Reading Reviews From Member: DracoFerret11
1,091 Reviews Found

Review #1, by DracoFerret11Keep Calm and Carry On: A Guide to Keeping Calm and Coffee Stains

23rd August 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the BvB (and because I really want to read your stories)! So, let's go over things:

Plot: Well! I have to say that I've never read a story like this! I don't read a lot of Next Gen, to be honest, but this caught my eye, and I'm glad I opened it up! I've never read a story about Lorcan, so you'll be crafting my whole perception of him--no pressure! ;) I think the premise here is great! The idea of a political campaign's speechwriter, especially a magical one, is interesting to consider. The speechwriters really craft the politician's tone, so it will be fun to see how Lorcan does that.

Characterization: I think you write these characters so well! I really have a good idea of Lily and Lorcan's personalities, as well as Helen Branson's. The team also functions really well together and is very funny. I like that they're all so exasperated by Helen. It made me laugh. :) And she's so energetic and excited about her campaign, but she also seems self-aware in a way--she knows that her staff isn't as pumped about the election as she is, haha.

Descriptions: I think the only "constructive criticism" I could offer (if any!) would be that I don't have a very clear idea of how the different characters look/how old they are/etc. There are quite a few people on the team, but I can't particularly distinguish between them. You did, however, do a great job describing the office! I could really see the clutter and confusion there. Great job with that. :)

Style: Finally, I just want to compliment your writing style. It's very clean--no errors!--and crisp. I love the voice you've given Lorcan. I can really get a great idea of his personality and thoughts from how you write him, and I'm excited to follow his story. :)

Overall, I think this is a great first chapter! I'll read on soon! Thanks again for all the rat races!

--Emily || August BvB, Team Bronze

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the wonderful review Emily! You're too kind. And the racing has helped motivate me so much on these chapters as well! Go us. Hopefully we'll be able to fit in a few now that you're back at work and I have school.

Haha I haven't read much Lorcan either so I'm making it up as I go a bit. I love Luna's character so I'm a little scared to write her and not do her justice, but hopefully it'll work out! Lorcan definitely has an important job, even if he's kinda been thrown into it because there aren't many other people interested in it. I'm excited/overwhelmed about the freedom that comes with such uncharted territory for this fic, in both the character and premise. Hopefully it works out well.

I'm glad you feel like you already know some of the characters! Helen's one of my favorite characters actually so I'm glad you think her personality is shining through. :) They're definitely all exasperated and will definitely be growing more and more exasperated as the campaign goes on! Not to mention just straight up tired and overwhelmed...

I totally agree about the descriptions. That's something I struggle with in general with my stories, and this story has been hard for me to work it in because I don't write 1st person POV very much. I'm sure I'm going to revise the early chapters as I write more so I'll try to keep this in mind! Thanks for letting me know about that.

Ahh it's so exciting that you like the style/Lorcan's voice! His personality is very connected to the style of the story so it's fun to flesh it out.

I hope you continue enjoying the story if you get a chance to read on! Thank you again for the races too! :)


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Review #2, by DracoFerret11Shenanigans, Capers, and Hi-Jinks: Wasted Research

15th August 2015:
Hi Branwen! Me again, here to review for the BvB, as well as my love of this story! So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I only noticed one stand-out error. Towards the end you have, "Why don't you go tell talk to them about it?" where you'll need to choose between "tell them" and "talk to them." :)

Plot: Another lovely chapter of this story! I feel like I've gotten really bad about including constructive criticism, since I'm so fond of your writing style and story. I literally never see things that I want to ask you to improve on! It's awful. I'm sorry I'm so useless. But anyhow! This was another great chapter. I like that you've drawn out the mystery of the comb. I'm so interested to see what it is and what's going to happen, but I like that you didn't just give us that information right away. The search will make it so much better when we finally find out!

Characterization: As always, your Victoire is fabulous. I never thought I would read a Next Gen story that I liked this much at ALL, let alone one that featured Vic as the main character. For some reason I always thought people wrote her as stuck up or rude, but you've taken such an original route in constructing her as a character, and I love that. I think she's unique and interesting to read, and I love the positive relationships she has with other women. It's so subtle (way better than I can do), but so great. You really get her interactions down pat when it comes to how she talks to each of her friends, as well as Fred. I'm really excited to read on.

Emotions: I guess if I had any CC for this chapter, it would be that neither Fred nor Vic seem all that upset about what the comb could mean. I get some of their curiosity coming through, but I don't seem much distress. I feel like I'd be doing everything to get rid of the thing, just in case. Or at least worrying that something awful was going to happen. So I wonder just why neither of them seems particularly worried.

Overall, this was a great chapter. I really enjoy reading this story, and I think you're doing your characters real justice. Great job, as always, and I'll read on when you write more.

--Emily/DarkRose || August BvB, Team Bronze

P.S. - This is going in my Favorites now. :)

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Review #3, by DracoFerret11So Cruel: Look Not in My Eyes

15th August 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the BvB! So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I think I only saw one error! You wrote "was as anywhere near as important." I think that first "as" is unnecessary.

