Aaagh, I forgot how much I love your writing! Sorry for becoming lax on "I have that life"...the storyline was kinda confusing me. This is pretty confusing as well with all the million kids, but I just got sucked in. I will definitely try to review and keep up with this! Congratulations on the baby, that's so exciting. Do you know if it's a boy or girl yet? You must be so excited!Author's Response: Yeah dont worry about that ... that is going to be sorted in pretty short order.
I have decided to delete the Cannon sections from that story. Sorry bout the kids. I will add something in my authors note next chapter right at the top of the page xx
About the baby, no, I dont know whether it's a boy or a girl yet but we'll wait and see. If it's a girl my boyfriend and I have agreed on the name Ivy, and Duncan for a boy xx I am indcredibly excited xx Report Review
Ok, this is a really good start to the story! Here's what I thought:
Grammar: Pretty good. I found a couple of typos, but nothing that couldn't be smoothened out after a quick read thru.
Characterization: Your Ginny is quite fun and enjoyable to read so far. Her rant about Harry might have been a bit dramatic, but again nothing too bad.
Writing Style: The beginning was a little overdone, although parts of it were nice. Try not to over-complicate sentences that would work just as well in a simpler form.
Plot: Since it's only the first chapter, there's not too much I can say so far, but the flow was very nice, nothing seemed rough or sudden.. I thought it was interesting that you chose Dean to come live with the Weasleys and be with Ginny (or so I assumed so). Their relationship definitely seemed like it was over in HBP, but it's plausible that they got back together. I don't know how accepting Mr./Mrs. Wealsey would have been with Ginny a) dating Dean after Harry (they loved Harry!) and b) living under the same roof as her significant other without being married. This is all under the assumption that they're together. I suppose it all really depends on how welcoming the Weasleys are. They have been very so in canon, but I wonder if that would extend to Dean, I really do.
Harry's disappearing act seemed a little cliche to me. I feel like a lot of people have him run away after the final battle and then magically show up years later. Meanwhile, Ginny's been pining for him and he's never stopped loving her. It's just all very suspicious because canon Ginny, to me, always seemed like the type of girl who accepted things and moved on. I could see her being truly happy without Harry. I also think 12 years is a long time and that it would be ridiculously hard to build a relationship after all that time. Of course, you might not do this, but I'm just warning you against it.
Overall, a good job. Happy Holidays and keep writing!Author's Response: Thank you oh so oh so oh so much for the review! It really broadened my thinking on my story and how I want to furthur shape it. I really do think it would be unrealistic for Ginny to be all sad and still thinking of Harry and the whole Harry disappearing act, when I start to think about it in more depth, is a bit cliche. So I'm planning to change up my story a bit and revise the whole of chapter one. thank you soo much for this review, i truly appreciate all your thoughts. Report Review
Hi! You thought so highly of my reviews, I hope I don't disappoint you. Here's what I noticed about the first chapter:
Grammar: "Her ears where filled with the cries of small babies, sobs of mothers saying good bye to their children, young people shouting to each other as they reunited from two months apart." Grammar issue 1: 'where' should be 'were' (probably just a typo). Grammar issue 2: there should be a 'and' after that last comma. Also, I don't know if you know this or not, but it's common practice to start a new line every time a new character speaks. This just helps clarify things a little.
I would suggest getting a beta to look over your chapters after you write them (you can find one on the forums). There are quite a few typos/grammar problems that could be worked out.
Characterization: Hermione just seems so girly! She's all "squealy" and happy, which is certainly not how she's portrayed in canon. In canon, I could see her being excited about the new school year, but she'd be much more bookish and erious about it. I definitely think she would be more focused on Harry and Ron than on what's going on around her. She's very close to them, and even if this is a Dramione, you can't just erase that.
Draco just seemed so "fanon-asized"! Honestly ask yourself if, in his canon arrogance, he has ever made references to his looks or made lewd comments towards Hermione. He's arrogant and sees himself as being above her. He does not taunt her and try to flirt with her. The idea is just so un-Draco-like. Then his yelling at Pansy is even more unlikely. He let her stroke his hair in HBP, I don't think he's averse to her attentions at all. Neither do I think she lacks dignity (at least not in that way). True, she's nasty to Hermione, but that doesn't make her desperate and pathetic. Please don't succumb to the cliches by making Pansy overly clingy, Draco a playboy and Hermione secretly girly and in love with him.
Plot: Think about the person you hate most in the whole world. Not like some political figure, but someone you personally know and hate. IF you heard them crying their sleep, would you cry for them? Um...no! True, you would feel a little conflicted and bad, but you wouldn't be sobbing because they're apparently in pain. They're horrible to you and put you in pain. Don't make Hermione weak like this, it's insulting to her.
Writing Style: It's easy to read (which is a compliment, don't worry). It's not dull and I'm able to understand what you're saying without rereading everything multiple times. However, try to sound less "oh my gawd!" sometimes; it'll make the story sound more mature and it'll make the emotions hit that much deeper.
