Hello Lucy! I'm sorry this has taken so long for me to get to =
You said you want me to go all out critique right?
Well this feels like one of those stories that if I read back when you only had the first chapter up, I'd favorite just because it seems like it has potential. It's all very well written, and I can feel that you have an idea of what to do with the plot, but you didn't introduce any of that in this chapter. Intriguing the reader is pretty essential in the first chapter, just because it'll make the reader WANT to read more. I felt like this lacked that "x factor" that would bump it from a 9/10 to a 10/10. I hope that makes sense.
That being said, your plot seems to be well thought out! I feel like there are tiny hints you're dropping but I don't understand them yet because I haven't read on.
I like the way you've characterized everyone - you seem to be straying away from the "typical" and "perfect" ideas of the Next Gen kids. My favorite is Rose, who doesn't seem to fit in anywhere, and only has friends bc they're her cousins or because of who her parents.
Good job so far!! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I'm a bit confused by what you mean about x-factor, but I appreciate that a lot mentioned in the summary doesn't come into play in this chapter. It's going to have an unusual structure. Thanks again for the review! Report Review
Hello Becca! I'm sorry this has taken so long for me to get to D:
That was beautiful!! The way you wrote it was so flowy and mysterious! oo lala :D
The only thing that is not raving that I want to point out is that I'm not exactly sure what you were trying to show. Was it just that they had a relationship? Or maybe that it could've been something more? Or are you just leaving this up to the reader?
No matter, I didn't really mind. It was still fantastic, and if I had to rate it, I'd still give it a 10/10 :)Author's Response: Hahaha, no worries. You always leave such lovely reviews, they're well worth the wait.
I don't think I meant it to be mysterious :L, but mysterious is always good. :D.
I've never really thought about what I was trying to show- interesting question! I guess I was trying to show that their relationship could never work, for there would be a constant battle between them. I shall leave it up to the reader, however :P.
Thank you so much, lovely! :D Report Review
Hello Elena! I'm sorry this has taken so long for me to get to!
I feel a little bit like this chapter had too much going on. All the individual thing with Draco and Hermione were good, but then you started adding Harry/Ginny, Mr. & Mrs. Weasley and it felt like too much. All those little sections could've been divided and maybe developed into a little bit more.
As usual, you writing is great and all things technical are perfect. I think it's just the way you're structuring the plot that making this story a little off.
Good job though! :)Author's Response: There is a lot going on ;) It all ties in at some point, but each part has a reason for being there.
Thank you for taking the time to read and review, every little bit of feed back helps. Report Review
Hey Emma! I'm sorry this has taken so long for me to get to >.<
Aw, that was beautiful :(
I think you did a really good job of showing all the conflicting emotions going on in Narcissa's head.
The length was really good, but I feel like it would've made a nice short story, or even novel/novella! You could've elaborated more between each numeral, and I kinda just wanted more out of the story. It kind of felt a little fast-paced when things should've been developed more.
Great job though!!Author's Response: No worries, love! Life gets the better of everyone. ^_^ Thank you so much for the praise! And I'll think on that, it's an interesting concept... something that sounds quite worthwhile, too. So I shall take your suggestions definitely on board! And perhaps when I get back into the swing of writing I can do what you suggest. :D Thank you sooo much for the review, my dear!
- emma xx Report Review
:( I actually left a review for this today but forgot to press submit and then closed the window D: Ah well, sorry for getting this to you so late!! I don't have any excuses so here we go -
I'm not sure what you want me to say in this review, but I don't have much to talk about - it was soo good!!
First off, I love your characterization of Andromeda. Most people go to extremes with her, but you did more of a middle ground. It was like logical yet cynical and sarcastic :D
I also like the child-like perspective you wrote this from. You really captured this "important" moment in Andromeda's life and picked up on things that only children would pick up on. For example, how she wanted to stare at Yaxley or the way she analyzed the eulogy. It was very beautiful in a child-like way.
I love the simplicity of this chapter. It was very short and to the point and touched me :D I'm sorry I can't review more, but I'm trying to empty out my review thread hahaha.
Wonderful :)Author's Response: Oh, Katrina, how I miss you! I suppose since it took this long for me to respond that we're more than even ;)
I couldn't possibly go to extremes with Andromeda, because she's the least extreme sister. And since this is early in the story and her life, she can't have developed the same willful feelings that she might have by the time she pops up in canon.
