Very good, certainly how I figured at least one of her brothers would react. Report Review
Can't think much more to say that I didn't in the last review. Still going to be exciting to see how everything works out. This one while she was rather rude was cute.
Short but an update so that's good enough for me, didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you are sticking with the story :) It makes me happy and encourages me to write more!
-Sarah Report Review
Overall the story is very interesting. Very few mistakes throughout involving grammar or spelling.
Seems to be overall pretty accurate with what is true to who they are. Report Review
Quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes, a missed word here and there.
Interesting ideas going, however whether or not Sirius' parents would actually let him go spend any part of the summer with James might be questionable and especially them letting Regulus go there.
Also Elle is right around average height for her age. Report Review
Grammar and spelling mistakes, and the summary is needed to make people want to read your story. Report Review
Seems interesting, so far. She seems to be to whiny though, other then that everything looks good, didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes.Author's Response: Whiny doesn't last for long I promise you. You'll see her backbone quite soon I think. Thanks for the review. Report Review
How would she not know what Quidditch is?Author's Response: Simple: Laney isn't very observative. Hope that cleared it all up :) Report Review
The story still seems to be progressing along nicely. The chapters are a little on the short side and there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes throughout it all but other then that it looks good.Author's Response: Thank you. Report Review
Very cute and well written. Report Review
Interesting idea, maybe you should go more into the magic of how everything is work - how this works instead of draco dying and why exactly he owed his life anyway explain that more. It's unclear whether or not they knew each other before, if they all went to hogwarts together they should have known each other.
From here they still have to go back to school right? So how that goes would be interesting -
how her friends deal with is since most of his friends he's probably related too -
Umm I'm not really sure what else to tell you, I'd say maybe layout what you want the ultimate ending to be and maybe start over again.
Mostly at the moment it's just missing a lot of background information.
If you need help or want to run ideas by anyone I'd be glad to help. The idea is good, I've seen the forced marriage idea done a few different ways. Report Review
Very good beginning. It has just enough insite to the characters for the first chapter that it makes you want to keep reading.
Going to be interesting to see how everything works out.Author's Response: I'm so glad you think that ^_^ And yes it will be interesting, hopefully! Thank you for the review :D
-Sarah Report Review
Overall I like the story however my only real problem with it is that if they are really going to have a problem with the fact that she's pregnant and they're not married, than I don't think they would ever have let them live together. Or at least not live together until they were engaged. So my thoughts are that they wouldn't freak out as much, well at least not her parents her brothers still could though.
However it's all up to you.
Spelling all seems to be good, a small grammar problem here and there but nothing big.Author's Response: yeah, idk i just dont think they think about it so if shes pregnant they have to confront reality which would make them freak out. but thanks! Report Review
Seems like it's going to be interesting however Narcissa is a few years older than Sirius. She was born around 1955 and he was born in 1959.Author's Response: Thanks! I know it's a little off canon but I wanted her to be younger for the plot. don't worry the rest will be pretty much canon! Report Review
Interesting so far, can't really saw much about my real thoughts since the background isn't all there yet. Lily being in Slytherin is something I haven't come acrossed before so you get points for that.Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing. I'm glad you find it interesting. Don't ask my why, but I love the idea of Lily being in Slytherin. It makes life a little interesting.
Overall the story seems like it is going to have a good plot line. However there are some mistakes that jump out. Besides the spelling errors, there isn't enough back ground developed. How would Regulus Black have been her best friend? Why would James and Sirius allow that, and how would they even have become friends in the frist place?
Also going over that they're twins and he's 3 minutes older gets annoying.
And is their twin telepathy actually going to play out anywhere else in your story? Or was it just a one time thing.
