Other than that, the fact that Hermione saw him at the church proves you have a knack for tying things up and setting questions and events in motion. That's very good. This was a great chapter and i already see the potential of this story. Of course it's different reading it now that Deathly Hallows is over, I really enjoy your writing, so I tihnk I might just get a bit further. :)


Author's Response: Thanks so much for your wonderful review and for your comments on the characterisation. I'm really pleased that you thought Slughorn was in character.

Since I wrote up to chapter 14 and the end before DH, I decided to continue this story in the vein I had intended it, even if this is now clearly pretty AU.

I'm so glad you have enjoyed it so far and thanks so much!

 Report Review

Review #12, by GryffindorGirl007 

16th May 2008:
I've returned for your second review!

Well i think this story is shaping up to be quite a nice one! You have got a very nice plot developing with a main plot but also with a few sub plots which is great.

I also really enjoyed your dialogue in this chapter. It was very realistic and it helped me picture the situations and characters better.

Sorry this is on the short side but I don't really have any other advice/critique.

Good job!


Author's Response: Thanks so much again. I'm sorry for my delay in responding but I had people around yesterday. I'm so pleased that you are enjoying this story and that you found the dialogue here realistic.

 Report Review

Review #13, by celticbard 

19th April 2008:
Hello again, morgana!
This was another strong chapter and I greatly enjoyed your characterization of Slughorn. His interaction with Snape was spot-on. I could at once sense his reluctance, fear and curiosity, very true to character! You've also left me wondering about Snape as well. Is he truly on the Dark Lord's side in this fic, or is he simply sitting on the fence like Slughorn? And why this sudden obsession with Muggle churches? You've done a great job setting up the plot and snagging my attention from the start

I'm also really enjoying the wizarding world's take on religion. Unfortunately, Rowling never went into detail about wizard spirituality in relation to muggle faith, so I'm certainly curious to see your take on things.

I only noticed a few rough sentences in this chapter, they are as follows.

In a small town in the south coast, most inhabitants of a street composed mainly of Victorian terraced houses, had sensed this and gone indoors.
This should be, In a small town on the south coast, most of the inhabitants of a particular street composed mainly of Victorian terraced houses, had sensed this and gone indoors.

"I rather keep my wits with me, Horace."
I think this would sound better as, I'd rather keep my wits about me, Horace.

"Yes, but not long enough to suspect you a murderer."
This should be, Yes, but not long enough to suspect you of murder.

"No one in the Order trusts you, unlike they did me.
This should be, No one in the Order trusts you like they did me.

He had a feeling there was more to it than it met the eye.
This should be, He had a feeling there was more to it than met the eye.

"Priests? Whatever is, for Merlin's beard, that you have in mind?"
This should be, Priests? Whatever is it, Merlin's beard, that you have in mind?

Don't be ridiculous! I can see that your bravery is not more than drink talking.
This should be, Don't be ridiculous! I can see that your bravery is no more than drink talking.

"Come on, Hermione, get on with it, mate. Don't keep me in suspense!" muttered Harry almost aloud.
I think this would sound better as, "Come on, Hermione, get on with it, mate. Don't keep me in suspense!" Harry muttered anxiously.

I thought my vision might be a blur
This should be, I thought my vision might be blurred.

Worthy of the Daily Prophet, he though.
This should be, Worthy of the Daily Prophet, he thought.

He clearly did not want to make a stand on this war.
This should be, He clearly did not want to make a stand in this war.

Maybe he could ask Lupin, in a round about way sort of thing.
This should be, Maybe he could ask Lupin in a round about sort of way.

All-around, another good chapter, morgana. I look forward to reading more of this in the near future. Good luck!


Author's Response: Thanks so much again, especially for spotting all the mistakes which I shall change and I'm glad that you like the theme. You will find out more later about how the topic of religion fits into the big scheme of things. I think JKR hinted a bit but couldn't really go overboard because the series was controversial already as it was.

I'm really, really flattered that you like it. I think, I lack an eye for detail and I re-read my own work too quickly and seem to miss lots of things and you're great at spotting this kind of stuff!

