Reading Reviews From Member: DracoFerret11
  
967 Reviews Found

Review #1, by DracoFerret11About Saturday: About Saturday

14th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Valentine's Day Competition! :D Sorry it took so long...anyhow, let's go over things:

Spelling/Grammar: Only one error: "student cam striding in" where "cam" should be "came."

Plot: This was an interesting story! I liked the idea of Remus having a girlfriend and how his transformation would affect that. It must be very difficult to keep it a secret! You might want to work in ways he's had to get around her knowing. :) I liked the story overall, but I was a little confused about the ending. I'm going to read your partner's story next and that might clear things up, but it did confuse me a bit how this story seemed to cut off at the end.

Characterization: I think you did a great job characterizing all of the Marauders. I liked that Peter even got a line! I wonder, though, what it means by "James's 'phases.'" That was a bit too vague for me. And I'm not sure the emotional conversation between Sirius and Remus was believable, but I still think I liked it, if that makes sense.

Descriptions: I think it would have helped me get into the story better if I had had more details about how things looked, sounded, smelled, etc. so that I could experience this alongside the characters. :)

Overall, I think you did a good job. A few tweaks will help improve this even more! :) Good luck on the competition!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you for all this feedback SO, SO MUCH. This is amazingly helpful and constructive and just...thank you thank you thank you! I love this review!

-Karou

PS Thanks for the luck! :)


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Review #2, by DracoFerret11Sapere Aude-Speed Dating Entry: Prudentia

13th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Valentine's Day Competition! :D Sorry it took so long...anyhow, let's go over things:

Plot: This was a nice story! I liked that I could see how it tied in with your partner's story, as well. Good job! As I told Rumple, I loved that you both chose to write about the moment when the Founders met up to form Hogwarts. Interesting choice!

Characterization: Good job writing for each of the distinct characters. I thought it was interesting that Rowena was so close to her servants. That was unexpected. The ending seemed a little odd on this story, though. I thought Salazar actually WOULD look at her condescendingly since he actually DOES look down on her. Hmmm.

Descriptions: I loved the details you provided about how Rowena and her home looked! Great job! It was so nice to be able to get into the story and experience it.

Style: As with Rumple's story, you did a great job with the style of a Founders' story. You captured the language and mannerisms wonderfully and I really enjoyed reading this.

Overall, great job! Good luck in the competition.

--Emily

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Review #3, by DracoFerret11Vox wuod Sanctimonia; Speed Dating Entry: Cupiditas

13th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Valentine's Day Competition! :D Sorry it took so long...anyhow, let's go over things:

Plot: Great job capturing an interesting moment in the Founders' lives. I really liked that you showed the day when they all met up to discuss the school. Hearing the justification behind forming Hogwarts was really interesting. I also really liked the interactions between all the characters. The casual, offhanded conversation between Godric and Salazar really showed their friendship and I liked that a lot. I also liked the other ways you showed their characterization, like Salazar being quick to judge, and Helga being talkative. Rowena's characterization was good too! The mention that she was "more like a man than even other men" was particularly striking. Good job!

Descriptions: I think I would have liked more details about how things looked, sounded, smelled, etc. I loved the initial description of Salazar's home, but after that, there was a lack of detail about the characters and other settings. Giving more information to readers can really help bring the story to life.

Emotions: I really loved how bitter Salazar was, how understanding Godric was, and how you characterized Helga and Rowena. Well done!

Style: Wonderful! You grasped the air of mannerisms and speech of this time period spectacularly. I loved reading this story and think the way you wrote it was a large part of it. I would even be interested in reading more in this style if you were ever to continue it. Well done!

Overall, great job and good luck in the competition!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hey there!

I'm sorry it took me so long to respond, I've been in a no-responding slump, and this is nearly a month late!

One of the things that I wanted to emphasize on Salazar's side was his friendship with Godric, and his bias towards woman. You're right in saying that this needs more details, and I could have definitely worked that into the word-count limit, as the story is nearly have of the maximum.

Thanks so much!

-Rumpel


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Review #4, by DracoFerret11Herbology and Hearts (Speed dating entry): Herbology and Hearts

13th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Valentine's Day Competition! :D Sorry it took so long...anyhow, let's go over things:

Spelling/Grammar: I only noticed one error which was, "nodding at he heard things" where "at" should be "as."

Plot: This was a very sweet story and I really liked how it tied in with your partner's story! Lysander was great to read, and his budding relationship with Lily was really sweet. I liked how he stood up for his brother and how all he really wanted to do was sit by the Lake. Great job! Really cute. :)

Characterization: I really liked how you characterized Lysander. He was very distinct from his twin in the other story and I liked that a lot. I also liked that he was somewhat like Luna, insofar as he was quieter and more eccentric. And Lily was so sweet. I feel like they would make a good match.

Descriptions: I think I might have liked more details about how things looked, sounded, felt, smelled, etc. There was that good, solid scene in the greenhouses, but after that, I felt like the story was a bit rushed and I had a hard time getting into it and seeing what was going on.

Emotions: I liked the moment when Dom finally listened to Lysander, but it seemed a little too perfect, you know? I sort of felt like she would fight him on it more. But I also really liked how Lily kissed Lysander and proved that their relationship really had a chance. Very sweet. :)

Overall, this was very cute and I liked it a lot. Good job and good luck in the competition!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hi Emily! Thanks for stopping by :) I hope you're enjoying reading the speed-dating entries, I read them all and they're amazing.

I'm really glad you liked the plot and the characterisation. Both were a joint decision between me and my partner, we wanted to write them a little different than they usually are, not both identical and carbon copies of Luna, you know? I had a lot of fun writing about their differences :)

You're absolutely right about the description. I think I tried to get too much plot in the story and then remembered about the word count limit for the challenge so it took a bit of a hit :/

Thanks for pointing out the typo, I'll fix that asap :) I'll bear in mind your comments about the description and the ending too (once the results are posted and I'm not restircted in word count :p)

I'm pleased you enjoyed it overall, thanks for the review! :D


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Review #5, by DracoFerret11The Best Valentine's Day Ever - Speed Dating Entry: Carnations and Cakes

10th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Valentine's Day Competition! :D Sorry it took so long...anyhow, let's go over things:

Plot: This was positively adorable! I really think you captured the spirit of the competition in this story and I really liked the way you tackled this pairing. The date itself was something to be expected, but the cute interaction of the characters made this unique. Well done.

