Congratulations, for hitting many of the different aspects of schizophrenia on the head. The insecurity, the repressed emotions and feelings, the lack of get up and go to do everyday things.
But be warned. Schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder are two very different things indeed. Schizophrenia is linked to auditory and visual hallucinations. There is no multiple personality about it. They just see and hear things that are not there which can lead to delusional thoughts and paranoia. While some of these voices may seemingly be in their head, they are very much separate so are not other personalities, as they don't accumulate into different personalities. Just voices that plague one.
Research will help you understand it well. And take it from someone who's partner has both disorders, Oliver should be in for an extremely rocky ride.
Well done on the whole though :) I am of course interested to see whether this will continue and will get pulled off :) Report Review
I absolutely adore the idea of this story and the sentiment behind it, which was why I was disappointed to find that I have never left a review before, as this is my third (or was it fourth) time of reading it. It is such an original idea, I would never have thought of it, and I am sure neither would many of the authors on here! Absolutely brilliant!
I don't really know how to explain what was going through my mind each time I have read this, needless to say that I still love it as much as the first time I read it. I always knew that it was a highly unlikely possibility if not nigh on impossible, but just the thought makes you feel good and look at Hedwig slightly differently in the books.
The only slight criticism I would have is that she seems a little too angry/upset with Harry sometimes, and shows it a little too much. From what I have gathered you want to show her as Lily and not the owl, she is only owl in body as far as I can gather. So I thought that she would remain by Harry's side even when he uses other owls, because it is in a parent's nature to stick there. Once again, that can be looked at in two ways, as your way is more like the Hedwig we normally see in the books. Either way works, just a little observation.
In general, brilliant story. And huge apologies for not reviewing sooner. :D
Keep up the good work! Report Review
I really quite liked this one-shot, which is quite the compliment from me, considering that I am not really a big fan of Pansy as a character at all, I would rather have wiped her out of the books altogether than include her in anything. But I really liked how this was written, even when handling characters I am not too keen to read about.
You can really feel every single emotion and thought running through Pansy’s head, I think that the words are very well picked out; they have a strong enough message without sounding entirely manufactured. Which I think is possibly the best element of the whole one shot. And the reader not only feels what Pansy feels, but also manages to see it partially from Blaise’s point of you. Not to the same extent as you see it from Pansy, but enough to assure the reader that Blaise is human, not just one of those soulless villains there to be a good story telling device.
You also have some enviable ways of writing. Your descriptions are not the longest and wordiest I have ever read, but some of them are the most effective I have come across in fan fiction. There are some really brilliant descriptions dotted about the piece that stand head and shoulders above the rest, but all in all the description remains at a good standard the whole way through anyway. I also envy your knowledge of writing dialogue, it has always been something I struggle with and get very jealous of authors who obviously know how to properly punctuate their pieces of dialogue.
And perhaps an odd little thing I like is your use of italics. Speaking as an author on the site, I can never be bothered to go back and find every word that I would use emphasis on to italicise it, but you have done that quite a bit to yours. Good for you! In many places it is very effective indeed.
There are obviously a few faults here and there though throughout the one shot. Nothing major. I believe there was a couple of sentences that needed a little jiggling around, or even just a little more punctuation to be put in. But nothing in serious need of immediate attention.
So all in all, not a bad one-shot at all. I feel like I have read sameish one-shots about break ups time after time, but this one was refreshingly well written, so well done for that. It is hard to take such an idea and actually put your own mark on it.
Keep up the good work.Author's Response: Longest review ever? Quite possibly Lol
I tend to dislike Pansy too, but I did this challenge and you really want to believe there's another side to her than whinging!
The fic was mainly about Pansy, but I thought that Blaise needed to have some sort of character and opinion, not just the odd grunt here and there and I'm glad that in your opinion I managed it. I don't even know what to say about your comments on my writing, I'm just so thrilled!
I wouldn't say I was the most skilled at dialogue, but I wrote a one-shot that was really all dialogue to try and improve and I suppose it helped me, so you could try that and it might help-It feels so weird to be giving out tips! Lol
Yeah, I italicised it in the word. doc. I had and then had to scan the whole piece to reinsert them, stressful but I really thought they were needed.
If it was faultless then I don't think it would be my writing Lol I must say one of your comments I'm happiest about is that you think I put my own stamp on a well worn idea! Ecstatic.
I'm really glad you liked it and took the time to leave this review =] Report Review
Okay, brace yourself, because I have quite a lot to say, most of which is (hopefully constructive) criticism.