Plot: Okay! So this was a really great way to introduce the story! I was definitely reading wanting to know more! By the end I was like, "but wait...what did he do?!" So well done in grabbing readers' attention! I think your choice of Lucy as the main character is interesting. I don't read much Next Gen, but from what I've seen, she isn't a common choice for MC, so this is cool. I'm also fond of the fact that she has a friend who's a lesbian! Yay representation for LGBTQA people! :) Plot-wise, this is a good intro, and I think you've set yourself up well for the story.

Characterization: I think it's interesting that Lucy thinks back on her experience with Roderick and thinks she would have been better never dating him at all. I mean, I know I've had some awful boyfriends, but I've learned something from all of them, so I wouldn't TOTALLY want to change my experiences. So I think that's intriguing. What could he have done that would have made her feel that way? Hmmm.

Emotions: I think I would have liked to see more of exactly how Lucy is feeling. I get that she's mad at Roderick, but I thought I would also see some sadness or frustration, and those didn't come through as much. A breakup brings up all sorts of emotions. I would encourage you not to shy away from any of those.

Descriptions/Style: I think that this reads a lot like a prologue, so I didn't mind too much that there weren't a lot of details. In the rest of the story, though, don't forget about sensory things like how things look, sound, smell, feel, etc. :)

Overall, I think you set yourself up well. Not too much happens, but you have a foundation to build the rest of the story on. Good job.

--Emily || August BvB, Team Bronze

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Review #4, by DracoFerret11Death would be Bliss: Death would be Bliss

15th August 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the BvB! So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I noticed several distracting errors in this chapter, so I figured I would help you by pointing them out! :)
--"place I am yet do not know": This is confusing. I don't really know what you mean.
--"Am I the blond boy six eating cake": Do you mean "the blond boy, six, eating cake"?
--"Why is there always voices": should be "are," not "is"
--"Why must they never be quite?": should be "quiet"
--"The sparks growing dimmer": should either be "spark's" or "spark is"

There might be others, but those are the ones I saw off the bat. I hope this helps! :)

Plot: So, I'm a little confused here. I read this thinking that it was from Sirius's point of view (since I didn't imagine that dementors could feel regret or sadness), but at the end it implied that it was supposed to be from a dementor's point of view. I think the story is cool either way, but there could be some places where you could clarify who is speaking. Reading the parts where the speaker thought things like "Am I the boy? Am I the woman?" made it seem like the dementor didn't know it was a dementor which was confusing. Either way, though, I think this was a really original story! Good job!

Emotions: I think you did a good job of capturing the discomfort and sadness and confusion that the speaker felt. It was really poignant with the subject matter. Well done.

Overall, this was a really cool story! I think it was really unique, and I liked reading it. Despite the fact that it was short, I think you did a good job capturing the emotions of the situation, and I enjoyed that! Well done!

--Emily || August BvB, Team Bronze

Author's Response: Thanks for the tips, Emily! Sorry that you read it before my editing, hopefully it's clearer now.

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Review #5, by DracoFerret11Upon the Edge: Upon the Edge

13th August 2015:
Hello, Laura! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the BvB! So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: The only error I noticed was when you wrote "because we used to be friend when we were younger" instead of "friends." But other than that, the story is really clean!

Plot: I really liked this story! I don't read a lot of Marauders things, but I thought this was really sweet. I like platonic stories, and I don't think there are a lot of them out there. So it was pleasant to read about a friendship, rather than a romance. I think the premise of the story is solid--we know that Lily's parents had died before Harry was born--and I think you executed this scenario well.

Characterization: I really like that you showed a softer side of Lily. I try to avoid reading about her yelling all the time. So it was nice to see a more vulnerable moment in her life and how she responded to her situation. I also think you did Sirius justice. We know he couldn't have just been some sort of player who didn't care about anyone--he had friends and was loyal and kind too--so it was nice to see that play out. Good job!

Emotions: You really gained a lot of empathy for Lily's situation in the way you wrote this. You did her grief justice, which isn't always an easy thing to do. But I felt that her sorrow was realistic, and I think you wrote it very well.

Descriptions/Style: I absolutely loved the way you wrote the details in this story, especially at the beginning. You description of the grounds at sunset was so lovely. I could see it all and feel the breeze, and it was really impressive. I think you did such a good job. Rarely do I see details written that well. Congratulations.

Overall, this was really great. I enjoyed reading it a lot, and I think you wrote it very well. Thanks for the good read!

--Emily || August BvB, Team Bronze

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Review #6, by DracoFerret11Faith, Trust, and Crystal Balls: Step One

11th August 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the BvB! So, let's go over things:

Plot: First of all, I want to say that it's so cool of you to tackle writing a story about Sybil! That's so unique, and I love that you're trying it. I'll probably come back and read the other chapters when you've posted them. :) This first chapter was a great start. I loved the idea of Sybil subtly lying to her parents so she could go pursue her dreams. I wonder how she saved up SO much money to buy the shop! Wizarding money is so strange since galleons are worth 493 knuts, etc. It's hard to figure out how much something like a shop would cost...but I don't think that's a huge deal. I liked how you set the scene and began explaining the changes she made to her new place. This was a great way to get readers into the story.

