Hi again! At last, I'm here for chapter 4! I'm sorry this review will be a bit shorter. I'm still enjoying the story, but I find myself forgetting to take notes as I read. (o: And while the dream was interesting and teasing, I'm also anxious to see what happens next time they meet in real life. (o;
Draco's thoughts at the beginning of the chapter are funny. You have an interesting way of humorously writing these characters, and what's going on with them. And I really like it!
Harry musing on himself sitting cross-legged is just funny. One of those random peculiar things that stick out, like a signature to the way a particular writer writes. I liked it. (o:
And a very interesting fantasy Draco has here, about Harry being a girl, or dressing like a girl for him. Since we the audience know that this is Draco's doing, it is very telling about himself to put this into Harry's dream. Still, I love how they are winding each other up, and I'm ready to read more as soon as it's posted!
Thanks again for taking the challenge, and I'm so glad it gave me an opportunity to read this story! Report Review
Okay, chapter 3!
Really funny opening lines, and I like Harry's train of thought, though I think it would have been awesome to see him simply walk up and snog Draco. Still, this plan sounds like it's going places. Hehe. (And just so you know, I take notes as I read, which is why some of my comments may not make sense by the end of the chapter... Just keep in mind!)
Seduce Thy Enemy - hahaha! (o:
Oh yes. Draco Malfoy was going to have the pants quite literally seduced right off of him.
Hahahaha! LOVE IT! You have some really awesome lines in this story!
Though it's not all that surprising for Draco to sleep with someone else regardless of his plans for Harry, still, it bothers me a bit, like it bothers him. But in that case, I'm glad it does bother him, at least.
Hahaha I love Harry seducing Draco in the library. It's about time Draco gets a taste of his own medicine!
Harry stripped his shirt off in the library? Eeeek! I love what this is doing to Draco!
It's really hilarious that they are both trying to seduce each other, and plan to go skinny dipping in the lake. It's just too much! Hahaha!
Hmm Snape. I'm confused about the time line of this story, but I'll let it be. :oP
Hot snogging scene. I'm just saying. (o;
Ahhh so close, and then, snatched away! But a fight is always a good way to leave the boys still anxious for more, and yet thoroughly confused. I'm a fan of prolonged tension, anyway. (o: Looking forward to reading what comes next! I'm glad to be reading this story. (o: Report Review
OK, chapter 2 !
Hahahahaha! I ADORE your opening paragraph! Your description of Malfoy is really awesome! You've given him your own twists, but he seems so much himself. It's brilliant, and especially the part where he decided that he wanted Harry. He!
And by the way, in response to one of your lines near the beginning, I find it hard to believe that Draco is merely interested in *snogging* Harry, haha!
After the first break, I got a bit confused about whose point of view we were in. Draco's, or Harry's Or were we switching? That part might could use a bit of tweaking.
Haha I like the part about Harry telling McGonagall he was thinking of ways to kill himself. hahaha!
foray into the world of whips and chains re one Draco Malfoy I'm taking the 're' to be 'about', but I think it would be much better to write it out.
Also, a small typo about McGonagall, who said something no unkindly. It should be 'not."
Hahahaha McGonagall was gonna give him a "your-body-is-changing" talk! teehee! That would have been amazing to hear!!
Oh, and I see here that Harry is 17; got it now. (o: (Though, is this a story after the year chasing and killing Voldie, or does it disregard that stuff?)
Oh Harry, he's got himself in a bind about Malfoy! But I like the paragraph where Harry in contemplating sitting behind one's recent object of lust. Clever use of words in that paragraph! Great tone, too. I can sense Harry's feelings about it, without needing a big explanation or description. Your word choices and phrases are enough.
Draco is such a tease in Flitwick's class!!!
And a nice awkward conversation between Harry and Ron! But Ron did well. Though I had to laugh when Seamus walked in. Clever and very humorous!
And lastly, it's very interesting that Harry decides, in the end, to make Draco his. With all his deliberation, I was uncertain that he would decide it so soon, but I suppose with Ron's help, he threw off his doubts. Harry chasing Draco? Now this will be good! I'm dead curious to read the next part..! Report Review
Hey there! I'm finally starting your Prize Winning reviews!
First off - awesome prologue! It's a prefect teaser, and definitely makes me want to read more!
The beginning lines are thoroughly interesting, and really attention catching which is exactly what you want for your introduction. The first lines of a story can really be the make-or-break factor for whether a person keeps reading. (Unless it's just me, and I'm an oddball!)
The phrase "get to grips with" - I thought it was usually "come to grips with", unless that's one of those American/British things.
At the mention of "boy" I had to wonder how old they were. I clicked back to the summary but didn't see any specific indication. Reading on, I gathered that this is happening in their Hogwarts years. Myself, I can always picture things mentally, better, if I have a good idea of the period and surroundings. So I found myself wondering if this was Harry's 7th year after killing Voldemort, or some time earlier. Or of course, at first, I even considered he might be an adult... Just a small detail that might help some readers. (o:
Hahaha, I liked the line about the shifting that didn't help anything. Hehehe, oh, Harry, dear boy. I like the humor that you're writing with.
And I like the trickery and subtlety you employ in describing the physical actions and responses. (o; It's enough detail to know what's happening, but still tastefully and humorously done.
messy head - hm, what about messy hair? I know what you mean with this phrase, but it's not pretty to visualize someone's messy head. For me, I mentally flashed to a NCIS or CSI crime scene. Hehe. (o;
The 'love you' was so unexpected!! But then it was a dream, so that makes more sense, hehe! I was worried for a minute that I'd missed something in Malfoy and Harry's interactions. But I'm happy it was just a dream, and that this journey will take us through any potential changes between them. Hee. (o: I'm waiting expectantly!
Excellent writing, really intriguing, and I would keep reading even if I hadn't already promised the reviews! (o; Well done, friend! Report Review
Hi there! taylorj828 here to review and thank you for participating in the challenge! I should be posting winners tonight. I'm glad you submitted this and I really enjoyed reading it! Following will be my comments from while I was reading:
Nice concise set-up in the first paragraph and a good hook too. Congrats! (o: Oh, and Charlie and Malfoy in a tent...?! You Totally rock!!
I like how Charlie turned the don't-share-my-bed line around on Malfoy! Clever blokes! I do like some good banter. (o:
I like reading about their introduction to each other because I do think they would recognize each other first and foremost by their family traits, and with great ease at that, but the age gap and never knowing each other in school intrigues me as how that would change their dynamic, versus Malfoy's relationship to Harry, Ron, or others he went to school with. Malfoy, if he wants, could re-invent himself in this life with Charlie in Romania... *shrug* Makes me so curious!
I love how Charlie's draws the connection about being interested in Draco back to his love for dragons. It makes sense and characterizes him well, loving all things dragons... (o:
It was only as he got to the ridge that he realised he hadn’t once thought of whether or not the dragons were alright.
Love this line!! It says so much!
At least not if He-Who-Really-Needed-A-Relaxing-Spa-Day didn’t die.
HAHA! I love your humor in this story!!
Okay, I also love the dragon details (colors, scales, etc), and I love the way his mind goes towards Potter. I find it interesting in whatever story I read, whatever pairings it has, to see what things make Draco think of Harry, or Harry think of Draco, hehehe.
Dark Grey Magic, hahaha! Your humor is so well done!
I love how an angry Charlie turns Draco on, haha, very nice character-detail. The tension between the guys in this story is well written.
Hehe, yay for the sudden kiss! Yay, Charlie! I love it when they make the choice and then just leap in, and kiss 'em. Brilliant.