Mostly I'd like to see more development of the characters and their backgrounds. Other then that it seems like it's going to be a good story.Author's Response: Heyy! So first off, allow? Kirsty is her own person and would tell James and Sirius where to shove it if they told her who she could/couldnt be friends with. And they're both a part of the pureblood community so they were bound to know each other and form some kind of relationship, I just developed it a little without going into heaps of past info that was irrelivent to the story. Also, the twin joke is an on going joke through out the story. And the twin telepathy proves to be very important as the war progresses. I'll try to develop some background stories. Thanks for the CC - Kirsty Report Review
Okay a possible summary for Britt could be something like:
It's hard to choice between what you know is right and what you know to be wrong - when you feel so strongly on a topic that you couldn't possibly understand why anyone else would choose what you think to be wrong. Brittney must make a decision that is life or death and it's not her own life it stake. It's the lives of those she loves. So sometimes is it better to choose what you think is wrong to do good?Author's Response: yeah thats great...
thank you i'll use it and credit you again...
and i've just uploaded a new chapter for got my baby back and i've tried to do everything you've suggested in the other reviews :)
thanks again :)) Report Review
Of course you can use it that's why I posted it, you can credit me if you want to but I honestly don't care either way.Author's Response: thank you i will use it and credit you:)
you've been a big help so you do deserve some credit :)
thanks again:) Report Review
Grammar again, using the wrong there, their, and they're.
Why does she have such a hate for liars?
You might want to find someone to read over your chapters before you post them so they can check for errors.
The story seems to be lacking a background detail. I'm not sure if you mentioned her age earlier or not- if you did I can't remember it.
I personally don't know if she'd want to warm up to her real family so easily. She never knew them, she didn't grow up with them, she doesn't even know anything about them. When was she taken?
And how did no one find her and bring her back sooner?
The idea of the story is interesting but I think it could be done better, but it's your story and you have to be the one who likes it - not me.
My ideas on your story and its base plot line are obviously different from yours.
And maybe a better summary for it would be something more like this:
She had spent most of her life thinking she was one person, but when she and her mother suddenly move to London things start to change. She finds out that everything she had once known to be true was all actually a lie - that the people she had trusted the most had never told her the truth. Now she has to adjust to not only a new school, but a new life, and even a new family.Author's Response: okay...i take on board everything you say and i will go and edit everything again once i have the rest of the story up again.
and thanks for the summary.
please could i use it and of course give credit to you for thinking of it?
thanks for the comments and i will try and improve on my spelling and grammer.
zoeey:) Report Review
Astoria is spelled with an o in it. The writing itself is confusing to follow.
Some explanations for what is going on would be good. Report Review
You need to watch your spelling and grammar. Tone down the exclamation points, people don't shout that often when they talk. Very confused about some parts of the story line. Report Review
The story line so far is very good, however you have a few problems here and there mostly just a missed word, or spelling someone's name completely different, sometimes it is a little hard to follow, but overall it's very good and I enjoy it. Oh and it's Fenrir Greyback and the original Blaise spelled his name with an s. (However it doesn't honestly matter just mentioning)Author's Response: Coolio! Thanks for pointing it out, I will re-read and attempt to fix. Thanks for the review. Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year. XD Report Review
Your stories are good I liked this one quite a lot however there really isn't enough detail to them, and things do get very confusing in what's going on, and sometimes you seem to start on a topic and never finish it. Overall though the stories are very good, but there are quite a few mistakes in writing, mostly just writing he when you mean she, sometimes using the wrong person's name - at least I think it's the wrong name because it doesn't make sense at the time.Author's Response: ah yeah, I see what you mean about the stories, especially the violet one, which I hate but cant be bothered to remove as it has 22000 reads. My grammar is crap, and a lot of my story lines are sketchy, but i was just turned 13 when i wrote it and it is the size of a full legnth novel so give me some credit please. Anyway, you should read my Minerva one, it is new and nowhere near so bad
The story is good however it sounded better than it actually is. You seem to lack creativity but I will give you points for making up your own dance. Your character lacks reality and in reality she has already seduced him. Your time line is off as well, they had lunch before one class one day and then they had the class before lunch the other day. The story is not very well developed, and it didn't seem like two weeks, you need to show the progession of time better. The rest of the characters already in the story are not acting true to their personalities. Report Review
I found the story very good, but how she brought him back was a little of a let down, but it fit. I myself couldn't really come up with a way anyways, but I liked it very much.Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. It was a bit of a stretch, even I have to admit that. I wasn't sure if I could make the ending pull through, but I did somehow... Report Review
Well the chapter was rather well written, and there were very few mistakes. Only a missed word here or there from what I saw, but I wasn't looking very hard.Author's Response: Thanks! My beta just returned the chapter to me so hopefully that'll get rid of the rest of any mistakes. Report Review
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