Reading Reviews From Member: Arithmancy_Wiz
  
239 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Arithmancy_WizBefore They Fall: A Servant's Attack

18th July 2013:
I wouldn't have skipped this chapter even if you'd paid me! Where to even start...!?

Wow, the opening started with such a bang! That last line of Alrek's was absolutely chilling. Actually, he had so many creepy lines in this, it's hard to know which ones to single out. I really, really liked: No, lovely Lily, you're going to understand what it's like to vant to die before it happens. *shiver*

And everything about the James/Violet interaction was spot on. I'm so glad you continued with that unwitting idiot vibe for her, at least in regards to what she's gotten herself into here. In contrast to what's really going on, it puts her shallow games in such context. She isn't a horrible person. She's a self-absorbed, hormonal teenager who has no frame of reference for the bigger stakes of what's going on around her. She walks away looking far less a villain and much more...pathetic. A really great exploration on your part of all those people (ie., most of the world's population) that fall somewhere between good and evil.

All that said, I'm still with James. If she'd been a bloke, I'd have wanted to knock her silly too!

The attack itself was terrible and horrific, but in all the right ways. It was hard to read in that you didn't hold back, but also gripping at the same time. You know she has to come out of it alive, but you really do make us wonder just how close to death she's going to get. And I think you hit a great balance of her wanting to live versus just wanting it all to be over. I liked how at the end, she stopped thinking and just started doing. I think that can happen in life or death situations. An instinct to survive kicks in, and here, it seemed to be just enough to fight him off.

I know it's almost a side note in the grand scheme of the chapter, but the ending? Wow! I loved it. Nothing anyone could do deserved the kind of punishment Bellatrix was capable of giving. Terrifyingly true. You hate Alrek and what he did, but unleashing Bellatrix on him... And Alrek and Karkaroff are related?! Was I supposed to know that? If I was, I totally forgot. If not, I loved that added twist. The ONLY suggestion I could make on this section is that this might have been another "cut for space" area. You could've ended on Voldemort's revelation that Karkaroff had to finish Alrek off. Nothing wrong with this ending, but the reader has no illusions about Alrek's fate. The rest could have been left to the imagination. Just trying to help you spot these "opportunities" for the next story.

Two other quick bits of CC -- which makes it seem like I'm picking on this chapter, which really was, IMHO, one of your best so far. I thought you jumped into the "terror" a little fast. A few lines in and Lily is already completely horrified. She's not wrong to be. Alrek was on their list of suspects, so I know Lily would have figured out pretty quickly this was a bad situation. But in that moment, I think there is something to be said for being so surprised, you can't put the obvious pieces together. And from a writing standpoint, it also allows you to up the stakes as the scene progresses. If she's already overcome with horror when he summons her wand, it doesn't leave her much place to go when he actually has his hands around her neck.

Last, be careful with passive voice. Well, I'm not sure it's exactly passive voice, but I think that's the closest grammatical-y term :P Example: Silence followed, the music of the flames as they crackled and devoured the logs being the only thing to fracture the quiet air. "Being the only thing" is a bit of an odd phrase. Something like: Silence followed, the quiet air fractured only by the music of the flames as they crackled and devoured the logs... it's easier on the eyes and brain. I've noticed you tend to slip into that sort of phrasing on occasion when the words 'being' and 'becoming' are involved. Not a major issue or anything, just something to keep an eye out for.

I'll say it again: Wow! This was just a wow chapter up and down. You really nailed the climax here. And I know what's still to come, but I love the way you've left this feeling like the danger has momentarily been subdued...

Just typos. Amazing job, my dear. Really, really well done.

-- "...And why are you wearing..." his eyes traveled over her... (wearing..." he began, his eyes.../ wearing..." His eyes...)

-- ...before she could duck out of the way he made contact with her cheek, his knuckles assaulting the fragile bone (way, he made)

-- Oh God (Oh, God)

-- ... she rushed to the fireplace and slid the long, metal poker from it's holder (its)

-- She broke into a sob, pulling her wand out a muttering a spell James hadn't heard of (wand out and muttering a spell James had never heard of/James had never heard before)

-- "Sorry," he shouted, his skin ... (should probably be an ! and not a , if he shouted it)

-- With one loud bang the remaining wood disintegrated into ashes... (bang, the)

-- But she couldn't couldn't risk the air, couldn't risk the pain (remove double word or add a comma or dash)

-- Her mind escaped from it's moment of lapsed control and she felt like she was somewhere else... (its)

-- It was like someone covered her with a cloud, gentle and soft as it lifted her body up
(love this imagery, but should probably be: It was like someone was covering her with/like someone had covered her with)

-- Professor McGonagall's voice became lower, hushed so that Lily had to stain her ears to hear the rest (strain)

-- "And what's going to happen to him," James asked... (question mark, not a comma)

-- But this evening there has been an occurrence in which I find a necessary time to gather us all together (awkward wording; consider rephrasing)

Author's Response: Becky!!! I'm on a review response spree before I go to the grocery store. Ah, the things i do to avoid that place.

I thought that line was a good way to start us off on a creepy note, so I'm really excited it gave you a bit of the shivers!

I love what you said about Violet and agree to it completely. She isn't bad. She's just so self centered that she doesn't understand not everything caters to what she wants. It goes to that old saying, if it looks too good to be true it probably is. She thought the set up was perfect with Alrek, not even letting herself consider what could be behind it. At least, that's what I wanted it to come off as!

hahaha she should be happy that the fact she still has her teeth is because she was born a girl :P. Or that it was James there and not Belle. If Belle was there, Violet would have been in bad shape.

Not holding back was definitely helped by Dan. I would send him a scene and he would tell me nope, turn it up. I would turn it up then again, nope... more. He really pushed me to go far with this, and the result ended up a lot better for it, I think. It wasn't supposed to be a little scary bit, but a full out attack that she honestly thought she might die in.

I'm SO happy you liked the balance between her wanting to fight and her wanting it to be over. It was tempting to have her just strong all the way through, but it didn't feel realistic. How could, if in that situation, someone not just want it to be over a tiny tiny bit? I was worried it would make her come across as too weak, so it's a huge relief that you think it felt right as well.

Hahaha no you weren't supposed to know they were related! That was my own little twist. I'm excited you liked it! I was going to have one of his parents involved when I first started planning all this out, but having him just be related to Karkaroff enough that they were blood, but not enough that anyone would know, was more fun.

Ohhh that would have been a good place to shorten it! Okay, I need to get better at spotting these for book two! No more 250,000 stories, haha!

No, it doesn't feel like you're picking on this chapter at all! It feels like you're trying to help me clean up my stye and writing, and that's exactly what I want. Oh my gosh. I'm so frustarted right now, because with your comparisons to the passive (or close to it) voice, and not passive, it's so easy to see the difference. But not I'm frustrated thinking that I won't be able to spot it while I'm writing. I'm going to make that a new goal, because the second version of that sentence is much clearer.

I'm so excited you liked this chapter Becky, and thank you so much for the suggestions! I added in the typos, but I want to work on changing the start a bit to build up intensity when my brain isn't so mushy.

Thank you so much for another amazing, detailed, and helpful review ♥



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Review #2, by Arithmancy_WizShattered Infinity: Marked for Destruction

6th July 2013:
Awww, I have such a soft spot for Snape/Lily. I didn't even look at the pairings before I started reading, so it made for a lovely surprise.

You had some wonderful lines in this story and managed to hit on some great points, especially for such a short piece. I loved the bit about him "finding his infinity" in her. I think that's such a great way of capturing the intensity of Snape's feelings for Lily. I really do think he thought she was his future, and that's why his loss of her as even a friend was such a blow.

I also thought you hit on another big theme of this pairing with the line: What was left for him on the side of light, where her eyes sparkled for someone he despised and glazed over when he dared to call her name? For me, at least, I always saw Lily's character as the last thing he had to lose. Why NOT join the Death Eaters once he lost her friendship? He had nothing else in his life worth fighting for.

Great job with the challenge and the one-shot.

Happy Review Battle!

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! :)

I wanted to explore Snape's point of view, so he was the perfect character to write a 500-word story about. While I think that James loved Lily, I think that Snape's love for her was something more than even he knew. After all, he did become a turncoat after her death in order to protect her son! Lily was everything to him, because his home life wasn't very fun and people at school weren't always very nice, so that's where I got the "infinity" point from. :)

I'm glad you see his whole "crossing over" to the Death Eaters in a similar way! I think that because Lily was his entire world, when she refused to forgive him, it was the catalyst for him to REALLY go over to the dark side. He's definitely a tragic character, which may be why he's so fun to write about! :D

Thank you so much! Happy Review Battle to you, too!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #3, by Arithmancy_WizBefore They Fall: How To Love You

6th July 2013:
Gah! It feels so wrong not to be reviewing every single chapter! I did look over the last two real quick, though, so I wouldn't get totally lost :P

And I'll totally get to your main AoC, but first, I just have to say.

Good riddance, Abigail, indeed!! What a little you-know-what. Don't you just want to slap her? But seriously, it was a nice touch in the overall theme of the war growing around them. That someone would just stand up and call the Head Boy and Girl a blood traitor and a Mudblood just shows how far things have gone. I mean, just in fifth year it was scandalous for Snape to sort of mutter it under his breath, but here is a girl shouting it in front of several dozen students without any real fear of punishment, except losing her badge, which she was already going to have taken away from her anyway.

I'm not sure if it's because I didn't read the previous chapters carefully or you are just super sneaky, but I did NOT see the Violet/Alrek conspiracy coming at all! As I was reading through the start of the scene, I was kind of wondering why you were taking us down this path with Violet, and then suddenly... BAM! Plot twist!! I love they way you brought two seemingly separate plots and mashed them together in such an unexpected way. The danger and the romance of the story just got set on a major collision course. Perfect!

And it really did a lot, perhaps unintentionally, for Violet's character. At least for me. We all remember girls like her from High School. She's easy to hate. But now you've made her an unwitting pawn in a much larger game, with consequences she didn't sign up for. That makes her a victim of sorts, which in turn, makes you feel a little differently about her. Her obad decisions and devious ways are the cause of her problems, but there is a big difference between trying to steal someone's boyfriend and setting them up for something that might get them killed. It really adds a whole other dimension to her story!

I'm going to sidetrack here for a second to offer a suggestion. I know you mentioned being a little overwhelmed at the length of the story and possible wanting to make the sequel shorter. In that light, I think this is the type of scene where you could lose some length. I love the Violet/Alrek subplot, but I don't think you would have lost any of the impact of it by cutting the scene off after "And I think I am having a vay to help you vith your situation."

Okay, you might need one or two lines before or after, but in general, the plot wouldn't suffer if you cut the next 600 words. We already know Alrek is a bad guy and there was no doubt in my mind when he said he had a way to "help" her what he was really up to. Next time you cut to Violet, a quick sentence or two about how she'd been surprised to find Alrek so eager to help, perhaps guessing he had the same interest in Lily that she has in James and was willing to go along with any plan that might help her get him alone would be all we the reader needs to know. There's nothing wrong with what you wrote, but cutting scenes like this will not only help with length, but also build tension. We know enough to get a sense of the danger Violet is in now, but it would leave us on the edge wondering what Alrek really has in mind.