And I really love the ending line! It draws everything back together - to dragons, the running theme. We opened with that, we visited both guys and their relationship to dragons, and we end with how it brings them together. Such an excellent story! I'm so glad you wrote then and I got to read it. (o: Thanks for participating in the challenge!Author's Response: Oh, there is just so much about this review that made me squee! :)
I loved this challenge so super much, and knowing that I won (WHOT?? SQUEE-AGE!) is frankly bloody amazing and also WICKED. *huggleglomps you*
So, here's my comments back. ;)
Thank you! I actually was quite proud of that opening paragraph. It only took me two tries to get it right, too!
And Charlie and Draco in a tent...I know. It's brill. Boys in tents...ah, I loves it. I have to admit the idea sort of came from having a chat about Brokeback Mountain with one of my friends a few days before coming across your challenge. We had gone to see it when it first came out at the movies (gosh, that was a long time ago, eh??) not really knowing what it was about and then being all OHMIGAWDBUTTSECKS! It also began the terrible terrible pun, inTENTS, which sort of became our catchcry. I.e:
"Whoa, that guy's abs are intense."
"I definitely wouldn't mind getting him intents."
So you see. I am lame and also a bit mad. Anyway, I decided after that chat that I needed to do some more slash, and then when I joined your challenge and got Draco/Charlie I was like...hm...camping possibilities. Me likey. ;P
Ah, I love banter. It's so much fun to write. And I really just thought that was the sort of thing someone would say to Draco. Not necessarily cos it's true (psh, as if. I would have him (and Harry and Charlie and the twins) in my bed ANY DAY. Oh my.) but because he really just requires being taken down a peg or two occasionally, eh? :D
Yeah, I wasn't totally sure how their whole relationship stuff would work. I did think that they would recognise each other for family stuff first, like you said, but then I wasn't sure what to do after that...hopefully you like what I did! :D
Haha, to be honest I've always loved that Draco means dragon, and so I just decided that I really needed to make a connection here where there's a character who's INTO dragons. :) So...yeah. :D
Yay! Quotations! I love it!
Ah, dear. Harry/Draco is my antidrug. Well, ok, let's be honest, it's more my drug. I love it so so much. And I completely agree with that - I do the same. That's SORTA why I put that little detail in. (no! Never! I am not obsessive!)
Oh, all of your last paragraphs just keep me squeeing so much I can't even think what to say in response to them. I love you!!! (true!)
Heehee. Thankyou for your awesome challenge and your awesome reviewage; you are the most lovely thing. :D
Mxx Report Review
Hi there! It's taylorj828 here with a review! I'm so glad you participated in this challenge. It was a lot of fun to read your story. (o:
I like in the beginning, where Teddy is talking about Victoire. It's interesting to see her and women in general through Teddy's eyes. I can understand his teenage boy's POV, and I could see where many a boy might think such things as one time.
And I also like seeing Dominique from Teddy's POV, and all the details he notices, the little things that he likes. Definitely a sign of a crush...! (o:
You have some very interesting exchanges between the siblings, too. I like the details - the small glances, the lack of clothing and the disregard for it. For some reason, it does sound a bit...French or European-ish, a little bit different culture. Or at the very least, a characterization of the family, as one that's not too concerned with modesty or pretenses.
I like that Teddy is attracted to a variety of things, that he doesn't just one day decide he isn't attracted to his girlfriend, or to girls at all. It's interesting, and true to some real life situations.
And I like the easy conversation between Dominique and Teddy once Victoire and Louis leave. Good work there! Nice chemistry!
Very graphic image of Teddy's heart...! Poor guy! And yet, when we see it from Dominique's POV, then I don't feel so bad for Teddy. Or at least, I feel bad for Dominique instead.
And wow, I love the way Dominique just at once says he has feelings for Teddy. It's awesome how it's just out there all of a sudden!
Also interesting that it's the only guy each of them has ever felt that way about. It does happen that way sometimes. For some people, it's more about the person, and not so much about the gender. Nice kiss at the end, and a good discussion about how to handle their budding relationship. (o:
Thanks for participating! I will be posting the winners this week. But I think everyone who completed their piece IS a winner! (o:Author's Response: Wow! Thanks for such a great review! You picked my story apart in the best way possible :D Of course, I have you to thank for coming up with such a great challenge.
~TFM Report Review
This was gorgeous! Hehe!
Hi there, I'm here with your review, and I want to say a big thanks for participating in the challenge! This was excellent and I really enjoyed reading it! I took notes as I read, and you'll find my comments below! (o:
In the beginning, I like that Scorpius seems suspicious of Hugo. Hee! (o:
Scorpius losing the chess match - Ron has taught Hugo well! I love the little details Hugo is noticing about Scorpius here.
Poor lad, his first and only crush is on his sister's boyfriend!
The line about Scorpius's feet clacking... I dunno, it made me wonder what on earth he was wearing on his feet, or if they were just bare feet, and then I guessed that it was some kind of dress shoe. Just a thought, but what about saying "his shoes clacked" or the heels/soles, maybe? Not necessary, but it would be more precise. The line just made me pause for a second there, that's all. Anyway, in that same area, you had a nice transition from past memory to present alleyway. (o:
Right. Then why are you here when I left specifically to avoid you?
Hahahaha! Love your Hugo!!
"I'm not gay," he blurts out suddenly into the quiet that had settled around us.
Ha! That was *definitely* blurted out! You really caught me off guard, I love it!
I'm grateful that Scorpius was raised in a house where he was trained to keep his nose out of others lives. Unlike my family.
Haha, oh, you poor Weasley! I can definitely see how each would true about these families. Nice details.
"Seriously, mate," I interject grabbing his wrist to keep him from drawing my sister's outline in the air," I get it."
Haha, you are really clever and entertaining with your dialog! It's one of the more entertaining conversations I've read recently! By the way, just in this spot, when Hugo's hand is still on Scorpius's wrist - it feels really intense. Great job with that!
I like that Scorpius repeats that he's not gay before he kisses Hugo. (o: Nice kiss too!
I love the ending, that Albus gets his kiss, but they keep the secret, and there's almost a question about Scorpius now, gay or not gay, except that if we trust Hugo - then it seems to him Scorpius really isn't gay. I like how it's unresolved, and we can imagine what might happen from here. Maybe it forever stays their secret, and Rose and Scorpius one day get married, and hopefully Hugo finds someone who makes him happy. Or maybe Scorpius realizes he likes boys too. Maybe Rose gets caught between them... There's so much to wonder at, but yet this piece feels complete. And I love that Hugo's ultimate concern is for his relationship with his family and sister. It says a lot about him. (o:
Excellent writing! I loved it. (o:Author's Response: Hello! Thanks so much for the review and the nice compliment! Your challenge was great, and it really did push me into a genre that I've never really delved into before. So, thank you for creating the challenge.
Hugo is in quite the sticky pickle, isn't he? But, I don't know if you ever watched somebody study, but they stay so still that it really gives you a chance to gaze, similar to how I would think someone in a chess game would be. And I assumed that after two years, Scorpius would begin to notice. ha, ha.
Oh, yeah...I totally get what you're saying about his feet clacking. makes me think of tap shoes actually, but I was thinking of dress shoes, like he just came after work or something. I'll probably go back and change that. But, I'm glad you liked my transition anyway.
And, Hugo...darling, Hugo. I'd never really thought of any of these characters: Rose, Scorpius, or Hugo, before. But, I enjoyed writing them and they are in my murder mystery--slightly different characterizations (not gay for instance) but I think one of Hugo's defining roles as a character is his love for his family.
I think Scorpius stays straight, at the very least I don't think he ends up with Hugo. Too many entangled emotions with Rose there. But, I like that you picked up on this air of open-endedness. Hence the title!
What really has me smiling is that you think that I did the romantic bits well and that you found their interactions intense. As the creator of this challenge, that means a lot to me! So, thanks!