I'm surprised that you used the word "childlike" because that's not really what I was going for, but I was going for would-be objective, very sensitive, quite numb. Andromeda is too in shock to do anything but notice things that others might not.
I'm really grateful for this lovely review, my dear, thanks so much! Report Review
Hello, I'm here with your TGS review :)
First off, I wanted to fantastic your summary was!! The moment I read it, I was intrigued and found your idea very interesting. Your story did not let me down in the least!
I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but in a good way! I think that you did an excellent job of playing with your information and giving the reader enough to make the reader informed, but still curious. For example, I love how you tell the reader about all this crazy stuff Helga is doing, but we don't really know why or how far she's gone, or how most people are reacting to it.
I think this is one of the most creative AU's I've ever read! I really love what you've done with this idea, and it amount of thought and work you've put into this plot is evident.
GREAT JOB!Author's Response: Hello Katrina!
Aww, thank you so much! As you know by now, I'm a huge fan of your reviews. I just love your feedback. It's really been helpful. ^_^
Yes, Helga is definitely weird and her motives are sort of obscure, I think. There is a method to her madness though, even if it is quite unconventional. ;)
And I'm so glad you liked my summary. Honestly, I hate writing summaries. They either come to me right away or I spend hours struggling to come up with one, haha.
Again, thanks for everything, katrina! It was wonderful hearing from you. Take care!
Lee Anne Report Review
Hey Ella! It's Katrina with your TGS review :)
This was so incredibly detailed, it's kind of shocking. It all flowed so wonderfully! I don't have any cc, so this is going to be quite the raving review, FYI.
I loved the repetition of this line "No one's ever heard of a cowardly Black." It really fit for the whole theme of the story, and gave the reader a good feel of how Regulus was feeling, aside from all your wonderful description.
I also loved the idea of Audrey. It was nice to see that Regulus had something Sirius didn't, and in the end it was the only thing that mattered.
This whole fic was great in my eyes, because it showed how there are two sides of the story. I got the impression that Sirius didn't know how unloved Regulus felt, and didn't really care to ask, or even try to understand.
The summary was also wonderful. When I read it, I thought, "Oh, this is going to be good." And you didn't let me down! I really enjoyed this :)
KatrinaAuthor's Response: Katrina! Thanks for popping by. Haha, thanks! I love rave reviews!
That line was one of the ones that really stuck in my head when I started this story. It was strange that Regulus did something so brave when he was a Slytherin. I also had always liked the idea of Audrey choosing Regulus over Sirius and also that she was what made things change for him.
I so happy that you enjoyed this! Thanks for the great review!
Ella Report Review
Hey, I'm finally here with your review from the forums! I'm sorry for the long wait.
The only problem I have with this prologue is the way you explicitly stated the whole Fred Weasley & Katie Bell have an illegitimate child issue right off the bat. Important facts like that can be weaved into the story, and are better used for plot development. Also, since this was the prologue, you could have used it to capture the reader's attention with sort of a bang :)
Overall, the plot seems to be well though out, but I think you can use a lot of information that you have here for plot development, and to make the reader curious. Usually, prologues are used to show a snippet of some important scene to catch the reader's attention. The wedding was a good example of that, but since this is a prologue, maybe the Katie/Fred issue shouldn't have been brought about in as much detail as you did.
I hope you take as cc, because that's how I meant it! Happy writing :)Author's Response: Thanks for pointing the Fred/Katie thing out..I'll work on it!
the thing is, this is in the process of being edited, so it'll def have a couple of mistakes!
Didn't I mention that they were engaged then? Damn! My bad! Sorry!
I'll go fix that, then!
thanks for reviewing!
Aakanksha Report Review
Hello, I'm here with your review from the forums! I know, I'm ACTUALLY here! I'm so sorry for the long wait. Life can be horrible sometimes.
In your request, you asked if it was cliché and what suggestions I had to fix if it if was. I don't think this WHOLE chapter was cliché, but your introduction of Rose/Scorpius was. In all honesty, I've seen the list/diary thing many times over, and most times Rose is confessing how she loves Scorpius. As a suggestion, I personally would reformat the story, so that her confession is weaved in. For example, I think it'd best fit in when Scorpius embarrasses her about something and THEN she says it, and then boom! chapter is over. That'd be a nice ending. But that's just me, and you're the author of this story!
