Lily’s laughter was still echoing in my cranium
lol i love you.
that was one of the most original l/j fix i have ever read... everything else is so cliched and boring
i loved how james actually showed self respect in this one
and some of the lines he said, like about lily being the one with arrogance... they PWNED! lol
real good job...you make l/j seem nice. ;)Author's Response: Aw well thank you so much, dear. I thoroughly enjoyed writing this one. I'm not even sure who won the contest but I enjoyed putting the work into it nonethless :) Report Review
uhhh .ew.. no offence but i found that quite revoltingAuthor's Response: How is that not supposed to be offensive? Report Review
WTF dude that was totally like awesome.!
hahaha, good job :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Whoa, I'm so glad you got this published =D !
It's very well written like I said earlier and you've done a brilliant job with the characters :)
I really hope to read more from you in the future.
Hogwarts_CastleAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! It wouldn't be half as good if you hadn't helped me. ^_^ Report Review
Like how you've mingled the fic with canon. Quite touching, made me pine for love too, lol...!
Good job. Makes a warm, lovely, fuzzy read sure to cheer you up :)
9/10Author's Response: Thank you! I\\\'m glad you liked the touches of canon. Report Review
Hi again! :)
Nice chapter, but a little less funnier than the previous one. Though it's still entertaining to read everything from Dudley's POV!
Here's a type I spotted:
'I was watching the television and planning my activities for the day when I heard who was visitng.' As you probably noticed, the spelling of visiting is wrong.
Anyways, it's really a wonderful chapter and I'm looking forward to more! Please update soon!
P.S. Loved the part where Dudley said that dogs are waiting to take over the world :D
Hogwarts_CastleAuthor's Response: Aww, thanks alot!!! It's harder to make them funny when I have to incorporate canon. But I'm glad you still liked it.
AHHH A TYPO! haha, I'll fix that when I go to edit the story.
I'm glad you liked and thanks for being the 100th REVIEWER!!!!!! Report Review
Wow, how interesting! I like this chapter better :) The first paragraph was so well-written, i was laughing out loud. I also loved the way you made all the slytherin guys behave when Al was sorted into their house, like Goyle grunting at him, lol!
Punctuation still needs attention, though. I spotted some minor punc. errors here and there--
Scorpius answers, â€śweâ€™re family friends. Since Tom..." The word "we're" should have been capitalized, yes, even though it's in the middle of a para, it's still a new senetence.
Other than that, fairly enjoyable fic! I liked reading this chappie :D I loved how you showed one of the slytheirn guys attack albus and then made goyle stop him, that was funny.
It would look all the more better if you were more detailed. Dont rush the events that happen. Enjoy all of it!
Hogwarts_CastleAuthor's Response: Thankyou, thankyou for these kind lovely words! Punctuation and grammatical advice noted.
I'm glad you found some of this chapter funny, I think I can't help but put in comical side comments here and there, even in an otherwise pretty intense scene. I'm not sure if that's good or not but I enjoy it.
Will try to put in more detail the next chapter I write, which will be chapter 4 since chapter 3 has already been submitted.
Thanks once again! I'm planning to read your fic soon too once I get a chance! Report Review
Hi, I'm Hogwarts_Castle from the forums :)
I think it's a very original and different idea to write a story like this in which Albus turns up a Slytheirn, and also one that tells us about Scorpy and Al's friendship. It's a sweet and good idea, I really liked reading it.
I think the tense that you've used in the fic (simple present tense everywhere) is sort of confusing. It would have sounded better if you'd used past tense (like "albus thought...) but that's just my opinion.
You should really add more details to the fic. Don't just narrate whats happening- show it to the people like a film- I mean describe all things you can, like who was with Albus and James in their compartment etc. The story looks kind of rushed right now, as if you're tyring to get it over with as sooon as possible, which I'm sure you didnt really want to show.
