I absolutely loved this story. I loved the relationship, the dialogue, the carefulness - everything about it. Thank you so much for writing & I hope you have a wonderful day ^_^Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing, it really means a lot. And I hope you have a wonderful day too ! Report Review
Hi! I love the song so I had to read your story ^_^ I just wanted to let you know that I loved it! It was very well written and I felt as if I could connect to each of the characters. ^_^ And it was so sad! Brilliantly tragic. Thanks for taking the time to write & post! xoxoAuthor's Response: I'm really glad you liked it! And thanks for taking the time to review! =) Report Review
Jill! Jill! Jill! *pokes more rapidly*
You updated! I'm cheering for Ghana as I write this review! Hope you're watching? You are the epitome of knowledge for all things World Cup. I feel like I need a Jill radar to know what's going on in the competition. But all of that aside, what can I say about this awesome chapter? Oh, a lot? Should I start then? ^_^
I love Tia. Her wit & rhetoric are refreshing to read! Even when she is not speaking, her brain is going at a million miles an hour! I think that might get her into trouble later! ^_^ I think her dynamic with her friends is really interesting; it reflects the honesty we have with our friends in relationships. Sometimes, we want to shoot them. Sometimes, we want to hug them. But they are always firmly there in our minds, and considering their reactions can both amuse, infuriate, and entertain us! I think, too often if fanfiction, friends are always supportive of the main character; that, or they are like - so totally mean! ^_^ Friendship is much more complicated than that, and it really comes through in your writing.
Why are boys so stupid? If evolution is the "great, unifying theme of biology", then that is definitely the "great, unifying theme" of life in general. In my humble opinion ^_^. They can be so amazing, and then, a moment later - beyond infuriating! As a girl nerd who has been paired with too many boys for projects, I understand Tia's angst. They are never as terrible as you think they are. They'll be awful in class, and then out of class, they're magically much better (no pun intended). Which leaves you being like - "What is your problem in class!" - to which, they shrug. *sigh*
I love the storytelling voice in which you write. I suppose it's not so much a voice as a style - you avoid author voice, but everything just flows together like a "once upon a time" tale. I fear I'm not making any sense, but what I'm trying to say is that you're amazing!
And kudos to Tia for not telling Wood what she smells. Sheesh, that's an intensely personal question!
Favorite quotes time!
I'll never figure out these infernal boys' minds.
But clearly my pointed actions have as much effect as my prayers do. A.K.A. none.
"Still a half-blood, sir."
^_^ Thank you for writing this lovely story! I cannot wait to see how the Tia/Oliver dynamic evolves. You are so good at comedy, authentic comedy, not in the *nudge nudge* cheap way. I'll miss you over the next month (I hate that we've been missing each other!) Have a wonderful summer, and I hope to talk to you soon! *hugs* xoxoAuthor's Response: SARAHH! I can't say I cheered for Ghana... though Spain has made it to the finals!! I'm so pumped!!! I really hope you get a chance to watch it while in England :D
It's so funny how you point out the exact thing that I'm aiming for with a character. Like seriously, I think we have a mental connection or something, it's epic! I always try to portray the reality of a situation through my own experiences or those that are retold to me by others.
You know, it's so much easier for me to be the character... to completely embody them as I write. Not only does it make it more interesting (in my opinion), but I'm pleased that you also think it sounds better :D However, it also makes it much more difficult to write - thus why I hardly ever update. And you always make sense to me :D
RIGHT?! It's definitely going to come up later on. I really need to get to work on this! I'm so excited to get to the later chapters, but it's so hard /whine.
Thanks for reviewing!! I love that you love this story :D I am missing you! But I'm totally stalking to you via blog :P (in the living vicariously through you way, because I totally wish I was in England!) and I hope you're having a super spectacular time and I can't wait to hear all your stories when you get back!! Report Review
Hello wonderful, lovely person! ^_^
Oliver & Katie. Or at least, I'm thinking Oliver & Katie because Katie seems to be the best-friend-who-stands-by-you-while-you-drag-her-heart-through-the-mud type of girl! I don't think Wood has feelings for her (not yet, at least), but it wouldn't surprise me if Katie had a bit of a soft spot for Wood. If I'm terribly wrong in this bit of speculation, then feel free to throw things at me because I'm not very good at predicting relationships in novels ^_^
I liked how you described Wood's dynamic with Hermione. I suppose that isn't a good way to put it - I liked how you described his eventual discovery of his feelings for her. And as someone who's never been enamored with Ron/Hermione, I find Wood's indignation rather legitimate. Ron can be sulky, moody, and overly aggressive! I'm so proud of you for writing that as a Ron/Hermione shipper! ^_^ It shows that you can write something if you have to write it, that you are able to really get inside the heads of your characters.
The Wood name jokes are the freaking best ^_^. I still cannot get over how funny they are! And you just think them up!?! You are so fantastic with humor! I cannot tell you how jealous I am! *offers up plate of adoration cookies*
I write reviews as I go through the chapter, by the way, if you're wondering why I'm going back to this. ^_^ But heavens! Wood loves Katie enough as a friend to contemplate sacrificing his feelings for Hermione? Sarah, that is so powerful! I cannot wait to see what you do with these relationships! Because even while you are so gifted with humor, you are able to see deep down into the core of things; I feel like I'm being spoiled by being able to read this!
"No, that would be me." Amen, Ginny! ^_^ I think one of the things that really frustrates Hermione is how Ron takes an overly casual tone in their conversations - she sees it as dismissive. He never takes the time to address her as he would address another girl. He chews with his mouth open and tells her that she takes everything too seriously! I can completely understand her vexation.
Ron's embarrassment over his lack of experience is also very well-written in this chapter. It's very true to what we see in the books; he's always angry at Ginny over her level of intimacy with boys, partly because of his own lack of knowledge. I thought Hermione's explanation of what happened with Krum was fantastic as well. That is a terrible thing, for something to be over without any hope the instant it begins. From what we know of Krum, that is something he would do. Well, let's be honest - boys seem to do that all the time without thinking of the wreck they leave you in.
Now, for the critical stuff. Wow, that sounds oddly formal! And it's not critical of what you've written, really. These are just a couple of things I'd be careful about while writing. ^_^ These may sound random, but bear with me!
Make sure you have classes and other Hogwarts activities. It's easy to get lured into writing a story purely about relationships (and I understand that the past two chapters have only been during the course of an evening, and so they are not entirely representative of what you will be writing as a whole ^_^) I just wanted to throw that out there. By spacing emotionally charged events out with class, and by furthering the main plotline, each tidbit of romance has a larger impact. It also makes it less melodramatic. That's just my perspective, anyway!
