Reading Reviews From Member: taylorj828
  
536 Reviews Found

Review #1, by taylorj828Sinner: Sinner

17th August 2011:
Hi there, taylorj828 with your requested review!

Very interesting piece, reads much more like prose, like art, than general fanfiction. It has a mystery about it, a question it seems to be asking that's just beyond reach, not boldly and blandly stated. Giving the reader something to look for and think about.

A few small typos, I think just at the beginning with that/than for example. Otherwise, I though you constructed it well. It's interested that there are no characters named at all, and of course no dialogue. Yet you still tell a story, not only that, but provoke thoughts and responses in the reader.

Sorry that this review is a bit short, but the piece is a bit short too, so I'm not sure what else I can say! I think you did a good job of getting us into the mind of a character we probably don't often visit in fanfiction, and you did it in a different kind of style, with a different kind of view. Overall, well done! (o:

Author's Response: Thank you for the review :) I'm currently going through all of my stories, editing them and correcting typos, so thank you for pointing that out...
Ada/BB4L


 Report Review

Review #2, by taylorj828One Night: One Night

17th August 2011:
Hi there, this is taylorj828 with your requested review! Very interesting moment, or glimpse here into these characters' lives. I enjoyed reading it! First off, you had a great opening line! In fact, the whole first scene was a great opening scene, really well-described so I could see it all happening very clearly in my head. (o:

I thought it was very interesting to hear the boys talk about these characters that we know in such a different ways, in their future lives in the books. I've never read anything that gave us a point of view of the younger Narcissa, Lucius, or Bellatrix - at least not something that had a bit of depth, a view other than just pre-Death Eaters.

I really like how you've written Narcissa. For example, how she made that statement about the boys escaping the party, rather than asking a question. It's good characterization and I can imagine that would be how a young Narcissa would act.

Haha, she was seducing him! I love it! It intrigues me. And really, wow, I can't believe Sirius said that to his mum! I wondered if that was going to become the day that Sirius moved in with James. (o:

Well, hot kissing scene!! (o: And I really like how Narcissa was the one pursuing him! We see a low of sweet girls in fanfic who are pursued by the boys. It's nice to see a girl going after someone she wants. Just a nice twist to read. (o; Especially because it's James Potter, who could be arrogant and full of himself most times (so it seemed from the books), here, bested by a girl seducing him. I like it!

Nicely written, and very interesting! Well done!

Author's Response: Thanks for the nice long review! I'm glad you enjoyed it, especially the opening scene, since that is probably my favourite part of the story. I figured Sirius wouldn't have trouble mouthing off to his mum at the best of times, but especially not when he was drunk. I didn't even intend for this to be when Sirius moved out at first, but it just fit in with their argument so... there you have it. Haha, I love flustered James too! He can't always be arrogant and in control, after all. Thanks again!

 Report Review

Review #3, by taylorj828The Antidote: Incarceration

13th August 2011:
I'm so sorry, but I don't have too much to say by way of review for this chapter. I'm not sure why. Everything fit well together, flowed, made me feel sorry for Hermione, thankful for McGonagall, amused by Snape's anger and dislike...

But wow, I didn't realize that Hermione couldn't even be seen by students and professors while at Hogwarts! Extreme! I get that that's how it would be at Azkaban, too... Just, wow, I hadn't really thought of that before now. It'll be hard just interacting with two people all year long, but I guess that's better than having no one!

Harry Potter's Cloak... I do wonder where they got his Cloak from? Wouldn't Harry have kept it? A quick note to show how they had come by it would help us stickler readers. Haha. (o; Good chapter, still very much interested in what will happen next!

Author's Response: Thank you again... the cloak question is anwsered later. ;)

Thanks for reading and reviewing! *HUGS*


 Report Review

Review #4, by taylorj828The Antidote: Welcome to Azkaban

13th August 2011:
Another great opening scene, this time describing what it's like in Azakaban. I think you made it very realistic, and I liked all the details and imagery you included. (o:

Also well done, on the part about Snape requesting someone to grade the 1st-4th year Potions papers, and then magically, haha, they now have Hermione at their disposal. I love that McGonagall insists that Snape work with Hermione. It does make sense, after all, since Hermione brought Snape back to life. But now this is starting to bring those difficult time-travel questions to mind. Like who all remembers the original past? Because obviously McGonagall and Snape do. But would the rest of the world know about Snape's death, or will it have never gotten out, and how we do figure out who remembers what? Haha, the difficulties of time-turners!

The scene at the Burrow... and Harry's and Ron's reactions to Hermione being gone and getting a position with the Department of Mysteries... well, I'm not sure how I feel about Harry and Ron in that scene. They don't really fit with the Harry and Ron I knew from book 7 but I also realize that you may be writing this as an AU. However, if you had some more details to show how Harry and Ron were different in this world, it would help us, otherwise it just seems like they're a bit out of character. Of course Ron and Harry know her very well, but their reactions seem like they've come from younger versions of themselves. Ron's right about Hermione loving to share knowledge, but it seems unfitting that he pouts and says it won't last. I get what you're showing, I think, but it doesn't seem to fit with the long journey that Ron and Hermione have taken together and all that happened between them in book 7. So, if in this AU world, Ron and Hermione never got together in book 7 (or else had a post-war break-up), it might be good to work that into the story somewhere, so readers understand better. Even just passing comments would be fine, a nod to canon or explanations for non-canon. I know, silly details, but I guess there are anal people out here like me, who get snagged on these things. Haha. And Harry saying she would miss them too much? Well, of course she would miss them, but Hermione is an amazingly strong young woman, and I don't think Harry would think of her as the kind of person who wouldn't follow a dream or opportunity just because it took her far from family and friends. I dunno, that's a difficult one. She's loyal, devoted, and loves deeply, but she's also very driven and ambitious. Eh, yeah, I'm just rambling now, sorry. Hehe.!

But I was thinking, if you didn't actually fancy writing out Ron and Harry in that scene at the Burrow with McGongall, you also could have easily just had McGonagall make an off-hand mention to Snape as she was leaving him, that she was planning to drop in on the Weasleys to invent a story for Ron and Harry so they'd not get suspicious. Then we readers would know that you'd covered your bases with Hermione's best friends, but you wouldn't have to actually write the scene, if there wasn't something otherwise useful or enjoyable for you to write.

One tiny thing - hehe - jumping jacks and crunches... I just wonder - do you think wizards have the same names for these exercises as Muggles do? We never once actually saw wizards doing exercises/fitness/etc in the books, did we? Maybe they have some funny names for exercises? And anyway, I know that in England they have a different name for jumping jacks, but I've forgotten what it is now.. Hrm.. I do think crunches have the same name in the UK though.

Another lovely chapter, and I'm ever so interested to see what's next in this story!