I should end this all by saying I'm not nearly as good at moving scenes along as quickly as I wish I was, so take this all with a grain of salt. You know who I think is really good at it? WTM. She can do what I only preach about :P

Okay, back to the action. Erm, maybe that wasn't the best choice of words... hehehe

I can get why you were worried about this scene, but honestly, I think you handed it perfectly. I totally believed and understood Lily's thought process here. She didn't want to be with him for all the wrong reasons, but she didn't really want to be with him for all the right reasons either. She wants to be with him when the time feels right; she just let Violet get under her skin enough to think now WAS the right time. And as so often is the case, she didn't see the real truth of her actions until James confronted her on it. Oh, Lily. Always over-planning.

I thought James' anger was not only realistic, but justified. He was right to call her out on this, and to say they'd been through too much to rehash this old business. James has done all the right things to make Lily feel secure in their relationship, and he's right to be a bit miffed that she still isn't getting the message. I loved when he called her exhausting. She is, but so is every other teenage girl ever, so you really can't blame her. Everything at that age is just so damn complicated :P

Okay, I think that's it from me. Oh, except the line Usually they traveled in a pack. HAHAHAHA! She has no idea how right she is!! Gah, and I was going to talk about how much I like the way Violet views Lily (about her being a snob). It isn't true, of course, but it's so realistic in the way (a) people have these grossly incorrect opinions of others sometimes, and (b) how we convince ourselves certain things are true to support our own bad behavior. But I'm running out of room, so that will have to do!

Just a few typos if they fit. Great, great chapter, my dear. And a killer ending!

Hi Lily (Hi, Lily)

Lily gestured for the girl to sit down at the chair beside her (sit down in/on the chair)

If I run into any of the Gryffindors I'll remind them... (Gryffindors, I'll remind)

Remus was a bit of a know it all, but he was nice enough (know-it-all)

"Hey," James whispers, moving away from her and reaching up... (whispered)

What would Alice and Belle say if she'd have told them? (Not sure on this one, but maybe: What would Alice and Belle have said if she told them?)

"No, It's not that," she lied. (it's)

"What would happen if we didn't do this. (? not .)

Author's Response: Do you feel like you're cheating on my chapters with other chapters? :P Haha!

Abigail almost ended up being a loose sort of end for me, but I've figured out a way to sneak her into the next book. Mwaha. You know those times when you're going somewhere with something, then it doesn't happen, but you can find a different way to go about it by some miracle? That happened with her :P!

I don't think I gave any sort of Violet Alrek hints... I think for once I really was sneaky! Woot! I loved the idea of Violet's actions having consequences much more serious than she meant for them, and I think that's sort of how I ended up wanting to tie her into Alrek's plot. I'm so happy you weren't expecting it!

Yes, I love what you said about there being a big difference between wanting to steal someone's boyfriend and wanting to set them up for a murder. Violet, at least to me, isn't bad. She's just self absorbed and she has no loyalties to Lily. Why should she?

You know how 'derrr' I am when it comes to knowing what to cut out and where. Obviously it's too late for this novel, but you spotting these parts is such a huge help. It gives me an idea of the other sort of scenes that I don't necessary need, and that's what I need to really work on!

Isn't that the truth of everything at that age being so much more complicating? I'm so excited that you thought that whole scene worked. I don't think Lily realizes just how long James has waited for her to reciprocate his feelings, and he's not going to risk doing something a bit earlier than necessary and just taking a million steps backward. Then Lily... poor thing just needs to go take a bath, haha!

When I was writing Violet's section I couldn't help but think how, to someone who doesn't like Lily, annoying she really could be. Head girl, perfect grades and a solid group of friends. Of course we know how far from ideal her life is, but I think Violet definitely has enough to go on when working herself up into, 'I hate Lily,' fits :P.

I'm so excited you liked this chapter! Especially the James and Lily, or, well, almost :P. Because those still really make me nervous and knowing that I'm on the right track is such a huge relief.

AND thank you for the typos!!

♥ Jami


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Review #4, by Arithmancy_WizDetox: Reconnecting

5th July 2013:
I'll apologize upfront that this review will probably be rather short and not very eloquent. I usually make notes while I read but since I read this while standing in line at the cable office... I'll make up for it on the next one, I promise!

Minister of the Mudbloods Great line, and I really think it sums up just how much these guys don't get it. Anyone who doesn't value the same thing we do is a threat to us. Sadly, it reminds me just a bit too much of real-life political arguments.

I know the time frame of the story, obviously, but I didn't really put it together how soon after book seven all this really is until the boys start talking about Death Eaters still being out there and unaccounted for. It seems anytime you study real life wars in school or whatnot, we are taught to memorize set dates, as if wars always have clear beginnings and ends. Of course the mess Voldemort and his Death Eaters made isn't going to be cleaned up in a matter of months, maybe not even years. Even in the news today, you read about some former warlord being captured after thirty years on the run. Anyway, the point of the ramble is that I really like that element of the story and thought it came through really well in this first scene.

And I'm wondering who this old DE might be...

It was as much a sign of spring as the bloody robins and crocuses. Priceless!

I really wasn't expecting an Astoria/Narcissa moment, but this was great. There are some wonderful parallels between the two characters -- at least the potential for parallel. If Astoria runs off with Draco, she may be facing a hard road ahead and will have to make tough decisions regarding her family, something Narcissa has faced as well. Narcissa is a great character in that she believes in the superiority of pureblood families, and I have no doubt she enjoys being wealthy (and once respected), but she doesn't value these things above all else. She puts her family ahead of both of these things, as well as her own life. Astoria has that same strength of character, putting love about doing what is proper or desired of her by her family.

Another great chapter. Sorry my review isn't of equal caliber this time around, and it's way too hard to do typos on an iphone. Can't wait to read more soon.

Good luck finishing up chapter 11!

Author's Response: Aww, no apologies necessary! The mere fact that you would be standing in line at the cable company and think, "hey, I could be reading Detox right now" makes me all kinds of happy.

Draco's former housemates don't get it at all. They were never anywhere near Voldemort during the war, nor did they ever have to risk their lives. It's all just a game to them, and they have no idea that they're playing with fire. They will find out, though...

I'm glad that it isn't just me who thinks of the "end" of the war that way. I really have a hard time getting into post-war stories were the sun came up on the morning Voldemort died and everything was kittens and rainbows from that moment on. I'm certain that lots of Death Eaters escaped after the battle, and even the ones that were captured right away had to be tried. The magical world was in shambles, untold numbers of people -- muggle and magical -- had been injured and killed, lots of muggle-borns were still in hiding... I'm sure it took months if not years to restore some semblance of normality to life.

It's a tricky thing, and not altogether pleasant, to be writing and have to decide, "what would Jeremy Gamp think about this?" He's not all there, but like a lot of crazy people, he has these rare moments of clarity. The truth of the matter, I think, is that Voldemort *wasn't* a particularly good dark lord. He underestimated his enemies again and again. He never attempted to account for variables that he didn't understand. If a task couldn't be accomplished through brute force savagery or the manipulation of fools -- I think Harry counts as a fool on more than one occasion -- he really struggled with it. On top of it all, he had the worst luck imaginable. I mean, come on, Severus Snape is your most trusted servant. Why not have him brew a pint of Felix Felicis every day and eat it with your corn flakes?

I really enjoyed writing the scene with Astoria and Narcissa. When I was working out the chapter outline, I wasn't sure about it. It felt pretty fluffy to me. Plus, Narcissa has this bad tendency to be a scene stealer in my stories. I agree 100% that Narcissa is a fascinating character. I think of her as this alternative mother figure in the books. She's not a self-sacrificing mother like Lily Potter or Molly Weasley, but in the end she doesn't love her family any less.

I enjoyed your review thoroughly, no matter the length. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!


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Review #5, by Arithmancy_WizThe Seams: They Bring Me To You

29th June 2013:
Hello again :) Back with another extraordinarily overdue review!

I usually tend to review in order but I just have to start with how much I loved the ending. Of course we know this story is about Eileen and Tobias, so it isn't a huge surprise that the odd man in the shop turns out to be him. But like I mentioned in my first review (at least I think I did!), there is just something special about an ending that hints at what's to come next. Some authors just have a good knack for finding the "right" end point, and I think you hit the perfect note again here.

For me, the characters really stole the show in this chapter. We got a nice sense of Eileen in the previous chapter, and we get to know her a bit more here as well, but it's really the characters around her who shined. Lorraine is great. Instantly she's one of those characters you say, "I know someone just like her..." about. She isn't a caricature, but she's familiar and relatable and likable in her earnest clueless-ness. And the line: The hopeless woman gives a jerky bow like she's just met the Minister of Magic and asks to see the trousers. Adorable. What a great mental picture!

It was nice to see a bit of Hannah and Liam's home life too. I loved the lines: The walls are covered with the children's drawings. A single family photo rests over the fireplace, and it hangs lopsided on the uneven, buckling walls. Perfect and understudied, all while really saying something about the people who live inside.

And of course, we get to meet Tobias! I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I really like what you've done with him so far. I like the way he makes Eileen feel a bit uncomfortable, singling him out from the normal way she feels around customers. I like that he's standoffish at dinner without being over-the-top rude. He's a bit of a mystery to Eileen and to the reader. I know it's early still in the story, but I like the way you're laying the groundwork for them. We know he doesn't turn out to be a total loving husband and father, so seeing him here being overly friendly or personable would seem odd. But I also like that he isn't immediately being cast as a villain. A bit rude, perhaps, but not evil. He must have been likable enough at one time for Eileen to have married him, right?

In terms of CC, there's only one area I'm a little unsure on. I feel like the tone of the narration is a little... detached. For example, there will be times we are in Eileen's head, like:

-- Eileen feels small as he looms over her.

-- Eileen thinks proudly of her astuteness.

-- Secretly, she hopes that the woman will become a good and trusted friend.

It feels like her story, her perspective. But at other times, you refer to her as the Prince lady or the seamstress And there are lines like: Eileen is a tree hovering over the small and swaying dandelion that is Lorraine, the disparate image they create framed against the cracked darkness of the back room. It's a beautiful line, but it isn't the way someone would usually think of themselves. It's got a very "external narrator" feeling about it, hence the detachment. The more formal, detached tone is something I'd expect to find more in a one-shot or perhaps a period novel, but with the rest of the story being very grounded...

I'm not 100% sure that made any sense, and since I don't know what tone you're aiming for it might not even be helpful, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway.

Overall, another great chapter. I can't wait to see how this all plays out and ties back into all the mysteries in the prologue once the plot really starts thickening!

Author's Response: Hello my dear! Don't you worry - I tell you, I'm patient and don't mind any kind of delay at all! And I'm sorry for the response delay! It's been crazy in my little universe lately.

I hit the perfect ending again? YES! That makes me so excited. I can't always get that genius ending (and for me, that gets exhausting for both readers and myself as an author), but it's always good to know that I'm keeping readers intrigued. I didn't want to be sneaky with the man in the shop - I knew everyone would figure out it is Tobias, but I like that. I like that everyone knows without really knowing until the very end. That way, I believe, readers focus more on the characterization and their perception of Tobias.

I'm always very concerned about my characters (have I told you that before?). I'm super stoked that you're enjoying them. And Lorraine! Oh, I do love her and love writing her. Like you say, she's relateable: we all know someone like her and it makes, I think, the reading much more enjoyable.

So you like Tobias so far? I hope so. I hate that as a fandom we've typecast him as a Voldemort-esque human being. I believe that almost all relationships have love in them at some point and really want everyone to give these two a chance. I'm stoked that you like the groundwork and foundation I'm trying to establish. As you say, it would be weird for him to be Mr. Perfect. I want relateable and very realistic, so here he is. Hopefully you continue to like what I do with his character!

