Hi! I'm raisha from the Slytherin Review Tag thread!
First, I love first person narrative. It always makes me feel so connected to the character!
I really love Charlie's personality! She seems so sassy and audacious! I find her SO interesting and I bet she is so fun to write!
I noticed there was a couple of time you went from present tense to past tense. It's one of those annoying things that don't get picked up in spell check, so it's hard to miss sometimes. >.> Lol, but a simple edit could fix it!
And I love that I've already found myself asking questions. Like "What's going to happen next" sort of questions and "How is this going to play out." It's stuff like that that really sets up a good story and makes it an attention catcher!
Great job! I love this! :DAuthor's Response: Hey there!
I'm really glad you like Charlie-and you're completely right, she is very fun to write.
Ah! I always seem to get my tenses muddled in first chapters so I'll definitely be going back to fix that up.
It's great you're asking questions-that was one of the intentions of the first chapter!
Thanks for the lovely review.
Courtney:) Report Review
Hi! I'm raisha from the review swap thread!
I read the summery for this and found it soo interesting! And then I read the chapter and I'm instantly in love! I haven't read another story like this, and it's very well written and really holds my attention.
I like that there's a bit of a cliffhanger. I'm sitting here asking myself "What happened to Lexi?" and "What is Sirius going to do?" and "Will they ever meet?" I love that in a story. It's the questions that always keep me hanging and I just feel like I HAVE to know more.
LOVE it. :) I really hope to read more of this in the future!!!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad that you're in love with The Girl Next Door! I was worried about this prologue, but it seems that I didn't need to be!
Well I hope to keep you guessing! ;) The entire plot for this chapter stemmed from one question: why did Sirius get Sorted into Gryffindor? So I'm glad that Sirius and Lexi have impacted on you, and I can't wait for you to meet Ella! :D
I'm so happy that you love this story! Report Review
Hi! I'm (raisha) from the review swap threads!
Your summary is what really pulled me into this story. I was instantly intrigued. I felt like I just had to read more, you know?!
I feel like this story is about Sirius' mom, though it could honestly be about "anyone." Haha!
This was very blunt and interesting! I enjoyed it Though I do wish it was longer! Not because I felt like it wasn't finished, because it ended very nicely, I was just wishing I could keep reading. :)
Very nice!!! Report Review
Hi! This is raisha from the forums for review swap!
First of all, what pulled me into this story was the title. Simple and perfect and made me want to click on it right away!
Your description is wonderful. It all sounds very real and helps me imagine myself in the story. It's almost like I'm standing there behind the character living their life with them. Very cool feeling! :)
Helene is a very interesting character. She is far from perfect, but that's what makes me admire her. She's human.
If you want my advice, stick to this. I mean, the way you set up this chapter with the mood and the description, just keep it going. It's one of the best stories I've read in a long time!
Very good start you have here. I am so eager to read more!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so pumped for this review swap, it's such a good idea. :)
I find that it's much easier for me to describe things if it's cold/rainy/autumn/depressing in general, haha. I started writing this story to get my fix of angst!HP whilst writing a humor story, and I'm definitely going to stick with it. Report Review
Hi I'm (raisha) from the forums!
Your summery of this really caught my attention!
I really enjoy Hermione being a teach in a Muggle school! Very interesting idea! And I like the ending when she gets upset with herself for not having discussed her new job with Ron! Very Hermione-like!
You have very nice descriptive skills! I really like the ending sentence. I actually felt as if I was doing what she was. Very real!
Really good chapter! I enjoyed it so much! :DAuthor's Response: Hi raisha! :) Thanks, I have always seen her as a teacher for some reason, though I didn't want to make her a professor as she is that in so many stories. I wanted her to be at a Muggle school because being muggle born she is familiar with the way the world works and America was ideal for some of the plot coming up in the story :)
Thank you so much and I am glad you enjoyed the chapter. :D
It was a pleasure to do this review swap with you! Report Review
Hi! I'm (raisha) from the review swap! I saw this Dramione fic and just HAD to read it!
I have to say that the first line here (first whole paragraph, actually) was EXCELLENT. Very captivating and it instantly pulled me in and made me want to read more! It really set the mood for the chapter. SO well done!
And I really love your characterization of Hermione. It was spot on! I really enjoyed looking into her mind. All of it was very believable.
And the ending was perfect. Malfoy is the last person anyone one be expecting to show up here!
A really, really good beginning to this story! Very well done! Good job!Author's Response: EEEK! Your review has left me with so many feels right now! I'm really glad that you feel my opening sentence/paragraph was good and pulled you into the story. And Yay! you think Hermione is spot on! You have no idea how much that makes my day! I'm so glad that you enjoyed this chapter and I do hope that you come back for more! Thank you for reading and reviewing!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
*Hi I'm from the review tag thread!
