Hi again!

Characterization: I'm in love with your George. I think I've said that a million times, but I really am. He's perfection on paper (or website, if you'd like to get technical). I adore him. Also, great job with his buddies and his employees. I love how different and believable they all are. As always, fantastic job with Angelina. I love that her relationship with George evolved behind the scenes, but doesn't feel forced or sudden. Great job. And Mr. Zonko was great. Really original!

Descriptions: Love how you described poker night and the shop when it was busy. I really can feel the different atmospheres throughout the chapter.

Emotions: George and Angelina! :D I have no words for how much I adore them. I wonder what they'll decide about expanding WWW. They're so sweet together. :]

Plot: So! This was a cool turn of events. I wonder how George will handle it. I don't FEEL like there's something in the small print that will mess things up...hopefully not! And I hope he and Angie settle down together soon! They're too adorable, really.

Interactions: Really cute moments between George and Angelina. I'm so fond of how you write them together.

As always, you're doing wonderfully. I'll read more ASAP. Keep up the amazing work!

--Emily

 Report Review

Hello there! :] I just happened across this story and read it quite quickly, but I'd love to give you my thoughts:

First off, terrific job. I thought this was a really beautiful take on the remembrance after the war. I loved all the descriptions that fit so nicely into the narrative. Using the sunset as a metaphor for all the things people have lost was a brilliant idea. I felt quite touched by the style you used. The emotionality of this piece was really, really nice. I felt so terrible for everyone left behind. You showed a really great grasp of the way this would affect people. It was really wonderful. Again and overall, this was fantastic. I'll be reading some of your other pieces soon. :]

--Emily

Author's Response: Hello Emily! Thank you for taking time to read my story and leave this lovely review.

I've always seen these peoples entries to the 500 word challenge and never felt like I could do anything with 500 words, but I actually really enjoyed writing this and i'm so infinitely glad that you liked it :D :D :D

-AC

 Report Review

Hello again! :D

Okay, let's start off with a moment of continuity. At the very beginning of the chapter, you say something about spells crackling in the night air during DA practice. Since they're inside, does that make sense?

Characterization: Okay! We have another Angelina chapter. :] I love how you portray her. Really great job. I think she's very believable and I was sad for her too when she thought George had stood her up. Which, of course, he didn't. He's too sweet for that. Hopefully they get to talk soon, though! Also, good job on all of Angelina's friends.

Descriptions: Great job! I loved the DA scenes and how I could feel Angelina's impatience when she was waiting for her friends in the Great Hall. I like that you show so many things through the details you choose to portray.

Emotions: As always, absolutely loved that I could feel what the characters were feeling. Angelina's sadness when she was waiting for George was perfect. And the suspense at the end was great. I adore this story. :]

Plot: Loved that Angelina had decided to tell George about how she felt. I was so disappointed that she didn't get to, but I think it worked perfectly with the story. I also think you did a really good job working in canon details so that everything seems believable. Awesome job.

Interactions: I really liked the conversations between Angelina and her friends. There's a really believable dynamic between them. I like that. :] And I liked that they all have distinct personalities. Only thing that seemed a little off was the moment when George was massaging Angelina's shoulders. I understand its place in this story, but if you tried placing that action in real life, it seems a little more awkward. :/

Fantastic job, as always. I'll read more soon. You have me captivated.

--Emily

 Report Review

Hello there! I've been away from HPFF for a little while, but I just saw that there are lots of new chapters posted in this story and I just HAVE to read them! :D So, here are my thoughts on this one:

Characterization: I love the way you write George. It's so impressive and wonderful and perfect! I just love it so much. His emotions were so real. This story just makes me melt. You know that feeling where you get all tingly because of something you hear (like a song) or read (like this story)? Yeah, I have that.

Descriptions: Gorgeous. Loved how hectic things were when George first got to Hogsmeade and then the way your descriptions changed when he went into the Hog's Head. It changed the entire mood of the story. And the memorial service! Oh my gosh. I just kept tearing up. It was so beautiful.

Emotions: This is your forte. Every. Single. Chapter. You write such fantastic descriptions of George's feelings and they're so striking. By far one of the most impressive writers I've read on HPFF. Great job.

Plot: This memorial service was a great idea. I haven't ever read something like this. So pretty. And I loved the way you wrote Angelina into this. She's always so supportive. :] I love her. I love the whole story, honestly. It's perfect. :D

Interactions: Loved the moment between Percy and George. It's so realistic that Percy would be feeling bad about George not being there when Fred died. That's something I can really see happening. I also adored the moments between George and Angelina (obviously). Why didn't Mr. Weasley recognize her, though? I thought she'd been around the Burrow fairly often? Maybe I'm thinking of something else. :P

Keep up the beautifully fantastic work. You impress me. I'll keep reading ASAP and you'll see my reviews. :D

--Emily

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D Sorry about the ridiculously long time between reviews...So, let's go over things:

Characterization: So we really have Gen and Neville in this chapter. I think they're both quite good. I'm worried that Gen wasn't quite traumatized enough though. I didn't really get a sense of how horrified she was that her best friend was dead, gone forever. And Neville was kind, but I didn't get any sense of urgency from him, any realization that he really could have lost Gen for good. So I think this chapter could really benefit if you amped up the emotions and showed more of how horrible this situation is.

Descriptions: I liked your details about how white the hospital room was and how weak Gen was after she was injured. It might help for you to explain what actually happened to her, though, so we know why she's injured (if she just hit a bench, Healers could fix that in a second).

Plot: I can't believe Savannah's dead! I think that it happened so suddenly that it didn't impact me how it should have. It could really, really help this chapter for you to make that more emotional for readers. They should be really sad that she's gone, and I didn't feel that.

Interactions: So Gen and Neville are talking again, but I didn't really feel any tension from how things were before to how they are now. And Gen really didn't handle meeting Neville's parents well, yet he didn't get annoyed at her insensitivity. Hm.

Pretty good job on this chapter. Good luck as you continue writing and keep up the good work! :]

--Emily

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Honestly, I'm not even sure I'm going to continue this fic or any fic on here. I don't particularly like how things are going on this site and I feel that my creativity is very cramped due to all the rules.

I do appreciate your feedback thus far, and if I write more in the future, I will definitely request you.

Thanks again for all the reviews up until this point.

-Sara-

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D I'm sorry for the absolutely massive amount of time since my last review. School started back up so I've been busy again. Anyhow, let's go over things:

Characterization: Okay! So, we've got a lot about Morgan's development in this chapter. I think it's interesting how you've explained that her preference towards Dark magic actually started quite early. It's a little Mary-Sue-ish that she knew so many spells at eleven years old, though. But I'm interested to see how she gets to being so "evil" (so to say) later. I'll read more ASAP.

Descriptions: Okay, I really am quite fond of ranting about details. I really liked how you described the sitting room and Morgan's mother's outfit, but there wasn't much else about the surroundings, etc. I didn't know what the garden looked like or how Theodore looked, etc. Those details could really help bring this chapter to life.

Emotions: So, I liked that I could feel Morgan's surprise and awkwardness when she kissed Theodore and he didn't respond positively. That spoke volumes to me. Well done!

