Oh my goodness. That was a heartbreaking ending!! Wow. Very well written and edited! Excellent work.
Remember me? I'm the author of The Truth is Found in the Eyes, and I remember you being a big fan. Well, I've been away and extremely busy with school, which has made devoting time to my writing very difficult. Now, thankfully, I'm TOTALLY back. Chapter eight is posted right now, and I'm already halfway done with nine. So you can expect regular updates from me, now!
Well, I'd really appreciate it if you checked it out and left some feedback. Thanks so much!
Claire Report Review
Wow. That was astounding, really. Such a different perspective on a character I rarely read about...great job.
I especially love this line: "There would be begging, and then, screaming. But eventually, there would be stillness." Very interesting!
Jeez, it's been such a long time, hasn't it? Do you remember me? I'm the author of The Truth is Found in the Eyes. Well, I've been away for a while and had a really rough start to the school year, but I'm back now. I've updated with chapter eight (finally!!!) and already have nine halfway done. I remember you were a big fan, and I'd love it if you would check out the latest chapter! I miss your wonderful reviews :)
Hopefully talk to you soon, and great work with this piece. Truly wonderful.
ClaireAuthor's Response: I am still a big fan and just returning to the HPFF world after the grieving process after the 7th book. Thanks so much for your review, and I will pick up The Truth where I left off. I can't wait! Report Review
Hey, it's Claire from the forums. Here's your review in return =]
"The air was filled with loud bangs which, for the first time in a long time, were a good thing." I love this line! It nicely sets the mood and quickly informs the reader of the setting. Great job.
"Ron had confessed his feelings to Hermione at the beginning of the last war after the late Albus Dumbledore's death, but the war was over now and life was starting to be the way it should, except for one thing." Woah. Sorry, but this sentence is really confusing. There are just a lot of things going on, and I think you should try to revise it.
"'Typical Harry Sulking when every one's happy.' A familiar voice commented." Just little grammatical things here. There should either be a period between Harry and Sulking, or there should be a comma following Harry and Sulking should not be capitalized. Also, everyone is one word. And finally, the quote should end in a comma, and the A should be lower case. None of these things are very important...just thought I'd point them out!
"...he noticed that she had taken off her high heels and was now walking around barefoot." Nice touch. It makes their whole relationship seem more relaxed...familiar. I really like the image, too.
"The old monster in his chest was on a familiar roller coaster ride." YES! I love it when authors allude to the books! Great work.
"She gently creased his face..." I think you mean caressed.
"'I wouldn't have it any other way.' Harry whispered brushing some stray curls away from her face and pulling her into a much deeper kiss then before, ignoring all the cat calls and wolf whistles." Oh, this is so romantic! Really, very cute.
There are just a few other grammatical and capitalization errors throughout this. I highly suggest reading it aloud when you revise. You sound like a crazy, but it really helps with catching small mistakes!
Overall, I thought that this was an adorable story. You did a very nice job with Ginny...but I sort of wish I'd seen more. At times, this does seem a little rushed, but the cuteness makes up for it!
Great work! 9/10
xxxAuthor's Response: Hey chd1026! Thanks for the honest review, I'll definitely work on this soon, for now I'm content at laughing at my own stupidity, but I'll work on this as soon as I get a free moment :)
~Magic Report Review
We've got to see the kiss!!!
I'm so excited I can't even write a decently long review...
So just update soon so we can find out what happened =]
xxxAuthor's Response: hahahah! lol thanks for writing a review then! :) Report Review
Another fantastic chapter!
This story is getting so interesting...
So Sirius is afraid, yet again? Aw, please don't let this be the end of their relationship!
I've found a typo here:
"When Charlotte did open up and tell Charlotte every last detail she could remember..." I'm pretty sure you mean Charlotte told LILY =]
And I loved this, "It looked like some sort of painting or photograph, too perfect and adorable to ever be real." You really put the reader in Hogsmeade. Nice descriptions...
You're updating so quickly now...and I'm loving it!
Great work, I look forward to more
xxxAuthor's Response: Ha ha, yes typos do slip by me from time to time. I'm sorry, I'll edit soon! Thanks for telling me and for reviewing! Report Review
Oh goodness, that was sad!
I'm so happy that Harry is up...but that whole scene was heartbreaking.
I really enjoy this story, because your ideas are creative and unique, your grammar is always perfect, and there are never any annoying typos. I guess I'm just a picky person, but all those things really make Daddy Returned the excellent story that it is.
It's always a shame when someone has an amazing idea, but they fail to convey it through good writing. However, this story has the full package, so I congratuate you!