Overall, it was good. Just keep writing/working on it!Author's Response: Oh hi! What a wonderful review! :D
Grammar: Yeah, I know there are a few of them... I'm not English, so I'm constantly working on it, that Beta idea didn't sound half bad ;) The thing with speaking, yeah, I noticed. I started with it further out in the story, chapter two or three, I will get it fixed in this one too!
Characterisation: Hermione's part. Yeah, I know, she is more bookish. But also, her dream has come true, wouldn't she a bit more girlish then? But I'm glad you said, I will have a look at it!
Draco. Yeah, he is my biiig problem. I think I'll just re-write the whole chapter one, because I just couldn't seem to get it right... One thing though, Draco has serious issues in my story, so you have to understand, Draco needs some time. He feels that Pansy is clingy, because he has a lot of issues. Can't explain it properly, would been a spoiler. But thanks, I'll have a look at that too!
Plot: I've had some comments on this one. Actually, I feel like re-writing the whole fic right now. Because it is so rushed and wrong and it makes me squirm in my seat. It is not because of your review, honest, I'm just really not pleased with it. I'll have a really good look at that one too!
Writing style: Well, I'm glad that there is at least one decent thing about it! I'll go look at the chapter, right now.
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I really appreciate it, and I love that you are so honest about it!
Padfooty Report Review
Ok, good job so far! Here are the things I noticed:
1) I loved the beginning dream sequence. It really made me laugh, which is a great accomplishment. The whole Prince Charming thing was pure genius. "Wasn’t I supposed to look up into his blue eyes?"--just lovely! It really made me want to read the rest of the story because if that's what the beginning was, the rest must be amazing!
2) “Whatever floats your boat, sir.” That sounded a little too flip for a student to be telling a professor. From what I've gathered, the Hogwarts students are very respectful of the professors (calling them 'sir', etc.) That's why it's always such a big deal when Harry and Ron talk smack to Snape. So having your character be "cheeky" kinda sets her up to be a Mary Sue. It also doesn't help that she's a Slytherin whose nice and friendly, and who Slughorn doesn't like; you're practically setting her up to stand out from all the other students.
Plus, she's trying to do the whole "I don't care what the teachers say"-rebel thing, which is just ridiculous. It's like her character is trying too hard to get the readers to like and idolize her. And I also want to know how her grades could be so low, but she could still be in N.E.W.T. potions. It's only supposed to be for the brightest students, and if Aryana is falling by the wayside academically...
3) "The old bat was no other than Slughorn himself, as he is the one that makes my life hell. If you ask me, he should be proud that he managed to get on the top of my killing list in only 15 minutes." This bit was kinda confusing. If Slughorn consistently makes her life hell, then how did he just make her killing list? I feel like he would've already been on it if she always has to suffer because of him.
4) Haha, oh Remus!
So you're off to an interesting start. The plot seems relatively original, although the tutoring leading to romance thing not so much. I do enjoy the Remus/OC main pairing, since it's usually done in conjunction with a Lily/James or a clever Sirius/OC. Aryana seems a little too Mary-Sue for my tastes, but I'm sure some of her more endearing characteristics will emerge eventually.
Good job! Report Review
Ok, this story is certainly taking some very interesting twists and turns!
Grammar: It's a little off, but nothing too bad. Just make sure you watch where those commas go (sometimes you have too many) and try to cut down on those run-on sentences (it's easier to just make them two separate ones).
Bethe: She seems like a very nice character, but I see no negative traits! She's always very kind, she's strong, she's intelligent, she's well-mannered, and--oh, look at that! She's secretly a witch! And not just a witch, a Seer/descendent of Cassandra Trelawney! Haha, I don't intend to be mean, just to point out that maybe she has a little too many good traits. She's very nice, but her perfectness doesn't make her too likeable as an OC...I can't relate to her.
Tom and Merope: Honestly, they're both too likeable for my tastes. Neither of them were admirable characters in HP, and I think you've heroized (I made up that word) them a little. Merope is a little too brave, intelligent, well-mannered, etc. and Tom seems to be far too considerate of others. While I understand your attempt to make their story a love story, a major element of their marriage was that it was all fake! Tom had no feelings for Merope, and she was more obsessed with him than in love. It's a very twisted and disturbed love, which is why is produced Voldemort.
Cecilia, Rose, and John: What little we've seen of them so far, I've really enjoyed. They're like the poor ignorant Muggles that'll have their lives ruined by the wizards. *Evil laugh*...but seriously, I like their characterization.
Plot: Very original. Not too many authors tackle this sad sad story, and it's very brave of you to take it on. I definitely love the way you've fleshed it all out and made a real story of it. Even though I know how it ends, I'm interested to see what happens.
Writing Style: You certainly keep my interest, but try to work on your descriptions a little more. You tend to glance over things and emphasize the plot a lot, which isn't bad, but sometimes it would be nice to delve into the feelings of the characters and the atmosphere of the setting.
Overall a really good job!Author's Response: Hi again! Thanks for these comments! :)
I will go back and check over the grammar, definitely. I tend to get a little carried away with writing the story sometimes and don't pay attention to the details as much as I should. :) I need to proofread anyway!