Plot: Okay, so we have Morgan's past with Theo. Really quite interesting! It's a little odd that this impacted her so much, even though she's so young, but I suppose sometimes these things do. I also liked that she was unexpectedly sorted into Gryffindor. I'm sure that will bring big changes later. Good job with the overarching narration explaining the effects of everything. It makes me interested to see how everything came about.

Pacing: So far, so good! I think this chapter flowed quite well, even with the flashback and narration. You're doing quite well. Keep up the good work and I'll read more ASAP!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hey Emily, glad to see you back! :)

I was actually worried about making Morgan know so many spells, but then I remembered from the books how Snape was described as knowing more Dark Arts spells before his first year than all of the 7th years combined. This got me thinking that since our main characters were Harry the orphan, Hermione the Muggle-born and Ron the, uh, not very studious, the impression has been created that all Hogwarts students come to school with zero magical knowledge. But if they have academics for parents (like Morgan) and are of old Magical blood, then they probably get acquainted with Magical theory while taking breaks from learning how to count, you know what I mean? Besides, they probably also get sent to prep kindergartens or something like that. I made Theodore know just as many spells as Morgan in oder to illustrate exactly this point. I'll try to make it clearer though :)

Also, the garden! You are right, it basically went undescribed. I will get on to solving that problem asap. Thank you for doing this and hope to see you back again soon :D

 Report Review

Hello there! I'm so excited that this chapter is up. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get around to reading it! So, let's begin:

Continuity: The only issue that I noticed while reading this was in the part where Simon, Corinne, and Elena were talking about how Moody would call them to come fight the Death Eaters. So, Corinne says at the end of the exchange, "I'll ask Frank if he's coming." but they (Simon, Corinne, Elena) never actually walked away from Alice and Frank. So, unless they were speaking quietly (which also wasn't mentioned), Frank would have been able to hear their conversation.

Characterization: As always, I adore everyone. Your characters are so realistic and I love that they aren't perfect in any way. I liked Elena's defiance when she thought Simon was going to tell her to stay behind, but I still almost wish she would. She's not trained for this and I'm always worried she's going to get hurt. And I'm feeling a huge sense of doom for everyone, really. This story is so intense!

Descriptions: I think this chapter was more dialogue than description, which is fine, but you could always give us a few hints as to how the setting and facial expressions look. :]

Emotions: Loved the intensity in the conversation between Elena and Simon, but I'm still so eager to see them actually voice their feelings! I love that you've created such a believable and intense couple without a bunch of sappiness though. Terrific job.

Plot: Well, I'm definitely worried about how this ended! I thought it was a bit odd that the Deluminator could be made into a Portkey, though. I almost feel like it's too magical for that, but I could be wrong. ;] I'm excited to see what happens next!

This story is absolutely awesome. I think you're doing a really spectacular job and I can't wait for your updates. :] Keep up the great work and the wonderful pacing. I'll read more when you write it. :D

--Emily

Author's Response: Hi Emily

(I win the terrible review responder award for taking forever to reply to this, so I'm very very sorry!)

Thanks for pointing the continuity issue out! It is a bit ambiguous who is where at that point, so a few lines should clear that up.

Yeah, that is the problem isn't it? You're not really sure who is right when Simon and Elena argue. I mean it's easy to take Elena's point of view and not understand why Simon is so protective. But if you think about it, you're right--she's not trained and in this case that sort of thing would really matter.

I'm glad the conversation between Elena and Simon worked for you though. They are not the sappiest people, partly (honestly) because I am not very good at writing sappy romance. And also, Corinne would never put up with them being sappy. ;)

Right, the way I thought about the Deluminator is what it did with Ron in DH--sort of guided him to the other person's location--they sort of described it like that. I know it's not the same situation, but maybe it works ;)

So, I have finally updated, (with two chapters) though it's been criminally long since I have. Sorry again for not responding sooner- I feel really terrible since your reviews are always so lovely! But I sort of took a hiatus from this site because of a really tough school semester/transition. You know the feeling?

--Haley

 Report Review

Hello again!

Characterization: Okay, let's start here again. So! We have Morgan...who I'm already not fond of. I know it seems too early for me to decide something like that, but that's how I feel right now. It might change later, for all I know. :] I just don't like spoiled brats, and that's how she's coming off right now. I do like the twins, though! Yay Weasleys!

Descriptions: This chapter was already better in details. It was quite dramatic when the twins gave her the nosebleed nougat. I'm wondering, what year are they in in this? They'd have to be at least third years (since that's when they started developing their skiving snackboxes). And where's Lee Jordan? Hmm. Plot holes. :P

Emotions: I liked that Morgan wasn't calm and collected when they played their trick on her. Her panic was refreshing. It would have been very Mary-Sue-ish if she hadn't been upset. Though, her pranking them back in such a creepy way seemed a little bizarre.

Plot: Another interesting chapter! I wonder how she'll form a friendship with Fred and George after they just annoyed her so much. We'll have to see!

I think this is a good introduction of the twins. I'm worried that Morgan might become a Mary-Sue given time, so try to watch out for that. And remember to try putting yourself in all of your characters' shoes to decide on their reactions to things. That always helps me. :]

Keep up the good work. I'll review again soon.

--Emily

Author's Response: hey, thank you for reviewing :)

Morgan is not supposed to be likeable ;) she has many bad qualities, as most brilliant people do.

I left out lee jordan purposefully, because he never really had much of a role in the books. I think he might only get in the way. Although I do try to stay true to cannon and to the original HP feeling, I would also like to avoid getting lost in a meticulous construction of details that are irrelevant to my story. I'm glad you pointed it out though! It shows that you are truly detailed in your review and have exactly the critical eye I was hoping for :)

I would like to know what seemed bizarre about Morgan's prank? So far, I've been trying to show how much of a hidden psycho she is, a loner with a pretty mask. She is a girl who never really figured out the line between right and wrong. During the story, some characters will be there to help her find that line, but other circumstances will let her lose it again. She is intended to get weirder and weirder as the story progresses, but I didn't even think that it had set in already...If you can, please come back to this point in your next review, it would help greatly :)

Thank you for watching out about Morgan's Mary-Sue-ness, the danger is there and I know it :S That is always a problem with characters that are intended to become important and powerful people. Considering the things I have planned for her, she MUST be highly intelligent, highly driven and also, she must attract those characters, that will help her get where she is going. Please do point out anything that you think is unconvincing, it would help me a lot!

 Report Review

Hello there! It's me again. :D

Plot: Your chapters are so massive. :P They take me forever to read! I'm sorry! So...moving on. I liked that this chapter was quite tame in action. It was nice to have a filler-type chapter. I'm glad Gwen is okay, but my patience with her is starting to run out. She seriously needs to get over James. For once I'm NOT rooting for a couple. It's unhealthy how much of her energy she spends on hiding her feelings. They'd be good together, I'm sure, but I just can't stand how much she loves him when he's so oblivious. It's self-destructive. :P I'm glad Joshua is back, though! Whoo! And I'm interested to see what James chooses to do about Kat. Hmm.

Characterization: So, both James and Gwen are exactly as they always are. They're both still well-written, but as I mentioned...my patience is running out with them. :P

Descriptions: You know my detail-rant. ;] But I think you wrote this chapter quite well in terms of details. I could see things happening and could really imagine what a mess Gwen must be right now. :P Ick.