Characterization: I think you did a good job characterizing Sybil. She's not the paranoid drunk we see in the books, so we have a chance to consider just HOW she got there. So it's fun to read about her! I'm interested to see how things go for her (even though I'm sure not everything will go well), and I think you've done a good job writing her as a character that readers can invest in.

Emotions: I think there are some places where you could write more about how Sybil feels about things. We know she wants to set out on her own, but is she nervous about that? One in Nottingham, does she miss her parents? Is she excited? Lonely? Scared? Peppering things like that through the chapter will make Sybil seem more realistic, I think.

Descriptions: I liked the details you provided about what Sybil's shop looks like! I can imagine that, and it seems so cute! I couldn't picture the characters as well, though, and there are other senses to employ too! What do thinks sound like, smell like, feel like, etc.? Those things really bring a story to life. :)

Overall, I liked this chapter! I think you did a good job beginning this story, and I'll most likely come back to see where it goes. Good job!

--Emily || August BvB, Team Bronze

Author's Response: Hi Emily! Apologies for this super late response.

But anywho, thanks so much for stopping by and reviewing this! To be honest, I didn't exactly know how this was going to turn out when I first got the prompt from Pixelanin nor how I truly wanted to write Sybill or just how the story was going to at all.

The 1960s was a time of rebellion in the US, so why not subtly hint at that with Sybill and her parents? ;) I decided not to make her be the paranoid drunk yet because she is only 17/18 in this story, so her drinking habits wouldn't be quite as horrible as is known in canon. I wanted to give her something good for the beginning of her adult life. I'm leaning towards leaving the end of this story open so readers can determine how Sybill got to be the way she is in canon from this determined, shop-owning fortune teller girl!

Thanks again for the lovely review :)
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #7, by DracoFerret11Shenanigans, Capers, and Hi-Jinks: The Forbidden Forest

11th August 2015:
Hi Branwen! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the BvB! (Also, of course, to review because I love this story.) So, let's go over things:

Plot: AHHH! Okay, let's talk about the calm parts before I get all spazzy. First off, good job with the characterization of Vic, Fred, and Micah at the beginning. I thought Micah's hesitation was really good. (Also, did I catch that his parents are lesbians? -- as much of a deterrent that his mothers clearly wished they were -- If so, lovely! If not, you wrote "mothers," plural. ;) ) Now, on to the craziness! OH MY GOSH! I was so nervous when they were creeping around the forest. And the banshee! Such fantastic descriptions. I could practically see her. She was so ridiculously eerie. Great job! As for how Vic got the comb back...I don't know! Maybe the banshee just teleported it back in there, I suppose. But what does it mean?! No one is going to die, right? I feel like so many people died while Harry was at school; Hogwarts doesn't need that crap a whole generation later! AHH!

Characterization: Again, great characterization. I was in Vic's boat -- a little disappointed that Fred was being such a spoil sport. But I also know I would totally have been him in that situation. Or, moreover, I would have bolted out of there and abandoned my cousin. But I think you wrote Vic really well. She's such an awesome character. I love her.

Emotions: So creepy. So totally creepy. And you captured that so well. You didn't shirk away from the weirdness of the Dark Forest or their situation, which I like. And I bought Vic's curiosity at the banshee, rather than fear. I think you earned that reaction from what you've written before now. So...good job!

Overall, this was such a crazy awesome chapter. I can't wait to read more. You're making me a fan of Next Gen! No! ;) Lovely writing, as always.

--Emily || August BvB, Team Bronze

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Review #8, by DracoFerret11Bad Blood: (don't) forgive and forget

11th August 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the BvB! So, let's go over things:

Great Lines: I don't include this section unless something really struck me, and you had a line that did! I loved when Lily said, "my silence does not mean yes, my silence does not mean that I forgive you." That's so fantastic and strong-willed and awesome. I loved it.

Grammar/Spelling: Something I noticed in here was that you use a lot of unnecessary commas where you should use periods. You have tons of run-on sentences for this reason. Maybe getting a beta who really understands comma usage could help! As the story reads right now, it's a little bit distracting. But it's an easy fix too!

Plot & Characterization: I seriously cannot STAND Snape, so this story was great for me. I loved how strong Lily was and how she stood up for herself. She's totally right to say she doesn't deserve the way he treats her, and she isn't responsible for teaching him how to be a good person. I loved that. I also think you did a great job throughout her speech of showing just WHY she had finally reached the breaking point. The examples of awful things Snape did really helped solidify her decision to stop being his friend.

Emotions: I think Lily's anger was really well written. I wish I could have seen more of Snape's disappointment and frustration, though. I didn't get many facial expressions throughout this to really make their feelings concrete. I think seeing things more would have helped. Which leads me to...

Descriptions: I would have loved to be able to really experience this story more. If there were more details about how things looked, sounded, felt, smelled, etc., I would have felt more like I was IN the story, rather than just reading about it.

