This was really good. I liked it but I found that at parts Teddy seemed one-dimentional. But I guess that is okay since this was a study on Victoire not Teddy. I did really like it though and it held my interest which is hard to do unless it's really good. :) Keep it up! I'd like to see more of them.
8/10Author's Response: Thank you very much...I'm glad you liked it and that it held your interest. I'll keep that in mind (what you said about Teddy) when I go back and tweak this later on. Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Oooh. That was gorgeous. I loved it. Definately a 10/10Author's Response: Thanks for the great comment, I really appreciate it! Report Review
It was a good peice with lots of emotion. I got goosebumps during the first part when he was crying over Amie. However I found the pet names like 'my sweet' 'dear' ect. to be a little annoying. I actually tried to ignore them. So that is about what I suggest.
9/10Author's Response: thanks for letting me know, I'll try to hold back on that later. I'm glad you liked it, thanks for the rating! ^^ Report Review
This was a good enough story but I felt that alot of the entire chapter was just spent on them arguing. You could have described alot of the room or Victore or Teddy but you didn't *sigh* (I like to see how different people see different characters). Still keep it up.Author's Response: Okay! thanks for telling me! I'll make sure to describe things more!
I love love love this idea. There are just a few things I think I should state:
I think that Seamus asking her out like that is a little unbelievable. I can understand that you would want to get the story going and that you needed a way to hook the reader right off the bat but I think that it was strange he just said hello ordered two cups of coffee and then asked her out. That could be part of the story though. Either way I'll be checking back on this!Author's Response: Well, I agree partly but you have to remember how Seamus was portrayed throughout the series as outgoing and pretty confident. I'm not sure it would out of character for him to ask Blair out immediately. I don't know...but thanks for the hint. Report Review
So dramatic! I loved the way you ended the chapter. It was meaningful and not just some silly little thing some authors stick in at the end of their chapters. I also like how you still follow Tom's story but it is always from the third person point of view, and nearly in a limited sense. IT's very well done, and I must apologize for the shortness of this review, and the ones I've put in before it. I'll be reading the next chapter!
KatieAuthor's Response: This is my favorite chapter, and I'm glad you liked it. I've always been intrigued by the beginning of GoF where we find out that these three people were killed, but we don't know anything about them.
Don't worry about the length of your reviews, Katie. Long or short, I love 'em! Report Review
This chapter seemed to be much shorter. Was it? I didn't really remark on the word count when I clicked on the chapter itself.
Again, another good chapter and I will say that I did like it better than the last. The last little bit actually pulled on my heartstrings. Maggie is so desperate for someone to love her, even if she thinks that she doesn't want it. SHe's just afraid of being hurt by Jack again. Tom is so cold, but still the charming man he was said to be. Too many authors that write about him are not able to capture those two aspects in one character, and I will say that you do that flawlessly. Once again, great, and I will be moving on to the next chapter.Author's Response: Yes, Maggie has spirit. Even though her first taste of love discouraged her terribly, she's willing to try, try again. Report Review
This was another good chapter, but I must say that it wasn't quite the same as the last. This one was much lighter, even if still as bittersweet for our dear Maggie. I've come to like her overly enthusiastic character, as she seems to remind me of myself. Ha!
I found the first bit a little confusing, and while it did come to understand it after finishing the chapter, I needed to go back and re-read the first few paragraphs before I grasped that the woman who had given Maggie the letter wasn't the woman who had asked Tom if he had anyone sitting across from him.
Over all very well written, and the next chapter I will be reading ASAP.
Katie (9.8/10)Author's Response: I see what you mean about being confused about who was who. I think I should have described Maggie and Mrs Gillespie a little more fully. I'm going to change the plot slightly before I post to another site ("Archive Narratrix"--dedicated to female main characters) and will work on this. Thanks! Report Review
TI's so dark, so sad, and still so beautiful. This is a real work here, and it's definatly one of the best stories by far that I've ever read on HPFF. The description is amazing and so flowing and beautiful. The way it works I didn't even realize I had been reading a 1500 wrod chapter. It was all so masterfully done. I will be going on to read the next chapter...Author's Response: Whoa, girl, my head is spinning! *blushes* Thanks so much. This is the kind of response that lets me know I'm on the right track with my writing. Report Review
Wow. That was an amazing peice in itself and I would love it if you would possibly continue. Maybe have Voldemort come back in another oneshot and end up killing her because she didn't tell him about Horcruxes? Just a thought.