Characterization: I loved the contrast you created between Lorcan and Lysander. I think it's too often that people make twins carbon-copies of each other, and I liked that you didn't do that. Good job showing the uncertainty that Lorcan felt at first, paired with his later confidence and how those both affected him. Dom was sweet and caring and I liked that you avoided the conceited/self-centered trope that I tend to see when people write about her.

Descriptions: I liked the small details you added in about how things looked around Hogsmeade and how the characters looked, etc. It helped me feel like I was in the story.

Emotions: I really liked the reactions that Lorcan and Dom had to the mishap. I think they were both realistic and that you really showed their embarrassment very well.

Interactions: There were a few moments where things got a bit too cheesy for my own liking (such as the ending, haha), but I think you pulled this off. It's a Valentine's Day story; it's going to be fluffy. :)

I think you did quite a good job! Well done and good luck in the competition!

--Emily

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Review #6, by DracoFerret11A New Life - Speed Dating Entry: A New Chapter in our Lives

10th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Valentine's Day Competition! :D Sorry it took so long...anyhow, let's go over things:

Continuity: There were a couple of things that didn't make perfect sense to me in this story. 1) Petunia says that she has "shared the house with a consequence of his actions for eleven years." If she's talking about Harry, doesn't she mean more like 16-ish years? And 2) Petunia "felt Vernon's familiar scent" which should be "smelled" his scent or something. But not "felt."

Spelling/Grammar: Only one error that I noticed, "The fresh air might be a good chance" where "chance" should be "change."

Plot: This was so sweet! I really liked the chance to read a story about how the Dursleys felt about leaving their home. You showed a much more affectionate version of Petunia and Vernon that I had never considered before and I think it was quite sweet. I really liked seeing them try to form some sort of new life together even after so many changes. Well done.

Characterization: I really think you portrayed Petunia and Vernon well. I liked that there were still strict, perfectionist-type qualities to the two of them, but I also liked that those qualities were affected by the changes in their lives. I think that's quite realistic. The affection between them threw me off at first, but I actually think I liked it.

Descriptions: I liked that you had some details about how things looked, etc. It helped ground me in the world of the story.

Emotions: This was really nice. I loved seeing how going into hiding affected Petunia's psyche. It was interesting to delve into her mind and how she just wanted things to be how they were before and she was frustrated and scared and hurt that they couldn't be.

Overall, well done! Good job and good luck in the competition!

--Emily

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Review #7, by DracoFerret11A Poem for Petunia : A Poem for Petunia

10th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Valentine's Day Competition! :D Sorry it took so long...anyhow, let's go over things:

Formatting: There are really large gaps between the sentences/paragraphs of this story which made it really tough to read. Maybe you could edit this and change that? :)

Plot: This was an interesting take on the prompt! I had never really considered how Vernon and Petunia would have been when they were younger. I liked seeing Petunia through Vernon's eyes, as well as how Petunia thought of herself in relation to Lily. The one question I had about the story was: what actually happened to Vernon's shirt? I thought he was puked on, but Petunia reflects that she saw someone spill a glass of wine on him. Which was it? Other than that, I liked it. :) I especially liked that Petunia went looking for Vernon. There was something simple, but sweet about that.

Characterization: I think you definitely pulled off these characters! I really loved them both! Amazing job. Petunia was spot-on with her reflections about Lily and comparing herself to her sister. And Vernon's pride in his accomplishments was so perfect. Really, amazing job.

Descriptions: I liked the details that you added about the party, how things looked and sounded and smelled. Wonderful. I also liked seeing each character through the other's eyes, especially the descriptions of Petunia.

Emotions: I really liked the moment when Petunia decided to do something brave and go after Vernon. That showed an agency that we rarely see in her character and I appreciated it a lot.

Interactions: The final moment of the story between Petunia and Vernon held just the right amount of awkwardness. I was wondering what you meant by "CROUCHED in his car on endless evenings." Why the word "crouched"? For some reason that didn't make sense to me.

I think you did quite a good job with this story. Well done and good luck in the competition!

--Emily

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Review #8, by DracoFerret11Double Trouble: All's Fair in Love and War

10th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Valentine's Day Competition! :D Sorry it took so long...anyhow, let's go over things:

Plot: This was very sweet! I could see how it linked together with the companion story and I liked this one even better! It was very sweet to see Fred and George talking to Mrs. Weasley about their marriage. Her reaction was very believable and I loved how they responded to it. One of them thought about his now-wife at one point and that was really sweet. :) What happened at the end with the cake, though? That was a tad confusing...Did it turn into bugs like the other story mentioned?

Characterization: I think you did well clarifying some of the questions that I had about the last story. I liked that I could see Fred and George's playful, prankster side in this, but there was also still an element of romance. Well done!

Descriptions: I think I may have liked to see more details about how things looked, sounded, smelled, felt, etc. I did get a brief, sort-of-description about one of the girls, but other than that, I had trouble picturing this story.

Emotions: I mentioned that moment where one of the Weasley twins thinks about his wife; that was really cute. And Mrs. Weasley's emotional reaction was believable.

Overall, this story was quite sweet. Well done and good luck in the competition!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks for the unexpected review! Tickled me pink! How can you say sorry for taking so long on a review I didn't even know was coming? hehehehe

Ah, thanks. We did try to link the stories together. I think the time-constraints made that difficult, hence the "Challenge" part of it. Given more time, we could have worked out a few of the details better.

Glad you thought Mrs. Weasley was believable. She's such an over-the-top character in real life, it can be hard to walk the line of keeping her in character, or turning her into a cliche.

I know working in details about the girls was my weakness in this story. I was running out of time and just couldn't really do it justice. I had another section to this fic that delved a little more into the romance side of things, what the girls were like, etc, but it just wasn't working. And it ruined my cake ending, so I took it out.

As for the cake? Well, I was implying that it exploded, all over Aunty Muriel. Again, probably should have been better at the details on that. LOL.

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Made my day.



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Review #9, by DracoFerret11Double Trouble: A Twin Affair

10th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you for the Valentine's Day Competition! :D Sorry it took so long...anyhow, let's go over things:

Plot: I like the idea of this story! I think it would be cute to see Fred and George's joint wedding if Fred hadn't died. :/ I wish I had seen more about how the relationships had evolved, though. It was rather vague as to how everyone ended up together and how long they'd been together, etc. Also, I was a little confused about the ending, though. Was the wedding a prank and they aren't really married?

