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83 Reviews Found

Review #1, by datbenik513 

9th May 2009:
Finally, I got some time to sit down and get a good read I haven't had the time for for months.

Right in the first chapter, you raise two serious questions. The possibility of a bad wizard being reformed and a possibility of reconciliation between Harry and Petunia. Now, I need to admit that I see more chances of the first one happening...

Very literate writing, a pure lust to the eye and brain. You haven't won the Dobby for nothing, after all :) I'm hooked and will have to read on.

Author's Response: Oh, thanks so much for starting to read my fic and for your reviews. I know the feeling completely. I'm so behind with so many stories .

Now the reform of a certain wizard, well, he is a major character in this story, so there will be important developments but his whole personality won't change overnight. He's still someone selfish and cunning albeit probably not evil.

Harry and Petunia... There will be developments with Petunia also, confessions even. I see her essentialy as a weak person. So far, she has more or less admitted being jealous of Lily (but I guess she did so in canon even if indirectly).

Wow, great compliment about the style, which is a great motivating factor right now since I have been rather stuck with this story of late.

Thanks so much!


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Review #2, by SiriuslyPeeved 

1st May 2009:
I am intrigued by Draco's decision to accept sanctuary in a church, and by the beginnings of your story. It follows that Snape would be privy to esoteric research on the intersection of magic and Muggle religion.

I have a great interest in Lily and Petunia's relationship; I think you presented Petunia's reaction very nicely. The pacing in the scene with Harry and Petunia is excellent, especially how you draw in little details to keep the scene "grounded" in the room.

I may not be able to hit every chapter, but I'll try to cover quite a few in the upcoming weeks :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much. I have replied in Gluttony but I don't seem to be able to cut and paste my response so I'll write it again to the best of my memory.

I wrote this story before the publication of DH and I couldn't think of an interesting place for Snape and Draco to have ended up. I was convinced that Voldemort was likely to be angry with both, with Draco for failing to kill Dumbledore and with Snape for disobeying his Orders. My inspiration from this was very sudden and is based in the medieval law custom I explained and I thought it could give this story an interesting twist.

Now, Lily and Petunia, well and Sevvy will come into place later on in the story. I'm amazed that I guess that they knew each other (Petunia and Snape) but there will be more on that later.

I'm very very pleased that you took the time to review these two chapters so please don't worry, review what you can or what you feel like. Honestly, I totally understand also that we all have lives! Thanks so much. x


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Review #3, by mickey potter jr fan 

30th December 2008:
Love the way you began with Harry and Petunia having a conversation. I like the way this is going...let me read on.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I wrote up to and including chapter 14 before DH and I was convinced that Harry and Petunia would talk before he left which of course didn't happen. I hope it sounded realistic though.

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Review #4, by Foxtrott 

29th November 2008:
Heyyo, it's me from the forum. :)

The part about Draco definitely seemed interesting, and I like it that there are two subplots going on in the first chapter. (It's so James Patterson! haha.) That way, we'll be reading one perspective but wonder what's going on in the other perspective. I think it's very hard to write two parallel plots, but the introduction of both subplots is very good. :) I'm especially intrigued by the subplot involving Draco.

However, I thought the "what do you want to know?" and "how can i help?" questions were a bit repititive, and if you were trying to make this story as canon as possible, then Petunia did seem rather OOC (from the book), as I remembered Petunia being more, howdoyouputthis?, unrelenting, and fixed with her stand.

Overall, I thought that this chapter was a good introduction to what would happen next. :) On to the next chapter! :D

Author's Response: Oh, thanks so much! I'm glad you like the idea of using various sub-plots simultaneously. I seem to have a tendency to do this. I wrote up to chapter 14 before DH so it's mainly canon up to HBP and then, well a bit of a mixture. I did wonder where Draco and Snape would end up after the Astronomy Tower and I came up with something that I knew it would not turn up canon but which I considered interesting. I'm glad you are intrigued. Now, Harry's and Draco's stories would converge in a way later on in the story.

Now, Petunia. Yes, she is softer than in canon but I have her being scared of what may happen when the protection on Harry is gone. Part of her is co-operating because of fear and part of her maybe feels just a tad guilty but there will be more on her later. I was a little disappointed that she wasn't able to say anything to him before he left although I liked Dudley's reaction in canon.

I'm glad you are enjoying this in the main.


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Review #5, by Savangel 

24th November 2008:
Firstly, the good stuff. The story itself is very well-written. A lot of fanfics that I've read almost seem to limp along, but you have extremely good flow, especially in the first bit. I can't say too much about characterization yet, except that the Harry-Petunia bit (which really SHOULD have been in the actual DH) was very well done. There isn't much plot yet either, but that's not to say that it's slow either. It's a very good beginning, but it is just the beginning.