Some bits of description could be taken further as well. This is if I'm being REALLY nitpicky, by the way! Your description is solid ^_^ But I feel like rather than implicitly stating some things, it would give the writing another dimension if you described them and left the reader to interpret.
Example of where you implicitly state: "His shoulders were slumped over and he was frowning, lost in thought." The motion you gave me in the opening line makes the "lost in thought" a bit superfluous. He's sulkily stabbing his food - I would assume he's lost in thought.
Example of when you leave it to the reader: "He then dashed out of the Great Hall, speed-walking with his head down." In this, you don't say "He walked out of the Great Hall, feeling ashamed and defensive". You leave it to me to relate my body language understanding to the character, which gives me more of a connection to him.
*hopes that makes sense*
I hope that was somewhat constructive? I feel terrible criticizing something I enjoy reading so much! ^_^ It really was a treat to delve into! I just wanted to try and give you something to go on as well!
Thank you so much for writing this! I don't read much comedy and I'm truly enjoying! And thank you for being your generous, kind-hearted self! By the way, your titles are brilliant! xoxoAuthor's Response: SAAARRRAAAH!! *Rushes in, attacks with hugs, pelts with delicious blue cookies, hugs again* XD Eeeep, thank you so much for the absolutely wonderful, thought-out, in depth review. ♥
I love what you said about Katie and Oliver's friendship. Not to give anything away, but in chapters to come, you'll really get to see just how good of a friend Katie is. :) I'm thrilled you've noticed already.
As for if there will be any Katie/Oliver romanticness going on? Hmm, well methinks you just have to read to find out! :P (Though I will say that, if they do develop mutual romantic feelings for each other, it won't be rushed.)
"The Wood name jokes are the freaking best..."
^ I cannot express how joyful I feel that you think I'm fantastic with humor! XD XD That's one of the nicest things you could say to me for this story; it's the first time I actually tried to incorporate humor into a plotline, so, needless to say, it was one of the things I was most nervous about. I'm used to writing romantic storylines and interweaving "suspenseful drama" *cue eye rolling at my word choice*, but I've never actually set out to have comedy play such a central aspect in a story. The fact that you think I succeed so much that you want to offer me adoration cookies? Well, I shall say that that makes for one wonderfully amazing compliment! *greedily accepts amazing adoration cookies and returns the favor with a delicious batch of gratitude cookies* Careful, they just came out of the oven. They're hot. ;)
"I think one of the things that really frustrates Hermione...she takes everything too seriously!"
^ There you go again with your awesome perceptiveness! Yes, I think that's one of the reasons Ron and Hermione argue so much in the books; not just because of all their pent-up sexual aggression (hahahah, cannot believe I just typed that XP), but because Ron treats Hermione the same way he treats Harry. I think Hermione does admire that Ron respects her enough to not give her special 'you're a girl' treatment (if that makes sense), but Hermione IS a girl, albeit a super intelligent one: and no girl wants their crush to treat them like they're one of the guys so much so that he doesn't care if she is offended by his rude behavior or not. There needs to be a balance, and Ron is just too clueless to comprehend that. lol ^_^
"Make sure you have classes..."
^ This little bit of advice is actually pure genius! I tend to get caught up with writing whatever I find the most interesting, because I assume the reader will find it the most interesting as well. I already wrote the next two chapters, and the last one does have a study session in it, but now that you pointed this out, I will definitely have to have a class scene come up soon. ^_^
"But I feel...to interpret."
^ This advice is very, very helpful! *hugs* THANK YOU! It makes perfect sense, by the way. I know exactly what you mean. I've been weaving this advice into some of my other fanfics, too, and the result is something I quite enjoy. So thanks!
"I hope that was somewhat constructive? I feel terrible criticizing something I enjoy reading so much!"
^ I hardly call that 'criticizing.' :) If anything, I call that very helpful, very nicely worded advice. Never be afraid to be completely honest with how you feel. It's the only way I can improve. ^_^
"Thank you so much for writing this! I don't read much comedy and I'm truly enjoying! And thank you for being your generous, kind-hearted self! By the way, your titles are brilliant! xoxo"
^ No, thank YOU so much for reading this! :D Again, I'm touched and thrilled by how much you've enjoyed my story and the comedy aspect. *victory cheer*
I'M generous and kind-hearted? *blushes* NOOO, that would be you, dearie! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for the amazing review! *huggles*
♥ We NEED to talk again soon! Thanks for being such an awesome friend. *presents you with a tray of delicious assorted cupcakes* Enjoy! You more than deserve 'em. :D Report Review
By reading this review, you are hereby agreeing to the following terms:
Sarah is the best sister in the whole world.
I will bake Sarah a dozen cookies within an hour of reading this review.
I will think of ways to please Sarah.
I will demonstrate my love for Sarah by acting upon the ideas above.
I will bring Sarah ice cold Diet Dr. Peppers hourly.
I will not be offended by any mocking in this review. Sisters mock one another, and any mocking contained herein is intended to playfully instruct, not diminish my morale.
If you do not stop reading here, I will take your gaze as consent.
Wonderful! I'm glad we have cleared up those formalities! Shall we chat about your chapter now? I'm game if you are.
I'm going to start off by channeling a bit of Justin. Why are you not-so-subtly posing questions to the reader via record of Hermione's masterfully organized thoughts? If your reader is actively reading, then they are already asking themselves these questions. If they are skimming, they don't really care, and you should not worry yourself about their lack of understanding. If their lack of understanding truly troubles them, they will actually read your chapter, thereby placing them within the first category.
What had he meant by it?
And what of his father? Did Draco honestly not know Lucius' whereabouts? If not, then Lucius was most definitely not inside, which meant that her next aim should be to escape as soon as possible.
The last one is my favorite because you also walk us through the consequences. ^_^
You have enough on your plate with the job of a writer. Don't try and be a reader, too. Use questions such as these in a flow chart, in a free write, or in an intense in-your-own-head debate session. Don't put all of them in your chapter. It disrupts your characterization because no one thinks like this. No one has perfectly organized, articulate thoughts.
A good exercise for working on this is to write a bit in first person. Not necessarily writing Tracker-related-scenes in first person (though that's always good if you can't work out exactly what a character is feeling), but writing something where you cannot use your character's thoughts as a retreat, or as a mechanism to further your plot. If you do, your writing sounding ridiculous ^_^.
My other tidbit of advice for writing in general is to try to make your characters as human as possible. Excerpts like "Even in keeping pace with Draco she felt immensely vulnerable," are a bit dehumanizing because we learn to think of Hermione as a robot feeling human feelings. What do you do when you feel vulnerable? Maybe pull your coat closer to your body? Maybe walk with slightly poorer posture? Maybe glance around more than you usually would? Writing about subtle body signs leaves the reader to interpret, gives you the ego boost of showing and not telling, and makes Hermione a much more relatable character.