Thank you so much for pointing that out. This is my first real (if I discount my novel "Armageddon" from like four years ago) attempt at a novel, especially a novel that I want to see end successfully. Anyway, I'm always trying and working toward turning myself as a writer into a novelist from a one-shot junkie. Unfortunately, those kinds of lines, while beautiful, I'm still trying to get out of the habit of writing. Thank you again for saying something. I'm going to continue working on that!

Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I really appreciate all of the time and energy you take to read and review my story! I always love hearing from you!

Thank you, again!

Shelby ♥


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Review #6, by Arithmancy_WizBefore They Fall: Valentine's Day

28th June 2013:
How I have I fallen so far behind?!? It's so absurd I can't even talk about it so I might as well get right to the review :P

I really liked this angry Sirius. He's got a great Harry-during-OotP feel about him -- angsty without really understanding why. The other characters have shown a wide range of emotion: fear, sadness, grief, love, shame, regret. But Sirius really is the only one who brings any real rage to the table. It's subtle but it's there in his short temper and snarky remarks. So often he's relegated to the playboy or jokester role, and I think there is a lot of that in him too -- a real disregard for the rules and consequences -- but with the anger, it puts all of that other behavior in a totally different light. It goes from carefree to a mask for hiding his true feelings.

Lol, okay. That wasn't really what you mentioned as an AoC in this scene at all. Ooops!! But I do think your reasoning for his anger came through as well. In addition to simply channeling his anger regarding other issues into this one area, he's also being very much a teenage boy here. He has feelings for Belle he isn't able to fully verbalize and process. He's scared how much he likes her and he's acting out. It's perfectly childish and a wonderful addition to his character.

I thought the attack was great, but more than that, I like the perspective you wrote it from. You could have written from McGonagall's perspective, or have had the students more directly involved, but I liked the way this one was kept at more of a distance. Too much direct fighting and it could start to weaken the impact of later battle/attack scenes.

Speaking of this scene, I LOVED Sirius's line: Fine, stick with me and don't get yourself killed (there may be a typo in the line though. I can't tell if I wrote it down wrong or it had the word 'we' instead of 'with'). It makes me think back to that line on the train when James says something to Sirius like, "We aren't going to do it this way." It was so cool and commanding and such a perfect capture of his character. I thought this line did the same for Sirius. A brave but reckless smart mouth, with a hint of some that could be humor or else something much darker. Brilliant!

Oh, and just a random thought. I loved the way McGonagall burst into the hall with the "Get to the Gryffindor tower" line. It was great the way you lulled us into a quiet moment and then BOOM! sent the scene in a totally unexpected direction.

For me, everything about Lily's section was perfectly in character. Staying behind to make sure the younger students were safe seemed like exactly the sort of thing she'd do. Not exactly as dangerous as running into the battle, but a calculated risk where she put others before herself in a way that even the teachers couldn't argue with. And that moment between her and Slughorn was perfect. She really does know how to play him, but in an innocent and harmless sort of way.

Wow! Alrek's creep level just climbed up about 100 points. Until now, he seemed like just another Death Eater wannabe, special only because of the danger he poses to the character we like. But in this scene, it's clear there is something much more dark and sinister inside of him, like maybe he didn't join the DEs just because he believed in the cause, but because he's got some serious craziness of his own inside him and murdering muggles and non-purebloods is just an outlet for it all. Creepy!

My only suggestion on that last scene is to maybe take a second look at the opening transition. It's a little abrupt. And you "lose" the setting near the end. It all becomes totally internal. I like that the scene is short -- like a ominous cutaway in a movie -- but even 3 or 4 lines might just round out the whole thing a tad more. Oh, and the opening to Lily's section. You might want to add the words "the next morning" after breakfast or something. Maybe it was just me, but I was confused for a minute since I thought we were still on the same day as the attack, and I was like, but didn't everyone just have breakfast?? :P

I'm aiming to keep this under the limit so that's it for now aside from typos. I'm so, so sorry I've gotten so behind. I'm really hoping to play some major catch-up in the weeks to come. I want to be able to celebrate with you in real time when you finish the story!!!

-- Just because it was the Valentine's Hogsmeade didn't mean he had to get all dressed up. (Valentine's trip to Hogsmeade or Valentine's Hogsmeade trip...?)

-- He moved the faded, worn pair of jeans to the side and grabbed the newer pair and that didn't look quite so aged. (newer pair that didn't look)

--He rubbed his fingers over face (over his face)

--"Impressive," Belle said as a the passage opened. (as the passage)

-- "Remember Lily," James continued, glancing at her (Remember, Lily)

-- Each second that ticked away with no word on their professors condition. (professor's)

-- Now, please enjoy your breakfast and let the events of the past twenty-four hours serve as a reminder both of the dangers that we face the benefits of facing them together (we face and the benefits)

-- "...I vill be seeing you in Charms," with a wave goodbye, he stood from the table. (he said with a wave goodbye as he... OR ...Charms. With a wave goodbye, he stood...)

Author's Response: Becky! I'm hanging my head at how long this response has taken. I should get grounded. With chocolate. And my computer. yes, that would teach me! :P

That's my thoughts exactly on Sirius. I think too much he's portrayed as nothing but carefree and play boy-ish, which of course is good, but there just seems like there needs to be something else under there. He's been through way more than people his age, and there's no way someone who's grown up in the world he has is just carefree. He doesn't have the same kind of hold on his emotions the way James does. In my head, their bromance sort of balanced. His anger is wild and uncontrolled, where as James's is quiet, silently but deadly. Okay. moving on. Haha. It's almost midnight, so I may be rambly.

I'm so thrilled with your comments about Sirius's anger and the reasoning. That's exactly what I wanted, to show he's scared with how much he's like her and is having a hard time accepting it. Poor guy, such a big baby.

I used to try really hard to figure out whose eyes I wanted a scene through. Which is my own fault for wanting to feature them so heavily. but it's seemed to get easier to let it just play out. I'm not sure if it's always best, but it seems to work okay :P And exactly what you said about later battles and attacks. I want there to be plenty of seriousness in this, but they aren't in the war the way they will be soon, and I want that world to be shocking, not to feel just like it was at Hogwarts.

You're making me so feelsy about Sirius right now. I'm so excited about your comments. I have this idea of him but never know if I really get it through, and you're making me feel like I am. THANK YOU.

Hehehe creepy little Alrek. I'm really happy that he sort of came into his own craziness in this chapter. I've been trying to figure out where I can make that clear, that he's his own little evil, and worried about tacking it onto here. I used your suggestion to add a bit to hopefully smooth his section, and I can't say I'm anything but thrilled that you picked up his more sinister side! And I totally picked up what you meant about him sort of floating off into nowhere land. Haha! Thank you for pointing that out!

Okay, I don't even know if I've made sense. I tried, but your reviews turn me to mush. So, if this didn't make sense, I think we know who's really to blame!

And thank you for the typo!!! One day, I'm going to give you a chapter without even one! :P

THANK YOU ♥


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Review #7, by Arithmancy_WizThe Seams: Passing Afternoon

7th June 2013:
Hi, WT! I'm here with your review request :)

This chapter was full of all sorts of fun and interesting surprises. Right off, I really like the idea of Eileen as a seamstress. We don't know much about her as a character yet, but that's a really unique profession and kind of suggests some things about what kind of person she might be. Automatically I'm thinking of someone who is a bit of a loner, maybe a bit quiet and reserved. Independent and self-sufficient perhaps, which seems in line with someone who runs their own shop. Anyway, it's something I don't see a lot in fanfiction and that definitely makes it stand out to me in a positive way.

We didn't get a lot of internal monologue from her here, so I'm interested to get in her head a bit more, but I like what you've set up so far. I couldn't help but notice the somewhat detached or perhaps skeptical attitude she has towards children. She seems very aware of the burden Hannah faces with all those mouths to feed, and the line about Viola always adding "another child to her personal Quidditch team." I love the way you've started very subtly inserting the issue of kids, since of course we know who her son will eventually be.

I also like the groundwork you've begun to lay regarding her family's past. The mention of the clock being a rare family heirloom, where her vault is, and of course the line: "The darkness that surrounds the Prince family is not a topic that Eileen discusses with anyone." It's great that you've begun to hint at a deeper backstory while still holding back so much to create an air of mystery.

And of course the mention of the muffliato charm. So clever!

And I know it's just a small line, but I really liked this one: It looms in the distance, the white marble glowing despite the lack of sunshine. It creates a great visual image without needing a ton of fancy language, and it also hints at the magic sort of inherent in the building itself.

I can only think of one small area of CC to mention. I couldn't get a good read on Eileen's relationship with Fabian. They know each other, clearly, but are they friends? Does she perhaps have a bit of a crush on him? Is it a business-only relationship? Old friends from school? She comments that that he's the "most handsome man she's ever seen," but that's about it. If I was talking to a really good-looking man, I might be flustered, unless we were longtime friends and his handsomeness was old hat. Anyway, I know it's an early chapter and you don't want to backstory dump all over your readers, but I couldn't really judge the emotion of the scene since I couldn't gauge the chemistry between the pair. Casual? Flirty? Like brother and sister? All business? Did his mention of a date make her jealous, or did it make her want to roll her eyes? Just something to throw out there...

Otherwise, another great chapter. With the high-intensity of the prologue, I like how you can step back and ease into the heart of the story while your readers know there is big action still to come.

Author's Response: Hello AW! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! :)

I'm stoked that you like Eileen's profession. It is very important to me that Eileen is an independent and strong woman, even for this time period. I think that often times in fanfiction authors forget that these people have to have jobs and money to survive. I think the realism of her profession is essential to my story. As you say, it gives us insights into her character.

Rather than rushing things, I'm trying to create Eileen in such a way that is appealing and appropriate. I feel like many authors, fanfiction and original, rush their characters and characterizations. As humans, we come into our own slowly, not in the first chapter of our lives. So, I think you'll really like Eileen as we get further into the novel.

You are the first one to notice Eileen's issues with children. I've set this up, not so that she hates children or even dislikes them, but does not wish to become like many of the women of her time period, Muggle and witch. She wants the security and enjoyment she receives from a job before even thinking about a family which really is an anomaly if we're thinking historically.

I'm really glad you like the little hints I've been putting here and there, aka groundwork. I'm very much trying to keep to my own style while taking a few pointers from JKR. I want this to be a good novel! :P

Ah yes, the charm! One of my favorite parts of the novel.

And I'm so happy you like that line, I really am. I purposefully set up each description in this (it takes a long time, actually) and I love that you love it!

You know, honestly, that's not something that I've given much attention to. Fabian will be a minor character, appearing here and there, but I didn't think about laying the groundwork of their relationship. Thank you so much for mentioning that! The next time you guys see Fabian, you'll be sure to get at least a snippet of the back-story so that it's all well-rounded and whatnot.

Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I cannot wait to see what you think of the upcoming chapters! :)


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Review #8, by Arithmancy_WizThe Call: The Call

7th June 2013:
Happy Review Battle!

I totally agree -- Colin Creevey is a wonderful minor character, and this was a lovely tribute to him. He's a bit like the younger brother Harry never had, always following him around, wanting to be just like him. He falls into that perfect zone of adorably annoying early in the series and then brave in his own right by the end.

You had some wonderful lines here. Two that really stood out to me: ...he was underage, though this past year had been more than enough to turn both him and his brother Dennis into adults... AND ... it was easier to think of himself as a soldier when he did...

What deep and poignant thoughts! So many of the students in the final battle are caught between being children and adults. They are old enough to know what side they want to fight for, but still not old enough to fully internalize the risks... and with so much still ahead of them. Very sad and very touching. And the word "soldier" holds so much meaning on its own. Part of me is proud for his bravery, and the other part is sad for him not really knowing what he's about to sacrifice.