Thanks for saying that about Bethe. I don't see any bad qualities in her either, really. I've planned for her to be the descendant of Cassandra Trelawney since before I started writing this story; I assure you it didn't just come into my head one moment when I was thinking "Hmm how Mary-Sue can I make this character?" ;) The point of Bethe (or one of the points, I should say) is to be a foil for Merope. She's a woman who has had a significantly greater amount of privilege when it comes to education and family, and she serves as a sisterly figure (as well as a harbinger of what's to come). I'll try to make her as human as possible in the future, and you'll definitely see some more realistic traits in her in the next chapter. Thanks for telling me!
Hahaha again, you're making your own assumptions based on a few threads given out by JKR! The thing about Merope Gaunt's story is, nothing is ever specifically stated except a few facts: she's a poor girl oppressed by her father. She falls in love with a rich Muggle. She elopes with said Muggle, using a love potion. Muggle leaves her, and she dies giving birth in an orphanage. That's it! Everything else is speculation. I understand that you've come to the story with preconceived ideas about what really happened - but so have I. This is simply what I imagined: Merope's a powerful witch (I think this was even spoken by Dumbledore at one point) whose powers were suppressed, and I assumed that her education had been suppressed as well. Tom is a rich, snobby, arrogant guy, but I imagine that he wasn't happy and content with his picture-perfect life; that underneath the impeccable manners and the looking-down-on the peasants, he was trapped and restless. I'm trying to develop him more in my story, to make him not just that cliche, Draco-Malfoyesque character that saves a woman, really saves her in every sense of the word, and then leaves her.
I have been advised to keep going deeper in the characters' feelings before, so I will definitely take your words into account. I do tend to concentrate on the plot too much!
Thank you thank you for these amazing reviews. It's very refreshing to hear your opinion, and I'm really happy that you didn't hold anything back and just let me know what you thought. That helps so, so much! :) Thanks once again!! Report Review
Ok, main points for this chapter:
1) Random, but I really like the person you chose for Tom Riddle in the chapter image. He looks exactly like how I would have imagined him. And the Merope is quite good as well, but she seems a little too pretty! :)
2) Merope seems way too intelligent for me. I know she's been sneaking off to get reading lessons (which I think makes her seem far too brave, but that's another story), but all of a sudden she's this little genius with perfect manners and the like? I understand her magic improving, that's probably due to her raised self-confidence, but I feel like the rest is a bit much. I've always seen Merope as a very tragic character, with none too many good traits working for her. You've made her a little too much of a hero, and I'm a little uncomfortable with it.
3) Sorry to bring it up again, but Tom seems way too polite in this chapter! He wouldn't have gained his horrible reputation if he called village girls by their real names and treated them as human beings. :)
4) It's interesting to hear that Bethe is an orphan...did she grow up in the same orphanage that Voldemort later does?
Good job so far!Author's Response: Hey! Oh thank you, I think Hugh Dancy makes a great Tom Riddle Senior as well. :) And I agree, she's way too pretty for Merope, but I never thought of Merope as a hideous one-eyed crone, she's just a girl who didn't have the means to take care of herself. I'm sure she would clean up nicely though ahaha. :)
Thanks for your opinion! Again, this is only my personal interpretation of a part of canon that we never heard about. I think the problem is that JKR provided only a few key scenes from which many different assumptions are made. This is my version of what happened, and I don't think Merope was by any means, unintelligent. Uneducated and unintelligent are two different things, and I personally believe she was the former. Having a good friend in Bethe has made her more confident, has shown her that she is worth something and that her father's treatment of her is wrong, which encourages her to come into her own. You'd be surprised how strengthening friendship is, in fiction and in the real world. Moral support can definitely help courage blossom, which is what Merope has experienced so far. I understand your feelings on that though, thanks for sharing them with me! This is great!
Don't apologize! Tom is very polite. Just because you're a wealthy snob doesn't mean you can't have impeccable manners. ;) He's been raised as a country gentleman, and he speaks to everyone with the well-bred manners he has always been taught. I'm inclined to disagree, I think he would sooner call a peasant girl "Merope" than "Miss Gaunt." :) By addressing a strange girl with a first name, he's implying that he is on a higher level than her - so actually that isn't really polite. What's interesting is that Merope turns it back on him and calls him "Tom," when normally most peasants refer to him as "Master Tom" or "Master Riddle." He's really surprised by that.
And again, the horrible reputation ... I think he got that reputation for leaving his wife, not for anything he did before that. ;)
Good question! Nope, Bethe did not grow up in the same orphanage.
Wow thanks again for this amazing review! I appreciate hearing your opinions, this is some awesome feedback. :) Report Review
Sorry I didn't review the first few chapters, I wanted to get the feel of the story before commenting...sometimes the first chapters can be misleading, although this story is very consistent, which is a good thing.
Some things I noticed from this chapter:
1) I love the mention of "the faintest star of Pleiades" I actually didn't know that Merope meant that, and it's a perfect fit. Gotta love JKR's choice in names.
