So, at long last, I am here to review. I'm so terribly sorry it took so long!
I have now read this three times over the course of a couple weeks, and it becomes more beautiful with each reading. Your writing is so.. lovely to read. It's detailed, but you don't feel overwhelmed with information because it's so delicately displayed.
The story itself, is so heartbreaking, tragic, but beautiful as well. Strange, that I would say that about a story where both partners are cheating on each other, but it works in this... by the end, I was begging for her to be with Draco instead of Ron, because you made it feel so much more.. right.
You had said people get confused because you switch POV, and I'm not going to lie, the first couple of paragraphs or so, it took me a minute to figure out what was going on. Especially when it was about Ron's lover.. In regards to the change of POV, I would suggest putting in the smallest of indications - an extra space between changes... Mostly, because this is a song fic, I, at least, was lead to believe it changed when there was a quote... and the few places it changes with no indication, I was really confused, and I took away from the beauty that is your writing.
There are too many lines in here for me to comment on all the ones I adored.. One thing in particualr, I love how you have her say Ron's name, right at the end, followed by Turning in dust.
So poetic, and so gorgeous.
This is such a wonderful piece, I'm so glad you requested so I could read it :)
-LilyAuthor's Response: Hey Lily!
Oh please don't apologise - I know how life can be so it's totally okay!
thank you for such lovely comments! I am so pleased you liked this. I had never written anything like it before (namely the second person narrative, which I now adore). Yeah, I know. it is weird isn't it, but there is a sort of beauty in their pain and the tragedy of it all. If only they had stopped to actually speak to one another instead...I am pleased that the story and the characters were strong enough that you would wish for that ending.
I had concerns about that aspect of the fic, with the song lyrices and the expected POV switch after each, and originally, that was what I intended, but it didn't work out as such. I shall have a think about what I can do there, as I know it is a problem.
thank you!! I didn't want to name them so obviously. I wanted the descriptions to do that for me, but I also wanted something at the end that was kind of powerful, and I felt that having Hermione say his name right there, followed by that line, would work, so I am SO pleased it did!!
thank you so much darling! I am really happy you liked it!!
Kate xx Report Review
So sorry this took so much longer for me to get to than I thought it would!
This is such a charming one-shot, I really enjoyed it. Such a cute, childish story, but still so moving.
I love the idea of the brooch - it was the most valuable item, but Severus chose to give it to Lily . It's a wonderful example of how much he really loved her. It's heartbreaking to see that he would rather give it to her, and take the punishment, than not.
I have to say though, I feel like more should have been done with it - Like Lily sending it back to him years later, or keeping it until she married James, or something of the sort. I don't like that it just disappeared to a gutter one night, because it's clear they still had a friendship after this night...
You have a couple of typos here and there, but they don't distract the reader to much. One thing I would personally change, would be the "my love", Severus says to Lily. I really doubt he would be bold enough to say that to her.
Other than that, it's really cute, and I really enjoyed the ending especially, showing that she still dreams about him, about the brooch.
-LilyAuthor's Response: Hey there,
Sorry it took me so long to respond...I've had a response in my head! The hubby is laying in bed sick with the flu so I've been a bit distracted playing nurse :-P
ANYWAYS, thanks for your lovely compliments.
You also make some very valid points. I'm not sure yet if I would change what happens to the brooch, I think there is also some significance at it being thrown in the gutter, but then, who knows what happens when I'm having an edit-happy day.
I do agree with you on the my-love thing upon further thought. Once I get this beta'd, it would be a good chance to change it and get to those typos.
So thanks for taking the time to write a thoughtful review, always appreciated.
-Katie Report Review
This is a really nice one-shot - you're very good at making them only a tiny glimpse in time.
I originally saw how short it was, and thought I was going to have to tell you it needed to be longer... but it doesn't. I think it works just the way it is.
One thing I noticed, is you use "But." at the beginning of sentences a LOT, often consecutively. And it becomes rather irritating to read.. just because but isn't really the softest, most inconspicuous word - it has a hard sound about it. So, I would suggest fixing that.