I have only a few criticisms to make. First of all, there are a few minor grammar/missing or wrong word issues, but those are only a problem for me at least when I'm reading it with an eye for it. So not really a big deal. Secondly, the dialogue, while realistic in the sense that the character's are all reacting as they would, could use a little bit of work with the flow. For example, you used the word "also" a couple different times, in contexts that are very emotional, with Harry speaking to Petunia and with Lily writing to Petunia. Maybe it's just me, but "also" seems to have a very logical connotation, like someone sitting across from you and calmly listing rational points for or against something. It's a term that I hear used a lot in debates, but not in arguments, if that makes sense.

All in all though, it really gets me interested. I'll get the next chapter very soon, I promise.

- Savangel

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your lovely review. I'm glad that the idea got you interested and that you think it flows well in the main. Now, in terms of plot, yes, there will be a lot of that, sometimes I wonder if even too much (because there will be many overlaying sub-plots as well). Yes, of course, it is too early for you to get a complete general feeling of the story.

I agree that I thought Petunia and Harry "had" to talk before he left. Well, they nearly did in DH, but not quite. I wrote up to and including chapter 14, by the way, before DH.

Thanks for mentioning there is the odd error. I re-read that and I have found one word missing which I shall go and insert. Now, the word also, I'm not sure, it is a conjunction that is meant to link things. I'm not entirely sure that it should not be used in emotional situations but I will re-read again to see if it gets repetitive, thanks for mentioning this by the way.

Anyhow, I'm glad that you like my writing and plot.

Thanks so much.


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Review #6, by Cedrics Blueyed Girl 

24th November 2008:
Hey, it's jetergirl from the forum!

I usually start with criticisms and finish with compliments, because it seems nice and cheerful that way but I simply must start by saying: you are a fabulous writer. Anyways, on to the criticisms (because I know you're just so anxious for them =])

I didn't really have any explicit problems with this chapter at all, actually. Your word choice was hardly arguable and I think the dialogue nicely balanced the description.

It's hard to say much about characterization, as it's only the first chapter, but I look forward to getting to know them all better as the story progresses!

This is a wonderful start to what I'm sure will be a wonderful story!

~CBG

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing.

I'm so glad that you really enjoyed this and you have made my day with all the compliments, I must say.

It's a very long story with several sub-plots going on at once, but of course, this is the first chapter, so I'm just beginning to set the scene for things that will happen later on.


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Review #7, by SpringTime 

11th November 2008:
I love the first part of this story, with Draco and him contemplating everything. It is very well done and the descriptions are perfect. There are a couple of grammatical errors but not many, maybe two or three tops. I do see your point with the dialogue, I know that it is an awkward conversation that Harry is trying to have with his aunt, she just seems to run so hot and cold and I feel that she would normally be more flustered than warm (does that make sense). I am not saying that a relationship would not be possible. God I am rambling, sometimes it is so hard to put into words, but I think she would be more stiff, if that makes sense.
It is a good beginning and I always love to read a story that is someone elses take on what might have happened in DH.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing, babe. Now, I'm so pleased to hear that people still enjoy DH alternatives. I started this because my craving for DH were massive, but then I just couldn't stop since I have the ending in my mind and everything. However, I did seriously fear that no-one would read a 7 year FF ever again! lol

I'm so pleased that you liked the scene with Draco. The idea came to me quite at random after a couple of glasses of wine with friends but it's based on medieval law (I'm actually an English lawyer) lol

Now Petunia. My Petunia has had varying reviews. I guess I was trying to convey that she is only softening up because she is scared, although the way she treated Harry was atrocious and I could imagine a little guilt coming up but I do take your point.

Now, please don't be shy to tell me about errors. No matter how much I re-read my own work, I'm so engrossed in the plot that I seem to miss things.

Thanks so much! x


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Review #8, by Remus_Rocks 

21st October 2008:
Looking forward to seeing what happens to Draco. I really like the interaction between Harry and Petunia, its what I really wanted to see in DH but sadly it never happened.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for embarking into reading this very long story.

Draco will be an important character in this fic and okay, I will put him through the mill. I always thought that Voldy would go after his blood in DH for failing to kill Dumbledore.

Also, yes, I also expected the Harry/Petunia conversation, some kind of understanding at the end. I always thought that the woman was bound to feel a tiny bit of remorse at the end. However, I have analysed Harry at length, and it is almost a miracle psychologically that he turned out so normal after how the Dursleys treated him. I deal with these issues in more detail in the chapter I wrote on him for the "Defining Moments" collaboration. The fact that he was not allowed to talk about his parents is particularly damaging as he ends up bottling up bereavement grief for many, many years and of course he was completely neglected and abused too. I wanted him to be able to let go a bit of his resentment. JKR almost did this but not quiet, in that Petunia was going to wish him luck but the words never really left her mouth.

I wrote up to and including chapter 14 before DH come out. Some of this story contains my predictions, although there are elements that I knew could never really be canon.

