I like your story very much so far. I am just a chapter in and I have a few comments to make. First, the minor things are editing (grammar, spelling) that can be fixed easily. Second, isn't Myrtle supposed to be in Hufflepuff? I may be wrong but if I'm not then that detail will be overlooked on my part for the sake of the story, which I like. Third comment, your writing on the whole is good especially compared to most other stories I’ve read on the site. However I would recommend keeping the first person narrative throughout rather that switching from first to third (as in the heroine writing her letter then switching to her memory from an outside perspective, it confuses the reader), and may I suggest you get rid of 'The End' remark after the first story. It doesn't fit and is not the end of the story at all, rather the beginning. Only use the words 'the end' at the end of your entire story. You seemed to be allowing the reader to enter into the flow of the story and then placed 'the end,' well it just ruins the fluidity. Instead of 'the end' perhaps you can use "that was just the beginning...” keep the reader wanting more! Over all, the story is good. I like your main character as she seems realistic and good-natured, and I really liked the fact that you didn't go on about her immense beauty. You seemed to leave that judgment to the reader's imagination. I hate these stories that feel the need to give their heroines gorgeous faces and long locks, as if the hero (or in your case, the villain) wouldn't be interested in them otherwise. Good characters and intriguing plot, and I notice her initials are the same as those written in the locket Harry finds at the end of Prince, I sense a spoiler coming... can't wait!Author's Response: First of all I would like to thank you for such an honest review. You've clearly taken your time to do this properly. i respect that :). Ok, now I will try to answer this, though bare in mind that I wrote this story, like, two years ago, but I will try to answer everything.... about the "The End"-thing, it does sound a little corny when I read it now, but I will not make any changes, I don't have the interest anymore, sadly. I'm just happy that someone still reads this bs :P I'm glad you like Ruby, and I agree with what you said about other OCs...-_-About Myrtle being in Hufflepuff, I have no idea...maybe? I don't remember and noone else has brought it up :S
You sound sort of patronizing in the middle of the review, I hope that wasn't intentional ! :P
Overall, thank you for your honest review, I truly appreciate it ^^ ~ Sam M Report Review
It's a good story; however this reader feels that your story can't be taken too seriously because of the overwhelming spelling, grammar and continuity errors in it. Spelling and grammar can be fixed by proof reading, and the continuity errors can be fixed by checking the books for the spelling of words such as 'Occlumency', ages of characters ect.
I hope you don't take this review as a negative one as I did enjoy the story, and I suppose in the end that is the most important thing.Author's Response: well im dyslexic and sometimes the spell checker gives me words i belive to be the ones i am looking for but arnt the one and sometimes it does not give me a new spelling. and even tho this is a story by some1 else and i have taken a thread of it to turn into my story i can have the characters how ever old i want them to be to give them a new lease of life. thank you for reading my story and i will get some1 else to proof read it for me thank you once again. Report Review
I really like the idea, and it started off very strong. But it seems some of the things Black was saying was a bit out of character. Like first groveling to Voldemort, then insulting him wildly. There didn't seem to be much provocation for it (if there is, think you should consider describing it more). And the end seems very sloppy. I don't think Voldemort would have been outsmarted like that. Seems a bit too 'Batman' for the situation. However, you have a talent for writing, and I hope you take a stab at Regulus' murder. He's one of my favourite characters!Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review! I truly appreciate your constructive criticism :-D.
Yeah, I probably should have developed the idea better. I don't really know too much about Regulus; I was really just making a wild stab in the dark. This was originally written for school, but people thought that it sounded quite Harry Potter-ish, so I converted it into an argument between Voldemort and Regulus. I'll go back and try and change the mistakes; perhaps Voldemort could really have been expecting Black's escape, and could have other Death Eaters waiting? I'll have another look and the dialogue and see if I could alter it to sound more believable - I understand where you're coming from. This type of dark theme isn't really my forte, but I enjoyed writing this all the same.
Thanks so much again!
I actually laughed... twice.Author's Response: thats a lot. i dont think i can count that high. lol thanks for reading reviewing and laughing twice. Report Review
This is an overall review of your story.
It is an interesting and creative story, and I like how you think outside the box. However, there are a few things that really make this story unpleasant to read. Your writing style and dialogue in particular seem so random at times, it doesn't make a lot of sense, especially when Harry is talking to himself. It's an intriguing part of your story, but the way you have written it (grammar, punctuation, ect.) makes it difficult to follow. I also think that your apparently random insertions of Ginny’s point of view don’t fit well at all with the rest of the story. It seems like an unnecessary indulgence on your part and contributes nothing. If Ginny's point of view is in fact integral to the plot, then keep it. However, you should consider writing more of it to show the reader its importance. But since its writing style does not fit with the rest, I would suggest writing it in the third person. Also, you need to spend more time in narrating your story, and less time on dialogue. Also, I have no idea what 'glamour' means and I think most readers don't either. If you want to spend less time writing the narrative, perhaps you should consider writing it in the style of a play or a screenplay. Just remember to be conscious of your punctuation and the usage of slang in your narrative; however as they are teenagers slang is acceptable in the dialogue, but consider describing the character's emotions/reactions more to help the reader understand the slang better. I hope you find this review helpful. I rarely write reviews, seeing as most of the stories I've read are more like soap operas or romance novels rather than using the fantasy genre to its fullest. You seem to have a good imagination; just don't get too carried away in frivolous story threads. They may quench your own desire for fun, but to most outside readers they are boring and often result in the reader giving up on the story completely. You also seem very eager to tell your story and forget to be more descriptive in your language. You leave the reader far behind as you press on with confusing dialogue that I'm sure makes sense in your mind, but the rest of us are left wondering where the story has gone. Take your time and enjoy the process of writing. You are creating a world and characters unknown to your readers, so just slow things down and help them see this world through your eyes.Good luck in the future in what ever you choose to write!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I do find this review extremely helpful. I am currently in the process of looking for a beta that might help me with problems like these. As a new writer I do find reviews like this helpful. I am greatful for your honesty and true opinion on the story. Thank you for taking the time to read this and pick out the issues that I have: hearing this will help my writing. Since I am in a new school, I have been working much harder and longer than expected. I usually try to write very fast to post the next chapter. Now I do know that I should take my time, and let the readers wait so I can get everything fixed.
Thank you once again,
Elvia Report Review
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