This is a very emotional and sad start. Fred dying is one thing, but George's emotions are heart-wrenching and just so overwhelming. You really captured his personality and his actions well. I particularly like that he would be so willing to tell everybody that he hadn't seen Fred's death, he just saw dust, dust, and more dust. He's clearly in denial about what happened, and I don't blame him. His other half is missing, gone forever, and he can't handle it.
I enjoyed the section with Lee Jordan also. Well, I can't say I enjoyed it because it teared me up, but it was very well written and very believable.
Overall I'd say this was really great and very emotional (which is a good thing!) Great job on this!Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review! I'm very keen to portray George's emotional and psychological postwar state (without too much crying into pillows of course =)) Hope I don't get too silly or corny at some point! Lucky for the reader that Fred is still around. At least his voice is =) Fred's POV is in the second chapter.
Thanks again! Report Review
*I'm here from the Review Tag thread!
This was seriously one of the saddest things I've read in a LONG time. I'm still in tears.
You captured the characters SO well. All of their feelings and actions were exactly as you'd expect them to be. It was perfect.
What I loved most was Arthur and Molly's part. It was so sad and lovely and just overwhelmingly emotional.
I have only good things to say about this story. Truly lovely. Author's Response: Hi darling! First of all, thank you for the awesome banner! I'm so happy you enjoyed this, thank you so much for stopping by ♥ Report Review
This made me cry :(
A very emotional story, I feel for Sirius at the end during and after everything happens. It made me sad for him to have to go through something so tragic.
I did notice a few errors that you might want to correct (like in this line: "Her brown eyes pierced him, but he does didn’t falter.) Just minor errors like that (there was one more I noticed, but I can't find it now!)
And I really wish we could have had a scene through Taylor's eyes. Her emotional turmoil with her father and what she was thinking, perhaps, before she took her life. What sort of inner monster was she struggling with?
Your writing was good for the most part, sometimes there was a bit to be desired in your descriptions, but nothing a few adjectives couldn't fix!
Overall, though, I really like it. You really captured Sirius' emotions and that's what needed to be done. It tugged at my heart at the end when he is at Taylor's grave. This line, especially, made my heart break:
"He waits patiently, as though he would get an answer. He waits for her soft voice to come to him, carried by the soft wind, but nothing does."
Lovely (and heartbreaking) story! Author's Response: You are such a kind, lovely reviewer!
I appreciate you and every single moment you gave me to read my stories and review! I genuinely appreciate your kindness and I'm flattered by your wonderful compliments.
I appreciate you. *hugs*
Ever Report Review
This is, by far, one of the best stories I've read in a while. Very well written, thought out, and put together so smoothly.
I'm really intrigued by the metamorphosis - princess to queen - theme and how you managed to capture it so perfectly with the changing of the seasons too. It ties in together so well.
And your use of descriptive words is amazing. A lot of people overdo it, but you added just enough to make the settings clear. It was easy to imagine each scene in my mind, and I love that.
What I love most is that, even though you were inspired by the Grimm fairy tale, you still managed to make this story original.
An excellent story! Definitely enjoyed it! :DAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you! That means a lot to me!
I'm glad you liked witnessing Eileen's transformation and how it occurred alongside the changing of the seasons. Snow and winter were powerful and inspirational metaphors for me, and it was interesting to play with them and use the darkness of the theme to taint their meaning.
Oh, good! I was a little worried with this abstract piece that I'd gone too heavy with the metaphors and description. It's great that you felt like it was balanced and added to the story appropriately. I'm also glad you found this original; I strive for that with all my work :)
Thanks again for this wonderful review!
Amanda Report Review
Oooh, I hope you update soon!
I love Nate's character! And gosh I love the Nate / Sirius relationship right now! I hope it gets even more intense soon!
Good job!!! :D Can't wait to read again!Author's Response: Thank alot!!! I'll update soon! Report Review
Your writing has gotten increasingly better since chapter one!
Good job, hun!
This story is really interesting! The plot is absolutely hilarious! I'd love to see some Remus / Naomi action. And some Sirius / Naomi action. :P
Can't wait to see where you go with this next!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad my writing is improving!!!
And I'm glad you like my story! Report Review
First off, I have to say that I love when Death is personified. It's something I've always enjoyed reading.
Secondly, your descriptions are nice and very informative. I like how you really reach into those senses. A lot of writers can tell me what something looks like and then they stop there, but I like to know what this character smells in the air and what the wind feels like against his cloak. Really good job on that.