Style: I totally loved the choice you made to switch from "Severus" to "Snape" after Lily told him she wasn't going to be his friend anymore. Really strong writing in that. :)

Overall, I liked this! I think it's a reasonable explanation for how they would have stopped being friends, and I think you wrote the scene well. Good job!

--Emily || August BvB, Team Bronze

Author's Response: I was pretty proud of that line as well myself, so many people assume that just because someone doesn't say no that it must mean yes and that's just not the case.

Commas will forever be the death of me, and you're right I definitely need to start getting things beta'd again before I post them.

High five, I can't stand Snape either, which is really what inspired this one-shot, I got very angry at him one day and I decided to write this. Lily deserved so much better than Snape and when she finally realised that she deserved better it made me so happy. I of course had to make some things up because canon didn't provide enough details about the horrible things that he had done.

I'll definitely go back one day and work on the descriptions, I find that I never find enough, there's always one area that I forget to focus on which always ends up needing more work so thank you for pointing that out as well.

I think you're the only person who noticed the switch from Severus to Snape, I was waiting for someone to point it out and finally someone did! I felt like calling him Snape would've been Lily's way of really ending things between them and showing that they were nothing more than just schoolmates.

Thank you so much for the great review!

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Review #9, by DracoFerret11For the dancing and the dreaming: For the dancing and the dreaming

11th August 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the BvB! So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I just noticed one distracting error near the beginning when you accidentally wrote, "He bent down and kissed him deeply" instead of "She." :)

To Clarify: The only other thing that caught my eye is that they're making enough money to have three extra GALLEONS a month. I don't know if the Weasleys EVER made galleons. It's hard to convert money we understand to wizarding money, but if you remember that a galleon is equal to seventeen sickles, and a sickle is twenty-nine knuts. So there are 493 knuts in a galleon, and then it starts looking like a galleon is actually quite a bit of money. So many changing that number or denomination would make this more realistic. It's not necessary, but it just got me thinking. Sorry for the tangent!

Plot: I think this story was very sweet! I don't read much about Molly and Arthur, but I have to imagine that they would have had a hard time starting out. So this story put some of that into perspective. I loved the randomness of how Molly found the Burrow. That was actually quite characteristic in my opinion. And the tiny details about Gideon babysitting and Molly cooking at a pub were great!

Characterization: I think you did a great job showing Molly and Arthur's love for each other. I was surprised that Molly seemed to be the LESS stressed out one, since she always seemed so harried in the books. But seeing Arthur stressed was pretty interesting. It's interesting to consider that maybe MOLLY was the one who wanted to take a chance on a new place, rather than Arthur (which I think most people would assume).

Emotions: I really think you did a good job showing the difficult feelings people have when they're short on money. I can completely understand their feelings, so I think you wrote those well. Good job.

Overall, I liked this story a lot! I thought it was really sweet and very true to canon Molly and Arthur. Well written and thought out! Great job!

--Emily || August BvB, Team Bronze

Author's Response: Hey, thanks so much for such a thorough review!!

I didn't think much about the money thing, but that's a GREAT point. I really want to write more about this time in their lives, so having those things thought out helps.

I sort of think that Molly and Arthur's roles reversed with each child, so he got more and more relaxed with all his minions running around, while Molly became the Molly we know and love. They're a balancing act, those two.

Thanks again!


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Review #10, by DracoFerret11In Love: You Are In Love

11th August 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the BvB! So, let's go over things:

Great Lines: I usually don't include this section unless something really strikes me. So...something really struck me! I loved the line, "It's how it's taken this long for you to realize that the both of you, together, are more than what the war created." That was so very, very lovely.

Grammar/Spelling: I noticed only one distracting error in the chapter, in the second to last paragraph. You accidentally wrote "hours after you've storm out of the flat" instead of "stormED out." But other than that, this is very clean!

Plot: I've never braved the Every Word Counts challenge, but I always admire stories that do. I think this was such a lovely read. I really enjoyed your style, how every sentence swam into the next in such a soft, flowing way. Nothing felt rushed, and you really kept the mood and tone consistent. I found myself feeling for the speaker in the story without trying. Very well done.

Characterization: I like that this story shows both the ups and downs of these characters' relationship. They're not perfect, but they're there for one another, and that's so beautiful. I think that your choice to show that sometimes they fight and get mad and storm off was a really good choice. It's important for readers to recognize the imperfections in this relationship, despite how amazing it is. That makes it so much more realistic. I loved that.

Emotions: Again, I think you did a great job showing the softness of this story (if that makes sense). It's a recollection, but an emotional one, and the shortness didn't take away from those feelings.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Great job writing it, and great job sticking to the challenge. :)

--Emily || August BvB, Team Bronze

Author's Response: Heya Emily!

Thank you so, so much for this lovely review! I was honestly SO nervous about posting this story up, not sure if I could write something so light and different from my usual genres, especially when I decided that 500 words was my cut off. It was such a challenge and I've never felt anxiety like that when posting a chapter. I was worried about it feeling rushed and flowing weird and not hitting the emotions quite like I's just so different from my normal stories.