Author's Response: Well... I can't write harry and ron very well. And for my storys I prefer to use them as little as possible. But I could'nt just, not, put in the story because I have a hard enough time convincing non-sevmione fans to read my stories lol.


As for the exercises... I'm taking the liberty of being american... and saying I don't care that much lol. I will work hard to get cannon facts right for the sake of the story... but I won't be able to catch every americanism. I'm from America and I'm not as well versed in British English... so there it is lol.

Thank you again for another awsome review ;)


 Report Review

Review #5, by taylorj828The Antidote: Special Delivery

12th August 2011:
I really liked the chapter, I feel like we've gotten much more into the action and into the driving plot of idea of the story. (o:

Very nice scene with Snape in the beginning, and at last him finally trusting her about the phials. It's very much like Snape that he would immediately distrust, assuming some poison or other Darkness, especially during a time of so much danger, the inside man, having played both sides... But Hermione did well to convince him. (o:

Oh yay, no tomb!! But... drat, she's caught...

As for the flashback scene, I definitely think that, yeah, if he's dying, why not just take the potion? Even if he hadn't tested it! He was going to die anyway! But he didn't! Hurrah Hermione, you made it right!

Aw, it sounds like Snape didn't fancy having Little-Miss-Know-It-All give up her life to save his... Haha..! And yet, I think he does; I think you conveyed very well two sides of his emotions, though one side very, very overwhelmingly hidden and understated.

Great speech from Snape to the Unspeakables! And I like the part where Hermione knows he's furious with her, and yet trying to help her anyway. He did that few times even for Harry, haha! Though I think he helped Hermione much more here than he ever would have helped Harry. :oP

I like the agreement they came to at the end, even if it means Hermione spending two months in Azkaban. It's very interesting for the story, and of course wonderfully 'terrible' that she'll have to stay at Hogwarts (and near Snape!) for the entire next year. (o; Well done on this chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you. ;) I was very happy with how this chapter turned out... even if its a bit sad.

 Report Review

Review #6, by taylorj828The Antidote: Formula

12th August 2011:
Me again! I'll see how many reviews I can get through now. (o: Well, I like in the beginning how we see Hermione envisioning Snape working so hard, with the 12 cauldrons of various potions and etc. Lots of good details that made the scene come to life, and a nice connection between Snape's past ad Hermione's present.

Haha, I was really hoping that Hermione was going to try and bring him back! YAY! And also you have nice wording about how if she succeeds it will make all her hard work useless. It's ironic, and rare that someone would desire the very thing that would render their work pointless. Nice turn of phrase. (o:

Wow, making the antidote looks very difficult, especially if even Snape was unsuccessful! And Hermione has only one shot at it! I'm wishing her luck!! (o;

Hm, I do think Hermione's timing with her question about time- turners would have made her seem a bit obvious to McGonagall (who did pick up on it), but then again, Hermione has never been the best at being sneaky, withholding information, or choosing the right timing. Hehe.

Wow, I feel slow! I ever even thought of using a timer-turner to bring someone back to life! But yes I do agree that it must be illegal to do so, or else everyone would do it. Was this actually something once stated in the books, or you came up with it? Very logical.

Also, good explanation of how she got the timer-turner (the Hogwarts' time-turner!)... And then you left us with a cliffie about what happens when she shows up in Snape's headmaster room... Although, I wonder if she was able to choose the exact time of the day to return, or if she chose a completely different day than his last day alive...? I think the next chapter will tell of course! Another great chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you for the wonderful comments ;) *HUGS*

 Report Review

Review #7, by taylorj828The Antidote: New Accommodations

11th August 2011:
Hey, it's me with a second review!

So at beginning the story talks about the Burrow, and Hermione collecting her things. I personally like the idea that the 'trio' might choose to do different things after all is said and done with Hogwarts... I think as we become adults, those are the choices we make, but we find true friends in those who stick with us, no matter what kind of separation we find between us (jobs, distances, families, hard times, etc.) I really adore the three friends, but I think they've always each been their own person, too. I could read a good story about any one of them. (o:

I was thinking, as I read in the beginning of this chapter, that some things which might help readers latch onto what might be Hermione's growing feelings for Snape would be more flashbacks - minor ones, passing mentions, or brief pauses in thoughts... Maybe about how Hermione had seen things as a preteen, compared to how things look now as an adult, knowing what she knows. Maybe little things she had noticed about Snape, and now she sees everything differently. I don't know, just things that connect us to the past. I think for more readers, that would make them more open to feeling a 'canon' Sevmione feel, rather than thinking it has to be straight AU, and it might help more readers keep an open mind. For me, I don't think Snape/Hermione has to be AU to work. But for me, that's the fun of FanFiction. Figuring out how to make something which would seemingly not fit, actually fit into the world. (o: I think people have so many different layers and needs, emotional needs, connections... I can see Hermione valuing these various aspects about Snape, especially when it seems that no one ever took notice. And maybe from those feelings of value, respect, admiration would stem stronger feelings... (o:

I think it was a nice moment you had, with Hermione looking at the photo of a young Snape. I also find myself wondering more about his childhood, after all that was revealed in the 7th book. I wonder what his life was like both before and after Lily... and if it was all worth it, after having seen all that he went through later in life...

I wonder, since you mentioned it, was there any reason for house elves not coming to those rooms?

Oh, and I really liked the reflection Hermione was experiencing in bathroom and she looked over the salves, and various healing solutions, thinking of all that he went through to get them to their point of victory. It was a very strong, deep, moving scene for me, and made me connect more with this Hermione.

And I also liked the the spells protecting Snape's books. It seems very, very realistic that he would have his own resources which he would keep closely guarded - even, yes, dangerous books... And I like how you drop in little hints about Hermione being 'up to something', so we readers keep wondering where it's going. And also, of course I liked Hermione at dinner with the professors. Interesting what McGonagall said about not allowing students with immovable prejudices... I do wonder if we'll be seeing any of that later...? Just curious. Well done on this chapter too!

Author's Response: As far as the house elves... I did'nt want to go off 'out of the way' with elves running into Hermione, who they don't like lol. I love the fact that only Snarky was allowed. Its not every creature... or every person who can deal with Snape and his moods on a regular basis lol.

I do have a few plans for the students who have immovable prejudices... lol. Enough said on that.

Thank you so much for your reviews... and I will request more! I'm glad you have enjoyed it!


 Report Review

Review #8, by taylorj828The Antidote: Death of a War Hero

11th August 2011:
Hi there! It's taylorj828 with your requested review! You've got a very good first chapter, intriguing and sets a nice mood and tone, also very honoring and respectful to those lost in the last battle... It flows nicely from where we finished in the books. (o:

I liked the first scene a lot. And of all the characters we know, especially the students, I could see Hermione feeling this way about Snape, feeling empathy, sadness coming on as she realizes how much Snape sacrificed, and how he never found happiness. I think she alone of all the students and even most of the adults, would actually stop and take notice. Hermione has always had a way of seeing things a little more deeply, or stepping back (or forward), and realizing things that pass others by. Anyway, very realistic!