The one thing that really strikes me with this chapter is how much I really hate the portrayal of Alice already. Sorry to be brutally honest, but she is actually quite a well formed character in my mind and this Alice really doesn't match in my mind. She just seems very Mary-Sueish to me and just too perfect in looks and too girly in personality.
Alice is the mother of Neville and I think it is mentioned somewhere that Neville got a vast amount of her looks. I always pictured her with brown hair and eyes, a plump face and relatively plain. Particularly when compared to Lily who has always been described as a stunner. But I'm not going to kill you for how you have described her physical in essence :D That is just crazy! I just think you have overdone the descriptions really, you are kissing her with too many elements! Sunk kissed, strawberry, honey, champagne, gold, sapphire. See where I am going here? You need to tone it down and make her more normal. She's a teenager, she should at least have some spots! :D
I think what you also need to remember is that Alice is an auror, you have shown some of her intelligence. But she just seems so extremely girly! Obviously this is a fluffy, comedy romance fic, so characters like that fit in. But I personally feel that her happy-go-luckiness and her bubbliness and hair and make-upness should be toned down a bit. At that age she may probably be thinking about her future and possibly planning on being an auror already. Unless she goes to Hogwarts to and her eyes open? Obviously I don't know yet. But the perfect girliness of her character really puts me off.
As for Lily. Her low self esteem bugs me, but in many ways that is very realistic fact of teenage girls. So in a way I hate that element of her, but like it at the same time.
The whole description of Beauxbatons confuses me. But I realise that it is the driving force for Lily becoming a guy. One thing I would like to mention is that if the school is very snobby and ladylike then Alice and Lily should by rights be like that themselves. I realise that they may have resented it at first, but they have been there what . 5 or 6 years? Even if it is unwillingly, they are bound to have picked up a bit of snobbery. It would make them more realistic and perhaps give another hurdle for whatever your plot is at a later date. From them going from high class snobbery to an all boys school with the likes of the marauders, really will clash in personalities. And it would be interesting to see a snobby guy.
The next biggest bug for me is the lack of description. I realise that first person doesn't lend itself towards description, however I think that this chapter really could do with some more. And not in the list form that you have offered for the characters (it is generally better to try and show who they are through their actions, because actions cause a lasting impression). Describe the sounds and the smells that she encounters and what she picks up and little mannerisms. What she sees and what she does. Rather than dialogue cut up by internal dialogue.
And I am going to leave it there before you tear your hair out as I criticise everything! Sorry for being so blunt and pointing and poking. Please don't take it too close to heart. I realise that with fluff you get away with this stuff more, but I spot things like I have mentioned like a hawk, being the anti-fluff person that I am! :D
Your actual quality of writing is fine, grammar and spelling fine as far as I can see. Punctuation I know nothing about apart from capital letter and full stop, so I can't nit pick their either! But it seems fine to my untrained eye. I would just suggest including some more description where you can and perhaps taking another look at your characters.
And that is goodbye from me. Please don't hold this review against me, I have tried to construct. First chapters are often the worst anyway and I have a feeling that as soon as she gets to Hogwarts, I will have more praises to sing.
~ WTR, (Faded Warrior, Emma)Author's Response: I liked this review. That may sound weird, but most of the little reviews I get, are people saying 'uPdAte SoOoOn plzplzplz xx"
And that doesn't help at all. SO you pointing all the bad things is good. And I thank you. A lot!
Al Report Review
Scorpius. Scorpius, Scorpius, Scorpius. Why does he tease us all so? :D
Adored the awkwardness, my God you are converting me into someone who enjoys the fluffy moments. It was so well written that it wasn't overdone yet everything that you needed to make it awkward, sweet, funny and embarassing for both Rose and the reader is all there. Brilliance. The Herbology moment I think was the best, yet I couldn't help but think why she just didn't elbow him hard in the ribs for being so darn annoying. That's what I'd do. *shrugs* lol
To be very honest, I don't have much else to say on this chapter, which I will probably find is a lie in the next moment or two as I continue to waffle enormously. I am a little disappointed inthe lack of Albus once again, I don't even care whether he is with Emily either because I find her kind of annoying. But the Scorose awkward moments are obviously the funniest and more dominant in this story, so I can't blame you!
Urm yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say at the moment. Apart from I would love to see a bit more actually 'happen' in the fic. We kind of have all of the backstory now and another chapter full of awkwardness and fluffy moments may be overkill. Pretty good overall.
~ Weasley twins rock (Emma) Report Review
A lot better, more substance less fluff.
