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Reading Reviews for Extempore, Chapter 2: Two
  
15 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Billion 

19th February 2012:
Hey there, found a few typos while reading:

It might have been nice if the books had landed right-side up but, given your relative exhaustion ,exhaustion, you had put up a fine performance.

Vaguely, you recalled the summer house in York . York.

Molly had advised you against it, of course, feeling that it was unwise to give a man soas young as Harry hopes of a life like that – a home and a family – but you felt strongly that the boy ought to know he had a place of his own.

"Moody is's looking for you."

You had hoped that he might have noticed her bloodshot eyes and the saddened tone in her usually chipper voice, but it seemed that it had gone unnoticed or, at the very least, unrecognized, as Tonks was paired up with VharliCharlie Weasley, for a tour just east of Surrey.

It had always astonished you, the way that a mechanism so clearly linear could make a decision entirely based on emotional reactions . reactions.

The window is open. Yyou told yourself, as your eyes drifted shut.

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Review #2, by beating_faster 

24th January 2008:
Hmm, so I've finally come back to reread the first two chapters, and you're right, the 'you' definitely wears off after awhile. I'm not taken out of the story as much. I just needed some time getting used to it, I guess. I had a good feeling about this fic from the beginning, but I'd let the point of view get in the way for a time. Sorry for my slowness.

So anyway, I'm not sure where to start. I did say before that I liked your writing, but I'm not sure how to explain why. I guess it's because you paint a really wide picture. There's so much description between the actions that fit perfectly without slowing down the scene. I particularly liked this sentence: One of your favorite things about the kitchen was the way the sounds of the upper floors echoed off the walls, blending into a sort of deafening roar when you listened hard enough.

Mm, yea, you're clearly in control of your writing, probably getting out everything you want to say/see/picture, which is something I need to work on. You show that you really know the natures of the adults' characters. I have a feeling I'll be reading a lot of insights in this fic. I guess I'll be taking it slow, bit by bit then. There's a lot to read. ^,^

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #3, by purewings 

24th August 2007:
Hello BitterEpiphany,

it's me again, the one who writes too long reviews.

I've read several chapters already, but the reason why I'm placing my review here in the second chapter is that here I found several examples of the phenomenons I would like to remark on.
I hope you won't hate me for my criticism.
In order to avoid it I'll start with the good news.

Your language, your humour, your style is excellent. I love it. I also like your adjectives, adverbs, things most modern writers scorn.
I believe these things can be used very skillfully, it only takes a talented writer.

My "negative" criticism concerns some features of your characters. Mostly features they inherited from JKR.
For example Molly Weasley. While Tonks is the archetype of the "fool", Molly is the archetype of the "Mother", the "sitting hen".
It's ok in the HP books, they are not known for sophisticated characters; they use archetypes to make the story "easy to digest". Everything is unambiguous and well-defined. It's based on the same ideas, advertising psychology uses, pretty effectively.

Unfortunately you tend to use some of these features, "pre-cooked", far too evident assumptions, like in case of Molly.
She was always a mother type, you say. Maybe she really was like that, but you added nothing to her character, only reused JKR's not too complex ideas.
As you mentioned it somewhere, you like to be original. You are, in most of the cases, and if you avoid "re-chewing" these stereotypes, you will be perfect.
You don't have to change Molly, just add her some tiny detail, which fits her character, yet which makes her a bit more or different.

The same goes to the Ron and Hermione's bickering match at the very end of this chapter. It's very well written, I bet most of the readers fall for it, but if you really want to be measured by your standards, I say it's a cliché for you. You can do it better,
You have outgrown these reused pictures, easy to write, funny but at the same time outworn scenes, which are in fact empty.

I hope, and say it once again even if it means repeating myself, you won't
feel hurt.
The story is very good so far and these were only my ideas, I might be wrong.

(My, I got totally confused and left you a messy bunch of commas all through my review; Phoenixstorm, who is the "Queen of comma use" in my eyes would scream if she saw it. Sorry for any other possible mistakes as well :D)

Well, till soon, wings
wings

Author's Response: The characterizations of the secondary characters weren't so much a failure of imagination of my part, but more of an interest to convey them as I think this incarnation of Lupin would have seen them.

This will sound terrible, but I always felt that Lupin, by nature of his particular illness would have been a bit of a misanthrope and not all together interested in people as "big" as the Weasley's. They're not a subtle bunch - loud and numerous and caring and sweet but i think he would have found all of this oppresive, judgemental and exhausting. :)


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Review #4, by PhoenixStorm 

1st October 2005:
As enjoyable a chapter as the last. I'll restrain myself from telling you anything wrong with your grammar, as you said you didn't particularly care for it. Actually, your grammar's good on the whole so far. Some fine tuning is needed perhaps. I find it amusing that Precious Rin (in their review) told you to add more descriptions in, you know. All that telling people to only say things if it serves a purpose, that we don't need to know every last detail about what characters are wearing etc. and you get told you lack in description. The irony just gets me. I disagree, by the way, about your descriptions. I think they're very good, and you don't need more. Perhaps mentioning the place would be good, you went from inn to Grimmauld Place without mentioning it until halfway through this chapter, I think. I might hae missed something, though. I got a bit confused at the beginning as to where Molly was, you said 'after she'd gone' as if she left, but then it didn't quite fit. Oh, and 'it took something' would perhaps sound better as 'it cost something...'. Ok, I'm done criticising (except, 'betwixt'? kinda overkill don't you think? Well, it's your story, not mine. I suppose there's nothing actually wrong with betwixt), and I hope you don't mind my doing so. Believe me, i still loved the chapter. It is slightly confusing, but I think this is because of the narrow perspective you have with a second person story. You write that very well, by the way. I can't find fault with your characterisation (not that I'm trying), it's pretty spot-on. I very much liked the touch at the end with Ron and Hermione, lol. I'm intrigued to read further, though it'll probably be a little while before I do. I won't forget about it though, really like the fic. So, great chapter overall really :-).