Again, I really like the first scene, well done, interesting, and it makes the reader curious about what Hermione's thinking of doing, about why she used the phial to collect Snape's blood and the snake's venom... Curious...

Also, it was a nice touch, using Dumbledore's full name as the password to the office. (o:

Severus was the last person in this room

Just an observation, but do you think she would really think of him as 'Severus'? Or at the very most, maybe Severus Snape? I'm just curious, because we've only ever heard the students refer to him as Professor or Snape. It's a quick jump that Hermione here, in her mind, names him Severus, whereas she doesn't name McGonagall as Minerva...

Hehe, the "hem" sound reminds me of Umbridge! *shudder shudder* But otherwise, you've done a very good job on Dumbledore's voice, captured him pretty well in my opinion.

Hm, Hermione was tentatively signed up for a masters in potions? Curious, are you going to re-visit why she did this? It would have been at the end of 6th year when that was decided, right? Harry was genius in potions 6th year, because of Snape's old potions book. Hermione would have been very frustrated... I just wonder if there's going to be more reason or if this is going to come up again later as something significant?

Well, very nice first chapter! You've got me curious. I don't know if I've ever read a Hermione/Severus, perhaps only 1. I'm actually dead curious to see what you do, but... I kinda wish Snape was alive. Hehe. (And silly me, my fingers are crossed that Hemione is going to cook up just such a potion to bring him back!!!) I think I can manage reviews for a few more chapters but I don't know if I'll be able to get to all the chapters just now.

Author's Response: I might actually change that part where she refers to him as severus... Hmm.

Thank you so much for your first very helpful review ;) *HUGS*


 Report Review

Review #9, by taylorj828To Love A Marauder: How Easy To Fall

10th August 2011:
Hiya, me again for a second chapter. This is probably all I'm going to do for now, mainly because I'm not a big Marauders' fan, so I'm not sure how helpful I can be in reviewing. For the most part, I think you've captured the Marauder's personalities and characters quite well. And you've got the same school-vibe and Hogwarts details that we generally find in the books, so that's cool.

Again, I think you have a nice introduction to the chapter, here you used a subtle way of showing us that Vienna's on the Quidditch team. Good work with that. (o:

Ahem, said a voice from behind them.
I said James, if you have us out at four I will chuck my bat at you. She said again without looking up.


Great! I liked this! It serves as a great characterization piece about Vienna too! Not only is it a funny scene, but it shows that she's not so easily swayed or reigned in by James, whereas I'd guess very many students are. And I love that it was Mcgonagall instead of James!

Hm, in the classroom, there's a blond girl and they can't remember who she is. Is she a Gryffindor? Because they've now spent 7 years living, studying, eating, and sleeping with all the same students in their House, so... maybe they momentarily forgot her surname, but in general, I think it would be REALLY difficult to forget who a fellow Gryffindor was. Now, if it was a Slytherin, I also think they'd recognize her, after 7 years in Hogwarts together, but I could buy it more easily that maybe her name has temporarily escaped them. Or she's just so quiet that she was easily forgotten, etc.

Hm, Vienna gave a great Amortentia definition to Slughorn... So she's also very clever and doesn't even need to pay attention much in class? Again, this is getting you closer to Mary-Sue land. Vienna's smart and does great schoolwork, she's cool like the Marauders, she can duel 6 Slytherins on her own, she's on the Quidditich team and Voldemort killed her parents. Hm. Does she have any features which don't seem perfect (or perfectly tragic)...? Remember that real people have flaws. Strengths and weaknesses. And rarely do we love 100% every aspect of a person. But in friendship, we choose to love the person despite those less endearing aspects.

Ill escort you. Young ladies such as yourself shouldnt be wandering the dark castle by themselves, wandless and vulnerable. She turned around, were he saw two stupendous black eyes blooming, and raised her eyebrows.

Well, I see that you're trying to show Sirius being a bit flirty or...out-of-character compassionate because of his attraction to her. But I think you have to be careful about these out-of-character moments. Sometimes people do something very out of character when they have feelings for someone else, but in writing, we also risk the chance of readers feeling that the character was just poorly written. I think it would be enough just to show Sirius saying he would escort Vienna, and then Vienna mentally noting in her head how Sirius normally ran off with his friends and she'd never known him to stay behind and help someone... Or not in a million years did she think one of them would do something as silly as insisting to escort her, etc. That can show how odd it is that Sirius wants to escort her, because he's concerned, he cares... But the line about 'a young lady being wandless and vulnerable' just seems a bit like over-kill after seeing her in the previous chapter fight 6 Slytherins alone. If you WANT it to seem like over-kill - like Sirius is just REALLY bad at flirting, and being cool, aloof, and hiding his feelings... And if you want it to look like it should be obvious to Vienna about Sirius's feelings, then I think your line would work specifically for that.

Well, another interesting chapter, and I do find myself wondering what else is going to happen to your characters. I'll keep your story in a list of ones to come back to. If you find my reviews helpful at all, and if you'd still like ideas for your later chapters, maybe I can come back when things are slow and read a bit more. Again, these are just my own ideas and suggestions. If they are helpful, great! If they are not - then throw them out and forget about them. It's your story, world, and characters! Have fun with them!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing:)

 Report Review

Review #10, by taylorj828To Love A Marauder: Mistaken

10th August 2011:
Hi there, this is taylorj828 with your requested review.

First of all, you have a pretty good opening. I like the first two lines of dialogue about Vienna not being Lily Evans. It brings the reader into the right setting, calling to mind certain characters and opening us up to your original character.

As far as introducing us to your original character, I want to say that you've done a good job of having the other characters tell us about Vienna... Some of her adventures, escapades, characteristics or qualities. This is a good way to use characters we already know/trust/like to give us a view of the new, unknown one. However, some of it does come across as slightly Mary-Sueish, in that Vienna seems perfectly right or flawless, like she's a perfect fifth Marauder, and this can make some readers a bit wary. Obviously, if she was friends with the Marauders, she'd have to have some characteristics that would endear her to them, but I think it's also important that we see her as an individual, and not as just a copy of those guys.

