Hey slytherinchica08! Ellie here to review you back for the review swap. Thanks for your lovely review btw, hope to reply to it soon~
One of the best features of this story is the fact that you are focusing on Slytherin. Here, here to our house! I always love dynamic representations of Slytherins and the inner-house dynamics that no one gets to see because Harry Potter is told from a (biased) Gryffindor's perspective. So I love your initial setup already and when you touched upon the fact that they protected each other in an odd way that may not make sense to most. The have to uphold the best interest of their house, their families, and then themselves. Their tradition and legacy is what makes them powerful and gives them purpose.
Well, all but Tracey (yay for using an underrated canon character as your MC!!!). I assume you went the canon route and she's a half-blood who's parents separated because of the strain magic created in their lives, yes? And I assume her blood line is what she's trying to keep secret or just the divorce? As a child of divorce I feel for Tracey's situation; however, I think there needs to be a tangible reason that the reader can understand for why Tracey thinks she is the cause. If Tracey was younger, oh say under 13, then yeah everyone thinks everything is their fault then. But I assumed she was older and even older teenagers although they made still be ego, ego, ego would probably think of other reasons why their parents got divorced. However, this detail begs the question how old/what year are they in?
& The obvious question: will the war play a role? These are the things I'm curious about and want to learn more of ;)
I liked the shift in POV to Theo. The flow was really nice and you showed the reader you can do dialogue and action, which was a lovely change of pace. And the plot twist at the end definitely was a great way to hook your reader into the rest of your story! You want to know what's going to happen. How Theo is going to use Tracey? How Tracey is going to react, if at all, to Theo's pursuits? What about Daphne? Will she come out? All betrayal, intrigue, and scandal from here, which is awesome! *cackles* Hope for more action and showing in the rest of the story, as well as watching the chaos as the Slytherins protect their secrets and livelihood. Nifty plot, solid characters.
xx EllieAuthor's Response: YAY! This is just such a wonderful review and its left me with all of these feels! I'm so glad that you enjoyed the story and where i'm going with it! I love the slytherins and wanted to show a different side of them, one that not many people would get to see! Plus I got addicted to Gossip Girl and wanted a way to use that in the HP world and this was the result! So many questions! The only way you will find out what will be happening is if you continue to read on! Thank you so much for the wonderful review!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Hello! Ellie here from the HPFF forums, reviewing for some fun holiday swap. I've always wanted to read this, since the summary used to say something along the lines of 'Hogwarts' first unrequited romance'. This review has been a long time coming haha. Also, I already read (gobbled up in seconds) the first chapter, so I am compiling two reviews into one here ;)
I loved the brief narrative style of the first chapter. In under 1,000 words you set the characters, tone, and setting for your entire story. It was succinct and powerful. You showed us the Baron's pain and gave us foresight for his emotions. You brought the reader in, which is a fantastic tool as a writer. So naturally I had to read more haha.
Ok. So I genuinely love this era and so few people can quite master the language that needs to accompany the Founders. But you have done it, and with so much dialogue too! You don't shy away from writing dialogue (which I find myself doing with Founders), you embrace it fully and do a really good job of capturing the era. Name selection, the houseelves responsibilities, courting, birthrites, etc. Like your A/N states, I see where you have made up little bits of norms here and there, but nothing stands out as impossible.
Because I can never leave a review without some concrit:
I understand Venn needs to get married to earn the crown, but he seemed pretty against the idea or at least his options. Maybe more examples would have made that more concrete so that his interest in Helena's beauty would seem less quick and unprovoked. He was too quick to cave to hearing of her beauty in my opinion. BUT that does set the tone for his downfall quite nicely. So I'm torn on this aspect; hence why some examples of his opinion of other court girls might be nice?
Also, "Salazar's demise" -- Venn seems to wish the end of his uncle here. Demise is strong word in my opinion o.O Unless he does want his uncle to perish soon. Wonder why at that.
Oppositely, such telling lines like these make this a powerful story and show off your talents as a writer: "unwilling to allow himself to become paranoid like his uncle" and "navigating the small fortune of jewels that graced her fingertips and planting a soft kiss on a bit of exposed skin", etc, etc. These simply pieces of description show the reader so much! Insight into the character's like woah! Fantastic show instead of tell. You could have been like, they are stinking rich, but no you didn't. You let the reader figure that out.
Venn is a lovely name and I feel for his character thus far. He's in a sticky spot, but hey he's still a man with "baser needs" as your Salazar put it haha. He likes wealth and beauty and we can see the contrast in his older and younger self. I feel for him already, because we know what will happen in the end, but I await his journey to sorrow. I'm a sucker for angst I guess :P
& I cannot wait to meet Helena as well. She's such an interesting character to me. I personally find her to be quite the Slytherin in nature, but I'm curious how you will portray her ;)
xx EllieAuthor's Response: Hi Ellie! Sorry this response took so long!
Yes, the summary did contain that line at one point, but I changed it up hoping to attract more readers (and entertain myself). It might get changed again at some point, who knows? Anyway, I'm glad you wanted to check it out.
I'm glad everything seems period-appropriate to you, especially the dialogue. I definitely didn't want to go the thees and thous direction, but I also didn't want things to sound too casual or modern, so it's been a difficult line to toe. I like to think I've done a pretty good job, and it's great that you agree.
Venn is very... mercurial. I've been struggling with trying to establish his intentions throughout the story. Right now, he's very shallow, thinking mostly of his impending takeover of his father's kingdom. His interest in Helena's beauty, a very temporary and surface characteristic, and his callous way of thinking about the end of Salazar's life were intended to reflect that. I'm struggling even more now while trying to play between his continued childishness and his growing affection for Helena. Your critique helps to steer me along as I try to work that out, and I really appreciate you pointing these bits out.
Anyway, glad the imagery works well! I firmly believe in show and NOT tell, as I so often tell people in reviews, so I'm happy that you like it and feel like I executed that style well.
I'm happy you're enjoying getting to know Venn, and that you're curious about Helena. I hope you read on to further discover each of them--or at least how I've portrayed them!
Thanks for this very kind review :)
-Amanda Report Review
The beautiful banner drew me in...as all your banners do *cough*...and I'm so happy (I feel like happy is not the right word) to have read this. It was a very different take on post-Hogwarts life and I feel like it's only going to get darker.
& the plot twist at the end! Very nice. I can't say I ever favored reading Draco fics. I always paired him as alone and desolate forever...but maybe, just maybe between you and peppersweet, Drastoria might become one of my more enjoyable pairings to read. There is so much room for originality. I love that you still mentioned Pansy and I laughed that she couldn't grasp the concept of "seeing other people"...esp when he decides to see a therapist. I almost hope that he gets better, but I like his tortured soul. It's seems appropriate for all the deeds he was involved in.
Looking forward to the rest, hope that posting this and all the positive feedback inspires you like you want :)
xx EllieAuthor's Response: Hee, I really really wanted to put more ultramarine banners on the archive, and I forget whether the fic or the banner came first xD Because i have a habit of writing fics around banners.