The last line was great too. Hogwarts becomes the call to arms. It's such a neat way to look at it, especially since the battle for the wizarding world is sort of condensed down into this one battle at Hogwarts. It's still so sad what happens to Colin, but at least he goes down fighting for something that meant so much to him.

Author's Response: Hi, Becky! Sorry this response is a bit tardy, but I do try and make it a point to respond to all of my reviews, and I'm really pleased to have one from you to answer. :) I'm happy that you enjoyed the story, too!

Colin is one of those characters that I've found gets painted with a biased brush in canon, much like Fleur. Harry thinks he's a bit obnoxious, and maybe he is, but there's a lot more to him than just a little kid dogging his idol all around the castle. I do think that he is incredibly brave, and very loyal; he's one of the truest Gryffindors in canon, in my opinion. He comes into his own as he grows up, too, and let's face it -- most kids are pretty annoying in their early years. ;)

One of the things that strikes me most about the final battle is how much it did age the people who participated in it -- and Colin wasn't even of proper age, not to mention being a Muggle-born. He was an adult and a proper soldier in the moment he chose to fight for the castle that was as much his home as Harry's, and I can't help but feel fierce admiration for that bravery, like you said. He was willing to die for the place that took him in, a stupid little kid, and gah. I have so many feelings for Colin, when I take the time to analyze them.

Thank you for this review! And again, I'm just really happy you enjoyed reading it. ♥ I appreciate it very much!


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Review #9, by Arithmancy_WizDetox: Old Habits

2nd June 2013:
I told myself I wasn't going to do anything aside from write today, but I read this chapter last night and wanted to post a review while it was still fresh in my head. At least that's the excuse I'm going with...

What is it with bridesmaid dresses? The whole process is torturous for everyone but the bride. Though I suppose that could be said for most wedding preparations. It's nice, though, to see you turn Daphne and Astoria's relationship on its head a bit. I don't read a LOT of stories focused on these two, but when I do, they seem to more often than not portray Daphne as the demure one, with Astoria being the one with a touch more fire and passion. I like the idea of switching that up. Astoria does show some good gusto later on in the chapter, but in his current state, Draco needs someone with a cool head more than anything. Of course, I'm not sure it's totally fair to judge the true character of a woman in the middle of planning her wedding, so I won't be too hard on Daphne here.

Hmmm... I'm disappointed in Astoria's mother. Not it the way you've written her... I was just hoping for more from her for Astoria's sake. I get the sense that she might, in another time and place, be more inclined to encourage her daughter to seek out true love, but perhaps she's just not quite ready to let go of the "old ways," particularly in world that seems to be moving on without them. But I'm not ready to give up on her yet. I'm holding out hope she'll see the light.

Oh, and...As far as his hygiene... well, I'm certain his mother will see to that. My favorite line of the chapter!

I was surprised to see Astoria lay her cards so fully on the table. Up until the letter, it felt a bit more like she and Draco were dancing around the idea of being a couple, but she pretty much comes out and tells him here that if he wants her, he better be prepared to move and move fast. Good for her!

I'll admit, I'm a little disappointed to see Draco as put together as he is. After the end of the last chapter, I was expecting to see him slip back into a much darker place. Clearly he's no longer abstaining, and that alone is a slippery slope. I just thought we'd get to see you kick him around a bit more. But perhaps that says more about me than your story, so I won't press the issue :P

I did like the way you've brought us back to the scheming of Draco's former friends. Obviously, I'm not sure how it will all play out, but I can see how both this element and his relationship with Astoria are heading for a nasty collision... perhaps at the wedding itself? And I loved Draco's line: I wouldn't know. My family tree has fewer grafts. Zing!

Just a couple of typos below. Otherwise another great read. Oh, and what you said in your author's note about knowing what you want to happen but not being able to come up with the words... I feel like that with EVERY chapter, so you're not alone!

-- Once they reached the safety of Astoria's bedroom, the Madame Pinking started the laborious process of extracting her from the cumbersome dress. (no the before Madame...?)

-- Her mother swept back across the room and gently cradled Astora's face between her hands. (Astoria's)

-- I wanted make sure that you found out directly from me, and that you know that none of this was my idea. (wanted to make sure)

-- He admired the deep, amber color and complex aroma before downing the drink in a single gulp. (possible POV change? I suppose admired could be a substitute for looked at/studied, but it reads here a bit like we jumped into Blaise's head for a moment)

Author's Response: Hello, again!

First off, thanks so much for the edits. Much appreciated. Amazing the things that you miss even when you stare at a chapter for days before actually posting it.

I've never had the pleasure of being fitted for a bridesmaid dress -- I wore a prom dress to a party once; that's a whole different story -- but I get the impression that around 90% of all bridesmaids secretly loathe the whole process. Daphne, in particular, has chosen some true horrors of late 19th century women's fashion to inflict upon her bridesmaids. I'm not sure I think of Daphne as fiery. More just excitable, moody and pretty self-absorbed. Astoria is definitely the more reserved of the sisters, but she has her own excitable streak as you see later in the chapter.

Astoria's mother is a product of her upbringing. At some level, she wants to break free and allow Astoria the freedom to follow her heart, but she's just not there yet. It's a big leap for her, seeing as how everything she's ever valued in her life is a function of her family and her social status. That doesn't make it right, but at least I hope you can see where she's coming from.

Poor Emery gets picked on a lot in this chapter. He more or less deserves it, though.

I think Astoria is so upset and her mind is being pulled in so many directions by the time she writes to Draco that her emotions are pretty much laid bare. Madame Pinking does have a point. Even if the experience is boring and uncomfortable, being part of a wedding does tend to make a young, single person think. Astoria wants to find for herself what her parents stumbled into through dumb luck. She wants to love and be loved, and she thinks that Draco is The One to make that happen for her.

I don't think of Draco as being "put together" so much as he's holding it together at this point. Rather tenuously, at that. You'll see more of it in the next chapter when he has his chat with Gamp, Flint and Zabini. Aside from his drinking, he's having a lot of problems controlling his anger at this point. Draco's problems, Lucius's scheming and the insidious plans of his old friends are all starting to converge, but I can't exactly tell you where it all ends. That would spoil the surprise.

Thanks so much for the review! You're always so thoughtful and detailed. It really makes my day!


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Review #10, by Arithmancy_WizBefore They Fall: A Game of Sorts

29th May 2013:
Surprise! I closed my eyes and picked a story and it was this one, but I'll be over to read some of your Oliver story soon!

I'm mostly going to go through the chapter in order, hitting on your AoCs as we get to them chronologically, but I apologize in advance if it's a bit disjointed. I actually read the chapter over two days so I'm having to try and decipher my own scribblings :P

Being a boyfriend was complicated, but James couldn't deny loving it. I just loved this line. He's falling into the role so well, but it's nice to see that while his affection for Lily comes naturally, knowing how to be a good boyfriend is a whole other matter. I also really liked the line Lily really had been born a Gryffindor. James always gets the credit for being the "true" Gryffindor of the group, but there has to be more to Lily than kindness and loyalty or she'd have been sorted into Hufflepuff. It's just a small line, I know, but I thought it was sweet.

I thought you handled the match perfectly. You've had some Quidditch before that you skipped over, and while I certainly didn't feel this needed a FULL account of the game, I liked that you didn't completely brush over it. I thought you tucked in just enough to hit the balance between looking like you just didn't want to write it out and boring the readers with an account that was longer than necessary. I thought you managed it perfectly.

Should I be worried about Polly? I feel like I should be worried about her. She's too adorable, but I'm afraid you're going to be a really cruel author and kill her off as a casualty of war.

I'm totally buying the way the suspicions are unfolding regarding Alrek. Using the Quidditch match as a way to jog that memory for Lily was very clever. Since we as the reader already know it's him, having them looking everywhere BUT at him would feel like you were intentionally dragging it out. I think this is perfect. They've made a very believable connection between what might have been said in his presence and what happened with Bella, and while they aren't ready to chase him down with pitchforks, they are bumping him waaay up the suspect list.

Aw... I loved the arrival of Gideon and Fabian and the way they rile up Moody the same way Fred and George might. I really enjoy when you write from McGonagall's perspective. You have a very nice way of humanizing her. And this is just another aside, but I really liked the line That allowed more time for someone to find a hole and break into it. I love this sorts of things -- the ones that get your brain churning on the inner (and often messy) workings of magic. And I think what Dumbledore said covers it all: we must allow him control of his own future, or we're no better than Voldemort's side.

Okay, last point. The characters. No, I don't feel the characters have been "created," if you mean in the sense that they do and say things that only meant to serve the plot. I think you've kept them true and consistent throughout. Though I should also add that I don't think creating characters to serve the plot is always a bad idea, as long as there is internal consistency and logic in why they do what they do. When it comes to characters, my philosophy is the messier the better. Real people are complicated, and characters should be to. Good guys should, on occasion, do mean, spiteful and foolish things, and bad guys who might not mind killing you can still me nice to their mothers and help old ladies cross the street :P

Ooops, I got a little sidetracked there. Sorry about that. I spotted some typos. Not sure if they'll fit. Anything that doesn't, I'll pm you. Another great chapter. I can't believe we're getting to the start of the end. Please don't kill Polly, okay?!?

-- Consequently, had to tell Frank and Sirius that they were expected to take their dates somewhere lovely, as well (I think this is missing a word)

-- James went through the calculations in his mind: They beat Slytherin the first match, Gryffindor scoring two-hundred and thirty points to Slytherin's ninety. (lowercase they)

-- Neither of those teams worried James too much, it was mainly Hufflepuff he was concerned about. (comma splice)

-- "No." He said firmly. ("No," he said...)

-- But no one is alone with him and, unless we somehow learn... (is to be alone)

-- Violet jetted through the air, her entire body forming to the the broom with the Hufflepuff... (double the)

-- ...but something about the way he'd been looking at her, the color of the dark blue... (eyes? is this missing a word at the end?)

-- "Polly, you were bloody amazing out there." The deep voice said followed by a sharp cough from McGonagall. (out there," the deep voice said)

-- Mr. Prewett and Mr. Prewett, if you would all care to take seat... (to take a seat)

-- I believe they aware of certain aspects as it is (they are aware)

-- He doesn't know what we are by name, but he understand that there... (he understands that)

-- He deserves to think through the offer presented by My. Henniway. (Mr)

-- Mr. Potter's future isn't he only that's been discussed this evening (isn't the only one that's)

Author's Response: Hiii! It was so hard for me not to respond to this review the second I saw it yesterday. I swear, works main goal in my life is to try and cut into my HPFF time :P!

It was a lot of fun getting to play back inside James's mind for a while in this. As much as I love writing from Lily's perspective, James is just really a ton of fun for me. I'm so happy you liked watching James sort of struggle with the actual being a boyfriend role. It's definitely still new for him :P! Though I think he has a lot easier of a time with it than Lily being a girlfriend...

Ahh I'm so happy you liked the match! I realized I couldn't actually take us away from it like before, but that didn't mean we had to be paying attention the entire time :P.

Polly is sweet, isn't she? Um. I don't know how to answer that question. She serves an important purpose during the next book. That's all I'm saying :P!

I really didn't love bringing Alrek into the list of suspicions, but then I figured having us know and having the group *kind of* know, but not really, would be a good balance. Like you said, if I wouldn't have looked at him it would have felt too drug out. I worried that jogging Lily's memory during the game felt too planned, so I'm really relieved you liked it!