I would have liked to see more interactions between Grindelwald and Tom (like dialogue), but for this story it was very well played and I can't say there was anything left to be desired because you summed it up very well. I imagine dialogue wouldn't be very captivating, but I'd like to see you really challenge yourself and try it out. I bet you could make it very alluring. ;)
You have all the skills of a really great author. Very lovely story! Very good plot!
I don't have any critique because, frankly, you don't need it. You are very talented and your very good at what you do. So keep doing what you're doing!
-raishaAuthor's Response: hi there, thanks for reviewing!
thank you so much for such a lovely review. i am really pleased you liked this. showing not telling is so important to me - i used to be the writer who described things in way to much physical detail, but then, i guess i've matured. that comment means a lot to me, cause it means what i am doing is working.
i actually wanted more dialogue as well, but you're right, it didn't really fit the story. i was worried it would break the flow so i left it out.
thank you so much! i really appreciate your review!
Kate xx Report Review
I really loved the first paragraph. It was intriguing and very captivating! A lot of writers don't have the ability to attract readers so fast, so thumbs up to you for that!
You have a very good plot set up. Characterization for all characters is spot on! I don't have any critique at all!
I'm actually going to favorite this story and wait impatiently for the next chapter! :D (Sorry I can't be of help, but really, you don't need help at all!) Keep doing what you're doing!
-raishaAuthor's Response: Ah, thanks so much! I spent so long on the first paragraph, it's ridiculous. Actually, this whole chapter, I must have read it out loud at least thirty times:)
I'm glad you liked the characterisation, I'm still not entirely sure about Draco, we'll see. The next chapter is on the way, I'll have it done by the time the queue reopens. Some new characters enter ;)
Again, thanks so much!!
-Julia Report Review
Slow it down a bit. I know you really want to get the story rolling, but you have to make the reader work for it!
Especially with that first paragraph. Use that paragraph as an attention grabber. Take hold of the reader and make them WANT to continue reading. You started off fine in the first sentence, but it was really rushed after that. Hermione is getting ready to leave for the Weasley's in the first couple sentences, then all of a sudden BAM! She's there!
Take a moment (a minute or maybe even an hour or two!) to add descriptions. Explain HOW she got ready (in a sentence or two) and then tell the reader how she got to the Weasley's (in a full paragraph!) You have the opportunity to really pull me in! Give me a setting and give me action. Rushing is fine for some parts, but in the beginning you really want to drag it out a bit. Really show us readers what you can do!
Be careful with dialogue. Remember that people speak a lot differently then they write. Think about it, would you more likely hear someone say "I'll get this done now." or "I shall finish this promptly." When speaking, people are generally really lazy. When writing descriptions, using bigger words is GOOD! Don't slouch with that, but people don't speak like that in this generation.
“Ok thank you. I shall just go bring my trunk upstairs and then head outside to see Ginny.”
You could make this a really great, in-depth sentence. Really make an effort in your writing! Make it simple, but make it good! Like: "Okay, thank you. I'll take my trunk up and find Ginny." Sometimes, the shorter the sentence, the better. Taking out "head outside to see" really saves space. It's not essential to write that because it was already stated once that Ginny was outdoors. ;)
When having a lot of dialogue, especially between two or more character, don't forget to throw in the occasional "Ginny said" or "Hermione muttered" and so on. This gets rid of confusion and helps with flow.
Your on the right track. You have a good plot going, but you are rushing too much. With proper descriptions, you could have made this one chapter into as much as three or four chapters! Don't get too eager when writing. Spend a lot of time on characterization and descriptive details. Write a chapter, take a day's break, and then go back and make edits and add revisions. :)Author's Response: Thank you for your very lengthy review i can see you put a lot of thought into it and that is great! I will deffinately be working on these things i'm still working on this story so maybe i will go back and add more description and maybe get this chapter into one or maybe two more chapters. thank you for all of your advice.
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
I love this chapter! :)
The argument between Draco and Hermions is very well written and believeable. They both have really witty comebacks and insults...It's just perfect!
And I love Hermione's inner conflict on her feelings for Draco. It's like she knows what her heart is feeling, yet she's fighting so hard to keep the emotions at bay! I just love it! :P
I'll be waiting by for the next chapter! I wish validation didn't have to take so long. XD Haha, 10/10 for another amazing chapter!Author's Response: Thank you! I wish validation didn't take as long also, but hopefully the backlog will decrease some time soon. So I can put the next 52 chapters up as quickly as possible. Report Review
I don't like the sound of Professor Carrow at all. She's a little sadistic and senile. :P I hope she doesn't create too big of a comotion at Hogwarts.
I really enjoyed this chapter! I like how the castle shows obvious changes from this year to the previous one. It really reflects on the hard times the Wizarding world is having with Voldemort in control!