Also, You repeat yourself, from the first paragraph, to the second, like so:
He had always loved the rain. It seemed like it was always crying with him.
This was exactly why he loved rain. It always seemed to understand him.
I know they aren't identical, but almost. I would suggest changing them around.. and maybe trying to not say "rain" so many times :)
I really do like this piece though, it's a nice insight into his life that we never really knew. However, Eileen's maiden name was Prince, so shouldn't it be Eileen Snape? I'm not sure if she took his name, but I always assumed...
I hope this is helpful!
-LilyAuthor's Response: Ven,
Thanks for the input. I appreciate the time you gave me to read and review. Yes, well I get complaints on that repetition so I'll have to look into changing that in the near future. Thank you though.
I also thought Eileen took the Snape name and would've put it in. But it didn't quite sound right to be repeating Snape so I decided to just put Prince anyway. :)
Thank You Again,
*squeals and jumps up and down* Report Review
This is such an emotionally charged piece, I'm almost glad that it's so short.
You write in the style I always love - it almost seems vague, because no names or concrete settings are described, but the other description makes up for it so much that it's better that way.. if you know what I mean?
I'll be honest and say I know nothing about the characters supposed to be portrayed in the story, so I can't really comment on that.
what I can comment on, is the writing. I love the way that it is written, as if it's a letter. I really draws the reader in, and makes everything so vivid. your words are simple too, nothing big and convoluted, but so effective - I love the line Do you remember that day, when the sun was sinking and we were alone? It's so simple, but so poignant at the same time.
Overall, a beautiful piece, that I really think is more about the writing, and the tone, than the characters themselves.. but that's just me :)
-LilyAuthor's Response: hey. thanks for the swift reply!
im glad you enjoyed this, even though it is a little vague and different, and im glad you like the language use.
the narrator is alecto carrow, and the man is rodolphus lestrange, the other woman, bellatrix.
thanks again darling - im pleased you liked it!
kate xx Report Review
Hi there. I saw you requested a Snape/Lily, and I just had to come right away, as it's one of my favourite ships.
I really enjoyed this. I thought at first that the constant repetition of the word 'green' would be irritating, but I found it made the piece flow and stay together much better than I think it would otherwise.
The bits about his House colour, and about when he recieved the Mark, almost felt out of place, but I think because they were tied with 'green', it somehow worked out quite nicely.
You sum up his regret, his longing, very simply, and very quickly, which is nice. One-shots are often too long - yours is a nice length, given the subject matter. I wouldn't want to keep reading about 'green', but I wouldn't have wanted it to end any earlier.
That said, there are some minor details I would suggest fixing. A couple of times, you have "leafs" instead of "leaves". It should be 'startling'.
When you say "mesmerized, fascinated", and then go to repeat it, it's a good technique, but in my opinion, the order of them should not be switched - it makes it feel awkward.
It should be "jokes", and "icy cold WITH indifference." The line about how indifference is the opposite of love, not hate, is nice, (and true, I think) but you need to find a way to make it flow a little smoother.
When you say "It is the reason why", it should either be "it is the reason" or "it is why", not both :).
Finally, the line "Green is the vibration of life" feels odd, like it doesn't belong. If it was "my life" or, Green is the... giver of life" Or something, I'm not quite sure..
Otherwise, I really enjoyed it :)
-LilyAuthor's Response: Thanks for getting here so fast.
I'm pleased you enjoyed it. I think repetitions tend to seem almost poetic, so I tend to use them quite a bit. It seems it helped the flow of my story as well.
Well, it's meant to be just that- short, sweet and to the point. I don't think I could've written much else about 'green'.
Thanks for pointing all those out. I'll be sure to fix them soon. ^_^
Hhmm, I'll take a look at that line. Maybe clean it a bit so it flows better.
Thank you so very much for reviewing! They are very helpful.
Liza :) Report Review
This seems like a filler chapter to me - you have to set some stuff up, talk about how Hermione is feeling, and about how she's started to realize that something is actually wrong.
(don't get me wrong - filler chapters are neccesary, but tedious. i'm excited for the next one).
The bit about Luna is clever. I like it. Also, the bit at the beginning is lovely, with the leaf and all.