And then I came on the other day and saw this review and just breathed a huge sigh of relief. You took away a lot of my anxieties about this piece and it seems like it's come across just how I intended it to. You also found one of my favourite lines from the piece, which actually was a line that changed about five times in the editing process. I'm so happy it stuck out and that you felt the need to share it...I don't see a lot of favourite lines shared in reviews often so really, thanks for that!

Also, thank you so much for catching that small error! I will be going through and editing that as soon as I'm done writing this, just so I don't forget.

Again, thank you so much for the review! It was quite lovely to come on to!


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Review #11, by DracoFerret11Shenanigans, Capers, and Hi-Jinks: Fred and Juliet

23rd July 2015:
Hi Branwen! It's DarkRose from the forums, here for the BvB, team Bronze! :) Let's go over things:

Plot & Characterization: Yay! A new chapter! Not too much happened, I suppose, just some updates on what's been going on behind the scenes, but I liked it nonetheless. I really adore the relationship between Vic and Fred. I think they're such great friends, and I love reading their conversations. I think their minor argument was very authentic. I can totally believe that a conversation like that would occur in that way. Really well done. You've also enticed me to want to know more about their quest to become animagi--and why they can't do it legally.

My only "constructive criticism" is that I have some trouble keeping the OCs straight since I can't picture them very well, and I can't seem to remember who's whose friend, etc. But that might be on me. Just something to mention!

Emotions: Again, that "argument" between Vic and Fred was really great. I think you captured them both so well. I loved reading it.

Descriptions: As I mentioned before, I do have some trouble picturing the different characters. It's hard to keep them all straight. :) So maybe some added details here or there might help.

Overall, I liked this chapter just as I've liked the previous ones! I'm excited to read on!

--Emily (DarkRose)

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Review #12, by DracoFerret11Ice.: Ice.

12th July 2015:
Hi Branwen! It's DarkRose, here for the BvB! So, let's go over things:

Style: I'm not going to lie -- initially I was drawn to this because it was short, and because I wanted to see how you handled the second person POV. I have to say, you handled it masterfully. Really good job showing the complexities of your characterization through that POV. Well done.

Plot: I'm not a huge Lavender-fan, but I think you made her story complex enough that I wanted to just keep reading. (IS SHE THE SECOND IN COMMAND YOU MENTIONED IN SHENANIGANS? -- CONNECTION!) The element of the poly (?) relationship she has with her best friend, as well as the husband, adds another really intriguing aspect to this story. I wanted to know so much more about Lavender and her struggles and her life. Great job.

Characterization/Emotions: I think the bitterness that Lavender clearly has is so believable in the way you've written her. This story has a certain amount of heaviness that I found really authentic. Your style brings out a depth of emotions and humanity that is really interesting to read.

Overall, this was great. I'm becoming obsessed with your writing. Is that a bad thing? Probably not. ;) I'll read more stories soon! Thank you for writing!

Emily (Team Bronze)

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Review #13, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Struggling

11th July 2015:
It's me once more! If you continue this story, please let me know! I would love to read on. So, let's go over this chapter:

Plot: It's always interesting to see what's going on in Voldemort's ranks. I still don't quite understand just WHY he's so obsessed with finding Draco, though. What does Draco have that Voldemort so desperately wants? And I like that Hermione's recovery hasn't been instant. Her frustration is so genuine, and I like that. As for the attack on Mungo's? Ah! I wish I had more to read on with so see what was going to happen!

Characterization: As I said, I think Hermione was really good in this chapter (as she has been for the whole story). She's very realistic in her annoyance at her condition. And I liked Draco too. His friendliness and affection make much better sense now. I don't know if I buy their snuggliness, but I didn't mind it, so I won't complain. ;)

Overall, I think this was another really good chapter. I'm totally excited to see what happens next. As I've said, I'm a huge Dramione fan, and this story has captured my interest. I'm going to keep it on my Reading List, and hopefully you'll update someday! I'm glad I read this! Good job and take care!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #14, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Recovery

11th July 2015:
Hello again! I have a lot more to say on this chapter, so let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I noticed a lot of errors in this chapter, especially at the beginning. There were a lot of misplaced apostrophes throughout the chapter, as well as other issues. Also, there were a couple of places where you shifted into present tense instead of past tense. A beta reader or a read through would help you fix these things!

Continuity: One error in continuity was that in the last chapter you say she's been unconscious for three weeks, but in this chapter you say it's been six. Just so you know. :)

Plot: I'm so happy that Hermione is awake! Really! I'm so excited. But I was concerned that Dr. Cartwright seems so different. I hope he isn't a Death Eater or something who's actually hurting her! And I wonder what they're keeping from her! I hope it's nothing terrible, but I've come to expect that bad things might happen throughout this story, haha.

Characterization: I really liked the dialogue between Harry, Ron, and Draco in this chapter. It was funny and believable. I also think that Hermione's confusion was good. I'm weirded out that Dr. Cartwright isn't acting very nice anymore. Maybe he knows she's dying or something. Hm.

Overall, I liked this chapter a lot! I can't believe the next one is the last you've written so far! Hopefully some answers show up! But if not, that's okay too, haha.