Characterization: I couldn't really keep the girls straight, but I suppose that's sort of the point. I liked that Bill was in on the plan! And everything that Fred and George did to set it up was cute. :)

Descriptions: I could really visualize the goofy outfits that Fred and George were wearing, as well as Bill. I wasn't too sure why there was Caribbean music at an Egyptian wedding, though. Other than that, I could definitely see the crazy wedding.

Emotions: I wish I could have seen more about how each other characters was feeling. I got some insight into Molly's emotions, but everything else was a little too vague, especially the feelings of everyone who's getting married!

A few things could be tweaked and fleshed out to make this story come alive, but other than that, I really enjoyed it. Well done and good luck in the competition.

--Emily

Author's Response: Hi!

Thanks for R&Ring, I'm glad you liked the story. The wedding itself was not a prank, them hosting a ridiculous wedding under the pretense of a regular party was the prank. And their names were supposed to be confusing. The wedding itself was meant to be a strange blend of several different types of wedding ceremonies.

As for lacking details, I couldn't get them to fit within the limits, and if felt uncomfortable putting only fragments in. My half of the story was more introducing the wedding and the relationship. My partner showed more affection and explained the why.

Thanks again for reviewing!

xoxo Sarah


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Review #10, by DracoFerret11Valentine's Day - The Year After / Speed Dating Entry: I.

9th March 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for the Valentine's Day competition! :) So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I only noticed a few errors in the chapter. 1. "couple of weeks have been" where "have" should be "had" because I think you're speaking in the past tense there; 2. "well to the honest Evans" where "the" should be "be;" and 3. "position took the less amount" where I think "less" should be "least," but I'm not positive.

Plot: Overall, this was a sweet take on the prompt. I liked seeing Lily's half of their story and enjoyed the way you showed them getting together. I think she and James were both pretty believable and I didn't have any real, significant problems with either of their characterizations'. I liked that I could see Lily's uncertainty and James's subtle mischievousness. Well done!

Descriptions: I think a few more details about how things looked, sounded, felt, smelled, etc. could help bring this story to life!

Emotions: I really liked that I could see Lily's hesitation at the situation and I could feel their relationship growing. The interaction where they finally kissed seemed a little sudden, but knowing that the tension had been building helps to make it more believable.

Overall, good job! Sorry it took so long for me to review thing. Thanks for participating in the competition!

--Emily

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Review #11, by DracoFerret11Speed Dating Entry - Valentine's Day: Valentine's Day

21st February 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for the Valentine's Day competition! :) So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I didn't notice very many errors except this one: "with and empty spot" where "and" should have been "an." ;)

Plot: What a sweet idea! :) I'm sure there are lots of Lily/James Valentine's Day stories, but I honestly haven't read any of them, so this was my first exposure to the couple on this particular holiday. I like that you chose to write about the year BEFORE they got together. I feel like that isn't something that is often explored when writing about a holiday. I like that you mentioned that Sirius is hiding from girls. Cute. :) The scenario of making a new potion was a bit odd for me, but I don't think it was bad, per say.

Characterization: I think it might have helped me to have more depth of character in this story. There's a lot of dialogue, but I didn't really get too far into how James and Lily are feeling. There are brief hints, but nothing significant to make me feel attached to them, you know?

Descriptions: Along with what I mentioned in the last bullet point, it could help to add more details about how things look, sound, smell, feel, etc. That would make readers "experience" the story more, rather than just reading about it.

Emotions: Same as above. Try to make your readers FEEL what James and Lily are feeling. Dialogue is great, but having emotion behind it will really bring it to life.

Overall, this was cute. With some polishing and fleshing out, I really think it can be even better! Thanks for participating in the competition!

--Emily

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Review #12, by DracoFerret11Prison Hearts - Speed Dating Entry: Prison Hearts

21st February 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for the Valentine's Day competition! :) So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I only noticed a few misspellings in the story. On the first line, "trying to catch my eye as it he would" where "it" should be "if." Also, "than it was good target" where "than" should be "then." Final thing: I saw that you've spelled Rodolphus wrong throughout the story, using a "u" instead of an "o" at the beginning of his name. ;)

Plot/Characterization/Descriptions: I love how this story fit with its companion piece! Great job. You really showed prison life well and captured Bellatrix's character. Since most of the story occurred in Bella's head, I think it's more apt to talk about the characterization. I really think you did a great job with it! She's such a creepy character and you showed that so well. I also loved the little details you added about how things looked, including characters and setting, and about the things Bellatrix does to amuse herself. Like killing rats. Ew. Overall, you definitely created a world that I could see and understand. Well done.

Emotions/Interactions: Normally I don't clump so many categories together, but I think it works for the review of this story. ;) So, anyhow, I think you did a good job showing Bellatrix's adoration for Voldemort paired with her dual ambivalence and passion for her husband. Since all the interactions were thought about retroactively, I've paired them with her emotions. You definitely showed what she was feeling in relation to how she thought about her relationships with Voldemort and Rodolphus. Good job!

Style: I like how you managed to show the creepiness of Bellatrix's character even through the style of writing you used and the added moments in italics. Impressive!

Overall, I think you did a great job. I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for participating in the competition! Good luck!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hello! :)

Thanks so much for pointing those out, I've gone through and fixed them. :) The Rodolphus mispelling was so odd, I changed it to that spelling because I'd double-checked it somewhere, clearly not at a reliable source. :P I blame Roddy for having such a tricky name!

I'm glad you liked how the stories fit together! I had a lot of fun writing her and imagining how things might unfold in her head. It was a rather psychological piece since she was trapped, and I'm glad you liked seeing how she passed the time. Hehe, I love the ew reaction - that's just what I was hoping for. :)

Emotions and interactions together makes perfect sense with this one! I'm glad you liked the emotions and how she sees Voldemort and Roddy. It's wonderful to know the emotions came across well.

I had a lot of fun toying with the style a little! I'm glad you liked it! :)

Thanks so much for the wonderful review, I had a lovely time with the challenge and really appreciated the staff organizing and orchestrating it. Thanks! :)


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Review #13, by DracoFerret11Just Give Her the Stinkin' Rose! ~ Speed Dating Entry: Enough Power to Power a Shake Weight

21st February 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for the Valentine's Day competition! :) So let's go over things!