-Lily Report Review
Hi there :)
So, this ia kind of a really interesting idea - Astoria and Colin? I don't know if there has ever been a fanfic written about that pairing.
I have to say, I really enjoyed it though. Your descriptions are lovely - the say a lot, without being too wordy. The whole premise of the story is believable as well.
My critique would be that it's too long, and feels to choppy. I like the dual perspective, from Colin, and then Astoria, but I feel like they don't fit well together, and that certain sections don't flow well to the next section. (Part of this i a simple formatting fix - use *** or something similar, instead of an actual line. It's less distracting to the reader that way.)
Otherwise, I commend you for making such an odd couple, rather believable :)
-LilyAuthor's Response: I know, yes, Astoria and Colin - the most bizarre pairing since bizarre pairings began, except maybe Uncle Vernon/Squid or whatever. I found it in the ship discussion thread and felt like I really had to write it, because I'd never seen it before.
Thank you very much for saying so - I'd worried that the prose might be a little, ahem, 'purple'. I have a tendency to get too wound up in explanations.
I agree, I do think, when reading back, that it is a little long, and it is a bit stop-start. It's probably those stupid line breaks I put in. I don't have extremely epic plans to re-write this, but I'll bear that in mind for future stories, as flow is a really important thing and I need to sort it out.
Thank you very much for being so prompt - honestly, that was one of the fastest review requests ever! Also, thank you very much for your comments. I'm glad you liked it, but I'm also glad for that concrit (:
PS. Report Review
So! Forgive me for being picky, but I would say I'm a relatively hard reviewer to please :) That said, I'm only here to help :)
I think this is a lovely idea for a piece - we don't know much about Severus, but we know he is an extremely intriguing person, with a muddled past. So interesting to learn about him!
I very much liked the idea of the afterlife, how he saw them all, and was so appreciated for all he had done. The part about Lily's eyes is very nice.
All this said, I feel like the story is more... delicate than the writing. You should be careful of "well, actually, this". All that stuff like "(well not exactly... but it doesn't really matter)". They have the feel of author notes being interjected into the story... and I felt like you were adding in those little qualifiers as you thought of them. They don't reallly fit with the feel of the story. (The first paragraph is especially irksome to read because of this :) )
It is very short, but I don't neccasarily think it needs to be longer. One thing I would add in, is how Sev is so at peace, even though Lily still evidently does not love him. He was bitter all his life about that, so I don;'t imagine he would only want her as a friend just because she forgave him...
Overall, and interesting piece. Very engrossing for such a short story. I'm glad you requested!
-LilyAuthor's Response: Mmmm, well thank you and yes, I have to consider that. When I was writing it, I put that in to add a little bit of humor but I guess it doesn't fit to add humor. And as I look back, it does look like I'm adding author's notes to the story, neh? And yes, I have to think about Sev and his feelings a little more so...thank you for taking time to drop by!
*does silly little happy dance* Report Review
I have to say I really enjoyed this little piece. It is the perfect length, just enough detail that we udnerstand, but not so much that it gives everything directly away, thereby becoming boring.
You write beautifully in first person - I could feel her longing, her disappointment, her sadness. It was so heartbreaking. And the writing itself was beautiful as well, descriptive without being tedious to read.
My suggestion, would be that I think the ending came on a little to suddenly. I understand that what she seems to have thought was all attention for the baby, was partly for her, but then all of sudden, he cares for her, and is calling her love? I feel like it has to be more gradual... Like she noticed him looking at her with concern beforehand, or that he started spending more time with her, or something to make it more... gradual, and not so out of the blue.
The first half, is wonderful, I loved it.
Lovely work - anytime you'd like a one-shot reviewed, let me know - I like your style :)
PS - i am in love with your banner&chapter image! So gorgeous!Author's Response: Thanks so much for all the CC. I've always thought that about the end. I have been thinking about doing a longer story based on this one, or redoing this one. It's stuck in my head. Thanks so much for reading. Report Review
Well, this is an interesting idea for a story, in a way. I'm a little bit confused as to why you wrote it the way you did.