It's strange; a lot of people think it's going to get more romantic, and you're the first to think that it's going to get darker. I think the first chapter is pretty indicative of the rest, but I've never actually intended for this fic to be overtly romantic, so you're closer to the mark! The thing about Draco getting better - the past never truly goes away does it? And it shouldn't, I think.
Hee ♥ Julia solidified my love for Drastoria. Before her, I had an inkling that I'd like the ship, but I'd never read any Drastoria before. Her downtrodden characters fit my fancy too well.
♥ thank you so much! It definitely has; I never expected this response! If only I had more time xD Report Review
"AZKABAN HAS A ONE LETTER PER MONTH POLICY, WE CAN MANAGE!" -LOL! It is lines like these that really get me. SO FUNNY! This story is chock-full of originality, spunk and sugar just like your funky banner and banner banter suggests. I don't really have any substantial comments or criticisms, which is unlike me, so I'm sorry about the shortness of the reviews. I'm at a loss.
Your diction is precise and excellent. I miss Fred already, but I adore Albus, Rose, and Lucy. The cousins are all absolutely barmy and unique, like nothing next-gen I've ever read. Albus is such a baby, Rose is a nutcase, and Lucy is a hilarious instigator. & the dynamics between Scorpius and Anjali make me want to barf, barf, barf. Not interested in them, I hope they just *bleck* What entertains me that you flip the typical switch. You still give the Malfoys power in the world when many authors don't. I like this, it shows how truly ambitious they are and why they were put into Slytherin into the first place. Which brings me to the house dynamics, they are lovely. Over the top, but in the best way and not cliche in my opinion, just accurate. OH and the ending, Bea can be so vengeful, I wonder what lies beneath her hate for Malfoy and Anjali...it's got to be something deeper than it appears.
Off to read the next chapter...curious to learn more!
I remember, my first slew of chapters are so crazy when I introduce all the characters 8D Hee, I'm glad you like it. Strangely enough, this whole cast is just how I imagined next gen initially; I really hadn't read many other fics to influence me, sans Julia's Starving Artists (thus the homage to crazy!Rose and artist!Lucy amongst other things).
It's been 13 chapters since, but omg I still remember how absolutely horrendously barfy Scorpius used to be xD what a smarmy. It's why I love him. I remember wondering to myself, well, if the Malfoys were to stay in power, there's one obvious way they could it, and that was business. I like to play with archetypes early in my fics just so I can defy it later. Even with Bea, I remember everyone thinking she was this hyper biscuit inhaler, which she totally is, but she's smarter than she seems and resents it when people don't see her that way, and that's a huge part of her later story.
♥ thank you so much for the reviews! Report Review
Hey Gina! It's elliesaurus rex. from TGS, doing the review swap :) Sorry it's the last possible day, I'm the worst, but hopefully these reviews make up for it! Also, apparently I've already reviewed the first chapter for the 10 year anniversary haha silly me so here is my first review for the swap on chapter 2 :P
OMG LOUIS! I want more of his prissy artistic nature in the future. Pwease. He is so high strung, I love it!
"Your bribes were delicious and unsuccessful." - Haha, glad Bea's got a sense of stability to her, sugar-high and all, and I like the social commentary. I can't help but think of capitalism with the mentions of profit maximization, etc, etc. I hope for much social commentary and the like in future chapters :)
Kudos on the creativity all around with this story. There is so much to like about it: strong characters, who seem very accurate to their upbringing thus far, a realistically modern Hogwarts complete with hijinks and insanity, and oodles of creativity. Never would I have thought of something like this ever! Off to the next chapter...Bea is such a silly girl, I can't imagine would will come out of her mouth next haha.
-EllieAuthor's Response: Oh nooo they're wunderbar!
There is unfortunately a lack of Louis (what with my ridiculously large cast), but perhaps Lucy will spar with him again. There is not enough space in the family (even the Weasley family) for two artists!
I'm always flailing around about handling high society and fancy economics because half the time I'm making guesses about them, but I hope to present a somewhat realistic view of it. Both Bea and Scorpius have kind of naive views of the world in this sense, it turns out.
Thanks so much! :D This fic totally took on a life of it's own. Sometimes I have no idea how any of this came to be, but now I can't imagine it not existing in my head. Report Review
Awww, finally! Louis deserved his happy ending, in all aspects. It was nice to see him grow up yet still be himself in every way. Your prose matches those changes, but keep to the fun and egotistical quirks that are very Louis. Amelia/Molly was a funny side pairing, and I'm all for it haha!
Ah! I'm glad Louis grew up and came into his own in every way. And Benjamin that sneaky, sly dog. I'm glad he came to his senses! I wish there was a bit more detail about the divorce and more in general with their future and more lovey-dovey sappy stuff of that nature. Very solid writing, you did a lovely job Jenna! I hope Foolproof gets updated next ;)
--EllieAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed this. ^_^
That's one of the hardships of a first person story, can't really get into the other bloke's head. :( It's safe to say that one could guess what happened with Benjamin's marriage considering he was gay. And married a woman. Who he didn't care for much to begin with. Lol.
Foolproof is next. And it was actually this review that gave me the spark I needed to get cracking on the next chapter. So double thank yous!! --Jenna Report Review
Oh my, Haley. I can sense the climax brewing. Everything they've worked for is coming into the light/fruition. The imposter Lestranage was a nice twist and all the torment poor Elena has gone through yikes! They need a moment to breathe poor things. Especially Alice, I've got a bad feeling about what's going to happen next for her :(
(Yes, I assume your story will be canon-compliant here soon.)
Before I begin with more praise, I did want to mention a few things that I think could be a bit better. Elena's family relationships could be more fleshed out. Her mother and brother in particular. They both play a larger role in the storyline, that's why I jump to them first to get a sense of Elena's family life. When Elena broke down after Simon told her the bad news, I understood why she was upset. But I didn't feel it all the way (partially because I'm heartless I think lol). Looking back, Oliver was always absent from the story so I never got to know him the way Elena did all her life. I think adding some depth or history, maybe even a quick flashback or memory from Elena about her and her brother and their relationship would have really helped me feel for her situation more. Rather then me knowing I should be upset, I would have liked to feel upset –if that makes any sense.
Then with her mother coming to visit her. I get that she's oblivious to what's going on, but some strange reason I felt that she was an imposter at that moment –another trick of the Ministry's to get Elena to spill what she knew. I didn't think she was Elena's real mom until the convenient letter arose from Oliver. Again, I think this is because she's never had a moment to be a real, tangible person in the story (and I know she's not the focus here so I understand why she isn't fleshed out), but there is nothing that makes her mom her own character. I guess background stories or special personality flaws or ticks would really help to flesh out the characters a bit more in my mind to give that depth of Elena's personal history.