Grammar/Spelling: "Rodolphus" is spelled incorrectly in the summary, and you've missed quite a few commas, apostrophes, etc. Getting a beta reader or even going through this yourself again might help. :)

Plot: This was such a goofy plot idea! :) I really think it was sweet that Roddy wanted to do something for Bellatrix for Valentine's Day. I wonder if he was doing it because he genuinely cares for her or if he's going a bit loopy in Azkaban. Either way, it was sweet.

Characterization: I think your characterization of Rodolphus was pretty good. He was a little sillier than I ever imagined, but it worked with the story. I wonder if he really would have used the threat of knowing Voldemort to get his way, though. Especially if everyone "knows" (thinks) that Voldemort has been destroyed.

Descriptions: I think it might have helped to add some details about how life in the prison looked, smelled, sounded, etc. to help ground readers within the world of the story.

Emotions: Rodolphus's love for Bellatrix was really sweet. He moved from cute to "threatening," though, very quickly, so the threatening aspect didn't come off very well for me.

I can't wait to read Bellatrix's side of this story. Overall, with some minor changes, I think this will be a great story. What you have is cute, and with some improvements to the quality, it will be even better.

Thanks for participating in the competition!

--Emily

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Review #14, by DracoFerret11Mistletoe Mishaps: Christmas Trickery

12th January 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :) I actually finished reading this a while ago, but I'm just getting around to reviewing. I'm sorry! Anyhow, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I noticed a few errors if you wanted to fix them when you get the chance. :) One, you wrote: "the rest of htem and Bellatrix need to find out what it was" which should have said, "the rest of them, and Bellatrix needed to find out what it was." Then, you wrote, "Come one you two!" instead of "come on."

Continuity: Just one issue from canon to this story. You labeled Voldemort as the "recently appointed Dark Lord," but no one "appointed" him. He took power and gained followers, etc. So maybe, "recently risen" or something similar.

Plot: Bellatrix is such a creep. :P Ick! But you wrote her very well and I liked the fact that there was a certain about of naivity and innocence about her. I usually forget that she was a young woman once with hopes and dreams and delusions. She was just Bellatrix-y enough to still be believable, but different enough to make this story fun and interesting. Sirius is such a goof! I really liked reading about him. I imagine that would be a HUGE blow against their relationship (which was already bad to begin with), so I like that that sort of explains their canon-conflict. Well done!

Descriptions: I really enjoyed the details of the party that you included, such as Walburga's necklace and mannerisms. You did a great job painting a picture for me. Well done!

Emotions: As I mentioned, I really loved the naivity in Bellatrix's character. I feel like she would have been even more livid about Sirius's prank, though. I wouldn't put it past her to hex him for that.

Interactions: I loved the scene at the beginning with the three sisters. I never though about shortening "Andromenda" to "Andy," though. That seemed a little too informal for the Blacks, but I liked how you created a relationship between the three girls.

Overall, good job! I enjoyed reading this. :)

--Emily

Author's Response: Wow! This was such a wonderful review to read! I cannot believe that you reviewed EVERY SINGLE entry! That's amazing!

Okay, I'm calming down now. I guess that I'll respond to this in accordance to your wonderful categories.

Spelling and Grammar: I'll definitely get down to fixing those up. I wrote this really quickly in order to get it posted in time for the duel deadline and it's about time I sat down an corrected it. Thanks for pointing out the specific errors, it makes my job much easier to do!

Continuity: Aah, good point. I hadn't really paid attention to that. Voldemort is the self-appointed Dark Lord so I should have probably used a more appropriate word. Thanks!

Wow, thank you for the compliments regarding the Plot and description. I felt like there were very few stories around here that focus on Bellatrix as a young girl. Most people see only one angle to Bellatrix- her insanity and evilness, so it was quite fun bringing another angle of her character into consideration.

Emotions: I think that Bellatrix's reactions were a bit muted simply because it took her a moment to get over the shock that Voldemort was actually Sirius. After the shock wore off, the first thing that hit her was the sheer embarrassment of it all. Not only had Sirius caught her openly displaying her affections for Voldemort, she had also declared Sirius as the "awesomest" person in the world. I think that was why she hadn't immediately hexed him, although she could have done so in the near future of the story :P

Interactions: I am so glad that you liked the relationship between the Black sisters. I have a sister of my own, so I thought that I could put some of my own experiences into the story. I thought that Andy would be a good nickname since Narcissa was shortened to Cissy and Bellatrix to Bella. It seemed rather odd to keep referring to Andromeda by her full name, but perhaps it is a bit too informal. Thanks for the advice!

Thank you once again for this completely mind blowing review. I cannot stop smiling right now! Thanks!


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Review #15, by DracoFerret11To Save a Slytherin: To Save a Slytherin

11th January 2014:
Hello there! I just happened to find your stories through your MTA while moderating on the forums, and I ADORE Dramione, so I thought I would give them a read. I'm starting with the oldest and moving forward, so this is the first! I review everything I read, so hopefully I can be of some help. So, let's go over things:

First Random Thought: This is marked as a short story, but I think it would be better labeled as a one-shot. ;)

Second Random Thought: Why did Colin Creevey have a picture of Draco?

Plot: You definitely tricked me! I was so upset thinking that Draco had died, and wondering how Hermione was going to live away from the magical world and all her friends, but the ending was so sweet. I'm so happy he lived and that they'll be together. It was really lovely. Well done. :) Only, I've had the realization that Hermione will never be able to tell her friends about her life and I think she'll miss them eventually... :/ Hm.

Characterization: Hermione was spot-on! I never expected her to be such a good actress, though. I was surprised that Ron agreed to let her leave, but thinking on it, I bet he would want her to be happy. I don't know if she could have lied to Harry as well. And it was a little surprising that she chose to leave her friends, family, and life for Draco...hmmm. Draco was pretty good, but the pet-names he used for Hermione (although sweet) detracted from the scene in my opinion.

Descriptions: I loved when you set the scene of Hermione sitting alone at the window when Ron walked in. I would have liked to have more imagery about how things looked, sounded, smelled, felt, etc. after that scene though. It all moved a bit quickly and I couldn't quite orient myself.