I'm loving the scattiness of Rose, both in her mind and in herself, if that makes any sense. And of course the fact that she immediately blurts out what she is thinking when she is thinking it at the most awkward of times, which we don't see enough of in fiction and in real life in my opinion. :D
Scorpius I am not so fond of at the moment, way too much Draco in him for my liking. Although I have actually built up a rather odd characterisation of Scorpius in my head which I haven't seen in any fics on the archive at all. I can see though that many people choose to portray him like his father, which is totally understandable, I would imagine that Draco does pass on mant of his habits and views. I just really don't see the Malfoy family being as arrogant after the war. Although you did point out in the chapter, all seventeen year old guys have too much arrogance and testosterone and they just can't handle it all at once!
Did you know that I am very jealous of you at the moment? And all because of a little matter of punctuation. I am desperately trying to learn how to use punctuation properly, never having learnt anything other than capital letters and full stops. So, I may be using your work as some reference in the future, because by the looks of things you really know how to use punctuation in speech. I suppose I will have to check out that new area in SAYS as well. *muses*
Anyway, I am going off on a tangent again.
I would love to see some more of Albus, I really like him for some odd reason and I only noticed it in his abscence from the chapter. Well you know what they say: 'You never know what you have until it is gone.' Glad to see that he may be in a more leading role of the next chapter.
So yeah, I enjoyed this chapter a lot more. And am looking forward to what Scorpius has in store in their 'walk'. Because I do not believe, for one second, that he decides to go for a walk by a mere coincidence. :)
~ Weasley twins rock (Emma) Report Review
To be honest Em, I am not really over enamoured with this chapter, though you said yourself that the first chapter is quite slow going, as many first chapters are. I personally think that it is the pure fluffiness that puts me off a little, but that is all down to personal taste.
For the way you have written this, it is very much your stereotypical teenagers view upon the world. Stupidly stressed about silly things that don't even matter that much, everything is over the top and all they can think about it having a good lie in and having a laugh with friends. Teenager to a 't'. Which was probably easy for you as (I think) you are around the same age as them? If I'm wrong, oh well, most authors on here are around about that age. :D
The characters. I'll be frank, not over enamoured by them either, but it is only first chapter, I will probably warm up to them later. The next generation only holds a little bit of interest for me, Scorpius I find interesting and Luna's children particularly. As for the OCs, to be frank I feel like I have read about them a thousand times before. They are obviously very human and well rounded characters and probably in their own way very original but I just feel like I have already read about them in a thousand other stories. Oh well, perhaps I am being weird :S Or perhaps it is the attack of the fluffiness that is warping my judgement.
And of course, I have a favourite part of the chapter. Which I am sure many people would agree is the description of Albus singing. It was silly and childish, but it made me giggle and I loved it.
Oh, I just remembered, I got very confused with the time of the year they are in. At the beginning they are getting on the train, the next paragraph they are leaving? She says that she is staying for Christmas at Hogwarts, so they must have got on the train in September time. Next minute I know they are leaving already, which over half a year later? Just confused me a little, tis all.
However the ending was much better. I like the meeting, it really reflects the rest of the chapter, just clumsily stumbling into him. You make it obvious from here on in (for those people who don't read summaries and story information properly such as myself) that this is a Scorose story. And it is in such an innocent manner which is refreshingly un-cliche.
So I am waffling now and the last paragraph made little sense. That symbols the time for me to wind the review up. So yeah, overall not too fond of it, fluffy teenagers scare me slightly in real life, so I don't read about them that much. But it was written with some promise, so I have higher hopes for the next chapter. Not bad, but not particularly good either.
Heres hoping that you don't take this review too closely to heart.
~ Weasley twins rock (Emma, Faded W, whatever you want to call me! :) ) Report Review
Yeah you have probably had enough of that word now. But this one shot really has blown me away. It is the best piece of fanfiction I have read in an extremely long time and was just absolutely fantastic. I am so very jealous of you right now.
Your writing stype and particularly your description is very flowy and almost poetic in some places. Quite often that style of writing does not really appeal to me that well, but this was written in such a way that it simply took my breath away for a moment. I particularly love the very beginning and the very end with the narrative by death. It is less sinister than many other death narratives I have read, which is very nice, you put a tender side to it. However the beginning and the end really do seriously overshadow some other parts of the fic. Which is a bit of a shame, however I think that the way you have written it in general is really nice.
My favourite thing about this one shot though is the realism of it. I don't think I have read anything that seems so true as to reflect real life. Astoria and Draco seemed so real that they would step straight out of the computer screen and settle down on my dining table for dinner. And the mixture of loss, sorrow, joy and a subtle mutual love really bring the feelings to life in here. I particularly adore their mutual respect for each other, they are not all over each other and declaring their love for the whole world to know, shown by their simple wedding. Yet you can tell that they really do love each other. Which is so nice to see after all of these cliched and over dramatised romances floating around everywhere.