Hm, so she was dueling Snape and had already fought and rendered 5 Slytherins unconscious ... This looks cool, but also makes her look amazingly powerful. A real hot-shot. This is fine if that's what you want to show, but it can make it a bit less believable for some readers. I want to cheer for her. But if she seems invincible, then there may not be much to cheer for; it's a done deal. This kind of character does seem to fit in with the Marauders (though slightly unbelievable), however, I actually don't like the marauders, so I'm not sure if it's a good thing for me to feel that she fits in perfectly. :oP

Well, regardless, I do think it could help you in endearing your Original Character more to your readers if you could offer more background connections for her. I don't mean just cool stories of her daring risks or amazing spellwork. But from JKR's books we already know about the Marauders, who they are, some things they did. We knew about people who went to school with them, even. We've never heard of them having a good friend, Vienna. I would find it interesting to hear a bit of reminiscing or brief mentions in conversation about how they first met Vienna, or some unlucky incident in Hogwarts, or some argument she'd had with Lily, or how she'd had detention with James or... You did do this a bit, here, but most of it was super-cool things she had done, and normally as teenagers, we also do super-stupid or embarrassing things. (o: I dunno, maybe these things will be in your other chapters, but they do help flesh our the character a bit more, so we have a more concrete idea of how she's connected to these boys. Especially since we've always just thought of the 4 boys. It seems like she's going to be a good friend of theirs in this story - but how did it all happen? OR, is she really just an acquaintance they've only ever seen around the common room here and there, in their classes in the back row or something...?

I wonder about the usage of names too, and is it intentional? Sometimes they call each other by first names, sometimes last names. Maybe I've just missed it, if there's a pattern that shows certain characters using names a certain way, depending on their closeness...?

But why would they kill her parents? I understand that they were well-known and successful Aurors, but is there anything more to the story? Or they were just picked at random? These minute details help readers really latch onto a more concrete world you're creating. But maybe there is more about this later in the story? Also, this does sound a lot like Harry - parents killed, shipped off to Muggle aunt... Just be cautious. (And I should have warned you that I'm neither of fan of the Marauders, nor am I very forgiving of Original Characters. But everything I suggest here are just ideas to help improve your writing - whether here, or in your next story... And always remember, each reviewer is just 1 person, so take whatever is helpful to you, and throw up the rest. It's your story, and it should be fun for you. (o: )

Well, it's a nice start and it's interesting, wondering what's going to happen with Vienna and the Marauders. Also it's fun seeing how the various guys interact with her, and I'm sure at least one of them is in love, or falling in love with her. (o; I think I can do another chapter at least, so you should get another review from me!

Author's Response: Thanks so much:)

 Report Review

Review #11, by taylorj828Hear Them Roar: Hear Them Roar

3rd August 2011:
Hi there! This is taylorj828 with your requested review. (o: Wow, your story is very unique and different. I've never once read anything from the Sorting Hat's POV! You've done something very clever and put it together well. You used a different POV to tell us about all the new Weasleys and Potters taking over Hogwarts. Funny, sarcastic, and amusing. I think I could read a whole Novella from you in this style. Nice!

Hahaha, I laughed out loud at the Sorting Hat thinking that McGonagall hated the Weaslesys with a passion? I dunno why, really, just that thinking of the stern, all-business McGonagall from the books, and Harry's time, and imagining her surrounded by all their children now, and the hat thinking she hated them.. Just funny, I guess, and it really made me laugh!

Hear them roar, he thought before shouting loudly and cheerily, 'Ravenclaw.'

The entire Great Hall went silent, Louis' hand frozen mid-air above the table he was just about to bang on, James' mouth wide open, cheering soundlessly.

The Sorting Hat smirked smugly as the Headmistress lifted him off Fred's head. He had the feeling this might be the year he would get his bath.

Hear them roar.


I LOVE your ending! I love that Fred was put in Ravenclaw, and I love that the Hat wanted to see all the Weasley Gryffies 'eat it' so to speak! I love the imagery of Louis and James' reactions, and the final thought about the Sorting Hat finally getting a bath, just because he put Fred Weasley in Ravenclaw. Haha!

Very clever and amusing! I really enjoyed your story!

Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review. I never thought I would write anything from the Hat's POV, but this is what challenges make you do. Worked out pretty good for me, this time.

I'm glad you liked the ending. I had the most fun writing that. I could just see the Hat's smug smile - for as far as the Hat has a mouth - and it just made me laugh out loud while writing it.

Again, thank you for the review!


 Report Review

Review #12, by taylorj828Nothing Gold Can Stay: Someone Like You

3rd August 2011:
Hi, this is taylorj828 with your requested review. (o:

Well, first off, you have a nice opening, and I like how you painted a good mental picture of the two of them and their homework.

'Sev-' she started, but trailed off as she watched him watch her hair, the fascinated look on his face made her blush and turn her eyes downward from his, watching her fingers twist in her lap. It was for a few seconds before he dropped the strand and went back to his essay.

I like this moment, how it kind of stops them both for a second before they move on. It's full of that kind of uncertain, anxious tension that makes a good romance story... (o:

Hm, Snape's parents... you've got me curious. We've never once heard anything about Snape's upbringing or parents in the books, have we? I suddenly find myself wanting to know more!

I like the imagery at the end of the vials of memories containing Lily. And how Snape turns his back on them... Sad, especially knowing what we know of him from the books. *sigh*

You were specifically concerned about characterization and believability, but I think you have no reason to worry. It's a very believable story so far, and as long as you fit all your episodes into canon, I think it looks fine. And the characterization seems good to me, from what we know of young Lily and Snape from the books. They sound just right to me. (o: So, good luck with you story! You've got a nice beginning here!

Author's Response: Awww, thank you so very much! I am very glad that characterization is not the problem! (it always concerns me!) and thank you for taking the time to review this!

 Report Review

Review #13, by taylorj828Blood and Roses: Rosy Regrets

2nd August 2011:
Okay, this is the final review, since it turned out to be the final chapter. (o:

Wow, so she was kidnapped...

Oh wow, she killed the other girls Dominique had been with. Interesting. I never saw that coming.

Hm, the Killing curse from Bill, Oliver, and Scorpius? I think that's still illegal. Okay, they're avenging their children, sure, but...

And Bill was killed by the Killing curse, not Gabriella. See, kids? This is why you don't use the AK. Use anything but the AK!!!

Well, I'm glad that they can avoid telling Harry and it'll work out, but it still sits uneasy with me, that they all used the Killing curse. And Harry being confunded - well, it does happen sometimes; he shouldn't beat himself up too much. No one is perfect, after all.

The flashback to Hogwarts - EXCELLENT! I could have read chapters and chapters of that! But mostly what I want to say is - HOT kiss! Really well written!

I like how the next day in the library, they both use surnames as if nothing has happened. Perfectly in character, but I just love scenes like that. (o:

Aw, I always felt like those words were like a kind of curse! "Don't get to friendly with him..." *sigh*

And I like Scorpius talking about crying. How he used to always cry, and now when it really matters, he just can't. He's very open and honest here, too. I like that. I like how he's attracted to Rose's unladylike ways. And how it seems like he can really be his real self in front of her.

Aw, Ophelie in the foto saying goodbye... Very nice ending with Rose and Scorpius. And the photo. So sad...