Your grammer, I noticed was impecable, and I did notice that once or twice there was a comma where there should be a period but other than that there was nothing that I could see that needed to be fixed. Your style is very fresh and there was just the right about of description. Some authors overflow their stories with description and other put too little but you have a grasp on just enough to put in and when it isn't nesseccary.
I will definatly be heading over to your author's page to find any other stories of yours because it highly enjoyed this.
KatieAuthor's Response: Thanks, Katie (I like your pen name). I do have trouble with knowing where to put commas. You'd think I wouldn't because I beta quite a bit myself. I'm glad you liked the piece. I do enjoy writing about Tom/Voldemort. He shows up in several of my other pieces and is a major player in my story about Minerva McGonagall's school years (Three Orphans). Aww...kill the poor old professor? I just couldn't, but you're welcome to write a sequel if you like. Report Review
This was a great idea. I love it. However I thought that you could have possibly delved into Neville's emotions a little more and that goes for the rest of the characters also. Other than that I thought it was well written.Author's Response: Thank you! And I understand what you're saying about the character's emotions: I definitley plan to go really deep into all of that in the upcoming chapters. I just really wanted to set everything up here.
Thanks for your review! Report Review
Again--amazing chapter. As always. *hug* I haven't reviewed the last couple but I will say I loved them as well.
A sequel would be wonderful and I'd be the first to read.Author's Response: Hahah thanks! I'm sorry Chapter Thirteen is a bit late but I'm up to my neck in things to do lately. Report Review
I think this new side of Draco and Pansy are great! They're such complex characters that it's great to see another side of them. Personally this is one of my favorite chapters. The intensity of it is wonderful.
Also the thought of Pansy and Blaise is definatly different (even if she's still in love with Draco) because people generally only ever portray Draco and Pansy together.
Two tumbs up on this chapter!Author's Response: Yay! This is my favorite too :] I'm glad the new sort of... personality thing isn't bad, because I didn't want them to just be moody and brooding forever.
My thoughts on Pansy and Blaise are that after Draco left in HBP time, she started to grow in a different way than he did. He was becoming darker, more hardened, and she was becoming herself- she was waking up to the fact that she could live without him. So when Blaise came along to express his attraction to New!Pansy, she chose him simply because he wasn't Draco. She realizes she can live without Draco, but later, she will also realize she doesn't want to.
Thank you!! Report Review
Hmmm *thinks sarcastically*...I've got no idea.
Lol. I really loved this chapter and I can't wait for the next. And I feel excrusiatingly stupid for asking this but what is the specific importance of bounty hunters rather than Auror's other than the fact that the Aurors treat their prisoners better? Sorry for asking but I feel a little out of the loop since I don't understand.Author's Response: Don't feel stupid, I knew it would be a little confusing for people and I had to resist explaining it but I felt it would be better to give a good explanation in the next chapter. Bounty hunters, in this war-ridden sort of situation, are generally comprised in my story of people who didn't become Death Eaters simply because they never had the opportunity. They're cruel and vicious, and they capture people and actually sell them to the Ministry. But once somone is captured, the easiest way to capture another person is to obtain information from the first. So in the days before a price is reached, they literally own their prisoner, and have the right to subject them to any means of getting information out of them. It will become plainer in the next chapter, don't worry. Thanks for reading and the review :] Report Review
Here's the reveiw!
The only strange thing I could tell was the fact that the presumed Auror was extremely strange acting and apparently dirty according to Draco. That seems a little off...maybe I'm onto something here! Oh well. I just can not wait until you update with the next chapter.Author's Response: You're definitely on to it :] Great observational skills, you have my compliments. Thanks! Report Review
The title of this chapter made me laugh. This wasn't my favorite chatper but they definatly get continually better with each one. I can't wait for chapter 7 now!Author's Response: Thanks, and thanks for leaving a review! =] Report Review
This is an amazing chapter. And, because I have grown to love this story so much, I will make an extra long review!