Fantastic work, I can't wait for an update =]
xxxAuthor's Response: Yep.
Thanks so much! Ahaha. My grammer is horrible. Spell check! =P
And annoying typos annoy me.
Thanks so much! Makes it seem more professional?
Thanks so much! --hugs--
Updates when possible =]
xxxoooxxxoooprongsie_potter_rulezxxxoooxxxooo Report Review
Hey, it's Claire from the forums.
First off, it's Seamus Finnigan, not Finnegan =]
Besides that? What a lovely story you've got here!
I must admit that I was tentitive to read a Seamus story...merely because the few that I have looked at have been below average. However, once I got further into the story I could tell that I would not be disappointed.
You've done a great job characterizing Seamus, because as readers we barely know him.
This was beyond sweet, "'Yeah,' Seamus answered. You are."
I also like that you didn't make the two jump each other...the relationship goes slowly, which is much more believable.
Overall, great job.
I really enjoyed it!
xxxAuthor's Response: Stupid computer. I typed it that way, but the computer changed it to 'Finnegan.' You know how computers are.
I'm really glad you liked it!
Carrie Report Review
Aw that was very sweet.
There were quite a few typos...but this story was really too cute for them to really bug me. Although you could easily request a beta on the forums!
The only thing I could say was that I'd like to know what happened when Ron was captured by the Death Eaters. You build up all of this desperation to find out where he is and what he's doing, but then you never tell us. Perhaps a sequel?
I love the last line. Really, really good ending. I thought you were going to kill him for sure!
Thanks for suprising me... =]
Just another thing: It'd be nice if you could break up Hermione's letter into a few paragraphs. It's just very difficult to read something that is so condensed! I really like the feel of that letter...like she's so rushed to tell this story. Very realistic!
Overall, this story is very sweet and has awesome potential. I think that if you just clean it up a bit, it would be a really amazing story.
Great job...you should be proud!
XXXAuthor's Response: Thanks! thats a good idea about writing a sequel about what happened when he was captured...hm since i now find myself with time maybe when i get caught up on all my other writing i will... about breaking up the paragraph... i was told that and i totally agree. i've been meaning to go do that but everytime i try something comes up so now that schools over i will! Thank you for the review! Report Review
Claire from the forums here!
Just one thing before I start: It's Ginevra, not Ginerva =]
"A shimmering tear, a cackle from the fire, a scribble of a quill, a drop of ink, all silent and unseen by all." Wow. Such an accurate description of loneliness in a single sentence. Very well written.
That was SO upsetting...but I really, really liked it. I'm a huge angst fan when it is well written, and this story definitely makes the cut.
The mood was incredibly intense, and it lasted throughout the story.
This is awesome, "Her scarlet hair fell like a curtain, shielding one half of her face from the cold, dark world that had become her life." Nice metaphor!
I loved the symbolism you used with the book. Leaving it open...because there is still some much left to be written about her life, and the invisible ink...because somehow, no matter what, she will always be lonely.
The only thing that could have been clearer were the spots when the story changes from Ginny to Harry. The first time I read that section, I was a little confused about the sudden change in setting.
Besides that and the Generva thing, this story was flawless. Fantastic writing and description...you should be very proud!
Adding this to my favorites =]
xxxAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you! And... wow, I totally didn't know I misspelled her name. -blush- Thanks for pointing that out.
Flawless, really? Hehe, thanks so much!
And a favorite? Haha, this really is my day! Report Review
Well that was horribly sad...but a very sweet idea all the same.
I love the imagery you use...like the nightgown fluttering around her ankles.
I also think that you could highly benefit from a beta. There a a few typos and grammatical errors that interrupt the flow and mood of the story, such as "dark Lord" instead of Dark Lord and "none-existent" instead of non-existent, and a beta could clean it right up. It's such a nice piece, and when perfected if could be really amazing.
This is gorgeous, "Her body shuddered and she shivered in the cold midnight air. Finally, after so many hours, a single tear welled up in her eye, and then, poised; it fell from her lid, suspended in the air it dropped with a certain finality and grace, upon the end page of her diary, leaving a mark of sadness upon its page. Hermione cried a single tear for Harry." It’s just a perfect way to describe her pent-up emotion...so visual. Great work!
I'm not a Harry/Hermione fan at all, but this story sort of allowed me to forget that...