I'm glad you like Scorpius's blurting. It was really fun to write. Thanks again for creating the challenge! And the lovely review! I would have never thought to write a piece like this if it weren't for this challenge, and I'm glad it turned out well! I can't tell you how grateful I am!
--FannyPrice Report Review
Hi there, taylorj828 here with your review! First I want to say thanks for submitting this for the challenge. I know the characters changed along the way, haha, but this was a really wonderful piece to read, and I'm glad I had the chance to!
I liked in the first section where you descibed the clothing as moth-eaten. This immediately made me think it was Teddy, because I recall similar descriptions about his father, Lupin. And although characters don't become clones of their parents, still there is something special about an accidental resemblance, however small. Whether intentional or not, I liked that little detail.
Sorrow courses through me, bursts of it shrieking through my veins. Have I done this to him? Is it I who has let him look this way?
With this kind of language, I can immediately feel a heavy weight of emotion here. Great job with word choice and setting the mood and tone. I like your writer's voice.
I also love the cadence with the italicized lines in between the narrative. Unique and interesting, cleverly used for your story-telling.
I also liked the detail of Dominique's full name, how he didn't like it and it was intended to cause pain. These little details are excellent for developing characters. Great work!
Oh, and I loved the detail of the shadow hiding Teddy's expression. It painted the picture well, and I could see it clearly in my mind, and feel Dominique's longing to see his expression.
And of course I had to wonder why Dominique swore not to touch Teddy, though it became clear at the end, and was hinted at earlier on, that it was a forbidden romance, something he didn't want. But at the moment, you really had me intrigued, wanting to find out more!
Oh, one thing... I was a bit confused at the section where Teddy fell. It says that Dominique is on top of him, Teddy beneath him, and then Teddy's shoulders are on Dom's lap? I just can't picture how this happened, but I tend to think in pictures, so I stumble over some things like this.
As I read, I couldn't help but wonder at all the heaviness, and the dirt, the angst, the despair... I am deeply curious about what brought them here, to this point. Though the ending gives us lots of wonderful flashes of the past - well done. But I could easily read a whole novel, I think. (o:
I am complete, finding myself in a bond that I keep crawling back to, even when I have rejected it time after time after time.
Gorgeous line. Really. And it says so much.
And the ending is perfect. "An end." Not only is it the end of the story, but also seeming the end of theirs - them together, and no more leaving. Very clever! This was an fantastic story, really truly loved it! And it was your first slash, right? Wow, I would hardly believe it. This was so good, and you're a great storyteller! I'll have to check out your author's page now! Thanks for submitting this to the challenge, and I should be declaring winners sometime in early February. (o:Author's Response: Oh, wow. Oooh, wow. What can I say after a review like that? A simple "thank you" can't even begin to cover the HUGE smile you've plastered on my face. Gah. Thank you so, so much. I don't even know what to say.
Hmm. I'll have to go check that line out! I'm definitely a visual reader as well, though I never noticed that line! I'll go through and sort that out. Thank you for bringing it to my attention!
Again, just... wow. I can't even begin to thank you. I really, really appreciate it. Report Review
Hey, thanks so much for participating in this challenge! Here's your promised review! (o:
I love how your opening paragraph sets the mood and tone. I like the detail about Harry seeing he looks good, but yet being unable bring himself care about that, or anything else. It's obvious even a year later he's in a lot of pain and is still trying to cope.
I like the description of Harry having monotone thoughts. Nicely done. (o:
I also find Harry's thoughts interesting as he considers their different hands, and also that Harry pulls his hand away from Ginny. Usually, when you can't love yourself, you can't be loved by someone else, either. I'm sure Ginny interprets a different meaning for his action from what Harry is actually feeling. The distance between them is quiet obvious. It's...definitely a real world I can imagine happening after all Harry went through.
I love that everyone now sees the Thestrals. It's a very powerful image. And of course it affects Harry emotionally - as I'm guessing he feels it is his fault, and he wishes no one saw the Thestrals. As if he could have protected everyone. )o: Poor boy.
It's interesting and seems very accurate that everyone would want to go to the ball because it's the first year after Voldemort was defeated. Fitting that it would be important for them to honor their smaller victories, something they may have never had a chance to achieve, without Voldemort's fall.
What was the point of feeling anything ever again if it would only be ripped abruptly from your fingers just when you thought you might be able to hold onto it forever?
Such a heavy question. I can really see Harry asking himself this and struggling with it.
I like that you build a good case for having the ball in the Room of Requirement. I wouldn't be inclined to feel it was realistic, except that you really make good reasoning for it. Great job with that! (o:
Luna and Malfoy! Ee! I'd love a Luna/Malfoy fic. hahaha! I love Luna! How fun, what a surprise! (o:
“They’ve been together this whole year Harry. Honestly, you are so immature. Get over your stupid boyish feud. I mean, I know it was like, a big deal when you were...what? Thirteen? But it’s about time to let it go.”
Harry was appalled at her. He hadn’t said anything at all, and she immediately began chewing him out!
Hahaha, ek, no kidding! Settle down, girl! She really hasn't the faintest clue what's in Harry's head, does she?
“Ginny says you never look at the stars anymore, Harry,” Luna said dreamily. “It’s a pity. They’re like the jewelry of the sky.” She stared off into space for a few moments. “You know, Harry,” she started again. “It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to still hurt for Fred, and Lupin, and Tonks and everybody. You have done so much, Harry; for me, and for everyone else. You killed the most evil wizard to have ever lived.”
I LOVE Luna! (o: I love how she just connects with Harry.
“Why don’t you believe me Harry? When have I ever lied to you?”
Harry looked up, startled. “You haven’t,” he told her truthfully.
She has a point, Harry! I do find it amusing that Harry worries about small talk, because really, Luna hardly does small talk. It's better to get to the point with her (which he does).
It's interesting that Malfoy is attempting to be so open with Harry. Its' evident Malfoy has changed quite a lot, though I suppose being with Luna would certainly do that. But there also some lingering old ways about him - the old sharpness to him. I like that. But his opening with Harry does seem very different for him. I wonder if you plan to show us, in some way, the details about how he grew and changed. It does make sense, what he says to Harry. But the certainly went in opposite directions after the war!
I too am amazed by their civility. So, there's more eh? I'm definitely intrigued! I am worried, too, as Harry is, about Luna being with Malfoy. I hope he's not going to hurt her, especially if he plans to pursue Harry. Maybe it's Luna's big scheme. I wouldn't put it past her. But she could get hurt, too, if it's not. Anyway, thanks so much for taking the challenge! I'll announce winners after the challenge has ended. And I'd like to read more of your story, so if you don't hear from me for awhile, you certainly have my permission to let me know you've updated. (o:Author's Response: Hey! Ooh, thanks for the long review! I am so glad you liked it! It was actually really fun to write Harry in his funk, because I can picture being like that if I was in his situation after the war.
I am glad you like Luna! This is the first time I have ever written her, even in the slightest, so Im glad she turned out well!
Yes, Malfoy is trying to change, mostly because of what Luna did for him after the war, but like you surmised, we'll (or rather you, I already know lol) learn more about his story in the next few chapters!
I dont want to give any reasoning away, but I can safely say that Luna WONT be hurt ^_^ I dont think I could do that, she's just so sweet!
Yes, the challenge is really fun so far! I am infinately glad I took it up!!! I will definately let you know when more is updated!!
~~Chelsea Report Review
Hey there! Thanks for taking part in the Challenge! Congrats on being the first to complete. I'm here with the promised review! (o:
Nice opening with an argument! I really like the passion in arguments or "fights." Good opener, though sad, too.
I like the lines where Harry notices it's not the walls but himself shaking. Excellent imagery, a good way to say it differently.