Let's talk about what is strikingly amazing about your chapter. Your word choice is exceptionally varied. I have difficulty writing characters who do not whisper, murmur, hiss, reply, and growl. And I have a lot of adverbs to prove it ^_^. Your characters inquire, exhale, continue, suppress, and to top it off, their voices quiver. It makes for a wonderful read.
Hermione's dialogue was exceptionally realistic during her feud with Draco. Which means that you know that characters don't think in perfectly structured ways, and can write them as people with feelings ^_^. What I mean is this: don't ever get discouraged. A lot of authors struggle with dialogue being forced or wooden. That doesn't seem to be a problem for you.
Example: "No, you don't! You haven't the faintest idea what horrors we faced in the past year! You, sitting in Hogwarts, you were safe. You weren't in Godric's Hollow! Damn it, you weren't in Gringotts! You weren't!"
It was easy to feel Hermione's fury during that scene because of her dialogue.
The interaction between Draco and Hermione is very balanced in this chapter. The discussions are intense, but not in a "nudge-nudge look at the tension" way. Draco not rising to the bait quoted above gave him a wonderful edge; it means that he has gained quite a bit of sophistication since Book 7, and this makes him much less predictable. Less predictability is good because you have made that a character trait, which works to your advantage. A lot of authors try to "surprise" the reader by having their predictable characters go out of character. This is supposed to give them another "dimension". This, to me at least, is irritating and makes them appear to have multiple personality disorder. And that's not what you have done, so congratulations. My sanity can remain intact. ^_^
You make a point of how much Draco loves his parents in this chapter. I cannot wait to see how you accomplish this. Having Draco hate his parents, and his parents' way of life, has become something of a trademark in Dramione. I think that this lack of abhorrence will challenge you as a writer, in a positive way. It will also distinguish your story from the rest of the Dramiones (not that your writing doesn't do that already).
The way you ended the chapter with Hermione's thoughts was very ingenious. I liked that you put them in italics, and not just because as a writer, that's something I favor. The thoughts came through as very direct and very unadulterated. If you write all of the thoughts in italics initially, even if you don't leave them that way, you might be able to recognize how much thought recording you have. Which would help you filter out the tedious questions above, and make more of an impact upon the reader. It really was a fantastic way to end a chapter.
You really do have a wonderful start and I cannot wait to read what you write next. xoxoAuthor's Response: What a brilliant opener to a review! :) Unfortunately I sort of have an obligation to answer all my reviews, so I think that I can fairly say I do not have to accept preconditions. :D
*cringes* I think you are right about the questions. It is rather amateur, I agree, and in future you will not be seeing any similar rubbish. I'm glad you have a favorite idiotic line though: that makes my life.
Again, apologies for the author voice; I agree completely. ^_^ You are giving me much to think about. I love the way you phrased it... Planting little secrets within the writing for the reader to interpret gives you ego-boosts, does it? ;)
Thanks for complementing the word choice! I find a particularly varied W.C an extremely difficult thing to achieve, so I am flattered that you think mine is! It's something that definitely is not present in the earlier drafts of a chapter. That I feel confident in telling you in my amateur-writer-status. :)
*wipes brow* I find dialogue difficult to write, so I am happy that it comes off effortless to you. :) That definitely makes the struggle worth it. It's not half the struggle that *not* writing in author voice is, but I still find it challenging. So thanks for the compliment!
And thanks for showing me what dialogue you find valuable. ^_^
I personally *love* "nudge-nudge look at the tension!" dialogues. ;) Teehee- I know exactly what you mean, and I am very glad that mine is more balanced than that in your opinion. Chapter Three almost commenced with a ditched scene I now affectionately call "the Fuzzy Slippers Confrontation" but, never fear, that has already been decisively nixed. :D It was way too melodramatic; I do like keeping your sanity intact.
I'm glad you like Draco's "sophistication" (what a humbling, wonderful word for you to use!), too. I had to think long and hard about what Draco would do given Book Seven and where I thought his character would have developed since that time. The state of Draco's internal being has changed as much in the last fortnight as Hermione's, so I am glad that came though. Although I do love multiple personality fan-fics. They're basically my *fave*. ;)
Ironically, Draco's love for his parents is something that I envisioned before the first sentences of the novella were ever written. I too have read many Dramiones in which Draco hates everything about his parents, but to be perfectly honest I have always felt that this 'reformed' Draco (rarely does this Draco transformation take place within the actual novella, I've noticed) is fundamentally missing something. The way that Draco's parents were described in Book Seven--and especially the way Narcissa's concern for Draco was described in Book Six--to me always meant there was something to their relationship, even though it was based on believing the same prejudices in Draco's early years. Now, I humbly suggest there is more to the picture.
This isn't to say that Tracker's Draco is like his father, not at all. It's a fine line that Draco walks, and writing that relationship between Draco and his parents is one of the things I look forward to writing most in Tracker. ^_^ I hope it does make the story unique, and thank you for your support! It means the world *draws world, points to it* to me.
Thank you so much for your italics comments! ^_^ That's an absolutely fantastic idea- I'll do that exercise before posting Chapter Three. I was slightly worried about the potential gag-factor of the last line, but I eventually convinced myself that the reader would not take Hermione's words as a longing for romantic involvement.in Chapter Two, no less... not that I don't love those stories where Draco and Hermione board the Hogwarts Express in Chapter One, are toying with the idea of dating by Chapter Two... :)
Thanks for your review! Your enthusiasm makes me even more eager to wrap up Chapter Three! ^_^ I'm off to write more then, and thanks for everything!
Hallows Report Review
Apologies for taking so dreadfully long to review this. I will try to treat this as any other critical review (and you should, too ^_^). In other words, I may criticize or praise, but ultimately, it is your story. You have to decide what is best. So, get excited! It is review time! ^_^
You open the story really, really well. It is not one of those Hermione-Teeth-Brushing or Draco-Staring-Moodily-At-A-Wall affairs; you have action as soon as the reader starts reading. The plot is original, and you have kept Hermione's characterization ambitiously close to the books. Your description is very vivid, and your use of adjectives is colorful. For instance, "swirling in currents on the pavement and creeping into the crevices of the alleyways, moving specter-like under the doors of the hovels that lined the street" is a fierce bit of description ^_^. Wonderful job.
Couple of things that you need to watch out for. Your syntax could be more varied: you have a lot of variation in the way you write longer sentences, but it adds a bit to the story to have some shorter phrases as well. It is difficult to pick up on what exactly you are emphasizing when your sentences are several lines long. Summarizing is also an area that you lean towards, which I completely understand. You are in an empty house for a bit of the chapter, which is not the most suspenseful or entertaining of places. Going through each action may be beating a dead horse, but it is difficult for me to 'find' Hermione's character at points. Summarizing what happens, and then her conclusions, leaves very little for the reader to decipher.