Emotions: Wow! I was so touched at the beginning with the explanation of Hermione helping Draco. That was so sweet. And the ending! YES! I love Dramione. I'm such a sap.

Interactions: The friendship between Hermione and Ron was really, really well-written. I loved their hug before she left, and the line, "The embrace of two friends that had been through far too much." Gah! That was just so sweet. I wish I had had more of a moment to understand the relationship between Hermione and Draco before the end of the story, though. Such as, how and when did they get married? What is their bond like, exactly? They've only been speaking for a few months, after all. Or, at least, that was the impression I got. Just a bit more explanation would help.

Style: The only thing that bothered me in the story was the sporadic use of italics. It really didn't seem necessary and was quite distracting from the actual plot and dialogue. :/

Overall, though, I think you did really well! This was a short, sweet one-shot and I enjoyed reading it! Expect other reviews from me in the near future!

--Emily

Author's Response: DracoFerret11 (Emily) :)

Well, first it is wonderful that you found me from the Forum my fellow Dramione fan! Although, to me, you picked the wrong story. LOL! XD This was one was written in a rush 2 years ago with a limited word count because it was done for a contest on another site. Jay asked for HPFF'rs to do it, so I hurried and wrote something. And I'm not sure if this really qualifies as an actual story. :D I've done so much better since this was written. I do hope you read one that I'm actually proud of... "When a Wizard Grieves" or "Winds of Azkaban" or if you really want to read something of length, you can try "Delilah's Black Book of Poems." People REALLY seem to love that one. I should probably delete this story, its so terrible.

Anyway for this story...
You are right about the one-shot. I went ahead and updated that.

Creevy: In my mind that little kid would've taken pictures of everyone and everything, so it would be okay for him to capture Draco looking at her. That's all.

Plot. Yes, I just couldn't keep him dead. I wanted him to live in hiding. To me, I figured that she will not be away from friends forever. This is only a temporary thing until things die down and Draco starts new.

So glad that you liked their characterizations. I do try to keep in line with their personalities so that they are believable. She won't be away from them forever. They just need some time away. And the pet-names. Sorry, it was a bit fluffy at the end there. ;)

Thanks for mentioning the beginning at the window. That was actually my favorite part, and again, this was really rushed.

Emotions: Well, if you do try my other stories (mentioned above) you will see some very emotional stuff between these two. I love writing (and reading) sad stories with a little bit of hope at the end.

Ah, yes. I don't hate Ron. I just want Hermione with Draco, that's all. :) With everything that they went through, that is how I see them... deep friends.

Yes, I was rushed to finish and did not go into any detail of Draco and Hermione's relationship. That is why I originally left this as a short story, thinking I'd come back and elaborate in the next chapter. But, I never did and so it remains as is. I was going to elaborate that no one would visit him after the war, not even people that he thought were his friends. He was close to suicide when she arrived. They would've talked in depth about everything during the war and she gave him the idea of living... albeit hidden for now so that he could rebuild his life. I should've used "fiancé" instead of bride. He really wasn't sure if she would actually show up and he called her 'bride' because that is what he wanted her to be soon. Should've fixed that bit. Sorry. :)

I do tend to use italics more than I should. I'll take note of that for future. :)

Thanks so much for the in-depth review and CC. It is a wonderful conversation with me and I appreciate it so very much. I just wish you'd picked a better story of mine. LOL!

Hope to see again sometime. Hurray for Dramione!
Dark Whisper





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Review #16, by DracoFerret11He Kept Christmas Well: He Kept Christmas Well

10th January 2014:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to attempt to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D I actually read this a while ago, but I'm just getting to reviewing, sorry! So, let's go over things:

Plot: This was a really interesting take on the prompt! I totally understand that the word count limit didn't allow it, but I wish I had more of a back story about what happened to Harry and how no one ever found him or noticed him in Spain. He doesn't speak Spanish either so I wonder how he got around...I've been to Spain, and the people there definitely don't speak much English. I actually loved that when I was there, but I wonder how a non-Spanish speaker would feel in that country. Also, I wonder how Ginny's family let her fall away from them after such a difficult experience. I would think they would bring her closer to them. She must have been very persistent in pushing them out of her life...

Characterization: I think you wrote a broken-Ginny very well, but it really surprised me that she fell apart without Harry. I'm not a huge Ginny fan, but she always seemed so strong to me, and she had her kids to still look out for. Letting herself go is something that surprised me. Albus and the Weasleys were very good, and memory-loss-Harry was great. Very realistic as someone who doesn't remember his family. It was awkward in a good way.

Descriptions: I liked the details that you provided about the lack of decorations at Ginny's home and the atmosphere at the Burrow. Overall, you did well in this category! :)

Emotions: I really liked that I could feel how empty Ginny was feeling. She seemed very realistic in her handling of loss (even though I don't know if she, specifically, would react that way--I can see a wife acting that way about her husband). The reunion with Harry wasn't as dramatic for her as I thought it would be after not having seen him for so long.

Overall, well done! I'm glad I got to read this.

--Emily

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Review #17, by DracoFerret11Mixed Feelings: Flying Forks and Bathroom Talk

29th December 2013:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Plot: This was an interesting story! It was a bit difficult for me to get a real feel for any of the characters since it was so short, but I liked the premise. If you had a chance to expand this later, it would be nice to know more about the background of Henry Allen, Roxanne, and the other characters. It would also be nice to get more "into" the story (see "Descriptions" below).

Characterization: I think you wrote Roxanne well, but I wasn't too sure why she was so hostile towards Henry Allen when I can't really see what he's done to her. He seems like a nice guy...

Descriptions: It would be nice to have more details about how things look, sound, smell, feel, etc. It would help readers to get into the story and really feel like they're experiencing the events.

Emotions: I understand that Roxanne is angry at Henry Allen for "invading" her Weasley family Christmas, but I wasn't really sure WHY she was so angry. Haven't any of her cousins brought friends/girlfriends/boyfriends to the holiday before? It just seemed like a bit of an overreaction without too much background.

Interactions: The ending scene was a little odd. I was convinced she really didn't like him, but she kissed him anyway? Hmm.

Overall, I think this is a good basis for a story, but I would like more explanation of how things got to this point so that I could understand the events better. Other than that, good job and good luck in the Duel!

