This chapter did a good job of fleshing out the interesting character you hinted at in the very beginning. I would have liked a bit more on the effects of her attack, though - how angry she is, at whom, how she feels about her alien emotions. I look forward to seeing what she does next.
Always remember to use your adverbs sparingly. You don't always need a descriptor for the reader to get the idea.
Great job!Author's Response: You'll hear later about her emotions-- which is why I didn't want to go into detail too much. ^^ We'll see if it works out. lol.
And thanks for the critique! I just got a beta for my story, so I'm going to start to do some hard core editing soon, which should help.
Thanks again! Report Review
I enjoyed this very much, and you definitely have talent as a writer. The imagery was tangible and well-used as well as the symbolism.
That said, the first thing I noticed was adjective/description/image overload. Don't be afraid to cut the fat. Economy of words makes the ones you do choose all the more powerful.
I understand how this story could apply to both Black sisters, but other than that it doesn't ever forge a strong link to the Potterverse. If, perhaps, you had included details about Bellatrix and the two sisters contrast their situation with hers, the story would have been a little meatier and more grounded in JKR's world.
You have great potential. Keep on writing =)Author's Response: Thank you so much! ^_^
Sorry about the adjective/description overload. I really was not paying much attention to that when I wrote it, but looking back...I think you're right.
You make a fair point about keeping it more grounded in JKR's world, but this piece was very experimental for me. Most of the things I write are very, very grounded in her world, so I wanted to write something that was only loosely based there.
Thank you again for the review! Report Review
Hmmm...an intriguing way to start. You whetted my appetite right away with a very accomplished and amusing passage from the pen of Rita Skeeter, and you have her voice pitch-perfect. Just the kind of sensationalist dreck the Prophet loves.
Your depiction of the post-war wizarding world is, I think, accurate. Everyone seems delighted to get back to their boring old lives. People are rather silly like that.
I like the little taste you gave us of Ravenna's personality, with the description of her photo in the Prophet. She seems like an interesting character that I'd like to get to know.
Keep on writing!Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading! ^^ It means a lot, really. I'm glad you enjoyed it! :) Report Review
Awww, this was so sad. The emotions were very real and tangible, and every character is on target. Good job! Report Review
This was wonderful. Short but sweet, and very in-character. We all know Slytherins will do anything to get what (or who) they want, and Salazar is in keeping with that. So romantic! Author's Response: Aw, thank you. :)
I appreciate that feedback.
I'm glad you liked it, and thank you very much for taking some time to leave some love.
xx Report Review
This was great! It had a brisk, fun, Austenian feel to it, which I'm sure you were going for. I like how you haven't shoved Astoria and Draco together just yet, but are dancing (literally) around it. Plus, you added the post-war Pureblood sensibility (ha) to the plot effortlessly.
My only warning is that you should make Astoria as much of a Slytherin as possible. I'm glad that you seem to be going in that direction, but I don't want this to turn into another I'm-a-Pureblood-but-I'm-not-racist fic. Try to make her fit the Slytherin profile: cunning, manipulative, resourceful. HPFF needs more interesting, flawed heroes, especially from my own House, Slytherin. Other than that, great job! Looking forward to the next chapter. Author's Response: As a first, thanks for warning me. I know I've had some issues with making Slytherins Slytherin-ish, but I will try my best and always keep in mind your words. And yes, that was the feeling I was going for, I'm happy you felt that. Overall, thanks so much for this lovely review! Report Review
I loved this! It was a perfect encapsulation of a moment, a life and a love. It could just as easily have been a non-fanfic, though, with the subtraction of the few HP references. Which is a good thing; the best stories are universal. Very romantic in a simultaneously humble and epic scale. Author's Response: *is speechless* Thank you very much for this heartwarming review. It made my day! Report Review
Aww! This was such a poignant and heartwarming story. It really spoke to sister relationships, especially with the added dimension of all the time that's passed since their original fight. I also admired the whimsical, fairy tale-eqsue prose; it was very appropriate to a holiday story, as Christmas is the time of year when stories and family tend to interweave. Looking forward to reading more of your work ;)Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing!! It made me happy ^_^ Report Review
Your integration of mystery and drama was pretty seamless in this chapter, and you easily went from a more romantic scene right into the main plot. Plus, the Dumbledore-McGonagall-Grimm trio is the new Team Awesome.Author's Response: Oh, it was smooth? That's awesome to hear! I was worried about how the plot and sub-plot would work together, as I've never done a story quite in this way before and plots are generally difficult for me to maintain. So thank you very much for this - it really means a lot! ^_^