I also think you could have made the story flow a little bit better, by adding more details. The dialogue seemed to bounce back and forth without really giving me an idea of how everything looked in my head. I was once given the advice of practicing "show not tell," which is making your character experience what you want the reader to know, rather than straight out telling it.
Other than that, I think you're off to a nice start! It seems like you've thought out everyone's characterizations very well, which is very app laudable! Most authors don't bother with little character traits, which is silly because it's important!!
Also, I'm enjoying this light theme you have going on. It's very refreshing to read, especially with all the angst there is here. Once you make the dialogue flow more (i.e. showing people's facial reactions to something someone says), everything will become even funnier!
Good job!Author's Response: Wow... I don't remember asking for this. At all. =S Stupid filter brain!
I know the list in very cliched, but I wanted to start safely, ie in the box. I figured if my next story thought out of said box, I'd be forgiven for this happy, fluffy nonsensical dream =)
Thank you for your review!
xE Report Review
It's obvious you've spent time thinking out the plot for this story and how everything will happen. This whole chapter was very detailed and for that you get many rounds of applause!
One thing I feel the need to point out isn't really technical. This first chapter didn't really GRAB my attention, like first chapters should. I think that's mainly because of the dialogue. I know you haven't had this beta'd yet, but punctuation can be a great way to show how people are saying things, with the different kinds of pauses and stops. It felt a little like people were just saying things straight out, and I didn't feel the emotions that I think you were trying to convey.
Although I'm a huge canon and Ron/Hermione shipper, I think you did a great job of breaking them up. Hahaha, that sounded odd. The way you ended their relationship made a lot of SENSE. I got the impression that they're still in love, but there was a conflict of interest on both sides. Which I can actually see happening because they're both very stubborn people.
Overall, I think this was a very good start. There aren't any blaring criticisms I have. If I had to rate this, I'd give it a 9/10 -- it was good, but was lacking, if that makes sense.Author's Response: This is the re-written version of my very first fan fic, so yes :) The plot is planned.
Without saying too much, you did hit it on the head there, about Hermione and Ron loving each other. This will come back into play with the story later on, so I'm glad that is something that you picked up on.
And you made sense :) So thank you for this review. I may review it and see if I'd like to change anything. Report Review
OH!! I fully understand what is going on now! okay!
Yeah, so I REALLY like what you're doing with this so far!! It seems genius, and I've never ran into a story formatted like this!!! Ah, it is like the clouds have parted in the sky!! I feel like I've been enlightened, hahahaha!
Hm, now many questions pop up? How are you going to end it? Are you ever going to mix the two? Should I stop asking questions because I hate spoilers?
I think what I enjoy most about this format is the ability to see the comparison. It's a little shocking, seeing the drastic differences in the situations, and also in Andromeda herself! I mean, I know it's the same person, but seeing this kind of fake pureblood Andromeda as compared to Ted's Andromeda is wonderful!
I'm sorry I don't have much else to review on >.< But I do have a favorite line I'd like to end with! "His words flood from his in a steady stream, and they wash over her, tickle her face and lap at her throat, and she is drowning, drowning under the gentle weight of her world." Ah, so beautiful!!
xoxoAuthor's Response: hahah it is confusing.. I specifically posted these within days of each other because I figured it would take a few chapters for the format to make sense, unless you've seen the film :) happy enlightment lovely!
Not saying NUFFINK.. but there will be about 14 chapters, this is actually horribly difficult to write.
You've hit on the heart of the story - that is exactly what I want to explore. Your review is perfect you silly, and that is my favourite line as well.
Thanks for the review, and sorry for taking FOREVER to respond!
xx Report Review
First off, I don't think the structure was confusing. It was different sure, but not hard to follow or for me to understand what happened. I don't know if I necessarily liked it, but I think it was a really creative decision to make, and THAT I like. It's a little like the Cardoc letters you have in Ripples! In one letter, Cardoc is saying that he refuses to go on vacation with his family, and then in the next, he's on vacation with his family.
