Hey, this is ThePirateGirl12 from the forums :) *waves*
Y'know, I've never read any fanfics in which Merope is featured, let alone the main character, so I think you did a great job capturing her mind set. Especially since she's a bit of a mysterious character. I loved the last line, I though it was really gothic, really sinister. I also thought your characterisation was brilliant, especially for Tom Riddle. I also really liked the bits with the lightening during the contractions, which kinda reminded me of Frankensein (the bit where the creature 'wakes'). It was really fitting for the birth of 'evil incarnate', y'know? Really foreboding.
I've got some constructive critisicm, so I hope you don't mind me mentioning them? I saw some grammer mistakes/things that could be worded differently. They aren't major things, y'know, probably just me nitpicking a little.
For example, second paragraph, "-she let out a yelp in pain cursing as she fell-". Here I think you could put "she let out a yelp of pain, cursing as she fell to her knees".
Perhaps the eighth paragraph as well, "-no more than a waste of space bringing pity to the name." Here I think it could say "-waste of space bringing shame on the family."
So yeah, they're just my personal oppinions, I hope that it can help in some way. Otherwise, I thought this was an awesome one-shot and, y'know, it's a real shame you haven't got more reviews; but don't let it get you down :)
~Pirate GirlAuthor's Response: YAY constructive critisism is always great!! :) Thanks i think i will go through within a month and touch it up a bit, this was for the writers duel and i needed to get it up ASAP!! Shame, thats the word i was looking for there!! you know when your writing and your like UGH WHAT IS THAT WORD!! lol thanks ill have to fix that!! :)
Thanks for all the possative remarks, i wrote this in less then two hours and i feel it is my best work so im really glad other people are liking it too!! ^_^ as you might have heard i am in love with Tom Riddle, so starting literally from his birth was something great! :) Im glad you liked it thanks again for the lovely review
Jess Report Review
Oh, man, I hate how brilliantly you write the death eaters. I loved the tone, the description, dialogue... and I especially liked the beginning. The beautiful, slightly gothic description set the scene wonderfully. I also really enjoyed the characterisation, especially of Bellatrix, whose one of my favourite characters from the books. I also thought the little plot teaser about Lucille 'toying' with Rabastan was good. I'm definitely intrigued by where this story could go :)
I think the only criticism I have is for the last little paragraph, which I felt was just a little clunky and didn't match up to the high level of writing that proceeded it. But, y'know, I'm probably just nitpicking a little. I hope you don't mind, because I loved it otherwise. In fact, I'm starting to feel my own story about the death eaters is completely substandard :S
But I'll definitely be adding this to my favorites list,
~Pirate Girl Report Review
Great second chapter, the detailed visuals of Morocco were brilliant, you sure did your research thoroughly. I could almost feel the heat of the place burning off each paragraph. And I sympathise with Rose; I despise the sun myself.
The fleshing out of the characters, and introduction of new ones, has worked really fluidly; I don't think it's slowing the plot down at all. I mean, it's just as important to get the reader emotionally invested in the characters, as it is writing a fast paced plot, y'know? I also really hope you keep adding in the funny, edgy dialogue and awkward situations presented by Rose and Scorpius being under cover :)
~Pirate GirlAuthor's Response: wow thank you! i really appreciate that, as it's so hard to write about a place you have never been!
thank you - you completely understood this chapter, as far as pace and characterisation goes and yes, there will be more banter. rose would allow for nothing different :P
thanks again hun!
xx Report Review
Ooh, it sent a chill right up my spine just reading the first few paragraphs. I can't wait to see where you go with this noir/adventure story line (so far, I think you have these genre down).
The exposition was brilliant, very dark, realistic and detailed, without becoming boring or cliched, y'know? I also really like the odd, casual references to well known characters, for example the "Her own mother, a Ministry official, had been hauled off and questioned". I thought it was good you didn't slow down the plot just to explain that this was referring to Hermione.
I also like your characterisation too, you really brought Rose and Scorpius to life. I like the dynamic in their relationship already; with him being patronising and her being a little belligerent. Nice touches. I'm interested to find out how Scorpius managed to become her superior, y'know, since they were in the same year at Hogwarts, if memory serves me right (it's a while since I've read DH)? So yeah, I can't wait for a little backstory on that.