Thanks so much, I'm really glad you are enjoying this.


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Review #9, by dracosgem 

20th October 2008:
Hey Vic!

Well, I finally got around to reviewing...whew!! This weekend was a long one...

Anyway, this is beautifully written! I am enjoying the progress between Harry and Petunia, just to let you know--even though I plug Draco, I am also a big Harry fan, but who isn't?? The letter was beautiful and I truly enjoyed Petunia's little trick...

As for Draco, well, the solitude that has been forced on him is quite interesting indeed. It seems like your hinting at his personal growth, which I assumed happened between HBP and DH anyway. I look forward to seeing your interpretation...but for now, on to the next chappie!!

Squeezy Hugs and Licorice Wands!

Nic

Author's Response: Thanks so much Nichola! I thought there ought to be some kind of conversation going on between Harry and Petunia before he actually lives. The woman should be ashamed of how she treated him all these years and maybe deep down she is, well... a little. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed the scene.

Now, Draco yes, he will undergo a lot of personal development in this story and let's put it this way, Harry's life is on the up for a while whilst Draco is just the opposite. Both will be important characters in this story. In a way the way the Dursleys treated Harry has made him a very strong person whereas Draco was always very spoilt and will find it a lot harder than Harry to cope with what life throws at him.

Thanks so much babe!


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Review #10, by LuckySeven 

13th June 2008:
Hello! Im replying to your review request! first of all great writing it is very mature and developed. in your areas of concern you were worried about alot of things that really aren't problematic! the flow is wonderful and it's obvious how much work you put into your writing. I think the characterization is very good and Petunia was very believable. this story is intersting and i plan to read the whole thing when i find the time! thanks for being a great writer, i can't wait to read more!!
LuckySeven

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Review #11, by Varda 

12th June 2008:
Varda from the forums here! I'll just be doing critique at first, then what I thought of the chapter at the end.

Mkay, characterization of Draco is hard to determine when there's no dialogue from him as of yet, though I find it hard to imagine Draco using the term "Merlin's beard", even in his thoughts.

I feel that the characterization of Harry and Petunia are a bit off, though. I personally think it's hard to write Harry because I feel he doesn't have one of those personalities that stands out, but something on him in this chapter just seems not right. I think he may just be a bit too forward with Petunia, and her too him... normally they would hardly ever talk with each other, which I think would probably still stand even if Petunia was trying to help him. I think there'd be a certain degree of uncomfort when trying to talk to Harry on her side, epecially when by herself, because she's hardly ever done it before. I don't think she'd talk much at all, and Harry'd be the only one really progressing the conversation forward, perhaps getting a bit irritated before the end of it, per Harry-style.

Anyways. I think you had a problem with flow in this one paragraph-- twas a bit choppy, and maybe you should tweak it a bit. See, here it is:

Although he was somewhat hungry, he had no desire to sit with the Dursleys. He was also too tired and too weak to argue, to dismiss the invitation. He dragged himself down the stairs. He was surprised to find his aunt on her own. Apparently, Dudley and Uncle Vernon had gone out. She didn't say where.

And now, see how it reads when I edited it a bit:

Although he was somewhat hungry, he had no desire to sit with the Dursleys for however long it took to eat dinner. Then again, he was also too tired and too weak to argue and dismiss the invitation; so he dragged himself down the stairs, surprised to find his aunt on her own. Apparently, Dudley and Uncle Vernon had gone out, though she didn't say where.

See how it kinda flows better? I didn't see much of a flow problem with anything else, though, so you're pretty much okay with that.

Lily's letter. I dunno, something seemed a bit too.. straightforward about it. Maybe add in a 'how are you?' or a few of the usual questions, to show how it actually did pain her to be separated from her sister. Maybe break that letter into a few paragraphs, too, so it's not all bunched together.

...asked Petunia looking around as if to ensure that no one else was listening. - A comma needs to be added after 'Petunia'.

Alrighty, now your chapter was cleverly done, with views from both Draco and Harry and both of them remembering separate quotes from Dumbledore. Kind of brings the realization that he's dead down very hard. Although the letter from Lily to Petunia and being given to/found by Harry is a bit cliche, not much else in this story was, which is lovely.

Take care, and I'll be reviewing the next chapter soon,
Varda

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the very detailed and inightful review.

I decided to do the opening scene with someone other than Harry. I guess, I enjoyed it more in the books when the opening scene was a wild card, like the Riddle Mansion, or the Prime Minister's office. Draco can be a bit hard to do since, although he is a central character, he doesn't say an awful lot in the books, and normally he just insults Harry and his friends. There is quite a bit of Draco in this story.

Now, Harry and Petunia. There had been lots of conflicting opinions here, and many like you thought that they were both out of character. I guess that in my mind despertate times call for desperate measures. On the other hand, I wonder whether I have created my own Harry in my mind. I feel very in tune with him emotionally; he is my favourite character but maybe I haven't captured JKR's Harry.