Example: Peering inside and seeing nothing, her fingers wrapped around the door frame, Hermione pulled herself across the threshold before quickly closing the door and bolting it shut. Whoever unlocked the door was gone.
*hopes that makes sense* What I guess I mean is that, in trying to make the chapter move along faster and make it less boring, you make it more boring and diminish the characterization. And once you get into the habit of doing that, it is very difficult to move beyond it.
Commas are the last stylistic thing I would like to point out. You have a lot of them. Each time you have a conjunction, you do not need a comma. I, the proud graduate of the dashes phase and the comma phase, know when I see a comma phase-r. You are in it ^_^. That said, no one is above it, so do not let it intimate you too much ^_^
Do not mistake me for some witless fan girl when I say this. Now, let us talk about Draco ^_^.
"Hermione could see him clearly. Half of his face was in shadow, but she could still see his harsh jaw line, his piercing grey eyes, and his loose white blonde hair."
BEST OPENING DRACO DESCRIPTION EVER. I jumped up and down and smiled ^_^.
"Like hell he is, Granger" is such an in-character bit of dialogue. I could hear his voice in my head, which is good because the sooner your reader understands your characters as people, the better.
I did expect a bit more reaction to "Draco, it's finished. It's over. Voldemort is over." If he is really just learning this, I think he would have a bit more reaction to the VOLDEMORT IS OVER bit. I know he is looking for his father, but really, that is a big bit of news to move so quickly on from.
Good Draco. Good Hermione. Check you out with your good characterizations! ^_^ The only hole I am coming across is Harry. We are told quite a bit of what Harry would do in this chapter. If that trend continues, I think it is going to be fairly difficult to write the story without having bits from Harry. Keep that in mind; if you have another character to switch to, it might relieve you from having to write "filler" chapters on Draco and Hermione later.
Let me finish off by saying this. For the first chapter of a new Dramione writer, this is really, really good. My first chapter was absolute rubbish, and I did not have anyone critiquing me. I would have felt entirely overwhelmed if I knew what I was doing from the start. I first had to take criticism of the first few chapters when I was many chapters onward, and you are taking it from me while writing chapter three. Do not expect too much from yourself as far as progress in each chapter. You might freeze up while writing, or feel way too much pressure. Try to take the things I have said and gradually apply them. Do not force yourself to try and break all your habits and mannerisms in a short time span. You will probably grow out of many of them on your own, and the others you will craft to your own unique style ^_^ You are writing for you. Do not try to paint to Mona Lisa with Chapter Three. You are painting for yourself, and eventually, you will get "there". I do not know where "there" is, but I have it on good authority that it exists. ^_^ Do not stress. As I have said, this is really, really good.
I am going to go reread & review Chapter 2 now. See you there! ^_^ xoxoAuthor's Response: Hey Sarah, thanks for reviewing! I appreciate your honesty concerning Chapter One of Tracker, and I will try to keep your advice in mind. I am glad that you like it overall; if you didn't, that would be rather depressing, no? ^_^
I think that you are right in not underestimating the importance the opening to a new novella, and I am so glad that you liked my description! :D I was slightly worried while writing it, to be honest, because I still think it could be thought overly dramatic. Eventually, though, I reached a point where my confidence in the opening grew. The description was actually written word-for-word in my first ever draft, and as it survived revision after revision intact I decided it was worth keeping.
Thank you so much for your constructive criticism: I think that you are absolutely write in critiquing the longer sentences, which have been enabled using wonderful semi-colons, commas, and colons. It does give the reader more to keep in mind at any given time and it does hinder the writing. Thanks for articulating the advice! I will keep it in mind as I wrap up and revise Chapter Three. :D
Summarizing *flinches* is definitely something I should avoid more also. I understand what you mean when you say that some passages are written in Author Voice, and I hope I do kick the habit early before it fully integrates into my writing! Still, I am hopeful that, because I understand your criticism, I will be able to gradually nix it in future chapters during revision. Hopefully soon it won't even enter the writing at all! 'Twould be epic, no? ^_^
But I LOVE COMMAS! *collects all commas in a jar, sticks jar under pillow* :) No, I completely agree with you, and hopefully I will eventually "graduated" (to use your words) too.
Aw- thank you! *blushes* I am very glad you find the line epic, because looking back it makes me cringe. How can Hermione see him clearly when half his face is in shadow?! *sighs* I think my choice in tone is the only thing that saves me here (sort of how I think the Amber Spyglass by Phillip Pullman is definitely the worst book in the series His Dark Materials, but because it is written with the same tone that obvious while reading it. Only in retrospect... :)
I will try to keep Draco's edge in future drafts. ^_^ Glad you like it.
*cringes* Quit being so observant! ;) Well the reason he didn't over-react (I completely agree he should have, had he not known Voldy was defeated) was because he did already know that Voldy was defeated. Still, the line Draco says proceeding this line does not make that remotely clear either. *shakes head* Worse, it reinforces the impression that he didn't know because he challenges Hermione about his father. Sorry- looking back, that particular passage is ambiguous.
Funnily enough, as I found your review I was also typing up a Harry scene in Chapter Three! ^_^ You should take up fortune telling. I already agreed with you! :) What I would like to know is whether or not you find my Harry references random tangents or more carefully placed thoughts in Hermione's head. Can you see the rhyme/reason?
Thank you for saying you liked the chapter as a whole! I think that you are right, given that I have typed about 20,000 in drafts for Chapter Three but am yet to publish, that I am perhaps trying to be too perfectionist and excepting to much of myself. You're right- I can't fix all my writing flaws in one go. For what it's worth, I thought the beginning chapters of Safe, while amateur compared to the freaking awesome chapters you are writing now that completely wow everyone, definitely held their own. ^_^
I hope a "there" exists too. :D Kudos for writing such an awesome review! I can't believe after all ^^^ you are about to go write another awesome review! I'm off to respond to it, too!
Hallows Report Review
I am so excited to read this! ^_^ I've never really branched into AU as a genre, and so I'm thrilled to be able to read something as awesome as you have written! And in your AU universe, I get to see my favorite cast of characters together! I always wished that Wood would be able to be on the same Quidditch team as Ron. And Voldemort isn't in power? I really, truly am excited to see how all of this pans out. Apologies if I come off as overly excited about the premise of AU, but as I say, I've never tinkered with it before ^_^
I like how you've made Wood slightly irritating. The "weak" comments are so striking; they add such a dimension to his character. It makes me wonder about the comments he grew up hearing. The Ron versus Wood dynamic is so filled with friction! And Hortentia? Classic! ^_^ Best mispronunciation ever. But seriously, I'm interested to see what happens between Hermione, Wood, and Ron. By the way, Katie is one of my favorite characters so far ^_^ She's so concerned and authentically decent!