The dialogues need attention as well. Here-
â€śThanks, Al. Itâ€™s going to be a busy year I think But for a new little first year youâ€™re not looking your happiest, whyâ€™s that, Al?â€ť Victoire asks, eyes looking with concern at her little cousin.
There's no need to join different sentences by commas. If you write them separately, it looks good. There's commas missing in their rigth places-For example, the senetnce I mentioned could have been written as--
â€śThanks, Al. Itâ€™s going to be a busy year, I think. But for a new little first year, youâ€™re not looking your happiest. Whyâ€™s that, Al?â€ť Victoire asks, eyes looking with concern at her little cousin.
Other than that, I think the characterization of all people was awesome! I liked how you showed James so naughty and always getting into trouble.
Fluer's daughter's characterisation was good, too. I'd never thought she could be so considerate and sensible, lol,I thoguht she'd be vain like her mom. But I liked how you showed her, it was good to see someone understanding Albus
Albus's portrayal was the best in my opinion. I really liked how you showed him different from th rest of his family- also giving us an example- when the family makes decisions he's always questioning them. Nice point!
Basically, I love the plot and it was quite to read.
8/10Author's Response: Hi! Thankyou so much for such a thorough, thoughtful review! You're the best! Now for the present tense, I did it as an experiment cos I always write in past tense, but obviously it's not working. I'm not sure what to do now, can I change the tense of the story half way through? cos to edit all three chapters i've submitted will take forever ( and I'm not yet a trusted author).
I really value the comment you have about describing things in more detail. I guess that is why my chapters are always quite short, because I'm in a hurry to get to the plot, hehe. I'm very impatient like that. But I see what you mean, cos in my mind there's a picture that I need to describe more fully. I'll definitely try to work on that.
And thankyou for your comment about breaking down my sentences, that's something I need to remember, not to join sentences onto sentences but break them up.
Yeah, I think will someone as cool as Bill as a dad, Victoire got to turn out alright, don't you think!
And I'm glad you liked Albus. I do too : )
If you are interested in continuing to read this fic, you will see a gradual change in him...
But even if you don't, I really appreciate your comments and they have been most helpful!! Thankyou so much once again! Report Review
I loved it. it was simply perfect. It looks like you've done a lot of research and hard work while writing this fic...I think it's a brilliant piece of fanfiction. It's almost like I'm reading somehting out of JKR's ...or some very experienced author's work. I wish I had all of this in a book form so I could snuggle up with it in my bed xD It's sort of uncomfortable sitting and reading it on screen, lol.
Oh and I also like your idea of including a chapter-related quote in every chapter.
I didnt know Merope was pronounced as "Me-ro-pee"...I like "Meh-rope" better!
You seem like a professional! Ths fic's so full of reality and thrills and...is just plain awesome. 10/10Author's Response: Hey hey! lol Thanks for yet another kind review, and thank you for saying that about my research. :) I have worked extremely hard on this story to make it as authentic and engaging as possible and it's pretty much become a part of me now, which sounds kind of weird but is true. I've put so much into it and I really feel like Merope and I are kindred spirits, that I almost know her inside and out. It'll be very painful for me when the story is over! :( (I can't even imagine how JKR felt when she finished Harry Potter.)
Haha I wish you had it in book form too, snuggling in bed with a book is my favorite thing to do. You can always print it out if you like - one honest reviewer actually told me that she printed out all of my chapters and read them on the bus, at work, and on the toilet! *dies laughing* I love that girl. Anyway yeah, that's def an option for you. ;)
And yes, Merope is three syllables ... I would have thought it was just "Meh-rope" too but remember Greek names like Penelope, Hermione, Daphne, Persephone all have that last "E" sound. I didn't like the name at first but it's growing on me. :)
Thank you very, very much. I hope you enjoy the rest if you decide to keep reading and I just appreciate your feedback so much. Report Review
Wow! Another fantastic chapter :D
Ok I loved it, i dont even know why you asked for reviews, lol, but I'm glad you did.