Well, I have to confess that I thought the story as going to be much longer, and I hadn't realized it was completed with just 4 chapters. I think the story had potential to be long, but you handled it well for a short one. I do think the first half of the chapter might have felt a bit rushed, because suddenly it was all ending. But I'm not sure what can be done about that, really. I love the flashback especially, and how it fits so many pieces together and answers lots of questions. I just selfishly wish there could have been 10 more chapters in this world. I want to know what happens next with Rose and Scorpius. I want them to have a chance together. (o:

Well done with the murder mystery. And I am familiar with The Mentalist, and quite like that show. Though I've only seen the first season or two, I think. I'd be interested in reading more about Rose and Scorpius from this world, if you happen to write any more about them. If you do, please do drop me a note and I'll read and review, for sure. (o: Thanks for writing and sharing this gem with us!

Author's Response: You never saw it coming? Mission accomplished! I actually was worried it would be too obvious, but clearly not :)

It might be illegal, but they were avenging their kids’ deaths, after all. They have justification. But yes, attempted murder also has repercussions.

And you thought the flashback at Hogwarts was excellent? Wow wow. Thanks so much. Meh, the kiss was meant to be... well, I don't mind that if it was hot :P

Yes, Scorpius cried a lot as a child when it didn’t matter, but then when it did... That parallel was wholly unintentional, I swear. I hope the ending was okay :)

I couldn’t make the story too long. It was written for a challenge on MNFF, so I had a deadline, and I had exams too, so I couldn’t spend too long on it. I *might* write a sequel, but much, much later on in the year. Right now, it’s Ramadan and I'm fasting; I don't have much energy, to be honest, what with charity work and stuff. If I do write a sequel, I promise I'll drop you a note on the forums. In the meantime, if you like my style, you might want to read my longer chaptered fic, Checkmate. It’s James/Lily and therefore Marauder Era, but (I hope) it’s decent.

Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews, and I hope you review me again once I post my Dominique/Gabriella. I will let you know. Thank you!

~Soraya~


 Report Review

Review #14, by taylorj828Blood and Roses: Healers' Handwriting

2nd August 2011:
Another review from me!

I really love your opening lines again! You've got a great way of opening a chapter. (o: And you really make us begin to feel for Scorpius, even as we're still discovering who he is. I like that.

Hm, copycat, not a bad theory, and they have to consider it at least... But very nice details about the MOs, and also the small differences in the cases/crimes... You've REALLY got great detail put into this story!

I love getting all the background info as they go over Rose's files and etc. It's a really clever way for you to fill us in!! I feel a little better having more background information about the family and things that have happened since we last saw them in the books, standing at platform 9 and 3/4. (o:

Poker straight, eh? Even if.? Don't think I missed that! Even if WHAT, Scorpius??? (o;

Ah, she was 3 years old. Thanks, I was waiting on that answer. So Ophelie was 3, but Scorpius had only had the last 9 months with her. Gosh there is so much more I want to know!

Oh, I love Hermione going to hug Harry. I've always adored their friendship. It's so perfectly fitting for her to immediately hug him in that moment.

Poor Bill. His wife, and now his daughter, son in law and grandchild... Poor Bill... I can understand him being so upset... But still... Harry's got a job to do...

Oh, and Harry calls Ron and Hermione into the office with him. I love even the mere idea of Harry, Ron, and Hermione together again. (o:

Wow, Ron's reaction. wow... And now my heart plummets, wondering if you mean for this to tear the three apart. )o: I could see it happening, and yet I selfishly hope it doesn't.

I love Harry in this. He can trust her, but the Ministry can't. It's very Harry. He was always so big on trust. But he works for the Ministry, and we all seem to know how far the Ministry can be from trust. And anyway, you can't really govern a society like that... A tough lot for Rose... This is really going to put this family to the test.

Wouldn't it be easier for Rose to do the veritaserum without her mum and dad right there? Oh, dear...

Aaaah, interesting how the plot thickens. Changing the baby's name, but it wasn't even Matt's. And three years of cheating with a girl... oh my... I feel like my head is so crammed full of information, I just can't process it all!

Wow, so many of the people they went to school with have died. Sad. )o: Well, maybe not SO many, but still.. Fleur and Zabini... It's kind of sad to think about...

Indeed, why would anyone want to kill a little girl? That's so very sad. Something makes me think it's connected to the girl's parent. But the question is, to which parent? Which parent is the reason someone wanted to kill the child? Matt, Dominique, or Scorpius...?

HA, I love that Malfoy tried to look surprised, but Harry caught it anyway. Not too old yet, Harry, my boy!

She's an EX??? SCORPIUS MALFOY! Exactly how many girls have you been with? ALL of them???

Nice catch Sorpius, about Blaise's lactose death. And Gabriella's mum's death. Connected, I'm sure. But how? I' definitely at a loss!

HA! My first instinct was that something was fishy about that Healer, and it's got Scorpius thinking so too! So... does that mean I'm able to track with Scorpius now? hehe. (o;

I'm sorry if this review is a bit more reactive and shorter, but your story is quite good and it definitely makes a reader react and respond, and think, and try to figure out what's going on. And those are some of the things I really enjoy most in a good story. Well done! Off to the next chapter!

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked my opening lines again. And you think I have great detail in this story? Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. :)

And obviously I made up all that background information, LOL. Haha, Scorpius is infuriating at the best of times. Hermione hugging Harry is a natural reaction to what happened. So it’s good you noticed that. Yes, poor Bill indeed! I think I was a bit merciless to him, to be honest — I killed off his wife and his daughter and son-in-law and his granddaughter... I was horrible, yes.

I haven’t decided how Ron, Hermione and Harry react to it, not really. But I don't think it’d tear them apart, not really. And I'm really glad you thought I got Harry right.

LOL... Scorpius wasn’t with that many girls, trust me. Just Rose, Dominique, Gabriella... okay, a few. And yes, Scorpius is an intelligent man, even at the worst of times.

Don’t worry about the review being shorter — I really appreciate it! Thank you so, so much. *runs to the next chapter*

~Soraya~


 Report Review

Review #15, by taylorj828Blood and Roses: Let's Get This Straight

1st August 2011:
Wow. Again. I'm favoriting your story after this chapter - and my list of favorites is a rather short one. (o: I think I should be thanking you, for asking me to review. It's the best fanfic I've read in ages!

So, starting from the beginning of the chapter...

It occurs to me to wonder how old the daughter is...? Scorpius said 9 months of knowing her, right? But I don't think I've seen any other indication of age, just that she was 'tiny.'

I love how Scorpius points out to Harry about the conflict of Interest. And a large part of me hopes that Scorpius can talk to Harry so candidly because they have some kind of understanding (or close?) relationship, where Scorpius is like another son, and not a Malfoy brat as his employee. Otherwise that would color Scorpius differently for me. But I like thinking of a world where Harry and Scorpius are close and friendly. Familial. (o:

Neville's an Auror! I love you!!! (But wait, was it Neville??)

A missing ring, hmmm. I see a clue here.. but what does it lead to?

