these cliffhangers are really killing me hahaha Report Review
I loved this update!! It's so nice to have some chapters that aren't as sad as usual..even though this one is kinda down too, hahaha. But it's nice to move away from the whole Rose/Scorp/Daisy drama, although I'm excited to see what you have in store next! :) Report Review
Oh my gosh, these CLIFFHANGERS! Report Review
Wow, I can honestly say I was not expecting that, but it was a wonderful surprise! I'm so proud of all the decisions Rose made in this chapter! It's not like she has control of all of the situations in the past, but this time she's really doing this for herself and watching her own back. She's being so mature!!! Forgiving Daisy like that & telling Scorpius to leave!!! WOW. This chapter was so uplifting for the story :) Report Review
Mel this is wonderful!! I'm so glad you're continuing this story!! I really haven't been visiting hpff lately, but seeing that you updated this was such a wonderful surprise! You're amazing!
KatrinaAuthor's Response: Thanks, Katrina! I'm happy to be updating again! I appreciate the review. :-)
Melanie Report Review
O!!! What a cute start :D Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review from the forums :)
I do like the way you've introduced this story! It seems very intriguing and curious. I think the only criticism I can give is that it feels a little bit cliche. The plot of introducing an OC who has read the books and knows what is going to happy is something that I've seen in other stories before.
However, yours is much better written and a lot more developed than those. So, I wish you luck! You're off to a great start :) Report Review
Hello! Sorry it took a while for me to get to this follow-up review, but I'm here now!
This chapter was pretty confusing also.. I'm not so sure what happened again.
If I could just make a writing suggestion -
"Charlotte wrapped her old house robe over her nightgown. She passed a towel through her damp hair, dried her hands and placed her ancient silver cross in the jewellery case. Charlotte studied her reflection for a while and ran a hand through her slightly greying hair. She followed this pattern each night, not for the fear of misplacing anything, but she enjoyed the routine of a comfortable lifestyle."
I feel like that so much of that paragraph was unncessary. Not in the sense that it was pointless, just that you wrote more than you had to. It wasn't essential for the reader to konw that she towel dried her hair, and then dried her hands, and then put the cross in the jewelry case. I think it would've better if you simply rephrased it as something along the lines of "Every night, Charlotte went through the same routine. She would towel-dry her hair, carefully put away her cross, and then went through the daunting task of studying her aging face in the mirror. It was a very unnecessary and pointless routine, yet she enjoyed it nevertheless."
I'm not saying it has to be exactly like that, but I hope you get the idea of summarizing the activities AROUND, the point of the paragraph.
Again, I do see potential in this story! I think it's important for you to organize this better and really figure out where you want this story to go before you plot things out. Report Review
Hello! Sorry it's taken me so long to review this D:
Again, really great update. I love the way you're developing this story. I'm always afraid of writing characters that are really well developed, not even in HP, but all characters - Sam and Dean included. You're writing them really well though; everything they do and say is very believable :)
This addition of Caitlyn and Riley is such a great twist! The first thing I though when they handed Sam and Dean their address was that it might be a trap. I have a feeling there are more twists in this story than you make it to seem, and it's putting me on edge. Which is a great thing!
I absolutely love how you ended the story, with that murder spin. Ah! Such a great cliffy :DD
Great job again!Author's Response: Hey Katrina! It's okiedokie.
Thanks! I'm glad you are enjoying it. Oh, that is something I am constantly worrying about with this story because they are such amazing characters and I do not want to mess them up.
I'm glad that you found it surprising. Nah, it's not a trap. They are legit. Oh yes, I got plenty more twists planned for this story. Hehe, I'm glad it is.
I'm glad you liked that. I originally wasn't going to introduce Devon and Lilith so soon, but this story is beginning to take on a life of its own and it made the decision.
Thanks! And thanks so much for another lovely review!
I think this was a great introduction to the story. It was a nice summary of what's going on, but shown through a scene - which I love :D
I don't know if I can comment too much on characterization, just because I haven't seen much of the characters. So far, however, the characterization seems to be pretty solid. I can't really tell if Rose is a brave person, who is just scared of the situation, or who is scared for Mitchell because they have a relationship? Or maybe she's not a brave person?