Emotions: She's so pathetic! UGH. It's getting really disappointing. I know she's trying to be a good friend, but this is just getting awful. She needs to realize that this isn't healthy. I'm sorry I'm getting so impatient. XD

Interactions: Well, I do like that James is such a loyal friend, but I think he might actually just have feelings for Gwen that he hasn't thought about. That seems like a legitimate explanation for his devotion to her. TOO BAD KAT IS NOW IN THE PICTURE. UGH.

Again, another well-written chapter, even if I'm running out of love for Gwen and James. XD Maybe it will come back, you never know! I'll read more soon.

--Emily

Author's Response: Hello, dear ^^

Plot: I'm sorry >.< Next one will be a bit shorter! So hopefully that helps d: But YES! That's so true! It is unhealthy! And she is being self-destructive! She really needs to get over him. I think you're the first to actually point it out like that, and I'm happy about it, because that is exactly true. ^^

Characterization: Haha, hopefully you'll find it again d:

Descriptions: Yey for better detailing! Hopefully that means I'm getting better with it!

Emotions: She is! But don't be disappointed, I promise it will get better (at some point d: )

Interactions: Who knows (well I do) we'll have to wait and see what happens.

Thank you again for such a lovely review even though you're losing your patience d: see you soon!

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Style: I don't usually start here, but I'm going to for this story. Honestly, after I finished reading it, I legitimately said the word "wow" aloud. And I think that really sums up this story for me. It was so terribly heavy and hurtful and sad, but absolutely beautifully written. It's going into my favorites, which really doesn't happen often.

Characterization: Okay, so we're going to move on to this so that I can talk about Harry some. :] I've never read a story that gets into his head this much. I actually don't read many stories that have Harry in them at all...but I think that you captured his character perfectly. Yes, this was AU, but it was also about our favorite boy wonder, and you showed him in such a great light. This was wonderfully believable. Great job.

Descriptions: Wow. Really. I'm serious. Wow. Why are you such a wonderful writer?! I could see everything that was happening, but more importantly, I could FEEL it. The details you gave to all of Harry's emotions were so deep. I felt like I could really get inside his head. It was actually hurtful in a way. This took me longer than it should have to read because I had to keep stopping to come up for air, so to say. That's impressive.

Plot: I think you worked this into canon in a really amazing way. I loved how you pulled in Harry's mental state while still working with our canon details. Terrific job.

Ahhh, this is just a wonderful story. It's definitely one of the (if not THE) best story I've read that delves into someone's mental state. I'm definitely impressed and I think you did a spectacular job. :D

--Emily

Author's Response: Gahhh, Emily. ♥ How am I even supposed to respond to this review?! I was a little anxious about posting this story -- I mean, it's a bit nerve-wracking to post a story where your main character pretty much goes insane. But you favorited it, and I just... wow. Thank you so much!!

Everything I was worried about, you've managed to alleviate in this response -- like Harry's characterization. :) I wanted to keep it canon, while at the same time, you know, making it AU, and I'm just so happy you saw that. And I LOVED that you were able to get inside Harry's head, because that was definitely something I was really going for, too! I think something like this is scarier when you /can/ get into the head of the character, and I'm just so gratified. Truly. ♥

You're making me blush; I feel all giddy now. :D I'm just beyond flattered, and so grateful, and all those things! (Please do forgive the rambling nature of this review.) Thank you so much for being willing to review this for me -- and I'm ecstatic you liked it so much!! :3 ♥

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Bronze vs Blue battle! :D So, let's go over things:

Style: Normally I don't start by talking about this, but I really wanted to in your case. I think your style really lent itself to this story. I could actually imagine this as a published book. It was really beautiful just HOW you wrote this. Great job.

Characterization: Okay! So we've got Persephone and Arnold in this chapter. Both were quite good, though I must admit that I wasn't overly fond of either of their last names. Anyhow, their characterization was good despite the surnames. ;] I liked that Persephone was doing what it took to protect her family, even at the expense of her own happiness. That's a great characteristic for a heroine. And Arnold was the perfect mix of disdainful and complex. You wrote him in a way that made readers confused about his intentions, which I liked.

Descriptions: I LOVED that I could really see everything that was happening in this story. It was very poignant how you described the rain and the unobtrusive house and the carriage. We didn't get many details about how the characters looked, though. But that's the only place that you slipped on descriptions. Everywhere else, they were great.

Emotions: I liked that I could see that Persephone was making this choice to protect her family. That's a very good motivation. I think you handled it well. Overall, I liked the emotions in this a lot. :D

Plot: You definitely have the beginnings of an interesting story here! I like that it's set in a past time and that there's something intriguing about the "Society." That brings readers in very quickly. Nicely done!

Great beginning to a story. This was a very interesting chapter and I'm sure you'll do well when you write more. Keep up the good work!

--Emily

Author's Response: Thanks for your awesome review!!

I'm really glad that you liked the way I wrote this... It was just something that I had a quick idea for one day, and so I wrote it all down with no inkling of where the plot should go or how the characters should act. After much editing, this is the result. It's definitely come to mean a lot more than it once did!!

As far as the last names... I see your point. I was trying to make them seem strange, but I think I went a little too far with "Nimbletrout." It's kind of far-fetched. And "Castleberry" doesn't quite fit Persephone, either. Thanks for pointing their surnames out to me... Otherwise, I would have left them the same. Later on when I find the time, I'll give them better last names. It would definitely benefit the story, I think!

Thank you so much for your wonderful compliments and suggestions!!

~~UnluckyStar57

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose again. I'm sorry about the delay between reviews. I've been busy. XD So, thoughts:

Characterization: I adored all the characters in this chapter. We start with creepy, creepy Bellatrix (ew, I hate her) and you write her perfectly! I DEFINITELY think you captured her bizarre adoration of Voldemort. I liked that you showed an interesting take on her when she was younger. Lucius and Narcissa were good as well. Thought on the fact that Lucius said they were only in school with Snape/James for one year--not quite true in canon. (This might not actually matter for your story, but I'll write it out anyway.) Lucius would have been a sixth year when the Marauders and all started school, and Narcissa would have been a fifth year. Anyhow, moving on: Voldemort is such a weirdo! Ew. I don't like him. But I DO think you wrote him well. :] And on to the good guys: Sirius is a total sweetheart. I adore him. And James is growing up! Yay! Always a bonus. Lily is still our dear Lily. She's good. :D And I am SO excited that Peter was in this chapter. I hate Marauders stories that ignore him. You wrote him wonderfully. Terrific job on everyone. :D

Descriptions: I really liked that I could envision the scene with the Death Eaters. It made everything much more dramatic. Well done! And I liked the Marauders moments too. :] I could really see everything that was happening in this chapter. Well done!

Emotions: Okay! So I definitely got Bella's fear at the beginning. It was infectious. I don't even LIKE her, but I felt bad for her because of how worried she was. And I loved when Sirius was torn between telling James and not telling James about whatever happened the night Lily's parents died--SUSPENSE!

Plot: Great chapter! I loved that we worked in some drama from the other side of the war. It's always interesting to see what's happening out of the world of the main characters. And then we have this added drama with something that happened that James doesn't know about. I'm really interested to find out about that. And then they talk to McGonagall and Dumbledore (who are both great, by the way). And now even THEY recognize that we've got some growing issues. And McGonagall the matchmaker. How cute! :D I'm excited to read the next chapter.