I thought he was not quite rude but fairly dismissive. Yes, they had talked very little up to that point in all those years but she is scared regarding the end of the protection and Harry also wants to find out as much as he can, so I thought they just had to co-operate. I hope, however, that they don't come across as if they now have got to really like each other all of a sudden. There is an understanding between them but they are never going to be best of friends. I'm not entirely sure whether this comes across, though.

I have changed the paragraph to be more in line with your suggestion and deleted the sentence about anyone listening, since of course, they are on their own and she knows it. I realised that it was unnecessary.

The letter, well, I wrote up to and including chapter 14 before DH and I was convinced that there would be a letter from Lily, which indeed there was in DH but I guess that perhaps this has been far too used in fanfic.

Obviously, what I guessed wrong was the importance of Lily's wand but decided to follow my original plan in any event, since there would be little point in trying to re-write DH.

I'm really glad that you enjoyed the chapter generally though and that you liked how it was done.

Your reviews are very good and give plenty of food for thought.

Thanks so much.


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Review #12, by NevillesSoulmate 

8th June 2008:
This is intriguing! I haven't read any fanfictions where religion and the Wizarding World mix, and it's quite an interesting concept that you've set up. I think you gave us the perfect amount of Draco at the beginning, since it made me interested but it didn't give away too much. I can't wait to see where this goes.

I really like your characterization of Petunia. I feel somewhat sorry for her, and I'm very glad she's helping Harry; it shows that she's human, a side I like to see in her.

I can already tell that the plot is thought out and well-developed. An amazing start!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely review.

The idea of using the church as a means of protection was inspired actually by medieval English law, where criminals could seek sanctuary in a monastery for up to 40 days. Draco will feature quite a bit in this story and he is not in for a smooth ride.

I'm glad that you like my Petunia. Some people thought that I made her too mushy. It's hard sometimes to figure out what is out of character and not. I thought that she had to react in some way to Harry leaving for good, and part of her motivation is fear, of course, but I reckon she is human too after all. She will also play a larger role than in DH.

I'm really pleased to have intrigued you.

Thanks so much!


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Review #13, by Potterholic 

7th June 2008:
Interesting start! I like how you wrote the talk between Harry and Petunia. I like that, though she was concerned for him, she was more worried about Dudley and Vernon. I also like the bit at the beginning about Draco and how he hid in a church. I’m looking forward to see how you’re going to write that part. ^_^ Good job!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! Well, Draco and the church is my wild card. It will be really central to the story. This is one of the two elements that I knew couldn't happen in canon but wanted to explore anyway.

Now, I'm so pleased you liked my Harry/Petunia interaction. Again, Petunia plays a bigger role here than in canon...


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Review #14, by Lilau 

6th June 2008:
Hello it’s Lilau from the forum.

I decided against my need (short story) and chose what I found the most interesting summary. So here I am.
I was not so inclined at first to read this story because I’m a canon “freak” and I am afraid of every story that is not canon. But I must say that your first chapter is really good and I really enjoyed reading it (and want more ^_^). That is to say that your chapter is a very good start and really make readers to want to keep reading.

The only down thing I can find is the abrupt change between the first part and the second part of your chapter. For me it comes to quickly and the separating line is not very good. I don’t want to be mean (I’m also doing that kind of abrupt change). But I’ve thought about something while reading your chapter. Maybe to smooth things a little bit you can have the same object in the two paragraphs that would link them. For example you can have Draco looking at a quill/mirror and then the similar quill/mirror that is being seen by Harry: Draco → Quill/Mirror in the church→ Quill/Mirror in Harry’s room→ Harry. That’s just an idea though. Don’t mind me if you don’t like my idea.

The part with Petunia was great. After being a character I really didn’t like she redeemed herself in my eyes in the fifth book and I have always been eager to read more about her. Your chapter made my day. That was exactly what I was waiting for. You gave her deeper emotions and a real depth. You succeed in writing and exploring what Rowling just touched upon (brushed past??, sorry if I’m not clear there). It’s exactly how I’ve thought she would behave with her nephew when her husband is not around.

Okay now I’m off to the next chapters. See you there!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing this story, especially since you don't normally like AU and since this is a very long thing.

I'm really pleased that you enjoyed my opening scene. I wanted to do something a bit different and I didn't want to start with Harry. Also, I wrote this before DH (up to and including chapter 14) and I was curious as to where Draco would end up. I was convinced that Voldy was going to go for his blood for failing to kill Dumbledore.

Petunia, yes, I wanted to explore her a bit further. I always thought that she was a bit better than Vernon, or a bit more complex perhaps although, ok, she has a lot of hang ups and she can be rather silly about what the neighbours would think and what not.