Moving on, the last line in this story was particularly devastating and fulfilling. Over the 18 chapters, we've seen Simon and Elena interact and care for each other as fellow people and be put into stressful situations that would bring them together. Because they are the only ones that understand what's been going on and all the pressures they've both have had to face. I loved the moments when Simon is trying to help Elena battle and just in general. He seems to care about her a lot, especially since it's his fault she's been brought into the fire of the post-war. And the whole thing is sad and romantic, but he has a past that haunts him and her present is very erratic at times and she's been quite all over the place emotionally, looking for someone to ground her. It's an interesting relationship they have. Love in a time of war, wonder if it will last or if they will live through the end of this story, because only time will tell on that account :)
Overall, I think plot development has been your biggest strength in this story. There have been so many turns, twists, and powerful/exciting moments. Ups and downs and wow moments galore. My heart races, then I get comfortable, just to be thrown into something much worse. And while sometimes your diction seems a bit strange (with some words here and there that are very odd choices to me –too over the top if you will) your writing has been clear and descriptive without being all over the place. A good constant to a turbulent plotline.
This story must be your baby, and you should be so proud! It's got everything: duels, romance, intrigue, a strong heroine, canon characters that connect your story with the HP we all read and love, villains of the nastiest sort, mystery, more duels, Auror missions, life or death possibilities, and love.
Thanks for sharing this with us; I cannot wait to see what happens next and what plot twists you are going to pull! Best of luck on the upcoming chapters :)
PS: Totally unrelated, I didn't realize you were laelia on TDA, you make lovely graphics haha!Author's Response: Hi!
I'm so, so sorry I took so long to respond to this!! But I will now.
I know! It's getting closer to the end. There is definitely action coming, but also probably more emotions since they've opened that door now... haha
I think you're probably right about that, there really should be some sort of flashback. But at the same time, you're not supposed to particularly care about Oliver--that sounds heartless too, but let me explain. He is Elena's brother but he -has- been absent. She misses him but at the same time, she hasn't seen him in months. There some sort of conflict in her, I'm sure, about how this is different. She still doesn't see him, but now it's permanent.
As for her mother, I think that she was sent in by the Ministry in hopes of getting more information about Elena. But it didn't work out that way, because her mother isn't as silly as she comes off as. She wasn't an impostor, but her conversation with Elena was certainly being monitored.
I feel like you summarized their relationship very well. You point out the reasons that they've grown closer, but also the reasons that their relationship isn't potentially very stable. Only time will tell, I suppose...
Thank you for that! The plot of Vital has grown so much since I first started writing and gotten much more complicated than I'd ever thought it would. But I'm glad that there is that aspect of ups and downs. I wanted the reader to feel like Elena does, sometimes terrified, sometimes calm and always not sure what comes next.
And yes, I'm pretty sure that diction is one of my weaker points. Part of the problem with writing a story over such a long period of time is that the style of writing is a bit inconsistent. But I am trying to work on keeping the diction clearer and trying to dampen my occasional dramatic flourishes.
It really is! I've written a lot, more than I thought I ever would really. It's not over yet of course, but there is only more to come. Lots more of all you what you listed, hopefully :) There's been a lot of set up and there are certain important things that still have to happen. In a way, a lot of them may be seen as consequences of what has already happened.
I'm so pleased that you liked this story and I really appreciate the long review you left!! Again I'm so sorry I didn'Ã‚Â™t respond before now.
Thanks again Ellie!
I just updated with chapter 19 and hopefully will keep that pattern of updating more frequently up.
ps- yes, I am! And thank you very much! I decided that I should start making my own chapter images, since I could.
Hello ahoythere/peppersweet! I've been reading this story from the beginning and oh my, how could I not review this chapter?
First of all, I really like this story. It's dorky, awkward, mega, hipster to the extreme and I love every line of it. You play to the typical next-gen plot hype, yet you manage to crush the cliches with your writing style, characterizations, and general skillz. (Yes, I wrote skillz intentionally because you have mad cool skills.)
I think this story is VERY adorable for some reason. Scorpius's asthma attacks, Flora's patheticness with Slytherin bullies, Fauna's general sillyness, drunk Lucy, and weirdo Al hidden behind the Potter name and popularity. All done so well!
With this chapter, I'm torn about Albus's behaviour. I'm not sure what to make of it all. And I feel so bad for Scorpius feeling left behind and tossed aside a bit by those pesky Gryffindors (why do I picture him as Peeta for some reason -.-?) I haven't picked sides, because I like them both in different ways and the romance hasn't begun to develop all too much yet in my opinion. Which is great so that the relationships (friendships too) can develop in their own way that isn't contrived.
Anywho, enough gushing over the fantastic story you have here, can't wait to read more :) Thanks for sharing this fic with us!
--elliesaurus rex. from TGSAuthor's Response: ohay there! eee, welcome to the madness~
thank you so much! HIPSTER is where it's at. I wanted to write something that /was/ cliched - because people often forget that cliches are cliches for a reason and they're not always a bad thing. so I wanted to play with all those love triangle cliches because, honestly, I love reading them. thank you so much for saying so! and ofc, skillz is a FAR better word than skills. love me some zzzs.
asdfghjkl; peeta ;~; scorpius is a bit of a peeta here. maybe he can join baking club with flora~ albus' behaviour will get its big reveal in the next chapter or two, hopefully. he's a cheeky chap with a couple of tricks up his sleeve...
anyway, thank you so much for this lovely review! really glad you liked it ♥ Report Review
Hello again Drue! It's elliesaurus rex./notreallyblonde from TGS doing another review from our swap a bit ago. & I caught up a bit on your story and wanted to leave a review on the more recent chapters ;)
The development of story is going well. The trials were heated and things seem to be coming to a climax with Rose up next on the chopping block, after Scorpius' abmisal attempt at clearing his name. There is definitely something deeper afoot with the trial's results being what they were. Strange indeed that Veritserum (sp?) didn't do the trick in provely his innocense. Hmm. Odd indeed. I'm curious what will develop!
The most interesting thing about the fic however is Teddy and his involvement with Rose and Scorpius. He is beyond invested in the outcome now in every possible way (from Auror, to friend, to confidant for their respective families). I would take him off the job personally knowing what I know about his involvement. And I bet he's very freaked out about slipping up here at the end. Oh man is he really losing it. His emotions got the better of him in my opinion and not only do I want to see how he's going to make repairs for that, but how he's going to come clean about pretending to be Scorpius -without Rose wanting nothing to do with him forever.
Interesting dynamics and its not really love triangle, but character tango for sure. Best of luck - hope to get some answers to my questions in future chapters :P
Justin as the lawyer was comical to me, I don't know why. I like seeing the generational banter and older characters popping up randomly. Report Review
Hello momotwins *waves*
I'm not going to lie, I was hoping to be the 100th review, but I decided I did not want to wait any longer to review this final chapter.
*sobs* I can't believe it's over! And they wed! arhaoerghrawgh I didn't see that coming, honestly. I liked the ending with them making up and getting together. Maybe a little cute double date with Roxanne and Perry. But not marriage! Whew that floored me. And the hint at eloping at the end lol nice touch there ;)
I feel like this story is one of the best romance stories I've read on HPFF and I'm so grateful that I got to read it and that you shared it with us. I wish I had more to say as well, but alas I do not. I'll probably re-read this story a few times just to get my fix for the love of Lucy&Hilarion. So adorable, yet flawed. (The mention of her using his razor had me chuckling -I think my boyfriend would not be as ok as Hilarion was about that :P)
--EllieAuthor's Response: Hiya!