Aw Charlie falls short of Draco. )o: I can't help feeling sad for him, just because I really like Charlie. Even though we know little about him, he intrigues me. But if Harry liked Draco better, he never should have cheated on him. )o:
It's cute, though, that Charlie wants to dance with Harry, but also nice that Draco never forced him, since he knew Harry didn't like dancing. I'm torn. They could both be great guys. Perhaps it's just Harry, here, who isn't.
I like the idea of Draco's ambition and knowledge of wizarding government leading him to be Minister one day. It's different. Never read anyone who gave Draco that kind of credit. Interesting to consider, Malfoy as Minister. Oh, Harry. You goofed up big time.
Wow, Harry turning to Draco just after seeing the diamond from Charlie was a dead giveaway that Harry is with the wrong guy! Don't be daft, Potter!
Silence hit the room with a solid force.
Nice line. I like how you give silence - which should be like nothingness, emptiness - weight and volume and force. Excellent prose.
“No, you were heartless. You still are.”
Ouch, but I kinda have to agree with Charlie. Harry had a great thing with Malfoy, threw it away for a "great" thing with Charlie, only to tell him two years later on the day he proposes that Harry never should have left Draco. What's wrong with you, Harry?
Well, it was a great one-shot, packed full of emotion, also containing a plot and some intriguing notions within. Great work, and again, thanks for participating in the challenge! Prize winners will be announced on the thread in February. Report Review
So I went for Chapter 2! (o: I have to say that I still love your plot and this unique idea of James and Petunia. It would certainly go a long way to explain the hatred/estrangement in Petunia's later life if James Potter came between the sisters!
I love the discussion over football! Brilliant! It's funny, but for as much as I think I know/remember about HP and the HP world, and as much as I've written some of these characters, I will still find myself surprised by something I hadn't through of before - such as what would it be like to explain a Muggle sport to a Wizard? Now, once it ran through my mind, I thought a Wizard might condemn the stupidity or boringness of Muggles, but I love that James is enchanted, and thinks the Muggle sport must be very difficult, or dangerous, or crazy. It's wonderful to find myself surprised and thinking about something new as I read your story. (o: I really like James' comments during that section.
I also enjoyed Petunia thinking in her mind about how Lily had never been interested in her sports, but was obviously laying it on thick to try and show James she cared about her sister. Great way to show us more about the sisters individually and about their relationship.
I love the heat and tension building between James and Petunia, too, of course. I like slow, tense builds myself, so this is fun for me so far. (o:
As for CC - I am still struggling with having the characters tell me so much, instead of showing me. In the beginning here James tells us all these things - like being surprised that Lily didn't think he was acting funny? I just wonder if this is really what a 17 year old guy would be thinking, or if instead he would be trying to convince himself that everything was normal and that he was most definitely not checking out his girlfriend's sister in the rear view mirror every ten minutes. Anyway, that might just by me own take on the situation, but I'd still encourage you to think about Showing vs. Telling. It will help the tension in your developing romance.
Well, anyway, that's just my opinion, and I am just one person. If it helps, great, and if it doesn't, just toss it out. (o: Great work on this storyline! I'm very intrigued and entertained!Author's Response: Hey again! Yes, I imagine James being very excited over football, because he loves sports, and has grown up in a wizarding household, so probably has no knowledge of it. Football will come to have a pretty bit significance with James and Petunia later on :]
I was actually thinking about rewriting some aspects of this story to make more denial on James' part, so its funny that you made that comment. I think it would, like you said, be a more suited reaction.
I am glad you find this intriguing! And thanks for reviewing again!
~~Chelsea Report Review
Heya, I found this story because I thought your summary sounded interesting. (I saw you wanted help with it in the forums.) The story has a really interesting premise. I enjoyed the banter and friendship between Albus and Scorpius. It's a different kind of setup - unique, noncliched, exciting, humorous.
A little bit of CC I might offer: The first half in Hogsmeade had LOTS of dialogue lines and little narration or description, whereas the second half was more balanced. Everyone has their preferences, but it could help to bring the reader closer to the action if we had more descriptors of how the boys were speaking/shouting, which directions they were going, what it looked like around them - just a little bit more to fill in the dialogue, so we see in our minds more than just boys shouting. I think it can just be a bit difficult to start the story out heavy on dialogue without giving the readers a little bit more to hold onto besides our own image of Hogsmeade in flames.
It any of that helps at all, please take it, and if not, then just throw it out - as I am just one person, and it's just my opinion.
Otherwise, it was all very exciting and funny (like the man setting the village on fire because of his wife's affair, and then the two getting married, ha!). And the boys both being headboys so they can get sent to Japan. It's a very interesting plot and premise. But a bit more detail about what's happening around them or even inside them (thoughts/fears/concerns/motives) might give readers more to grasp, and more investment into the boys, as we dig deep into your world.
Anyway, very interesting. I think you've got a nice story here. (o:Author's Response: Hey. Thanks for the review.
The extra description thing is something alot of people have been telling me to do so I've tried to amp it up in the later chapters (alot of the story is already written) so hopefully it'll be less of a problem in the future.
There will be alot more of what's going through their heads and what they are feeling so hopefully it'll be easier to tell Al and Scorpius apart. They are actually quite different, even though they don't seem it at the moment.
The Plot won't really pick up until after the first task is finished but after that, it'll move pretty quickly.
I hope you enjoy the later chapters and thanks again for the review. :D Report Review
Heya! I stumbled upon this and thought it sounded interesting. Indeed - it's a terribly intriguing idea! I really like this presentation of Petunia, and I am interested in reading a not-perfect Lily. (I really don't like perfect characters, hehe.) And James - with his weird fascination/attraction/interest in/to/with Petunia? Wow, totally got me hooked with the ending.
I love that though the sisters have their problems, they still love each other. No one is perfectly good or perfectly evil, right? So there's no sense when they are written in such ways.
I also like the little details - like James' enchantment with riding in a car! And how Petunia counted him looking back at her six times! Hehe! This does sound like a wonderfully interesting summer!
Just a couple of my personal issues/concerns:
When Petunia talks about seeing James on the platform, she says it was at the end of Lily's First Year. If I understand correctly, they've completed their Seventh Year, and Petunia is seeing James again 6 years later, so it makes perfect sense as to why he looked like a child, then, but looks like a man, now. However, when Petunia, at the end of the chapter, mentions how different James looks, she says "this time last year." He would not change so much in one year, would he? Maybe it was just a small typo error? Or else I'm confused!
I do hope a bit of CC is okay... For me, what makes me want to keep reading this story is your extremely interesting plot, and your attention to detail, and the way you write the characters in a more realistic light. The only thing that makes me unsure about continuing is the way in which First Person narrative tends to push authors into revealing too much of the character's inner thoughts. Petunia tells us a lot about her feelings of jealousy for her sister, or her fears of her boyfriend becoming old and fat (though I'm intrigued by the idea of Vernon having just been your average adored-jock, the kind all the girls go for, only to end up an old, fat, balding, angry husband, haha.)... Anyway, I don't know if it's because of the First Person POV, maybe it's more tempting, but the characters *tell* us a lot, instead of the action *showing* us. For example, when Petunia notes James looking back at her 6 times - this is perfect showing. We see the action of James' feelings/interest/fascination, but it leaves us with some question about which it is, and what his motives are, etc. However, when characters tell us about all of their feelings, then it takes away some of the mystery. I know even with 3rd Person, I still sometimes have characters dwelling on their thoughts and feelings, but it's not often that humans are 100% honest with themselves. So sometimes when characters mull over their feelings/thoughts (while waiting on the train to arrive, for example), they might only think on some, limited aspects. What would Petunia really admit to herself, about herself?