Interactions: I love the interaction between the Marauders. Their friendship is wonderful. I absolutely love that Peter was here. He doesn't get enough attention in Marauders Era fics which is annoying. It was good to see him around.

I think you're doing really well. I liked this chapter quite a bit and I'll read the next one ASAP. Keep up the good work!

--Emily

Author's Response: Ahh please don't say sorry! I'm just happy your offering up your amazing reviews ♥

That's exactly what I wanted with the reader and Bellatrix! We hate her! But I wanted that small bit of, what is going to happen to her? Because she's absolutely terrified. So I'm happy you felt a bit bad for her :)!

Heheh I love adding those little bits of suspense in here and there.

I am so happy you could imagine everything! I've been working a lot on imagery and detail, so the fact that it is pulling through makes me want to jump up and down! I have a lot of fun writing from the other side, and that will continue to happen throughout the story. And, it will always tie in to what is happening either with the Order or at Hogwarts. So keep an eye on those bad guys ;).

I am so happy you liked Dumbledore and McGonagall. They're really scary to write. Especially trying to write them 12-13 years younger than when we meet them.

I also can't stand when Peter is ignored. He was still their friend. Their very good friend, and played a strong part in all of this. Although I do find myself wanting to walk him off a cliff now and again ;).

Thank you so much for this amazing review. For all the amazing reviews and putting so much time and effort into detail.

I also can't wait for the next update with Lucius and Narcissa!! I need to start something new of yours!!

Thanks again, darling ♥

Jami

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Continuity: Okay, I'll start off with the only question that I had about the story--is Katherine Fabian/Gideon's daughter? If so, she would be Fred and George's first cousin, which would be massively awkward if she's to end up in a relationship with one of them.

Characterization: Okay! So we begin with Elizabeth, who is really great. I liked that she was strong enough to stand up to Rowle. I feel like she could have shown more fear since the situation WAS really terrible, but I can understand why you might not choose to write her that way. As for Katherine at eleven...she's not bad. I liked that she stood up to the other girl during the Sorting. She's obviously her mother's daughter, despite being adopted by a Death Eater. Which...for reference, why did he let her use his last name? Wouldn't that lead authorities right to him and he's known for Death Eater involvement? Anyhow, moving on, twins! I liked them both. I think you're doing well with them so far. And I loved Angelina's little mention. I have a huge love of her character. :D

Descriptions: Okay, I tell everyone this when I review--details, details, details! :] Telling readers how things look, smell, sound, feel, etc. can really bring the entire story to life. For instance, we didn't get too many details about how the characters looked, how the platform sounded, the atmosphere in the house when Elizabeth was killed, etc. And all those things can help bring the story to life.

Emotions: Same thing here. :] I almost got some details about George's nerves, but not many other things. I couldn't feel Elizabeth's fear, etc. :/ Adding things in to hint at how the characters are feeling will help tremendously.

Plot: Okay! So we've got an interesting beginning here. I'm intrigued as to why Rowle adopted Katherine. And I'm interested to see how the characters all become friends. This is sure to be a captivating story. :]

So far, so good! I'll read more ASAP!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hello sorry for the late response XD It's just this was such a long well though out review I had to read it a couple of times before answering.

I always get that question :P no she isn't you'll know who her father is soon.

I love Elizabeth too bad I had to kill her off XD I wrote the prologue so long ago and I agree there should be more emotion in it, I'll edit it when I get the chance :) Ahh like I said the reason for the last name comes up later, I'm glad you like the characters!

Details! Got it :) I'll take this into account when editing.
Thank you for such a thougtful review :) When I edit this chap I'll let you know :)

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Characterization: Okay! So we have Gen in this chapter for the most part. I like that you're keeping her consistent. She doesn't do things that make no sense, which is great. :] I felt so bad for her this chapter, though! So much happening!

Plot: I just had to move on to this really quickly. Like...oh my gosh! I knew that Luna getting kidnapped would happen (since you stick to canon most of the time ;] ), but Savannah! IS SHE DEAD? Oh my gosh! I can't believe that this is happening. So much drama! This chapter just EXPLODED with the plot excitement. Great job!

Descriptions: You know my detail rant. ;] I liked that you showed some of the emotions in this chapter, though (like Gen's anger with Alex), but I think you could even use more details to show their fear and worry and things. This is a HUGE plot change with them being directly attacked by Death Eaters, so it should show that it's important. And details can just bring this to life. It'd help a lot and make this an even better chapter. :]

Interactions: I liked that Gen stood up to Alex, but I wonder if you could show more about how she reacted to the Death Eaters. From what I read, I think she just stared at them. Was she scared? Why didn't she shout at them? Etc.

Another good chapter! You're doing a good job and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Be back ASAP!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hehe. I had a couple of people comment on the change in plot and freak out after this chapter. I'm glad that it was so successful. I feel like it can be totally awesome to throw something at a person unexpectedly that it just has them going OMG! I think that stories really need that sometimes.

I know! I have such a hard time with the description. I really need to work on that. Maybe I will try to make my next chapters even more descriptive. It's just something that's hard for me. I think it's because I rush myself because I hate to keep people waiting, but I'll try to get better at that.

Hehe. Can't wait. I'm glad that you like it but sadly I don't have any written past 10! I'll have to get on that I guess.

Thank you again!

-Sara-

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: Okay! So, throughout the actual chapter, I didn't see many problems at all. The only thing in this category that I would suggest you change is the capitalization of the title and chapter titles. So, the title would be, "I Think I Just MISCALCULATED" if you still want the last word in all caps. I would actually just do, "I Think I Just Miscalculated," but that's up to you. :] And the chapter title would be, "Catalina: Cata-whata? Catawampus!" Just my own tips, though. ;]

Characterization: Okay! I actually really like Cat! Yayyy! I always watch to be sure that OCs don't become Mary-Sues, and Cat isn't yet! Great job! I think she's really funny and spunky which is great. Keep up the good work!

Descriptions: Okay, I tell everyone that I review for the same thing--details, details, details! They can REALLY bring a story to life. So tell the readers how things look (characters, settings, etc.), but also how things sound, smell, feel, etc. It will really take your story to the next level! :D

Emotions: I liked that I could really feel everything Cat was. Her disdain, annoyance, etc. It all came through. Well done.

Plot: So! This was a really good beginning chapter! I liked that it was eye-catching and that your OC is still wonderfully tolerable. Her introduction and role in the chapter were great. One question about Albus's introduction though: you say, "Albus Potter, my cousin, Scorpious' best friend." But that was a bit confusing. I think you're trying to say that Albus is Scorpius's best friend, but right now it sounds like Albus is CAT'S best friend. Maybe change that sentence to, "Albus Potter: my cousin Scorpius's best friend." It looks like it would read strange that way, but I feel like it will help clarify. ;]

Interactions: Okay! So I thought it was interesting that Cat doesn't seem to like her family much. I'm interested to learn more about that later. And I liked that she has a rival, but her rival isn't in Gryffindor. Refreshing! I'm glad it wasn't a Slytherin/Gryffindor rivalry. We have too many of those. :] I thought her interaction with James was a bit odd. I expected them to seem closer, but I'm sure that will come later. And I loved the awkward moment with Albus. :D Great!