I think that the characterisation of Narcissa was amazing, the formality yet kindness for her daughter in law I think really suits her well. It was nice to see her not molly coddling Draco, it was almost weird to learn that at the beginning they were not talking.
I have to say it though, Draco seemed a little OOC to me. I think that it may be the anti-Draco me speaking, as I do so despise his character. I think that fanfiction really has slaughtered him good and proper. So know it is hard for me to read anything with him in it without completely over analysing everything. He was not too bad, I think at the very beginning he was perfect, just sometimes you seemed to lose him altogether. I cannot pick any significant moment out but I know that I seemed to forget that it was Draco at certain points. I wouldn't worry about it too much, it is probably me just hating Draco.
And Astoria of course intrigued me no end, she seems a fairly nicely rounded character. And you have written her in a way that makes me immediately feel familiar with her character. As though she has always had a fairly prominent place in the books.
So yeah, overall loved it to pieces. The realism, the characterisation, just the way you write astounds me. This really is a one shot that many authors can aspire to. 10/10 :)
- WTRAuthor's Response: You probably can tell that I haven't known what to answer for quite a while; if I'd known what to say, you wouldn't have had to wait so long for this reply. Sorry. But this just knocked the breath out of me! Thank you for a very balanced review. I understand when you saw Draco a bit too OOC. I knew from the start that he was, but I wasn't sure how to make him the Draco we all know. All I have to say is that he's changed. Perhaps not as much as I showed in this, but I wanted these new attributes to be noticable. I couldn't handle subtle! But I appreciate it that you point it out and if I ever decide to write him again, I'm gonna try to work on him a bit more. It makes me very happy to hear that you liked Astoria. I loved writing her. She was very interesting and it was different to write her character in some ways... The fact that you find this realistic just makes me want to cry WOOT! out loud. Realism is very important - not only in surroundings but feelings too - and I constantly aim toward it. Anyway, what else to say? Thank you for this amazing review, you've made my week ^_^ Report Review
This is an extremely interesting story, I personally know nothing about the stereotypical vampire apart from their taste for blood, so this has me really interested. This chapter gives a very good insight into what it is to be a vampire, with the immortality and the oppression, what with the need to feed, the beauty, brains and the ability to read minds. It does on paper seem very Mary-Sueish, but the situation that it is in, completely obliterates most possibilities of any of them being Mary-Sueish.
Firstly I like the names, they are slightly different enough in their own right yet not way out there making them seem completely different to humans. Now I know that these are different to humans, yet they have the same body etc .. etc.
I would also like to congratulate you on making me interested in a fic including Draco and a love interest? I barely ever read Draco unless it is requested of me or he meets his untimely demise, however this has really interested me, which is quite some praise coming from a Draco hater! I also like her reaction to him and his mannerisms, she is attracted to him in a way, yet the human thing gets in the way, it is almost as if she is subconciously kidding herself.
Immediate thoughts aside, you write beautifully. I am really envious of people like you who can write so nicely without completely overdoing descriptions and suchlike.
Brilliant chapter, this may make it to my favourites column yet! 9/10Author's Response: Wow, a vampire virgin? That's exciting...I get to poison your mind...mwah ha ha. Although you should really read Twilight for your vampire learning.
Ooh the names! Here's where I get to gush about how I chose them. Kali and Bree were the first characters to pop into my head, although Bree was nameless for a long time. Kali's name just popped into my head when I thought about her appearance...and I loved that it had Indian heritage because that added to exotic factor to her character. Bree's name I found by going through one of those sites with a million names...my only guide being that she should probably be Irish, since she had red hair.
Spencer's name I think is the most amusing because the moment I formed his character in my head, he was named Spencer. It was only after watching the movie Mona Lisa Smile that I realized he was rather based off the character who marries Kirsten Dunst, although he is different enough so I can keep him.
Wow...that was long...hehe
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I have been putting this review off way too long now :)
I don't actually have an amazing amount to say, so sorry if this is not at all helpful. Your writing is good, your descriptions are beautiful and your take on Regulus is intriguing, with the mysterious theme you have going on for him. I must admit that I don't like the character Scarlett, but I can't quite put my finger on why I don't like her. Although I do have a tendency to switch off in a fic where it starts with the kiss and then develops the character, yeah I know I'm weird. I think you shold be careful about her possibly drifting into Mary-Sue territory, she isn't there at all at the moment, you just have to keep a clear head about who she is. It also bugged me that she is already engaged when on her way to Hogwarts, but that is probably just me, it probably plays a big part in the doubtless reems of complications that she will encounter in her quest for true love.