1)Organization and Spacing: At parts, the spacing was a little off, but I really liked how you signified the flashbacks and put them in italics, so the latter cancels out the first. (2/2)
2)Paragraphs and Pacing: The paragraphs were extremely well played out and the length of them was perfect. The pacing in the story is also very wonderful. Not to fast and not to slow! (2/2)
3)Length: The chapters are all a good solid length, just enough to make sure that we know all we need to know without being rushed or too slow (2/2)
4)Grammer and Spelling: The only thing I found was the the second and third chapter there were a couple spots where an 'ed' should have been added, but nothing else. The grammer was very nice also, and because I am terrible at grammer I am really in awe of anyone who can have good grammer :P (1/2)
5) Writing Style and Characterization: Wow. Your writing style is impecable. I really really enjoy it with the vivid descriptions that leave just enough for us to form our own pictures but also give us enough that we aren't in the dark. I will honestly go and read one of your other stories now that I've read this because I loved the style. The characterization of Pansy and Draco were so well developed. I've never really thought of Pansy being a person who would be compelled to become a Death Eater, but if you consider her character, devotion or Draco (however much she tries to hide it) and loyalty to her family, then you would be able to see that she would actually be almost forced to become a Death Eater as you pointed out. Very well done (2/2)
This brings your total to a 9/10! I've never given this rating before as I am usually a very harsh judge of stories, so here is a cookie too *hands massive cookie for great story*
General Comments: There were really only a few things that I would like to say. I really enjoyed the way that Draco and Pansy are together. That is actually one of my favorite ships and their hushed affection and almost embarrestment of being able to almost love on Draco's part is so well played. Pansy's reluctance to show affection is also something I hadn't taken time to consider and even though she is my favorite minor character, it is so hard to find a story that stays true to what canon we know and then use that to devolpe a good character. Kudos! I can't wait to read another of your story and I will probobly leave a review here and there on one or two.
Dedikated.Author's Response: Wow. Amazing review. *takes cookie, give you cake*
I am so ridiculously flattered. I will go back over the stories for those grammer mistakes (I am my own beta and I fail at life :]), thanks for pointing those out! And the spacing is so weird on this story editor but its probably my fault, I'll look at that too. I am so glad you liked the writing style because frankly I don't know what I would have done to change it lol! I am so glad you like the characterization because its probably the most important point of the whole story. It really affects their actions. I am glad you pointed out what you like about it because I will try to keep that going- oftentimes I just write in characters using intuition but I don't want to get off track. Thank you so much for the AMAZING review, you have been so helpful! Report Review
1)Organization and Spacing: Over all, it didn't have any gaps or large spacing problems. (2/2)
2)Paragraphs and Pacing: This story was very well paced, and worked well. At times, the paragraphs seemed to flow well and the sentences seemed to work together, except in a couple places they seemed a little short.(1/2)
3)Length: The perfect length. It was short enough to not be drawn out but not to short to be just a bunch of words.
4)Grammer and Spelling: I personally couldn't find any spelling mistakes or grammer mistakes for that matter. Kudos! (2/2)
5)Characterization and Writing Style: I really like your writing style. I reveiwed for your other one-shot about Ginny and Harry and this one seems to have a little bit of a different style to it but it was still your own. This story seems to pop more to me than the others and I really liked it. The characters, especially Johnathan were very believable, but Cassie seemed a little flat but not totally. Maybe just try and figure out here character more or put more of her personality into the story. (1/2)
That give you a grand total of 8/10! Very nice.
I'm really sorry, but I've run out of time and I don't have enough time to write the General Comments. I hope this review was helpful without them!
DedikatedAuthor's Response: Wow, that's quite the review!
1) I'm a nit-picker. That shows, I guess. Plus it's part of my job to make a text readable. So...
2) Thank you. As for the shorter sentences and paragraphs... I use all length, most of the time to break the rhythm, disrupt the flow. But I know it can be annoying at times, if I overdo it.
3 and 4) Thanks! I'm glad you liked the length of this one-shot and you didn't find any spelling or grammar mistake. I'm trying to be extra careful, all the more so that English is not my mother tongue. :)
5) I must admit my style is better suited to angst and action/adventure, to darker storylines, like this one. As for Cass being a little flat... it's her point of view, and all that matters to her is Johnathan. Cass is mainly characterized through her emotions.