The more I wrote McGonagall's perspective the more comfortable I get, but she still takes a million times longer to write than anyone else. Balancing the part of her that I think would be very caring with the woman we saw in the books is always a struggle for me. And you know how much I love jumping into those messier magic parts. If I wouldn't have actually been trying to entertain people with this story, it probably would have ended up being a 31 chaptered fic of nothing but classes and spells :P!

Ahhh I'm so happy the characters feel natural still!! Now that you mentioned it, I just realized how many I did create for a certain purpose, but I don't want them to feel like they only have that purpose. Though you don't know what those characters purposes are yet, so maybe I'll bring up this AoC after we get there. haha. I don't know if that paragraph made any sense :P.

Haaha I love your sidetrack moments. Especially the idea of a killer heading out and doing his thing then getting home and kissing his mom goodnight :P

Yay thank you for the typos! Those have already been edited in. Should i send you best unofficial beta in the word cupcakes??

Thank you so much for another absolutely amazing review, Becky! ♥


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Review #11, by Arithmancy_WizDetox: Relapse

27th May 2013:
Has it really been more than month since I reviewed? That's shameful. Thumbs down for me. Oh, and congratulations on finishing your 5K! Running is one of my least and most favorite things to do... depending on the day :P

I really like Isadore. If Astoria is the heroine from a Jane Austen novel, Isadore is the slightly less insightful but always up for a bit of good gossip best friend. She offers a nice balance for Astoria, and a good character for her to play off of. She's a bit more shallow than Astoria, but in her own way, far less naïve. She's interested in the drama of it all -- the sneaking around, the scandal, the snogging. It's all very teenage-girl of her. Astoria, on the other hand, is wondering if Draco is her "one true love," and seemingly blind to the fact that while he did what he did under threat of death, there were a lot of people on the side of good who did what they did in SPITE of the fact that they might be killed at any moment. It's very enjoyable to watch as Astoria tries to figure it all out.

Oh, and the line: Bad ideas were so much easier to spot when they came from somebody else's lips. Brilliant... and so incredible true!

Hooray for Snape! I love when he pops up in a story. I can't help myself. He'll always be my favorite. Aside from that, in the context of the story though, he makes a great addition. He really does have good perspective on the issue. He knew what Draco did and why he did it. But he also isn't one to give credit where credit isn't due. I loved his line: To truly be evil requires a courage in one's convictions that neither Draco nor his father will ever possess. A compliment and an insult all tied up in one pretty package. In other words, Draco isn't malicious, just spineless. So Snape!!

Well, I can't say I'm surprised at Lucius, though he's an idiot if he hasn't learned his lesson by now. And poor Draco. All that hard work down the drain. The fall is so much harder the second time around.

And can I just say how much I loved the line: Dark curses had a way of consuming strong emotions, leaving him feeling pleasantly numb. What a cool concept. It's almost as if dark curses take something from the caster without them really realizing it. It's almost like a drug that leaves a high, which is really only the byproduct of it killing off brain cells. There has to be a story in there somewhere!

Okay, I'm going to offer a bit of CC, which you can take or leave as you see fit. I noticed something in this chapter -- a tendency to "announce" the impending dialogue instead of just jumping right in. A few examples:

-- Isadore interrupted her silent contemplation, lowering the tone of her voice and sounding very serious.

-- A tense moment passed before McGonagall's clipped Scottish brogue filled the silence.

-- She heard him snort in response before continuing.

-- As soon as the door closed behind the Headmistress, her father fixed her with a glare and spoke in a low, angry voice.

-- Lucius laced his fingers together and forced a smile onto his face before speaking.

Variety is the spice of life, and of course, a long conversation with no narration is also a problem, but personally, I think it might punch up the scenes of bit to allow a bit more uninterrupted back and forth in the dialogue. I think the breaks are mostly unnecessary, and I'm not sure if you do it intentionally, but you almost never string together more than two pieces of dialogue without a narrative break. Anyway, just some food for thought to do with as you wish. It was just something I noticed and thought I'd pass along.

Just a couple of typos. Otherwise another lovely chapter. I can't wait to see the repercussions of Draco's fall off the wagon.

-- They stone gargoyle regarded her with a disinterested expression and spoke before moving aside (The stone)

-- If it is your wish that she no longer participate our visits to Hogsmeade, that is your prerogative (participate in our)

-- This was one of those times where it was essential to be a a good pure blood daughter (double a)

-- Yes, I want you to make well reasoned decisions (well-reasoned)

-- No longer will be be forced to endure the petty torments of blood traitors and mudbloods (will we be)

Author's Response: Hi, there!

First off, thanks for the typos! I went through and corrected them all. And I completely understand what you mean about "announcing" dialog. Writing in this style of separating the dialog is driving me insane. Once I finish this story... never again! Well, unless I feel like it. ;) But even then, I will be careful not to "lead in" to the dialog.

Isadore winds up being a sort of mirror that Astoria can stare into and see some of her own less desirable traits. It helps that Astoria has a friend like Isadore who's a little shallow and self-absorbed and dramatic. Astoria can see those bad traits more easily in somebody else. And you're right, Isadore is more worldly than Astoria, particularly when it comes to the opposite sex. That's about to become a pretty big deal in chapter 10...

Originally, I had Dumbledore offering a bit of advice to Astoria. But it dawned on me that he really had no significance in her life, while Snape was both her Head of House and Draco's "protector". So it made more sense to use him. I thought that line sounded so much like Snape, I fell in love with it right away.

Yes, Lucius is a total idiot. And the problem is that the entire family is already skating on such thin ice that even Lucius's pathetic attempt to regain his "relevance" as a force of evil could land them in big trouble. So Draco is understandably furious.

The bit about dark curses draining away unpleasant emotions was an idea I came up with while I was writing CoB. It clicked really well for me, because it cast characters like Voldemort in an interesting light, I thought. Maybe the reason he had to keep using the Killing Curse again and again was to temporarily ease the pain of his shattered soul? Whether or not it makes total sense, it became my theory and I'm sticking to it!

Thank you for such a thoughtful, thorough review! I love readers who can see the forest and the trees, so to speak.


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Review #12, by Arithmancy_WizThe Seams: A Storm Is Coming

13th May 2013:
Hi, WT. I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to get to your review request. Hopefully I'll be able to make up for it by posting something helpful!

I have to admit, I'm a bit of a sucker for a good prologue. As a general rule, I'm not big on flashbacks in the middle of a story, but I love the way a prologue allows you to "cheat" a bit by throwing in some information that otherwise might not really fit into the overall flow of the rest of the story. Of course, maybe you're not planning on telling a linear story at all, in which case the point is moot and please ignore it. But since your summary lists this as an Eileen/Tobias story, I assume we'll be jumping forward in time quite a bit at some point. Anyway, my (very rambling) point is that I enjoyed your choice to start the story where you did and am interested in how it will tie into the other characters 500+ years in the future.

And while we only spend a little over a 1000 words with them, I liked your characters here too. While not generic, they are familiar in a way that sort of lets the reader slip easily into the moment and instantly worry and care about the outcome. It will be interesting to see what happens once Eileen and Tobias enter the picture. Snape is one of my favorite characters, and I can't think of any stories I've read personally that center around his parents.

Just like with a well-written prologue, I do so love a good ending. Instead of offering clues, Penelope's letter only offers questions. And the last line was great -- not only the mention of the word "curse," but also that it is continuing. It opens up so many possibilities of what's to come. I think there can be a tendency to associate a good chapter ending with an out-and-out cliffhanger, but I don't think that's true, as you prove here. It isn't always about leaving the reader guessing what will happen in the seconds and minutes that follow, but teasing them about where the story is headed next. I love surprises in a story, but nothing is more frustrating for me as a reader than to feel as if I have no idea where we are headed -- that we're just wondering through random moments in time with nothing stringing them together. Already I get a sense that you have something lying underneath to push and pull the reader through the chapters.

Since it's so early in the story, it's hard to offer too much CC. But in an effort to provide some (hopefully) helpful food for thought, there were some elements of the chapter that, to me, didn't seem to fit with the time period. I'm not an expert in history my any stretch of the imagination, but the use of contractions in the dialogue felt a bit off for 1400. Also, I assume given the time period, her lack of wealth and the references to a Lord Alfred, that Ursula is some sort of serf...? If so, I'd be surprised if she had the ability to read and write, or have the supplies to do so in her house. It isn't a huge deal, obviously, and I'm not sure how important historical accuracy is to you. But since you said you were open to all areas of comments and suggestions, I thought I'd mention it.

Sorry again for taking so long to stop by. Please feel free to re-request anytime!

Author's Response: Hello AW! Please don't worry about the delay! I'm a very patient woman! Besides, I know that things can get very busy!

Yay - a reader who likes prologues! I was a bit nervous about dubbing this as a prologue, to be honest. I know that many readers don't like prologues and just want to get to the "good stuff" but that's not how I roll. This chapter is essential to the story, as will be every other chapter. The novel will be linear in the sense that Eileen & Tobias's story will develop chronologically, but there are going to be multiple pieces and stories beyond that - so basically, nonlinear in the traditional sense! I'm so excited that you enjoyed this chapter. It's not going to come together immediately, of course, but as the novel progresses, you will see how everything begins to tie together.

So happy you liked my characters! I'm really trying to focus on making well-rounded, plausible characters. I feel like my other stories have neglected characterization in lieu of descriptions and imagery. Eileen & Tobias are my OTP and so writing this is basically my fanfiction dream. I know many, like you, love Severus and so I hope I do his parents justice!

You are so perceptive - I love it. I like to leave my readers with a sense of frustration, but the frustration that leads to a need to know more. I want you to be intrigued and eager to know more. There definitely is something underneath all of this that, I believe, will be a good plot twist - the driving force is something I don't think many people will be expecting and I really hope to keep up the momentum toward that eureka moment.

You know, I honestly didn't think about that. I was so careful in my planning and writing, that I neglected the idea that Ursula wouldn't have the supplies or the ability to read and write. Such good CC and yet, I have no idea how to change it. The letter is, unfortunately, a crucial part of the story. I like to be as accurate as possible, but I think I might have to let this slide - frustrating! If I come up with something, I'll definitely change it. Thank you for mentioning it! I appreciate it.

Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I enjoy thoughtful readers/reviewers who just know their stuff. Thanks again! :)

Shelby


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Review #13, by Arithmancy_WizBefore They Fall: The Marauder's Map

7th May 2013:
I know I've said it before, but Jami, your writing is improving so much!! I'll get into all the nitty-gritty in a sec, but I just have to say, without question, you did some of your best writing to date in the Belle/Sirius scene. I'm just so full of happy squeees for you right now!!

That out of the way, I'll have to be brief on the rest. My notes on this one are already pushing the character limit :P

You set up the Belle/Sirius confrontation wonderfully. The end of the last chapter left me feeling like Belle was being a bit immature, so focused on how the boyfriend who usually treats her well got caught up in the moment and acted like a bit of a jerk. It felt real and true to character, but it kind of made me want to roll my eyes and tell her not to be such a drama queen. In relationships, you have to let some things slide. But you did a lovely job of humanizing her throughout the chapter and reminding us that she brings a lot of baggage to the table. She's going to be extra sensitive to these sorts of slights, and if Sirius wants to be with her, he's going to have to learn to recognize that.

I thought this line in particular really captured where she was coming from: And it wasn't that she wanted to be upset, it was that she simply couldn't be anything else. Your feelings are your feelings, and sometimes you just have to feel them! As the fight progressed, I had a little trouble pinpointing what was bothering her most. That she needed him more than he needed her? That he blew her off? That he thought she was too fragile to handle the situation? She seemed to have different reasonings at different times, so that might be something to relook at, but you still did a great job at making us feel for her and showing that she has even more depth than we might have thought.

