Wow. That was really good!
I was slightly doubtful at first, reading about a (somewhat) pleasant day outside with the young Black family. No doubt, it was original, but I just didn't see it happening.
But as I read on, it started to evolve to a fantastic character piece that seemed incredibly likely. In fact, this is just so in character that when I read the books again, I'll probably consider this scene something that actually happened to the Black Family.
It was fantastic reading about the Black Family as children! Again, everyone was absolutely incredibly well written. Everyone who we 'know' was spot-on, especially as a 'child-version' of themselves and the people we haven't met were wonderfully written and a great way to think of them (I love the way you portrayed Andromeda!)
And so many times, people write Bellatrix either a) not crazy enough or b) someone who cackles way too often (there are other things she does besides cackle you know) and over-crazy. However, you seem to have found the perfect balance to her personality. And everything she does is spot-on, especially her personality in contrast to what is supposed to be 'innocent' snow ball fights :) It's really great!
You also mentioned that you were concerned with the descriptions. I think you did a fantastic job with them! Really - the setting, everyone in the snow, the scarlet gloves. It was all really fantastic. And you used some FANTASTIC parallels of their physical appearance to their personalities (Andromeda vs. Bellatrix's hair) and that added a lot to it. I could imagine everything and I thought your descriptions were GREAT. :) Definitely added a ton to your story.
Congratulations! This is definitely one of my absolute favorite Black Family character pieces. Great development, great characters! :)Author's Response: Wow, thank you! I know it starts out pleasant, and almost contrived, but I wanted it to quickly escalate into a battle of sorts. It all stemmed from a need to write Bellatrix, and I really get a kick out of imagining her as a young girl. Her cackles are a great addition, but I agree that they are not all she's made of! Thanks for the enthusiastic review! Report Review
Wow. I think you handled the sensitive subject matter exceptionally well. I don't think I ever really liked Ginny in the series, she was kind of just there and I accepted that. However, your story seemed to have made her a real person which I always found lacking in her character in the books. So congratulations on that -- she's really fantastic.
Your writing style is extremely unique. I can't quite put my finger on exactly what makes it so special, but you captured the moments and Ginny's thoughts rather perfectly. And this is such an interesting idea - I'm really looking forward to how you further explore it!
And your Tom is, in a way, more chilling than he was in the series! Like this, "Tom was with her again, whispering words of sweet terror; letting her know Ginny Weasley wasn’t worth inhabiting this body; that He would use it to perform great and righteous actions. He was laughing sweetly, wondering how little self respect she must have in order to dare show herself in public after what she had done..." Seriously, CHILLS.
Also, love the characterization of Ron. I tend to be bothered by authors who have to tell the reader what a character's personality is mostly because it chops the flow up, but how you did it with Ron (about him being unattached, etc.) seemed to have added to the flow of the first chapter and is brilliant!
Fantastic job! Looking forward to reading more of this :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for your kind review; makes me feel a lot more confortable!
I've always felt the same way about Ginny, which is mostly whay I wrote this; I wanted to give her a purpose even if it was just to satisfy myself!!
I was afraid I would make Tom feel a bit overboard so thanks for showing me I did it well afterall!
Again, thank you very much for this nice review, I will let you know when the second chapter is up; it'll be a bit different but is only one more step in Ginny's healing process.
Another great chapter! I'm really interested in finding out more about Rose's job.
I felt that maybe the pacing seemed a bit off. It just seemed to have moved from them meeting to them having coffee so fast. However, that might be an important part of the story (them getting together near the beginning) and it is your story and plot, so pace however you wish! :)
However, I am very suspicious of Adam's character. There's something about him I can't quite put my finger on...
Again, nice job! Report Review
Totally love your Lily! She's absolutely adorable :)
I tend to get turned off by fics where they have the narrator talk to the audience; however, you have a great talent for pulling it off and it comes off as endearing rather than bothersome. Definitely great writing!
I love the rest of your characters - Albus in particular - and being that I'm a giant Rose/Scorpius shipper I was happy to read that they were together!
Now, on to the brief constructive criticism: Though I love your entire Lily is talking to the audience thing, I wouldn't recommend you do the entire: "I haven't told you how he looks, have I? As I said before, the most striking feature of his face had to be his eyes." With your talent for writing, you could easily pull of incorporating the OC's (which I'm really looking forward to reading about) looks and personality into the story. For example, have Lily glance back to look at those eyes/smile again. It breaks the flow of a story when the plot stops, someone is described, then the plot continues.
Again, fantastic first chapter! I'm so glad that you request my review so I could find this! Favoriting :) Report Review
There we go! A better idea of the setting and it's a fantastic one! I think the different languages really work with the plot :)
The development of the characters/setting/and Charlie/Genevieve were great!
Again, great job! :)Author's Response: Yay! Oh yes, this setting was definitely interesting to write and explore. (: I really tried to incorporate the sense of foreign relationships if you get me.
Thank you so much again! Very much appreciated. :D Report Review
Ooh! Interesting start :)
I'm always up for a good Charlie/OC!
The plot and original character seem very interesting, so I'm looking forward to the development of both of those.