Oh I wish it would get 100 reviews, but 95 is awesome too! I'm really glad you enjoyed the story, and liked the characters as well! I love a happily-ever-after ending so yeah wedding ;) haha.
Thank you so much for the wonderful review, I really appreciate it so much. I'm so pleased that you liked it! Thank you again! I loved your review so much, it really made me smile :D
(my husband would also not like me using his razor, but hey, our guys don't have magic razors that are always sharp ;) ) Report Review
How could I resist leaving the 100th review?!
This story is FANTASTICULABOUS! Yes, I mixed a bunch of words together, but I don't care. I love this story. Your diction is impeccable, imaginative, and flawless! Your characterizations are spot on and better than I could ever write. You peg Fred so perfectly. And Lily in this chapter cracked me up! I'm curious to see the results and I guess the reason behind all the entries this year is due to high new number of people entering the Clock. (Side note: Boo Peter! I dare say, I actually want an explanation for his existence *cough).
Anywho, all I can do is rant and rave and fangirl about this story. Things you've gotten a dozen times over I'm sure (and I hope you have, 'cause it's much deserved). I saw on TGS that you already know the results, so I cannot wait for the story to unfold and I hope we can meet all the characters that have passed in the Clock. Along with a taste of the Grotto, maybe a hint of Bellatrix? That would be smashing ;)
&love; already favourited; awaiting more; thanks for sharing this with us at HPFF!
--EllieAuthor's Response: YAY 100 REVIEWS -dies of happiness-
Thank you so much!
Hee, Lily in this chapter. :3 She's like LOL WHATEVER, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I DON'T CARE. She's got her own agenda and Fred with his wandering eyes is not on it. And yep, you hit it right on the nose - more people are signing up than normal because so many of them have arrived in the Clock just before the races are to start. Hee, Peter. He's sort of in the way everywhere he goes, isn't he?
I can promise that you will indeed have a taste of the Grotta. :3 I shall now hush up on that front so that I don't reveal anything.
Thank you so much for reading and for this review! It was awesomesauce. :) Report Review
Wow! "That is it then" certainly does NOT sum up what happened here :P Corinne can be such a nasty person, but I really think you've given your characters many realitic sides here. That includes Simon and Elena. Hmm the notes on personal history are nice to give deeper meaning into the characters' individual motives. Everyone's been tainted it seems.
I like how you wove Alice and Frank into the story, and it enriches their history as well. I assume we'll see how they end up in the empty ward Elena was set to watch on Christmas Eve, which seems like ages ago in reading land. The plot has indeed exploded since then!
I'm reviewing mid-way now because I could not resist reviewing on such a juicy chapter. Emotions are raw and high and everyone is trying to their best, and finally it seems they are at wits end but still trying so hard. I like the mention of telling Alastor Moody as well, it fits canon nicely. And all the new magic you've made up fit into your story; it's very nice and creative, kudos to you! I have plenty moer to say, react, and write about, but that will have to wait because I'm in a rush, sorry!
I hope to find out more as I continue to read your story~
-EllieAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thanks for leaving these nice reviews :)
Corinne can be nasty, for sure, and cold, but she is very driven as well. I think that saying everyone's been tainted really sums things up. How people deal with what they've experienced color who they are. Some people handle it better than others and are resilient, while others become cynical (Corinne, for example).
Yes, things really have come a long way since chapter one. It's been a huge jump for Elena, for sure.
I'm so glad that you're enjoying this story!
Hopefully you get the time to read more, and maybe leave a comment or two, because your review has been lovely!
Thanks so much :D Report Review
Hello Aderyn! notreallyblonde44 here for the TGS review swap! *waves* Interestingly enough we both have Healer-centric stories, so I'm excited to read someone else's take on the Healer's life. Onto the review!
I particularly enjoy the era you choose for your story. It's pretty overlooked and very important in the Wizarding World. Picking up the pieces to life can never be an easy thing, so I like the mention of the War still lingering and hurting people's lives. No daddy/brother and the effects of an explosion at work.
I also really like two points that you set up. One: the way the Healing world works now that there isn't so much work, which is both good and bad in its own way. And then the last line. Where there is a world where no one works on Christmas and fathers were present. That was a very poignant last line and it's stuck with me over the last few days (I always read and then wait a few days to review to get the best review possible, kind-off weird I know haha).
The only bit of CC I can give is more concrete description of the surroundings with less overbearing words. This sentence in particular sticks out to me: "Plumes of sulphuric smoke issuing forth from a small stone invaded the once sterile hospital room, clouding the air with their acrid fumes." A lot of adjectives are used here and the sentence was a rather long awkward jumble in my head. I got caught up in the words to a point that I missed that she was in Mungo's entirely. I don't mean to be harsh, because after this sentence nothing really stuck out to me as being quite like it. But sometimes simple images and words work better and that's just my two knuts :P
But anyway, you give us a nice setup here with the storyline in reference to the first War we all have read a million times over, and you will read in mine sorry haha. Oh, I also found the way you described Elena's features to be comical with the reference to a past boyfriend and uncooked beef haha. Unique description indeed. Emotionally, I feel bad for the characters in your story already and I'm curious to learn more about why her brother is missing and why Elena is so seemingly secluded/alone all the time. Hopefully I'll find out in the next 17 chapters ;)
Thanks for the read!
--EllieAuthor's Response: Hi! Sorry for taking a bit to respond to this review.
I did take a look at your story, it's cool that we both write about Healers, though things, I think, are a bit different. :)
Yes, the time after the war is normally glossed over. It could mean that everything was perfect, but I doubt that. It's the aftermath of a war, and there are things to be fixed.
I do see your point about lots of description. In the sentence you mentioned, it does seem a bit heavy. I don't think that things get that confusing very often, but I'll be careful about it.
Many of your questions will be answered later on. And the main conflict hasn't even been set up yet! But I'm glad you like the introduction of the characters.
Thanks for the review! I appreciate it :D Report Review
Me again :)
Awww, poor Lucy! I not sure if I identify with her necessarily, but I feel so bad for her! And Hilarion, who is not a bad guy, but is getting so much flack because he didn't think before he opened his mouth. I saw your response to the other reviewer, and foaihourgaguih 2 more chapters?! I don't want to think about the end of this story, I'm so hooked on it...I'll probably have to read it a few times once its all done to get my fix ;)
Yes, I know, I'm fangirling so hard. Anyways, I think I like Roxanne the most in this chapter. She's finally over being deluded and superficial, to an extent, and I'm biased because my boyfriend is a songwriter and I like to be a writer one day. So her and Perry are very adorable and well-suited for one another :P I'm glad they are both happy and that we got to see that.