The war wouldn't last forever. Another one of those gut-wrenching lines you like to sneak in on us. In a way, none of them ever really see the war end. All of them are brought down by Voldemort in one form or another. So sad!

Mr. Moody. For some reason, this made me giggle, hearing anything aside from Mad-Eye used before his name.

Okay, getting back to why I thought this scene was some of your best writing: A gust of chilly wind came darting in. Despite the temperature, she continued down the aged steps with Sirius a few paces behind her. The fat, icy drops fell onto the hair she'd spent so long brushing, catching in her lashes and blurring her vision. What a great, smooth transition from one location to the next. Just the perfect amount of description to set the "new" scene. And ...she thought as she stepped aside to let the bodies and brooms go by. Bodies and brooms. What great alliteration!

Forcing myself to move along here... Eek! I'm so sorry if I'm in your head now! I don't even like having myself in my own head most of the time :P Seriously though, the whole scene was very well laid out. You set the scene to establish who was there, but pretty much kept it at that. I thought it worked really well. And I didn't think it was at all "too convenient" that they don't suspect Alrek yet. They are clearly focused on known or suspected DEs, which makes the most sense since there isn't a shortage of suspicious characters lurking about :P

Just a few other quick notes on the scene. I loved the mention of the sleeping potion. It's great that you aren't letting the notion of Lily wanting to be a Healer slide, even without referencing it directly. And I LOVED the mentions of Snape. I know, I know... but the line: Sure, he probably didn't say the curse, but who do you think brewed the potion? So good, Jami!! I love that idea - of him being this creepy boy at school who has not only the inclination but also the ability to poison people without being caught. Not to mention:

Severus did make it clear that the Dark Arts was where he wanted to be, but she knew without a fragment of doubt that he would never let her walk blindly into death.

Come on! Are you trying to kill us here, knowing how what he eventually tells Dumbledore leads directly to her death?!?

Okay, I have to stop now or I won't be able to fit in the typos below. Really, it's such a treat watching you grow as a writer with each passing chapter!

-When James told them what was on his mind, she herself had started thinking only of who it could be and what she'd do to them when she found them. (not wrong, just awkwardly worded)

-Alright alright (Alright, alright)

- ...Alice added as the girls began their walk down the the Great Hall (down to the Great)

-Her feet moved on their own accord... (OF their own accord is the more common phrasing)

-One girl whose name she was wasn't certain of, but recognized the nearly black hair, eyed Sirius as she walked by. (One girl whose name she was wasn't certain of but recognized by the nearly black hair... OR One girl whose name she was wasn't certain of, but who she recognized by the nearly black hair...)

-But I didn't want be there for what I wanted to do to Regulus (missing a few words)

-I don't know Belle (know, Belle)

-His anger she could handle, she could stay just as angry for probably longer. (comma splice)

-"Okay, well, we'll leave him listed," Lily deciding (decided)

-And they're all seventh years, with more chances to over hear us than any other Slytherins (overhear)

-Lily's turned her head, meeting Sirius's eyes. She'd accepted the way they used to treat her former best friend, though she'd still never let them forget how childish they'd been, at least she'd moved past it. (Lily turned her head... friend, AND though she'd)

- ...Belle said, sitting up straighter in her cocoon of blanket (cocoon of a blanket)

-But I do think we need to keep an eye on where all the Prospects all are (delete 1 all)

-"And this, my friends," James began, his voice full of pride. "Is the Marauder's Map." (of pride, "is the...")

Author's Response: I am so annoyed right now. I had this review about 85% replied to and then accidentally did the two finger swipe on my Mac and made it go 'back.' And when I went forward, the review was gone. RAWR.

Re do! :P

So when I saw this review first I was on a work call and it took all of my self control not to just completely ignore the person on the phone and read your review instead. Those last ten minutes or so of that phone call was brutal knowing I had a Becky review just waiting for me to read.

I can't even tell you how happy it makes me that you see improvement in my writing. I've felt so down on it lately, and reading this review made me feel a zillion times better. I think it's hard to telly our own improvement. I mean, I know I"m getting better in my own head with knowing what to do/what not to do, but you actually being able to see a difference is just a huge deal to me. Thank you :hug:

I'm so happy that this chapter humanized Belle more and sort of justified her more dramatic reaction in last chapter. To be honest, I struggled with what you commented on about not being able to pinpoint what was bothering her the most. I kept changing my mind with what she'd be more upset about and couldn't decide which one to focus on, so I decided to just throw them all in a pot together, haha!

That line about her not wanting to feel that way was one of the few of mine that I actually like. It's pretty rare that I go, 'hey. I really like that.' with my own writing, so knowing that one stood out at you makes me so happy. I think the fact that she's allowing herself to feel all this in the first place is a huge step to her own emotional recovery and stability. But that might just be more in my head than anything else :P

How sad is it that all of them die before they see the war to an end? Remus gets so close to making it through...

You know when we're in those tough situations and sort of just think, 'well, it has to get better eventually.' I can't imagine how many times they said that to one another during the war. And how many times they reassured each other that it will be all over soon. Knowing that never happened just makes me so sad. I want to mark this story AU and say that Voldemort died of a terrible freak lightning bolt strike :P.

I always giggle when I type Mr. Moody too :P. It just seems to proper for him :P

Okay, what I am about to say may sound relatively creepy. Err. I apologize for that. I'm a bit of a reviewer stalker though. Especially if I really like those person's review and have read a story that they've reviewed.

But anyway. I saw you'd reviewed a chapter of Wolf Calling that I read, and in that review you talked about transitions a bit. And it made me want to change mine up a bit to make them quicker but still easy to understand, and yeah. This transition that you pointed out with them going outside, when I wrote it I pretty much put you in my head to try and get it short and sweet but still enough to set a scene. Hehe. Sorry, I know I'm a creepy review stalker.

No! Stay in my head!!! It's so nice with you in here :P

I'm so happy you didn't think that not suspecting Alrek was too convenient! It just didn't feel like it belong here. And I KNEW you'd love the Severus bit!

Both getting the boys more negative opinion and watching Lily defend him was really fun for me. Keeping him... alive I guess... in this story and not making it seem like he's just disappeared is important to me. But I also don't want to make it seem like he's a big part of their every day life or anything.

NO ONE HAS POINTED OUT THE IRONY OF THAT LINE. The line about Severus would never let her walk blindly into death. I'm so happy that you did. You always pick up on everything. You're so awesome *reaches across state lines and hugs Becky.*

Thank you for the typos! Going to edit them in right now! And thank you so, so much for giving me back the confidence I've been lacking the last few weeks ♥


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Review #14, by Arithmancy_WizSomewhere In Between: this is pouring rain, this is paralysed

27th April 2013:
Wow, Lia! This was really well done. I haven't read your other two Illogical stories, but that didn't detract from my enjoyment of this in the least.

There was something so tender about this whole piece. You set the tone right from the start with the soft touches and stolen glances. It was sweet without being overly saccharine. And I thought you hit a perfect balance between angst and fluff: not really one or the other, but pulling the best elements from both.

I haven't read a lot of Teddy/Rose, but your characterization of their relationship was really interesting. Some of the lines that really popped out at me were: Her eyes were wide with wonder; the little girl with pigtails who used to hide from you wasn't quite gone yet. And also: It seemed you missed the boat on learning how to be the last. It's easy to see how Rose could end up in this sort of relationship -- living out her childhood crush. But it's REALLY interesting to imagine why Teddy seems to keep finding himself in relationships with younger women. And the Not quite line after seeing the word Love on the mat? Brilliant!

You had some other lovely lines throughout. Mentioning Rose's "dry eyes" during their break-up -- those two words say so much about how she feels about their parting. And I love how that scene ended with him mentioning Scorpius. I imagine if I'd read the other one-shots first, I would have seen that coming, but for me, it was such a great twist! Speaking of... the final scene was great. No wonder Rose reacted to Teddy turning his eyes grey! Oh, and the line: You were never really that close, but there were times when you told him things that his father never could. I don't know if that was touched upon in either of the other one-shots, but I love the thought of Teddy, even casually, filling some sort of fatherly role. But then again, I've always been intrigued by the idea of how good or bad a father Draco would be to his son.

Okay, enough gushing... To balance it out, I'll offer just a small bit of CC. There are a few sentences throughout that are a bit awkwardly phrased. Part of the problem is some missing commas. Make sure that if you are using a conjunction to combine two COMPLETE sentences that you have a comma in there -- not just to make them grammatically correct, but also for needed clarity. It makes things a lot easier on the reader and helps keep the focus on your wonderful story.

I'm so glad we got paired up for the swap. This was really a great read!

Author's Response: Hey Becky! I'm so sorry I took so long to respond to this.

When I wrote the first one-shot, it felt like I channelled a life experience into two fictional characters. I haven't read much Teddy/Rose either. It isn't one of those ships I /must/ read, but I felt that writing the two of them made sense. It helped me to come to terms with a lot of things at that time too.

This one-shot is more the companion piece to In Full Circle - Rose's point of view of her relationship with Teddy and their eventual break-up. A while after, I thought that Teddy should have his side heard too, so here we are.

There's no doubt in my mind that Rose loved him. I'm sure too that she loved the idea of him and has felt this way since she was a young girl - though never understanding what it really was. Teddy grew to love her in a similar way, especially since he'd broken up with Victoire earlier. I never thought of him always with younger women until you brought it up. It's been that way throughout the fandom too. Rose, Dominique, Molly, Victoire…even Lucy sometimes.

I felt I had to have him realise it was Scorpius. He knew it for a while, and I'm sure everyone else did. It took them long enough to admit it. I felt it had to be him to realise it and speak to Scorpius himself. Rose certainly wouldn't have, and neither would Scorpius. They would gladly continue to be in denial until someone locks them in a room or something.

I wanted to create the element of family with that line. Teddy giving Scorpius advice the way an older brother should. I like reconciliation especially in fiction and with families like these. They've been through so much, they shouldn't hold on to old grudges. Draco isn't a bad father, probably just hesitant because of what happened between him and his father. But he does come to Rose's aid in part 2 of the series. He and Hermione actually agree on something :)

Ooh, thank you. I'm known to be a bit wordy. I will go try to correct those as soon as I can.

Thank you for your review :) It made me go re-read this story since you've given me so much to think about.


Lia


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Review #15, by Arithmancy_WizBloodless: The Trial

17th April 2013:
Hi, Vena. I saw your story on the Recently Added page and thought I'd take a look.

Arabella is a really interesting character. She certainly has a lot of disdain for the Ministry and this trial. It really makes me wonder what happened to bring her to this point. I imagine most people would be scared if falsely accused of murder, but clearly Arabella has been through a lot to be so emotionally detached. You've set up an air of mystery -- not only about what really happened to her in the past and to her parents, but also what life will be like with the Malfoys.

Your descriptions really caught my eye too. You painted some very vivid and unflattering pictures of Arabella's accusers -- from the fat fingers to the wart to the oversized teeth. It all added to the sort of ugly, derisive way Arabella views the proceedings. Really good job there.

Oh, and I particularly liked the exchange: Still got a bite in you, I see. Don't worry, the Malfoys will soon slice that out of you. / Not if I sink my teeth into them first.

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Review #16, by Arithmancy_WizDetox: Confessions

17th April 2013:
Trying desperately to catch up on a little reading and reviewing this week. It's amazing how easy it is to fall behind!

This chapter was definitely the one I'd been waiting for. I'd been all ready to read about them having their first real heart-to-heart in the last chapter, but those pesky Ratcliffe had to go and spoil everything. But before we get to all that...