Style: You're handling first-person-POV wonderfully! Don't worry about that. I actually like the voice you're writing in. You're doing spectacularly for this being your first story! Quite impressive. And you'll only get better from here. :D

The flow and pacing are doing great right now too. So far, I don't see too much that you need to worry about. Keep up the great work!

--Emily

Author's Response: You don't know how happy I am to have another set of eyes read it over and tell me what they think. Thanks so much for reviewing, it means a lot. And another YAY because now I have a quick way to jump to your profile to read your Dramione stories!

Concerning the title and the chapters: yes, I know, I know... I did it on purpose like that, but I think I will switch them over. It looks a bit... silly to leave it like that I suppose. (: It looks much better when it's in a funky font on word ;)

I understand the confusion over that whole line about Scorpious' best friend, Albus... When I was reading over that quote it made me confused. ^^ I will reword it, and thanks for catching it, it was one of those things I wasn’t sure about when reading it over for a quick edit. Clarity really is everything, especially when it comes to writing relationships between characters so thanks for pointing that out :]

*Insert big sigh of relief here.* I'm glad that Cat isn't too annoying and that I seem to be writing okay in first person. It definitely was something I needed to work on, but I didn't like the thought of writing this story in third person (for some reason I thought it might be less interesting for me to write it that way). *Does happy dance*

No worries, James and Cat will be really tight in the next chapter to make up for the aloofness in this chapter... I didn't want to stretch out the chapter too much longer so I thought I would leave it on an embarrassing note for Cat.

Description- my favourite thing. I'll be sure to add quite a few more details in the next chapter- maybe I'll go back and edit in some more in this one now that you mention it.

Thanks for the review, it was great to see someone elses opinion on it, and I will definitely make the changes you suggested.

-Sarcastic/Lexi



 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for our Ravenclaw Reviewing! :D So, let's go over things:

Characterization: I absolutely adored how you wrote Minerva. Her being the main character was what actually drew me to this story. I love Minerva stories! :D There are far too few of them. Anyhow: I think you wrote her so wonderfully. The emotions you showed, her sadness and regret, were so beautiful. I honestly nearly teared up. I think this story has to go into my favorites. :D

Descriptions: I always stress about adding details to bring stories to life. This had a few mentions of descriptions that helped (like the state of Remus's apartment and the crowded cemetary at Lily and James' funeral), but other little things could enhance this even more, y'know? Either way, great job.

Emotions: Again, absolutely beautiful. You showed a real grasp of how Minerva was feeling and it was incredibly touching. Spectacular job.

Plot: This was such a sweet story. I'd never considered these events from McGonagall's point of view, and I love that you did. You told such a terribly sad story through such a touching lens. It was wonderful.

Style: The weight that came through in the narrative was truly impressive. I loved that I could feel how heavy the emotions were, how much everything hurt. It really touched me.

Beautiful story. Wonderfully written. Great job. :D

--Emily

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Characterization: Okay, so we have Morgan in this chapter. I think you've got a solid idea of who she is how she behaves which is great. As an OC, I'll be watching to be sure she doesn't turn into a Mary-Sue, but for now, she's fine. ;] So far, so good.

Descriptions: Okay! So, this is something that I tell everyone that I review for: details can bring a story to life or, if they aren't there, make it fall flat. So tell us how things look, sound, smell, feel, etc. It will bring readers into the story and make things so much more realistic. :]

Emotions: Okay! I loved the disdain that I could sense coming off of Morgan. It makes me very interested to understand her story more and see why she is the way she is.

Plot: Interesting beginning! I like that you've already pulled in enough suspense and drama to inspire me to read more and see what's going on with everyone. I like that you accomplished that! Well done. And her rejection of Draco is sure to make an impact later, so I'm intrigued to see how that will come in. :]

Interactions: Loved the tension between Morgan and Draco. I'm sure it's going to impact the story later. And I liked that there's somehow a connection between her and Theodore, so I can't wait for that to be explained. :]

Style: I really adored the way you wrote this. It was terrific. I liked the narration style and the prologue part before we got into the real story. It definitely peaked my interest. You have a very well-structured style that seems like it will really lend itself to a story like this. Great job!

Okay, so far, so good! This was a terrific beginning. I'm really interested to see where this will go. Keep up the good work and I'll read more ASAP.

--Emily

Author's Response: hey there! Thank you so much!

I'm glad that you feel the suspence and want to read on, it means I did something right! You will see that I will try to keep up the tone throughout the rest of the story (with some exceptions), if you could make sure to point out whether it still works later on, that would be wonderful :)

Details, yes, you are completely right, I often struggle with that since I'm afraid descriptions will slow down the action (which of course does not have to be true at all!). I will see what I can change, thank you, again, for doing this :)

 Report Review

Hello again! Sorry for the delay between reviews. Things have gotten a little hectic recently.

Plot: I normally don't start with plot, but I feel the need to right now because I WAS RIGHT. I KNEW, I KNEW, that she was going to be pregnant! I'm brilliant! Whooo! :D Actually, though, obviously, I HATE that plot development. I'm so upset about it. Because I HATE Kat. And now she has to stick around for even LONGER. Ugh. What a pain. Other than that, great chapter! I loved that you showed James's reaction to his unexpected news through his inability to concentrate during the Quidditch match. Well done!

Characterization: OKAY. So, we've got James and Gwen here. First off, I think this was one of the best chapters for both of their characters. I loved the emotions you showed in both of them. Very realistic. I adored Gwen worrying about him when he wouldn't tell her what was wrong, and then getting REALLY mad at him when he wasn't playing well. I thought that was spectacularly believable. And then she says she'll help him anyways. :] So sweet. Though, if I were her I would just punch Kat in the face and be done with it. Not really, but still. :P And James! Yay for James having real feelings in this chapter! I think he was much more believable here than he's been in previous chapters. I like how he notices that this is HUGE and changes so many things. I wonder what he was going to tell Gwen before this unfortunate development...

Descriptions: Great job describing the game. I always suffer writing Quidditch scenes. :P You did brilliantly. And I liked that you got the emotions down as well (as I've mentioned). There could be more details about Gwen's injury (how it felt, etc.), but other than that, well done!

Interactions: LOVED the arguments between Gwen and James. She's always the one to stand up for herself, which is awesome. James was pathetic in this chapter, honestly, but I think it added a lot to his character. And I loved that Gwen was going to support him as his friend, even though she realizes that this ruins her chances with him.

So far, so good. This chapter practically ruined my night though, even if I knew it was coming. :P My prediction is that Kat's not really pregnant. OR it might not be James's kid. Since she wasn't the most...conservative girl ever. And then, if it IS James's kid...maybe Kat will get hit by a bus and he can take care of the baby on his own with Gwen? *crosses fingers* OH MAN. OKAY. New prediction (besides my favorite which is that she's not really pregnant): it IS James's baby, but she'll cop out on him after having the baby and leave. That'd be great. Anything to get her out of the story. ;]

Okay! So, I'll read more ASAP. Or when I've forgotten how much this chapter bummed me out. :P

--Emily

Author's Response: Don't worry about it! My life has also been hectic, that's why it took me this long to respond!