Overall, fantastic work...You should be proud of it!
xxxAuthor's Response: Thankyou so much for your advice and CC and I shall certainly take it to heart! - I have been saying for a long time that I want to get a beta reader, I think after I finish up these stories that I need to get out of the way I will do it, I have an imense workload and bit off a little more than I can chew in terms of the fact that before I was finished one story I jumped to the next and am now juggling three lol. Anyways I will certainly get around to it soon, and thankyou for complimenting that line; I was hopeing it would have that affect on people. Once again thankyou for reading- and (more of a fan question towards you) do you plan on putting up the next chapter of your story soon? *laughs* I really love it! anyways thanks for the review! =) Report Review
Claire from the forums here!
Ohh I really enjoyed this story! You rarely can find Peter stories that are worth reading on this site, but I think that this is one of the few that works. You accurately describe the incticately complicated mind of Peter Pettigrew, showing the reader his fear of death and the severe regret that has been plaguing him for years.
Just one thing, you say 'NEWTs' a few times, but it should be N.E.W.T.S. It's just something that irks me in fanfic =]
I'm so glad that you had Remus killed Peter, because is actually what I think will happen in the DH after Peter repays his debt to Harry. Though I would have liked a little more description or perhaps another memory after Remus steps into the room.
Overall, fantastic job!
XXXAuthor's Response: Hello, Claire! Thank you for stopping by, especially since I noticed your review request section was getting quite large.
Thank you! I was getting sick of how Peter was always being ignored or mistreated, and hoped, though my writing skills aren't the best, that I could manage to write him in a differant light. It was a challenge, but it was a fun one at that. I'm glad that you thought I was accurate with Peter's mind!
Ooh, I had a feeling that was what it was. Unfortunately I didn't have any of the books with me, so I couldn't check up on that. Thank you for catching that! I'll go change it right now.
I felt better about Remus killing Peter than Harry for two reasons: one was that Harry wasn't really a killer, he only killed Voldemort because he had to. I felt I was doing injustice to his character by having him kill that. Of course, you could say the same thing with Remus, but then there was another reason: Remus was hurt more than Harry was. He knew James, Lily, and Sirius better than Harry had, therefore he was more affected by their deaths.
A couple people have been asking for a Remus flashback, so I'm going to try to work on that. Hopefully this weekend.
Thank you for the wonderfull review, as well as the CC!
Sophie Report Review
That was completely adoreable.
I love that Sirius didn't have to say it...she could feel it, and that was enough.
I didn't think that it was confusing at all!
I'm excited to see who was feeling all those other emotions...update soon!
xxx Report Review
Oh very cool!!
I really have zero time...so I can't supply a long review.
I'm SO excited to see where you take this =]
xxxAuthor's Response: No problem :) glad you enjoyed it. Update soon hopefully! x Report Review
Claire from the forums here!
May I just say that that was extremely interesting?
You rarely come across stories like these on HPFF, simply because the site is fueled by the fans' desire to see their favorite characters interact ourside of the novels.
However, this story is refreshingly wonderful. You get a vague idea about Ginny's past, represented by this seemingly ordinary glass, and that is more than enough. The length is perfect, because I feel like if there really isn't anything more to say. Well done, no complaints.
I really, really enjoyed this =]
Fantastic work!Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the (very) kind review. Interesting wasn't a reaction I expected for this--but I'm really glad you thought it was. And the "vague idea" with the "seemingly ordinary glass"--exactly what I was going for.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for reviewing! Report Review
This is cute, and on most levels, I like it.
Your description of the house, though looong, is captivating and detailed. I felt like I was that curious child, exploring the depths of this new, mysterious place. Very nice!
I also like that Ellie is riding this ancient broom, instead of the fancy one that she could easily afford. Makes it cooler, I guess. Is there further meaning to that broom? Hm...
Well, the Potter's are next door, right? I'm guessing =]
Okay, just a question: Why are there all those A/N throughout the story? Although funny, they interrupt the flow of things and confuse the reader. I just feel like this chapter could use some editing, because things of this length become tiresome to read.
In the next few chapters, be careful the Ellie does not turn into a Mary-Sue. She has so much potential to spunky and unique, but if you continue to write her the way you are she could fall into that category.
Also, I'd suggest finding a beta. It's quick and easy, and they could help you tune up your chapters and catch small errors.
But keep writing and perfecting your technique, for this story could be funny and original if you work hard enough!
XXXAuthor's Response: I feel like I get the same answers/questions every time .i guess I know what I need to strengthen. I'm just about ot go over it again and beta it myself, because when two people think I need to, it's pretty obvious I've got work to do. Thanks for the review!
~ Caroline Report Review
Oh wow! That was incredibly intense.