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #15, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Empathy

11th July 2015:
Hello again! I'm so excited to review this chapter!

Continuity: Brief continuity issue--you say she's in a coma again, just like the one she'd been in for "three months." But in chapter 2 or whatever, you said they'd only been in a coma for TWO months. Just so you know! :)

Plot & Characterization: I really liked the idea of this chapter. Draco watching over Hermione while she sleeps was really something I've come to expect from his character the way you've written him. And Harry being decent to Draco is also something I believe. I like that Ron didn't talk, since I think it's more realistic that he would be silent if he had to be around Draco. But I think that Harry was really believable here, and the way he tried to make Draco forgive himself was a Harry-like thing to do. Good job.

Emotions: I could really feel Draco's sadness in this chapter. I think his nervousness and despair were really evident and good for the situation. And Hermione's friends' reactions were good too.

So Hermione is awake! They haven't noticed yet, but she's awake! I'm so excited to see what happens next. I wonder how much she's changed because of what she's gone through. And I wonder if she'll still be so sick. If so, there's a long road ahead before the story is resolved!

Reading on!
Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #16, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Darkness

11th July 2015:
Why must you do this to me? Such short chapters stress me out! I have to know what's happening! Ah! Anyway. The chapter:

Plot: So we get a brief glimpse into what's going on with Voldemort. I was surprised when he wanted "the boy," and he wasn't talking about Harry! I have to know whether or not Harry is going to win the war! I totally started this story under the assumption that the final battle had happened and Harry had won. Now I'm so on edge waiting to find out how things will REALLY resolve. And I can't wait to get back to Draco and Hermione and learn whether or not Hermione is going to be okay. I can't believe I only have three chapters left. Are you still writing this? Planning to update? Etc.? Because if I reach the end and have another cliffhanger! Ah! I'll be so stressed out! :)

Characterization: I think Voldemort was believable. His dialogue was a little iffy, but he's so tough to write that I didn't mind. I do question just why he's so obsessed with Draco, though. I get that he's mad that Draco "betrayed" him and "failed" him, but that doesn't seem like enough to totally hunt him down. Doesn't he have more important things to be focusing on? Like Harry and winning the war? Or does Draco somehow impact that? Hm.

We're going to have to see where things go from here! I'll read on and hopefully find out what's happening to Hermione!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #17, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Purgatory

11th July 2015:
Such a short chapter! But we'll go over things nonetheless:

Plot: So we find out that Hermione's been hurt badly enough to have ended up in some sort of purgatory. sad! But is this really purgatory, or just another coma? Purgatory would mean she's dead, right? So I guess maybe she's not actually in "purgatory," moreso she's just having these visions/hallucinations while she's comatose. Either way, I have to know what happens to her!

Characterization/Emotions: I think you did a good job of showing how Hermione was feeling as the reality of her situation became clearer to her. At first, she's curious. Then she's confused. Then she gets scared, and then upset/angry. I really think that that progression was believable. I would totally be freaking out from the first second, but Hermione is much more rational than I am, haha. I also liked Draco's concern for her, as well as Harry's over-protectiveness. We'll see how they interact (maybe).

Overall, this was a good chapter! It was really short, so I have to keep reading now to learn what's going to happen. I'm sure Hermione will wake up, but I wonder what will have changed while she was out. :O

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #18, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Killing Time

11th July 2015:
It's me again! So, let's go over things:

Formatting: Just a note--at the end of the chapter, the final scene where Hermione is calling Draco to come upstairs, and then she falls, that scene is pasted twice here. So you reread what happened from when she started calling for him. Oops!

Plot: Oh wow! Another cliffhanger, really?! I'm so excited to read on. I like that you subtly added in that Hermione hasn't gotten better, then that came to a climax at the end of this chapter. The formatting issue that I mentioned detracted from how I read the ending here, but I think it was really exciting nonetheless. It was such a shock that she hurt herself so badly! I can't wait to see how Draco deals with this and what happens to Hermione next. And I can't wait to see whether or not Hermione's condition can even improve!

Characterization: Great job with everybody in this chapter. Hermione's studiousness was very canon. Blaise and Pansy were getting better. And Draco was really good here! In particular, I thought the ending where he didn't immediately answer Hermione yelling for him was really believable. I think that's total a Draco-thing to do! He just wanted a minute to himself, and that seemed really authentic to me.

Emotions: Draco's feelings for Hermione are really sweet, despite the fact that I do think they came on a bit quickly. But I liked the subtlety of him watching her sleep, but not wanting to freak her out. That was good!

Overall, I liked this chapter a lot. I'm so excited to see what happens next and how they're going to deal with Hermione's injuries! Ah! Reading on!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #19, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: The Truth in The Orchard

11th July 2015:
Hello again! Let's go over things:

"Bleh" Phrases: I don't think I ever really include a category like this, haha, but I thought I should mention -- "full moon eyes" was okay the first time you mentioned it in the story--I actually thought, "huh, that's kind of poetic"--but the second time was a bit too much for me. ;)

Continuity: We have another seasons issue, I think. They're eating apples off a tree, but the snow supposedly just let up today. The apples would be long-since dead. Apples are ripe in fall, not winter.