Thanks so much for all the effort you put into this.

 Report Review

Review #14, by Shellee 

16th April 2008:
I assume that Snape is pictured good in this one too? He wouldn't look for a way to protect Draco if he wasn't, would he? Ah well. I liked the chapter and I ate too fast, now I have the hiccups and it's interrupting me to write my review. Anyways. I would have pictured Slughorn as a bit more of a coward, I think. After all he did hide when Dumbledore and Harry came to visit him, in the books. Then again, that wasn't really a time of distress as much yet, Voldemort was just recruiting and such, now it actually has come to the start of the war. I think he should think more though. He's part of the order, but no one really knows where his loyalty lies? Well, I think it's a bit obvious if he was running from Death Eaters before. Hmm, at least he's doing his job. Though I also wonder why he'd want to try and put a spell on Hermione and her mother. I wouldn't exactly see it as such a bad thing for a wizard to go to a church, specially not one like Slughorn. Maybe that's why he didn't curse them, or soemthing. Only you will know =p Or the ones that have read the part where it's explained.
Gotta keep on reading!

Author's Response: Thanks again. Snape could have several reasons to protect Draco, loyalty to his parents, perhaps, the fact that he made the Vow to his mother, if he stops protecting him, he will pay with his life. But then again, yes, he may still be on the right side... Slughorn is a bit hard to characterise. I have him being scared but not wanting to show it, not wanting to be intimidated and the wine has given him a little bravado too. Now, as for being in the Order, what I always assumed from canon is that he was trying to stay neutral, maybe on the Order's side but without going as far as becoming a member. The spell, well, he didn't want Hermione and her mother to guess why he was there, which is in fact to find stuff out for Snape but you will see a bit more on this religion stuff later.

 Report Review

Review #15, by Ginerva_Potter 

4th April 2008:
This was another very interesting chapter. I am very intrigued with the muggle storyline. I haven't really read anything that included muggle life as an integral part of the plot, but I think it will be fascinating! Ok, I think I'm going to break down my review a little so it is easier to read and follow.

- Slughorn -- I liked your characterization of Slughorn. After your first couple of lines about him, the reader knew exactly what kind of person he is. Excellent.
- Snape -- I like that Snape is still ambivalent as regards to what side he's on. In this chapter, he claims that even he is not sure what side he's on, but I think he's made his choice. Whatever that choice is, I think he is still just trying not to burn too many bridges in case his plans go badly.
- Hermione -- It is really hard to capture someone's essence when the only opportunity to do that is through a letter. You did an excellent job! It was so Hermione-ish.
- Harry -- He's pretty good in that chapter. I definitely thought he would get frustrated at Hermione's letter and prolonging of information. This is a nice touch because the reader is frustrated too, so we immediately feel a connection to Harry.

- A few grammar mistakes here and there, but again, nothing that truly distracts from the storyline.
- The first two sentences were a little odd. Actually, it was only the second sentence, but I think you need to rearrange both to make it work.

Here are your sentences:
"The night was hot and sticky as if awaiting a storm. In a small town in the south coast, most inhabitants of a street composed mainly of Victorian terraced houses, had sensed this and gone indoors."
- One of the reasons this sounds odd is because you use the word 'this' to refer to something from the previous sentence. To use 'this' here, you should be referring to something in the beginning phrase of the same sentence.

Here's an easy fix:
"In a small town in the south coast, the night was hot and sticky as if awaiting a storm. Most inhabitants of a street had sensed this and gone inside of their Victorian terraced houses."
- I just think this gives more clarity to what you were trying to say.

- I do think you need a little more description to the dialogue between Snape and Slughorn.

Here's an example:
"I want to know whether you know anything about what they call miracles, in other words their magic. Is there, in your experience,"he pronounced the word experience slowly and rhythmically, "any truth in any of that? Can they prevent evil entering a place?"

"You better ask a Muggle," Slughorn nearly choked on a great sip of wine.