2) Your characterization of Tom is certainly interesting. From what I remember of GoF, I viewed him as a slight more antagonistic character than you're portraying him. I just don't know if he would be interested by Merope no matter how "mysterious" she appeared to be. I always got this impression that the Riddles were incredibly snobbish and didn't notice anything but themselves. I always thought that the whole point of his character was to show how an absent father could wreck a person, but that's just my opinion.
3) Maybe it's just me, but I can't help see the intense similarity between the Riddles and the Malfoys: the doting mother, the proud/slightly bossy father, and the obnoxiously spoiled son. The main difference is that (at least I think) Lucius and Narcissa love each other, while Thomas and Mary cannot stand each other. Maybe that's why the Malfoys can always come back after the Voldemort's downfalls, but the Riddles were exterminated. Hmm.interesting to think about...
4) Ooh, the Tom/John feud is very interesting. Especially since we know that Tom's going to leave Cecilia and she'll probably go running to John. It also adds to the tragedy of the story, because she truly loves Tom, just as Merope does, which makes Merope's future actions even more reproachable. I really like the layers you're weaving into the story.
5) I don't know, but I felt like Morfin's character is a little too intelligent and sane in this story. He seemed so much more...out of it in HBP. Maybe you can make him more rambling and crazy?
Good job so far!Author's Response: Whoa thank you for such an in-depth review! I really appreciate it! :)
I love JKR's choice of names too; everything is so well-researched and thorough, and there are so many parallel storylines that really make her characters unique and yet familiar at the same time. I love the name Merope. :)
The thing about Tom Riddle Senior is that we don't know anything about him. It's only ever assumed that he's a rich, snobby, arrogant person; it's never spoken by anyone who knew him personally. I think Tom in my story is still rich, snobby, and arrogant, but you have to remember that these people are also human. They also have the capability to love (once they deem someone worthy of it), they have feelings, they have hopes and dreams. I tried to convey a sense of being trapped into Tom's character. He's got a wonderful life, but it's all planned out for him. He needs excitement, he is interested in anything different and mysterious, and Merope is certainly that. She represents a whole different side of life to him, and he can't help but be intrigued by her.
And you mentioned the "absent father" idea that can wreck a person, which is really insightful and which is what JKR almost certainly intended for Voldemort. So I wouldn't assume, just from reading what I have written so far, that I intend Tom and Merope to have a happy ending different from what happened in canon. ;) Everything that happened will still happen, I assure you, I am a huge stickler for canon details.
You're not the first to mention the similarity to the Malfoys! I never even thought of them while I was writing the Riddles. I guess it's because they are rich and snobby and have one son. :) I also think the Malfoys loved each other, like you, and Thomas and Mary hate each other's guts. Also, Thomas is an extremely doting father to his son Tom, while Lucius is distant and cold to Draco.
And you're also not the first to comment that Morfin is a bit too smart. Thanks for pointing that out! He is a little less crazy and a little more creepy; I think I was focusing on the creep factor more than the insane factor. I didn't want him to be more sympathetic than Merope, I guess.
Thanks for this review, I appreciate it! :D Report Review
I'm sorry, but from the start your story seems immersed in cliches. Calling Harry, Ron, and Hermione the "Golden Trio" is not something that screams originality. And the idea that Draco has had a crush on Hermione since 4th year is just ridiculous, it really is. It was even more painful as you had Draco go on to describe her dress and what she was wearing. How many straight 16-year-old boys do you know who spend that much time looking at what a girl is wearing and would describe it to such detail?
Draco's character is a bit off as well. I never really saw him as the type of person who would confide every one of their secrets to another, especially to another male Slytherin. Him and Blaise do not have that close of a relationship from what we see in the series, so it makes me suspicious when you have Draco bashing his two friends and falling in love with this random guy. He obviously cared about his friends because he was in total anguish when Crabbe died in DH. His spiel about not joing Voldemort is ridiculous as well. Draco's always going on about the glory, etc. of serving Voldemort; true, he doesn't have the guts to actually do it, but please don't make him downright hate Voldemort. It's just a way to soften him up for Hermione and it totally destroys his character.
Do you really think Lucius abused Draco? Come on, now. He got so worked up in DH, trying to figure out what had happened to Draco in the castle that Voldemort had to actually restrain him and Narcissa from going in to find him. I highly doubt an abusive father who was only concerned about Voldemort would be that worried about his son. And, as a sidenote, The Order wasn't resurrected until the summer after 4th year, so it's actually impossible for him and Blaise to have been a part of it since 4th year.
The grammar looked great to me, so great job on that...grammar's a hard thing to great perfectly right. However, the idea behind a masquerade ball, etc. has been kinda overused, but I think the way you're portraying it could be very interesting. I would just suggest that you go back and fix many of the glaring cliches that retract from this chapter. I mean, that is if you are trying to portray a canon Draco...but I didn't see any mention of Alternate Universe, so I'm going to have to think that you are trying to portray a canon Draco.
Good job overall...just take a look at the few things I mentioned.Author's Response: Hmm, as much as I hate to say, I do agree with you, but on the other hand, I don't.