Plot: This was an interesting chapter. We started off with Hermione and Draco being tense and awkward with each other, which made some sense to me. But they talk, which is good, and Draco decides to tell her a little bit about his past. But I was a little confused as to why he even thought that would be necessary...It seemed a bit random. And I hate to say that abusive-Lucius is a cliche...but it kind of is. :/ So overall, I'm not sure if I liked their conversation. I think the end result--her knowing more about him and deciding to try to befriend him--was good, but the conversation itself wasn't my favorite.

Characterization: Hermione was good as always. :) I really like how you write her! And I think Draco was pretty good here. I like that he didn't tell his whole life story, just a little bit before he closed off again. That seemed authentic to me.

Emotions: I liked that Hermione's horror at Draco's story was obvious. I think that her reaction was very relateable in this situation. So good job there!

Overall, I think this was a good chapter with the result that it had on the story. I'm not sure about the abusive-Lucius trope, but I do think that the effect of their conversation was good. :) Reading on!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #20, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Information

11th July 2015:
Hi again! Let's go over things:

Plot: Ah! So much happened in this chapter! First of all, we learned that Harry didn't succeed in defeating Voldemort. No. :( And we learned that Voldemort wants Draco dead! Extra "no"! This just amped up the plot so much! I'm so excited to see what happens next! I definitely don't trust Blaise and Pansy. I think they're gonna end up turning on Draco, accidentally or purposefully. Voldemort knows how to read minds; he's probably going to find out where Draco is! AH!

Characterization: Loved Hermione again. Blaise was pretty good. I don't read many stories about him, so I assume this characterization is pretty canon. And Pansy seemed a little too nice and not whiny enough, but again--I don't read many stories about her. I do feel like the overuse of "Mudblood" sounds a bit odd in conversation, though. But I think Draco was pretty good here, and I'm interested to see how he'll change when he and Hermione talk about what they've learned.

Emotions: The fels! I seriously am so worried for Draco! I really hope that he's going to be okay! I could really feel Hermione's nervousness for him and her feelings of guilt in that last line. My own emotions are clouding the story's feelings right now, though, because I'm so excited to keep reading.

Overall, this was such a good chapter! It might be my favorite chapter so far! I have to keep reading and find out what happens next!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #21, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Repercussions

11th July 2015:
Hello yet again! Let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: There were a few issues again in this chapter. Last chapter was pretty good, so I didn't think I had anything to report then, but there were more here.

Plot: How could you leave me on a cliffhanger like that?! I liked this chapter for what it was, short but nice. I liked that Draco and Hermione started to acknowledge their feelings (or at least their changing perceptions). I also thought it was nice that Draco made breakfast. That's a very selfless gesture for him.

Characterization: Hermione is still on par with what I've come to expect from her (despite her immature moment at the end there), but Draco is moving a little bit too fast from being a jerk to being a nice guy. Don't get me wrong; I LIKE that he's nice, but the change is coming a bit too fast. But I did laugh at their "you're such a child" conversation. ;)

Emotions: I think you did a good job in this chapter of acknowledging Hermione and Draco's changing feelings for each other and the confusion that accompanies that. I think you did them justice in showing their discomfort in realizing that they're becoming closer. I wish I could really have SEEN the evolution of their friendship, though, since I feel like this chapter just TOLD me about it, rather than showed it.

Overall, this was another good chapter! Things are moving a litle bit too fast, but I think that will be okay. I love Dramione too much to mind yet. And I'm really interested to see if Draco's predictions will be right and Hermione's health will get worse. We'll see!

Reading on...

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #22, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Perseverance

11th July 2015:
Hello there! Me again! So, let's go over things:

Great Lines: I don't always include this section in my reviews, but when a particular line stands out for whatever reason, I like to let the author know. :) In this case it was: "Welcome to our lovely place of healing, Potter, Weasley." I literally laughed out loud when I read that. I don't know why I found it so funny, but I read it in Draco's voice, and it was great.

Plot: Another good chapter! I like that Draco and Hermione are trying to keep their truce going. The effort is nice. The flashback scene with Hermione explaining the TV was really funny, but she did say a few things that I wouldn't think would explain anything to him (such as "electronics" inside it). I think he would still have been confused after that explanation, haha. I'm not a huge fan of Ron or Harry in fanfiction in general, but I didn't mind them too much here. I'm sure Pansy will make me much more angry when she shows up. She always seemed like such a mean person. :P

Characterization: I think Hermione was good again! And I really liked the development in Draco's character in this chapter. I think he was really believable in the subtle changes he made, and his interactions with Ron and Harry were good. I liked that a lot. As for the boys, like I said: I didn't hate them. A good visit, overall.

Emotions: I wish I could see more of the worry that Hermione and Draco have to be feeling about their condition. Even if they've been told they're healed, you would think they would be upset in some way...

Overall, a good chapter! I'm reading on!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #23, by DracoFerret11In Sickness And In Health: Healing in Hell?