Thanks for the 8/10 and for the CC. CC is always helpful. It gives an author the opportunity to explain her/his choices and to see her/his fic in a different light.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
1) Organization and Spacing: The one-shot was spaced very well, with no gaps or anything at all.(2/2)
2) Paragraphs and pacing: The pacing of the story was just the right amount, and I especially liked the fact that you portrayed Ginny's emotions when Harry wasn't there. The paragraphs most of the time were just the right length, although a couple times they seemed a little short.(2/2)
3) Length: A nice length, not to short but not exactly too long, either (2/2)
4) Grammer and Spelling: The only thing that I really noticed what this:
'Potter who had, when merely a toddler himself, defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named when he was a toddler.' I don't think you ment to put the part about being a toddler in there twice. The grammer as whole was very good and I didn't find any spelling mistakes. (1/2)
5) Characterization and Writing Style: I must give you the greatest kudos because you actually portrayed Harry very well! So many stories with alot of Harry in them are very cliched and very poorly written and yours was neither. I do admit that alot of people do write Harry and Ginny getting back together but yours had a special something extra.
Your writing style seems to be the style that many take so it didn't really pop out to me or anything, but it isn't bad. I can't exactly comment on it because I didn't notice it to much.(2/2)
General Comments: I don't have to much to say here, other than while I did enjoy your story and it was very well written and descriptive, it didn't exactly stick out to me. The story itself seemed a little...well, not bland because it had plenty of emotion and feeling, but not different. That's it. I don't know if I'd be able to pick it out of a line up of stories. Also, I'm not much fond of the title, but I really don't have any say about that now do I?
I hope I gave you a good reveiw that will help you with your writing!
P.S. Your total is 9/10! Great job!Author's Response: 1) Like I said, I'm a nit-picker, so I found a way to avoid the spacing problems most authors seem to have around the site. ;)
2) This story is as much from Ginny's point of view as from Harry's. And I think I'm not that bad at writing emotions. And I do like writing Ginny.
4) You're the first to point that out to me. I'll have to correct that part, of course. Thanks!
5) I know lots of people find Harry hard to write, but I like it. For the same reason that I like writing Ginny - I just love those characters. I'm glad you liked reading "my" Harry. :D
I didn't write this story so it would stick out, to be honest - I know I should have, because it was my submission to the Writer's Duel, but I just wanted to write THIS story, if that makes any sense. I really tried to write it in a realistic way.
As for the title. I suck at titles, really. But I like this one, probably because it took me hours to find it. LOL.
Thanks a lot for reading and leaving a review. :D Report Review
Hello, love. This is Dedikated from the forums. Here is your reveiw!
1) Organization and Spacing: The spacing throughout the whole story was perfect, no gaps, extra spaces or anything! Also, the organization was very easy to understand with the italics meaning flashbacks. Very nice.(2/2)
2) Paragraphs and pacing: The paragraphs were generally a little shorter than most peoples, but I liked that because this kind of story doesn't need overly long etremely descriptive 'tell you every detail' paragraphs. The pacing of the story was fairly good, although at times it seemed to jump a little. Especially the first chapter when it mentions her being engaged already and then you play out the engagement in the following chapter. That confused me and bit, but it really didn't go to slow or to fast. (1/2)
3) Length: A very nice length, all together very nice because you gave enough description but not an over amount.(2/2)
4) Grammer and Spelling: Your grammer was very good and your spelling was perfect. The only thing I noticed was that in a couple spots there were commas where they weren't needed but I think everyone is guilty of the dreaded comma over use or under use. I won't take off because I am also guilty of that. (2/2)
5) Characterization and Writing Style: I highly enjoyed your writing style, and I will actually be going to read one of your other fictions shortly because of that. It was simple, but still showed emotion and the way the character (in this case Andromeda) thinks. The fact that she has to struggle with the fact that she and her sisters are gradually growing apart and her engagement to Ted and friendships with other houses is causing it is very good. The only thing that I might comment on in this is the when she and Narcissa were having their little row at the dinner table, Andromeda's half of the conversation seemed a little planned out, as though she'd been planning to say that. I couldn't tell if there was any hesitation at all, and I think that she might have hesitated if just a little. (2/2)
So, I believe that your total has come to.9/10! Alright!
General Comments: As a whole, I am entirely in love with this story. It is really fresh, original, and so un-cliched that it is almost like a wakeup call from all the other stories that I've been reading. I can't wait for the next chapter to be out.
The only thing that I might improve on would maybe include little descriptions of the sounds going on at the moment. Use a simalie or something like that. I also have trouble remembering to do that but I think it might help make your readers get a better feel for your story.