Now, I see your point in terms of the two scenes being a bit disjointed. However, I think I wanted to show a contrast. I do that later on as well, there is one chapter, for instance where Percy is talking to Voldemort, followed by Hermione in her parents' house in a more mundane sort of note but I guess this could be a matter of personal preference.

I'm so glad to you found this interesting though.

Thanks so much for your detailed review!


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Review #15, by shadowycorner 

20th May 2008:
Hey Morgana, here I am from the forums. Well, I'll try going through a few chapters and then decide what next. I'll PM you afterwards, okay? :) For this chapter, i really like your writing. i mean, punctuation and tense issues...I know them very well and therefore I am empathic, heh. The brief beginning with Draco hidden in a Muggle church was intriguing. It had this odd, eerie feeling, which was good and made me want to know more about him hiding there.

The longer part of the chapter was touching. I really liked your portrayal of Harry and the way his thoughts flow, especially the bit when he recalled Dumbledore telling the difference between the right and easy. Petunia seemed a bit too nice to me, but that's probably because I've already read the seventh book and know how she acted in the end. Though I have to say that your version is quite believable.

No wonder this story has so many reviews. I also congratulate you on even spinning off your own version of the seventh year since i take it that you posted this before the release of Deathly Hallows.

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I started writing this because I couldn't wait for DH and then, after 14 chapters, I though, ok, I just have to continue with it whatever the weather!

Draco and the church gets the inspiration from Medieval English Law (but it took a couple of glasses of wine for me to actually use that idea!) but I thought it may work, lol

Now, yes up to and including chapter 14 was written prior to DH, then I decided to continue on that vein regardless. Now that I know what happened in DH, well I got some stuff right, some wrong but I wrote the ending before DH and I'm taking liberties because I write mature ( like religious references, the odd sex scene etc),

Now Petunia, I wish JKR had softened her up a bit! and I guessed that she knew Snape, but here, without making them lovers or a ship, I go a little further....

Thanks so much!


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Review #16, by GryffindorGirl007 

16th May 2008:
Hello there! I'm here from the forums (FINALLY!) to review your story :)

Sorry to get back to you so late. I don't usually get this far behind with my reviewing but I was sick for a week and catching up with all my school work was almost impossible...Anyways, I'm here now.

To start off, you have a great first chapter going here. Wonderful descriptions and very nice sentence and plot flow. It's nice that you started this story similarly to one of the actual Harry Potter novels. It brings the reader a familiar feeling which I personally enjoyed.

I also liked your characterizations. I never really like Aunt Petunia (really, who did?) but I think you portrayed her as a deeper human being than the books do which is nice to see. I also liked the introduction with Draco Malfoy. He was written very canon-like which appealed to me.

Overall I thought it is a very nicely written chapter. I'm off to read more!

GryffindorGirl007

Author's Response: Thanks so much and, please, do not worry about taking your time! I'm behind with everything myself!

I'm very flattered that you enjoyed my opening scene. I wanted for it to be powerful and not Harry centred. Yes, I thought about how some of the books in the series started in Little Hangleton or the Prime Minister office!

I hate Petunia too, but ok, wait and see... because there is more to her than it meets the eye.

I'm really pleased that you like my story because, after DH, I thought, what's the point? but then I had already 14 chapters written and the end and I was enjoying writting it.

People like you reviewing make my efforts worthwhile! x


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Review #17, by celticbard 

18th April 2008:
Hi morgana!
I really enjoyed this first chapter. The beginning was gripping, infused with Draco's desperation and utter fear. I loved the setting as well, a church. It was indeed unique and I found Draco's mixture of curiosity and disdain quite realistic. He is, after all, a pureblood and hiding in such a muggle place, even a holy one, must be unnerving for him.

I also thought the transition from Draco's point of view to Harry's was quite well done. Even though they are enemies, they are both in the exact same position. Alone, desperate, hiding from Voldemort. The irony itself is riveting.

Harry's discussion with Petunia with quite original as well. I really wish Rowling had fleshed out the Dursleys a bit more and explored Petunia's childhood with Lily. But you're doing a rather fine job of it yourself, it seems.

Your writing was quite good, overall. I only noticed a few rough sentences. They are as follows...

What on Merlin's beard was he doing in that building?
This should be, What in Merlin's beard was he doing in this building?

Severus was a half-blood after all.
This should be, Severus was a half-blood, after all.

Maybe, that was why no sign had come, why he was still there, waiting.
This should be, Maybe that was why no sign had come, why he was still there, waiting.

Was it possible to do magic in that place?
This should be, Was it possible to do magic in this place?

Those words resonated in Harry's mind time and time again.
This should be, These words resonated in Harry's mind time and time again.

They had treated him worse than with contempt, almost with cruelty.
I think this would sound better as, They had treated him with contempt and sometimes, cruelty.