Ok so here's what i liked about it--
- No grammar or punctuation mistakes
- You're so original and creative! I loved how you told us about everything happening in the village from bethe's point of view.
- Liked the characterisation of the Mrs Shephard and Mrs Johnson, they're so nicely portrayed as typical gossipy women :D
- Here's a small thing though (just for the sake of some critisicism...) There's a line in there saying ""Until tomorrow," she murmured, looking affectionately at the handpainted sign that read Lawney Medicine Shoppe." You should write the name of the shoppe within single inverted commas.
Besides that I simply loved the fic. The pace was fast and it was really enjoyable to read it. Awesome work :) You're a very good writer!
10/10Author's Response: Haha thanks for coming back again! I ask for reviews because it's always nice to hear some brand-new, unbiased opinions from people who don't know me and haven't been exposed to my work before. I find I get some great honest feedback that way and it really helps me out to hear a variety of opinions. :)
You're probably right about the single quotes around the shop name - I'll check it out and fix it up. :) Thank you so very much! Report Review
Hiya! I'm Hogwarts_Castle from the forums filling your request for reviews :)
First, I'd like to apologize for the long time it took me to review.
Second, I'd like to thank you for asking me to review this awesome fic! It is so creative and original, I simply loved reading it.
I think the idea with the snake talking to Merope was brilliant. I also liked the way you showed her being tortured by her bro and father, that was really heart breaking. The dialogues and setting and way of writing are all true to that time- old fashioned and perfectly fitting.
Everything was very well done. Ugh, I dont want to sound like I'm flattering you or something. It really was brillaint work. I'm adding it to my faves!
One little thing that I think can be changed it when Merope whispers "Damn it!" when her apron got cuaght in the window and the muggles looked up. I think that looked kind of Ooc. She should have been frightened of being discovered at that point and no angry. So somehting like "Oh, no, please help me God" or somehting would be right.
Love it!Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks very much for fulfilling my request :) I'm super glad that you thought it was creative and original, which was my intent since I hadn't found any full-length Merope stories before and I just decided to write one of my own. :D
Glad you liked the locket talking to her! That was one of those moments where I was just lying in bed and sat bolt upright and said, "Hey. What if the Horcrux could talk to her and manipulate her? What if it was helping her on her way?" Because why on Earth would Marvolo Gaunt entrust the locket to a daughter that he looked down on? Logic told me that maybe the locket "chose" her ;)
Hey, it's okay to flatter me because I am very flattered by your kind review :) Thanks for pointing out your opinion about Merope being OoC. I just thought maybe that she would have picked up some "bad language" from living around a potty-mouth like Marvolo all her life. ;) Thanks a million! Report Review
Hey, I'm Hogwarts_Castle from the forums filling your request for a review :)
I. Love. It.
This is one of the best one shots I've read on the site, and it is sooo added to my Super Favourites :D
It is a very common plotline-- to show that Draco does not want to be a DE and is against his dad and all of that, but despite that your fic is very different. It's so well written.
- No Grammar or Punctuation mistakes
- I loved reading from Draco's point of view. I was feeling sad and pitying him all of the time, as opposed to ridiculus that one might feel in some other such fics.
- The pace is so fast, so interesting, so happening and so thrilling that you dont want it to ever end
- All characters were totally true to their canon personalitites. Esp Lucius and Beallatrix, ahh of course Bella! She was fantastic in your fic, behaving totally like JKRs Bella would :)
- I absolutely loved the ending. Draco is the bestest character in the whole world, according to me, and we're married and I feel sorry for his death but truly, there just couldnt have been any other ending to this. I also loved that you didnt really show his death, just Nagini (who i might add is a *censored* creature, lol) slithering over him. Ohh poor Draco :( But as I said, the ending is what makes this fic fantastic.
- I loved how you included the explanation for Dracos condition in the beginning (which was very well poetically & nicely described) in a flashback, and then came back again to the present.