Even in the shower she wears her ring? Color me curious as the details of Scorpius and Dominique's relationship seep out. I do wonder about Harry's opinion on their past relationship was/is though...

Frank Longbottom II? So was the first mention of Longbottom Neville or Frank? Do father and son work together, or does Neville have a different job somewhere else?

By the way, it occurs to me here that the name Ophelie seems to fit perfectly in the Malfoy line of names. Nice touch.

Hmm does the idea of Lesbianism go out the window now, as the connecting factor between victims? And didn't the attacker go after 7 women? So why a family of 3 now? (Let me say here, that I'm not asking these questions so you will answer them. These are just the questions coming to my mind as I read, and I think in a mystery, it's necessary to raise questions to the reader. So I want you to be able to see what questions are arising, so you can see if you're leading the reader in the right directions, where you want them to go. If there are things you can or want to answer, like about Ophelie's age, that's great. But if there are things related to the plot, I don't expect answers, cos I know they should come eventually.)

They'll tell Rose in the morning??? But where is Rose now?!! Why delay, if it's about her cousin?

I do love lots of the little bits you put in here and there, like about Ron dreading a visit to his parent's house, about his voice never so scared in 30 years, since Malfoy manor, etc. Very nice touches, and I do notice them. (o:

Rose's wand!! AH WHAT? And how does Scorpius recognize it? I really want to know how these characters all fit together now!! There are so many of them and I'm trying to keep them all straight in my mind, and yet I just want to know why Scorpius knows all these people so well! Tell me! haa! How are they connected?!!! Heh. (Yes, I just spazzed out a little!)

And how many other Rose Weasleys do I know, anyway? Scorpius wanted to say.

Love this, love that he thought it, and love that he didn't say it. Humor in the midst of darkness! Good to lighten up heavy stuff in a story...

"Be nice, OK? Since she's my niece and all." Potter almost sounded like he was pleading, and it surprised both Adam and Scorpius when he barked sharply, "And if either of you f* around with her, especially if she's fully cooperating, you'll be on prison duty for the rest of the year. Understand?"

I love all of this! It shows Harry's softer and harder sides, it's lovely. (And in case you can't tell, I adore Harry, so I will always be catching little things about him. Hopefully it won't get annoying, hehe.)

Wow, I'm in awe at the depth your writing has, in portraying all these character. Harry's sticking up for Scorpius having just lost his child and taking it out on Rose, and relating to his feelings in considering how Harry would feel about losing Lily. And then also understanding about Rose still being young and not having children yet. It's so...intricate and complicated. I adore it all!

Dominique got an award eh? I wonder what for... I think this could be another clue..? And also Rose not knowing that Ophelie was Malfoy's child... clues, maybe?

Oh dear. Dominique cheating. And Matt found out. Yikes. This might lead someone to think that Matt had been involved, angry and bitter, attacking his wife? But I wonder if it's all a red-herring?

And who was the lover? Ah was it a girl? Is it the lesbian thing again? (o:

Good at drawing hm? Maybe Rose was framed. Why WOULD she kill her own cousins? Ah, was Rose Dominique's lover??

Oh Lord, this is SO complicated! Matt Wood is an ex of Rose's? Holy cow, I think my head might explode!!

Also, random, but I really like the swear word of "Godric." Hehe, nice!

Ha, I like Harry's temper getting the best of him. (o:

And now I am ridiculously eager to learn more about these people and this world you've got going! And will Rose eventually take the Vertiaserum? Will we find out the truth? (o: Great, amazing story! If you want me to focus more on something besides just general story responses, feel free to drop me a note in the forums and I'll do my best to accommodate.

Author's Response: I should be thanking you, not the other way round! Wow, what a thorough review!

Ophelie is three. Although her age isn't that important. ;)

Scorpius and Harry aren't that close. They are like employer and employee, although they're not enemies either. Harry won't admit that he likes Scorpius and thinks he's a good Auror. :)

The Auror wasn't Neville; he was Neville's son! He's called Frank, after Neville's dad. Neville still works at Hogwarts, remember?

Scorpius and Dominique had a one-night stand, so Scorpius knows little details of Dominique's life that *most* other outsiders wouldn't.

I chose the name Ophelie because Dominique is half-French and Ophelie's a French name. Scorpius didn't find out Ophelie was his daughter until Ophelie was 2 years and 3 months old, so he didn't have any input with names. But it's interesting that you thought it went well with the other Malfoys' names.

I'm glad you liked all those little touches. I hope they weren't too mundane or anything ;) And the humour in the middle of the darkness... well, it wasn't really humour, more sarcasm than anything, but I'm glad it made you laugh.

I don't like Harry very much, to be honest, but I'm glad you noticed Harry's softer and harder sides, LOL. Yes, he would stick up for Scorpius, and Rose wouldn't be arguing if she had a kid herself.

LOL... Rose wasn't Dominique's lover, no. Although that is the most interesting theory I've ever heard! I suppose it is possible, but I'm wondering if HPFF allows cousin!love.

Godric isn't an original swear word -- on MNFF, we use it a lot. Haha. I'm glad you liked it, and I'm very grateful for the substantial write-up of the chapter. Ta and see you on the next chapter!

~Soraya~


 Report Review

Review #16, by taylorj828Blood and Roses: Prologue: Blood Related

1st August 2011:
WOW! Sor far, this is one of the best stories I've read on HPFF, and this is just the prologue! Bravo!!

So, yeah, this is taylorj828 from the forums, coming to do some reviews for you. (o: And I totally dig your story already!

First of all, I really like how you set up the story in the opening lines. A short sentence followed by a long one. However just a small note about the second line - it *is* very long and also contains a lot of info. I had to scan it a second time to be sure that I'd understood it. It might be good to review that line to see if there's any clearer way to get all that information out there. But in the end, I did understand after a second scan, so it's not the end of the world, and I do like the juxtaposition of short and long lines. Plus you come in, in the middle of Scorpius' good mood, which gets readers immediately on the page with you. Nice intro!

Also, I have never read a NextGen story (or even read ABOUT a NextGen Story) that started after their Hogwarts years, so I like that you've got something unique, at least for me. Also, I want to add that you've done a good job on your characterization, starting much later in the kids' lives than we often normally see. In a 1000-word Prologue, I already have a decent idea of who Scorpius might be, also how he's connected to the Potters (and Weasleys), and some info about his father and how Scorpius was raised. Well done!

And excellent work at getting the readers interested and pulling us into what feels like the beginning of a detective novel or murder mystery. You've done it very smoothly and flawlessly. (o:

Hm, blood extracted, and then made into a rose. It feels like you're laying down some clues, but that we may not recognize them until much later? Something tells me that I should be thinking of Rose Weasley - but maybe I got that from reading a summary? Or maybe I'm inventing that, but it REALLY doubles my intrigue, if it does indeed connect to Rose Weasley.