"A proper Muggle would either go by faith, believing anything without a hint of proof, or by science, doing the absolute opposite. Again, a Muggle born, would see everything as just our magic. None of it is of any use."

Here's my fix:
"I want to know whether you know anything about what they call miracles, in other words their magic. Is there, in your experience," he pronounced the word experience slowly and rhythmically, "any truth in any of that? Can they prevent evil entering a place?"

Surprised, Slughorn nearly choked on a great sip of wine, "You better ask a Muggle."

With the air of someone explaining a simple matter of transfiguring
matches to needles, Snape elaborated,"A proper Muggle would either go by faith, believing anything without a hint of proof, or by science, doing the absolute opposite. Again, a Muggle born, would see everything as just our magic. None of it is of any use."
- I actually didn't change all that much in this interaction. I added a little more description and changed the order of Slughorn's dialogue and description. I find that it's sometimes helpful to provide the description before the dialogue, especially when it alters how the reader would imagine the dialogue.

Ok, that's all for now. Keep up the great work! I'm really enjoying the plot!

Author's Response: Another wonderfully helpfull review. When I started this story, I hadn't written anything for something like 10 years and I had this tendency not to qualify dialogue too much. When people started to point this out, I tried to remedy this but I think, eventually, went to the other extreme. I'm still trying to find my feet in this regard. By the way, your transformation of the description paragraph read the street is wonderful. If you don't mind, I may change it to exactly how you wrote it.

I'm pleased that you like the characterisation of all the characters, especially Snape since it seems that he is hard to capture and we all seem to have different ideas as to what he really is like. Yes, you guessed right, he does know which side he's on, but it doesn't want to give it away. He will be pretty evasive in this regard for a while yet but something will happen that will show the reader his true colours.

Muggle elements will be pretty important in this story, the Muggle religion is just one of this. My rationale for that is that this is something that Voldy is almost guaranteed to overlook.

Really well-thought review. Thanks so much!

 Report Review

Review #16, by punk poet 

30th March 2008:
i liked the envolvement of slughorn. he should of been more used in fanfic's. the muggle magic idea i don't it cud be be good or bad. i like your writing style but your a bit quick not taking time to discuss the places or emotions and sometimes i'm not sure who's talking

Author's Response: Yes, I think Slughorn can be "explored" more. He's not a huge player in this, but he does contribute to the plot in some ways. I'm very flattered that you like my writing style. Yes, some people said I should describe more, yet someone also mentioned, when I went a bit overboard on qualifying dialogue that I was cutting the flow. I guess, I'm still struggling to find a happy medium but bear in mind that I hadn't written for about 10 years before I started this. I appreciate reviews a lot because I'm still trying to find the right balance. The muggle religion thing could be controversial but that's partly what attracted me to write an AU version of DH with mature rating, to delve into avenues that would be inappropriate with a lower age rating.

Thanks so much!

 Report Review

Review #17, by juls 

23rd March 2008:
A truly interesting meeting between Severus and Horace. I've never been a fan of Slughorn myself, maybe because of the 'fence riding' you pointed out. In as much as Riddle found out about Horcruxes doesn't bear anything in my thoughts- it's the fact he tried to cover it up. Severus doesn't trust him, and while I don't think he's 'evil' his mind could be picked for information. So.. completely understandable as to why Severus doesn't say which side he's on.

Great chapter again my dear.


Author's Response: Well, Sevvy has to act out his part whilst also trying to obtain information. Slughorn, well, I think he is a bit selfish insofar that his top priority is always his own safety, and Snape knows how to play him, but I agree that he's not evil.

I'm glad I got you interested. Thanks so much.

 Report Review

Review #18, by Gords7015 

17th March 2008:
Hmm, Slughorn couldn't do magic in a church. So God blocks out magic in certain places? So does that mean that they stage the battle in a big cathedral?

Interesting chapter. There was once sentence in Hermoine's letter (The part about Sirius) which I had to read several times to get, so maybe look at checking that.

Author's Response: Ah, it will be revealed a little later on that it is possible to do a little magic but for specific purposes, never for anything remotely dark, so the effect is limited. You have given me an idea now, though. However, we saw in GoF that it is possible to do magic in a graveyard, but this could be an interesting point for me to think about. Really interesting observation...