I actually feel like this is the perfect length for a chapter. Personally, I always say, "the longer, the better!" But I know a lot of readers get tired of reading really long chapters. I think this would satisfy those readers, because this length is very middle ground. It's not too long, and not too short, and you don't really feel the length either because it's a nice read :D
Again, very mysterious, very curious, and very intriguing. If I had anything to criticize, it might be to throw some more hints at the reader, but it's not that big of a deal. I feel like your summary takes care of the information well enough. That being said, perhaps you should spice up your summary a little. Maybe end it with some sort of question mark, draw the reader in a little more. I feel like it didn't flow too much, if that makes any sense.
Great job though! :DAuthor's Response: Hi again!
I am so glad you liked it. Hmm...well I would say Rose is a pretty brave girl, considering what she's gone through. She's just scared of the situation, and also scared for Mitchell because of how long she has known him.
Oh good! I was very worried about the chapter length. I thought it was a good deal shorter than it should be. So that puts my mind at ease.
Thanks for pointing out the summary to me. I've been thinking about getting some advice on what I should do about making it sound better, but I never did it. Thanks again for the reviews! They were loads of help! ^_^
~amandatonks Report Review
Hello!! This is Katrina from TGS with your requested review :)
I think this beginning was really good, especially with the vibe you were going for. It was very mysterious and kind of makes me feel like I'm walking through a dark, smoky tunnel. It was very elusive for the reader, but I'm assuming that's what you wanted, so that's good :D
I think the length was fine. It's a prologue, so it doesn't have to be long, and it achieved that sense of intrigue for the reader!
Onward :DAuthor's Response: Hi there Katrina! Thank you! Yes, the elusive feeling was exactly what I was going for. :) Okay. It's comforting to know that the length was good, although I was more worried about the first chapter since this one is just the prologue. Thanks for stopping by to review! Your feedback was very useful. :)
~amandatonks Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your TGS requested review :D
This was a great first chapter! It was like a bang without a bang. Very mysterious indeed!
I really enjoyed the way you laid everything out really well, and gave the reader a fair amount of information to work with. I think my favorite part of this chapter was the way you kept referring to Mad-Eye. It was really clever, especially since we know from the books that he was her mentor.
Really great job! :D As usual, though hahahaAuthor's Response: Hello Katrina!
Thank you so much for the thoughtful review. As always, I really appreciate your feedback. I'm so glad you enjoyed the prologue. To be honest, I was quite unsure about it myself. Opening chapters are always terribly tricky for me to write. ;)
Again, thanks for everything! Your reviews are always so kind. Take care!
celticbard Report Review
Hello! I haven't been reviewing your updates lately, but I really have been enjoying the story! I feel like you're progressing it really well, and I always look forward to and update from you! :)
I really enjoyed this chapter in particular, just because it showed the strain on their relationship the most. Like where Lily and James were shocked when Sirius talked to Debbie in the Great Hall, or also when Sirius didn't want to help out Debbie with her Quidditch problems.
I think you're doing a wonderful job with making a Sirius and Debbie relationship progress without really progressing. I can't wait until the Ray/Debbie situation is addressed :D
Loving it!!Author's Response: thank you, thats lovely to hear! and that was what I was trying to get across - the strain thing so yay! glad you're liking the story and I hope you keep reading! Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review :)
I definitely think this story has potential, but just like you said, it needs revision. I'm really not sure what happened in this chapter at all. I understand the characters, but besides Jonathan and Charlotte, I don't know their relations with each other.
My point is, I can tell that this chapter is well thought out in your head. But you haven't seemed to convey that to the reader. You're throwing a lot of hints at the reader that I don't understand. I feel like the plot is complex and I want to understand what is going on, but I don't =
I think un-confuseify this, you need to start out with more background for the reader. Maybe some sort of shocking prologue that shows a scene that is being referred to in the chapter? Just a suggestion.
I really feel that once you the readers get more information, they'll understand and enjoy this story so much more. But if a reader is confused, he/she might not even finish reading the chapter, let alone the story. I hope this helps! Report Review
Hi Jo! I'm here to review the story!