Hermione's rant is so in character! The dialogue there is the strongest in the chapter, and that's saying something, good madam! I loved it how she got on Harry as well - so very Hermione! And Harry coughing made me cackle - I've been in that awkward situation several times and that is pretty much the only thing you can do. ^_^
I should have guessed from how ridiculously funny you are that your humor would be brilliant! All of the Fred & George banter made me smile, especially the woodchuck bit ^_^ Absolutely hysterical. I think you have a real gift for touching others through your comical writing. It's brightened my day, to say the least!
By the way, we're going on forty-eight hours. I miss you! *GLOMPS*
*holds out tray of sugar cookies with blue icing*
Cookie? You can take the whole tray if you catch up with me! ^_^
Thank you very much for being so amazingly, astoundingly awesome! Sweet dreams! xoxoAuthor's Response: *SQUEE x one million* AH! *attacks with huggles* You are so awesomely, amazing, superbly FANTASTIC! XD Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this amazing review! < 3
I'm very glad to be sort of like your introductory course to AU. ;) I kind of had to use it with the storyline because Oliver is too old to be with Hermione in canon. Also, the whole 'there-is-no-Voldemort' aspect doesn't play too much into the storyline, except for the fact that I didn't have to worry about the trio always concerned with what Voldy was up to, AND a lot of different characters get to keep their lives. :P
I am absolutely thrilled you found the story comedic! I never thought I would be able to write comically, but with this story took on a life of its own with the humor. ^_^ I was kind of worried no one else would think it funny! And I am positively delighted you liked Fred and George's characterization. They are two of the funnest characters to write, because I basically just get to throw all seriousness to the wind and have fun with their dialogue.
"I should have guessed from how ridiculously funny you are..." :D You are much too kind! *huggles* I love you, girlie!
"The Ron versus Wood dynamic is so filled with friction!" Haha, thanks! Just wait for some later chapters. ;) mwuhahaha!
"I like how you've made Wood slightly irritating. The "weak" comments are so striking; they add such a dimension to his character." With this story, one of the things I really wanted to much sure I did was make every character as multilayered as possible. Sure, there are some characters who have more minor roles and thus you only really see one side of them (like George and Fred's jokes, for example), but with the main characters, I tried to make them all like real human beings. So thank you for not just accepting Wood at face value and for seeing that there is more dimension to his character than his 'I-am-Quidditch-captain-hear-me-roar' persona.
"By the way, we're going on forty-eight hours. I miss you! *GLOMPS*"
^ Oh, I know! :'( I've been trying to catch you on MSN IM, because I miss you! *glomps back* And because you are such an amazing beta, and I have some stuff to discuss with you.
"*holds out tray of sugar cookies with blue icing*
Cookie? You can take the whole tray if you catch up with me! ^_^ "
*Takes cookie and gobbles it up. Smiles and blue icing is all over teeth*
MMmmmM!!! I will definitely see you soon to catch up with you (and to munch up the rest of those cookies)
"Thank you very much for being so amazingly, astoundingly awesome!"
No, thank YOU for being one of the nicest, funniest, generally most AWESOME people ever! I am truly blessed to have made such as great a friend as you. :D
*crowd goes "aw w w w"* < 3
I realized, while rereading this story, that I never reviewed this chapter. Which is an atrocity, because this chapter is one of my favorites in the entire novel! ^_^ Forgive me for my lateness? It really does qualify me as a terrible person. :(
I loved Alana's opening. Her determination really radiates from the page - as she tries to choose - but then comes to a decision. One of the things that I've always liked about her character is that no matter what position she is placed in, or what she's done, she stands up for herself. But it's more than that - she's willing to accept the consequences.
And when George stepped out of the fireplace! He's grown so much through the course of this story - it's easy to remember just how lost he was when I read his dialogue now. Alana gives him such a tone of rightness and conviction - only you could write it :)
That said, I don't think she made the right decision. Wait - no. I don't think she initially made the right decision in going to see him. She makes the right decision after she sees him. But she did not think she was going to be able to choose. And carrying on a relationship with someone you cheated on your boyfriend for is questionable. Even though they were friends. If I were her, I would have ended it with George before I carried on even a friendship with Ernie.
That sounds really harsh. Maybe I'm not saying this right. Gah! See! You writer of a complicated story! You have me fidgeting and muttering about it! :) Because the whole point is that it is so much more complicated than that! :)
And George! JILL! JILL! *pokes*
*pokes more rapidly*
He asked her to marry him! Because he wants to know he won't lose her? Because he loves her? Because he needs her and Ernie made him feel as if she were slipping away? Or all of the above?
And she just dived in. SHE SAID YES. But she was so scared! Maybe I was supposed to get giddy excitement from it, but I also feel a sense of foreboding. Like this isn't going to end wrap-it-in-a-box perfectly?
Maybe I'm just crazy? Reading the work of an author who makes such an exceedingly twisted and wonderful novel la does that to you! :) I've loved every single twist and turn of this story! Thank you so so much for writing it :D
I'm off to reread again. :) Hope you're doing well! xoxo
PS. I'm going to be annoying. Sequel? ^_^Author's Response: SARAH! I LOVE YOU. This review just made me giddy. Seriously.
I love how much you love this story and how you react to it. I think it's actually what kept me plugging away at it as much as I did :D I think I unintentionally set this up for a sequel (which I do intend to write, eventually :P) but I also wanted to leave you questioning! A good author always makes the audience yearn for more, yeah?
I'm so so so so so happy that you like this so much! It really does make me giddy and definitely inspires me to write! And any questions on the sequel cannot be answered a) because I've only got oneish chapter done and b) because I think there will be a one shot between this and the sequel and c) because that's just no fun at all :P
Thank you so much again! Report Review
Georgia! *hugs* I'll have you know that I was hoping - until the very end - that he would change. You know, I'm a Dramioine shipper until the bitter end. And the way you interwove her thoughts throughout the memories was so very haunting. And this sounds cliche and odd to say, but this story was literally hate and betrayal, written on paper. You are such a fantastic writer and I am favoriting this now ^_^. Fantastic, raw, amazing writing. I hope you are having a lovely day! xoxo Report Review
*skids in, does a stealth roll on floor, jumps up* You did it! You did it, you did it! :) How could anyone not be insanely excited for this sequel? ^_^ Your writing was absolutely lovely!
"Doesn't stop your lot." I'll have you know that I was attempting, attempting being the operating word, to drink a liquid when I read that. My computer screen does not thank you ^_^. Haha, amen Dina. Amen.