- Dracos comments about how he'e been practising on cockroaches was an ingenious piece idea. Aw the adorable sleek headed poor boy!!! xP
Here are some points that do need attention, though--
- I know that since the fic is from Draco's POV it wouldnt seem right to do it but all his sufferings in the beginning (lying on the cold ground etc) should have been narrated by you instead of by Draco himself. Because right now it looks like he's wallowing in self pity and trying to gain sympathy... I mean, of course he deserves sympathy but a character singing about your own sorrows doesnt make the reader as sad as someone else telling about it.
- When Voldy asks Lucius who killed the Minister of Magic, Lucius says "No one, my Lord, but ..." This should have been "No one, [b]yet[/b], my lord..." or "He isnt dead yet.." because after reading Voldy's statement the reader assumes that the minister is dead and when Lucius says "No one" the reader is like o.O "what?!"
lol So yeah pleeease change it. I want this story to be perfect :)
Otherwise it's a beautiful and awesome one shot and I'm surprised it's only got my review (whats wrong with other people?!?!?! Or did you post it recently?)
Hogwarts_CastleAuthor's Response: Wow! Thank you! I was blushing all the way through that!
I really appreciate the points that you've made, and I plan on fixing them soon!
Thanks! Report Review
Okay, you didn't read my rules at all, eh? I told there I wouldnt read Mature fics if they're graphic.
But I thought it would be rude to run away just like that so here's what I have to say
Very good dialogues. I think that the childish words like "ass" and "fool" which Draco uses for his father can be replaced by somehting more grown up, though.
Lucius is evil and I hate him.
Please stop underlining words that need to be emphasized. Thats what italics is for :)
Whenever you start a new dialogue, capitalize the first word even if it's in the middle of a paragraph. In fact, a new paragraph should be started whenever someone starts speaking.
Draco calling his mother "mum" was a lil OoC, he's always said "Mother" and I'd have liked it that way.
I think the last bit, the fight with Lucius, was all rushed up. Especially the line that says- 'but he [draco] was hit with the cruciatus curse'. It looked abrupt, and it looked uncharacteristically foolish of Draco to turn away from his dad so soon, without having made sure he was safe to leave first.
But anyhow I think it's a good and interesting fic. The main plot--- fighting for your love, is one that's fairly common but even then never fails to invoke interest :)
All the best with the fic :)
Hogwarts_CastleAuthor's Response: oh i'm so sorry! I was reading on the fly before leaving for school, i'm so sorry but thanks for reviewing anyway! Report Review
Ok, very nicely done! I loved all of it, the alternate scenes with draco and Hermione, how much they're suffering etc.
One suggestion though- change the formatting. There should be a line between different paragraphs otherwise it's very annoying to read.
I'm Hogwarts_Castle from the forums, btw, filling your request for reviews =)Author's Response: i've been meaning to do that, when i went through it again, but was distracted! thanks so much! Report Review
Hey, I'm Hogwarts_Castle from the forums. You asked me to review your fic. So here it goes, right from the beginning and all points that I think need attention.
- I liked the description in the beginning about the festive season. (Celestina's voice mingling with other holiday sounds and all)
- I liked the bits of humour involved, too. It was funny and amusing, especially the fact that Molly Weasely had become sensitive with the word "bitch". xD
-There are many missing commas which make it hard to follow. Here are some examples which definitely need attention:
"The ministry as she well knew didn't pay well" I had to read this many times over to get what it meant. Here's the correct form : "The ministry, as she well knew, didn't pay well."
"No Hermione and her partisans just didn't understand the Goblins." Comma after No.
"Just thirty minutes more she thought and Hermione would come charging into the Goblin Liaison Office ..."
Whenever you write about someone's thoughts, italicize it, or at least put commas to separate it from the rest of the sentence. In the mentioned sentence- " Just thirty more minutes, she thought...
Basically there are commas missing after names of people, which is annoying to read. Like- "Hey Hermione" should be "Hey, Hermione"
So your punctuation needs a lot of help.