I love this chapter! First off, think separating each house was a great idea. It really showed all lot of the unexpected similarities between the houses. I definitely wouldn't have imagined some Ravenclaws thinking that Grindlewald was logical!! And it was nice to see Orion and them looking at the other Slytherins like they were stupid.
I really enjoyed the order you put it in. It was like from the "Bad" guys to the "Good" guys -- but in reality, both were pretty stupid save a few.
I'm sad I didn't read this in the regular order, because I can feel the importance of it to the story. It was a great chapter just because it showed everyone's perspective on this war, and how immature almost everyone was (as in the student body) .
Don't worry about this chapter not being noticed! It'll be read by the many new readers you'll get and they will enjoy it and love it to no end!
xoxoAuthor's Response: Katrina my dear! Thankyou for reviewing, this chapter is terribly lonely! I'm so glad enjoyed this chapter, it's not my favourite, but I think it was quite necessary for the plot and to make the transition to Christmas.
You know what? totally didn't pick up on that order significance, but you're right!
I'm not too fussed about this chapter being read because the view count has gone up, but for ages it was v. v. low and made me sad :( Newer readers actually get a much better experience because I've edited extensively and add chapter images and all.
You are a darling Kat, I appreciate your cheerleading and enthusiasm so much!
xx Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your review from the forums!
STANDING OVATION. THAT WAS BRILLIANT.
Honestly, it's for stories like this that I keep open my review thread. I'm so sad that I've put this story off for so long! The minute I was linked to this story and saw the page, I knew it'd be amazing. Just by the banner and your perfect summary...YAY!
This was definitely one of the best Snape/Lily's I've ever read. It was so beautiful and poetic and completely evoked every single emotion to the reader. I've read stories where authors overdo the emotion a little too much, and it makes my brain hurt to have to read it. But this! This was like sitting outside on the bench in the rain without an umbrella, and just letting yourself get soaked and just kind of wallow. I didn't have to really think when I read this; it was more of a reading and automatically feeling.
I specifically love the way you used the pronouns. The vagueness just added to the personal feel of the story, because why would you need to name names, when it's obvious who we're talking about. It really felt like the reader was in Snape's mind and experiencing these emotions.
AGH! So great! I'm definitely going to favorite this and recommend it to people! :DAuthor's Response: I really don't know how to respond to this review! It just totally made my day. :'D
I'm incredibly flattered that you think so highly of this piece. I've actually been debating whether or not to open my own one-shots and short story collections review thread for that very reason; I love it when I stumble across hidden gems and it makes me so happy to hear that this is what my story was for you! Hehe, though I'll have to credit the banner to Musicbox @ TDA. It's absolutely gorgeous, isn't it?
It's definitely a relief to hear that you didn't think the emotions were overdone. I was certainly worried about that, which is why I tried to not have the story dwell on describing actual emotions as much as just stating 'facts' and leaving the emotions to the reader to feel. It's gratifying to hear that it read accordingly.
As for not mentioning any names, that's definitely why I chose to tell the story the way I did. I'm glad you liked that approach!
You are far too kind. Thank you very much for the day-brightening review, for the favorite, and EEK! for recommending it to others! Report Review
Hi Alicia! I'm here with your review from the forums!
I can't tell you how glad I was when you put this in my review thread! I remember talking to you about it on msn, and every time you mention it, it seems to develop more and more. I'm so glad you threw it at me, or else it would have kept sitting on that long list I have of stories I want to read.
The only sort of criticism I can think of is something that was once told me to me and I will be passing along to you. Try to practice a bit more of "show, not tell." I feel like the argument between Scorpius and Rose could have had some more emotion, to really make the reader feel the strain in their relationship.
I really liked how you started it out from Sophie's POV, but then once you got past the beginning, she disappeared! I think, as a reader, I would've really understood Sophie's worry if you showed the whole fight from her POV. Then again, that's more of a Katrina thing and this is YOUR story not mine :D
Other than that, I don't think I have any sort of downers to bring up lol. I really like the way you're developing it, even within this first chapter. Your hear work on the plot is evident and I can tell that there is more to come in bits and pieces. Even though this was just one fight, I got the impression that it's one of many and the problem of Rose and family v. job still hasn't been solved! DUMDUMDUMMM
Katrina xoxoAuthor's Response: Hey Katrina!