So yes, it wasn't a bad fic at all. I have always been told that you should never incorporate something turning out to be a dream at the end, so alarm bells went off at one point, but you flipped that worry around, which was pleasantly surprising.
Well done, keep writing! Report Review
I think that one word you could use to sum up this chapter is 'emotive'. You really have captured the grieving and what emotional effects it has upon Ron. I often get tired of reading Ron abusing alcohol, he seems to be a character that many people choose to make an alcoholic. And I will admit that at the very beginning I did roll my eyes at your character choice, but in fact you did do it very well indeed. You make it seem more real, you indicate that it is more of a consequence, than something he developed by chance.
As for what your concerns were. I can understand why someone might say that you have overdone the description and therefore stalled the story. However I don't think it is anything to worry about, the level of description is fine, I think. However I do think that the story is pretty slow, to imrpove it I personally would perhaps hint a little more to the circumstance of her death, and perhaps more of the anger towards Harry. You have shown that he gets quite angry when drunk, Ron is hot-headed when sobre after all, to have that anger directed towards Harry at certain prompts would perhaps break it up a little, instead of the drinking, thinking, drinking, thinking loop that seemed to go on a little too long.
Over all a very good story, which I think has a little room for imrpovement, as all stories do. I did notice a couple of spelling mistakes and I think an instance where you should have a gap between the trails of thought between Ron and Hermione. I had to read that part several times, to understand who was thinking what. One spelling mistake is that you put 'grim' instead of 'grime' at the very beginning, I think there are a couple more, but I can't find them again.
Well done :)Author's Response: Thank you Report Review
Good old Neville. I don't know whether I'm sitting in a draught or something, but through reading all of that I had goosebumps. I have no idea why, sorry if I seem too surprised, but that doesn't normally happen to me when I'm reading, so you must have done something right.
I love the character Neville, he is majorly understated and I think that this little one-shot is a brilliant tribute to his character. Everyone can sympathise with him and many do, however this really does show how students look up to him in admiration, which he so deserves!
I don't really think any more needs to be said. I adored it, not only shall my review become the second, it shall join my favourites list and I will even recommend it in whatever category it fits in. I love it so much. Well done!Author's Response: Thank you so much.
I love Neville. He's so adorable and one of those characters that comes full circle. I agree with you, he doesn't get NEARLY enough press. For example, I was gutted when they gave the magical clumsiness to Seamus in the movies. BAD CHOICE!
Thank you again for the review. Report Review
I will be extremely honest, I didn't like it. However don't take it personally, I just don't really like anything fluffy and romantic because I am a heartless fiend :P
It wasn't terribly written but I won't lie and say that it is the best I have ever read, because it isn't. I have found some room for improvement and some spelling mistakes to point out for you. How fun does that sound! :) I may as well list them.
- You have put 'give' instead of 'gift', when she talks about getting Ron something for Valentines day.
- You put 'to prepare lovely breakfast' when she is preparing breakfast. It really should be 'to prepare a lovely breakfast'
- You have put 'it fit perfectly' when Ron gives her the ring. It should have been 'fitted' instead of 'fit'.
- You have written 'Ron drove to somewhere Hermione dint recognize.' It should be "didn't" instead of 'dint'.
- At the very end in the italics you have used the word 'defiantly' out of context, I think you meant 'definitely'.
You have also missed out numerous full stops at the end of the lines with speech in them. Without sounding completely rude, there are loads of them, so you could go through and look at that, it would imrpove the quality of the writing, I promise.
And now I have one more bad point and the good news. It irked me how Ron called Hermione 'Herms', I know that some may find that cute or romantic, but that is one of my bug bears. Just my opinion, I'm not saying that you have to get rid of it. What I find a little amusing is he calls her the same name as the family owl who he said was useless.
As for the good stuff, I like how oblivious and care free Ron was at the very beginning, you capture the essence of Ron there. You can tell from the second book that he isn't a big fan of Valentine's Day! You captured that well, whilst still managing to infuriate Hermione!
You may be glad to know that I have finished my review. Please don't take the criticism the wrong way, I don't coat my words as liberally with sugar as some people do. Just because I didn't like it doesn't mean others wouldn't. I haven't read your other reviews yet, but I'll bet they are very positive.