Ron and Hermione had insisted on coming with him but he had known that that would have only made matters worse.
This should be, Ron and Hermione had insisted on coming with him, but he knew that would only make matters worse.

Soon, it would all be over, he would leave them for good and, then he would have to face something no one would ever be ready for.
This should be, Soon it would be all over, he would leave them for good and then, he would have to face something no one would ever be ready for.

He would now try to sleep, even though it was only early evening...
I think this would sound better as, He would try to sleep now, even though it was only early evening...

"Harry, I would like to have a little talk," she said in very low voice, like if she was embarrassed.
This should be, she said in a very low voice, like she was embarrassed.

"You are leaving us soon, is that right?" started Mrs Dursley, keeping down her gaze, playing with the rings on her fingers.
This should be, started Mrs. Dursley, keeping her gaze down, playing with the rings on her fingers.

"That's right. I am only here because Professor Dumbledore asked me to.
I think this would sound better as, That's right. I am only here because Professor Dumbledore asked me to stay.

"My world would have existed even if you haven't heard of it, I can assure you," Harry replied trying to remain composed.
This should be, Harry replied, trying to remain composed.

If you tell me what I ask you, I won't bother you ever again. Also, despite the way you have treated me, I will try to keep you all safe, if at all I can, I promise!" vowed Harry looking straight into her eyes.
This should be, I will try to keep you all safe, if I can at all, I promise!

"Very well." She suddently rose from her chair and went upstairs.
Typo. It should be "suddenly".

"Does it mean that you wish to continue in touch with me after I am gone?"
I think this would sound better as, Does that mean you wish to stay in touch with me after I am gone?

This is a good fic, morgana and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Good luck!

Best,
celticbard

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your in-depth review. I will go and fix the errors as soon as I get a chance (my laptop has packed in and I've been loging in from the library, a friends etc). I will be able to use the net at work but in moderation.

I'm really pleased that you like the theme and especially the point of view transition. Yes, well you really hit it with a nail on the head when you said that Draco is sort of in Harry's position, well, it will get a lot more so later...

Petunia plays a bigger part in this that she did in canon and I guessed that she knew Snape, although not that they were neighbours.

Your reviews are great because it just exactly like getting you to beta! I can see how much effort you put in your reviews and how good you are at picking up small details that I tend to miss.

Thanks so, so much!


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Review #18, by Shellee 

16th April 2008:
I'm going to comment per chapter since I'm not too sure if I'll be able to read this through in one go.
So, here we go;
The first part is Draco, right? Hmm, I guess he doesn't really like to be thought of as a Muggle, but I hardly think he can complain if it's going to save his life, specially from Voldemort. I'm sure he'll come to see that. I'm very intrigued to seeing Draco in a church though. Those two hardly seem to go together, hehe.
For Harry it's a bit awakening, I guess, having to have such a conversation with your aunt. I'm glad it seems that she cares for him at least, if only slightly. Though, his life would have been so much better if she showed it more during the years he was there. Not like they had to see him much the last six years since he was at Hogwarts. To me it seems she's more concerned about Harry than her own safety. She says and acts as if it's all about the safety of her family, but I think it goes deeper. After all she was his guardian for sixteen years and however horrible they were to him, you can't just conjure up a caring nature all of a sudden. It made Harry to who and how he is, didn't it? All the avoiding and ignoring made him want to get revenge to Voldemort more. Don't think Petunia has much to complain about of having her family protected, they aren't a target at all. I feel bad for Harry, he should have known about his parents way sooner. Then he has to read that Lily knows they are in danger and Petunia didn't even care enough. I hope she can help him more now and that she's not going to leave out things anymore.
On to the next chapter.

Author's Response: Ah, yes, the first bit is about Draco, of course. I always thought that Voldy wouldn't let him off the hook as much as he actually did in DH (I wrote this before DH, of course). Yes, Draco is pretty cunning and dying at Voldemort's hands in not really on his agenda, so yes, he will put up with trying to pretend to be a Muggle.

Now, Harry and Petunia, well, she is genuinly worried about being in danger but maybe she feels guilty towards Harry too. She was jelaous of Lily and she probably has taken it out on Harry all these years but I don't see her as someone as uncaring towards him as Vernon. She sits on the fence though, she will allow Vernon to treat him really badly. Now, as for being in danger or not... well, I see that you have found out already!

Thanks so much for reviewing and reading so much and I'm sorry for taking this long to reply but my laptop has literally died.