Also, the very brief introduction to Charlie was great! I can already tell that his character will be an enjoyable one!
However one quick and minor constructive comment. I felt that everything felt a little bit rushed. It would have been nice, especially for a story where we're unaware of the particular place it's taking place, to develop the setting and maybe a little background character. It just moved so fast from her waiting for her new boss to her meeting her boss to her seeing her cabin. Take your time with the plot, it will allow more room for development. :)
Again, great first chapter!Author's Response: Yay! I'm glad you like it so far (:
I really, truly enjoy writing Genevieve, but not more so than Charlie. Because he's such an underdeveloped character with not much known about him, it's fun for me to play around with him. (:
Hmmm... I agree with the whole rushing thing, but what is rushed isn't entirely all that important to the plot, which is why I haven't gone into full detail, except for her brief moment with Charlie *sigh*
Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate it! :D Report Review
Another fantastic chapter. I'm really enjoying the plot and the believability of it all.
The part where the Muggles were parading around with the wizard they had just killed nearly brought tears to my eyes.
Again, great job :)Author's Response: thank you so much. im so pleased you're enjoying it!!
i know - human beings really are the worst of creatures at times :(
xx Report Review
Interesting concept, very original!
I would recommend fleshing the chapters out more - some more insight on Blaise and Hermione's characters would be really interesting and would add a lot to your plot. :)
Again, very original!Author's Response: Thank you. I'll keep that in mind when writing the next chapter. Report Review
A very interesting plot! I like the fact that it's from Narcissa's point of view and I love (love!) your description of Bellatrix. It was really great.
Your characterization is no problem. However, I do have some suggestions. Your descriptions of things are great; however, I feel that they'll be even better if you made them flow from one idea to the next. For example, in this paragraph
"I reached Compartment 9 and slid open the door, threw my bag onto one of the seats and directed my trunk onto the luggage rack before lounging on the other seat. My feet pressed against the compartment wall next to the door. I wanted to fall asleep while the hordes of people boarded the train. My eyes closed lightly while I waited for the whistle and the engine to come alive."
I felt that it was (this is a bit of an exaggeration) listing the things she did in chronological order (however, with great descriptions) rather than telling a story. So watch out for that in the future!
Also, your descriptions of the Slytherin girls were interesting and fitting. However, I would have liked to have seen the background and personality being brought out as the characters and the plot were developed instead of being listed as an introduction to them.
However, I loved the last scene! It was fantastic and a great way to end the first chapter :) Report Review
An interesting first chapter!
I really liked the image you've created with Hermione coming into the office and the introduction to her job. Definitely some creative ideas there :)
I know that you're aware of this, but just wanted (briefly) to recommend you re-read over your chapter to correct grammar/spelling errors.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I'm working on getting a Beta and then i'll revise my chapter for sure. I'm glad you liked the imagery i used. Report Review
Again, enjoyable read!
The two things that really stand out as your strong points are the chemistry between the characters and how (because of the former) the dialogue flows extremely well between them all.
Keep it up!Author's Response: Thank you very much!!! Report Review
The plot is cute and this is definitely very enjoyable!
The banter is great between James's family and I think there are some parts that are really humorous, so nothing to worry about there!
However, I do want to point out a characterization concern. Though I understand the plot of this story is about being the girlfriend of James Potter, I really hope that you develop Drew's character as Drew rather than 'James Potter's girlfriend'. She does her quirky aspects, but a large part of her personality (purely based on the first chapter) seems to be based on James.
But besides that, an enjoyable read!Author's Response: Thanks so much for your opinion and advice, you will see Drew's character evolve in the next few chapters. I am glad that you found it enjoyable, thanks again:-D!! Report Review
A believable reaction to the letter from Hogwarts and the glimpse of Sirius is entertaining :)
The plot is also entertaining and the characterization all seems fair at this point :)
A cute ending to a light first two chapters!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks again :) I'm glad you think it's believable and that the plot and characterizations (which were my main concern) are alright!
Thanks again so much for reviewing! Report Review
An interesting first chapter. The characterization of Caprice is intriguing and I'm looking forward to learning more about her.
A bit on the short side, but gives a nice little preview for the future. I especially enjoyed the way you ended the chapter :)Author's Response: Thank you so much :) I'm glad it appealed to you! Yes it's a little short but it's a prologue so I'm hoping that it fulfils its purpose setting the story up. Anyway thank you s much for reviewing Caprice! hope you enjoy the rest of it :) Report Review
A very sweet story. I love the entire caterpillar thing, very creative! :)
This actually brought me a really nice sense of closure that I've never felt with the entire Remus, Tonks, and Teddy situation and it's fantastic!
I think you've got the general sense of emotions down and your style/syntax really creates an interesting atmosphere and is very enjoyable!
I look forward to reading more from you :)Author's Response: Thank You!
I'm glad you feel I wrote this right because I was a tad worried about this ^.^
thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I love this! :)
The ending was absolutely hilarious! I was laughing so loud my sister in the next room called out 'What are you laughing at?'
Again, congratulations on another fantastic chapter! Your descriptions of the setting are gorgeous and the characters are really starting to take form and I'm interested in what's going to happen with Rose and Scorpius AND the adventure/war.