Keep working on it, I hope to see more of your writing around some day :)Author's Response: **looks at the length of the review and gives a big smile!**
i have made quite a few mistakes and my grammer is also not the best, since english is my second language, and am very glad you pointed out my mistakes. i would have never realised them. i will change them as soon as possible.
thank you! i definatly din't take your criticism wrong, infact, i am glad you advised me. it will help me improve my story.
once again, i'd like to say a big thanks to you for the really nice review! thank you!!! :D Report Review
Hmm, I wonder what could come next? A job entailing seeing ghosts maybe :P I'm just messing with you.
Anyhoo that was another pretty good chapter. It suddenly occured to me after I left you the first review that all wizards could see ghosts anyway. So I was ready to come and point out a possible flaw in the whole proceedings and wondering whether to hold my tongue when you hit the nail on the head. I'm so happy that you're not oblivious to the Harry Potter ghosts! *wipes brow*
Anyway, yes, I am looking forward to the next chapter, because to put it simply the first two are good.Author's Response: Yeah, it was one of the first things that came to me when I had this idea. I was all excited, and then I said, "Oh." Thankfully I wrote it anyway, because I'm really enjoying writing this. Report Review
What an intrigueing plot, I have never stumbled across something like this before.
I think that you have written it very well indeed, specially considering that you wrote this for NaNoWriMo, which can get very random indeed by the sounds of thinks. Though I assume that you may have been through and tweaked and edited. I am not a huge fan of first person narrative, because I think that it gives more room for the writer to get increasingly out of character, however I think you managed to slip into the mind set of a five year old extremely well, so should in theory stay in character well.
So yes, in general I liked it a lot and am interested to see what this leads to. It is one of the stories that you really cannot fully anticipate as to what this gift means to the plot, or indeed the magical community.Author's Response: You'll have to thank my dear Beta, Caroline, for that! I've written both first and third person, and I think I'm starting to like first person pov the best.
Yay! The five year old part was what I worried about the most, since it's been a long time since I was five, and I don't know many five year olds. I just remembered a few things here and there.
Thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate it! Report Review
So an abusive partner, one of the things I predicted would happen, twinned with falling for a colleague, something I also saw coming. Which isn't a bad thing at all, romances are always predictable :)
I much prefered this chapter to your last one, it explains a lot more, it isn't too rushed. Though the change in demeanour of Noelle is pretty sudden and not something I was expecting just yet. Sh eis obviously very ignorant of her situation, saying that Seamus should leave Lavendar, but saying that she can't leave her partner. It kind of adds to the intrigue of her frail and feeble character, she is someone you can symathise with, yet roll your eyes at, at the same time!
In general I found this chapter a lot more interesting, despite it being predictable, you also have a nice healthy balance of dialogue and description. I still think that Noelle could use a little character developing, then again, nearly all characters can, however much they are developed! :)
Nice job, well done.Author's Response:
Thank you very much for your advice. (: I'll be sure to take it. Report Review
To be brutally honest, there is very little to comment on, yet I promised a review and review I will!
I didn't see anything wrong with your fic spelling wise, and my limited knowledge of grammar found no faults. Your fragile OC, Noelle, I find to be rather intrigueing. What I didn't like about this chapter is how you cut it so short. When she walked into his office I was expecting a sort of brief glimpse into what was in the story, as a prologue does, however she cuts it so short she may not have turned up and Seamus, her boss, just allows that? It simply doesn't seem realistic to me, that's all.
I shall read your next chapter, perhaps that will give me more of an insight into your plot in mind.Author's Response:
Seamus isn't her boss, first off. He's someone a bit higher than her in the department that their boss has asked to train her. He didn't really have the authority to tell her not to leave. Thank you so much for the review. (: Report Review
You may have already picked up that I am frank about what I say. I saw this coming a mile away. I have seen this sort of thing done many times in different circumstances, which does not of course mean that it is a bad thing. I generally see it in Dramiones and James/Lilys. So you could definitely do something original with this, I'm certainly not judging it yet.
You still put 'perfects' instead of 'Prefects' a few times, and Prefect is capitalized. But not as frequently as in the last chapter. There were also fewer spelling mistakes in this one, but I'm no grammar Queen, so picked up on nothing else in that department at all.
I may have mentioned before that a drama Queen who paints a lot can quickly turn into a Mary-Sue, so I think it would be in your best interests to keep her different traits in mind, I don't think she is one thus far, but she could become one. She certainly has her flaws, to conteract the drama and traits!