Plot: Yep, you were right d: I'm glad you liked some of it even though not the plot twist. Let's just hope everything will turn out right in the end d:

Characterization: Haha, yes. This chapter was sort of a turning point for him. I'm glad you think you think his feelings seemed real! That's such a nice thing to hear. And also that Gwen's emotions about it all were realistic! ^^

Descriptions: Yeah, I thought of that when I wrote that scene, but she doesn't really like to complain about such things, not even by herself. Her whole concentration was on the game and she just brushed it off. But I'll think about it once I edit this the next time! Thank you for pointing it out. I'm glad you liked everything else!

Interactions: Glad you liked that ^^ she does that, well maybe not always, but most of the time d: And yeah, I agree, he was really pathetic in this one (and will continue that in the next few d: ) but Gwen really would do everything for him.

Haha, I love your little premonitions d: we'll have to wait and see if one of them is correct! But thank you so much for your lovely and helpful review once again!

Hope to see you soon ^^

 Report Review

Hi again!

Characterization: Okay! So we have Lucius and Siobhan, as well as Adeline in this chapter. By the way, I love all the names you've chosen. :] Lucius was just as good as usual. I liked the flashback where we got to see his younger self. Siobhan was quite interesting. I liked that she was a Ravenclaw. I feel like that's the only House that would be believable (besides Slytherin, of course) for Lucius to befriend. I liked the flashback where we got to know her, and I'm curious as to where she really fits into the rest of the story. Adeline was also good. I liked seeing her insistence that Lucius make something of himself. That made a lot of sense to be. She would want him to be successful and impressive. I'm not positive she would want him to actually get a job though...

Descriptions: You know my detail-rant. ;] It would help to get more physical descriptions of the characters and setting. And, of course, how things feel, sound, smell, etc. It will help bring things to life.

Emotions: I was a little unsure about Lucius's feelings in this chapter. I couldn't tell how he felt about Siobhan or his mother. It was a little disappointing not being able to follow how he was feeling, so I definitely encourage you to try to show that more clearly.

Plot: Well! I feel like this chapter was a little bit out of the flow of things, but I could still follow what was happening. It was interesting to learn about Lucius's past with Siobhan, and it was also interesting to see that his mother wants him to get a job. A little odd, there. Overall, good job!

Interactions: I thought the interaction between Siobhan and Lucius was really sweet. I was happy for him to have someone to talk to. His conversation with his mother was frustrating. I wonder how he'll handle her demands.

This was another well-written chapter. You're doing a good job. This one broke up the flow of the main plot a little, but not in a terribly awful way, if that makes sense. Either way, keep up the good work!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hey :)

Okay, characterisation. I actually wanted Siobhan to be weird and wonderful at the same time. She turns the book character over, actually - she's superficial and not very intelligent, but I wanted to give Narcissa a worthy rival of sorts here. She's a Ravenclaw - a witty, clever girl who has much more insight than most people think. Adeline is the typical pureblood female, but her son, she feels, needs to establish himself so that he can get carted off. In their society, at his age, he should probably be married by now. She might not want him to get a job, but it depends on what her definition of 'a job' is.

I understand what you mean about the descriptions to help with the setting. I agree, it helps the reader to visualise. This chapter bothered me a lot with that particular aspect. Regarding his emotions, I am inclined to agree with that as well. I thought about re-writing this chapter because I wasn't entirely satisfied with it either. Yes, of course the premise still stands. I understand why you're disappointed.

Yay, at least you liked that interaction. I liked writing that as well, but I believe things went a bit down from there :(

I get what you mean, and I'll try to get it sorted out .

Thank you so much for your critique, and being so nice about it! Unfortunately this response isn't as long as your review was, or the response for the other review.


Lia

 Report Review

Hello again!

Characterization: Okay, so we've got Lucius and Sage in this chapter once again. I actually think you handled them both really well! :D I was happy to see that neither of them were perfect or anything like that. And Lucius's impatience with Narcissa is actually starting to grow on me. She's such a pain in this story! I liked that Sage was honest about being out after hours, but she was headstrong too. She didn't cower. Awesome!

Descriptions: You know my detail rant. There are a lot of opportunities in this chapter for extra detail. I think you did well at the part where Lucius was feeling nervous during his patrol. I definitely felt his panic. Great job! Most of the emotions came through for me in this chapter which is a great bonus.

Plot: Okay! So, I felt bad for Sage during the potions class. What a bummer! Remember that Slughorn was actually the professor during this time, though, so he probably wouldn't have been so harsh on her. Disappointed, for sure, but not mean like Snape. And then I liked the part where Lucius was admiring the extravagence of the Heads' Dorm. Very well done! His patrols were quite interesting! I thought it was strange that he agreed not to write her up, though. At this point, it's unclear whether or not he likes her. I guess he does, but it seems a little sudden. And then him wanting to tutor her? THAT was out of the blue! Hmmm.

Interactions: Well! I actually really liked that Sage stood up to Lucius when he wasn't being overly friendly in the halls. And it was a bit odd that he wanted to tutor her so abruptly, but the interaction wasn't too awkward, so I can't complain too much. ;]

Okay! So far, so good! Be sure not to rush the relationship in the next few chapters! Keep up the good work! :D

--Emily

 Report Review

Hello there! I can't believe there was a new chapter to this story and I didn't see it!

Characterization: Ahhh! I love everyone so much! I think Angelina and the other Gryffindors are still perfectly on par with where they should be. Wonderfully impressive as always. And I really think you hit Umbridge on the head. Absolutely perfect. She's such a creep!

Descriptions: You do such a great job of setting the scene and showing everything that's going on. I really feel like I'm in the story. I loved your descriptions of the Quidditch practice. Great job!

Emotions: Ahh! LOVE that we're seeing more of the original George/Angelina moments. Whoa, DA! Loved that that was in there. And Angelina's embarassment over her crush was so sweet! She's adorable. :]

Plot: I adore this story! Like...endlessly. You have no idea. I just love it so much! :D I'm so happy that I found this through my review thread. Definitely the best George/Angelina, and also one of the best written stories that I have the pleasure of reading. I loved that this chapter was so versatile, plot-wise. We got in the Quidditch practice which was cool (especially seeing Harry and Ron from Angelina's POV). And then we've got Umbridge creeping (though, I did think it was odd when she was talking about Angelina's head of house and she said, "McGonagall, right?" as if she wasn't sure). And then we have a class! Which people tend to forget that Hogwarts is actually a school. :P But you didn't! Yay! (Another odd moment when Umbridge had to check Flitwick's name on her papers.) And then we have the wonderful moments where Angelina tries to dodge talking about her crush on George. Which was wonderfully sweet. Great job!

Interactions: Love all the moments between Angelina, Lora, Alicia, etc. You show their friendship wonderfully. And, of course, the twins are great whenever they show up. Perfectly in character, too!

You're doing spectacularly, as always! Keep up the great work! :D

--Emily

Author's Response: Ahh!! I am glad you did see it, though. I updated in during one of the HC tasks, I think, so it probably snuck by unnoticed ;)

I'm so glad that you continue enjoying my gryffindor girls! They are so much fun to write. And Professor Umbridge... she's such a creepo. I worried about writing her some, so it's very reasurring to hear that she seemed on key.