--Emily

Author's Response: Wow, thank you for the review! If I ever consider doing over the story after the Duel, I'll take your critiques in consideration. I whipped this up fairly quickly, so it's not as developed as I would like. I've always been terrible at describing people and places since I assume everyone already knows what they look like- I know, it's a bad habit. :P Thank your for the lovely review!

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Review #18, by DracoFerret11Big Meanie: Big Meanie

22nd December 2013:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Plot: This was a funny take on this prompt, and I thought it was really cute. Normally I don't like stories with children in them prominently, but I thought this one was pretty good. Albus and Lexi were funny and believable and I could definitely see this happening. I assume "Theo" is Theodore Nott (who I ADORE because he features hugely in my story, "Rule Breaker"), and I like that you made a former-Slytherin friends/coworkers with a former-Gryffindor. I love that dynamic.

Characterization: Really good job with the kids. I don't think I could write for anyone under the age of sixteen. That's about as far back as I remember, so that's about as far back as I could write. :) But you did a great job creating very distinct characters and giving them unique voices. Well done.

Descriptions: I loved seeing the world through a child's eyes. It was interesting the choices you made in what Albus noticed and didn't notice. Really cool.

Overall, this was cute and funny and I think you did a good job. Good luck in the Duel!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hey, Emily!

I'm glad you like my take on the prompt; the idea came to me as soon as I saw it and it seemed different, so I had to go for it. :) Theo is Theodore Nott, I love him so much that he had to be in it. He's very good friends with Harry, for reasons that make sense in my headcanon. I'm glad you like that. :D

Kids are easy for me because I have a big family of all ages, so I can draw from them, you know? Plus Al reminds me of me. :P

Thank you so much for leaving a review!

Sam.


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Review #19, by DracoFerret11Life, Love and Laughter: Life, Love and Laughter

22nd December 2013:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Plot: This was such a sweet story! I really loved it. The idea of Arthur doing good deeds for Muggles is so believable. I thought it was a bit odd that he just assumed a stray dog wouldn't be vicious...and that the family let this random stranger into their house, but other than that, it was really cute.

Characterization: I think you hit Arthur's character spot-on. It was really cute for him to be doing good deeds for Muggles and working to preserve Fred's memory. And I loved seeing him amidst his ever-growing family. So cute. :)

Descriptions: I think you did a good job describing the scenes throughout the story, though some of the characters didn't get many details about them. Just remember to emphasize how things look, sound, smell, feel, etc., and it will really bring the story to life. :)

Emotions: I was really sad to realize that Polly had leukemia, and I don't know how I felt about the fact that wizards can cure that and haven't done so in the past...it made me uncomfortable. Good job creating the holiday cheer, though. :) Really cute.

Overall, this was lovely. Good job and good luck in the Duel!

--Emily

Author's Response: Thanks for stopping by!!! I really appreciate the thoughtful review. It's this kind of critique that gives me things to think about and helps me become a better writer.

I had thought of the dog issue in passing, one of the web pages I follow showed a rescue at a puppy mill, and a dog that was just as friendly as can be right off the start. Kind of like Harry- takes all kinds of abuse but he never loses his heart. I think Arthur's personality would be very careful with what kind of dog he put with a young child (unlike oh... say Hagrid...) so I guess I just relied on that. As for Arthur charming his way into the house, yeah. Good point. Write it off to Christmas magic? Sure. We'll go with that. ;-)

I could have done more with smells etcetera, especially once back home at the Burrow, where it is likely to smell of Molly's cooking. I could have done that easily enough with the few hundred words I had left.

Regarding the emotions, I'm sorry to make you sad! My intent was to communicate a desire to help and a willingness skirt the international statute of secrecy to help out. I'm sorry it didn't come out that way.

Thanks for the kind words and the critique. I really appreciate you taking your time and giving me things to think about!

Have a great holiday.


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Review #20, by DracoFerret11Polaroids: Let me In

22nd December 2013:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: So, there were a LOT of errors in this. I've tried to list them for you so that you can improve the quality of this story, but I couldn't catch everything. You missed a lot of commas that I didn't record, but I've got most of the spelling errors. I would really suggest that you get a Beta-Reader.
--To begin with, there are a few mistakes in your summary. First, "tragedy" is misspelled, and second, "son's" should have an apostrophe. Other errors that I noticed include:
--"She couldn't even bare to look at him." where "bare" should be "bear."
--Also, "she merely moved forward to hopefully met her" where I think you mean "meet" not "met"?
--"loosing feeling at her knees" which should read "losing feeling in her knees."
--"their sons eleventh birthday, when no letter had came." which should read, "their son's eleventh birthday, when no letter had come."
--"had fallen into the wrong crowed" where it should be spelled "crowd"
--"more dangerous then his parents life" which should say "than his parents' life"
--"man looses hope" which should be "loses"
--"not wanting to abadon his connection" where "abandon" is spelled incorrectly
--"trying to emerse himself" where it should say "immerse"
--"thrashing around were she lay" where it should say "where"
--"i am so sorry, I'm weak and a fool, oh Draco, i am such a-" where you didn't capitalize the "I"s for some reason...
--"loosing no time" where it should be "losing"
--"in his arms and for once" where "and" shouldn't be there
--"pushed away remained was that her son" where "remained" shouldn't be there
--"horrible mistake at the morticians" where it should be "mortician's"
--"for the life that lead to his demise" where "lead" should be "led"
--"tapped to the whiteboard" which should be "taped"
--"bare bringing you into this" again, should be "bear"
--"for now, lets rest" which should be "let's"
--"was lead by her towards" which should be "led"
--"whispering in her ear" which should be "his ear"
--"and then kissing his wife" which should be "kissed"

Plot: Okay, I'm sorry that first bullet point took so long. On to the actual story! So, this was an interesting take on the prompt. I wish that you had explained a bit more about how Scorpius died, but I was really touched that Draco and Astoria were going to search for his wife. But it was difficult to understand how they got to this point and what the background of this story was.

Characterization: I think you did a good job explaining Astoria's character and her reasons behind abandoning magic. Good job with that! And Draco seemed believable, although the dialogue was a bit too stilted.

Descriptions: There weren't many details (besides the mentions of the cold) about how things and people looked, sounded, smelled, felt, etc. It would be nice to know what Scorpius's wife looked life, how Astoria's expressions were, etc.