That is basically all I have to say. Th writing quality has improved in this one I think. The combat boots confuse me somewhat, fashionable? Sarcasm? I'm hoping it's sarcasm, because I can't stand the fashion world! *cheers for Riley* So yeah, good job, keep on writing. Report Review
Yes I am going to nitpick again, because I do that, and I am extremely fond of Charlie. One of my favoured Weasleys.
So the bad, I found some spelling mistakes and mix up of wording dotted here and there. I think that the most common one was 'perfect' when you obviously meant 'Prefect', an extremely easy one to do all of the time. Besides them, what irked me was how Bill seemed to notice everything, and wonder about things. I know guys well, they aren't majorly observant, and in general if they are not told outright, they barely ever wonder. Letters and summer holidays wouldn't matter to a guy, they would just be stuck in the present or looking forward to the next Quidditch match. So yeah that irked me.
And onto the good stuff, I like the new characters in here, they don't seem to be Gary-Stu's and at least one of them (I can't remember which) is an extremely stereotypical guy, which I don't think we see enough of in fanfiction! Your average guy does not have a secret diary, sketchpad, or fondness of poetry. Average guys, like food, like girls, like sport, hate homework. Very simple!
And I'm waffling, once again, not a bad chapter at all. Report Review
I am going to be blatantly honest, I am not liking the character Riley so far, from what I have seen she could turn into a Mary-Sue. So far she hasn't, and I haven't read that much yet, so please neither of you despair, it's probably me being over analytical.
Her whole situation with her family has confused me slightly, however I put that down to my brain still waking up. I wrote a review before this that I didn't submit because I was confused as to whether her parents were pureblood or muggleborn, I have a feeling that it was the latter. I am also assuming that her and her brother are adopted or living with relatives or something that Riley does not necessarily approve of, whether it be them or views or something. I guess I will just have to wait and see, shan't I?
It also puzzled me momentarily why Dumbledore would be at her hearing? I always assumed that someone less important may turn up with other students, Harry always was a special case and Dumbledore basically paved the path before his feet! Although having her portrayed as such a troubled student would kind of explain that, how such a troubled student wouldn't be expelled completely confuses me, but then again, I guess that wouldn't make such an interesting story! What really irked me is that they put her in the cuffs in one of the high security court rooms, Arthur didn't think that they were in use any more when he had to take Harry there, so why would they take a mere student?
Ignore my ramblings, perhaps I am just way too picky. Despite my bone picking I thought it was a reasonably good chapter, it gives a good sense of her backstory. Report Review
Ooh, the drama, ooh, the supsense. It's what balls and dead snakes were made for :P
Another chapter I loved, I really am envious of your writing style, ever since reading the start of this as with all good stories, I have avoided my own page! I think in this chapter you got the language used by the upper classmen absolutely perfect, you even carry it over into the narrative, which keeps the sense of dignity there.
You have still maintained a good balance of description and dialogue, which is one of the things that I eny about this fic! Ypu use your dialogue well.
Plot wise, still liking it, I get the feeling that I roughly know what is going to happen next, because I have read the books, however there may be a slight twist in the tale, right or wrong I have no idea. Once I have finished my other promised reviews, then I am certainly going to come and find out.Author's Response: Hahahaha balls and dead snakes ... what a great name for the next chapter! :D Wow, thank you for the compliment, I'm so excited that you're liking my story! :) Thank goodness I have the dialogue right, it's really difficult to stay in that British-country-squire language and then snap back to everyday life in America and saying stuff like dude or cool. (I love it though!!)
Hahaha well good! Keep guessing and see if you turn out to be right. We all know what happens because of the books, but as I've said before, this story is exploring how it comes to that end. How does Merope end up abandoned in an orphanage? What happens to Tom between the time that he leaves her and the time his son returns to kill him? How do Bethe and the locket play into the story? And what's Marvolo's past got to do with all this?
Just wanted to say thank you for all of your lovely reviews! :) I know you don't have a lot of time, so it means a lot to me that you took time out to give me such meaningful feedback. It makes me happy to know that you've enjoyed my work. :D Happy holidays! Report Review
Another brilliantly written chapter.
I like the pace that you are moving at, I tend to dawdle in my fics, because I like writing a lot of general useless stuff, however you are most definitely moving along very nicely with this at a good pace.
I actually have something that has bothered me however in this chapter *gasp*. It really irked me that Merope learnt everything so fast, it is the trait of a gifted magical person, or a Mary-Sue, you have not written her as a Mary-Sue, I assure you, however Merope is not a talented witch. Obviously this may not bother you at all, her learning obviously affects your plot, it is just the time in which she takes to learn. Just one of those little annoyances, nothing major. I just thought I would bring it to light.