Now, Hermione and the gang were used to write to Sirius when they couldn't fanthom something out so I guess she misses this option and apologises to Harry because he was the one most affected by his death, but thanks for pointing out that this may be confusing. I'll check to see if I can make it clearer. Thanks so much again!

 Report Review

Review #19, by AnnaKay 

14th March 2008:
Really good story, I can sense that you are preparing for a very involved story. Ahh you have to love Snape being able to put all of the pieces together and be so manuplitive. Slughorn is such a very easy person to control and use for anybody's uses.

It is funny how he selects the same church that Hermione and her mother goes to sometimes. I wonder how he is doing on his quest? Seems like to me he would work as hard as possible to get everything done, just to save his hide.

Oh, I just managed to find this story one time just trying to read, and when I got your request and then started reading I was really happy because I got to finish it!

Author's Response: Yes, Snape has quite a lot on his hands but he is quite logical, so yes, he will try to ensure that all the pieces fit together although he can't win all the time... I guess you have already worked out which side he is on.

Thanks so much for reviewing this and I'm so please that you like it. Yes, this story has several plots going on at once, but hopefully it will all fall into place in the end.

 Report Review

Review #20, by hogwarts_witch 

5th March 2008:
Wow. Another awesome chapter!
I really didn't see any mistakes in this one, except for a few missing periods, such as the one missing in the second to last paragraph.

I also wanted to tell you that I love the idea that you came up with for this story. The idea of the wizards wondering if the 'muggle' church could somehow help them in anyway. I never read something quite like that, so it's very interesting.

Also, I just wanted to mention that I love the detail you add to your stories. It makes it so much easier for a reader to get a better picture in their head of whats happening in the story. I hate reading stories that only have dialoge and no detail of whats happening.

Author's Response: Thanks again. I think part of the problem with the missing periods is that normally I edit straight here and the font is small and I somehow don't see the lack of them at times.

With the detail, yes, I have tried to add detail because until I started this, I hadn't written for like 10 years and I had a tendency to do too much unqualified dialogue etc.

I'm very pleased that you find the story interesting. I thought it would create a strong contrast, Muggle religion and a pure-blood obsessive like Malfoy.

Thanks again so much.

 Report Review

Review #21, by Mrs_Sirius_Black_4eva 

4th March 2008:
Once again, a very good chapter. I'm very interested in this story! My pregnancy has worn me out a bit, though, so I'm going off to bed. I'll read some more chappys tomorrow! Excellent job!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I hope you feel rested soon. I must finish reading your story too and leave some reviews. I'm glad you like it!

 Report Review

Review #22, by Unwritten Curse 

15th February 2008:
This is a very interesting fanfic, and I'm only on chapter two. Haha. I rather enjoyed reading it thus far, and now I have a review as you requested. (;

Harry's talk with his aunt was very believable, and both characters were done perfectly. Especially Petunia. I like the way that she was anxious when she spoke about the wizarding world, but also enraged when they spoke about her being in danger and whatnot. Great characterizations. Slughorn "dying in style" - ahaha, once again, perfect characterization. It seems like something he would do, considering how full of himself he was.

I can see what you mean about your ongoing battle between dialogue and descriptions. Haha. It seems like you added your descriptions to the beginning and end of the chapters, in an attempt to balance them out, and kept the dialogue near the middle. You might want to go through them again and make sure to add some more description to the middle of your chapters. But your writing is very enjoyable, so don't worry too much. It was still an amazing story, and if you hadn't mentioned that you were struggling with those two things, I wouldn't have noticed.

9/10 for these two chapters. Great work.

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm really encouraged by your review and that you find the story interesting. Originally, I started because I couldn't wait for DH to be pubished and I intended for it to be what I thought it maybe but as soon as I wrote the first scene, I realised I was delving into something different, something that probably JKR couldn't do for fear of controversy.