Something before I begin the review: Using the abbriated, "PM" is informal, and therefore retracts from you story. I suggest using Minister or Prime Minister instead.
Okay! So I loved this line, "For good measure, fires had broken out in many parts of London..." Very funny! It accurately discribes the cynical, sarcastic mood the Minister is experiencing, and you easily depict the civil unrest that has occured over Britain. Also this, "External intervention. Next they’ll ask to call Jesus down from heaven. Divine intervention." Once again, really amusing...you've characterized the Prime Minister very well. Great work!
I do think that this is very interesting, but I'm still unsure as to what the main focus of the story will be. We don't know the main characters yet, either. But it IS more of a prologue, yes? Well it does set the scene very well, but if I didn't have chapter two waiting for me I might have been at a loss for the goal of the story. You see what I mean?
It's too bad that Myers had to die! He seemed very interesting, but I do like that he figured out the dementors without even really understanding them.
Overall, I really liked this!
After finals are through, I'll come back to this and read the rest =]
Author's Response: Hi CHD!
Yeah, a lot of people have told me about "PM". I was aware of it while writing the story, but I thought that using "Prime Minister" every time would feel too long-drawn out and formal and look like stilted language.
Yeah, I've tried to give him a cynical, sarcastic outlook on events.
Well, the main focus of the story is of course the horcrux hunt. This is just a prologue, as you said. The main characters are pretty much the same, as you'll find in canon. Not too many additions.
Myers, well, he had to die. It would be very unrealistic to expect him to get away from the likes of Bella. Some of the lesser Death Eaters, maybe, but Bella is in a totally different league.
Thanks for your review Chd! Please do come back when you get time :)
Chiron Report Review
"One small hand held a miniature porcelain doll with curly locks of golden-brown hair that cascaded around a face with such an astute aura about it that it looked almost life-like." This sentence is a little long and confusing...perhaps break it up into two?
"..the pony she had been bought..." Just awkward phrasing...maybe say given instead of bought? I don't know..just seemed odd to me.
"...were definitely on the girls’ most-loved list..." It should be girl's.
I love this, "No, the special number one spot was reserved solely for the one person in her life who made it worth living: her daddy." So cute that you said daddy instead of father. Just adds that childish charm. I love it!
This is so well written, "She scuttled down the stairs as fast as her little legs would carry her, her breath ragged as the voices grew louder. The constricting feeling in her throat and the burning feeling at the back of her eyes told her that she did not want to bare witness on the scene below her, but her legs didn’t listen, and kept moving." I didn't scroll down to this review box after that, just copied it and continued...I needed to read what was going happen! Well done!
You say the word 'haughty' quite a lot in the section when her father is leaving (heartbreaking, by the way.) Try using different adjectives there.
"On the floor, she saw the remains of her favourite doll, Lissie: shattered and broken into a thousand tiny pieces. Nothing was left anymore." VERY nice imagery here =]
Overall, I really enjoy this story. Amelie seems like a promising character, and I cannot wait to read on!
Nice work =]
Author's Response: Thanks so much for that amazing review! I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for the cc. I'll be sure to check up on that later!
I'm really glad that you used quotes.. it helps me understand better what people like. I'll try and do more of those things more often. Thanks so much! Report Review
So Ronnie's a decendent of Gryffindor? That's pretty tight!
"I said by to Jack" it should either be 'bye' or 'goodbye'
Once again, I think that your story would be eons better if you found a beta to catch all those little errors.
Just a question: Why are they talking about the sizes of their hoosawhatsees? They're eleven... I don't know, it just seems a bit early for them to be interested in that sort of stuff. Hehehe
I'm excited to see where this story goes...
Keep writing and perfecting your technique, because you have great potential.
XXXAuthor's Response: not exactly, it might seem like Ronnie is the the descendant, but its not exactly correct. Ryan is a little big for his britches, if you know what i mean, and even though they are eleven, he tries to act like he is older, you will see a difference between him and the other characters, like how he already has a "girlfriend". thanks for the review again! Report Review
Hmmm so you switch to the first person in this one...I think that may be better for this story. Good decision!
I really like the opening paragraph. You describe Diagon Alley really quickly, with lots of periods, and it works very well because that is exactly how Robbie would have been experiencing it...Nice!
"It also made me mad to think that this entire time mom had never told me about this whole new world." When you use the words 'Mom' or 'Dad' as a opposed to their name they must be capitalized. But when you say 'my mom' or 'my dad' then they remain lowercase. So in the case above, you should either say, "...this entire time Mom had never told me ..." or "...this entire time my mom had never told me..."