Gah, I'm sorry for taking so long to reply and this short response, but thank you so much for your input!
xx Report Review
Hello Ty! I'm here with your review from the forums!
I was curious, and felt that I owed it to you since it's taken me a bit of time to review this story, so I read all the previous chapters.
I really like this story. It's very different, especially in your characterization of Victoire. I'm so used to seeing either perfect Victoire or mean Victoire...this is very refreshing.
Your plot also seems to be well thought out. I can feel little hints and things being thrown at me, although I can't completely tell what they are or what they mean. I'm really enjoying it overall though. I think the only thing I'm confused about is her condition. At first I thought she was transforming into some sort of bird, but then the fairy thing lost me. But other than that, it's love!! It has that mysterious x factor that makes me want to keep reading! :D
Great job!Author's Response: You are such a darling for reading so many chapters! I am so excited that you liked the story and Vic.
I have put a bit of planning in - with a mystery, you really need to know where you are going with it. Hopefully, everything will be crystal clear in time, but it wouldn't be much fun if it all made complete sense up front.
Victoire transforms into a bird - a snidget, to be precise - although I might need to drop a few more hints upon revision of that first transformation. I wonder if I may have been too subtle there. No one has guessed yet, or if they have, they didn't leave it in a comment.
Not leaving enough is as bad as giving too much away so it is tremendously helpful to get feedback on that - knowing what is in store makes it difficult for me to judge sometimes.
The fairies definitely have an agenda - unrelated to her condition - but at the moment they are mostly a pain for Victoire.
Thanks so much for the review!
~Ty Report Review
I don't think it was confusing at all! It reminds me of one of those roman numeral formatted stories, where they mix up the order or do it backwards, except this is more drawn out.
Personally, I'm not a fan of backwards stories, because I like to be surprised by the ending. But with this story, I can be surprised by the beginning, which is really cool too! Like right now I'm really curious as to why she ended up with Teddy when she really loved Gideon. And I also want to know why Teddy is alright with this. -frown- Man up Ted! Fight fo' yo' woman!
Hahaha, anyway, this was great as usual :) Love ittt!
KatrinaAuthor's Response: Hahaha! Actually, I'm not a big fan of backwards stories, but I really felt like I should give it a go. It's been so confusing and tricky trying to get the plot to work in my head as well as on the page, so I'm so pleased you don't mind the format. As you said, I think it'll be interesting to see how things caused the events that are written about first, because it's like finding the pieces of the puzzle - you know what it'll look like at the end but you dont know how just yet. So much fun :D Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
Marina Report Review
Hi Marina! I'm here with your review :)
You did a really wonderful job with this. I actually tried to read this a couple of times already, but couldn't get myself into the right mindset. This is one of those stories that you need to read each and every word to fully understand what is going on - and I still don't know what happened LOL
But the mystery aspect was wonderful. In the back of my head, I was trying to figure out who was who the whole entire time. I still don't know (except for Teddy - but you gave that to me LOL, and I don't know WHICH Teddy), but it's made me want to continue reading to find out.
The way you wrote this was just really beautiful. I really loved the line, "He wove in and out of their lives like needle and thread, the figures of eight making her dizzy with confusion and each time her life changed path." I just thought it sounded really poetic and was a great comparison to someone who changes your life in such an amazing yet brief way.
Onward :)Author's Response: I think what I was trying to get here was that mystery, so I'm sort of glad you were confused ;) Ted is Ted Tonks, if that helps you at all! I hope to reveal more as the story progresses... or rewinds, however you want to look at it. But for now, mystery it is! thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review from the forums :)
You asked for just a general view, so that's what I'll be doing. The only critique I can think of is more of a personal opinion than anything. I feel like this chapter was cliche. Just by the way Lily was perfect and that James suddenly got his act together...it reminded me of a romantic comedy movie.