But, I hope you don't mind me giving a little constructive criticism? There were just odd things like the 'he quired his lips' line, that felt a little jarring, like the verb was a little off. Another thing that was kinda distracting was for Rose's mum and dad to be called by their name's, y'know, since the story is sort of being told from Rose's view of things. Like I'd assume the passage "Hermione shook her head with worry; Ron went white", should probably have been "Mum shook her head with worry; Dad went white". But that's just my personal oppinion, I know I'm kinda nitpicking :S
Other than that I loved this first chapter and I'll be reading the next without a doubt :)
~Pirate GirlAuthor's Response: hey Pirate Girl
thanks so much for a lovely review! I am really pleased you are enjoying it so far!
oh thank you! i would rather show and not tell when it comes to little things like that - i hope that readers will know by implication and history, you know?
oh im really happy you like the characterisation! oh you find out how he got to be her superior later - it really is a simple explanation and yes, they were in the same year at school.
i know that line about his lips is odd, but he isn't much of a smiler either, lol, so an uncomfortable line for an uncomfortable action xD
i never know what to do about parents - if this was first person narration, it would be mum and dad, but with third, i get confused. to me, it reads better with a mix of both, but thats my preference!
thank you so much for such a great review hun!! Report Review
Hey, it's me again, and by the way (off topic a little) I'm eating a bit of ice cream at the mo (I know, in this weather? I mus be mad) so bare with any spelling mistakes I make :)
right, I was kinda disapointed by how short the chapter was, but the brilliant interaction with Riddle made up for it. I forgot to mention in my last review tha I loved the subtle refference to Riddle by Dumbledore and the follow up you've give it here. Theres somethin kinda morbidly fascinating bout the fact that they get on well (especially considering how Moody dies, an all). Were they friends at school? Or did they just respect each other's magical skills enough to look past the Gryffindor/Slytherin uniform?
But, I've gotta admit, I thought Tom Riddle's dialogue was a little too informal, y'know? I always imagined him keeping up a kind of arrogant, formal thing when he spoke to people, even if he knew them well. And I'm surprised Moody's intuition hasn't put him off Riddle. Still, just my personnal oppinion. I'm still loving your story :)Author's Response:
You are very perceptive. Riddle is acting a tad odd, I agree. Report Review
Ha, that was brilliant, my favourite chapter yet. I loved all the interactions with each character. I liked how Dumbledore put a stop to Moody's training and their whole conversation was interesting (added another layer to their meeting in the hogs head in Chapter 1). I was pretty surprised to see McGonagall playing nurse at Moody's bedside, put you wrote the scene so well it made it really believable. Oh and I absolutelly love the whole Moody/Druella bit and the hint of Druella's granddaughter's traits coming out there? I get the feeling that Moody might have a hand (and a bit more, y'know) in the birth of Tonk's mum, Andromeda? I did always wonder why they didn't turn out evil like Bellatrix and Narcissa, hmm, intrigue :)
Oh and the whole scene where Moody winds up Crouch was just hilarious! I mean, jees, didn't old Alastor get around or what? Oh but, by the way, I spotted one spelling mistake: "And you stay outa my head, boy!". 'Outa' should be two 't's not one. 'Outta'. But yeah, apart from that, it was awesome!Author's Response:
D'oh! How did I miss that? I'll fix that my next round of edits. Report Review
Aww, that was lovely, very poetic. And by lovely I mean that, despite the 'downer' type topic, you gave a really hopeful view of death. I really enjoyed it. I was a massive fan of Remus and Tonks and was obviously heart broken that J.K. chose to sacrifice them in the face of literary symmetry. But I thought you portrayed Remus last moments wonderfully. You captured that slight melancholy, depressed outlook he had upon his life. In some ways, it made his death almost seem quite merciful, y'know? Like he didn't have to suffer anymore.