Now I'm anticipating Hillucy action for the win! It must be so weird for Lucy to see Perry and Roxanne act as if they don't seem to mind at all about Hilarion's action, when Lucy seems so impacted. She's bound to be confused and throwing in Molly at the end, aw very nice sisterly touch. I love this story. That is all. I don't think I've ever reviewed more than once on any story on here (that was unrelated to a review thread), so cheers!
--EllieAuthor's Response: Hiya! Poor Lucy, I know. She was getting her hopes up and then dashed spectacularly. Definitely not a good day for her. And Hilarion really isn't a bad guy, just a bit dim and doesn't think things through. Roxanne is growing up, yes, less superficial and self-deluded, and now able to move on with her grown-up life. I think the whole thing with her crazy crush on Hilarion when she hadn't met him and idealizing a future relationship with him stems directly from her ex-fiance who left her at the altar - that failed relationship. Y'know?
Anyway, I'm so glad you loved it, and thank you so much for the wonderful review! And I'm greatly honored that you reviewed multiple chapters in my story :) Report Review
It's been far too long on my end, and I apologize for that, however I am finally here to give you one of the reviews I plan to give this story. We were paired together on TGS ages ago, and I wanted to fulfill my end of things. I'm dreadfully sorry for the delay and hope you can forgive me! *cookies?*
Anywho, I've gotten this far and figured it was high time to leave a review for the first few chapters. I think you have a strong narrative presence here with Teddy. His quirks are interesting, and sometimes funny and silly, even though he plays such a serious role in a serious case. A murder is no joke, yet you manage an element of comedic relief that is both necessary and in-character for Teddy. Which I applaud you for. This is a hard thing to do.
Overall, the story is very creative in terms of plot. I've seen a few "who dunnit" types and Minister murders afoot on HPFF, but nothing to this degree and extent. Choosing Rose, Scorpius, and Teddy definitely was the perfect choice for the leading roles. I'm curious to learn more about Rose/Scorpius history as well as see Rose/Teddy's future. Should be a very dynamic turn of events on the way. You set up the reader nicely for plot twists and a lot of mystery. Nice genre play here. Also, I don't trust Rose worth a lick. I want to see how her role plays out; should be a shocker on all accounts.
So, yeah, wonder where this is all going :) Thanks for sharing your fic with us!
--Ellie Report Review
Hello again :)
I'm not always the best reviewer, but I HAD to review this chapter. I think I've read the first half about 3 times just because it was so good and perfect and romantic/sweet/amazing. I'm so sad that I can't ship Hillucy properly until Roxanne butts out of the picture.
Hem. I love your characters and characterizations. They are so fleshed out and described in such a concrete and exquisite manner. I cannot get over how much I enjoy, if not love, this fanfic. I'm very curious to see where things are going to go. Looks like Hilarion's conscious is getting the best of him now about Roxanne. And he's so oblivious of his feelings for Lucy it pains me to see them not "together" together. Sighh the hand holding at the end makes my inner romanctic swoon. One can only hope this ends well for all of them haha.
I wish I could give a more substantial/constructive review, but I'm fangirling so hard for this story that I can't come up with anything better than saying how fantastic this story is :) Thanks for sharing it with us; I look forward to the next update!
--EllieAuthor's Response: I'm glad you reviewed! I love reviews :) You can totally start shipping Hilarion/Lucy! I'm so glad you liked the romance in this chappie - really enjoyed writing poor oblivious Hilarion with poor lovesick Lucy in this chapter. That was fun. Hilarion is definitely realizing he's messed up with this whole Roxanne scheme. I can't wait to throw him together with Lucy ;)
I have to tell you, I was floating with happiness when I saw this review - fangirling! Over my characters? Eeeek! So cool. I was so excited. Thank you thank you! I loved the review, and I'm really glad you enjoyed this chapter :) Report Review
Oh my goodness gracious. What a killer ending to this chapter!!
Like I've found myself writing too often in reviews lately, I've been reading this story for awhile now and haven't reviewed it yet. Time to change that! What a story indeed!
In the beginning I felt like I was really apprehensive about this story, being that it was time-travel and all, and mostly people use time-travel in ways to hook up Hermione with every other male character in HP-existence. So needless to say, I hesitated to read and review until I knew how the story was going to play out. Also, in hindisght, the writing/diction at the beginning was not as crisp, intense, or practiced/comfortable as it is now.
But I kept reading, because this idea is so worthy and WOW did you blow me away! I can't believe that Moody/Lily II would be one of my favorite, and best-written, pairings ever! Some writers (myself included lol) can't even write pairings between two people in the same room let alone in the same year. Yet you write Moody and Lily II over the course of roughly 100 years and don't miss a beat!
Your writing has not failed to impess me either. This chapter in particular, and the past couple, have been so expertly crafted that gah you have such a talent! You expressed the setting, characters, etc with such an ease it's like you were there and had experienced these things. You portray everything without over-doing it in detail or saying too much. You always say just enough, or even not enough, to keep your readers with you, but always questioning. The weilding of romance, mystery, time-travel, and hunt of angst leave "Out of Time" as bar none of the best works on this site. (I wish I wrote it haha) This story is stunning, compelling, flipping amazing, and really mind-blowing! Thanks for sharing this with us :)
*anticipating the rest of the fic*
EllieAuthor's Response: Wow! I've taken a while to respond on this because I haven't known what to say. This review was a wonderful surprise to receive and I'm still very shocked about it - mostly because this is a pretty obscure type of story, especially with the ship involved. It means a huge amount that you've been reading and enjoying this story - I never know sometimes whether I'm going too far out there and writing complete rubbish, so it's a great treat to hear from you!
What I wanted to do was take a cliched type of story and play around with its conventions - using a next-gen character and pairing her with a rather random other-era character was the first part, then using something other than a timeturner was the second. The lovely people at TGS helped considerably with these aspects of this story, and a lot of the credit for its originality goes to them. ^_^
It's interesting what you've said about the first chapter's language, and I've been thinking it over - re-reading the whole story (always a pleasure, it's about the only story of mine I can reread without wincing) to try and see if it was intentional or just me taking a while to get myself into Lily's POV. I've imagined it as though Lily has stepped into an old movie, and everything changes, including her. However, I will see what I can do, editing wise. It's important to have a strong first chapter, and now that I'm further along in the character/plot development phase, it may come out better a second time. :)
It's great to hear that the pairing works well. So many times I question it - I guess because it's so random, but that was also a challenge of this story. Lily developed so that she could be an appropriate match for Moody and vice versa, which isn't what I like to do, generally, because it puts the pairing before everything else, but in this case, it's working. The scary part comes when I find myself explaining parts of canon in a way that makes this story canon - like Moody's first actual meeting with Harry in OotP and his later death. ;)
Thank you very much for that compliment! Gosh, I'm more than happy to hear that the story has improved as it's gone along - it's how it should be, and all I have to hope is that I can keep going along the same lines. I've imagined this chapter in particular many times, even while I was still working on chapters 2 and 3, so it has become very vivid in my imagination - it's fantastic how much easier the writing gets as a result. :D
I really don't know what to say about that last bit of your review, though. Too much for my ego to take. :P The next chapter is planned, but not yet written - hopefully that'll change soon. ;) Thanks again! Report Review
Helo darling Leslie :)
As promised, here is the first of a few good old fashionied reviews! I'm starting at your last chapter first because my most important comment to make about this story is about the development and overall growth you've shown as a writer over the course of this story. Plus, I can make this one super/produtive review :P
Ok, let's start with Molly. My, my! She's amtured like crazy over the course of this story. You definitely showed how characters change and grow in the best way possible. Her life is now her own; not Percy's. And then there's Finn's influence, which helped her but did not make her who she is. what I love about Molly is her understanding of her self and desire to be herself on her own terms, on her own time. She's truly an individual and doesn't need her bf's or a male-lover to make all of her decisions for her. As a feminist, I LOVE this about your story!