Lesbians...! HA, I love it! Great line! Great transition from thoughts/background/narration and then into dialogue and current action. You've got a really nice, polished style, make sit very easy to read, too. (One note of caution, I used to be a Validoter some time ago and I had to consult with current Validators last year about the issues of sexuality/minority slurs in fanfic, because I was unclear on their limitations. Some Validators are stricter than others. I personally don't see any problem in your fic, but I only want to caution you, because I was advised to remove a sexuality slur from one of my stories due to HPFF's rules. Maybe just for future reference.)

I LOVE that Draco has taught Scorpius to respect all kinds of people. Even if Scorpius shouldn't be friends with or date them. Hahaha. It's a good step for the Malfoys. And you really made me smile in that section. (o:

I wonder what kind of connection Scorpius and Dominique have, if he's this concerned, running into the house to see if she's alright...? It's an intriguing way to show, without telling us anything just yet.

HIS dead daughter?! OMG! Haha, you got me! Brilliant! Five stars, really! I can be very picky with fanfic, but this one it really amazing! Your prologue does exactly what it should do. Sets a scene, gets readers attention immediate and demands us to read more. Really well done!

Author's Response: Hiya, sorry for taking so long to respond. And wow, what amazing reviews you've left me! Okay, point by point:

I'm glad you liked the opening line. I know what you mean about the second sentence, but frankly, I'm a lazy slob and I can't be bothered to change it :) I will bear this in mind in future stories, though. Thank you for that.

I've read only one other Next Gen story post-Hogwarts years, and I wholly recommend it -- it's not on HPFF, but it is on MNFF. It's called The Vindication of James Potter and it's amazing, far, far better than mine. It is, however, rather long, so only read it if you have bucketfuls of time. :P

I'm glad you thought they were characterised okay, and you thought it read like a murder mystery? Wow. Thank you so much.

You already know the answers to your queries, so I won't comment on those -- although they are interesting. Oh, and it's good to know that you liked that line :) and that my writing style is polished! Wow again.

To be perfectly honest with you, the validators on here are rather picky. Thankfully, there haven't been any issues re sexuality, and I've made it pretty clear I don't have any problem with lesbianism or anything. But thank you for the warning.

You're one of the many reviewers who have commented on Draco's characterisation even though he's not actually present throughout. Mission accomplished!

Thank you very much for the thorough review. I shall move on to the next one now :)

~Soraya~


 Report Review

Review #17, by taylorj828Titus: Promises

26th July 2011:
Hm intriguing. I'm wondering where this is all going and how these characters got here. Hermione, George and Titus? Ron and Luna? I suppose your story will fill in some details as we move forward, yeah? Interesting idea, though, and I'm curious about what's next. (o:

Author's Response: The story really is about discovering how things came to be and lies unfolding. Soon we will know the truth of everything. Plenty more to come:)

~DahliasQuill


 Report Review

Review #18, by taylorj828Our Son Scorpius: My Son

26th July 2011:
Hi there, very nice beginning! I like the idea of this story - Draco's son being a Squib?? Wow, whoever thought of that happening? I think it could make for a very great story, and you've already got its beginning here. Draco seems pretty in character, with not knowing what to do with the boy and being terribly awkward about it. And you've set up good reasons for him to already begin to doubt his son's magical abilities. Mostly this just makes me want to know what will happen next, and that's a good sign for a first chapter! (o:

Just a few errors, for example typos like: of/off and apon/upon. Otherwise, pretty nice!

Author's Response: Thanks! I've had this story in my head for ages - I just never got round to writing it! Next chapter is awaiting validation, I hope you wont be disappointed :).

 Report Review

Review #19, by taylorj828Portraits of Courage: The Phoenix Rises

26th July 2011:
Very interesting! You capture Dumbledore's voice perfectly! And McGonagall sounds much like herself as well - very nicely done! I can hear Dumbledore saying all these things, and of course, above all, hear him plotting and planning, and secretly sliding the pawns into position. I like that imagery at the end of your story. Because that was the prevailing image I got after reading the seventh book - awe, and shock even, at Dumbledore's ability to play their lives out like pieces on a chessboard.

I also enjoy the notion of young people fighting, and find the choosing of students important and intriguing. The adults, in the HP series, wanted to protect their children from the fighting - but it was the children, after all, whose job it was to win the war. They were the young ones, and their parents had already had their chance years before. Interesting ideas.

I like stories that make me think, and this is a very interesting opening chapters. (o: And very well written!

Author's Response: Thank you! I have a hard time writing Dumbledore but I think this story is the only time where I've come even close to being in character.

 Report Review

Review #20, by taylorj828Forget-me-not: A Wedding

25th July 2011:
Wow this was really great, and I think you executed it perfectly for a challenge limiting the use of dialog. I think it shows that we can tell quite a story without dialogue, and also use dialogue in a sparing way to strike a sudden chord. Very interesting idea, too, about Hermione ending up with another man. I wonder if you have any particular idea who you would have seen her running off after? (o:

The residents of the Burrow had welcomed them both with open arms when they were eleven, and neither had ever really left.
I liked this line a lot. And I generally just loved how you took us through Hermione's eyes, seeing each of the characters, even Neville and Luna. The fairytale Fleur and Bill. Her friendship with Harry. I have to say, I am particularly and obsessively fond of Harry and Hermione's relationship, how much she gave to him, her devotion and loyalty astounds me, and makes me love Hermione so much, on top of all her cleverness and braveness. I really love the three of them - Harry, Hermione, and Ron. But my heart will always hold closer its hold on Harry and Hermione.

Maybe it was Krum, a secret love she'd harbored since her school days? Or maybe another Weasley brother no one had noticed her falling for? Or a training partner she'd worked with in her first year after the battle? (o: It's fun to think about. I, for one, am not a fan of the idea that people very simply and cleanly end up with their high school (Hogwarts) sweetheart. It happens sometimes, but not so often. Anyway, well done, I liked this a lot! And I wanted to thank you for being willing to review my story, by returning the favor. (o: Thanks for your time!

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! I'm considering writing a sequel, so I do have my ideas as to who she ran after ;)

Marrying Hogwarts sweethearts happened fairly often with the main characters in the book. Life just isn't that simple or easy. Sometimes it happens, sometimes two people knew each other at Hogwarts, sometimes they met through work. There are just far too many possibilities, the way I see it.

Thank you so much for the review! I'm still reading through your story, so you'll be hearing more from me :)


 Report Review

Review #21, by taylorj828Luck of the Irish: Chapter the Second

25th July 2011:
Heya, well, I want to say well done for creating your own character. I think you chose a good way to set her up, flashing back to their first meeting before returning us to the scene with Dean. It helps us get a perspective of why this Original Character Kari is important to Seamus, and also... I think you've foreshadowed well about her and Dean, so this is going to be interesting to see where you take us. And poor Seamus.