I also want to suggest that you fancy up your summary. At the moment, it sounds like the typical Lily/James set up. I understand that most L/J stories are like that but the good ones have a twist that attracts the readers. I'm sure your story has one too, so why don't you add it or hint at it in the summary - it'll be a great way to attract readers! :)
Other than that, I think you did a good job! Everything was very well written. Sometimes I have to criticize an author's grammar but yours was perfect and on point! It also shows that you've put effort into your story, not only by looking it over, but also by the amount of detail you have in this chapter. All the little things Lily does and thinks, and Alice's actions and stuff - wonderful detail! :)
Good job!Author's Response: Hey there,
Thanks so much for your review. I agree with you, this chapter is a bit cliche. In fact, its pretty corny. I've kind of evolved with this story though. I wrote that first chapter over 3 years ago, when I was just experimenting with that story. I do think the rest of my story moves away from it a bit though.
As for the summary...I totally agree with you and you must have read my mind because I was thinking about that last night. I actually had an idea last night how to change it, I just haven't done it yet. You've solidified my decision now though, haha :)
I'm also glad you've noticed the details, that's something I work pretty hard on.
Glad that the grammar was okay...I've only revised this story about a bagillion times ;) Again, thanks so much for reading!! I appreciate it :) Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your review from the forums! I'm sorry this has taken so long.
Hahaha, I thought it was funny how you included in your request that you'll take the risk.
This was actually very well written, and I really enjoyed it. The whole plot was very flowy and beautifully written. The only thing I have to critique is that the kiss/moment seemed a little abrupt. I would've liked to see some sort of foreshadowing just to give the reader a heads up.
But other than that it was very good! Great job!Author's Response: Haha well thank you, dear! Report Review
Gah! This is such a fantastic story! Every time I think anything MINORLY critical, you switch it up and do something that puts my thought to shame.
I don't even know what to write. Amazing?!
I just favorited this!Author's Response: *blushes greatly*
Aw, thank you! It's always great to read reviews from you! And favorite-ing it? WOW! Sweet! Thanks! Report Review
Hello! I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to review this! As an apology, I will also review chapter 7! (aka I want to read chapter 7 hahaha)
This was fantastic! Once again, I am in awe of the way you balance the dark and the light. I was going through this chapter and began to think, 'Hm, something bad needs to happen because everything seems too perfect." and then BAM! Fred is blind.
I love the way you write out all the scenes, especially the way you use comic relief! Gah! You write amazingly! :D onward!Author's Response: Considering how long it's taken me to reply to the review, I think we are very much even and that there is no need for you to apologize. :) However, reading a second chapter does give me warm fuzzies, if that means anything to you.
Thank you so much for a wonderful review! I do like to try and keep a good balance of fun and serious in my fics, just to make sure nothing gets too depressing, so glad you like that! And yes, poor Fred. Sorry about that, but I did pull the boy back from the dead. He couldn't come through completely unscathed. It just wouldn't have been realistic.
Thanks again, for such kind words! Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your review from the forums! I apologize for taking so long to get back to you!
This is a personal thing but I feel like it's a huge part of developing the story. I don't enjoy when author's start the story with character list, because it really takes away from character development. All of the information you included in this chapter could have been weaved into the story and helped develop your story so much more. Also, the first chapter is essential in capturing the reader's attention. I feel like a character list doesn't provide for any intrigue or really introduce any sort of plot.
In your request, you also asked if it was cliche - I'm sorry, but it does seem a little bit, because of your characterizations. For example, making Rose perfect girl who has everything but "something" goes wrong - it reminds of me of many other stories. I think one of the things about cliches is that they're really hard to avoid and are found in most stories, even in good ones. But the thing is the way you USE the cliches and develop the story. I wasn't able to get much of a feel for any of that because of the character list. =
Critiques aside, I did get the impression that you've thought this story out very thoroughly. Just the sheer amount of detail and information that you've put into this chapter, shows how thought out this is. I'd just suggest a reformat or something along those lines!
Also, I'm just one person with one opinion, and I haven't read any of your other stories or even any other chapters of this story. :) Happy writing!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I'm really torn about this chapter because of the whole description list thing. I realize that it can bother people, which is the last thing I wanted to do, but I just have had zero inspiration on how to rewrite/reformat it, or if I even want to. Arg! If you can't already tell, first chapters aren't my strong point haha, I just don't know what to do!
Thanks again for your review, I'll take all you said into consideration :D Report Review
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