Anyway, as I said, the story is really interesting and I plan to read more, as time allows. I want you to know that you write really well, and I hope that the CC is helpful. It's the only reason I would leave any CC - because I think you're a good writer and an excellent storyteller, and I think you have even greater in you. (o:Author's Response: Hey! Im glad you read this!
Oh my goodness! I cant believe I never noticed that error and no one has pointed it out before now! *self-reprimand*
I bit of CC is perfectly fine! I do actually really enjoy CC, its far superior to "ZOMG I LUV THIS STORIEZ!!! PLZ UPDATE S00N!!!" I agree with your comments about 1st person completely. I do try not to do that too much, but I encourage you to slap me back into place if it ends up being like that :]
Wow you are so sweet! Thank you so much for that last compliment! I cant even really form sufficiant words to express my feelings, so Im not even going to try :]
Thanks so much ! < 3
~~Chelsea Report Review
I hope you don't mind, but I decided to read this for fun, and so I don't have a really long critique to offer. I just thought it might be better to leave you a note, though, even if it's short, since I did read this. (o: It's very cute. I like the clever trick that James played on all the girls. It would definitely NOT be cute to them, but I can understand why Harry laughs. I certainly did!
I really liked Neville's letter, too. First, I like seeing that he's the Head of Gryffindor House now - it just seems to fit perfectly. I loved his role in HPDH, and I think it really set him up to grow into quite a wizard, and definitely full of honor and courage and loyalty. The amiable letters to Harry reporting on his son are really fond things to think on. (o:
And Harry's memories back through Fred and George's pranks and jokes - lovely nostalgia, and definitely shows clearly what Harry says in the last line - the apple not falling far from the tree. I bet George loves James. (o:
I also like how you ended the story with the title word. Nice!
This was a fun, light read. It felt a tad short, but yet the plot/idea was "complete." Maybe a bit more detail on Harry's memories or this life he has, his children. I don't know, I just know I could have read more. But that's a good thing. (o:Author's Response: Why hello! Thanks for takign the time to R&R this! :]
Yes, if I was one of those girls, after I got done crying my eyes out, I would go hunt down that James Potter lol. But Im glad it made you laugh!
And yes, about Neville. We do know he's Herbology prof, so why not Gryffindor Head? He really did grow a lot, starting at OotP, just like you said. And I pictured Neville laughing when he was writing that letter, but still trying to come off as the responsible Head of House :]
I know the memories go awfully quick...I was actually thinking about adding in some memories Harry had of past things James had done, but then I'd have to work it in with the toilet seat theme (lol). I'm glad you could have read more! That means it wasnt boring, yay!
PS, sorry for the long winded response oi. (but then again, I kinda like it when authors leave long responses to my reviews, so) :] Report Review
Aw, that was very sweet. Well done! (o: I like how you explained the background, with Ginny not actually liking boys but going with it because that was what was always expected of her. Your Luna is really wonderful, too. For a moment, when she was speaking with Draco, part of me was dying to see it turn to a Luna/Draco story, hahaha! But I knew it would be slash (I found this from the Slash-Challenge-Thread in the forums). Anyway, I think it was funny that Snape found them, but better yet that he wasn't going to tell or stop them. Haha!
Great job on the challenge! I think it went really well, and your Luna is very canon. (o:Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review!
I'm glad you liked the story! It was quite a difficult pairin to write! Ahh yes the old Draco/Luna pairing, if Luna wasn't so difficult to write I would probable give it a go, but writing her in this was enough to almost make my mind have a blow out! :S I'm glad you think she's to canon, I was really worried about that because she is such a great character!
Thanks again for your awesome review!
Burke Report Review
Hi there! So glad I stumbled across this tonight. I LOVE when a Harry/Draco writer revisits history and "rewrites" it for us, so to speak. It's usually just a matter of giving a different perspective, not really re-writing, right? I was immediately intrigued that you intended to take us through the 7 years between these boys. I love these kinds of tales!
I hope you don't mind, but I made a few notes while I read:
I love the part where Draco's only 12, and yet it's then, so early on, that he develops this kink for Potter. For Parseltongue. It's lovely. (o:
When he's 13, I love that you mention the thrill, and the raw emotion Draco sees in Harry's eyes. Yay for important details!
And also, that he wanted to understand Harry's fears. I found that very interesting. I could definitely see that with Draco, even if he would never admit to wanting to know for any other reason than to torment Potter. Yet the way you describe Draco growing up with tales of the Boy Who Lived - it seems logical that Draco would be so intrigued, confused, and angry about Potter... and yet would still want to know, even if in some macabre or morbid fashion, what fears Harry had, what things the Dementors brought to his mind...
She had black hair; that was a start. And, if you squinted in poor lighting, her blue eyes could resemble green.
I loved these lines. (o: Hee!
I liked hearing all that Harry heard when the Dementors drew close to him - all the details of childhood and such, and I love any scenes in H/D stories where Draco finds out that Harry's life wasn't so nice before Hogwarts (or after/during/etc!). But the emotion in this scene that Harry let so easily be shown before Malfoy seemed a bit...unnatural. I like emotion, but it's hard with these two, getting them there, you know? I'm not sure at these ages and in these circumstances if I can see it. Nevertheless, I like how later it tied into how they treated each other...
Oh, I love their dialogue where Draco talks about liking black and liking green. Hee! It's sweet. And subtle. Nicely done!
This story has lots of nice quotes, too - like the one about desire and anger...? I've always though Harry and Draco were such a good illustration of the passion that lies in anger (and which could easily turn into something else!)
Oh, the scene with Harry slamming Malfoy against the wall...? Eeee! Oh, hearts. Because I LOVE those kinds of tense, passionate displays!
Also, I liked Draco's pride over helping Harry escape the manor. That was very fitting and in character, a subtle display of Draco's emotions and feelings, there. And I especially loved, in that scene, where you had Draco mentally revisit the ideas of Harry the legend, the idol, from childhood. Perfectly sweet, endearing, and in-character. Good work to bring that up again at such a moment when their lives are both on the lines, fighting for something that, before that point, had just been their parents fight (well, sort of; at least to Draco's POV).
I love Draco's like about "nothing I do could ever redeem me." I can definitely see how he would feel/think this way. Poor lad. I like how he became a more dynamic character in the later books. (o:
Oh, and I definitely like how Harry gets his kiss in the midst of the action of the final battle and etc., just like Ron and Hermione got to have theirs. Yay for Harry and Draco. (So much more fitting than Harry and...Ginny. Sorry, I couldn't write this review without saying it...)
I tell you, I just really love Draco's kink, when Harry speaks Parseltongue to him. It's such hot torment, right? Hee. *blush* But a wonderful scene. Thanks so much for writing this story. I'm so glad I found it. You're a great writer, and you've told a good story!Author's Response: First: So, so so sorry I'm ridiculously late with this response! *is a bad, bad person who does not deserve reviews this wonderful*
I'm so happy you enjoyed this! When I first read this I was just sitting here grinning like an idiot, really. (And was left a bit too incoherent to leave a proper reply, too...)
I def. agree with you on the whole "rewriting history" thing - I love stories like that as well, and I truly enjoyed writing this one. It was a bit challenging, but I'm happy I managed to finish
I'm glad you enjoyed the parsletongue kink. Tehe. I always thought that, if Draco has a kink, that would probably be it, notorious little Slytherin as he is.
I agree with everything you said about the GoF scenes - it's a bit hurried perhaps, and I'm thinking about rewriting it. Also, glad you picked up on those subtle hints!
"Oh, the scene with Harry slamming Malfoy against the wall...? Eeee! Oh, hearts. Because I LOVE those kinds of tense, passionate displays!"
*squee* I love scenes like that too, and I don't think I could ever write a D/H fic without having at least ONE scene like that in it, haha.