I think you have a good story here, but it needs some polishing in the grammar/spelling department. Also, if there were more of a background, I think I would be able to understand it more. Other than that, good job and good luck in the Duel!

--Emily

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Review #21, by DracoFerret11Broken Silence: Long Nights

22nd December 2013:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Syntax/Spelling: I only have two things to mention here. One, that I think you might use the word "shriek" too many times. ;) And two, that the female version of the word "fiance" (accent won't show up) has a second "e" and is spelled, "fiancee" (with the accent on the first "e" still).

Plot: This was a really interesting take on the prompt! I haven't actually read very many stories that include Dominique, so this was really interesting for me. Good job creating the dynamic between the sisters. I can see my own little sister reacting like this in this situation. I wonder why Teddy couldn't have just waited to propose, though...Anyhow, I really liked that Victoire was the one to go and search for her sister. I feel like I would be too angry to do the same. :/ Anyhow, very solid plot idea and good execution!

Characterization: Again, I liked the sister-dynamic between Victoire and Dominique. I could really relate to that, since I have three sisters myself. Also, I liked Teddy. :) But I feel like he wasn't very understanding of Victoire's situation. Maybe it's because he's an only child, but I just didn't feel like he was being supportive, which made me a bit sad.

Descriptions: I think that I could feel the emotions of the different characters, but it was hard for me to picture the scenarios and characters. I was a little unclear on where they were or how anything looked, sounded, smelled, felt, etc.

Overall, good job! I liked your take on this. Good luck in the Duel!

--Emily

Author's Response: Great job! I wanted to try and review all of the stories, but as it does sometimes, time got ahead if me :(

Ah, okay :) I thought it might, but got confused whether that was in French or English as well. I'll edit that in later :) and I'll definitely look to a thesaurus for shriek :) thanks for pointing that out.

I love writing Dom. She can be interpreted in so many ways. But, in both my stories she's come off as a negative character. But she's really just a drama queen. Yeah, Victoire is a bit guilty so she's go :)thanks so much!

Really? That sounds awesome! I'm an only child, so I was super nervous about how that would work in the story... But thanks so much! Yeah, Trddy is a bit awkward- he knows what to so but he doesn't understand the situation Vic is in :)

Hm, thanks for that note. I've actually got that a few times, I'm going to go edit that in my document and put it up later :D

Thank u so much! That was a lovely review to read!

-ReeBee


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Review #22, by DracoFerret11Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot: Of New Year's Resolutions

22nd December 2013:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Plot: First of all, I was SUPER excited to see that this was a Dramione story. I adore Dramione. It's my OTP. ANYHOW, I really think you did a great job here! When Hermione's resolution was first mentioned, I thought it would be something like getting pureblood-centric laws erased, or evening the world for Muggleborns. When I realized she had never found her parents, I was so sad for her! I could barely believe that she wasn't able to, but I was so happy that Draco had made it his goal to help her. It was a little unclear just WHY he decided to do that, but it was sweet all the same.

Characterization: I think Hermione's character was pretty close to canon. I could see her becoming a bit hardened since losing her friends and parents in the war. Draco was a lot kinder than you would expect, but of course, time changes people (as does Dramione ;) ), and I'm completely fine with that. I wonder, though, why Ron was never coming with Hermione to these parties. Even if their relationship eventually dissolved, wouldn't he have wanted to go with her?

Descriptions: It might have been nice to have more details to describe how things looked, sounded, felt, smelled, etc. to bring the story to life. There were a few details here and there, but I was having trouble imagining some of the scenes.

Emotions: I really felt bad for Hermione's loss, and touched by Draco's caring. I think you definitely pulled off his attitude towards avoiding letting her know what he was doing. It wouldn't be very like him to reveal his intentions without knowing if they would work out. So great job there.

Interactions: I think it might have been nice (though I totally understand the time limit and word count limit didn't allow this) to see more of the moments between Draco and Hermione before their big "moment" when she realizes what he's done and they kiss. Since we didn't get much of a back-story, that was a little sudden. I still love Dramione, though, so I don't mind too much. ;)

Overall, this was wonderful. Great job and good luck in the Duel!

--Emily

Author's Response: DracoFerret11,

Well, hello from the Forums! You are truly an amazing human being to be reviewing all of the Writer's Duel entries! That is a wonderful thing and a true gift you give in reviewing so much… and a wonderfully detailed review at that!

Dramione is my OTP as well. It baffles my mind that so many have bashed it over the years and some even hateful. It is crazy that they cannot see the amazing possibilities that these two have. So, welcome my fellow shipper. :D

The WHY he decided to help her... I think he would have felt partially responsible, although indirectly. And, I think in working with her, they would have gotten to know each other on a professional level and gained each others respect that way, even if they did not agree with each other on everything and in spite of their past. They are not kids anymore and both have changed. I think given their new-found closeness and with him finding out about what she did, I think he would have helped, but secretly.

Thank you for mentioning Hermione and Draco's personalities. Draco, to me has grown and his priorities rearranged. I can see him being kinder to her, even if they never became friends. He owes the Trio much, I think. And yes, Dramione has the power to change minds, right? ;)

Ron, well, I nearly typed out her thoughts on the matter when he was at the very door of her hotel room, but didn't. In my mind, Ron always made plans for New Year's that did not include her. She had to be with the firm, but he did not. He didn't like the people, the stuffy atmosphere, Draco, or being away from his own friends. To me, it caused a rift in their relationship and caused her to become insecure and accusatory. When the queue reopens, I may just go ahead and add that in to clarify.

Descriptions: Yes, I agree. I should have taken more time to describe their surroundings. But you are right, word count and more importantly, I was in a mad RUSH to get this in. I also had a new chapter of my novel that I HAD to get in before the queue closure. The chapter in my novel was set on Christmas Eve, so trust me I was nervous to try and post both!

And Draco, yes, secretive and self-preserving Slytherin as he is, he would not want anyone to know if he failed.

Interactions and their sudden big moment: For me, this story actually was over the course of 2 years. And I completely agree that I should have elaborated on them getting closer throughout the last year. I certainly do not want it to seem sudden. So, I will probably go back again and add a little bit. I think I do have some room with word count, but NOT MUCH!

Thanks so much for the in-depth CC and for your lovely review. I shall consider revising based on your comments.