I LOVE HOW YOU ENDED THIS!!! Twas a very unique twist to the story. I wanted to say in my last review, that the way you wrote the chapter made it possible for Andromeda to make any decision, including going back! And I'm so happy I was right, albeit secretly hahahaha. Anyway, that was a nice little surprise for this story, and I'm excited to see how she gets out of this arranged marriage. OO LA LAAuthor's Response: I think we already discussed enlightment in the review before, but yes, I seem to have a penchant for doing strange things in the name of creativity :P
love cad, glad everyone else does as well! And yes - the entire piece is designed around the idea that the first chapter could go either way ;)
DOES she get out of the arranged marriage???
Anyway thankyou for reviewing my lovely, it means the world, and if your reviews were less wonderful I could have responded earlier!
Hahaha, Rita and her prompts!
Hm, I can't think of much to say. I like it though!! It felt very poetic and flowy and really descriptive in a non-descriptive way.
I really like how this first chapter was just of Andromeda and her thoughts. Even though you did set up the background, this was more of a "getting to know Andromeda" as a character. I think it was a really unique way of starting off the story, and it really gave this chapter an interesting twist.
Your level of detail was amazing, as always! It kind of like I was flowing through her mind, bouncing back and forth from idea to idea. It was beautifully written :)
Those last few sentences were love!! Because even thought I know her end decision, it was still an nice way of showing Andromeda's struggle! That, and I just love chapters that end with huge question marks.
Ahhh, onward!Author's Response: Rita is a goddess, truly.
I'm glad you liked it, and I applogise for the delay in responding, life has been hectic.
Can never break free of poetic prose, but meh.. may as well play to what I can do :)
Oooh relief there was enough decription/detail, length is a serious issue in this piece! DO you know her end decision? mwhahaha . .
Thankyou for reviewing my lovely. As always, your reviews are superb and I appreciate them so much!
Hey Fanny! I'm here with your review :)
I think you did a very good job of telling Teddy's story and showing character development though these short scenes. I really like how you chose to do it backwards - I really enjoyed watching how is mentality changed and kind of reversed in innocence, but how he didn't really change THAT much as he got older.
I really liked it but when I read your author's note, I realized that I forgot that this was written for the Slytherin Challenge. To be honest, I didn't notice any Slytherin-like qualities, but it wasn't like I noticed Gryffindor qualities or Hufflepuff qualities. I'm not sure if you'll take that as a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know, maybe it was because I wasn't keeping an eye out for it.
Either way, this was a great story! It was very bitter sweet. I wanted to give Teddy a hug because he's seemed so honestly nice, but each scene had a tinge of sad too.
KatrinaAuthor's Response: Hello you!
Teddy is my favorite! Utterly huggable and the sweetest man to ever appear in my imagination! I'm so glad you liked how I developed him. I also love memory sequences and working backwards...I don't know why.
Well, I'm glad you didn't notice any other house traits either! Whoo! And, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I wanted to show how the Slytherin qualities don't neccessarily (I can never spell that!) have to be distinctive, that they are very real. So, the premise is that now that Andromeda has come to the last third of her life, she's focuses her Slytherin attributes into raising Teddy. So, she's very ambitious for him: she pushes him to do well, wants him to succeed even if it means not being as close with Victoire, right? She's also very proud, proud of Teddy, but about seemingly unimportant things, like his appearance. No ripped clothing, brand new robes made from an expensive fabric for him--even if it means she has to go on darning her own clothes a little longer. And her pride takes her to the point of being deceitful--she did need new robes for work, but lied to Teddy when he brought it up to save face in front of the seamstress. Her darning her own clothes, as well as growing her own vegetables is also an example of her resourcefulness, and bringing Teddy's favorite foods to him after they've bickered was a cunning way for her to get his forgiveness (easily given cuz he's such a sweetie) without having to breakdown and apologize first. And, she was determined to carry on after losing so much! I was definitely going for subtlety, but maybe was too subtle! I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway!
Yeah, bitter-sweet is definitely the word I would use for this. Poor Andromeda! I don't know if she'll ever stop being sad...even when Teddy brings her so much joy!
Thanks so much!
--FannyPrice Report Review
Aw Alicia that was the sweetest story ever!! I just loved the way it flowed, and it was just so light and happy, that it made me happy too. :) It felt like one small moment of peace, even though they're in the middle of a war. I think it was great how you reminded the reader of that through the absence of Peter, but still managed to keep the happiness of the story :D
This was my favorite line:
“Well there goes your wand Harry,” Sirius sighed and shook his head in disappointment.