11th July 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the House Cup 2015! I read the first chapter of this a long time ago, so I skimmed it again before starting this chapter. But I think I'm up to speed, so let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I noticed quite a few issues throughout the chapter with minor grammar/spelling things. Nothing that was enough to throw me out of the story, but a quick read-through might help you catch those little errors.

Continuity: You said that there is snow outside the cottage...but we know that the final battle was in May, so it can't be later than July, and we know they're in Britain. Is there even somewhere in Britain that would be snowing in July? Just a thought. Maybe that will be addressed. :)

Plot: Oh man. I'm such a huge Dramione fan. It's a total issue in my life. I'm obsessed. So I'm really interested in this plot. I can't wait to see whether or not they're actually cured, whether or not they hate each other again (well, we know they'll eventually like each other!), and what shenanigans they get up to. The plot of this story is intriguing. It's interesting to consider a curse that could cause a disease that would make people this sick. So I'm curious to see how you pursue that.

Characterization: I think you were pretty true to Hermione's character in this chapter. Some of the dialogue came off a bit awkward (maybe read it aloud to see how it sounds?), but for the most part, she was good. Draco was a little strange. He calls Hermione a Mudblood, but then he chills out by the very next time he talks, and by the end of the chapter, he's pretty friendly. That insult he used against her felt out of place.

Emotions: I wish I could have felt Hermione's panic a bit better. I got her curiosity, but she didn't seem quite as freaked out as I think someone would be in this situation. Something to consider.

Descriptions: I think you added good details about how things looked in this chapter. I would like to see other sensory details about how things sound, smell, feel, etc. too! Those things will really bring the scene to life!

Overall, good chapter! I'm excited to read on!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #24, by DracoFerret11Dance With Me: Dance with Me

11th July 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the House Cup 2015! So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: Starting here, I just thought I would let you know that there are quite a few grammar and spelling issues in this story (for example, you wrote "we're" instead of "were" several times). I'd recommend reading through this again (or maybe grabbing a Beta reader!) to fix those errors. :)

Plot: I have a special place in my heart for Twin/Hermione stories, so I really enjoyed reading this. I liked that you followed their relationship in this story from start to finish. Their date at the Yule Ball was really sweet. The only part there that confused me was when you suddenly switched to talking about Dumbledore and McGonagall watching the students. That threw me off a bit. But besides that, the Yule Ball scene was really sweet. After that, the other scenes were brief (I would have liked if they were longer!), but the scene after the final battle was pretty emotional. I was so surprised when Fred survived! And I was so happy that they got married and started a life together! I wish you would extend this into a series or longer story in general. I would totally read that.

Characterization: I liked how you wrote Fred and Hermione! They both seemed pretty canon to me, so that was good. I also think you wrote the supporting characters well. One thing I was confused about was why Fred and Hermione didn't tell the Weasleys about their relationship. Was there a reason for that?

Emotions: I think you did a great job showing how Hermione was feeling throughout this story. Her nerves at the Yule Ball, then her sadness and anger when she thought Fred died were very genuine. Good job.

Overall, I think you did a great job with this story! The grammar and spelling could use some improvement, but other than that, I enjoyed it. I would like to read a longer version of this someday!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

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Review #25, by DracoFerret11Jumping Off Swings: Moment of Death

11th July 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the Ravenclaw BvB! So, let's go over things:

Plot: To be honest, I really don't like Snape, but the summary of this story made me want to give it a look, and I'm happy I did! I think Snape's final moments are ones that intrigue a lot of readers. I liked how you handled them and analyzed which memories Snape thought of while he died.

Characterization/Emotions: So, I really do think that canon Snape was very selfish in his affections for Lily, but I did like how you wrote about them. And I did feel the different emotions that Snape went through in his memories. His fear of Voldemort was particularly well written. :) And I liked how you described the scene when Dumbledore told Snape that Lily was dead. I could really feel his grief.

Descriptions: There were a few places where I thought more details about how things looked/sounded/felt/smelled/etc. could help bring the story to life more, but for the most part, the details you chose were wonderful. I could really feel a lot of the scenes. Good job!

Overall, this was a well-written, emotionally detailed story, and I liked it. I might not be a Snape fan, but you made me interested to read about him, and that's a feat in and of itself!

--Emily (Team Bronze)

Author's Response: Emily!

Your review here is just so, so lovely and I can't even say thank you enough for it! I'm so happy I was able to draw your interest and get you interested in reading about a character you normally wouldn't think to look at. I'm glad you gave Snape a chance and that you found his last moments so emotional and intriguing. It took quite a while for me to construct his character in my head, and then to actually get it into writing...well, it was quite the feat and the fact that I was able to draw someone in who would normally not enjoy or go for a story written about him...well, I'm honoured you chose this story!

This story is in the rounds of going a little bit of updating, so I'll see if there are areas that I can work in a little bit more detail. The first time through writing it, I was too into the story and the emotions to be able to tell where I could add detail so hopefully now that I've gotten used to the writing, I can go through and improve it even more.

Thank you so, so much for this lovely review! And for choosing to read about Snape! ;)


(PS Sorry for the slow response! I've been terrible about review responses as of late! xD)

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