Good luck in your endeavors to read/review them all, Emily. You are a dear for doing it.

Sincerely,

Dark Whisper


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Review #23, by DracoFerret11You, Traitor: You, Traitor

22nd December 2013:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Plot: Wow! This was really, really lovely. I don't frequently like Peter-stories, but this was so well written and believable. I loved the guilt that I laced throughout the story, and the fact that you didn't make him turn into a rat directly after the confrontation with Sirius. It was very believable to think that he would go on the run as a human first, before resorting to life as a rat. The flashbacks to past New Year's Eves were so moving. It made me want to write a story about the young Marauders on the edge of a new life...before everything was taken from them. That's just so tragic and you really did it justice.

Characterization: I think you captured Peter perfectly. A little weasel-like, a bit jumpy, but also intelligent and cunning. I always wonder how he ended up in Gryffindor, and this kind of explained it. He thought what he was doing was brave and the right decision. He was just very, very wrong. Young Percy was a little weird for me, but I could accept that. I think kids are terribly difficult to write for, so your interpretation isn't too hard for me to accept.

Descriptions: I didn't really get too many physical or sensory details about the people and places, but I don't know if I minded that. Yes, I think it could HELP to add things in about how things look, sound, smell, feel, etc., but the subtle things were really good too.

Emotions: Wow. Peter's guilt was really moving. I honestly started to feel bad for him. What people tend to forget about Peter is that he was once very good friends with the other Marauders and Lily. He was their confidant. He was one of them. And betraying them had to create some sort of horror in him, even if we don't like to accept that he wasn't completely evil--only Voldemort really is (and maybe Bellatrix). You definitely showed a complex character here and I liked that a lot.

Interactions: The only thing that was a little weird for me was the moment where Peter met the Weasleys. It was a bit hard to understand what they were doing in a random field, and why Percy wanted a gross, wild rat. If that were my kid, I would never have let him touch Peter. And when Peter decides to go with him, his reasoning wasn't quite sound for me. I think he came to all the right conclusions too quickly. It would have been more believable if he thought that he was gaining a safe-haven, and maybe they could provide him with useful information. But the thoughts of how old Ron was and when he'd go to Hogwarts, and how he "would obviously" be friends with Harry and then he would learn information--that was just too much for me. It just didn't feel realistic.

Despite that hiccup, overall, I think you did a really good job with this story. Good luck in the Duel!

--Emily

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Review #24, by DracoFerret11gone.: he wasn't gone.

21st December 2013:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Plot: This was really lovely. I liked that you used Muggle OCs to describe such a terrible time in the wizarding world. I didn't even realize the full impact of everything happening until the end, and I love stories like that. They blow me away. So wonderful job with the set-up and delivery. I was really impressed.

Characterization: Your female OC was so relateable. I liked that I could really feel her emotions and the gravity of her situation. It was moving and sad and really great. I wish the man at her door had gotten a longer moment. I think it could have helped readers see how disconnected the woman was feeling while dealing with the loss of her fiance. And then you threw in Hestia and Moody! Ahhh. That was so sad. I don't even know how to react right now. :(

Descriptions: I think I might have liked a few more details about the characters and settings (thought not the female OC--I sort of liked that she was ambiguous and could have been anyone.) But it would have helped me to connect with the final scene more if I had been able to "see/experience" it. I could see the flat-scene, but not the one at the end.

Stylistically, this was really, really pretty. I liked how you cut things up and let the emotions control the story. It worked really well and I was very fond of the effect that it created. Overall, amazing job and good luck in the Duel! :)

--Emily

Author's Response: Hello other Emily! :D

Ah, I'm so happy you liked it! I think that by using Muggle OCs I managed to convey how terribly the war affected Muggles. I wasn't actually aiming for the huge reveal or something that would blow you away at the end, but I'm glad you experienced that. ;)

I'm so glad you could relate to my MFC, I was hoping she wasn't unrealistic because I was worrying more about the plot and hoping it tied in with my prompt so I only edited my OC a bit before sticking this into the queue and hoping for the best, haha. Hestia and Moody sort of just walked into the one-shot and my face was something like O_O Ah don't be sad! *sends chocolate*

I was aiming for a sort of bleak narration to reflect how the woman was feeling, but I definitely agree that the end scene could have been fleshed out more. Once the queue reopens I'll edit that, thank you! :D

I'm so happy you liked the style I wrote it in, I wanted the emotions to play a really dominant role in this piece and I hoped that the sentences would help with that. Thank you so much for this lovely review Emily! :D


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Review #25, by DracoFerret11Loved One Lost: Loved One Lost

21st December 2013:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: There were only a few things that I noticed were wrong. One, you wrote, "She was sure the Crookshanks would be fine outside," instead of "that Crookshanks." Also, you refer to Crookshanks as "it" several times, instead of "him."

Plot: This was cute! I figured out early on that the missing "baby" was Hermione's cat, but I LOVE cats, so I totally understood why she was so upset. Also, I've gone through pretty much the same situation--thinking the cat got out, and really she's hiding in the house somewhere. Very realistic! Loved it.

Characterization: So, I think you wrote Hermione very well. She seemed very canon, as did the other characters. Ginny and Harry only appeared briefly, so I might have liked for them to have a few more lines or something to make them more of a part of the story, but it was good all the same.

Descriptions: I liked the little details about the dark house and neglected decorations. It could have helped to say how everyone's facial expressions looked, just to enhance their feelings. Other than that, great job!

All-in-all, this was really charming. I loved that you did a different take on lost-loved-one prompt. I would be devastated if my cat got out when it was so cold. So, well done, cute story, and good luck in the Duel!

--Emily

Author's Response: Thank you for the review.
When I saw the Winter Challenge posted on the account page, I went to the forums to see what the challenge was. This plot seemed to pop in my head as soon as I read the entry #4 paragraph. I wrote it in a few hours and only reviewed it briefly before posting it. So I am amazed there are only a few SPaG errors.
I could see Hermione going into a panic about Crookshanks running out into the cold, and Ron, Harry, and Ginny dropping what they were doing to help her find him. The three of them would be supportive but also not exactly excited to be trudging around in the snow and cold looking for a cat with a heavier coat than they were wearing. That was one reason I held back on the facial expressions. I didn't want to reveal their emotional state or purposely mislead the readers.


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