On agreeing, yes, I started off with the many cliches you find in any other stories but as I said in the chapters later on, it is a combination of a few cliches but it ends in a totally different way. I feel bad myself for having cliches in my story, but I promise my readers, I want a totally different ending than the rest of the stories.
On the other hand, I don't quite agree with you, honestly speaking. I'd say that of course, this is my story, and I am strongly not a "canon freak" which is why I do not keep everything as canon as possible.
Glad that you think grammar's good. I worked really hard on it, so thank you very much. :) Report Review
Wow, I don't really have too much to say because that was really quite good. Montgomery seems to be a nice leading guy. He's cocky, but in that cute, kinda irritating way, not the horrible, jerky way. However, his confession seemed a little too sincere. Teenage boys are usually pretty awkward when they're reciting heart-felt emotions. It was, however, very cute and I was ready to fall for him.
Evonne seems a little crazy, but very realistic. It's nice to see you using the fact that people need time to process things. Many stories have people getting sudden revelations and the like while they're in school. Not all teenagers find love at first sight while in school. Most relationships are nice, but not the mind-blowing connections that the media tries to convince us are the norm.
And, of course, I'm very glad that Evonne won the Quidditch match, even if she is a Slytherin (a very interesting character choice by the way)
Happy Holidays!Author's Response: Yes, Slytherin and Ravenclaw. I like what you have interpreted by my characters - I wish I had my own Ajax, but we can't all have our wishes. I know this sounds Mary-Sueish, but Evonne is like all of the worst parts of me combined with a prettier face and better hair and an even dimmer knowledge of the people around her.
If that makes any sense.
Hi! I really enjoyed this story. Unfortunately, I think the lack of reviews is only due to your use of less popular minor characters. I really wouldn't worry about it. Here's are some things I noticed while reading:
1) Your descriptions were awesome. That first paragraph especially was wonderfully worded. "It wove around hillsides and was swallowed by great hills and valleys"--great stuff! It could be seen as a little too much to describe a train's movement, but I think it works at the beginning of the story to draw the reader in.
2) I don't think your grammar is too bad at all! Trust me, I've seen much much worse. The only thing is that you tend to overuse commas. If you use Microsoft Word to write, there is a grammar check that works pretty well with commas. Usually, less is more, but if your sentence looks long, put one in. I know that's not very technical, but comma use is really complicated and I can't really explain it, especially since I'm no expert myself.
3) Nice bit of juxtaposition there with the dwarf as gameskeeper. He contrasts nicely with Hagrid the half-giant. Your description of the dwarf sounded oddly like Flitwick to me. Was he?
4) Hufflepuff, eh? Nice choice! There are far too many OCs who end up in Gryffindor that I'm sure the other Houses have complained. It adds an interesting side to Porpentina because we don't know too much about Hufflepuffs. Yes they are loyal, hardworking...but the Sorting Hat also says that Helga Hufflepuff just "took the rest" of the students who didn't fit into one of the other houses. It's definitely some food for thought!
Overall, a great great job. It was very interesting to read about a OC who would be paired with a minor character!
Happy Holidays!Author's Response: Thank you very much for such a helpful review.
I'm glad that you liked my descriptions, it seems to be something that many reviewers pick up on in my fics, so I must be doing something right. But I completely agree with you that it could possibly be too much, but quite frankly I like it, so nothing is going to change with it. :P I like to write some fancy opening paragraph at the beginning of a fic.
Commas, they are the bane of my life. It seems that I can never use them properly, I either use them too much or not enough. The thing is that I have never learnt how to use punctuation properly besides capital letters and full stops, since I am past that sort of age to learn it, it is something very hard to try and get your head around! I will try and keep your tip in mind though, I just hope that i don't go back to not putting in enough!
The dwarf isn't actually Flitwick though in my mind he is very similar. I thought it would be nice to put in a tiny gamekeeper when we have only seen Hagrid before, it will be interesting to write a scene with him in the Forbidden forest. :)
Good old understated Hufflepuffs, I really feel for the characters in that house, because they get no credit in the books. None of the main characters are from Hufflepuff, why? And when I read about Hufflepuff OCs in fanfiction it seems to be a very flat house, all of the people are just simply nice and basically pushovers! I want to add another dimension to the house, which you may catch the glimmer of from the other Hufflepuff girl mentioned.
So yes, thank you once again for your review. It is nice to know that I haven't gone terribly wrong! Just to let you know that Porpentina is not actually an OC, she is mentioned in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt (J.K.Rowling) Scamander, so she is in fact a real character with but one mention to her name.
Happy Holidays. Report Review
Hi! Ok, this was a great one-shot. Here are some things I picked up on:
1) I found that you tended to repeat a lot of words while you were describing things. An example of this is the "thus" you used at the end of the first paragraph and the "thus" you used in the second sentence of the second paragraph. They are very close together and sound kind of jarring. Sometimes you might find one word that you want to use for everything, but resist the temptation. Try using a thesaurus (I use an online one) sometimes, I've found that it really helps when you're stuck on one word and want to use another one.