-"To bad she didnâ€™t actually have a green stamp that said: IMBECILE" should be "Too bad..."
- You have used the word dessert in the fic, comparing Hermiones petition to a whale dead in dessert. Dessert is the pudding you eat after your meal; the spelling is desert xD this is a very common mistake, in fact I spotted three today, lol, so don't mind.
- I have noticed that you use the word 'and' too many times in a sentence, which makes the whole statement complicated. Use and less frequently and let sentences be separate. For eg.
"When she arrived at Hermioneâ€™s office at five after five Michael and Dean were both there and Hermione was right, they did look grim."
You could have written- "When she arrived at Hermioneâ€™s office at five after five, Michael and Dean were both there. Hermione was right, they did look grim."
- â€śHermione, their dead, their all dead! I know they are all dead and we couldnâ€™t be there because you --!â€ť Their should be they're. It's the short form of they are; while their means belonging to them.
- "...for the missing for the missing for she beleived that she had led the squid to her friends. " You have used this sentence somewhere in your fic. As you can see, 'for the missing' has been used twice.
- "Skhe knew Luna hardly at all. " This would have been better as "She hardly knew Luna at all"
- I would have ignored this as a typo but you've used latter for later many times, so I thought I'd point out it's supposed to be 'later' :)
Please don't think I'm trying to dig out and illuminate all your mistakes. I'm just trying to help :)
Other than this, I think it was a creative & original one shot. You should have been a little more simple and clear in telling us about the magical creatures, that part was little confusing. Also, the fic seems to be going at a good, slow pace in the beginning but suddenly after Hermione got the news, it was all seemed rushed-up, as if you were trying to finish it off as soon as possible. So be more detailed in that part- like it was in the beginning. That part was very enjoyable.
I also liked how Luna is finally recognized as believable :D
The news in the magazine was very funny, like How to reduce weight by millie bulstrode! Hehehe!
The reason why you got less reviews is probably because :
1- The title is weird and doesnt really suit the story.
2- It is a different idea and not many people are really open to such fics
3- It's a long fic. Many people dont really like such lengthed stories.
I'd say though that all in all, quite a good attempt.
Hogwarts_Castle.Author's Response: Thank you Hogwarts_ castle. Actually this was why I specifically requested the review. And itâ€™s exactly the sort of review I wanted. Things to work on. I wasn't really satisfied with this fic and good quality reviews give me angles to work on. I've never sent this to a beta, which of course I should have done, relying instead on my own horrible proofreading skills is usually a small disaster. But the things you mentioned are all easy enough to fix and I'll fix them tonight or this weekend. It's easy to put commas back, someone a while back said I use to many, so maybe I tilted the wrong way with this fic and now I have to look for that in my more recent writing.
Also it might have been a subconscious attempt to capture the feel of the bureaucrat that is Audrey.
And you right, about it being rushed at the end, I was trying to get it under a word count for a contest. It's obvious to me that this should be a multiple chapter fic now. I think Iâ€™ll go cut it right after the letter. In fact there is at least three chapters here.
This would give me time to work on the development of the creatures etc...
I misspelled desert? That annoys me because I remember specifically checking that and still got it wrong somehow.
It's long? Really this is one of my shorter fics. I disagree about the title; it is my favorite part of the fic. I thought it was clever and really got to the heart of the story. But I'll think about that.
About different ideas, I've written very few mainstream fics. But maybe I should try.
Thanks for your spectacular and much appreciate review. I'll return the favor of course.
That, my dear, was amazing.
It's different from anything I've read in the fanfic world.
It was so insightful, ahh I love philosohical stuff so much!
I can totally relate to Penny. Oh well no I havent yet seen life that much. But all her dreams of changing the world, and then
feeling her insignificance and how she had turned into a completely average person...just another face in the crowd...all are
feelings that have been experienced by me too :) So I could totally understand what penelope was talking about.