Team Awesome, haha! Love that. :P Report Review
I love their conversations! You seem to really rev up when they talk, because their dialogue is great and a pleasure to read. Everything about their relationship is right there, hidden beneath layers of their own stubborn awkwardness. Love!Author's Response: Yes, I really do love writing the dialogue between the two of them. For some reason, their characters come alive best in my head at those times. They're too perfect together. :P
Thank you very much! ^_^ Report Review
Acene to portray all the shifting and inlocking relationships the characters have. Plus, the image of a delirious Grimm watching Minerva and Tom dance was delicious. =)Author's Response: Haha, that was an evil trick to play on poor Grimm. It serves him right to be a jealous for a little while, though. ;) Thank you again for taking the time to review! Report Review
I liked how much this chapter focused on them reading each other's faces and body language. It was realistic, because when you're trying to know what someone's thinking, particularly when love is involved, you attempt to glean clues from the tiniest of details. Another great one ;)Author's Response: Thank you! =D It's great that you liked how they were trying to read one another. Not only is it interesting in regard to their "romance", but it also foreshadows the detective work Grimm will get into, and how he will try to read other characters (and likely fail, we'll see). :) Report Review
I like how you began to introduce Tom Riddle with just a hint of ominousness for the later plot (I hope). As for Grimm and Umbridge - euch. Don't want to imagine. And, of course, the almost-makeout between Grimm and Minerva was hot. My only question is why everyone cares so much about them together? Is it just because everyone knows who they are as Heads?Author's Response: Riddle and Umbridge, what delightful people to know at school! :P They're really interesting to write, both amusing and disturbing at the same time. I'm glad that you find RIddle ominous and Umbridge gross. :D
The reason I had for Grimm and Minerva being together is that they are both Heads, and in spending so much time in one another's presence, something is bound to happen. I think that other students also notice the tension between them and enjoy it too much. ;) I hope that helps answer your question a bit.
Thank you again for the wonderful reviews! I really appreciate hearing from you. ^_^ Report Review
I liked this chapter a lot better than the last better. I think once the story moved back to Hogwarts, you kind of got your groove back, so to speak. I liked how Rose has to face the realization by the end of the chapter how much Scorpius' opinion matters to her. A few misspellings and awkward sentences strewn about, but they are easily fixable. Good job!Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! Okay, I'll make sure to check it out as soon as possible. Thanks for pointing it out and for reviewing! Report Review
I liked how this chapter had all the family interactions between the generation we know and the next one. It all felt very true. But there were a lot of awkward sentences, and sometimes Rose's voice seemed off. She seems a little childlike and immature at some points, and sometimes her thoughts are overly wordy. But since you wrote this some time ago, I'm sure this criticism has already been addressed in your more recent writing.Author's Response: Really? Hmm... I've always felt that Rose came across as more (or too) mature, but perhaps that's just me. In any case, thank you. I appreciate the honesty! Report Review
A sweet start to what looks like a very satisfying story. I love the instant chemistry between them, Rose's self-consciousness and self-effacing nature. I could really hear her voice, which is an accomplishment, because she's basically a canon OC. On to next chapter!Author's Response: Thank you very much! Report Review
Very cute, and true to your characters' hearts. You've bound them together very well, imbuing the story with a sense of Minerva and Grimm's inevitable collision.Author's Response: Thank you very much! =D I'm really glad that the two of them suit one another that well. Report Review
Ooh, chemistry! I love how well you set up not only Grimm's character and the dynamic relationship between Minerva and Grimm, but how honestly you portrayed young love. It's confusing, it's frustrating, and they both seem to catch each other off-balance every time.Author's Response: Yay, thank you! ^_^ It's great that the relationship growing between them seems so realistic. They're good at catching one another off-guard, making for a lot of awkward moments, haha. Report Review
A good beginning. You established the madness of the killer(s) and the tragedy of Rose's death pretty well. Scorpius is properly mysterious, as he should be, and McGonagall's voice is very on target. Nice job! Can't wait to read more.Author's Response: thanks so much!! Report Review
Aw, this was so cute! Your characterizations of Helga and Salazar were true to HP but also original to you. I could really see the setting, too, thanks to your descriptions. Great job!Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you thought I got the characters right; that's always what I'm worried about most! Report Review
Hey! Sorry I didn't get to reading this for, erm, months. Life caught up with me.