Apart from that I really enjoyed it, I think that you have your characters wonderfully written and the times in which they were set. To be very honest the Christmas scene seemed a little cheesy to me, but it gives across the message that is needed, and the world through the eyes of a two year old is very different to normal perception. Very few people can actually remember that far back anyway!
So yes, I enjoyed it very much and I do love the chapter images that you have on yours. Do you make them yourself? I am assuming that you do. I keep nagging myself for my own chapter images, but I am way too lazy!Author's Response: Hi again!
Thanks for being so honest with me. I agree with you that Merope learned to read a bit fast, but I beg to differ when you say she's not a talented witch. Her bloodline is from Salazar Slytherin who was a strong wizard himself, and let me say that not all of his descendants are crazy and stupid. ;) I think basically she just has a lot of potential for magic as well as intelligence, but it has been suppressed by her abusive father for years and years.
I'm sorry you thought the Christmas scene was cheesy, I wanted it to come across as a beautiful and moving memory of a time when they were happy. It's seen through the eyes of Merope when she was very young, and it's a stark contrast to the bitter life they have led ever since - exactly, you said it there, having a child see the scene is different from adult interpretation.
Thanks for this review, it was helpful and I'm glad you gave me some forthcoming feedback, I appreciate that! :) To answer your question, yes I do make my own chapter images and they're definitely not Rembrandts as I'm kind of graphically challenged and just recently messing around with Photoplus. :D It's fun to do!
I'm glad you're enjoying the story. :) Report Review
I am loving the character Bethe, I read about healers and herbology lovers a lot outside the realms of Harry Potter fanfiction and they nearly always end up being the most interesting character. I thought that this chapter was a really great introduction of her, particularly in the village. That part of the chapter really does give a good image of what the village was like and what attitudes differenet people have towards one another.
To be very frank. I loved it, this story is most definitely going on my favourites list now! :)Author's Response: Oh you're wonderful! Thank you! :) I love my Bethe too. I studied science in college and I've always been interested in medicine, and I think herbal medicine is amazing. So I incorporated that into Bethe, and also I love strong, smart female characters.
I'm really happy that you liked the description of the village too! When I write a story, I give it my all and do all of the possible research that I can. I like to create the world around my characters, because that makes for more believable plots I think. It's easier when the reader can step into the world and see what it's like. So anyway thank you very, very much and I'm so flattered that you're favoriting!! :D I appreciate the review a lot! Report Review
Firstly, Merope is always a character that has interested me, though she isn't someone I have read about in fanfiction. At least I don't think I have?
To ber very honest I don't have that much to comment on really apart from I thought it was good. I particularly liked the bit when Tom and Cecilia passed the window, I could imagine them talking somewhat posh and all 'lad di dah', if you get what I'm getting at! Though when you mentioned the word 'git' it kind of shattered that image for me, not really sure why.
So yeah, basically I really liked it. Merope is a character with a very basic explanation of, therefore very interesting! I promise to review at least a couple more chapters, just not right now!Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you so much for coming by. :) That's okay, I'm glad you thought it was good! I've gone back and edited it many times so I think I've cleared out most of the kinks, there isn't much there to talk about spelling or grammar wise I hope. Oh good, that's how I imagine Tom and Cecilia to be too - at least from Merope's point of view. We'll see what is really going on in the future.
Great I appreciate your review! Don't worry if you don't have much time, but I hope you'll come back someday and revisit the story if you're interested in Merope! :) Thanks a lot. Report Review
Could I please suggest something? Is there a way in which you could somehow break your longer chapters up? I mean, I have tried and tried and tried again to read this chapter, but I need to go away for whatever reason and when I come back I can never find where I left off! I honestly think that other people are in the same position and you would get a greater amount of interest if you did break it up. Even if it just meant putting in some more page breaks or something. I have finally managed to read it (of sorts, I may have missed bits out). And once again I love your writing, so awesomely brilliant.
I just wish that it was easier to read in length, in a book it is fine because you can mark your page with a bookmark when you have to walk away, it isn't so easy with this. I notice that your next chapter is shorter, so perhaps I may remember more things to comment on!
Brilliance.Author's Response: Thanks for the review and suggestion! This story my first attempt at writing, so it helps to have your feedback. The chapters are very long. I'm coping with my limited computer skills involving editing; there were some lines/punctuation which were supposed to help break up the last chapter, in particular, and somehow they didn't make it from my original copy to the posted story. The moderators have been very helpful and patient--I may need to impose upon them yet again if I can't do a bit of correction/revising solo. Again, thanks for the feedback! Report Review
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