Oh but, just so you know, I noticed a little spelling mistake. End of the third paragraph (not including the lyrics) you've put 'squirmish' instead of skirmish. And my only other little criticism is that I kinda wished you'd mentioned the death eaters who killed the two of them. J.K.Rowling mentioned in a interview that Antonin Dolohov murdered Remus, and Bellatrix killed Tonks; I reckon this could have been interesting to show. But then again, I can understand why didn't. I mean, I loved the fact you wrote in he died helping students and that it took five death eaters to overpower him.
Anyway, yeah, I thought it was a good one-shot, nice work :)
Pirate Girl xAuthor's Response: Thank you again!! It's lovely to see a familiar reviewer. I'm slightly surprised to see a review for this story since it is an older one, but very grateful nonetheless. I'm happy that you enjoyed this.
Thanks for pointing out that little typo! I hate those. And as for the identity of Remus' murderer, as I said, this is an older fic that was written before I was aware of JK's interview. Though I know now, I am happy with this the way it is... there is something heroic about being overpowered by so many and I'm glad you enjoyed the slightly AU detail.
-Melissa Report Review
Great chapter, I loved the beginning and the fact it was in first person. I also liked the interaction with Minerva's parents and how it mirrored the older, stricter Professor McGonagall. It was a great touch to mention how she resents the idea of becoming like her mother (I'll be interested to know what caused her to change her attitude, whether it was age or a particular event, etc). And your descriptive writing was great too. I also like the fact she is friends with someone who is a Quidditch Captain. Is that perhaps the reason for her encouraging Harry's talent as a Seeker in the books?
Again, the only thing I didn't like was the shortness of the chapter. Oh and I also found the amount of names thrown into the second part to be a bit, y'know, overwhelming. It's just my personal oppinion, again, but I think maybe you could have spent a little more time fleshing out the main characters. I hope you don't mind the constructive criticism because, other than them little hang ups, I'm really enjoying the story :)Author's Response: Yay! I'm so glad you like it! Reviews make me very happy so thank you! :) I agree that I could have added more detail about the main characters...perhaps something for an edit? This is my first story so I'm still getting the hang of the whole thing. But I'm glad you're enjoying it and I hope you keep reading!
~scarletsphinx Report Review
Hey, first off, I just wanna say, thank you for writing a story on a character who doesn't get enough fanfic stories :)
Right, first off, I really like your style of writing, it's so evocative and enthralling; such as the line about a 'melancholy mood settled over her', etc. I especially liked the part where you wrote the things Minerva often heard her students saying. Some were painfully similar to things I've said about teachers I haven't liked. In fact, some of mine have been much, much worse. I guess we can all be cruel, but it did make me feel a twinge of guilt because I know for a fact I've said it about teachers who may not have deserved it. I mean, talk about conecting with your reader, y'know? Great job.
The only thing I didn't like was how short the chapter was, but, y'know, thats just my personnal opinion (I hope you don't mind me voicing it). Other than that, I'm loving the story so far, so onto the next chapter :)Author's Response: Wow! Thank you for reviewing! I'm so glad that you like it :D
I've never read a Minerva story before so I though I'd write one :) It's unique and I think that's pretty cool.
And I know this chapter was really short! Really I think I was so excited to post it that I just couldn't make myself write any more on it! But I'm working on writing more per chapter :)
And I don't mind you voicing your opinions at all! Any constructive criticism is welcome!
Again, thank you so much for the review, it made my day!
~scarletsphinx Report Review
Again, great chapter, my favourite bit was the wonderfully simple:
'The air smelled of death.'
Genius, I mean that sentence said all that needed to be said, y'know? Well that and the other wonderfull 'rigor mortis' bit. I mean, I'm a real horror fanatic and even I grimaced a bit there. You're definitely earning that 'mature' raiting :)
The only thing that jarred a little bit, for me, was how polite Moody was; it seemed more 'Dumbledore-ish' behaviour than Mad-Eye Moody's 'bouncing ferret' and 'zero-tolerance' attitude. But I guess I just always imagine him having little patience for monstrous and/or stupid beings. I mean, he never had much patience for Mundungus in the books, but then again I suppose that could be his age. Like you wrote, he was a different person back then. So, I guess I'll get used to this slightly different Alastor Moody.