Yikes! You did a fantastic job of capturing Draco's injuries. Perhaps a little too fantastic. Feeling dizzy and sick is just the worst! But that aside, this opening scene really demonstrated an interesting dynamic between the two. Draco is a man of contradictions. He's so resistant to even the slightest show of help or support, yet he's very introspective and willing to be open with Astoria about how is feeling. It's fun to watch Astoria try to navigate it all and keep up with him.

I think my favorite moment from this opening bit was the line, "It seemed that the Slytherin in her was giving some serious thought to taking him up on his offer." I love that Astoria has at least some measure of self-preservation hidden inside of her. She's going to need it if she tangles herself up with a man like Draco.

I really enjoyed the way you worked Bellatrix into Draco's confession. While it's obvious that he's been scarred by many of his past experiences, he still manages to keep some perspective and humor about certain things. "Then we flooed to the Ministry and she put her wand to Mr. Twycross's head and told him that his signature was either going to be on my license or his own death certificate, his choice." This is a perfect example. Under normal circumstances, death threats against Ministry officials would be a big deal. But in light of all he went through, this has almost become the kind of humorous story he can share at a dinner party.

Draco's answer to why he didn't run away was very revealing. A Malfoy doesn't run from danger. This is, of course, very ironic seeing as the Malfoy men proved rather cowardly in the books. It's really Narcissa who risks danger to save her family. I guess maturity is bringing out more of her traits in him.

I loved the little aside about Wormtail. What a rat-like thing to do -- conjuring up fake money. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if the spell only lasted a few hours and ends up leaving the recipient shortchanged.

The time had come to spend some of that credibility on a worthwhile cause. Astoria really has fallen hard for Draco, hasn't she? There is such an innocence at that age. She may in fact be totally right about him, but her lack of any real doubt isn't something a lot of adults could replicate. Which leads me too McGonagall...

I love how Astoria's response to McGonagall's question is "We had tea, after we fled Hogsmeade. And we talked." Of course! Obviously that would explain everything :P Astoria is definitely very mature for her age and a good and caring person, but next to McGonagall, she looks like the young, naive girl she really is. Though I do like that at the end of the conversation, we're left with a feeling that McGonagall has something to learn from her. I still like the way McGonagall is keeping Draco on a short leash. She knows what kind of person he use to be and she has a responsibility to keep her other students safe. But I also like that Astoria is right when she says people can't change if they aren't given a chance.

Oh, and good for Hermione too! No matter how much she dislikes Draco, I like that her anger with him doesn't erase her sense of right and wrong, or her desire to make sure that all parties are given fair treatment.

I spotted one typo. Hardly worth mentioning, I know, but...

-- She punched him on the arm, trying to look serious as she dabbed her her eyes with the sleeve of her robes. (repeated "her")

Also, there is one line in the opening scene where you seem to slip into Astoria's POV while the rest is in Draco's POV:

-- As much as she tried to stay cross, Astoria found it infectious.

Last, if you're interested in opinions on the issue, I like the idea of grouping action and dialogue in sections like this: Astoria arched her eyebrow at his revelation. "Did you actually take the test?" I feel like I might have read somewhere you were trying differing formats (or maybe I'm just making that up out of thin air), and I feel like you grouped things this way in CoB. I used to do it the way you're doing it in this story -- using separate lines -- but a reviewer suggested I switch. Looking back at it, I find grouping it is less disrupptive to the flow and has the added benefit of acting like a dialogue tag, identifying the speaker without using a version of said. Anyway, just throwing that out there for whatever it's worth.

Author's Response: Your reviews are never easy to respond to. So much good feedback! I really have to wait until I have time to sit down and think and respond intelligently.

I'm really glad you enjoyed this one. I had been waiting for a way to get the two of them off by themselves that didn't feel contrived. So I'm pleased that you found it worth the wait.

Draco took some pretty hard knocks in Hogsmeade, so there was no way that he was going to pop right back up and dance a jig. Still, he's too proud to let Astoria be openly sympathetic toward him. But she's clever and intuitive for her age. Pretty soon, she's able to figure out how to deal with him. And she's not so altruistic that she doesn't give at least a bit of thought to what's best for her. I'm glad you picked up on that.

I don't think I could write a story about Draco without involving Bellatrix in some fashion. Until she came along, he didn't really have any idea what Death Eaters were all about. His father is quite genteel, after all. But I think she quickly laid to rest any romanticized notions he might have been harboring about the Dark Lord and his followers. She's cruel, vicious and completely crazy. And the fact that he survived his time with her definitely put a bit of a different spin on things for him.

I'd like to think that Draco became more like his mother and less like his father as he aged. I'm still pretty much in awe of what JKR was able to do with Narcissa's character in her very brief appearances in the books. She went from being a snobby pure blood trophy wife to one of the stronger examples of what it means to be a mother. I still hope that she and Andromeda were able to reconcile at some point. They probably had more in common than they realized.

I'm pretty sure that those notes turned back into napkins at some point, by the way. ;) Hopefully not until after the proprietor counted the till at the end of the day.

Astoria is very smitten with Draco by the end of this chapter. He's so very different from the boys that she's grown up around. He's been through hell and back, and it's given him a quiet sort of strength as well as a profound vulnerability. Based on her limited experience, he probably seems like a beautiful, blond character from a teen romance novel come to life. Don't worry, she'll see some of his flaws before the story is all said and done.

I felt like I was walking a really fine line with McGonagall in this chapter. It's way too early for her to let bygones be bygones, but I also wanted to show that she's still able to consider the possibility that she misjudged him. Especially when two people whose opinions she finds worthwhile -- I won't go so far as to say that she accepts them at face value -- are telling her similar things.

Thanks for spotting those problems. I went in yesterday and patched them up.

Ah, the style of writing dialog. That was a decision I made back when I started writing this story. And to be honest, I wish I'd never made it. It makes writing painful at times, and I know it's given some readers real difficulty when it comes to keeping track of who's saying what. That said, I would really need to go back and rewrite the whole thing if I decide to abandon it. I may make that decision someday, but for now, I just want to finish writing the story. I appreciate the feedback, though.

Thanks for the long, detailed and insightful review! It was really helpful.


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Review #17, by Arithmancy_WizMidnight Over Broadway: Welcome Home

17th April 2013:
I loved the wrap-up of all the various characters' fates. It had a wonderful movie-montage feel. I think my favorite is the idea of Rocke reading in his cell, thinking about the Weasleys. That and the thought of Mimi and Victoire in the same room together.

It was nice to see that Scorpius' show was a success, and to hear him praised, even if it's by someone as transparent as Yuvia. It's so easy for his life to seem overshadowed by Rose, but this just goes to show he's holding his own just fine, thank you very much. Even if his baby calls him Mama...

"How did you like New York, Rose?"

"Aside from the people trying to kill me, it was rather good."

I'm pretty sure that's how we all feel after a day in the city. As long as you don't mind being run over by cabbies, elbowed in the face getting on or off the subway, or being screamed at by a homeless person wearing only one shoe, New York is great!

An excellent end to an excellent story! I don't know if you plan to write more in the series, but you did a wonderful job on this. It was my pleasure to read. And in all seriousness, you have an immense amount of talent for writing fun, energetic stories with interesting plots and memorable characters. And you do it all with such apparent ease.

Congratulations on finishing ANOTHER story!!

Author's Response: Writing the wrap-up is fun. It feels so classic mystery-novel ending to me. Since these novels are patterned after the Stephanie Plum books, I have to do it! :) Mimi and Victoire together would be epic. Imagine Teddy Lupin's face. XD

Scorpius is finally finding his career footing. He's a better portrait artist than he is landscape artist, he just needed his niche. And Rose of course being the narrator usually focuses on herself instead of on him. Poor guy, he's very long-suffering being with her. And his baby does call him Mama, though in fairness, his baby calls everyone and everything Mama, even the Lupins' dog.

That is totally New York. Don't get killed and you're fine. Every time I've been to NYC, I've seen wacky things. Gotta love the city. I want to go back actually, I haven't been up there in a few years.

Thank you so much! I'm really glad that you enjoyed this one. And thank you for the lovely comments on my writing. I would like to do some original stories soon, just sometimes there's HPFF in your head that needs to come out first, kwim? I know you do ;) Thank you!


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Review #18, by Arithmancy_WizMidnight Over Broadway: Notoriety

17th April 2013:
Okay, I won't be mad that this took you so long to post if you won't be mad that it took me so long to review. Deal?!

Haha! Anita and Ambrosia's opening banter was perfect. Funny and disturbing all at the same time. That's not an easy note to hit, but you nailed it perfectly.

I think this line is why I like Rose so much: I wanted her safely behind bars, preferably behind a dragon first and then some bars. She really has so little malice in her. As long as all the bad guys go to jail in the end and she gets to go home to Scorpius, everything else is water under the bridge. She really is the perfect narrator.

"He's only joking. We've accepted any number of awards." Priceless! For some reason, I could so imagine Brennan from Bones saying this :P

Everything is wrapping up so nicely, though I do like that you let Stanis escape. Might we see him return again in a future story...? Having Rose partner with her parents has been such a hoot. Somehow I feel she wouldn't have to twist Ron's arm too hard to get him to join her again in the future. And maybe Hermione too, though she might not admit to it.

*Sigh* I've so enjoyed reading this story, even if you effortless writing style always leaves me green with envy!

Author's Response: Haha, that reminds me of my favorite AVPS gif of Professor Lupin coming in and going "I'll ignore that some of you were late if you ignore that I'm the latest." XD

You know I love the funny. It's hard to do funny and scary at the same time. I'm glad it turned out all right.

Rose really isn't at all malicious. She would much rather nobody died or got hurt, and everyone got home safely.

Oh I loved writing that line. I can just see Hermione saying it. I'm glad you liked it! She is a bit like Brennan, isn't she?

Some of the bad guys got away. Stanis, and Anita. I never rule out future stories. I don't have another novel planned right now, though. I think Harry and Ron would probably catch Stanis if he ever came through the UK.

Thank you so much for the review and for the compliments! I'm really glad you enjoyed the story :) Writing Ron and Hermione so much was probably my favorite part. I do love them. XD Ron's a hoot.


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Review #19, by Arithmancy_WizBefore They Fall: Trouble on the Hogwarts Express

17th April 2013:
Hopefully it goes without saying that the time it takes me to leave a review is not a reflection of how excited I am to read a chapter. But just in case ... consider it said. Also, I'm finding that my writer's block is starting to bleed over into reviewer's block, so if this seems shorter than usual or I seem to only be zoning in on your AoCs, know that it's totally a "it's not you, it's me" sort of thing :P

I thought you picked the story up again at a very natural point. Having this all happen on the train does make a lot of sense. Sure, it could have happened back at school, but then James would have wasted the chance to discuss his suspicions with all his friends present in one place, and it would have been a lot harder for Sirius to confront Regulus since they aren't in the same house or the same year... plus that pesky added complication of teachers always hanging around.

The bit with the snitch was a great added touch. Not only was it sweet, it also provided great continuity with the previous chapter. The snitch kept us grounded in place in the story even as we moved forward in time and space. The only transition that felt a bit abrupt to me was the move to Sirius's POV. Obviously the page break helps a lot, but we didn't have any "time" inside Sirius's head to help ease the transition. We are just sort of BAM! in the new moment and new POV. It's not really the starting of the scene with dialogue... Maybe just the need for some sort of acknowledgement that Sirius had been having his own life throughout the first scene, like... Sirius, who'd spent the last two hours since leaving King's Cross Station alternating between sleeping and playing with a strand of hair that fallen loose from Belle's ponytail, stopped his fidgeting as James's voice filled their now silent compartment. Obviously just a suggestion, but hopefully that at least helps illustrate what I mean.