Another great chapter of course. I can't wait for the next one to be validated! ^_^Author's Response: Hi,
It shouldn't be too long, there's quite a backlog so I'm playing the waiting game now. Thank you so much for the reviews! :) Report Review
Yes, another really great chapter! :)
I really like where you're heading with this. I didn't, however, like how short the chapter seemed. I just keep wanting more and more! I'm an impatient person I guess, I really can't wait for the next chapter to be validated! :D
Keep up the good work! I hope there's some Draco/Hermione coming up in the upcoming chapters! ^_^Author's Response: Oh you'll only have to wait until roughly chapter 14 if my memory serves me correctly! It's been almost six months since I wrote that chapter. Trust me there is no shortage of chapters, I'm up to writing chapter sixty. There will be 100, each is roughly 2000 words as it is for a challenge, however the last chapter is up to 10,000 already. I'm uploading as soon as one validates so the next one is a couple of days off. Thanks for reviewing :) Report Review
Another amazing chapter! ^_^
I noticed a few mistakes (I believe at one part you wrote something like 'he' instead of 'his') but other than that this was really beautifully written. I love your vocabulary, it makes the novel sound really smart, which is perfect especially considering it's from Hermiones POV.
I love that you update so often! I can't wait for the next one to be posted!
10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thanks for reviewing, I've been having major issues with that Chapter in particular, although the grammatical errors are another matter entirely, the formatting is difficult to get right for some reason, there's a bit of work to complete on it, hopefully I'll get around to giving it another edit.
Thanks for pointing that out I'll look into it as soon as I have a minute! Report Review
This has got to be one of the most amusing fanfictions that I have ever read. Seriously, your O/C is so much like me it's crazy. (I'm a bit...or totally insane) XD
Can't wait to read the next chapter! I hope it's out soon! :) Report Review
I can't wait for the next chapter. :) I really love your writting style. It's clean and it flows so well.
Good job on the chapter! I hope the next one is posted soon!
I'll be on the lookout for it!Author's Response: Hi!
Thanks for reviewing, the next chapter will be up as soon as validation takes place.
:) Report Review
I love how you can describe everything with such ease. When I'm writting my stories, I struggle so much with that, and it makes me insanely jealous that you make it look so easy.
I really enjoyed the ending, with Draco and his usual arrogant attitude. You've really represtented the characters well.
Great job! I can't wait to read the next chapter!Author's Response: Hi,
Thanks for reviewing, it's a relief to hear someone say that I've captured them as they are. Hopefully they don't get too OOC it is difficult to keep Hermione and Draco in check sometimes. *laughs*
Thanks once again for reviewing. Report Review
I think this is going to be one of my favorite stories ever!
You write so well, and the plot looks really interesting and unique. I like everything about this story, characterization is wonderful and so is the dialouge. Gosh, I wish I could write like you! XP
lol, I'll be waiting for an update! Until then I'll be off reading your other stories!
10/10 Report Review
Heyy, this is raisha from the forums! Sorry I couldn't get to reviewing earlier, I had exams to study for XD Anyhoo, onto the review...
First of all, I LOVE Secondhand Serenade! And this song is my favorite!
In my opinion, I think it'd be really great if you went back and spent more time on the beginning. It's good, but it doesn't seem to have that capturing effect that some stories have. Maybe try to set the mood more? To get it to flow better, try adding in more description, like what the surroundings are and what the characters are seeing. Take time when explaining things, maybe throw in a few more thoughts from the character :)
This story is really great, but I think there's still a few kinks that need to be worked out. It's a really great plot and I like the characterization of Ron and Hermione!Author's Response: Thanks for the help! When I have the time I'm definitely going to go back and revise this. You're pointers really helped! Thanks for reading & I'm glad you like it :) Report Review
Heyy, this is raisha from the forums, here to review your story! Sorry I couldn't do it earlier, I'm currently taking a break from studying for exams XD
Anyhoo, the first paragraph is definetely amazing. It really drew me into the story. It sets the mood and really got my attention. Good job!
You have such an amazing writing style. Very descriptive with a really nice flow. You don't rush, but you don't take too long explaining things either. I also love the fact that you give off only the information that is needed, it makes me want to read more because I feel like I need to know what's going to happen next. Very, very good start and definetly worth reading!
I think I'll favorite this story and continue reading as you update (which I hope will be soon XD ) Expect more reviews from me in the future!
Happy writting hun!
-raishaAuthor's Response: Hey raisha! Don't worry about it at all :D
Aww, this is such a lovely review! I haven't really got much to say to it apart from THANK YOU and I'm blushing. XD
Thank you so much! *glomps* Report Review
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