Oh and one other thing, wasn't Levicorpus invented by Snape? Which means the spell wouldn't have been about until after Alastor's Auror Training days? Still apart from that, loved the chapter.Author's Response: Thanks PG,
Yea, I'm a minimalist, so I like to keeps things simple.
Alastor's polite demeanor was an irritation tactic; worked well, don't you think? ;p
Y'know, I've been thinking about taking out that levicorpus bit. The information I found on it was conflicting. I don't know if Snape invented it considering James Potter used it on him in HBP, but anyway I think using a nondescript spell will work better there in the end.
--WE Report Review
Hey, well, I don't write reviews much, in fact I don't really read many stories on the site because I'm kinda picky (which makes me sound stuck up :S but y'know, hopefully you won't hold that against me). But yours caught my eye. I like stories about characters who have a lot of depth and an interesting background, so Alaster Moody is an awesome choice. I loved the story blurb bit, about his battle being fought internally and I can't wait to see where you take that.
Right, I'm just gonna give a little constructive critism, if thats ok? I think your description is great when it comes to character (like Dumbledore having a very distinctive gait, etc) but the description of minor things sometimes feels a little unneccasary, like you've over elaborated on things that don't further the story. But thats just my personnal opinion, y'know? :)
However, your dialogue's wonderful. I think you've got Moody's turn off phrase down, the same with Dumbledore, I loved their little interaction. Especially the fact there was an element of mystery about certain things mentioned. It really was like eavesdropping over a conversation between two old friends. Plus there was loads of atmosphere, which I thought was great. Oh and using Pettigrew as a distraction and playing on Moody's enjoyment of punishing bad people (I don't mean that to sound harsh, by the way) was a great twist.
Right, off to the next chapter :)Author's Response: Thanks a lot PG,
I love concrit, feel free to pick things apart. It is always appreciated. I hope you'll enjoy this journey I'm taking with Alastor Moody. I hope to fill in some of the gaps in cannon, as well as introduce some unique interpretations of some things unsaid in the novels.
Thanks for reviewing.
--WE Report Review
Really enjoying the story so far and, while Will isn't exactly a nice guy, he's brilliantly written. And I like the dynamic of the group too and how everyone's personality's clash. Good stuff so far :)Author's Response: Thank you. When people start disliking characters -as them, not the way I write them- I consider that a high compliment. :D Means I'm writing them an actual personality.
So glad that you're liking it so far. Thanks for taking your time to leave reviews. --Jenna Report Review
Another great chapter, enjoyed the Slughorn bashing (I don't like the guy much either). I can't wait to see what's going to happen to make Regulus seem unlikable and, now I'm thinking about it, it seems more possible Topher could end up being a Death Eater. After all, he is in Slytherin and it'd be interesting to see what could turn him 'to the darkside'.
By the way, sorry if my reviewing seems a bit obsessive. I just know I always enjoy getting feedback on my own stories so, y know expect more reviews from me :)Author's Response: Not a bit obsessive! I love reviews and I actually enjoying responding to them, even if I'm not the best responderer person. :D
Yay! Review away my dear. *goes to see your stuff* I'm not big on searching so I tend to read who reads me. usually the same taste that way and it works out.
Topher to the Dark Side. Hm, could be. :D --Jenna Report Review
Good chapter, I liked the character development of Topher too. He's a pretty cool character. Hard to believe he's related to Will, who seems like much more of a typical pure blood - I'm betting that he ends up being the Death Eater?Author's Response: I can't tell if your guessing Will or Topher will be the Death Eater. Either way, it is revealed in the story pretty soon. Chapter... gah, I'm bad with numbers. Cousin Bella & the Dark Mark. That one. :D I love Topher, he is honestly my favorite character, so I'm glad that others like him as well.
Thanks for the review. --Jenna Report Review
Another great chapter, I like how you subtly incorporated characters from the books into your story and (with the fact that only one Mulciber brother survives) also adds a good, foreboding feeling.
By the way, I like how you're writing Regulus and the weird habits he has like the 'personnal space' thing and biting his lip. It makes him seem a bit jumpy and uncomfortable which is how I kinda imagined Regulus.