A strong beginning, with nice sensory descriptive details and cute moments between the characters (Andromeda and Ted in the closet was adorable!). It's obvious that you genuinely like the characters and are out to make them likable to your readers.
However, I think this needs a little beefing up. Some of the sentences are awkward, and you sometimes fall into the trap of describing characters based on eye/hair color in simple terms. Be creative! Unconventional similes and metaphors are one small victory for the English language. To make your characters have more depth, concentrate more on feelings and personalities rather than simply what a character looks like.
Also, a note on Andromeda's character. I hope you go on to show in subsequent chapters that she is, in fact, a true Slytherin in some aspects of her personality. The Sorting Hat doesn't make mistakes, and Andromeda would be a more interesting character if she had strong relationships with Gryffindors while still being a real Slytherin.Author's Response: No worries! I'm glad you returned ^^ First off, to my defence (=p), I did write this two years ago -- I think I found it easier at the time to describe her appearance than her feelings... I can't tell why I'd think that. I've tried to give her more depth as the story went on, but it's hard to tell if I managed, since I haven't read the older chapters in a while =) As for her character and Slytherin traits: I honestly didn't think much of it as I wrote her. I had her picture - character - vivid in my head, but she didn't have so many Slytherin characteristics and I think I looked past it a bit during the progress. Yes, definitely a mistake on my part. I'm thinking on rewriting the first couple of chapters, but since I just finished it, I think I'll wait a while. Either way, I hope you'll come to like it all the same. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Ooh, sounds exciting. Though short, this introductory chapter provides a tantalizing teaser for the rest of the story. Just one minor spelling error, which I'm sure you'll get if you look it over. Great job! Can't wait to read more.Author's Response: Gahhhhh
Typos are the bane of my existenceee.....
Thanks for the review, darlin. Report Review
An unconventional pairing, to say the least. Good thing I love unconventional pairings!
I loved how visual the story was. Everything was very sensory, and that emphasized the kind of hold Tom has over Minerva. The imagery you mentioned was striking and appropriate. It is easy to go overboard with the decadence of your own descriptions, though, so be careful.
I loved the line "For what emotion could a man without a soul express?" It completely summed up what Tom has lost in order to become so powerful, and highlighted his personal tragedy: he'll never know what he's missing, or know why he regrets Minerva. Great job! Looking forward to seeing more of this pairing from you.Author's Response: Unconventional is fun to write. :P If only just to see people's reactions to it, haha. Oh wow! Thank you for that wonderful compliment on the imagery I used. ^_^ The sensory component of this story, especially of senses other than sight, is very significant. The sensory aspect plays with Minerva's mind because one can never be sure if Tom's feeding her these feelings. It was really interesting to do, since usually I just stick with the sense of sight. Thanks again for reading and reviewing, Magic_Marker! I really appreciate hearing from you. =D Report Review
Wow. I loved how powerful that was, using so few words. I hate word-wasting yarns, but every word you used here contributed to your purpose and it was great!
Interesting that Severus desperately wished Harry was his child. Never thought of it that way before, but it cast a definite shade of tragedy and sadness over the story, which I liked. A great clincher ending, too. Nice job! =)Author's Response: That premise about the Snape-Harry relationship I guess came unconsciously from the Serevitus (sp?) challenge, but it also fit with the series if one thought deep enough (or perhaps too deeply :P). If Snape was as devoted to Lily as DH set him up to be, it seemed slightly reasonable to assume that he felt some sort of connection to Harry outside of still hating James. It's very sad to think about, with Snape longing for all the things he couldn't have. Thank you very much for reviewing! It's great to read and receive your reviews. ^_^ Report Review
I really liked the dance sequence. For Hermione to finally let go and dance her heart out is cathartic for the reader. I love your Lucius! He's really on-target. This Gustave person is well thought out as well; very vile. Good job! Can't wait for updates!Author's Response: Take the joy where you can get it; things get darker from here on in. Maybe some characters are in danger.. some characters people have yet to think of. ^_- Report Review
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