I am particulary pleased that you like Harry and Petunia's characterisations because different readers have had different views on these two and Slughorn, yeah, he can be a bit of a fun figure at times with his need for creature comforts.

The dialogue/description conundrum, yes, I'm still struggling with this but I am really happy that is not that bad, as you said you wouldn't really had noticed it much, had I not mention it.

I hope you continue to enjoy it and thanks so much.

 Report Review

Review #23, by Aurora Dawn 

12th February 2008:
Hi Morgana,

I'm curious how important religion is going to be in this story. Will it become a major theme? That's something Rowling shied away from -- probably wisely because of the controversy this series has always stirred. We fan fiction writers have much more freedom, so in some ways, our stories can achieve a depth that hers never could. I like the idea of you bringing religion into a Harry Potter story. I've always wanted to do it in my novel, but I haven't found an opening yet. The idea of equating magic with miracles is very interesting. I've actually read religious articles that suggest the same thing.

Your characterizing of Snape continues to be well done. I love Snape dearly and I can't understand how I didn't figure out that he had been in love with Lily. Apparently you were one of those far seeing individuals who figured it out and were secure enough with it to go ahead and put it in your story. Good for you. His reaction to Slughorn's suggestion is right on the mark. He's fighting with so much shame and guilt related to Lily that it probably causes him pain just to hear her name.
It's amazing how Snape, who always had such a cold exterior, was capable of such passionate love.

The only criticism I have is one that I mentioned over on the forums. Harry and Hermione's language sounds a bit formal and stilted. I know your goal is to mature them, but their speech patterns would not have changed immensely in the length of time between Dumbledore's death and the time this story starts. I notice that Harry doesn't use many contractions, and I think that's what makes him sound so formal. But, if you find out an easy, cut and dry way to mature the way your characters speak, let me know. That's an issue I have deal with in my Marauder stories as they grow from year to year.

Again, good job.

Author's Response: Thank you once again for the lovely and encouraging review.

Now, religion? Well, I think I have been obsessed with the topic all my life. We did have a chat about it in the forums once so you basically know that I'm sort of Christian and Pagan at the same time. To me sometimes is like people putting a text into different languages, the content remains, the form changes. I reckon we probably after all, barking at the same tree. This is the message that subconsciously I was trying to get across. Also, a bit of topic, I find it so sad that we are still engaged in religious war, in this day and age! Religion will be very important in my story, but not all the time, I mean, certainly not in most chapters. Draco is going to learn a lot in this story and probably change quite a bit. I agree with you that poor Jo couldn't go into this too much because of the controversy. I think she subconsciously wanted to though, the theme of the books is so much like Christianity anyway and the use of magic, well. She is definitely not a Wiccan because she has said that herself but I'm pretty sure she knows about some of the stuff. What makes me mad, sorry for the rant, is when Hollywood portrays Wiccans as Devil worshipers. I could go on an on. Now, the miracles element, wow, someone else spotted this very recently too. It seems logical to me but maybe, I'm beginning to believe in the HP world for real! (which would be worrying lol). There is also so much we don't know, that we can't explain with science. My OCs are actually a Muggle priest and a parapsychologist. She will play a part as well. She is actually Tom Riddle's Senior former girlfriend (the stuck up girl riding with him) many years afterwards. I thought of an interesting sub-plot with her, and she will be very sort of science-based but with experience of the magical world. So, yeah, there is more on religion!

Now, I'm impressed that you like my Sevvy. Bless him! In my opinion he had a childhood worse than Harry's. At least Harry was loved once he went to Hogwarts, I don't think Snape ever was. Maybe only by Lily. Yes, I guess that from the clues in book 5 and for little comments Jo made in interviews. I personally think he deserved her more than James, although then again, he turned his back on her for the sake of the dark side. Yes, I also think that it often happens that the deepest people can be the most secretive, and even cruel.

Now, the dialogue with the trio, yes, you have made an excellent point, more contractions, that maybe the way forward! If I find a secret recipe, I promise to pass it on!

Thanks so much!