I honestly LOL'ed, just because it felt like a huge "wow, that's great" moment. It was also something I was wondering once the butterflies flew out the window - so did Harry just lose his wand? HAHAHA! I was picturing the butterflies flying away and everyone feeling in awe of how beautiful the whole scene was, and then realizing that the Christmas Present few away, hahahaha.
That was another thing! Your amount of detail was perfect! I've been running into a lot of stories lately from my HPFF forum review thread where the author supplies a little to much detail. This was such a nice change and it was enough to give me an idea of what to picture, but also allowed me to imagine some stuff for myself :)
This is definitely a story to read when I am down :) Wonderful!
xoxoAuthor's Response: Katrina!
Ha, yea. There were some moments in there too that made me chuckle.
Oh I know what you mean! I go through the same thing. There was one story that I just reviewed this morning and I was like, huh? It just didn't make sense.
Thanks for the lovely review dear and happy you enjoyed it. Report Review
Hi Elena! Here I am with your review :)
I love stories that explore minor characters! It was really nice to see your insight on the whole Malfoy situation, as JKR left them with a huge question mark.
To be honest, I didn't like the whole Ginny/Draco, but that's just because I don't like the pairing, hahahaha. I actually went back and re-read it again and Unbiased Katrina thinks it was well played out. The chemistry and little moments between them were sweet! And the way Andromeda and Narcissa were gossiping like two old ladies was funny.
I would've liked to read a scene between the moment of the Final Battle and the last scene, where Andromeda and Narcissa make up and where Draco and Ginny have an "almost friends" moment, just to provide some linkage between the two.
Other than that, I think it was well thought out and planned. I definitely enjoyed the first few scenes the best. I love how you portrayed Narcissa's turning point / epiphany of everything she did wrong, just because it fit really well with JKR's story. And the first line ("She had lied to the Dark Lord, she found her opportunity and she took it.") was a huge "wait, WHAT?" moment for me. It was a great way of telling the reader what point in the story it was, and how Draco and Narcissa reacted to the situation.
Good job!Author's Response: I knew you wouldn't like the Draco/Ginny bit ;) Not many people do, so its okay on that point.
When I wrote this, I wanted to fill in those gaps. We see a part of the Malfoy drama unfold, but not all of it. I think JKR could write a new series just based on them!!! LOL
Also I love this family, even though they are supposed to be on the 'dark side'. Narcissa may have had her own reasons for helping Harry, but the point is...she did help, and that changes everything!
Thank you for this review :) Report Review
Hallo, it's Katrina where with your review from TGS :)
I really like this plot! I lovelove all the requests I get at TGS because everyone there always thinks of such lovely and creative stories! I don't believe I've ever read a squib-centered story. Loads of brownie points!
So the first point I wanted to bring up was how you started out with Rosemary's POV of the whole situation. It was really a great way of showing how families struggle with Squibs. I also enjoyed your characterization of Clare! It was really sweet and innocent, and really showed how she didn't understand what the big problem was.
One thing I think might need to be tweaked was the ending. I don't know, I always feel like chapters need some sort of semi-ending, because though there's another chapter coming up, this chapter is coming to a close. I really liked your last line, but I feel like that last "exactly!" could've been really epic, but it came on too fast to have any affect. That's just my reader pov though, and you're the author :)
Anyway, this was good! Part of me died a little when I realized that its going to be Sirius/OC (OC being Clare, I assume) and I'm so upset that I spoiled it for myself, hahaha. But yeah :) Thanks for requesting!Author's Response: I'm glad you like the plot - I do strive to make it as original as possible, but really, some cliches are way too fun (and hard) to avoid.
Ahh Rosemary! I like her, but not many people seem to...I wanted to show how maligned Squibs are in the Wizarding World, so I used her POV.
I'll go back and have a read over the ending - I do see where you're coming from! Thanks for pointing that out :)
Thanks so much for the great review! Report Review
Hi Emma :) Here I am with your review, yay!
I like this :D Everyone's all about Draco/Hermione or Draco/Ginny. No one ever thinks to focus on the pairing that JKR said actually occurs! The only time I remember reading an Astoria/Draco is when it's a minor shipping.