2) Regulus's cold grey eyes. I'm sorry, but how many times can you mention that his eyes were cold and grey? Please edit some of them out! They're so repetitive that I found myself getting annoyed at Scarlett for obsessing over one little detail. Or if that's the point, please use other words for his eyes or some other description!
3) The romance scene with Regulus was beautifully written. I was write there with Scarlett, aching for him to kiss her. Excellent excellent job there. Don't be surprised if I come for you for help on romance scenes! :)
4) The fact that it was a dream really jarred me. I was so into the scene and the romance and the heat...and then it was all a dream. I was like "oh." I felt emotionally spent after that and I wasn't it the ending as much as I could have been. I know you probably can't change it, but if you could maybe make it a flashback or something, I would feel less cheated.
And then the ending just messed me up even more. So it really did happen? It was a rather poor ending to a wonderful piece. I really don't think there was a need to confuse the reader twice in a short time frame. I was just left feeling empty at the end, to be honest with you.
Great job (besides the ending)! Report Review
Wow, you certainly gave the reader a lot to think about...hmm
I think you're doing a good job. Just fix up your grammar a little, spicen up your descriptions, and tighten up your characters and you'll have a real jewel on your hands.
Good luck and happy holidays!Author's Response: Yay. Alrighto ma'am! I shall take in all your pointers while writing the chapters to come!! Thank you SOO much for those suggestions! Happy holidays to you too!! Report Review
Main Points for the Chapter:
1) "Famous ferret of their age" Oh my goodness, if I could kill whoever first decided to use that phrase to describe Draco. It's so...immature. I mean, yes, he was turned into a ferret once by Mad-Eye Moody who was really Barty Crouch Jr., but it's not a huge part of his personality. Harry, Ron, and Hermione do not think of him in those terms after the incident (although they might think of it fondly when thinking foul thoughts towards Malfoy). I really really suggest you stop calling Draco a ferret since it will detract from your story.
2) Interesting debate that Hermione has. I was very started when she killed him, but I'm glad you made it simply a dream. Perhaps it echoes one part of her subconcious, the part that she's keeping suppressed, which is what dreams usually do. So kudos on that!
3. However, I found the transition from the dream to waking was a little confusing. At first I thought the whole Ron-dying thing was a dream as well and I thought that this was a rather silly and drawn out dream. Perhaps you could add a bit where Hermione thinks it's all just a dream before finding/seeing something that shows her that Ron dying and Voldemort winning have both actually happened.
4. "Await your death for there is no stopping me anymore" Um, I'm sorry, what teenage girl do you know who says things like that in all seriousness? I know it's not vitally important, but I made a face when I read it, so I thought you would want to know.
I wasn't too fond of this chapter...there was too much confusion. I also felt that it had no point in the story. When writing chapters, it's always best to have the chapter do something for the story: develop a character, move along the plot. This chapter didn't do any of those things except express Hermione's doubt...whoo-hoo! (that was sarcastic, by the way)Author's Response: O_O
1) It is just one reference, I didn't repeat it over and over again. Just cuz it is a sensitive spot with Malfoy I thought it'd be amusing to use it. But I'll bear in mind for future stories!
2) Yay for t his one!
3) Interesting idea! Maybe I'll consider it while editing the whole story ^_^
4) ....And that....*blush* It was supposed to be melodramatic, but I guess it didn't fit into the situation eh? I dunno. I just liked that one bit.
And dang. I wanted to show Hermione's feelings, and I guess that was why. Anyways, again, I'll bear it in mind for future chapters! Report Review
Oh wow! That was definitely not what I was expecting. Here's what I've ascertained so far in the story (I may be wrong, but this is the impression I've gotten): This takes place during their 7th year, except Harry and Ron have gone off Horcrux hunting. Voldemort is steadily taking over, and Hermione hasn't seen Ginny in a while. One morning, after over sleeping, Hermione comes down to see the school deserted and Voldemort, apparently, victorious. Now Draco is in the school with a possible hidden agenda. Ron is dead/out of the picture, supposedly because of Harry. And Harry wants Hermione to kill Draco for him.
Ok, if this is all true, I have a couple points to make:
1) Why in the world would Harry and Ron go off Horcrux hunting without Hermione? And how in the world did she let them leave? They all know that she is the brains in this operation and I can't see the two of them lasting very long without her. I can see why you would write it like that, but it makes the story so ridiculous because that would never never happen.
2) Ok, you killed Ron off. Now, I'm not a big fan of Ron, but I think you're kinda just taking the easy way out by getting Ron out of the picture. I feel like it forces Hermione to choose Draco by eliminating her natural romantic choice. The romance would be that much stronger if she had Ron and chose to give him up for Draco. That way the reader feels like Hermione's actually picking him, instead of just falling for whoever's left alive.
3) I found the request at the end so interesting because it reminded me of the play, Hamlet, by Shakespeare. I don't know how familiar you are with the plot of Hamlet, but the ghost of his father appears to him at the beginning of the play and tells him to avenge his murder by killing Claudius (Hamlet's uncle/the ghost's brother). Anyways, the entire plot is fueled by Hamlet's attempts to follow out his father's orders in conflict with his anger at his mother (less so than at Claudius, who married her after his brother's death). This all leads to his ruin, which makes me speculate about Hermione and what her choices will lead to. I don't know if that's what you intended, but it's all very interesting...