Thank you so much for the comments on the DH parts! I'm so happy you liked Draco's moment after he helped Harry - I was actually uncertain if I should keep that part or not, but I guess I made the right choice ^.~
And yes, MUCH more fitting than Harry/Ginny... Ugh. Feel free to bash that ship whenever you're reviewing my stuff, hon. Heh.
Again, thank you so, SO much for taking the time to read and review this. I'm such an awful person for not responding sooner =( *is ashamed, but glomps anyway*
Also: I saw your msg about offering to beta. It would be brilliant. I'll send you a PM, because I feel that I'm getting slightly off topic here now...
Lots of love,
Linnea Report Review
Hehe, this was very cute and entertaining. (o: I'm intrigued by where you'll take them next. A few typos with punctuation and grammar, but the story is interesting. Good luck with the writing! (o:Author's Response: Oh, is there?? Darn, I'll go back and re-read it :) but thanks for telling me that there are mistakes. Report Review
Hi there! It's wisty with your review from eHPF. (o: This was a lovely little piece, short but emotional, just enough to capture meaning and yet also leave the reading still wanting, wondering, thinking.
From the beginning, I really felt a tone of remembrance, something somber, but yet this air of light aloofness, if that makes any sense. The dream part in the beginning, the rushing to the found - it was perfect. It has a Luna-feel, a mixture of dream and yet her own kookiness that makes you wonder what's real and what's not.
When I realized she actually woke up by the lake, I was startled. She was night walking, right? Er, walking in her sleep? Then I remembered that she mentioned that somewhere, right? Wearing her shoes to bed? Was it book 6? Or was it just in a movie somewhere?
Luna felt the music in her; it sang of grief not for the dead, but for those left behind.
Gorgeous. Perfectly Fawkes, perfectly Dumbledore, and perfectly Luna. Additionally, because we know what eventually happened as the battle came to Hogwarts, excellent 'foreshadowing.' Love it.
One small thing I'm unsure of, myself: Luna's voice in her 'dialogue' with Dumbledore. For me, I'm not sure it really sounds like her. It sounds very nice, something touching. But ...somehow missing her flare. Does that make any sense? But this might just be me, as I said, I'm particular about Luna. So if it doesn't help you, just toss it out.
Luna saw herself in the lake. Her nightgown was torn, rent down the front and covered in mud. Her face was covered in ashes and her eyes were red-rimmed from tears. She shivered.
I love the imagery, here. Also, were the torn clothes and ashes on the face an intentional thing? As I understand it, that was an ancient custom when someone became outrageously angry or aggrieved. They would tear their clothes, and put ash on their face. Is this what you were creating? It's lovely, if so, but wonderful even if it was accident. What I wonder...where did the ashes come from? Could there have been some burst of flame there? Or are we to understand it to have arrived the same was as the coloured feather?
“I came to say goodbye to Professor Dumbledore. I wanted him to know that he’ll be missed.” She met Professor McGonagall’s gaze and held it until tears started to brim in both of their eyes.
This, here, I love Luna's straightforwardness about her purpose being there despite the 'ill logic' regarding the fact of Dumbdledore being dead and unable to hear goodbyes. In this case, I definitely think the voice rings true to Luna. Very fitting.
Professor McGonagall shook her head. “It was just a dream, dear.”
“That doesn’t mean it wasn’t real, Professor.”
She knelt and picked up a brightly coloured feather from the ground.
Lovely! Totally adore it! These lines are brilliant - so Dumbledore, obviously, but so Luna, in my opinion too. A perfect ending to this piece, I think. (o: It was a pleasure to read and I hope my feedback could help in some way. Remember I am only one person so my opinions are only my own. Take what helps you and throw out what doesn't. (o: Excellent work!Author's Response: First of all, I want to say that I think you're right about Luna's piece of dialogue to DD. I think I should make it more wistful and etheric; right now it's something that Harry would say more. Thanks for pointing that out.
Was she night-walking or did she fly there with Fawkes? That's the conundrum I want the reader to have. The ash is meant to either come from Fawkes burning or from Luna finding it somewhere as she sleep-walks; it's up to the reader to decide. I know the HBP movie she says that she sleep-walks, but I'm not sure if it's in the books (this was written before I saw the movie).
Yes, the ashes and ripped clothing was intentional. It's traditional for mourning.
Your feedback and review are very welcome. CC helps us grow.
I'm glad that I seem to have gotten the dream imagery right and it's not too heavy-handed. Report Review
Okay, part 2! This was a nice continuation. I wonder if you intended it to be two parts, originally? And if so, why you decided to break it up? If not, why you decided to continue? I'm curious. (o: I like picking authors' brains! Hehe.
When Elphias asked after Aberforth though, Albus gave an uncharacteristic excuse, saying that his brother was much entangled with other business and that he’d not spoken to him in some time.
Nice. This sounds perfect for what Albus would say, given the situation, and his voice/tone. It sounds like it comes from the books, it's so cannon, in my opinion!
who just happen to be good friend’s
Plural: good friends
Elphias was in many ways, as unremarkable as white rice.
Haha! I love this line! (o:
Nor would they quickly forget the boy in Albus’s constant shadow. And Elphias was content with that, because he loved that shadow. Loved the man who caste the shadow.
Aww, oh dear! I love this. It says SO much, and says it in a different way, you know? But Elphias certainly adored Albus. Oh, and I believe 'caste' should be 'cast.' They have very different meanings. (o:
seven years of close quarter’s
Plural: close quarters. There are many instances of this, so please do watch your plurals/possessives. I don't think I marked them all down.
Love him for befriending a boy with dragon pock’s and loved him for his dear bookish ways. Loved Albus for never having openly acknowledged that love and loved him all the more for never having mocked it.
I think it should be: Loved* him for...with dragon pox* and loved... Aside from that, I love how Elphias appreciates the positive and negative aspects. And the last line? Beautiful. Just so, really, gorgeous. It's emotional and heavy, and tells us a lot about both characters. Maybe my favorite line/theme in the story. (o:
“Elphias,” Dumbledore began but Elphias shook his head and stood up shakily.
Just a thought - you use 'shook' and 'shakily' in the same line. It usually flows better not to repeat a word too close together. Maybe tremulously or something else? *shrug*
He felt a guilty flush, for having been away when Albus’s mother and sister died.
I like this line. It says a lot without saying it, mainly because we readers know what was really happening with the Dumbledores and understand more than Elphias does at this point. Or at least I think we do... Anyway, it just says so much more that what's actually there.
You don’t know what its like,
Should be: what it's like...
“I wanted it to be you though,” Elphias added suddenly. “I’ve always only ever wanted it to be you.”
Oh dear. My heart...! This boy. So brave to just blurt that out, too. I liked this part a lot.
He didn’t know why he’d never seen it before. Probably because he hadn’t wanted to and the sudden insight of knowledge hit Elphias low in the gut and high in the head.
Albus was in love with some one else, perhaps had been for a long time, even before Elphias had left for his Grand Tour. Elphias couldn’t guess as to who and was sure, he thought as he stepped back and the front door closed, that he never wanted to know.
Oh dear, again! This section was spectacular! Totally awesome. Heavy, meaningful, emotional. Cutting. And I like the very last tagline, so raw and intense, juxtaposed with all that love and softness. Really excellent job with this. (o:
...down the front walk and very gently open, and then closed, the front gate behind him. He paused a moment in the middle of the lane to pull out a cigarette and light it with the tip of his wand.
Should be: ...and very gently opened*, and then closed... Also, I like the detail of his wand lighting the cigarette. I've never seen that in fanfic before! (o:
He did not spare a backward glance for the cottage and so he did not see the front curtain part, or a pair of bright blue eyes, now all the more clear for their unshed tears, following Elphias as he walked down the way.