Anyway in addition to never reading an Astoria/Draco story, I don't think I've ever seen her characterized. I love what you've done with her personality! It seems very stuck up and proud, while still being smart and avoiding the REALLY crazy pureblood mindset. I also find cynical and sarcastic people extremely entertaining :D
I really love this little intro to the story as a whole. It set up the story really well, with the scene and what the Ministry is doing and how everyone's being affected. I also like how you threw in little things to keep me enticed, like Astoria's initial reaction to Draco and how they're going to end up together!
You did a great job! :D
KatrinaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, Katrina. :) Is Drastoria really that uncommon? o.O Wow. Well, I don't really do much of the ordinary, I suppose. XD
I'm so glad you like her personality - I love her, because she's so much fun to write. She hates everyone and everything. I don't think she would have been really crazily pureblood because her family wasn't involved in DE stuff, and I assume they'd at least have one rellie in there if they were.
Again, thank you so much for the review and I'm glad you liked it! Draco and Astoria might not end up together in this story, but it is amusing to think they will eventually get married and have little blonde-haired babies.
- emma xx Report Review
Becca, again this was beautiful.
I can't think of much else to say! The way you conveyed Oliver's emotions and thoughts was so touching! And the way you described the scene and everyone else's reaction to Cedric's death as so moving. Honestly, when you wrote the part about Cedric's father crying, it reminded me of so much and I had to leave the page for a few because I started crying also.
The whole scene was so beautiful beyond words. The mantra was so fitting with the story and how Oliver was feeling - ah!
I think my favorite part was when Cho came out and talked told Oliver that Cedric loved him. It was just a really wonderful way of comforting Oliver without comforting him, and was a great way to end the story. I love this whole idea of him standing outside the door, unsure of if he even belongs. It was a nice representation of their whole relationship - unsure, kind of on the edge, and in the end not even really occuring.
I know I keep saying beautiful, but that's the only word that comes to mind :) So, beautiful.Author's Response: Hey Katrina!
I am so sorry that it took me this long to answer this. Inexcusable. life's been way too busy. :)
It's wonderful to hear that the mantra worked out well... and the description... and the cho scene. There was so much in this fic that made me nervous. I'm glad that it worked out.
Melissa Report Review
Haha, yes this was a much happier fic than the last one you requested :)
What I'm really enjoying about this story is the way you're straying away from the general fluff cliches and really making this your own. It's very refreshing :D
The way you're developing this is also wonderful! Each chapter has it's ups and downs but little by little, I feel things coming together. And again about the subtle important details - lovelovelove!
Great job! FAVORITES! :)Author's Response: Yay! Favorites! Woot!
It is much happier, isn't it? haha..ahhh, murder...anyway, I'm glad you think my story is creative and detailed and you like it so much! Thanks so much for the reviews! They really made my day! Report Review
Those were my only reactions throughout the whole chapter. You did such a good job conveying all the emotions throughout the story! It just feel so heart-wrenching and sad for Andromeda.
Haha, not much else to say! I will have more and better feedback at the end of the story :)Author's Response: :) : /
I'm glad you empathize with Andromeda. Thanks so much for the review! Don't be too sad! Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your review from the forum!
First off, I just wanted to say how much I loved your story summary and banner!! The banner was adorable and I'm actually wondering who you used as the red head? As for the summary - it completely pulled me in! It made me smile and gave me a really good idea of what I was getting into (without giving anything away, of course) :D
So I actually wrote that first paragraph before I read the story, to make sure I wouldn't forget it, hahaha. But anyway, that was wonderful!! Honestly, when I finished I thought, 'I hope there's more!' And I checked the chapters to see how many there were :D
I completely love the way you've set this story up. The idea of Andromeda being disgusted by all the pureblood madness yet still maintaining her proud and slightly haughty demeanor was great characterization. I love how you slid in a little Ted Tonks intro, and the part where Arthur was fascinated by the record player was adorable.
Ah, I have figured out how to word what I'm saying! I love how you weave in all these little details and ideas, while setting up the story. I think it just shows how good of a writer you are, that you can subtly sneak in important facts whilst maintaining the bigger picture :D
This was my favorite line: “We’re not breaking any rules, Black!” She heard someone in the back spit.
“Do you see me handing out detentions?” She retorted.