 Report Review

Review #24, by Browneyes101 

9th February 2008:
Here I am once again. :)

Your characterization for Slughorn is almost right up their with J.K. Rowling. Also your paragraphs are nicely separated, which makes the chapter flow better.

I think you used too many exclamation points. You almost used them in every other sentence; when you start doing that it kinda boring after a while, though you only have it like that at the end.

I found some grammar errors, you might want to get that cleaned up. Try and make Snape's profile more bored looking, remember that's how his character is in the books, when the character is closer to the book the more people want to read your story.

Other than that, you did good. You kept me interested through the whole thing; I really liked the part when Hermione came in, it's always good to throw a new character in there sense Harry and Snape were in the last one.9/10


Author's Response: Thanks so much for this again. Yes, I think I have a tendency to put too many exclamation marks in. I will re-read it for errors. Snape, yes, I guess he is a hard character to do. I really like writing him but he is not easy.

Thanks so much.

 Report Review

Review #25, by Renfair 

4th February 2008:
HI!! I'm FINALLY back to do some more reviews! I've been super busy with work, but I had the day off today XD

I'm really REALLY liking the tie-ins with Muggle religion that you're doing. It's really a fascinating idea, and though I'm sure other people have written about in fan fic, yours is the first I'm reading. So all kudos go to you! I'm going to keep these reviews a bit short so I can hopefully get a good number of chapters read tonight.

This chapter was great, but one thing I noticed was that the conversation between Slughorn and Snape seemed a bit "heavy" to me. I think maybe if you put in a few more contractions it might help it sound more like natural, conversing English. Severus can probably get away with less contractions because he is such a stiff, formal character.

I really liked this line: "He had spent most of his life-time recruiting acquaintances amongst the rich, the famous and the talented but now, in his hour of need, he didn't have a single friend he could confide in." --Really good insight there. It's always the people who try to be friends with everybody who end up in the end being true friends with nobody.

Ok, on to the next chapter! 10/10! *hugs*

Author's Response: Baby, I'm so impressed you are making the time to continue to read and review. I promise to reciprocate again too, hopefully tomorrow, and I'm in awe with your story. Well, you know I'm a Sevvy obsessive too. And you and Jessie, running it all by youselves! If I can be any help at all, please do not hesitate. Trouble is, I'm rubbish at IT. I almost drove Jessi mad about a sig!

Now, back on the topic of the review. Thanks so much, yes Slughorn, although I'm fond of him, well he is a bit of a snobby "people's collector". I mean, my partner collects Roman coins, so each to their own, but surely he doesn't expect the items to become his true friends! lol I know exactly what you mean there and I'm now glad I put that paragraph in.

As for description, a lot of you say that, that more is better (with the dialogue), yet I have had a recent review saying I qualify almost every sentence and that most pubished authors don't do this. This is true and JKR herself doesn't always or particularly but then again. Ok, I started with virtualy non-description because I had written for about 10 years, then I added some, then I added a lot more. Now, I have readers telling me it's still not enough and others saying it's way to much, too distracting and that it ruins the flow. Ok, wow, yes, we all have to develop our own style in the end (a bit regardless or readers) but who do I listen to? I'm so confused I may start a thread on this.

Please, in no way, I was attacking you constructive criticism, on the contrary, I'm kind of begging for further advice since I want to get it right but I'm absolutely lost.

I'm glad you like the plot and my meddling with Muggle religion. Muggle religion interests me. I guess I'm a cross-over between Christian and Pagan and fairly spiritual but my being eclectic reaches levels than many may not tolerate, so I'm always mindful about being extremely respectfu to all. I have contacts in most religions though, and for me, it's just fascinating. I felt that JKR couldn't really approach the subject because of the age rating. Since this is fanfic and I can do what I may, within sensible limits, I went for it all the way!

Now, our Sevvy (you have to share him with me if we're to remain friends, lol *laughs*), yes, you will see more of it. I'm particularly excited as to what you make of him in chapters 13 and 14 (but don't jump to them because they won't make sense if you do). Let's say, he will cry. He may even survive actually.

Hugs xxx

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login
Add a Review
<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>