This was so very interesting - I'm very curious to see more of Dina. She's very headstrong at times (talking to the Boy Who Lived must take some guts, even if you look like him), but she also is able to silently acquiesce. To me, she looks like a girl who knows how to choose her battles. And I'm rather curious to see how she is related to Harry in the Evans line. And the fact that she seems to have a closer link to Harry than meets the eye, that neither are fully aware of - judging by the fact that they are very aware of each other - interests me very much *hopes that sentence made sense*
This was such a lovely, wonderful chapter! I'm so very excited to see what you do with this story! ^_^ *hug tackles* You are ever so nice for writing a sequel! I cannot wait to see more (in a fangirl squee way, not in a pestering WRITE MORE NOW! way :). Well, maybe a little ^_^ xoxoxoAuthor's Response: Sara. For real, every time you leave me a review, comment, etc etc, I always smile :) I'm so pleased that you love my writing! It is a gift that I will gladly accept :D
Dina is a brand new character and I'm HOPING I don't muck it up by bringing her in haha.
You're lovely :)
And don't worry; I've finished the story :) So I'm going to wait for my one-shot challenge fic to be validated, then next chapter... then challenge fic... then next chapter, etc haha.
Love you always Report Review
I am in shock. Trust me, the banner of this story does not scream 'happiness'. The summary gave me the odd illusion that I was being tricked, and I started to read. And I'm justifying to myself the title at every step - oh look! Harry is drowning in inadequacy, Hermione is drowning in pretense - Lily is drowning under pressure! And now I am attempting to make sense of this. Harry just drowned her! DROWNED her! It was so well written, so tragic, so heartbreaking. This story - truly - it's exceptional. I'm sure this review is fragmented but my brain is yelling many different things at me at the same time ^_^. Everyone was so in character but it was so original - I've never seen this twist to Hermione. And Draco? Having him there, in a vortex of faux perfection - I found that to be fascinating. And Luna - the whole recital was such an interesting idea! And his fight with Hermione! All of this chapter was stunning. Harry's character - how he tried to psychologically cope and twist fate. How he tried so hard and his conclusion that it didn't make the slightest bit of difference. The end was - I don't have words. You are brilliant. 10, definitely :) I'm in full fledged fan girl mode right now. *hug tackles* xoxoxoxoxoAuthor's Response: I LOVE YOU SARAH! Your review means everything to me! It's my story and yet you put it in a new light for me. I love the fact that you loved my story! It absolutely means the world to me. Report Review
Forgive me if I am completely incoherent. I don't think I've ever read a one-shot that was this effective, that was this emotionally intense. This was absolutely, positively brilliant. You are so gifted: the only think I was thinking throughout this fic was 'please, please, please let there be another flashback'. All of them were so beautifully written, and the emotions were so vivid to the reader. And the portrayal of Harry was so tragic, but the depiction of Draco even more so: absolutely shattering and completely heart breaking. Favorite lines include: "Don't be", "You love me for it", "Don't touch me!", "You promised me forever", "I can't keep that promise, Draco", and "Nothing remains but grey, cold ashes." I cannot tell you how Earth shattering this piece is. I adore the dynamic, the characterization, the style, your use of flow and language and syntax. You are such an inspiring writer and I hate to be terribly unhelpful, but I cannot find anything to critique ^_^. Thank you so much for a story that I will be thinking about for the next several hours (I would say days, but that would sound stalker-ish, wouldn't it?) It's a crime to give this a ten, as it deserves so much higher. Thank you for your writing and for being so amazingly amazing *hugs* xoxoAuthor's Response: Ooh, not at all! *grins* I love it when I leave readers incoherent! That means I have managed to provoke some emotion, and isn'ÃÂt that what all writers aspire to do? I'm so flattered by your words, truly, when I first read this review I was sitting here with a goofy grin plastered all over my face.
IÃÂ'm so happy you liked the flashbacks! They were interesting to write after writing the present/Harry parts which are quite monotone and simple - and hearing that the emotion came through makes me all giddy.
Ah, you actually pointed out some of my own favourite lines as well here, darling. ^_^ Furthermore, I'ÃÂm so pleased that you liked my portrayal of both of them. It's difficult with these two sometimes, especially when writing angst; trying to make the dynamic work and still keeping them in character.
*g* thank you! I'm positively thrilled that you like my story so much, and to hear that my writing is inspiring just made my day. That'ÃÂs amazing.
Oh, you can think of it for days and no one would be happier than me! I would consider it a great compliment.
Thank you so, so much for this fantastic review. I cannot tell you how happy it made me. I definitely hope that you will enjoy the rest of my work as well, dear.
ps. I don't know what went wrong with my ' s here.. oh well! :P Report Review
That was absolutely fantastic! I'm grinning from ear to ear! Such a hysterical one-shot! Draco's character was so well written, Hermione's Hermione-ness so well described as she's being neurotic, and the ending was brilliant. I truly enjoyed. You have a wonderful talent for humor ^_^. I hope you are having a wonderful day! Report Review
I don't read much slash. I don't read any Draco/Harry. The only reason I clicked on this was because you wrote it and you are a ridiculously talented writer. And I cannot even express how powerful this story was. I cannot explain how well you used language, how powerfully you used "you", how your vivid description was so real without being even the tiniest bit trashy.
I just read your story "Lights" - and I gave your first line of your second chapter the "best line award". But now I've read this and I decided I did not correctly establish the rules of the award. (dramatic music) The award is given daily and a new day begins at 9:11pm EST. Oh look! It's 9:12! I can give it again? How convenient! =)
No one knew how fucking beautiful he looked when your name falls from his lips.
I'm still sitting in shock and I don't think I will ever, ever recover. This deserves so much more than a 10/10. I'm committing such an atrocity by giving it one.
You're amazing and obscenely talented. And now I have another favorite =) xoxoAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, Sarah! I am a closet Draco/Harry fan, mainly because of the passion it seems to inspire. I love a good hate/hate story :D
And to hear it did not sound trashy, God, you have no idea how much that comforted me! I was so scared it was going to come off like a smutty porn fic but there was really no other way to convey the feelings I want to. Thank you!!
And I love that you loved that line! Haha, of course you are free to do as you please - all the more awards for me :D
Thank you so much Sarah, you reviews mean the world!!
xxx Report Review
GEORGIA! GEORGIA! GEORGIA!
This is SO fantastic! This is such amazing work! This is honestly some of the best writing I have seen at HPFF! You are so wonderful! I love Scorpius. His tone is so unique, his character so formed! And I love the dynamic (or lack thereof) that we see between him and Rose! It addresses things in an entirely different perspective. Again, your structure and sophisticated flow were flawless.
France was not, by any stretch of the imagination, England.