Once again, I think you could benifit greatly from a good beta. They'll catch all the little errors that interrupt the mood of the story.
Also, when you are writing a new place that Ronnie is experiencing, try to think about how you could SHOW us what it's like, not just say that he was there. Descriptions add so much to a story.
Draco Malfoy...and LUNA? Wait...why? How did those two get together?! I hope you explain this soon...I'm dying to know =]
Ohh who was Malfoy's friend? The boys in their boat?
Overall this chapter was a HUGE improvement, and I look forward to reading your next chapter.
XXXAuthor's Response: didnt notice the switch, i thought the first paragraph was 1st person too...anyway malfoy failed to mention his friend, as it says in that paragraph. you will hear a brief story on Malfoy sr. and luna later. Report Review
Hey there! Claire from the forums here =]
You asked me to be constructive, so here goes:
"He didn't know how to handle the situation presented to him. 'How did you handle it?' he asked Albus Dumbledore's picture hopelessly."
Perhaps use different phrase besides 'handle it', because the repetition is confusing.
I think that it would be clearer that the Harry/Dumbledore was seperate if you inserted a break.
Hmm in the first paragraph starts off saying "He had just," and then you start the sentance immediately following it the exact same way. I feel like getting a good beta would do you wonders, because it's really just the small details that would make a HUGE difference.
You do make the reader wonder how Harry is connected to this boy...and question the boy's history. Good job with that.
Here's my idea: Perhaps you could start out this chapter with Ronnie. Develop the character a little more, and DESCRIBE him coming home from school, DESCRIBE his house, his parents and his room.
After he gets the letter, then put the scene with Dumbledore. It will add even more suspense to the chapter, becuase that scene will be fresh in their minds and they will be more curious to find out what happened.
I'm sorry this is so harsh, but you asked for me to say what I thought.
But as you said, your editing this, so I look forward to reading chapter two!
xxxAuthor's Response: not harsh, what i wanted, thanks Report Review
Not the disability, the adjective of stupidity."
I start this out the same way you did...and may I just say that I laughed out loud? Instantly hooked =]
I love her little sarcastic, cynical comments!
"So I’m still at a loss as to why am I here. In London. Kings Cross. On Pig Warts Express." Again, so funny. Also very in tune with the teenaged mind. We DO complain about everything. We DO think that everything we don't like or know is stupid.
I really feel like I'm getting into Cecilia's mind...please write more. I'd love to get to know her better =]
Well done!Author's Response: Thank you! This is a very encouraging review! I've been a little..un-inspired lately, but I'm glad you get the teenaged sarcastic vibe I was going for.
Thanks for your review! Report Review
That was so intense...and I loved it!!
Extremely well written, and the gore was well placed...you didn't go overboard.
Super sad about Neville. The imagery was so upsetting and raw. Well done!
I'm really excited to see where you take this, because I think it has fantastic potential. There are very few well written Horror/Dark stories out there, and I am confident that this will be one of the good ones.
The story I'm currently working on is Horror/Dark...I'd love it if you could check it out! It's got some bloody scenes, too =]
Hehehe just a thought!
Fantastic work, though! I'm looking forward to seeing how Ron, Hermione and their baby died. Was it similar to the events of October 31st? Oh I'm sooo excited!
Update soon =]Author's Response: Hehe, I checked out your story, and I cannot thankyou enough for my awesome banner :). Hope you liked the update! Report Review
So I NEVER cry. I meant it, like ever.
But with this story, I was actually tearing up...which is really saying something.
But not only was it sad, it was beautifully written and definitely a new take on the relationship. Also, I'm sort of glad that the ending wasn't happy, in a really weird way! It was just...really quite perfect.
Fantastic work, I'm adding this to my favorites =]
xxx Report Review
Aw that was adorable!
So are they...together? I'm a teensy bit confused about the scene that took place in the present.
Otherwise, extremely well written and interesting!
Update soon =]Author's Response: yeah, you'll find out about that soon :) thanks so much for reviewing! your kind words are very much appreciated :D Report Review
Aw that was totally adorable!
I'm usually pretty apathetic about Remus/Tonks...but I really enjoyed this!
Great job! Keep writing!!
I really love this story =]
Oh, and by the way? Chapter 7 of Truth FINALLY got validated! I'd love it if you could check it out =]
What's your forums username? Because then I could contact you in the future about updates...and likewise?Author's Response: Thanks! I am so glad you thought it was adorable! Also, I will check out your new chappie... I've been waiting for it you know! Report Review
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