There you go,
DedikatedAuthor's Response: Hello there Dedikated!
First of all, I want to thank you very much for this awesome and lenghty review; it's just what I need!
You mention that the pacing confused you a bit - the thing is, the second chapter is a flashback, which tells the readers how they got engaged. The first one is the present, when she ponders, well, about everything, so it comes up. I just thought that their engagement is an important moment in her life, and I want to show the readers what Ted means to her and what she has to deal with when it comes to her family.
As for punctations; I'll have to check that, because I've heard it before! I sometimes just don't see where they're suppose to be, those little thingy's.
As for the conversation or arguement; they've already discussed that earlier. Narcissa just doesn't understand why (or does not want to understand), so she still keeps arguing with Andromeda about the same thing. I hope that clears it up a bit (I have a tedency to be quite confusing :p)
I can't help but blush. Thank you so very much, and I hope that the coming chapters won't disappoint you! As for the sound - descriptions; I'll certainly keep that in mind.
R. Stephanie Report Review
I love this story more and more with every chapter. I havn't actually read the story that come before this, mainly because I don't know which one it is. Could you please tell me which of your stories is the prequal to this story?
And I must comliment you on your fine grammer and descriptions. They are perfect. You left just enough for the reader to see what is going on but enough left for the imagination. Kudos! 10/10Author's Response: There is no prequel to this, love, just this story and this story alone. I'm glad you enjoy it so much, though. =] And thanks for the grammar compliment; grammar is often the death of me. ^_~ Report Review
Great job. Maybe a little more detail, but I am totally sad now because even though Draco may be a little twisted, he isn't evil like his father and I felt so bad for him...Author's Response: Glad you liked it. There is a lack of detal in this chapter for a reason. Though I thought it would draw people in, because I hoped they'd see the holes in the plot and read on to find out something more about it, I'm beginning to regret putting it first as everyone seems to feel so sorry for Draco! haha. Thanks for r/r! Report Review
Wow. This is very wonderful and for that, and because I loved the way you did your sample reveiw, I shall format is like so(I hope you don't mind).
1) Organization and Spacing: For the actual story section, the spacing was fine, but inbetween the title and the fiction there was a huge gap, along with before that the spacing was a little off but very easy to read. (2/2)
2) Paragraphs and pacing: Very good for the most part. Some of the paragraphs seemed a little cut off or short, though. The pacing of the story was well played out and didn't move to fast, but it parts it seemed a little slow and repetative near the end. It seemed to repeat things said earlier. Sometimes it is good to say things that are dramatically important over, but some of them were details restated. (1/2)
3) Length: A nice length, not to short, but as said above, it seemed a little drawn out but not exactly too long, either (2/2)
4) Grammer and Spelling: There were a couple things like 'seeing in her mind's eye' that should probobly be 'seeing in my mind's eye' unless I am interpretting that wrong. Also, I believe that the Three Broomsticks should be capitalized. But that grammer was excelent and considering I am entirely suckish at that, I was definatly impressed. (1/2)
5) Characterization and Writing Style: I highly enjoyed your writing style, and I will actually be going to read one of your other fictions shortly because of that. It was simple, but still showed emotion and the way the character (in this case Luna) thinks. I did however notice that although we saw alot of her internal thinking, it seemed a little bland. Almost as though it could almost fit to a couple female characters who has lost someone. But then again, that could just be the characterization of the actual characters themselves, so who am I to judge. (1/2)
So, I believe if I am using your system correctly, your total should come to a...7/10!
And now because I have run out of time, I must skip the General Comments section, but I would like to thank you for enlitening me to this awesome style to reveiw on fictions I really loved.
DedikatedAuthor's Response: so that's how it feels to get one of these :D I'm glad you used it, I got a fair bit of insight :) I'll work on this as soon as I finish the next chapter of my Novel, thanks again it was an awesome review :) Report Review
This whole concept was really GREAT! Although, the writing was a little blunt. Instead of putting,
'He reached down and pulled a picuter out of the ash'. You could put something in a little more detail like,
'The white buried inside the ash took shape of something Severus recognized easily. Even with trees around the edges burnt and the capel in the far left corner charred, the pure joy of Marissa and himself shone through it all to reveal their wedding picture.' Report Review
That was really cute.Author's Response: thanks! Report Review
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