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Review #19, by Ginerva_Potter 

4th April 2008:
Interesting. I really loved the beginning with Draco. It caught my attention right away and made me interested in the story. I think you are going in the right place with the talk between Harry and Petunia, but I felt a bit disconnected, as a reader. I think the problem is the lack of description. I don't just mean outside description, but more of inner description; the description of thoughts and feelings in the moment. Without the thoughts and feelings, it's hard for the reader to discern how the speakers are talking. For example, if a character is worried, they would speak with a certain voice, a certain tone, etc. If the reader doesn't know the character is worried, the words can take on an unintended meaning. Basically, without the thoughts and feelings, it's all just words. Now, I don't think you need to include all that information after every single line of speech, but it should definitely happen after a shift in thoughts, emotions, or tone or volume of voice. In addition, descriptions of body language in the conversation would add a great deal to the story. I'll give you an example of how to change this:


Original:
"You must understand. What was I to say? And to a child! I didn't even know myself, exactly, how your parents died. You must understand!" Petunia was now almost pleading for forgiveness, whether sincerely or not, Harry couldn't quite decide.

Harry remained silent for a moment and then he added, "There is more, though. You are afraid, you want protection. Well, you know why I am famous in my world, don't you? Because Voldemort used the same curse on me as on my parents but I didn't die, instead he lost his powers. My mother, your sister, made it happen. If I can find the exact spell she used, I might have a slight chance of doing it again. I need to find her wand. If you want to be safe, I have to defeat him and for that, I think I need her wand."

"But you won't, I mean, not that I ever went there but, I believe the house was completely destroyed," argued Harry's aunt.


Example Change:
"You must understand," Petunia was now almost pleading with forgiveness, whether sincerely or not, Harry couldn't quite tell. "What was I to say? And to a child! I didn't even know myself, exactly, how your parents died. You must understand!" Petunia's eyes were searching Harry's eagerly, as if trying to find a spec of compassion and understanding.

Harry remained silent for a moment, returning her stare but not
revealing his thoughts. After contemplating her words, he spoke again, "There is more, though. You are afraid, you want protection." Harry leaned forward slightly, his serious tone frightening Petunia. "Well, you know why I am famous in my world, don't you?" Not waiting for a response, he continued. "Because Voldemort used the same curse on me as on my parents but I didn't die, instead he lost his powers. My mother,your sister, made it happen. If I can find the exact spell she used, I might have a slight chance of doing it again. I need to find her wand. If you want to be safe, I have to defeat him and for that, I think I need her wand."

It was Harry's turn to stare into Petunia's eyes, but this time, his eyes were straining for answers. It was apparent to Petunia this information was vital for whatever Harry had planned. "But you don't, I mean, not that I ever went there but, I believe the house was completely destroyed," argued Harry's aunt, trying to deflect his focus.


So, my example may have gone a little overboard, but I hope you get what I mean from that example. The only other things I noticed were a few grammar related mistakes, but nothing that took away from the story. Overall, I though this was a good chapter. You drew the reader in immediately and got straight to the plot. I think your characterization is good. As we know from reading DH, that's not exactly how the interaction would have happened, but I don't think your characterization is necessarily wrong. You just put a different spin on things. Oh! I just thought of one last thing. Harry seems to be speaking very formally with Petunia. I'm not sure this is accurate. You could construe this as his dislike for her, so he speaks formally, but I would imagine that his disdain makes him speak openly, and almost rudely when he's upset. Again, this isn't wrong. There's more than one interpretation for how he would interact with her, but I thought you might want to make his conversation a little more harsh, rather than formal.

Ok, wow that was long. I hope you found this helpful. I really enjoyed the chapter and am eager to read more! Great start!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your very detail review. It's actually very helpful and I can see all the trouble you gone into with this. I think I get the gist of what is missing here, so at some stage I may have another go at adding more information about how they feel.

I started this before DH and I knew that lots of stuff would be different. It some ways it was my prediction but in others, not at all, like including Muggle religion. I feel very flattered that you find the plot interesting.

Now, Harry being formal, yes, there have been several comments to that effect. I wanted him in this to be a real grown up in some respects. He's not particularly formal with his friends. I guess I didn't want him to be overly rude because he's leaving and although they treated him quite abysmally, I see him as a really good person and perhaps he's a bit sad about leaving in bad terms. He's also at a funny age where most kids consider themselves adults but most adults don't view them in that way.

Great review, you really put a lot of effort into reviewing and it really shows and it's very, very helpful.

Thanks so much!


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Review #20, by punk poet 

30th March 2008:
great i loved the harry petunia but wasn't to keen on the draco at the church bit (even though i'm assuming it's important for the rest of the story) i wasn't to sure who was at the church

Author's Response: Thanks again! Yes, the church element will be very important to this plot. I took the inspiration from medieval English Law, where people who had committed a crime could seek the Church's protection for 40 days. More will be revealed later.

I'm very pleased you like the Harry/Petunia conversation though.

Thanks a lot for reviewing this story too!


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Review #21, by juls 

23rd March 2008:
Morgana,

Lovely beginning, truly. I like how you've shown Draco's fear and despair while hiding. His worries also, and confusion. All remarkably written out.