I'm so glad that the descriptions seemed as fluid as normal... there were so many scenes that I needed to fit into this chapter that I worried that the discription would fall by the wayside. And Quidditch. Ergh. Bane of my existance, pretty much.

Ahh. About the confusion-factor with Umbridge... I just sort of imagined that she was so far absorbed by the ministry's goals that she doesn't pay much mind to the workings of the world around her.

I'm so glad that you continue to enjoy this story!! I really appreciate that you continue to leave me such thorough and thoughtful reviews.

Thanks!
Melissa

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D You'd thought I had read this chapter already, but it turns out I hadn't. So...off we go to the review now!

Continuity: Well, I've never read "Sense and Sensibility" (I never seemed to be able to get through any of Austen's books, actually...), but I wanted to ask about something. I know this is AU, so Sirius's age and the order of the Black sisters (reversed from canon) were necessary changes, but was the squandering of the Black family fortune also part of the plot adjustments? I was just curious, honestly. It seemed so strange to me that their family crypt would be so decrepit, but I completely understand if that was for plot-reasons. :]

Characterization: Okay! So, mainly we have Lucius in this chapter. And I definitely want to applaud you on how you're writing him! I think you've woven a very realistic character. Out of curiosity, how old is he at the moment? I like that you're showing his struggles as he goes through everything and figures out how to handle it all. Well done!

Descriptions: I think I had a very poignant idea of how everything looked in this chapter. I liked your descriptions of the incense and how it affected Lucius. Good job! You really helped show his emotions about his father's death and the difficulty of what he's going through ws obvious. Well done.

Emotions: I liked Lucius's emotions, but it was harder to see Narcissa's. Perhaps she's hiding her feelings, but I think she would have lost a little bit of composure at her father's funeral, perhaps. Maybe not, though. Hmm...I can't decide.

Plot: Well! I liked the funeral scene. Before that with all the Blacks and Malfoys and tons of other characters (the scene where Sirius came in), I was quite confused. I didn't really understand what was happening as things got quite muddled. :/

Interactions: Hmmm, interesting scene with Bellatrix being the one to lose her cool. I liked her relationship with Narcissa. The interaction between Narcissa and Lucius was a little awkward, but not terrible.

Another well-written chapter! I'll read more soon! Keep up the good work. :]

--Emily

Author's Response: Hello again :) Oh, for some reason I thought I'd re-requested, but I scanned through and was very confused indeed. Anyway, here you are, and here's my response :)

I read the movie to this a few years ago, and when I got this book for the challenge, I re-watched it, then decided to pick up the book. Filmmakers tend to muddle details sometimes. The Dashwood family (my basis of the Blacks) had a dwindling family fortune . Mr. Dashwood should have inherited from his old uncle at whose home he lived, but when the old man died he left all his money for his . Mr. Dashwood's eldest child from his first marriage (that would be our Orion) got what was left, along with his mother's fortune which was left for him. With the remaining money, and the rest of the estate (house, grounds, etc) passed on to him when his father died, leaving the girls with next to nothing. If those assets are liquefied then the family would have more than enough. The Black family crypt looking the way it is described was used to emphasise the unfortunate situation the Black sisters and their mother have fallen into. This Black Family isn't necessarily the same one we know from canon. I've manipulated things too much for it to stay like that.

I'm hoping to switch perspectives every now and again to get a feel of different characters :) Lucius at the moment is twenty-three years old. Narcissa is nineteen, Andromeda is seventeen, and Bella as you would have read, is thirteen (but perhaps I might change that). I like to think that trying to come to terms with all that has happened to him - even if it has been five or six years. I'm thrilled that you like him so far, he's not the easiest character to work with.

You know, someone told me a while back that using senses to stimulate memories would be helpful, and I did it for this. In my personal experience, incense is very heavy, and I don't like the smell of it. Lucius doesn't either, for more reasons than I, especially having his father's funeral to be the first time he smelt it too. It's a good trigger.

It's a fair observation, to be honest. She might not have boded well since she loved her Papa so much, but from the character I'm basing her on, she does try to hide her feelings a lot. Even if she's hurting, she'll try to pull herself together to support the others. I did try to get into her head a bit, where all the swirling emotions are. We'll get to see more of that later :)

Oh. Hmm. I'll re-read it to see where you're coming from. I was trying to be subtle, but it seems that didn't work. Heh.

I'm trying to include her more, even if she's the youngest. She already is emotional and head-strong, so is Andromeda, but you haven't met her yet :P Awkward in a good way, or a bad way? I wouldn't expect them to be immediately drawn to each other. It was an awkward situation from the start, and a sensitive one.

I'm so sorry this is so late, but I had to gather my thoughts on this one. I hope this sheds some light on some things. I'm happy to explain anything else.

Thanks for reading!


Lia

 Report Review

Hello again!

Grammar/Spelling: Same thing I mentioned about a beta reader! :D It will help a lot, I promise.

Characterization: Okay! So, we've got Rosie-dear in this one. I think you're doing quite well! I have a younger sister and I can totally imagine her getting embarassed at sixteen if my parents wanted to say goodbye to her on the platform. Then again, she's a Slytherin on Pottermore, so I guess we would have disowned her anyway. :D Kidding! Sort of. Anyways, well done!

Descriptions: Same thing I mentioned about bringing this to life with details! That could also really help lengthen the chapter which would help a lot. This was impossibly short. :[

Emotions: I liked that I could sense Rose's embarassment and disdain for her family in this chapter. Good job! If you lengthen it, make sure to show other emotions too.

Plot: So, this chapter was really, really short. I'm sure you could add more in about the train ride or other things that happened before you cut it off. It would help keep the plot moving forward and keep up reader interest. :]

I think you did pretty well with this chapter, despite the fact that it was short. Keep up the good work!

--Emily

 Report Review

Hello there! This is DracoFerret11! You asked me in a review to come check out your story...so here I am! :D So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: Okay, so, first off I'm going to suggest that you see if you can get a beta reader. If you join the Forums (link on the homepage of HPFF), there are people there who volunteer to read your stories for you to check for grammar, spelling, etc. There were quite a few issues in this chapter, so that's how I propose you fix them. :]

Continuity: Only one issue here--Hugo is a year or two YOUNGER than Rose. So if this was her first year at Hogwarts, he wouldn't be there yet, unless they were twins (which isn't canon, but you're always free to make it AU). ;]

Characterization: Okay! So I like how you wrote for a group of eleven year olds! I absolutely cannot manage writing for children. I mess everything up. :P I liked that you seem to have a pretty clear idea of each of your characters' personalities. That will help you in the long run!

Descriptions: Okay, this is something that I tell literally every author I review for--details, details, details! BUT, know when to put them in! It's important to bring your story to life with little tidbits about how things look, sound, smell, feel, etc., but you don't want to bog them down. I liked that you mentioned that the platform was crowded and smoky, but then you got a little bit too concerned with telling how each of the girls looked. It's important for us to know what they look like, don't get me wrong, but you don't need to tell us all the details right away. Instead, you could have something like, "Dom introduced a girl named Caitlyn. I smiled at her and shook her hand. She smiled back and tossed her black hair over her shoulders, laughing a bit. "Nice to meet you!" she said." Get it? So that it's not like, "This girl looked like this. This girl looked like this. Etc. Etc." :D

Emotions: Okay! Here's something else that you can use to bring your story to life. Try to show how the characters are feeling, especially Rose since she's the MC. Somehow show her excitement. Maybe something about how she is a little nervous to leave her parents. But don't TELL the readers that--SHOW them. Maybe she smiles nervously or wrings her hands together and her palms are sweating. Maybe her heart beats faster as she boards the train for the first time. Etc.