So here's my assessment of the plot so far: as far as I can tell, the basic premise is unique for Dramiones. However, you are bordering the line of cliched romances. They are the only two left alive, the hate each other, then grow to like each other after almost killing each other, etc. So just be sure to make your characters have depth and not be the one-dimensional puppets that haunt the Dramiones on this site.
Good progression!Author's Response: Well...apart from the fact that Voldemort is still not victorious, everything else is just like you've said. Oookk. There are so many pointers which I need to answer here. w00t!
1) Well...I did mention Harry's feeling on that one, but more will be explained about it as we progress. Itz still a short story.
2) LOL. You're right. I just can't portray Ron to be evil and stupid and all that stuff. So the best way was to kill him off. Though I couldn't say more on this one. That was my original plan. But only for a bit.
3) Oh. I haven't read Hamlet at all. So I think it just came to me :)
Thank you so much for those pointers!! I'll take in your suggestions and work on them :) Report Review
From the start, I noticed the foreshadowing in this chapter. It was mix of that and dramatic irony, since the audience knows that Hermione is about to do the very thing that she claims she never will. It's a great way to draw readers in because they want to watch what her reaction is to being the thing she detests.
Haha, poor Lavender. The sad part is that she sounds an awful lot like I do when discussing the Twilight series. Eek, I've never realized how...vapid I sounded. But nice contrast between Hermione and Lavender. Quick question though: how are Lavender and Parvati supposed to contine a conversation if Parvati is asleep? :) A little food for the brain there...
I really love the setup you have to the whole situation. I was just as shocked as Hermione was when she realized that nobody was there. You portrayed her hassled state so well that I had totally forgotten what the plot was supposed to be (and was therefore surprised).
Ahh, of course...it would be Malfoy!
A very interesting start. Like you said, the grammar needs a little bit of help, but for such a short chapter it is quite intriguing.Author's Response: Wow. That was a very quick review!! w00t! Thank you SO much for dropping by.
LOL. You must read some of my reviews to know that I sound pretty much like her, but I wanted to show her to be shallow but I don't think every person who sounds that way is shallow :D
Oh. About Parvati...she was in conversation before, but now she fell asleep...that was what I wanted to say ^_^
Thank you SO much for the review. Heh. This chapter was Beta read though O_O Report Review
I thought it was wonderful! Very cute and very in the spirit of Caro and Charlie. My only complaint is that it gives away the ending of your other story, doesn't it? Now we know that Caro and Charlie end up ok...kinda ruins the suspense. But now I can properly enjoy it without worrying that they are not going to end up together. Great job, I loved it!Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. It does give away a little bit (hence the spoiler warning) but there's so much still to come between now and the end of the story... I hope you'll enjoy the ride =D
Happy Holidays!!! Report Review
I think the idea behind this was very cute and thought out. There were multiple grammatical mistakes that sort of took away from the story, though. I would suggest maybe getting a beta to read over the chapter to smooth out any weird bits. I really loved Ron and Hermione's connection: it was adorable. However, I would caution you on being a little too cheesy (ex: their telepathic connection). There's a line between cute and outrageous, so just be careful to stay on the right side of it. I know it's tempting to make them have the perfect relationship, but real relationships aren't that flawless. Readers will connect better to your characters if you can keep them realistic.
The humor between the vicar, Harry and Ron certainly lightened the mood, but I wonder if it was slightly misplaced. Perhaps it would have been better before the dramatic aisle-walking or after the wedding; at the moment I feel that there would be too much "dramaticness" in the air for them to joke around like that. Your creative additions to the wedding ceremony were very interesting to read about, but perhaps you could have added more detail or back drop to them. I was slightly confused since I didn't know about them. I would suggest working on describing things so that readers who are unfamiliar with the inner workings of your mind have a way of understanding why the characters are doing what they are doing.
Overall it was a nice story. Good job!Author's Response: Thank you for the critique. I will take those suggestions under advisement and work on remedying the flaws.
Omg, amazing as usual. This fic has the amazing quality of making me blush and coo at the same time. The things James thinks are what we all think, he just has the misfortune of spilling his guts to the readers. I really adored the way you wrote the kissing scene because it was sexy and tasteful at the same time, while being really realistic too. So many first kisses in stories are perfect, but in real life you're mind is kinda all over the place because you have no idea what the hell you're doing.
I also adored the extra bits we got about Tegan's personality in this chapter. I love the bit about "foliage" because her reaction makes me think we'd be really good friends. She kinda reminds me of Donna (the red-head who went blonde later in the series) from That 70s Show. Just the dating the slightly effeminate main character (Eric/James) and the kinda masculinity and being best friends before dating. But I love Donna, so I love Tegan (btw, I love that name as well!) I also liked the fact that she kinda took charge with the kiss(es). It was a great "whoo-hoo" moment; if this was a movie, I think that would be the moment when the audience started clapping, even if the movie wasn't over. It's just an awesome feel-good moment.