Even though each review form (on hpff forums) takes up two chapters, I'll be continuing this story later on today. Again, great chapter and I'm looking forward to more!
Also, by the way, your description of Albus was great :)Author's Response: thank you!
hahahaa i have to have some funny stuff in here - otherwise, it's too serious for me to write! and they bounce off one another so well!
thank you so much!! I hope you enjoy the next few chapters!!
albus is love!
xx Report Review
Wow! Definitely a fantastic first chapter -- you've got me hooked and I'm looking forward to more :)
Your set-up is well-written. As a reader, I understand the severity of the situation and it's really, really realistic how you're going about, developing the plot.
Honestly, nothing negative that detracted from your story caught my eye, so I'll continue with the praise :)
You seemed to have set up everything (again) really, really nicely. And it's a fantastic idea!
I love your characterization of Rose and Scorpius (and Hugo!). Very realistic, and unique compared to a lot of other Next Generation fics and that makes this fanfic so much better! Originality is key, and you have definitely have that working for you :)
Also, you are a very talented writer. Love some of your descriptions, and again, the beginning explaination set-up was fantastic!
I'm definitely looking forward to reading the next chapter :)Author's Response: hi! thank you for coming to read this! i really appreciate it.
thank you so much for all your lovely comments- i can't think of anything to say in response other than I am thrilled you are enjoying it and that you like the characterisations.
and thank you -blush-
xx Report Review
Definitely an intriguing first chapter :)
I always love finding a well-written Oliver fic and that's exactly what this is :)
Your writing style and development is great - you find the balance between giving enough background information and keeping the current story moving (which I find many authors lack).
Also, I really enjoy your Oliver. He seems easy to relate to and is a really likable character so far. His reactions and such are believable and I'm really looking forward to see you develop his character further!
Perhaps it was because your Oliver character was so great, but Lori seemed to fall a bit ... flat. It might possibly be too soon to judge simply because you haven't gotten to the Lori development and that's totally understandable (being that this is the first chapter), but she just came off as a bit odd and forward and not exactly in an endearing way. I feel that there's a need to give some insight on her character in the next chapter to make her more likable, or at least relatable.
I also love this idea! A tad cliche (with the jealous teenager bit), but hey! who doesn't love a good cliche? :) And it looks like you're taking this on a completely different path than the usual 'making someone else jealous' plotline which, most of the time, leads to great results!
I'm looking forward to reading more! Great start! :)Author's Response: Thank you, that's good to hear :)
Haha, thanks! I'm glad you think so. And thank you for the great compliment, that's always a nice thing to hear!
I'm glad you like him! It's good to know that he seems easy to relate to. Hopefully he won't disappoint you in the future!
Hm, I see what you mean about Lori. But I suppose that's how Oliver sees her - as a rather strange and open, almost too confident girl whom he doesn't know but who seems to know more about him than he'd like. He's not exactly happy with her at the moment ;) I suppose Lori is a rather straightforward girl, which might be good, but not in Oliver's eyes right now. I'll definitely try working on making her more relateable, thanks for pointing that out :)
I'm glad you like the idea so far :) I realise that it's a bit cliche, but I needed a reason :P There's actually another reason, but it'll take some chapters to get there. I don't think this will take the usual path indeed, so hopefully, you and everyone else will like that :)
Thanks a lot for your review! Report Review
I finally got around to reading this :)
Anyways, loved the story!, especially the flashbacks, they were placed perfectly and helped the development of the characters - wonderful!Author's Response: Aw, thankyou. I'm happy to know that you find it, at least, half-way decent. Banner really makes it better. Thanks! Report Review
Love your story so far! Just be careful with your British Slang, it's correct, but you overuse it a bit too much.
Great job, though!Author's Response: Thanks! Thanks for the advise, I'll keep that in mind.
Thanks again! Report Review
I love this!! I was biting my lip, depressed through this entire chapter and the, 'I'm pregnant' cracked me up. Great job!Author's Response: Hmm, it's not intended to funny, really. But I'm glad that you liked it :) Report Review
I just realized you updated! So glad I checked. Anywho, I just love love triangles, and especially well-written ones. Great job as usual and keep it up! I'll be awaiting the next chapter.Author's Response: Oooooook! Actually the next chapter should be up in about a week...I'll probably be posting a new one-shot in the meanwhile, so keep an eye out! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Aww, I love Fred and Agnes. You've developed both of them so well, congrats! Anywho, great chapter and, as always, will be waiting for the next one. 10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much! :) Report Review
AHH! Great chapter and extremely well-written. btw, I loved the new banner! It's GORGEOUS!! Who's the girl in it?
And don't worry about getting the next chapter out, I want it, but I understand that you have your own life. Also, love your new site!Author's Response: Thank you. The girl is Shopia Bush from One Tree Hill. I'm so jealous of her. haha.
THank you! Glad you do!
um, who's your character? Report Review
Please update! This story is really amazing. I love the love-triangle you did, definitely interesting! 10/10Author's Response: Wow, thank you! As soon as my chapter gets validated for my other story, I'll post the next chapter. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
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