Plot: Okay! Good beginning! Many stories start off like this and it always seems to work out well. :] You definitely have something here that will get readers interested in seeing what happens next. The stormy interaction between Scorpius and Rose will definitely inspire people to want to see how things go between them. ;]

Interactions: So many characters! Okay--I liked that you seem to really grasp the dynamic between the girls. That's good! The interaction between Scorpius and Rose was a little awkward since they're already enemies with no real reason to be. Keep in mind that even Harry and Draco have reached a mutual understanding and have a certain degree of respect at this point. It's Next-Gen, so not all of the old prejudices exist. ;] You don't want things to get cliche!

Style: So, this might actually have to do with pacing too, but I have a pointer for you. :] This chapter seemed quite rushed. There wasn't a real goodbye between Rose and her parents, you didn't take too much time describing her finding a compartment, and there weren't too many transitions that helped things move along. The result was that the chapter seemed to go by a little too quickly. My tip for you is to slow things down. It's okay to daudle with details a bit. You can describe things more and slow down the action so readers have time to acclimate to the story. :]

Okay! Well, I hope this wasn't too harsh! I really like to try to help people improve, but I hope I didn't get TOO nitpicky...I'm so sorry if I did! Don't be discouraged, okay? We all improve as we go along. You're doing quite well already! I'll read the next chapter soon and give you feedback on it too. :] Keep up the good work and you'll see yourself improving in no time!

--Emily

 Report Review

Hey Jami! I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to finish reading this chapter. It was definitely a doozy for length. :] So, here are my thoughts:

Grammar/Spelling: Throughout the whole chapter, I only noticed a few errors and none were particularly distracting. There are a few there, though, if you were curious enough to want to read through and find them. :]

Characterization: Okay! Characters gallore! We have Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, Belle, Alice, and McGonagall. Did I miss anyone? I don't think so. Okay, minor characters first: Alice was quite sweet! I liked her a lot. She's just how I would imagine. And I think you hit Remus's character perfectly. I absolutely loved the scene where he found Lily crying and comforted her. It almost inspired me to write a Lily/Remus fic. And then I remembered that I love Lily/James too much. :] Belle was pretty good! You're handling an accent well (something that I absolutely fail at). I like the idea of her and Sirius together. Quite cute. :] Sirius himself was also very in-character. I think you're portraying him very believably. I wasn't too sure on McGonagall. She didn't seem unrealistic, per say, but I couldn't imagine her approving a party in a billion years. And James would have received a letter telling him about his captaincy, so that was a little non-canon too. As for our main players, James and Lily: I like that Lily acknowledges why she hasn't immediately gone to James, even though she knows he likes him. That was wonderfully explained. And I like that James isn't perfect. You're showing his transition from troublemaker to "guy that Lily would fall for" really nicely. Great job!

Descriptions: You know my detail rant. :] It's hard with this chapter since the length is already quite daunting (I'm actually afraid it might scare away some readers :[ ), but it might have been nice to see more of how things look, feel, smell, sound, etc. There were a few really great scenes (your descriptions of the party, for instance), but there were other parts where the details were just glazed over.

Emotions: Hm! Well...there was quite a bit happening in this chapter. I thought it was really believable that Lily would lose her temper with James when he interrupted her studying. She reminds me of Hermione. :] The scene where she wrapped him in a blanket was a little awkward, though. And then I liked her conversation with Remus, but I felt he probably would have been sadder (ew, I hate the word "sadder"). He's talking about how his life was practically ruined, after all. And I really loved the flashback with Lily's mom. I think you hit the emotionality of that perfectly. And I adored Lily's jealousy at the end. Terrific.

Plot: Okay! Super long chapter! So. I like that there was ALMOST a moment between Lily and James, but she was really just teasing him (cliche, but you did it well). I wasn't sure about McGonagall approving the party, as I said before. Seemed a bit farfetched. Liked the Lily/Remus scene. Quite interesting with the Prospects! I love that nickname, by the way. It's eeire in a way. I think you wrote it wonderfully. It makes me quite curious about how Bellatrix got in (the creepy jerk). I'm interested to see more of that! And great job working in the canon about Snape and Lily's ruined friendship. Whooo, canon! The party was quite interesting. I think James would have tried harder to get that girl off him, though. He adores Lily too much to want any other girl hanging off him. And then this new Durmstrang bloke. Hmmm. We'll see where things go with him. Seems shifty, but who's betting Lily falls for him? Sighhh.

Pacing: Okay! So, even though this was a massive chapter, it didn't rush things. Great job! I hate when things move too quickly. I liked that it all flowed together, despite the fact that it was quite lengthy. That's impressive.

Okay, so, other thoughts: I think you're doing well with this story. I don't know if I've ever succeeded in reading a chapter this long, haha. It IS quite daunting. I know that's scary to hear, but I'm quite worried that the length of this one might put people off. :/ If you ever DID want to split it up, I think that the best place to do that would be right after the conversation with McGonagall. The part that ends with, "...things that would not be permitted at Friday's party." It's up to you, though! I got through the chapter, so I'm sure other people will too. :]

Okay, I think this is one of the longest reviews I've ever left. It's actually over 800 words long. That's ridiculous. So, I'm done! :D I'll read more ASAP!

--Emily

Author's Response: You MIGHT enjoy McGonagall's actual reasoning a bit more in chapter 5 when that's revealed, it's nothing huge, just showing her sentimental heart at work :P. The letter as Captain was kind of the same deal as the Heads letter. Dumbledore wasn't quite positive what to expect from Lily and James when the returned, having known everything they went through, and offering these things face to face after first watching them for a bit gave McGonagall and Dumbledore the chance to see if they would be overburdened or okay with it. I'm happy you pointed that out because maybe I should try and make that a bit clearer?

I know I know, it's such a huge chapter! I just can't bring myself to split it up... but I love the idea of where you suggested it being divided, so if I do ever make it into two, it will probably be right there! Thanks for the great suggestion :)!

Bahaha keep an eye on Alrek :P. I'm happy that despite the length it followed! Honestly, as soon as I complete this story, there's a solid change I will split those two. But I just can't to it yet... blah. I'm such a big baby.

I think Lily may surprise you in this. She's a very smart and self aware girl... but Alrek does get involved in the picture in a certain way ;).

If you're interested to see more along the lines of Bellatrix getting in and the Prospects you'll LOVE the next chapter. It starts out from a brand new PoV...

The Death Eaters are something I will be focusing heavily on in this story, because they are the entire reason Lily and James end up the way they do.

This was an amazing review, thank you so much for taking the time to do it. And I promise no more chapters over 8,000 words. I'll even try and keep them closer to 5,000. This was very detailed and helpful, I'm so happy to have you - you're an awesome reviewer.

I'm going to go over the points you pointed out soon and see if I can work anything around to make McGonagall and Remus fit in better :)!

Thanks again!!

Jami

 Report Review