Which brings me to Finn. I like how you incorporate his POV just enough so that we know what he's thinking, but the attention is still on Molly. But he's grown so much too! His confusion and dynamics with Molly are pretty adorable too. He seems like quite the gentleman, which is only enhanced by your more recent prose.
You've definitely grown a LOT as a writer over the course of this fic. Towards the end here, your writing almost reminds me of like a modern Jane Austen or Bronte sister. Something polished and refined like that, but more accessible/modern. Let's just say, I think you're classy ;) Also, the general storyline has gotten much better over time. I hate to write this, but the first chapter (in Hindsight-seeing your writing now) does nothing for me. It was very tell, tell, tell and lacked show, show, show. Which you are doing loads more of now. And you are good at it! Keep it up with the showing and the snappy dialogue. Especially the friends, I particularly enjoyed Erin and Molly's fight actually because it was so realistic.
Which is another thing I like about your story. While there are some moments that drag in comparision to things like snogging and Percy's nonsense, all of the things you are showing us readers it VERY realistic. Like the pacing is equivalent to real-time and all the classes, future job conversations, and hum drum study moments are normal, natural, everyday occurences. For once, while reading fanfic, I feel like Hogwarts is a school where kids learn magic and live their lives. Yeah there can be fun, but not every year at Hogwarts needs a new Dark Lord and/or ridiculous angsty-pairings and/or pregnancy drama. I feel like you've done Hogwarst some justice here with "Why Not?" so yay for you :)
I can't think of anything I want to write in this review, so I'll pop back into old chapters and comment on a few specific things that I liked or think need some sprucing up...because I'm always a concrit-er person and think there's always room for improvement :D
OH! Before I leave this review, I forgot, I love that Molly wants to take it slow and Finn is okay with that (thus far) and isn't pressuring her for anything. There' not-relationship is so sweet and hot at the same time (how did you do it?). Sooo I hope to see some more Finn/Molly action soon haha.
Hugs and squishes!
--EllieAuthor's Response: First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LONG AND EXTREMELY LOVELY & HELPFUL REVIEW, ELLIE! Also, so sorry I'm just now responding to it. Kept meaning to do it, but it's really long and I wanted to make sure I responded to all the points you make, just to give you a longer response than a simple 'Thanks for the fabulous review' because it really meant a lot to me. And you really boasted my ego as a writer in your compliments you fed to me. So thanks for giving me more confidence in myself as sometimes I have doubts about my ability as a writer, so it's nice when I get really long and detailed reviews outlining all of my strengths (even some weaknesses to work on as well). Gives me something to fight toward becoming better.
Okay, next, I'm really happy you like how I've written Molly. I wanted her to be different than the rest of her cousins, more independent yet unsure of her place in the beginning of her final year at Hogwarts. We all go through those phases in our lives where we don't think we're good enough and will ever measure up to the impossibly high standards of our parents, and I think that's mainly what I was going for in Molly. As well as showing that no one can tell her what she does with her life, that her life is her own to live, truly. So, I'm so thrilled you enjoyed reading my take on Molly's characterisation.
Ah, yes, Finn. I have developed a bit of a soft spot for him. Of course, I'll always love writing Molly and revolving the plot around her because of all the dynamics I have her face, but Finn is and will always be a nice breath of fresh air to take a break from the dramas of Molly. And the more into the plot I entangled myself, I got more in tuned with writing from his perspective to the point I barely have to think of his reactions at this point. Now that I've finished Why Not and am writing the sequel, I know exactly how Finn will react toward Molly when they run into each other after so many years apart. I have the scene all planned in my head already and can't wait to write it. But anyway, onward with your next point... I digress way too much. ;)
Oh emm gee. Just, I'm astounded and shocked that you would even compare me to Jane Austen or the Bronte sisters. They were like, amazing novelists. You are just, gah, -squishes- Thank you so much!
And onward, trying to stay on point as much as I can here ;) Yeah, I really don't like the first chapter much anymore myself, but I can't seem to bring myself to touch it as much as I want to revise the heck out of it. It kind of is a standing monument to how I wrote when I first started this novel and grew from. This novel really has taken me through some twists and turns, not to mention it took me around two years to finish it, during which time I was also working toward my degrees in college, which I'll have my third degree (B.A. in English Lit.) next year. It really was more apart of me than my other stories... and I'm actually considering converting it into original fiction. I've never felt any of my stories were publishable, but I'm really proud of this story and how far it's come.
Aw, thanks. I really am very much a realistic writer, trying to recreate reality as best as I can in my writing. And it means a lot when I'm recognized for the realism behind the plot.
Yeah, I can honestly say the main reason I was able to write Molly and Finn, showing their closeness while at the same time showing they are just friends, is perhaps because I have a lot of experience myself with being stuck in the friend zone so I understand the dynamics of tension and frisson, all that good stuff, that goes into wanting something you can't have. While Finn and Molly's relationship is a bit different, the friendship part of it is pretty accurate in comparison to the "friend zone".
Anyway, I've rambled on enough as is, so thank you again for the amazingly awesome review, Ellie! -squishes- ILY Report Review
So I've already favorited this story awhile back when it first came out...and I was ashamed that I never left a review til now. I have to admit that this is the first story of yours that I've read in-full so far and I think that's because of the character selection :) (The gorgeous banner and summary helped sway me too lol). I really like the emphasis and choice of characters that you have here, with Lucy and Roxanne at the forefront. You have the standard Next-Gen bunch, but you've made them your own and they seem as close to canon as you can get without being J.K. Rowling :P
So far I can't really put my finger on why I love this series so much. The writing is excellent and crisp. Not over-bearing in the least, but simple and precise. You get your points across with an ease that only experience/well-versed writers have. You set up the dynamics and characters so well that I feel like I've known these people my whole life. They could be my friends haha. But, seriously. They could and I think that's why I like this fic a lot. You have an assortment of characters that are realistic and fun to read about. They all aren't super genius folk, they can be simple and smart and well-rounded and good natured people too.
But there's some drama brewing too. But it's really not like pre-teen adolescent boo-hoo story. It's a mature read, with real characters (how repetitive is this fan-girl review? haha), and I just adore it!