Haha, I just thought it was hilarious! I even mouthed it a little with the attitude I imagined her giving. It was a great, 'wow, you're stupid.' moment, which I love :D
KatrinaAuthor's Response: Hello and thanks so much for the review!
First of all: the redhead is Christina Hendricks of Firefly and Mad Men fame. She's perfect isn't she? And, I'm glad you enjoyed the summary, too! I'm also glad that you enjoyed the story so much that you wanted to continue reading!
I really like this chapter, too. So, I appreciate hearing that, and I'm glad you liked the way I introduced the characters. That's a very nice compliment! *blushes*
And Andromeda and her attitude...Andromeda is love. She is one of my favorites to write, and I'm glad you enjoy her as much as I do!
Hey George! It's Katrina from TGS, here with your review!
I really like how you developed this story! It was really creative, and I can tell you thought it through and stuff.
First thing I wanted to point out was your description. In the non-dialogue areas, it was fantastic! I could almost picture everything happening, like a movie and I really understood the story and what was going on. But then in the long dialogue areas, like with the fight between Gregory's dad and the lord, it seemed like you forgot to include all those little descriptions. It seemed a little like it was just bouncing back and forth.
I think the ending could have been fleshed out a little more, just to show how Gregory didn't need a potion to gain friends, that he just needed to be his caring self. Or at least that was the impression I got..? Hahaha
Other than that, I liked it! It seemed really sweet and kind sad how Gregory had to go through so much at Hogwarts. I really enjoyed the memories that you included, and how you showed how they shaped him into the person he became.
The first scene with his mother was definitely my favorite, just because it was so sad and was a great intro to Gregory's life and all he had to go through. Seriously, I pouted when I read this line, “You know Gregory you can’t buy friends.” It was so touching and sad at the same time. I just wanted to hop into the story and give him a hug!
Good job! :)Author's Response: Hey Katrina! Thanks for the review! I'm really glad you picked up on the main line of this piece. "You can't buy friends" is the theme that I was shooting for. I don't know if I needed to add anymore to the end. It was supposed to show that Gregory is twisted. He wants friends but can not be content with losing his enormous pride and desires. It's just plain tragic to see him struggle with this to the point that he mocks his own mother. As far as dialogue goes, I have always been criticized on how little I describe when presenting it. This is due most of the time to my failure to see the need for more description. Maybe it's because I have a vivid image in my own mind of characters conversing and I expect the reader to as well. In any case it is apparent that I am not meeting my audience's expectations and I must come up with a process for identifying areas where the dialogue needs to be more than mere jargon. Thank you so much the review! I'm glad you liked it! I just have to read a piece by you sometime! Report Review
Hello lovely! :)
Becca, you write so beautifully! It feels so poetic and when I'm reading, it feels like it's flowing through me and like feeling the story somehow.
This plot itself is fantastic. I really enjoy one-shots that are snippets of a bigger picture, and I love what you've done with this one. I love how you gave me pieces of the background stories without really telling them. I also really like that you used other words besides him, her, Lily and Severus. I really like when authors get creative with their pronounce and I especially liked how you called Severus "the rejected boy" at the end. I feel like it says so much about his character and their relationship, just in that one phrase.
The whole story was very sweet in a sad sort of way. I also liked the question mark ending, as it kind of represents their relationship as a whole.
Aw, I love it Becca! :DAuthor's Response: You really are far too sweet, lovely :D.
This certainly was not meant to be poetic. I've never seen my writing as that, but to hear it called that is a great compliment.
I love one shots like that too (they are my favourite kind to write :P).
It's always been a technique of mine not to spell things out, and I;m glad you like it that way. I do see Severus as the rejected boy for msot of his life- he is rejected by his parents, by Lily and by his peers.
I'm really glad you enjoyed this! Thank you so much for the lovely review! :D Report Review
Hellooo, I'm here with your review from the forums :)
This was great! I think the beginning was fantastic, and really caught my attention. This chapter itself, could have worked really well as a one-shot! I think the Lydia's rant was a little be over-strung, but not enough to take away from the story. There was a few grammatical errors, but I could still feel all the emotions in the story! You did a wonderful job :)Author's Response: Why thank you so very much! It's great to hear that it could have stood alone, i never thought about it that way. Report Review
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