Was part of the challenge to make it entirely misleading? I find it very awkward to read, because the first three quarters of the story are dark, and foreboding, and it ends with what would be a funny line in a lighter context, and the birth of a baby boy? It doesn't really make sense, and like I said, i find it awkward to read.
Also, you have numerous typos, and with such a short fic, typos should not be an issue. Even in the first line, it says 'blak' instead of 'black'. Most of them are relatiely minor like this, but it's extremely distracting to the reader.
In terms of the writing, i would suggest varying your descriptions, and your use of words - instead of saying village or cottage repeatedly, say little house, or small town. Quiet home, quaint neighbourhood. Also, I'm unsure of why you didn't use James' name? I didn't think the use of 'the man' was all that effective for this peice.
Overall, I would say the tone of the story is what really throws me off. I was 100% sure James was going to walk up and find Voldemort..
You mentioned about the rating being to high - in my personal opinion, I don't think it is, but that might be something to as a validator, as I don't know the TOS as well.
Your descritions clearly took some thought and effort, so I was impressed with them :). And as I said, it's an interesting idea. I think you just need to take a little more time with your wriing :)
I hope this helps, feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss anything :)
-LilyAuthor's Response: Thank you for such an honest and constuctive review! I am very glad I asked you to review; you give me another point of vue that is very much needed. When people are not that much into a story, they usually don't review so the author only receives praises. But I believe it is essential to receive reviews from people who were a bit put of by the story and the way you present your feeling is clear, constructive and really helpfull. A story cannot please everyone and you show tact in letting me know what you liked less and what could have been done to make it more enjoyable for you. It's not everyone who would like to receive a review like this but I do and I really thank you for your honesty! Report Review
Hello :) You came and requested a review for this, and I just couldn't resist, even though I really should get to sleep!
The first thing I noticed, was a typo in the very first line. It should be "severus sitting alonE" :). There are a couple elsewhere as well,..."in the trees", rather than AT, and "to lay" rather than the. You want to be most careful with your spelling and grammar at the beginning, because otherwise, it will distract the reader from the get-go.
This is a really cute little piece - I enjoyed it. I find it a little difficult to picture, because it seems they are so young, but I suppose it is quite realistic. This kiss is cute - I was all set to say "no way, she would not have kissed him at eleven", but when you went on to explain about how she saw her parents do it, it made sense, and made it innocent, so it worked.
It is really short, as you said, so I think in general, it could be improvved by adding more details - a bit more description between all the dialogue, a bit more set up for the scene, a bit more closing before the last line (which is beautiful, by the way!)
Overall, I really enjoyed reading it. It's a nice little peek into their childhood relationship. I adored the part where Severus said they'd always be friends :)
I might pop back to read the other seven stories, this is interesting :)
-LilyAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! :) I'll have to go back and fix those typos, and see where I can add more description. I'm glad you enjoyed the last line. :) Report Review
Hi there :)
This is really an interesting piece. I love that you wrote it in first person - it makes it all the more intriguing, and really helps to put the reader into the mind of Regulus.
the flashbacks are seemlessly woven into the rest of the story, which is something you should be quite proud of. I've read many a fic where a flashback sticks out liek a sore thumb, and it ruins the whole flow of the story.
Speaking of flow, yours flows wonderfully, each sentence fitting together with the next. I was a little distracted by the formatting - the spaces are too large between single sentences.
I like the scene where Regulus is begging Sirius to forgive him - but I think it is rather unrealistic. I think Regulus had always been so headstrong, and so stubborn, that he never would have sunk to the level of admitting he was wrong. I think he would have gone about undermining the Dark Lord quietly, without letting anyone else know that he had changed his mind.
That said, I do like the hesitation he had for being sorted - how he was SO nervous to be put into Gryffindor. And the bit about his future being set, all because he was a Slytherin.
I also really enjoyed the bit about the lack of a brother - I think that is exactly how their relationship must have been. The bit at the beginning about Sirius being pinished was a nice insight too, into how both Sirius and Regulus must have felt.
Overall, a very nice peice. In the last line, I would remove the name, personally. We all know who the character is, and it feels kind of.. too stagey, if you know what I mean. It kind of ruins the idea that we are actually listening to him think, because I doubt he would say that himself.