I cannot wait to see what becomes of Roxanne, Hilarion, Lucy and Perry! I wish this review could say more, but I'm in a rush and just wanted to gush about how epic it is/will be!
EllieAuthor's Response: Isn't that banner fabulous? I just love it. TDA has some super talented artists, and I've been very lucky in getting banners from them. It makes me happy just to scroll down my author page and see the pretties lol.
I am a canon freak (known for it by this point, I think) so I do try to stay canon, but I take a lot more liberties in Next Gen. So little is known of any of them in canon - basically just names - that you can really go any way with the characters. But I do try to keep them in keeping with the way JKR writes characters, if that makes sense.
I do tend to write in a simple kind of way, but I prefer that style. "Crisp" and clean is definitely what I like, so I try to write that way :) I'm glad you like it! Nobody here is a super genius - Roxanne and Perry are quick-witted, in that Algonquin Round Table kind of way - and Hilarion's just sort of a regular guy. I think of Lucy that way too. She's quicker than Hilarion, but she prefers nice over the cutting sort of wit that Roxanne and Molly use.
It is drama, but they're all in their late 20s so there won't be teenage kind of stuff. Thank you so very much for the review! I'm really glad you're enjoying the story so far. I hope you keep reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
Hello again! It is me, notreallyblonde44 here to do those reviews I promised you ages ago for wining my challenge. I picked this story on a whim...and my, my, do I want to vomit. At first I thought Hester was a child, so thank GOODNESS I was wrong about that dumb assumption. Then I would have seriously vomited. Like TenthWeasley wrote in her review, I am super creeped out by Florian now. "WHY DOES HE GIVE HARRY FREE ICE CREAM" -I will equally never be the same because of this fact.
Despite wanting to wipe my memory clean of this horror of a man, this is a brilliant one-shot nevertheless! The writing was fluid and strangely whimsical (not pleasant, but unearthly eerie I suppose). The way that you manipulate time and space within Florian's mind is brilliant. His unreliability as a narrator was well done also, especially since he's such a disturbing creeper/lurker with that camera of his. Poor, Hester, the dead woman didn't even see it coming.
My favorite aspect of this one-shot was the way in which color was repeated and used. The shades of red, pinks, and white/creams were vibrant and helped create the connectivity between the storyline and characters. It was beautiful imagery and I liked the ways the colors turned to express the changes in the narrative and Florian's fanciful idea of life.
I must admit that I've written something much like this in the past and your work reminds me a lot of my own in the sense that the male OC is completely barmy, but in such a short amount of time, you've made it so believable that what he thinks is reality quickly becomes reality when Hester is forced to be apart of his insanity. What a well-executed and well-written one-shot! I don't really have anything, that I can remember, to critique about it :P
(Slytherin)Author's Response: Wow, thank you for the incredibly thorough review. Haaa Hesper certainly is not a child, or else this story would violate tos and I would get into some pretty major trouble. Eww.
Creepers and lurkers, to me, frighten me more than psychos with gun sprees. Something about not knowing that a person is stalking you, watching you through your window, is more frightening than blood and gore. The Lovely Bones was a huge inspiration for this story, because it didn't show any kind of bloodshed, and yet, it was an absolute nightmare.
Plus - FREE ICE CREAM. HE GAVE HARRY FREE ICE CREAM every half hour. It's like...that's a lot of ice cream. For free. Eww, Florean, what's your angle. -_-
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. :) Report Review
Last official review exchange review!
Ok, so I wrote last time that I think the summary needed to be changed to reflect Albus' role in the story. And I stand by that statement, but after this chapter. I think that the summary should go back to reflecting both of their roles like it used to, but in a more cohesive way. Something along the lines of adding one more sentence about Albus at the end? Idk, if I think of something more effective I'll let you know haha. Maybe some of the stakes and repercussions could be hinted at as well. Like add some of that mystery and darkness into the mix? It's up to you :)
Anyways, this chapter was quite revealing in terms of Angela's character. I see that her and Wyatt aren't what I thought they were. Again, you through me a curveball (love it, don't worry haha). It seems like a very interesting dynamic indeed. Also, her lack of seeing the invisibility cloak was the perfect detail to show the dynamics of her magical ability. This ability is something to be applauded for because never in my many years of reading fanfic have I ever come across something like this. I think this power is more than possible, while rare, but it's interesting because it's not like some super power. Or you don't make it out to be, but as we saw earlier it does have it's uses and negatives as well. You can definitely tell that you thought this out and everything is very thorough thus far in terms of your plot development, characterizations, and everything else.
Besides the minor missing punctuation or confusing wording, Hindsight is a solid piece of fanfiction! I'm excited and curious to see where you go with this story in general. I assume there's going to be a lot more curveballs and a lot more Quidditch and inner house conflict. I'm wondering how we get to the end and I think you've done some great things so far in this fic, keep it up! Originality and diction 10/10!
(Slytherin)Author's Response: Thanks again, Ellie, you're truly lovely for reviewing all the chapters!
Wyatt and Angie definitely have their own dynamic. Easy now, but it will get complicated once Albus hits the picture ;)
I'm doing a happy dance hearing that you got the fact Angela was experiencing the Invisibility Cloak on her exit (so worried about keeping the visions from coming across as purple or just not right). Can't tell you how good it is to hear that the details of her gift/curse are coming across well.
~Ty Report Review
The fourth installment, onto the review!
'The sooner they could confirm Wyatt wasn't plotting the downfall of all things Potter, the sooner they could focus on the real issue' -missing period here.
Angie and Wyatt? Oh goodness, what a twist! I wonder if she's playing the Ravenclaw's for fools or if she actually likes Wyatt. Maybe she helped get his captainship back or to get certain people on the Hogwarts team? Why would she even care to defend Albus then? Oh man, the theories are running rampant in my head!
I don't have much to critique right now haha. But I do have to say that, and maybe this is harsh, you should tweak your summary and banner. When I look at the banner, it doesn't draw me in as much as it could because it's too bright and doesn't cover the depths of where this story appears to be going with all the deceit and mischief. Also, the summary appears to be from Angela's POV, but she's only had a few showing. The main person is clearly Albus in my opinion and I think the summary should reflect that better. That way, you can pull more people into your story -because your story definitely deserves some more loving! These are obviously just my suggestions, take them with a grain of salt. Especially since you made the banner and I don't mean to offend you at all, it's just that it doesn't reflect the essence of the story that I've read thus far. Sorry :/
Anywho, more development all around. I'm growing fonder of Albus. And James is a complete riot. I love Albus' relationsihp with James. It's clear that James gets away with much more than Albus does and is rewarded for it. Love that he wanted James to try being a Slytherin for one day. The off-handed mention of Rose was great too.
Overall, I'm clearly curious and anticipating the next chapter and the rest of the story when it gets posted up :) I find myself more than once thinking one thing was going to happen when it didn't and I really like this unexpected element to our story. The writing was fab as always ;) Next!
(Slytherin)Author's Response: Rampant theories are excellent! My summaries, not so much. I'm trying. I appreciate the help and I'm way behind on even responding to your lovely reviews much less doing something about it, but I'll get there.