If there was such a thing as a best line award, you would win it. In fact, I'm making one so I can give it to you because a truer sentence was never spoken. I lived in Paris for a month last year and hearing your description was literally like going back. The Seine, the apparent grandeur and then the inner grime, and the cafes! Your French was lovely to read :) And I too have played the game of "How British (well, in my case American) can you be before getting thrown out in France?" It was so entertaining to see him play. =) You're amazing!
And they both want the other to come back for who they are. They both want the other so badly - it's painful to read! Well, it's amazingly awesome to read - but it's painful! =) I cannot wait for the next update of this! Definitely a new favorite!
I find it much harder to be sympathetic with Rose for not writing back after reading this, by the way ^_^. Have a wonderful wonderful day! xoxoAuthor's Response: Thank you so, so much, Sarah. You are far too kind (and I sound like a broken record!) :D
I'm really glad you liked that line. For the longest time (a couple of weeks, at least!), that was the only sentence in the word document titled "Lights - Chapter Two" :P It reminded me every time what the chapter was about, so it was very useful!
And I am so jealous - I have never been to Paris! I really want to, though. And yes - I have heard of the infamous French unhelpfulness when it comes to not being about to speak the language. That, obviously, is what inspired this :)
Argh! Thank you - you got it exactly. I really want the idea that neither will be truly home without the other - that they will essentially guide each other home - to come through, and you got that! Yay! I know now how you feel when people get your "Safe" idea/metaphor :D
Thanks so much, Sarah, for reading and reviewing this; it means the world, thank you!! :D Report Review
You are so so ridiculously talented! It's insane! I cannot fathom how one even goes about writing this well. Everything about this is amazing. Sentence structure, word variation, flow - I'm truly green with envy. As for the story itself, it is absolutely amazing! I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed (And I get to read another chapter now? Mwhahahaa!). I love the way you insert details about Rose's life that give real substance to her character without beating the reader over the head with information. I love how you make the reader understand Rose's point of view without making us feel forced to sympathize, and as a result we do. And I loved the dream and how unique it was. And I love how I'm sitting here, so hoping he comes home. I'm off to the next chapter! You truly are so gifted! *hug tackles* xoxoAuthor's Response: SARAH, YOU ARE FAR TOO KIND.
Thank you so much, Sarah, I am far from deserving such praise!! I'm glad you liked it - I was so worried when I started it would seem slow and boring. I'm not used to novels/anything-more-than-a-one-shot, so anything drawn out seems painfully slow when I write it.
As for Rose's life, that was actually the hardest bit - when I started writing this, I unconsciously info-vomited. That is, I had large blocks of information unbroken by narrative. Luckily I realise before I sent the chapter to my beta and re-wrote the entire chapter. I had a check list of what I need to include and it made it so much more flow-y.
Thank you so much, Sarah, you are much to kind :D Report Review
George! George! George! Jill! Jill! Jill! Jill!
Alright, I will attempt to sound as if I can think coherently before I dive off into my torn rant. This was a fantastic chapter - if there was a grammar or spelling (or misplaced dash - oh wait, that's me :) I did not catch it! And your sentence structure and word variation makes me quite jealous. This is honestly struck me as some of your best work. It was completely fantastic. I'm not a patient person so I shall now discuss my "which one" angst. But really, don't let my fangirl-ness make you think this was not a STELLAR chappie :)
This is shenaigans! I am so torn right now, it is ridiculous. On one hand, I've always liked Ernie. But this chapter reaffirms my belief that George can, at times, step up to the plate and be an emotionally stable character, for Alana. And whoever provides the most stability is who I think she needs to be with - for the sake of her character. I'm probably going against many a "have an adventure" cliche right now, but hey, this story was never cliche so I don't think I will be, either :)
George is nicely demonstrating his understanding of her character, while Ernie, as he says, is being a nitwit (if you excuse the sophisticated term). At the same time, Ernie has been the one picking up the pieces post-George (or at least, that's how it feels to him). But in the midst of this, I feel as if Alana wants George. She truly, truly does - and her mistakes are not indicative of a faltering in her love for him.
So, this is my conundrum :) I'm so excited to read the next chapter, even though the story is winding down (see, this is me in denial :) I hope you are having a lovely lovely lovely day and I will chat with you later to continue my ranting. :) xoxo
Wait- I'm back. You're summary is so true, by the way.
Okay, now here I go for real now :)Author's Response: Hahaha Sarah! I always love your crazy reviews, they make me grin ear to ear.
But the whole word variation and stuff was drilled into me during my two years of AP English, so I beat myself up if I get too situated in one style and keep repeating the same words. Thesaurus = best friend :D
And you're SUPPOSED to be torn! Heh. I'm evil, I know, but it's such great fun! :P
I really love how well you know these characters... it seems like you're in my head telling me all this stuff that I want to be happening - it's absolutely fantastic! Only thing is, you don't know who she ends up with :P
And I DID have a lovely day, thanks, I hope you did too and that calc isn't beating you up too much!
ps. summary is totally true. I love that line :D Report Review
Hello =) This was a ridiculously original story. I truly, truly enjoyed. The beginning action had me enchanted - I was thinking "who could he possibly be talking about" and the voice in his head made his pain seem so real to me; it was a very powerful opening. Hermione's torture was excruciating to watch from Draco's eyes, and in the books, his cowardice is a powerfully restraining force, his handicap. In this, it was his undoing in such a realistic way. And the idea of Hermione having a portrait! Brilliant! Loved loved loved loved. And the idea of him being a professor - still haunted - unable to walk past her portrait. Argh, it was heartbreaking. I sense that this review is scattered and rambling but I just wanted to let you know how very much I loved this story! =) Lovely work. xoxoAuthor's Response: Oh wow:) Thanks so much, I am really glad that you enjoyed this story. This review has made my day,or I guess I should say night, completely.
xox Report Review
Hey Hey =) I was so excited to see your response that you were updating (all of them were lovely, by the way ^_^). This was a wonderful "get to Hogwarts" chapter; so many are so dull and absolutely cliche, but this was not. I loved the questions you posed to the reader - particularly why Hermione continues to throw their relation in Draco's face. I'm thinking that it means she has a much more difficult time than Draco as far as compartmentalizing goes, as well as letting go. She doesn't have as much practice pretending relations are skin deep. You really did a wonderful job with Draco's character as well - justifying his choice as Head Boy to the fullest extent. I like his edge, his sarcasm: he's very much in his book character, apart from the advancements to his character you have wonderfully made. I love Hermione's thoughts to herself as well; several are amusing, but I really get the foreboding feeling that she is distracting herself from much more painful avenues. "I'm going to leave now because you're a boy and you can't help it that you weren't blessed with many brain cells." Favorite quote! Bahahahaha, it's not our fault it's true =). I only came across two curiosities in this chapter. One - Dumbledore is usually extremely tactful, and while he was letting Hermione know that Mrs. Weasley cared about her, it did seem as if he was breeching confidentiality, which he would never ever do in the books. The second curiosity is Hermione's eating. I'm not sure if you're getting at the idea that she doesn't want to be in an almost gloatingly wholesome environment when she is so undone, or if Hermione is going to have an eating disorder several chapters down the line. And you don't have to tell me if it spoils plot =) I hope you are having a lovely, lovely day! I'm truly enjoying your story thus far. xoxoAuthor's Response: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Your reviews rock!