As for Petunia. things could have been so much different in her life. She could have chosen to accept Harry as is, and raised him correctly. Even in doing that, it wouldn't have changed what happened after he entered Hogwarts- would it? Instead she let petty fears, judgements and hate cloud her whole life. Such a bitter, fearful woman. Even now she has a chance at redemption, and all she wants from Harry is protection. Not love, not forgiveness. (For she truly no clue how wrong she was in her treatment of her only sister's child.)

Eh meh. beautifully portrayed dear.

~~juls

Author's Response: Thanks so much. It seems that we both got to each other's stories simultaneously. I'm glad you liked this chapter. Yes, I think we both put Draco through the paces a bit. I truly expected JKR to do something to make him change.

Petunia, you are right, she is acting primarily out of fear although, she might get to see a bit of the light eventually. Yes, my impression of her is that she is convinced herself somehow that she has been more than fair on Harry. I had actually come across people who are convinced they are ever so kind when they are in fact far from it.

I'm so flattered.


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Review #22, by Gords7015 

17th March 2008:
Ok, coming into this AFTER DH, there are a few interesting things to note. Firstly, I like the awkward attempt at reconsiliation, and I like that Draco is clueless about religion (something that I don't believe is ever mentioned in the wizarding world). However, I wanted to tell you that, as far as I understand it, there was no actual spell that Lily used to protect Harry. She gave her life to save his, that was the protection. So the line where you're talking about Harry finding her wand to find the spell doesn't really work...

Otherwise, sorry its taken me so long to get on this, and nice start!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review and please, do not worry about taking your time. Ok, yes I started this because I couldn't wait for DH but after I wrote the church scene I realise tha this was taking a life of its own. Now the wand, yes, of course. I had 14 chapters written dna the ending before DH and I then decided to continue the story in the vein I intended, as something alternative. I saw little point in trying to out-do JKR after the event, since I'd certainly never manage that lol Also, it would be just too predictable, there would be no uncertainty regarding Harry's fate and so forth. Now, what I find the hardest is to fill in the gaps, the bits I hadn't written before DH came out. I have incorporated some elements of canon but I'm really trying to follow what I envisaged at first. I'm following canon best I can up to HBP though.

Now, Draco and religion, well, I thought religion was somehow in the series but not spelt out. Of course, JKR later said that Hogwarts is a multi-faith school and that wizards have different religions just like Muggles do.

I'm glad you like it regardless of the AU aspects, though and thanks so much!


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Review #23, by AnnaKay 

14th March 2008:
I have read at least a little of the story before. I can remember some of it, and that it was really good, but I could not remember the name.

Great start, really interesting.

Author's Response: I'm really pleased that you find it interesting and, if I happened to have requested before, please forgive my oversight, or perhaps you just came about the story on your own, without my requesting. Anyhow, thanks so much.

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Review #24, by merlins_pants 

9th March 2008:
I really honestly enjoy this story. This is actually a bit like how I thought Deathly Hallows would begin. I really believed that Petunia may be a great source of information for Harry on his quest. My only complaint is that I was a bit put off by the number of long sentences that really TOLD instead of SHOWED. Maybe a bit more facial expressions and emotions that aren't told but rather shown to the reader. Does that make sense? Other than that I think it started and ended on a note that really captured the reader's attention. It makes me really excited to continue on to chapter two and she what Petunia tells Harry. Also, I think you really have a wonderful grasp on the characters. One of my biggest problems with fan fiction is that authors tend to alter characters to how they would want them to act and not how JKR made them to be.
Keep up the great work, Morgana!

xo Merlin's Pants

Author's Response: Thanks so much. Yes, Petunia plays a bigger role here than in DH. I thought that would be the case too. I'm glad you find the characters in character too. I think I know what you mean by "shown" rather than "told", maybe my narrator is a bit too omniscent or something. I may pm you for a bit of clarification on this.

Thanks so much for your review and I'm so pleased that you are enjoying the story so far.


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Review #25, by hogwarts_witch 

5th March 2008:
Amazing first chapter. I loved it!
I really only found a few, very small mistakes. There were a few times, mostly in the beginning of the story, where you forgot to add either a period or a comma. Nothing to serious.

I also found a few sentences that seemed as if you forgot to add a word, and some in my opinin, should have worded a bit differently.
A few examples would be: "she said in very low voice, like if she was embarrassed."
I personally think instead of 'like if she was embarrassed' it would sound better if it was 'as if she was embarrassed'.

"Does it mean that you wish to continue in touch with me after I am gone?"
I think you forgot to add the words 'to stay' in between continue and in.
Anyway, besides those very small, and hardly noticable mistakes, I thought that the story was absolutly fantastic!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing this as well as the one shot. I must confess that punctuation was never my strength.

As for the wording, yes, "as" probably works better than "like" and the second comment, yes, oops, I missed out a couple of words somehow. This may have happened when editing it accidentally.

I'm really please you like the theme here though.


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