I'm super excited that Albus and his interactions are coming off well. The sibling scenes were fun to write, having much love-you-but-seriously-go-away-you're-annoying-me experience with my own siblings :0.
I hope to keep up the anticipation and the unexpected as we go along. Lots planned!!
Thanks again for the excellent review.
~a very appreciative Ty Report Review
Oh, a jump in time here. Raising the suspense, very nice. Lol, spit-polished and nerve wracked. Poor boys. I'm sure Angela helped them out *hopes and continues to read*
'"Anything from the clinger?" Xavier asked Al, who didn't take exception to what his friends called his girlfriend and merely shook his head.' -take exception? I think I understand that he accepts the nickname she's been given, but the phrasing is somewhat awkward/ murky.
(Side note: and apparently I meant brother, not sister of Oscar lol. Don't know why I thought it was a sister, maybe the reference of Lily and girl? Idk, my bad either way.)
I'm glad they got off easy and I'm curious about this Hogwarts, Durmstrang, and others(?) Quidditch cup thing. Nice addition to the storyline. Btw, Vector is a beast! She's very believable and awesome. Slightly reminds me of McGonagall with her love of her house and punishment process. The details about her office were fantastic and beautiful! For once the dungeons aren't completely bleak and foreboding. I wonder if this was added in the reconstruction...
' red hair piled in a ponytail that bore every indication of having had the life twirled out of it while she waited' -LOL. Adorable Lily.
Oh lala, *that look*...off to the next chapter! Sorry lousy review this time because I want to read more haha. There is a lot of fantastic development here and lovely characterization and diction (as always).
(Slytherin)Author's Response: Yep, time to face the music :) Oh, no, murkey's not good. I'll have to take a look at my own idioms sneaking in there.
Haha, yeah, Lily's got herself a boy pal.
I'm glad you like Vector. I wavered over creating a new character or using a known Professor for Slytherin Head of House, but given her love of difficult homework, I Thought Vector fit (hated by some, only appreciated by those like Hermoine). I figure Hogwarts is always evolving so maybe the office did exist before or maybe the space appeared to suit her needs. I'm so glad you liked the description there. I wanted to make the dungeons seem real and no House would be located there without some balance to make it livable.
Thanks for the lovely review!
~Ty Report Review
Second chapter, 0 reviews? Let's change this immediately; your writing skill level deserves reviews!
Whole school would rather think anything than admit Slytherin had the better team. -The whole school...
After this line, I think I'm halfway into the chapter. I have to admit that the tension is mounting and I'm enjoying all the little histories between the characters and their roles in the school and in the fight. However, all the POV flips and mention of new characters I must admit are confusing me a bit.
While this is a face-paced chapter, and should be I think, maybe there needs to be a time out where the reader can make sense of all the new information being thrown at them. We have to rap our heads around at least 10 new people and their roles in Hogwarts/the fight/etc. Also, at the end you mention the POV switches...to me, it did come across as head hopping. It's all necessary I think to get the story across, but at the same time, for the second chapter it was a lot to take in :/
As for the storyline itself, I'm quite curious about Angela's role and where this is going. The consequences seem so high for a fight in the hall past curfew, but I like this element. It seems like Hogwarts has repaired itself and that punishments aren't missing (like they are in most stories). There are repercussions and the politician Headmistress makes sense for this role. The inner house conflicts mixed in with the school's house clashing is well done. Hard to wrap my head around at this point, especially with some random Gyffindor girl being tossed into the mix at the end (ok, she's the younger sister of Oscar, but still I wonder where are you going with this and what her role is? Lol)
Other comments: I still like your nonchalant Scorpius haha. Your writing style and diction are (still) exquisite! And *swoon* Neville...that's all, next chapter!
(Slytherin)Author's Response: Thanks for brightening my lonely chapter :)
My thought for this chapter was to have Angela's decision to get involved be real time happening while Albus and crew faced the consequences of the curfew violation and the resulting altercation the following day. I want immediacy but not confusion. :0 Thanks for the feedback, I'll look at how I can give the reader some time without slowing the pace or diffusing the tension. Or playing Davey off as a girl :)
I grinning that you like the writing style. and yes, Neville's a sweetie.
~Ty Report Review
Ello ty! After about two months of not completing these, I wanted to finally review all of your chapters from Hindsight! I'm terribly sorry about the wait; between being in Europe for a month and being the slowest person ever, I failed at reviews XD So sorry! Hope the quality make up for the slowness!
Since I last visited your page to start your reviews, I see that you've changed the summary. This one is much better, aka less confusing. I'm ready to see how it plays out in your story.
Hmm I'm sure I understand why the first male character thinks he's going to be disowned...because he keeps running into pursuers? I don't think that's his fault lol.
Lol, hilt of his wand? Interesting sword reference :P
Okay, as far as the first part of the chapter goes I really enjoyed the suspense and mystery surrounding just about everything. This snippet shows the readers where you are going to go with the story and gives them something to always look forward to -an epic battle at the end. Nice tactic here.
The one thing I found myself tripping over was the narration. I had to read this section twice to get it. Did it switch from Scorpius to Albus after this line: 'Al sprang forward. "Wrong side!"' because it seemed like it did to me because of the shift in how the narrator seemed to feel about the OC. Idk, it was an awkward transition.
'facing off over the low manicured bushes bordering the base of the Training Grounds Tower' -facing off over? I don't understand what the visual is here, sorry lol.
Very nice parallel with that second half of the first chapter. The circular patterns were nice touches as well, with the class and being on the wrong side. I think I'm going to love your Scorpius, given his qualities so far. Very Slytherin of him. I like that Albus is with him as a Slytherin. I prefer Albus as Slytherin since it's a nice way to show that they aren't all evil :P
Overall, you have such a crisp language and excellent diction. I can tell that you read a lot and know exactly how you want to use words to get your point across. Especially with the description in the first segment, that was very precise and visually stimulating! :) I'm curious to see how and where the OC falls into this story. Also, with the arena I wasn't thinking a Quidditch stadium, but now I am. Wonder how the characters end up in such a bad predicament in the end. Onto the next chapter!
(Slytherin)Author's Response: I was a little worried the story scared you away :0 but truly no worries about your being busy. Real life needs to come first. Thanks so much for returning when you had the time! I'm beyond thrilled that you've reviewed the whole story. Argh, the summary. Thanks for the suggestions there. I think I'm genre stupid. I never know how to peg my stories. The plots and the characters are so vivid to me, but the translation to how they sum up in a nutshell escapes me. I'm working on it ;-)
Haha! Wands, swords -you wave them around- what's the difference? :P
Completely missed the Scorp/Al switch so thanks for pointing that out. I'll get that fixed up. I'm glad you like Scorpius (that's good to hear, especially coming from a Slytherin). He and Al are very different but both -in their own way- very true to the qualities that put them in that house.
As for the underground arena, it's not exactly Quidditch they're playing there. All I'm saying.
~Ty Report Review
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