I'm so curious about this part. What do you believe Albus is feeling and thinking here? I confess I'm unsure. Is he thinking on how big Elphias's love for him is, and maybe at this moment Albus feels a lot of unlove toward himself? Feels unlovable and unworthy? Or does it involve his own feelings for Elphias? I'm curious what you, the author, think (or know). (o:
Anyway, nice work! I hope something I said helped. Remember that I am just one person, so please do take what is helpful, and throw out the rest. (o:Author's Response: Hi, again. So to answer your questions...
First, I never met the story to be broken into two parts. Originaly it was a one-shot that I wanted to come in under about three-thousand words. But, the further I got into the story, it became very clear that there was just too much to do in one readable short, and for the sake of my readers (and plot tension, as it turned out) I split the story in two. Still, the divide seems to work and none of my readers have complained yet. *fingers crossed*
As for the second question, what's on Albus' mind. Honestly, I don't know... I remember writing the ending without the bit where Albus peers out the window. I saved the story, closed it out and walked away. Unfortunately I was plagued by this image of Albus parting the curtain with his hand, and watching as his old friend walked away. The image wouldn't leave me alone, and after about a day I went back and ajusted the ending, even though I didn't really understand the emotions behind the scene; was Albus regretful, relieved, sad or maybe even angry? The problem I kept encountering with the whole write was that Albus as a character was very remote, I couldn 't get a clear bead on his thoughts, which was great because since I was writing from Elphias' POV, he didn't know either, but as the author it kept me confused, and still does. Why Albus watched Elphias go I may never know...
Thanks again for another great review. Huggles.
Hi, sorry for the delay again. But I'm here with your review. I'm very intrigued by the Albus/Elphias pairing. Honestly, I'd be interested to read any well written slash about Dumbledore. I don't mean sexyslashy stuff, just, you know, to see that side of Dumbledore exposed a bit more - his affection for some of the friends he once had, perhaps. And whether he muted that part of his life as he aged, or if he had anyone special, behind the scenes. Ah, but I'm rambling. I just like well told stories!
And this is interesting and intriguing. I like your vocabulary. There were some typos and things, though. So the next part will go sequentially through the text, what stood out to me.
First, I like the intro; it really draws the reader in. I liked the part about gathering truth from the wooden gate. Just watch your commas though. Sometimes I think you don't need the ones you have, other times you need them where you don't have them...
..as if it to were shocked at the state of things and hoped to gild the broken titles and crooked window shudders, the cracking facade and overgrown front yard into some former semblance of charm.
I think it should be, "as if it too* were..." And titles of what? Or do you mean tiles? And what about a comma after yard? Just sounded a bit off to my ears, that's all.
"Now he gave the front door a pert knock when he reached it..."
And also, this might just be me, but 'now' always sounds funny to me, when used in a past tense story. And I don't think it changes any of the meaning, or flow, or rhythm, to remove it. But of course that might just be a preference thing. (o:
"the air laden with a rain soaked sun."
A very concise but full description. I like it. (o:
...of sunny day’s spent walking by the lake...
Should be plural: sunny days... (no ownership)
of hours in chilled classroom’s
Again, plural: classrooms. (no ownership)
an familiar greeting and
Should be 'a familiar...' rather than 'an.' (o:
Oh, yes, the part where the two men hug? I found myself wondering for the first time, very curiously I might add, how Albus Dumbledore might hug. Especially as a younger fellow. Is it warm and full and enveloping? Or brief and distant? Or a sideways hug full of uncertainty? It wasn't necessarily something I thought needed to be added or anything. I just remember thinking, "I wonder...!" And your words started me on that train of thought. (o:
...gripping Elphias shoulder
Elphias needs ownership here. It should be either: Elphias's shoulder OR Elphias' shoulder. (As far as I can tell, both versions are accepted variants, but it should be consistent within the story, when used.)
Your travel’s have done you well
Plural, no ownership: Your travels* have done you well...
from the India border
Just wondering if this should maybe be 'the Indian border' or 'the border of India.' Unless, back in their day, this was the common way to say it...? Just curious...
how the old place carry’s on
It should be: ...how the old place carries* on...
I don’t stay here but on the weekend’s.
Plural, no ownership: on the weekends.
“Seem’s like they were
Should be: "Seems like they were..."
Oh, also, I noticed when you use names, you're lacking commas. When you point out someone, like: "My dear friend, Albus!" or "My neighbor, John, doesn't have a car," you should use a comma before and after the name, or if there is a final punctuation mark at the end (! ? or .) then just use a comma before the name... Maybe I'm telling you something you already know though. Er, sorry. *hides*
pooled between the two friend then
I think it should be: pooled between the two friends* then...
Elphias might come to know himself completely, pure without his secrecy and their friendship that were the drug to which Elphias had been so long addicted.
I really liked this part. I think it tells us a lot about Elphias, and his feelings or his struggle. Poor fella. Anyway, it's a lovely line, I really like it! (o:
Alrighty, that's the review for this part. Because the parts are fairly short, I think I might be able to go ahead and do the next one, too, while I'm here. (o: We'll see...! Please let me know if my reviews are ever too much, or if you would prefer for me to focus on some other aspects.Author's Response: Hello again dear taylorj! What an amazing pair of reviews! I think you missed your calling as a beta, I mean really. You're always so on point and you catch all my little mistakes, it's amazing. Stuff I've looked at twice times over becomes clear and obvious when another pair of eyes look's at it, and I'm super excited to have your eyes all over this story.
Seeing everything you have to say here convinces me that I really need to take this piece down and do some serious clean-up on it. It's been a while since I've gone over it, and having a fresh perspective will be nice. Plus, all your specific examples and exerts make the job of clean-up ever so much easier;)
I want to thank you for your time and effort, I am sincerely grateful. Now, onto the next review...
BB Report Review
That was lovely. (o: The first paragraph was very poetic. I got lost in your imagery. (o: And the line immediately after - so contrary. It's excellent juxtaposition!
This is a real piece of prose here. I enjoy how you explore Dean's feelings, and the detail you've put into this small clip, this tender scene, when friendship turns into something else. It's really gorgeous, and reads unlike fanfic. It reads like literature. (o: The vocabulary and phrasing are really wonderful, unique, specific, and conjuring mental images...
And exactly 500 words? That's incredible! (o:Author's Response: :) Haha. Yes. The juxtaposition! I wanted the reader to feel as if only the feeling of love is beautiful! I hope it worked! And I've been getting a lot of compliments saying it has a poetic feel, but you've gone further and said that it reads unline a fanfic and more alike literature. That's awesome.
I'm very happy you enjoyed how I explored his feelings and how I developed this one very particular scene. I'm glad also that you loved the way I phrased things ~ some find it somewhat alluring.
I loved that challenge a lot; I felt it really tested me! I hope this was enough for you to return to read more of my stories!
-Axjion Report Review
Hi there! This is taylorj828 here with your review. (o: This is a very interesting story you've got going. I like your well thought-out plot, and the background you've filled in, though I would be careful about putting so much in the first chapter, in that it could feel rather heavy on information instead of action. I'm not saying it is that way, just to be careful of that, for future reference. You can slowly reveal some of the information as you go along, if it would work for your style.
I like the idea of Harry being bitter toward the Wizarding world, and I love how he is acting - darker, more threatening, the criminal. It's intriguing. Harry is where I would expect Draco to be, and Draco where I would expect to find Harry. I also wonder about Ron's part in all this. Very intrigued!