Wow, I'm rambling a lot; this is just such a fun fic. Great job, I can't wait to read more!
P.S. If you're gonna ask about "Lost at Sea," my answer is the next chapter will be up by Christmas. If you weren't gonna ask: sorry for spamming up your review! :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review! I loved writing the snogging scene since I think a lot of people didn't see it coming. Glad you liked it! Though I didn't really intend for it, Tegan's turning out to be very much like me. "Foilage" and "liberry" drive me mental. Wow, I never really connected her and Donna, but they are a lot alike! Wow, this fic is kinda sorta a lot like That '70s Show. Haha, I actually think of my stories as if they were movies or TV shows. I try to look at things from a perspective of a director, for no particular reason, I suppose. Lol, I probably would have started nagging you about Lost at Sea pretty soon ;). I hope NaNoWriMo was fun for you and I'm even more excited for Christmas now! Report Review
Sorry it took me ridiculously long to check this out, but it is HILARIOUS! The name is absolutely fabulous and the spelling made me want to throw up. This is absolute genius in its horribleness. Are you gonna continue it?
P.S. The cliches are so poorly written.great job!Author's Response: Perhaps, eventually, one day, it will get another chapter. I'm just now getting back into writing after a months-long hiatus, but eventually there will be a continuation.
Thank you so much for enjoying this Report Review
Aw, this is really cute! Slightly awkward, but quite charming. Good job!Author's Response: Aw. Thank you. I believe I'm reading one of your stories right now. Oh wait, yes I am. I think you're a wonderful author and it's very touching that you've reviewed something of mine. *fangirl squee* This is almost as good as the one time Libba Bray replied to one of my e-mails. *breathes really hard* Report Review
Ok, I can't deny it: I LOVE this story. It's so light-hearted and ridiculous that it's absolutely phenomenal. At first, I thought it was silly and that James was really air-headed. But then I realized he was fantastically airheaded in the way Cher is in Clueless (if you've never seen the movie, you absolutely HAVE to). From the outside, they sound like the type of person whose hair you'd like to rip out, but in actuality they are the most engaging characters you will ever meet.
I'm so glad that Tegan said yes! Whoo-hoo! It makes me want to dance around and melt of happiness at the same time.which I don't think is healthy.
Basically, this is like my new favorite story and you have to keep updating (because we both know I stink at it). 10/10Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I started this story on a whim and always wanted it to be a tad stupid, but for reasons unknown to me, it's caught on. Wow, I never really thought of the parallels between James and Cher (of COURSE I've seen Clueless--love it!), but they are pretty similar. They're almost brilliant in their idiocy. Almost ;). There was never any doubt in my mind that Tegan was going to say yes. I think a basis of close friendship results in the strongest romantic relationships, plus it's realistic. Wow, it's weird when the authors of some of my favorite stories favorite my own fic, but I can't complain! I shall certainly keep updating, and I know your NaNo is going to be awesome! Even if it's pushing back the next chapter of Lost at Sea. Report Review
You're English is really disjointed and hard to follow...are you not a native English speaker? I would suggest going to the forums and getting a beta to look over your work. Betas are like editors who can go through chapters and point out areas where your writing is confusing, etc.
Good luck writing!Author's Response: Hi,wicKeDwitch1316
Thanks for your advice. Yeah, my native language is not English. I'm sorry for that. I'll remake my work. I know my english too bad and i'm trying my best. Thanks :)
Aww, I thought it was very well-written. I like that you put Oliver through the "agony" of falling for a non-Quidditch lover. However, I kinda felt that you revealed that Jane was a witch a little too quickly. It just seemed odd and a little cliched. Besides, that it was absolutely lovely. Great job!Author's Response: I totally know what you mean. This was for a challenge so it was sort of half-done-quick. But thanks for the review! Report Review
Wow, um, that was a really odd pairing! It was quite well-written, though, I would have believed it to be true if it hadn't been for that whole Witch Weekly article...that sorta fudged things up a bit. But I really liked it...and I'm usually not a fan of wacky pairings. Good job!Author's Response: -Shrugs- I am an odd writer. Really? When I have time, perhaps I could delete it or something. But then how would anyone find out about Crabbe or Hermione? 0-o This needs thought. Thanks so much! Report Review
Yeah, the FIRST thing I noticed was the lovely bit of Snape/Lily in there.if you weren't so fabulous, I'd be rather ticked off! :)
So I did really like this! Maybe I'm just in a really good mood today, but I find the idea of Sirius/Remus really sweet. I love the way you kept this nice and.innocent, but still made it totally romantic. I also liked how you kept the reader guessing as to who was the narrator in the beginning. It really could have been either Sirius or Remus...until you mentioned the werewolf thing.
Great job!Author's Response: Hehe...Sev/Lily is awesome. Just accept the truth ;D. Anyway, I'm really happy you liked it! And writing the POV in secret was really fun...I hoped that nobody would get it for a while. Thanks so much, Kav!
Diandra Report Review
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