Also, I just wanted to say, that I don't think your Author Notes were entirely necessary. I mean this in a good way! It was very apparent to me that you had done a flashback in this chapter, and I think you did it quite well. (o: As for the biased description of Kari, I appreciate that you're warning us, I suppose trying to keep readers from thinking she'll just be a perfect Mary-Sue, but I think this would be a good way to challenge yourself. How can you write Seamus in such a way so that readers can see he's biased in his opinion of Kari, so that you as the author don't have to tell us? Maybe he goes on and on about her beauty, whereas we see other side characters who never give the girl a second glance, or a barman who calls her a 'plain-jane' or something so that we understand that the way Seamus sees Kari made not be accurate. JKR did this a lot, where we saw characters often from Harry's view point (think Snape), and only later realised how biased Harry was. Or else, doubting Harry's opinion because people like Dumbledore trusted Snape, so we got conflicting messages.

Anyway, well done!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review (once again!)

I really appreciate your constructive criticism and will try to incorporate it into my future works. It's great to have someone not just saying that my writing is good because I know I'm not perfect and am always looking for ways to improve.


 Report Review

Review #22, by taylorj828Luck of the Irish: Chapter the First

25th July 2011:
Very interesting summary, and I'm really interested in where you're going with this. Seamus is mighty unlucky! Maybe there's such a thing as an unluckiness curse? Or he broke some mirrors or something? LoL. I like how you had so many examples of his bad luck. (o: And of course I really want to know who this girl is now!!

Just a small thing - loose and soaping...
Loose is the opposite of tight.
Lose is the opposite of win.
Soap is what you clean with in the shower, so I guess soaping means putting soap on yourself. Hehe, but if we talk about a wet jacket due to heavy rain, it would be sopping wet.

Anyway, nice!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :P I'm always glad that people are enjoying my works.

Thank you for spotting those errors! I'll fix them as soon as I can. That always seems to be my problem; I just get typing too fast and then I'm usually too tired to look over my work really carefully when I'm finished. Just a flaw I guess... oh well!

Once again, thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate it!


 Report Review

Review #23, by taylorj828Miles to Go: September 1st

25th July 2011:
Hi there! Congrats on taking the brave plunge and writing your first fan fic! It's an interesting idea, and I'd like to know more about your Louis, especially since he's ended up a Hufflepuff, so unlike the rest of his family. I think you've got a good start, but I do want to give you just a couple words of advice as you continue writing.

Introductions and first lines - it's always good to grab your reader with something eye-catching or interesting in the first line or two. Beginning with a pile of books does tell us something about your character, so that's good, but on the next story you write, you can also think about what might really grab a reader, or make them wonder where you're going. The first thing that pops into my head is something like, "Louis Charles Weasley was the first member of the Weasley clan to ever be sorted into Hufflepuff (or you can put a date, like - in the last 40 years or something...)" Or "Louis was quite a shock to his family when he, as the youngest of the entire Weasley clan, turned out to be its only Hufflepuff." Or you could start with the mention/description of Louis listening to his quill reading the essay back to him. That was really interesting to me, because we've seen those kinds of recording quills, but we've never seen them, in canon, reading something back to us, so I liked your technological advancement! Anyway, I'm not suggestion that your change or re-write the beginning, but trying to give some ideas for next time, when you open a new story. (o:

Talking to your reader - using side notes and parentheses, while some authors do this, can often distract your readers from the story you're telling or how you're telling it. It becomes unclear to us whether there's a narrator, or whether we're directly in Louis's mind, hearing about Alice's history from his thoughts, or from yours. Shifting these kinds of narration can be really jarring, unless it's done really well for a special effect. Another way to write that bit about Alice, for example, can be something simple. Instead of, "(Now would probably be a perfect time to mention...)" which makes the reader unsure of whether this is you or Louis talking, you can simply put in something like, "Louis had known Alice since they were 15 years old / had been flatmates for 8 months, and her dad was none other than Neville Longbottom, Professor etc..." OR "Louis had first met Alice in second year when her father, Professor Neville Longbottom had embarrassed her in front of their whole second-year class... etc"

These are just ideas or suggestions, for other ways to do story-telling, but the most important thing is to write, write, write, and always to write what's fun and interesting for you. Good luck, and well done on creating an interesting character that makes a reader want to know what your plans are for him!

 Report Review

Review #24, by taylorj828My Dearest Enemy, My Dangerous Lover: Girl

7th April 2010:
Hi again! At last, I'm here for chapter 4! I'm sorry this review will be a bit shorter. I'm still enjoying the story, but I find myself forgetting to take notes as I read. (o: And while the dream was interesting and teasing, I'm also anxious to see what happens next time they meet in real life. (o;

Draco's thoughts at the beginning of the chapter are funny. You have an interesting way of humorously writing these characters, and what's going on with them. And I really like it!

Harry musing on himself sitting cross-legged is just funny. One of those random peculiar things that stick out, like a signature to the way a particular writer writes. I liked it. (o:

And a very interesting fantasy Draco has here, about Harry being a girl, or dressing like a girl for him. Since we the audience know that this is Draco's doing, it is very telling about himself to put this into Harry's dream. Still, I love how they are winding each other up, and I'm ready to read more as soon as it's posted!

Thanks again for taking the challenge, and I'm so glad it gave me an opportunity to read this story!

 Report Review

Review #25, by taylorj828My Dearest Enemy, My Dangerous Lover: Seduction

7th April 2010:
Okay, chapter 3!

Really funny opening lines, and I like Harry's train of thought, though I think it would have been awesome to see him simply walk up and snog Draco. Still, this plan sounds like it's going places. Hehe. (And just so you know, I take notes as I read, which is why some of my comments may not make sense by the end of the chapter... Just keep in mind!)

Seduce Thy Enemy - hahaha! (o:

Oh yes. Draco Malfoy was going to have the pants quite literally seduced right off of him.

Hahahaha! LOVE IT! You have some really awesome lines in this story!

Though it's not all that surprising for Draco to sleep with someone else regardless of his plans for Harry, still, it bothers me a bit, like it bothers him. But in that case, I'm glad it does bother him, at least.

Hahaha I love Harry seducing Draco in the library. It's about time Draco gets a taste of his own medicine!

Harry stripped his shirt off in the library? Eeeek! I love what this is doing to Draco!

It's really hilarious that they are both trying to seduce each other, and plan to go skinny dipping in the lake. It's just too much! Hahaha!

Hmm Snape. I'm confused about the time line of this story, but I'll let it be. :oP

Hot snogging scene. I'm just saying. (o;

Ahhh so close, and then, snatched away! But a fight is always a good way to leave the boys still anxious for more, and yet thoroughly confused. I'm a fan of prolonged tension, anyway. (o: Looking forward to reading what comes next! I'm glad to be reading this story. (o:

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>