I also liked the way it was all written. She wasn't completely swept over by her emotions and was trying to shrug it all off like it
wasn't a big deal but inside she knew that what the voice inside of her was saying was all true. Also liked the humour involved!
I was hoping all the time that she doesnt do anything stupid like, refuse to take the degree or anything cuz she was going to
leave it all, anyway... she didn't do it and I liked that.
This fic shows how we shouldnt run away from our fears. It was short and...not sweet, um, insightful. Short and Insightful.
Very good work. You need to be talented to write about stuff like this. Grammar and Punctuation were good too :)
I think Penelope was a random choice for the main character...though yes, we do get to know a lot about her as a person
You could've done maybe...Hannah Abbott or Parvati or Padma or Cho Chang or someone, even Pansy, but that's just my
opinion...I just feel Penelope was a very random choice.
Anyways, good work. Keep it up! From where did you get inspiration for this? Very creative and original!!! :)
Oh and I also like the title!
Hogwarts_CastleAuthor's Response: oh now you're making me blush :)
Where did I get the inspiration? Oh dear. I think it was when PadfootBlack16, aka drew, set up this Time collab and asked for help. So I chose a graduation ceremony. At first it was going to be Hermione, but then I would need to write a valedictorian speech, and, well, I didn't want to do that ;). So I chose a smart, noticeably minor character with no canon voice - Penny.
Thanks for the review, I love it so much!
Very interesting chapter!
Keep up the good work :D
All the best
Hogwarts_CastleAuthor's Response: thank you :)
i'm very grateful that you would do this for me. I really appreciate it :) Report Review
Ok, nice...fun chapter.
Punctuation was still irksome though. You could use a Beta Reader in that region.
I can't see Hermione being so talkative with Malfoy specially when he wasn't talking to her but Neville but it isn't too much.
Love Draco! xD
Last line was impressive!
HCAuthor's Response: Betas Betas Betas....
I understand the thing with Hermione not being so talkative with Malfoy, but....
i beg to differ. He was picking on one of her friends, and she, being the person of integrity that she is, would take the hit rather than have her friend take it :)
and thanks :) once again. you're a god-send. Report Review
Oh my god, wow, you're sooo brilliant.
Tristan is SCARY. I actually got goosebumps on my body after I read the last line. But I'm sure you wanted him to be like that, well, awesome portrayal of him. He's so sinister, so spooky, I wonder how Ginny survived with him for three years. Coming to that, I liked how the story immediately progressed to three years after, it was nice!
The things Tristan said to Hermione, gosh, I was so shocked to read them :-O I'm totally absorbed into this story. It is one thing to create a strangely sinsiter character and quite another to develop it and carry it well, and I'm happy to say you've done both. I haven't read anything like this before in fanfiction and I'm happy you asked me to review this or I would never had come to read such a brillaint fic!
Anyways, here's an advice. In the chapter you've used the word 'serious' too many times to describe the looks Tristan gives to people. While it does emphasize the fact that he's odd, it also looks a bit forced. So try using sombre/calculating or some other word instead of serious.
Other than that, wow do I need to tell you again jow much I love this?
10/10 Please try updating soon :)
Hogwarts_Castle.Author's Response: Haha I'm really enjoying everyone's reactions to Tristan! He's not that scary, is he??? Although, if you find this chapter scary, you just wait for what I've planned for later! *mwahaha*
Yes I know I've used serious way too often...I'll repost the chapter soon with edits lol
Thank you! xxx Report Review
Hey, this is Hogwarts_Castle from the forums.