All in all, it's good work for the plot, idea, and storytelling. It sounds live you've got a great start on a novel here, definitely leaves the reader curious for what happens next. (o:
Just two small comments about detailed grammar issues - there are a couple of cases where you were missing apostrophes and 's' for showing ownership. I believe one was with "The boy who lived" and another with "Dawlish." Those these are awkward, you should technically have the 's for ownership. Another thing is commas around names. Technically, in a sentence like, "his roommate Blaise always told him..." you should have a comma before and after 'Blaise' like this: "his roommate, Blase, always told him."
Anyway, great first chapter! Keep going with this, it's very interesting! Oh, yeah, and I love the Einstein quote! (o:Author's Response: Hello m'dear!
Wow, what an amazing review. It's so insightful.
I'm really glad you liked this - I was totally unsure in the beginning what people would think of this; and one of my biggest concerns was if people would understand or not, another one was the characterizations.
I think this is why the first chapter is quite "heavy" - it's very much AU and that sort of thing always demands a very detailed backstory and characterization to work.
Furthermore, thank you so much for pointing out those grammar mistakes! I'm swedish you see; english is not my first language and sometimes I just go blind and can't correct my own stuff.
Anyway, I'm so, so happy you liked it, and again, thank you so much for leaving me a review!
Linnea Report Review
Oh dear, I have to confess that I love this!! (o: Sorry, had to get that out there before my usual, "hey, this is taylorj828, here for your review, etc." Heh. So I usually so mark down anything that sticks out and mention it all sequentially, which is what I'll do, then leave my parting comments, overall, at the end. (o:
Firstly, I love your imagery and description. From the very first paragraph you really painted wonderful pictures, and told amazing details about the space and the people just be showing, rather than telling things. It was beautiful - all the details about the way people walked, or the smell in the air. I adored it!
His gaze never does linger as long as I’d like but I smile friendly just the same.
I liked this line, as I thought it showed a lot about Jack (and also Remus) without going to heavy introspection. It's just a quick line describing action, or lack of action, that also tells us about their emotions. Wonderful! Also, I just especially like the wording/phrasing of the first half of it. It's just different and prose-like. Much love! (Have I warned you that I adore language and words??)
And I especially love the love speech patterns and peculiar phrases and words you've used as Jack is speaking and narrating. It's so rare that someone thinks deeply about these things when writing hpff, and I think it worked especially well with your First Person POV. I normally avoid First Person, but I think you played it wonderfully to your strengths here, and capturing Jack's voice the way you did, I don't think the story would convey as much if it weren't in First Person. Anyway, I just love the way Jack speaks, his phrases and his bad grammar, and his dialect. It's lovely. (o:
Something’s in this world just don’t make a krunt of sense but I makes do any how. Once the liquids near a simmer I pour if off into a heavy glass...
Just a couple small errors. I believe it should be: "Some *things* in this world just don't... Once the liquid's* near a simmer, I pour it* off into a heavy glass..."
I know Jack speaks in his own unique ways, but these things seem more like punctuation/typo issues, and I doubt Jack thinks in punctuation. (o:
The old place seems empty without her usual’s.
Also, I believe it should be: "without her usuals*." There is no ownership, I think it's just meant to be plural, right?
I like the part where Remus refers to Jack as a child, and this sticks to Jack, and he reacts to it, feeling contrary. It's so realistic, and works well to show characteristics of each character. (o:
“You are right,” he agrees, body and face all suddenly animated. “Things do change. Harry… He is so like him, I couldn’t help but see Prongs. I’ve felt so guilty for it, you understand?”
I don’t understand but I nod anyway, scared to death that he won’t say more. I don’t know what use it will be to me, our strange crumbly conversation, but at least he’s saying something.
I had to quote this, because I especially loved this, too! I love the dialogue, how Remus just rambles on, and how Jack, not understanding any of it, just wants him to keep speaking. It's beautiful, and I just want to squish 'em both.
One thing I was thinking about though... I was reading along and assuming the narrator was a boy, since it was a slash story request, but I wasn't sure if you were very going to confirm this, and part of me was, for a time, wishing you would have put it in earlier in the story somewhere, or thinking you might never mention his name/gender, and leave it open-ended. However, when I reached the end, where Remus calls Jack's name, I found that it was fitting, and had to "eat" my own thoughts. I actually think it's clever (and sneaky?) because I can imagine all kinds of people reading this, thinking this dear 'girl' is crushing on Remus so, and Surprise! It's our dear boy, Jack, instead! I don't know if you wanted it that way, but I like it. I love that Remus knows his name, too. And I think you did excellently, writing Jack as a boy, but keeping it a bit ambiguous, for a reader who might begin to read, thinking it's a girl, and getting a surprise later. Well, just me rambling about this, anywho. (o:
And lastly, I have to confess my huge Jack love. (o: I am not a fan of OCs, generally, and I normally don't read about Marauders either, but what I am "walking away" from this story feeling is an intense love for Jack. I would read more stories about him, because you've got such a wonderful handle on him, and he is so intriguing, so honest and sweet, and yet flavored with his different speech, and his crush on the older man, and just everything about him makes me want to know more about Jack, and his world. I think it's a huge credit to your writing, storytelling, and character development. (o:
So, I'm glad to have been able to read this. It was truly wonderful!Author's Response: Great gads, now this is a review! What an absolutely delicious detailed treat. Thank you so much for taking the time and investing the energy to give me such an absolutely thorough and wonderful review!
I really appreciate pointing out specific issues, that helps me so much and so few people are willing to do that. I will attend to the things you've pointed out ;)
So yes, I was purposely vague about Jack being a guy and not a girl. Most people will assume that this protag is a girl, but I wanted to prove a point: that attraction, love...all of that is not only ageless, but it is also genderless. This piece from the very start was done in the hopes of surprising people and geared towards changing their minds about slash work; I wanted to prove that a good story is a good story, and love comes in all shapes and sizes.
As for Jack himself, he appeared very suddenly in my mind, and with all the completeness I could have ever asked of a character. His desires, his voice, his fears and his faults were imediately and organically ready for me to write, and sometimes good writing just happens like that and I'm super grateful it does. I'm in love with him too, and I hope to come back with him at some later point. (We're just waiting on the right story *wink-wink*).
Thank you again for this review. It's so appreciated.
Oh this was so clever! I absolutely loved it! I love these kinds of stories that are about something more, something deeper. It was so imaginative and creative. I think it's brilliant. What more can I say? The concept, the idea... This average muggle man taking Harry in, and in the end giving him the strength to go on, reminding Harry of who he's saving, the whole world he's saving... The kindness, hospitality, and Harry's leaving in the morning... I just love it all! And your writing is superb! Great literature, wonderful storytelling. And I love your last line!
I'm a total fan of this story. (o:
Oh, and it matches so well with the verse quoted, too. It's like you have a moral with your story, whether you intended to or not. In a world where people are more and more isolating themselves without realizing it, it's encouraging to be reminded about hospitality and taking care of others, of strangers, or whomever happens to need it. Yep, love this story. (o:Author's Response: Oh jeeze. What an awesome review!
When I read the quote prompt the idea for this story just came to me. I didn't spend too much time creating a moral, I just tried to capture the essense of the quote itself. I'm really glad you thought I got it so spot-on.
Thanks for taking the time to R&R!! Report Review
Nice first chapter! Sorry it took me so long, but I kept getting distracted and had to keep coming back to it! I'm very curious and intrigued - about the memory, about someone attempting to make Harry forget. I like Hermione taking care of Harry. And of course I'm eager to what happens with the blond boy Harry just stumbled upon! Great set up! Definitely draws the reader in!
Sorry this is a short review. I'll have more time for the next ones, I'm sure of it!Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed the first chapter and that it caught your attention. Like I said this is my first slashy story so it's new territory... lol. Can't wait to see what you think of the next story!
Eagerly waiting for your next review!
~Moon~ Report Review
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