Author's Response: Would you find me absolutely strange if I told you that betwixt is a regular part of my vocabulary? Because I can refrain from doing so if need be.

I'm an ex-philosophy and law major. I've never used a thesaurus in writing one of my own chapters. Though, I do occasionally have to get one out for a title or when i'm beta reading. One of the hazards of that educational background is that, of all the career fields you can choose, three years on that track will set you off to two things. One is the worlds longest and most well armed debate of ethos. Two is actually calling it ethos.

Why does everyone always think I said I don't care for that? I don't care for whinging about my shipping choices or tendancy not to update. I said that I welcome people teling me that my grammar should be immortalized for school children to laugh at! :P Feel free to nitpick my grammar to death - it's horrid.

My story is largely character driven - or perhaps I should say that my writing is largely character driven, rather than my story. Not being a third party in reading it, I can't say what the readers pick out, but when I'm writing it, I focus on the characters, what their experience of a situation is rather than where they are or what's going on. That said, i'm always open to re-read something and see if i've missed a bit of sense :)

I will have to go look over the bit about Molly again. Sometimes, when I write chapters I write them in blocks and then go away...and then come back...and that can lend itself to accidents and repitition.

To forey back into my 'character driven' defense, I find the second person perspective does wonders for making that possible, but, again, it's out of the norm,hard to get used to (apparently) and as a general notion, character driven isn't a very common method.

Thanks for the review! I'm off to go check on this chapter!


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Review #5, by Precious Rin 

1st October 2005:
OK, BitterEpiphany, you asked to for reviews and I said I would. So, after a bit of time, I have. Your story is bit choppy. Everytime you lapse over a period of time, I have to stop and reread a bit to find out where I am. You've done a brilliant job with Tonks and great job with Remus, too. I also love you description of Molly. Um, let's see, some advice: more descriptions. We know very little of where the characters are. That's another thing that made me have to stop reading and figure it out. I think if you added some decriptions or even just flat-out said where the characters were, the story would flow a bit nicer. I've only read two chapters so far and I'm off to read the rest as you're an excellant writer.

Author's Response: Thank you!

This story is heavily character driven, so much so that the plot takes an entirely secondary post. Thus, I tend to focus on where they are in their heads rather than where they are in the physical realm. Sorry :(


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Review #6, by ivoryangel 

29th September 2005:
i liked this one as well, especially the way you described molly weasley--great job, yet again.

Author's Response: Thank you! I love Molly :)

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Review #7, by Sophia Montgomery 

23rd July 2005:
I lke the humor in this chapter. And the first sentence was really descriptive, I liked it. This was another good chapter!

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #8, by padfootwalks4eva 

9th July 2005:
Yeah, don't worry Remus, people do they when they have to wake me too! Great story and update soon!~

Author's Response: .

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Review #9, by Madame_Puddifoot 

4th July 2005:
Great story i love it and I love how you dare to be different and do a fic on Tonks/Remus...it' such a good story and gives lots of variety and stuff... Update soon! ...please?

Author's Response: .

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Review #10, by Emlow 

30th June 2005:
great chapter! i wonder what moody wanted from remus... or tonks. but remus i'm sure. it would help a lot if you put bigger gaps between different scenes that are changing the view point from on person to another. but ohter that that i think I read everything good! :) keep it up!

Author's Response: View points never change - it always comes from the perspective of Mr. R. J. Lupin. Just an FYI.

The gaps are to deliniate a passage of time that I haven't portrayed in the text :)

I'm glad you're enjoying it :)


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Review #11, by myriad 

24th June 2005:
Oh so it's 'you' is Remus. haha I get it now. I've never read anything like this, reading about remus from remus' perspective really helps you learn more about him. It's very intresting. I'm just sort of angry it took me so long to figure out who the 'you' was! ~myriad

Author's Response: .

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Review #12, by Urvi 

24th June 2005:
I really like the way you write, considering it's a You fic. You don't annoy me with the constant 'you's' in the story. The title's something different too. Keep writing!

Author's Response: .

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Review #13, by Serrrah 

24th June 2005:
A very nice fic indeed...I especially like the title, mostly because I'm a Latin student myself. ^^ Vale! (tee hee....)

Author's Response: .

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Review #14, by bluegirl 

23rd June 2005:
Great job on your story so far. I like how there is a lot of detail in it. Also, how its in Remus' point of view. please keep writing!-blue

Author's Response: .

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Review #15, by Nina_wife_of _Fres 

23rd June 2005:
Hey you didnt take to long to update after all lol. Another briliant chapter =D I really love the way you described Molly I think you caputured her personality perfectly. But I must say that one of my favourite lines in this chapter was " (Wake. Rise. Curse surroundings. Bathe. Eat. Work. Eat. Curse surroundings. Sleep.)" it really made me chuckle. Your writing style is amazing and I can't wait to read the next installment =D *Nina*

Author's Response: .

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