-Lily Report Review
The whole first half, I was sitting here saying "Imperious! He's being controlled! Imperious!" It was very well written.
The ending, pour Draco, sent away like that.
I hope Hermione is about to be saved.
Looking forward to an update, now that I've caught up :)
-Lily Report Review
You eat soup out of a "bowl" not a "bowel". And I think you meant for Hermione to say "vulnerability", not invulnerability.
I liked this chapter. Her and Draco are cute. Figure in the forest? hmm. Report Review
So aggressive. Love it. Report Review
It's 'fit' dear, not fitted. That continuous typo has been driving me crazy :)!
I'm loving the Blaise/Ginny thing. Report Review
I love how Malfoy is the one who's caring enough to try to say something.
A very clever way for you to put in all the symptoms of anorexia. I'm finding this very intriguing to read!
-Lily Report Review
Still good. I feel like it's getting a little bit random, scattered now. But it's still good overall.
I'm SO curious to know what Malfoy was flipping out about.. but I really have to get to bed before working tomorrow!
I'll be back to read more though!
-Lily Report Review
Love the dream, and the ending.
-Lily Report Review
So well written - I can't get over it. It's very simplistically written, but that style is perfect for this type of story. It makes the words all the more peircing. I love it.
-Lily Report Review
This is really impressive writing. I'm really enjoying reading it.
I love stories where you can see into the mind of someone, in a condition you could otherwise not understand.
You write it very well, it's exactly how I would imagine it to happen.
It's heart breaking to read.
-Lily Report Review
This is so poignant. I felt my heart breaking for Severus, something I didn't expect because this is so short. It's amazing so few words can have such an effect.
This line:| He keeps his gaze upon Lily, and feels safe.| is brilliant. It makes perfect sense for the way he feels about Lily.
It was beautiful.
-LilyAuthor's Response: Wow, it's great to hear that, even with the shortness of the story, it was still able to move you and make you feel sympathy for Severus. I've never written anything so brief before, so I'm glad that it worked. :D
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! It means a lot to hear how the story affected you. :) Report Review
This is absolutely stunning, so beautiful.
Rather short, but I don't think it needs to be any longer. I flows so perfectly, and sounds exactly like Remus - he would put anyone's concerns above his own, and he's not dashing enough to sweep Bella off her feet.
The ending, 'I heard her whisper those four precious words - I love you too.' It broke my heart.
-Lily Report Review
This was adorable. Beautifully written.
You say it's your first in 3rd person.. I can see how that makes sense.. because it felt like a first person narration, in Hermiones voice. That's a good thing though, in my books!
Nice job! I'll be reading some more of your fics soon!
Oh, also, you said 'continents' instead of 'contents' about Draco's drink :). That's the only typo I noticed!
-LilyAuthor's Response: Thank you!
Yeah it was my first time in 3rd person. It was kinda weird for me to write it, I like 1st person way better, haha ;p
I'll fix that typo :) thank you!
- Cathy Report Review
This was indeed very cute, and I enjoyed it. it's awfully short though, I wish there was more detail - not too much, because I do like the simplistic approach, but at least a little bit more.
I feel like the random swear word is entirely unnessecary. I thought Draco was more rescined than angry in this, so it didn't seem to fit. Also, all the bracketed bits are kind of out of place in this type of story.
Otherwise, it was cute.
-LilyAuthor's Response: Aha, thanks. This is about as long as I can go though. I understand, but if I tried making it any longer it would never get finished. I don't have enough dedication to write a longer story.
Well, yes and no. For most of his little spiel he's quite solemn with a bit of hopelessness but when he talks about the Mark, it makes him angry so he swears. Also, I did this for a challenge for The Golden Snitches and the challenge required it to be rated M and this was the only way I could do that.
Indeed, I've heard that before about the brackets but that marks a turning point in the story. It gets significantly lighter from then on. Also, I'm lazy and didn't want to write out the full conversation.
Thank you for your input but I do have reasoning for why I wrote it like I did.
Hermione Malfoy Report Review
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