Ok, FANTASTIC chapter. I loved everything in it :)
-The formatting was good (no grammar or punctuation errors and it was very enjoyable to read)
- LOOOVED the charcaterisation of everyone. To be honest, this is the first new generation fic that I have read in which Ginny and Harry are protrayed well. Generally people completely ignore them and pay all attention to their children which looks so bad! But I loved how Ginny and Harry teased each other, and were comletely true to their respective characters. I'd like to say that writing Harry, especially an adult one, lol, is difficult. Your portryal of him, though is an inspiration to anyone who wants to include him in his fics. Oh and I also felt very happy and warm inside afterI read this fic-- Harrys so happy now after so many sufferings in his teenage and childhood. Ahh, I feel so good seeing Harry and Ginny so grown up! With their children, who they're happily sending off to school *wipes tears of joy*
-Liked the children's characterisations, too. All of them are so different from each other, and still all are likable :)
-Liked the humour bits in between, esp. how James was teasing Lily for getting her ready! xD Loved that part
Overall, very good work. I seriously like it! The progress is fast and you are not bored even for a second.
10/10Author's Response: Thank you! :D :D
Characterisation is a BIG thing for me, so I'm really glad that you like it. No-ones talked about Harry in a review, so thank you for mentioning him! I was really nervous about including him, mainly because he is the MAIN character in the HP books...but I'm happy you think I pulled it off! It's just a question of carrying it on...lol
Thank you very much for the awesome review! Its so nice to get home from a long day at college and read a great review like this! :D xxx Report Review
It's well written and fun, though I'm slightly confused about the rules of the game and will read them again :)
Nice work, pay attention to puncutaion though.
Good dialogues, Blaise is so cheeky lol.
H_CAuthor's Response: they are a tad bit confusing. I might have to go back and re-do them...
Punctuation shall be the death of me...
as are typos.
and thanks :) i'm glad you're enjoying yourself :) Report Review
Hiya, this is Hogwarts_Castle from the forums.
Ookay, you're in for a looong review, since I noted down every point that needs attention in a notepad right from the beginning :)
-First of all, LOVE the idea. It's so original, so fun, so intriguing and just plain awesome to read about.
-Love the characterisation of Draco, though I think it's a bit out of character for him to take so much interest in Hermione right from the first chapter. I know it must be necessary for the plot...but anyway it's not a big deal. All his dialogues are enjoyable. He's so awesomely portrayed, ahh, I love him even more now :P
-Hermione's comebacks are GREAT.
-I think the trio looked strange calling each other by their last names just over a trivial fight. Like Ron saying "Get over it, Granger." That was so cold, he wasn't even angry at her. So i suggest you change it to Hermione.
-Whenever someone is talking to himself, italicize his thoughts. Like when Hermione was "I will not cry, i will not cry." It looks so much better if the thoughts are italicized. At first I thought she was talking to Harry & Ron, see?
-You should pay attention to punctuation. I didnt find any major mistakes, just some like "Goodbye Potter and Weasely." Comma after Goodbye.
-Ok, after Hermione left Harry and Ron alone in the beginning of the chapter, Harry n Ron talk about how she should come back to her senses or they would fail. That is OOc for them. Hermione is not their best friend only because she helps them with their studies. It was very mean of them to say it and I was shocked to read it. They would never say something like that.
-I loved this part : Hermione was Mrs Weasely's favorite girl (other than her own daughter). xD
-Pay attention to this sentence from McGonagall's letter..." I am pleased to inform you that this year we will be holding a series of rather interesting events and no real schooling shall be taking place, and your seventh year education has been postponed for a year." Don't use 'and' so many times, it doesnt sound too good. The last sentence "And your seventh year..." could have been made into a separate sentence.
-"Due to recent events, such as the death of the man who was named Voldemort, this is taking place." This sentence would have sounded better as " This is taking place due to the recent events..."
-Also in McGonagall's letter, you've written "Thank you so much for your cooperation" twice; once after the main text of the letter and the second time after the list of supplies.
-I LOVED Hermione's comeback to Draco ( "Is this the boy-turned-ferret?" or something) but I think you should also have described Draco's reaction. That would have been so much fun; right now it leaves the reader unsatisfied.