You're a very perceptive reader, you pick up things that I haven't even consciously thought about myself while writing it hehe.
I do love a bit of sarcasm. I find it easiest to write Draco when he's being sarcastic, I really want to avoid turning him into a fluffy character.
It's really interesting that you mentioned the distracting thing with Hermione because that does feature in the next chapter.
That line was kind of petty and maybe slightly immature but it made me laugh too.
Do you know I find Dumbledore harder to write than nearly any other character (apart from Ron).
I can say that she isn't going to have an eating disorder. It does have more to do with the environment of mealtimes than the food. Also I think it happens to a lot of people when something traumatic happens, you just don't feel like eating.
You're feedback has really helped me so much. Especially while editing future chapters. Thank you so much again. Report Review
I am such a traitor- I'm sitting here shipping for Harmony in a Dramione. *puppy dog eyes* Argh, stop it self, you didn't come here to plead :) I really thought this was a solid chapter - the explanation was solid. I liked how you kept the characters in character, liked how there was a visible transformation from intoxicated vulnerable Draco to this Draco. I think this dynamic you have set up - that they took advantage of each other - that's so powerful. I've never seen it done that way and I cannot wait to see what you do with it. Only one criticism -one thing in here made me flinch. "Wearing a dress that clung to her body in all the right places." This line is so cliche and so used - with the rest of your fantastic description, it didn't fit. But hey, maybe that's me being picky! I cannot WAIT for an update, but feel no pressure =) I hope you are having a wonderful day! xoxo SarahAuthor's Response: Hehe sorry Harry is just a really good friend to Hermione. Thank you so much for the positive comments and sorry about that line, you are right it probably is the most cliched line ever hehe.
The next chapter should hopefully be up tomorrow as long as it get's validated ok. Thank you so much for your feedback although it's making me slightly nervous that this story will eventually end up being a big let down because I don't have the amazing imagination that you and so many other authors on here have. I'm also having serious writer's block at the moment but I am quite far ahead in writing this story. I'm currently writing chapter 15 and it's seriously bugging me but updates shouldn't ever take too long. Report Review
Okay. Here's the thing. I've seen this scene play out several different stories, but none of the others actually made this believable, or unique. You, dearie, have =). I actually felt, while reading, that this could happen. Hermione's snapping at the funeral, leading to her downfall at the Leaky Cauldron- all while keeping Draco in character. The characters, all of them, were believable. Aunt Janet was so easy to hate, but not for petty reasons that were convent plot device - you made a solid, underlying reason which was consistent. Draco's bruises were a surprise I certainly was not expecting; it really summoned my shock and pity for him. My only caution would be that Draco, at times, seems too eloquent. Such as when he says "To drown your sorrows and hope the answers to all your problems lie at the bottom of the glass." True, yes, but isn't he intoxicated? Despite the fact that he handles liquor well, I don't think he would be speaking in such a clear, enlightened fashion. Apart from that, I spotted no holes. I'm really excited to see what you do with the next chapter! =)Author's Response: Seriously you have made my night. Thank you so much.
I'm glad you felt like the characters were believable because that's something I've worried about. I think the thing with Dramione's is that to some extent they do have to be out of character, it's hard to avoid that, but I tried to keep them as closly in character as I could while still fitting in with the story.
Aunt Janet is actually based on one of my own aunts so she was actually quite easy to write (here's hoping she never reads this hehe).
Yeh I understand what you mean about Draco. The line you quoted was a line that I just really wanted to fit in there somewhere. I suppose the way I look at it is that everyone is affected in different ways when intoxicated, (Apparently I become all philisophical when intoxicated, it's slightly worrying when your friends tell you that you make more sense like that hehe).
Thank you again for such a great review I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hey! What a sad chapter! I know you said it was filler, but it seems to me as if you are starting a key process of deterioration for Hermione, which is important enough to make this most certainly not filler, for me at least. =) I like the way you included the flashbacks. Everything seems in free fall for her and they really helped bring a sense of what she has lost. Lovely writing :) I love that you aren't rushing into things. I truly enjoyed and I am off to the next chapter!Author's Response: Hey, thank you. I'm really glad you didn't find this chapter just a boring filler. I felt like there had to be some sort of transition between Hermione finding out and the funeral to really display that she's falling apart. Thank you very much! Report Review
Hey! My name is Sarah and I wanted to welcome you to HPFF (obviously you've been here awhile, hence 4 chapters, but I wanted to say hi anyway :). I love that you started writing Dramione! In my unbiased opinion (cough cough not at all cough) it is the best ship :). I really like the start you have here! Your grammar is good and your flow is really exceptional as well. I think you could use a bit more detail, but apart from that, you're good to go! I'm really interested to see if there will any elements of Harmony in this. I read deeply into any such gesture because that's my second favorite ship - so don't feel as if you've misled if I'm completely crazy. :) Your plot has action, which is key for a first chapter. I'm off to the next chapter! xoxoAuthor's Response: Hi Sarah, thank you. I have to tell you I'm like the hugest fan of your story Safe, so for you to say such nice things about my story is such a big compliment. I agree though, description is definately something I need to work on. Thank you so much Report Review
Hello Hello! =) I enjoyed this - your style remained exceptional! I liked the style of the letter: very McGonagall. The beginning confused me. If Hermione refused to be physically involved with Victor- why would she suddenly be willing to have sex with Malfoy, the boy who has hated her for the last for years? Maybe I am getting ahead of the plot =). My only caution would be that the "Head Boy and Girl with same Quarters and Child" plot has been done - but I'm sure you will make it your own. I can't wait to see where this goes! Off to the next chapter! xoxo SarahAuthor's Response: Hi Sarah :D Yes it has been done alot but I have revised the 2nd chapter so it's a bit less cliche. I write this a while ago and have just recently revised both chapter, chapter two in validation, so I know that the Viktor/Draco thing is a bit off :D
Thankyou for your review :D Report Review
Hello :) I really enjoyed this chapter! The grammar was good, the flow solid, and you have me well and truly intrigued. I like how you balance dialogue between colloquial and a more formal writing style- marvelous work. Your images and summary are amazing, by the way. I'm off to the next chapter! xoxoAuthor's Response: Hello :D thankyou for your review, you made my day :) Report Review
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