Onace again, great writing, can't wait to read next chapter,
The Pirate GirlAuthor's Response: Thank you again. I never imagined Regulus being as smooth as Sirius, so I like him a bit -as you put it- jumpy. I'm glad that you like it as well. Yes, the Muliciber thing -insert forboding music- well, I won't say that only one Survives, just only one becomes a Death Eater. I'm not saying that one doesn't die, either, just saying that I'm not saying. :D
Thanks for reviewing. --Jenna Report Review
I've gotta say, I don't usually start reading stories on this site much anymore - y'know too many cliches and characters who've had their stories told too often. But, I spotted this story a little while ago and meant to try it out. After having finally got round to reading the first chapter I'm really happy I wasn't dispointed :)
The warning at the start grabbed me right away since I like quite dark story telling. Your writing is brilliant; detailed, but no too much and the characters are all believable so far. I especially enjoyed Sirius and Regulus' conversation and the mother's reaction to her son leaving.
Oh and I think its cool you're keeping to J.K's story and not doing the whole 'he is actually alive bit' because I'm not a big fan of the AU fics :)
Can't wait to read the next chapter,
The Pirate GirlAuthor's Response: I am certainly glad that you dropped by. :D
I'm not a huge AU person either, I really wanted to do something original while still canon, that is why I use a lot of vague characters and give them more depth. I hope that you enjoy the rest of the story and Thank You for taking time to review. --Jenna Report Review
Brilliant, I only just started reading it and I love it. I think my fave character is Mira. And, everyone in the group of friends reminds me slightly of my friends, so it made me laugh noticing weird coincidences.Author's Response: I know right? I based it off my friends. Report Review
Excellent, as usual. I have to admit, I love your style of writing, it has such a great flow to it and I love how you wrote Harry.
Oh and thanks for the reviews on my story, its always nice getting feedback isn't it?
Xx :PAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm not sure I do him justice, so it's great to hear that!
Yeah, it is! Thankyou for reviewing, *offers cookies*
XX Report Review
Loved the start of this story, I'm intrigued. I also like how Teddy is irritated by Harry, because its kind of how everyone feels about their relatives (well I know its how I feel about some of mine), you like them beneath all things they do that irritate you. Can't wait to read the next chapter.Author's Response: Haha, that's true! I don't want to think of Teddy having a perfect relationship with his godfather, not at Teddy's age nor with Harry's personality. :P I'm glad you like how the story's started, thank for reviewing! :) Report Review
I really love this story. Its been a while since I've favourited a story that is actually updated (like my own stories which I should update more *guilty face*), anways just wanted to say I'm really enjoying your story and that you write the twins great. You definitely have their humour down right :)
I hope you update soon!Author's Response: Yep I love the twins! Glad you like it and favorited it :) Thanks for leaving a review! Report Review
Brilliantly written song fic, I really like how you write Malfoy's thoughts and had the repetition of 'Draco hated death' throughout the story. Loved it!
By the way, if you want a banner for this story or another one just email me at the address below and tell me :)
firstname.lastname@example.orgAuthor's Response: Ah wow, You liked this one to! I'm so happy, thanks for both your great reviews! If thats ok i might do that, thanks!! =D Report Review
Great first chapter, I'm already hooked! Can't wait to read on :)Author's Response: Wow! Thankyou so much! I'm so pleased you like!! You have so just made my day! You've given me insentive to carry on!!
Thankyou! Report Review
That was excellent! Very creepy (in a good way) and funny. I like the little touches such as the boy being called george. You also wrote the ministry procedures and the characters really well!
This story is definitely one of my favorites!Author's Response: Thank you, it seems I got the tone just right. As far as procedures, I actually forgot that they would not be able to apparate/disapparate from inside the ministry, oh well. Thanks for the review, glad you liked it. Report Review
Very cool chapter, I liked how you wrote Cho differently, you could clearly see she had changed since the first year.
Oh and you should definitely keep going with "Alice in Wonderland"! Please don't abandon it, its really good. In fact I'll go review it if you have updated with a new chapter :)Author's Response: Thanks a lot !!! Report Review
Cool, I like it. Nice cliffy too, I wonder how Sirius will react too?Author's Response: You better get used to cliffhangers cs I'm gonna end every single chapter with one cs I feel evil *evil laugh* Report Review
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