-In McGonagall's speech, she calls Hogwarts "Hogwarts Witchcraft and Wizardry" which as you must know isn't the right name, it should be Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
-McGongall looked slightly OOC when she said the following in her speech
---I felt that it was my duty to open the school for those of you who either, had no parents,â€ť she paused glancing at the boy who lived, â€śor had nowhere to go during this period of parent protectiveness.â€ť ---
It was slightly mean of her to look at Harry pointingly when she talked of orphans.
x x x
With all that said, I'd again like to tell you how much I liked this fic. Please do not think I was trying to dig out and illuminate your mistakes, I'm just trying to help you. I copied all the things in my notepad as I was reading, which made me point out even trivial things which do not matter much. Your fic is awesome, it's a brillaint idea and I'm dying to read more. :D
Hogwarts_CastleAuthor's Response: you are an amazing reviewer....i'm in shock, really, and truly. But i did go back and fix everything, i'm just waiting for it to be re-validated. so no worries ;) i really appreciate you doing this, and i will have to look into the prospects of a Beta. Thank you so much for everything, you're a charm :) Report Review
I have a lot to say about this chapter.
First of all, this is THE funniest chappie of this story and I absoluetly LOVED it. I was laughing all the time, it is just brilliant.
Here are some parts that only a genius could think of and that made me LALOL.
-Dudley's way of getting money from the children [the see saw bit, it was sooo funny!]
-"Want some ice cream" "So would we"
-Mark Evans and his allergies
-PURPLE KNEES!?! OH MY GOD THAT IS SO EFFING FUNNY! Gonna remember that all my life!!!
[Btw I was singing this song today. Co-incidence? No. Witchiness! ]
It was great.
I spotted a plot hole though. When Dudders (I just like using that name, do NOT think I'm crushing on him!) ...heard his father's voice behind him [ "Put. It Down" ] how could he have confused it as his mother's.?
Moreover if you want this fic to sound like it's really from Dudder's POV, use British spellings. Like arse instead of ass and so on.
Anyways do I really need to point out again how much I love it?
10/10. Awesome work, dear!
P.S. I'll come back to this fic later. Have to go and sleep now, I'm really tired. Good night!Author's Response: Oh, wow. Oh wow o wow o wow. Thank you sooo much. This is my favorite chapter too! I'm so glad you liked.
Wow, thank's for spotting that plot hole! It got right by me! When I edit I'll add a little something. I think he was just so scared of being caught all he heard were the words. Who knows? (Oh right, me.)
Thank's sooo much. Next chapter 50% finished, up ASAP! Report Review
"She gave me a pointed look at my bottom. Oh. I gave her a small look of anxiety." LALOL!!!
Oh gosh, this is the best and funniest chapter till now! I loved it how Dudley became all excited when he thought he was a wizard too!
You've really captured sibling (or cousin) psychology. What I mean is even though Dudley hates Harry so much it's because he's jealous of him. Unlike Petunia or Vernon. Duh. You didn't show Dudley hating Harry just because. You get what I mean?
Ah well, awesome chpater. 10/10Author's Response: Oh, thank you sooo much! I'm glad you liked this one becaue I wasn't so sure about it. I'm SOOOO happy you liked!!!! *Jumps up and down. Alot.* Report Review
Whoa...Dudley misses Harry. Well, not that way but at least he does, lol.
Cool chapter. Didnt find any thing to criticize about, except that the italicized "he" still irks me, lol.
Like for eg there's this line in the chappie: "Yah, I know.Heâ€™s my cousin" I'm sure what you wanted to say was "He's my cousin" So you see it's all giving emphasis on the wrong word. But it's a very small thing and the rest of the [awesome] chapter makes it invisible :)
I like it a lot :D
Nice, different and interesting concept. I mean this is the first fic that I've read which is from Dudder's point of view. No one cares much about him while it can actually make such good stories like I'm witnessing here.
Anyways... new chappie here I come.Author's Response: Oh thank you sooo much. You have no idea how much this really means to me.
I'm sorry you don't like the he's. I really am. I just can't change it now, I think it makes sence.
Anyway, I'm SOOO HAPPY YOU LIKE!!! Report Review
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