I found everything James was feeling to be very natural. It doesn't really matter how in love he is with Lily, he's still young and it isn't at all surprising that he's nervous... even if he knows how good they are together. I think it's a perfectly human reaction to worry that you'll lose the thing you want the most, especially if you've waited a long time to get it. And I know you don't like Snape (:P) but I think you're right to continue to include some references to him. With everything that's passed between them all and their suspicions about his ties to the Death Eaters, his name is bound to come up from time to time.

I'll admit, I kind of thought the thing he was anxious to tell his friends was his continuing unease after Bella's attack. Since that was an important part of the scene immediately preceding this, I was anticipating that would tie in somehow. Not that I didn't enjoy the revelation of what was really bothering him. Of course, we know Alrek's part in all this, but I still hadn't really put together that THEY hadn't put together all the pieces with what was and wasn't said in the letter. James is so clever, isn't he?

For some reason, I really enjoy watching Sirius fly off the deep end. I find it... oddly gratifying. He's got a good heart, but he really is the loose cannon in the group. I'm not one for promoting violence, but it's not hard to want to see Sirius wipe that self-satisfied smirk off his brother's face. And can I just say, I loved the line: "This isn't the way we're going to handle it," James whispered. So cool. So collected and commanding. What a great moment for James.

You asked about the buildup and cause, and honestly, I'm a little torn. The resulting fallout with Belle was totally understandable. Of course, it would be nice if she was willing to be a bit more mature about it and understand this wasn't really about her, but her reaction and the offense she takes here seems very in character. And I do get where Sirius is coming from. He's got a lot of anger, not only over the attack but in his life too, and he's looking for an easy target to focus his rage. I think your line He'd wanted so badly for it to be Regulus, to make someone pay for what had almost happened really says it all. He wants both someone to blame AND a reason to lash out at Regulus.

That said, he literally doesn't even give anyone else a second thought. I can totally buy him reacting on very flimsy, circumstantial evidence -- not waiting around for solid proof. But I feel like he has no proof at all... are there no other students with the DM, or anyone else known to be talking to Bellatrix? If that's actually true, making that clear or even having Sirius trying to convince the others my bringing up these facts might build that sense of "cause" you mentioned. Again, I REALLY liked the scene a lot and I totally agree Sirius doesn't need a lot to nudge him in this direction, but since you asked about it, I do think there is room to give his leap to judgment a bit more oomph.

Okay, perhaps not such a short review after all! Sorry again for the wait!! Just a few typos below...

-- "Get out here, now he ordered Regulus, his fingers aching to clench into fists and give the boy what he deserved for ever getting involved in this life (now," he ordered)

-- Did he think the threat of getting in trouble was was worth walking away, despite the fact that he’d almost lost his... (double "was")

-- Her tone had changed just enough that it was clear she was daring them to say anything negative about the future Death Eater. (not really a type, but saying "future Death Eater" sounds a bit like a omnipotent narrator aside. Maybe "wannabe DE" or "negative about the boy Sirius had no doubt was on his way to becoming a DE.")

Author's Response: Hiii Becky! I hope you've broken through your writers block! I got so angry at this story Friday when I was trying to plan a few things, that I think it was the closest I've ever came to wanting to say heck to it all and never touching it again. I probably sound a tad dramatic, huh? Hahah but really, I was mad. I feel better about it now, so I hope you feel the same about Undertow and are ready to shower lovely chapters on me!!

Yes, those are exactly the reasons the train made the most sense to me. I'm sure James was eager to tell his friends, so why he'd pass this up I wouldn't know. And, like you said, having Regulus in such a close proximity made it a really easy choice.

I totally see what you say with bamming Sirius into his perspective. I thought something felt off but couldn't really place it, and that's absolutely it. Thank you so much for pointing this out. I'll edited it to give a smoother transition as soon as I finish this reply!

I agree about him being bound to come up. Severus, that is. And am happy that it seems right in here and my dislike of him doesn't bleed over too much. And at this point in his life, he's a lot easier for me to like than adult Severus. There's a part in the next chapter about him that Lily says, and I think you'll really like that, hehe.

I've been so excited to have James put together the fact that Bellatrix knew too much. Originally it was planned to be a chapter ahead of this and occur at Christmas. When James started saying something to Lily then cut himself off, that's what it was going to be. But then it felt like he'd want to keep that day happy, and I didn't want to write him telling her than retelling the group. Sometimes having eight characters is a pain in the butt. Haha.

I'm so with you on enjoying Sirius flying off the handle. As much as I love him, I think it's important to show there is a man who's capable of murder in there. Did he actually murder Peter? No. Are any of us convinced he wouldn't have? I don't think so.

I like the idea of giving Sirius's anger a bit more oomph. You're full of fun words today, missy. He's the only one the group knows of that's been marked, but that's addressed a bit next chapter. I think maybe having Sirius start explaining why it has to be Regulus, but more talking to himself and already too set on his own theory to listen might be what I need to do here. Okay, now I'm basically talking to myself through this response. haha. Sorry :P.

Thank you so much for another absolutely amazing review ♥ I'm headed over to rerequest!


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Review #20, by Arithmancy_WizWolf Calling: Doubt

17th April 2013:
Oooh, I really liked this chapter. I think it set up a lot of potential conflict for the rest of the story!

As a fan of Louis, I was sorry to see him get such a cold reception from his new colleagues, but from a story perspective, I thought it was a wonderful addition. Miranda seems like a handful, and there are so many ways you could take her character in the future. Quentin was no treat either, but his comments were valid. Louis is pretty young and inexperienced, and they have a serious job to do. I'd be worried too about if he was up for the task.

On a similar note, acknowledging Louis' potential shortcomings is a great way of keeping him grounded as a character, and I know characterization is one of your AoC. He's clearly young and smart and advancing quickly in his career. But reminding the reader that he isn't perfect and still has a lot of hard work ahead of him helps keep him likable and feeling like an "everyman" sort of character. I also really liked the way the negative comments from the group almost seemed to give him a boost of confidence, even if only for a brief moment. He got a bit defiant in his own head, thinking, "I've paid my dues." Of course, he goes back to second-guessing himself right after, but maybe this sort of need to prove himself to the group will help him grow.

Overall, I think you're doing a really good job with Louis' character. And even more than that, I love that even your "background" characters all have very strong and distinct personalities. It really leaves the reader with the impression that any of them could return at a future point in the story and play some sort of pivotal role.

It was really nice to see some more of the family here too. Having a werewolf amongst them, especially one so young, really adds another layer to Louis' work. I wonder if/how that might unfold in future chapters. I can't help but suspect there might be more crossover down the road... Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like there is a lot more to come plot-wise. I know Louis' work will play a major role, but I can't help but think there is something more brewing underneath...?

In terms of CC, you might want to give the opening paragraphs another look over. There were a few tense changes again, which break up the flow. Two sentences that caught my eye: I'm not exactly sure whether he would actually be in his office, though it was worth a shot AND I'd been counting down until my supervision was over and when it finally was I'm caught off guard because it was no longer the number one thing I was looking forward to.

Also, and I think this is just a typo, but you have one of the group in the lab looking in a telescope. I think you might have meant microscope.

I'm sorry again and again for taking so long to get to your reviews. If I didn't totally drive you off, please feel free to request again anytime.

Author's Response: Those pesky tenses! That's definitely the area of grammar that really trips me up. And I definitely meant microscope, thanks for pointing that out!

I'm glad that Louis's character is making him likable for you, though. I definitely wanted to keep him grounded as a character so that readers wouldn't dislike him. No one likes a show off who doesn't have faults. And I definitely enjoy writing characters more so than the actual plot; for me, characters are what drive the plot, so it means a lot that you can see the side characters just as distinctly as you can Louis. Thanks again for the amazing feedback!


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Review #21, by Arithmancy_WizWolf Calling: Attack

16th April 2013:
I'm so unbelievably sorry how long it's taken me to get to your reviews. I'll bypass the round of excuses and just dive in!

This chapter really feels like you're really hitting your stride with Louis. He's continuing to grow as a narrator while still staying true to what you established in the first two chapters. His wit and somewhat self-defeating humor make him really likable.

I'm continuing to love the slow introduction of new characters. Shelby is a really interesting addition to the cast. Even if she doesn't return much later on, her brief appearance really gives some depth and background on Louis, but you've done it in a way that we the reader hardly realize it's happening.

The same goes for Lily too. That's one of my favorite thing about next-gen stories -- seeing how authors bring in familiar characters in unfamiliar ways. I like how she's a bit aggressive with Louis. It's nice to see a blend of personalities, and it's a good fit given her profession. Speaking of...

The plot is continuing to develop nicely, and I'm really glad to see Louis accept the job. That sets up a lot of possibilities down the road. But I'm really intrigued to see how, if at all, the newspapers/media might play into this. Clearly the werewolf bites are big news in the community. I'm wondering if public hysteria or werewolf prejudice will come into play in future chapters.

The only "major" issue I spotted was a slip in tense in the paragraph that starts: We reached the ER on the Dai Llewellyn ward and I follow Thomas... Also, in the line, "I can't say exactly whether Jonah will be stable enough to answer questions, especially since he's only six," Louis said. You switched to third person POV there.

Other than these two things, another solid chapter. Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks so much, Becky! I'm glad you found this chapter to be a solid addition to push the plot along at just the right speed. Also, Lily will make other appearances later on. As for prejudices against werewolves, more on that later on down the road. So far I haven't written it in, but that's just because it hasn't really surfaced directly in the plot yet. It might by the next attack though.

Thanks for pointing out those errors. I think I already went back and edited those when I first read this review, but I can't remember. I'll have to go back and double check and if I didn't I will edit those mistakes. Thanks again for reviewing! (:


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Review #22, by Arithmancy_WizBefore They Fall: Christmas Day

8th April 2013:
Fine, I guess I'll just have to settle for being review 499. So close!

Awww, what a cute chapter. It's full of so much warm, fluffy goodness. Sure, it's a bit "slower" in the action/plot department but you really tapped into the relationship side of things. James and Lily's romantic relationship got some attention, of course. We can really see them growing more and more comfortable with each other with every chapter. But also Lily and her girlfriends at the start, making breakfast together. And the adults and their relationships to each other and to the kids. Even that little hint of Lily having a serious moment with Remus "off camera" -- confiding in him about her concern for James. Very well done all around :)

I thought the Christmas presents were adorable. The blanket was so creative (both for you and for James). It's been clear throughout the story and directly in this chapter that James wants to protect Lily. He can't really protect her from her nightmares, but he's created something that can. And Lily's gifts were just as sweet. I don't remember if you mentioned her being a painter in previous chapters so the picture was definitely a surprise. But the snitch felt very natural -- Lily would be just the kind of person to take something a person likes and somehow make it very personal.

But seriously... "We all put loads of our happy memories in the blanket, so you should have enough to last a lifetime." Saying a "lifetime" when we know how this ends? Are you trying to make us all cry?

I think my favorite part of the chapter had to be Mrs. Longbottom trying to fatten up Alice. I never really put it together with her being Alice's mother-in-law before this moment. That can NOT have been fun for Alice, no matter how sweet a person she is. The way she idolizes and compares Neville to his father, you just KNOW no woman was good enough for her Frank.

You mentioned Lily's fear -- or lack there of -- in your AoC, so I'll hit on that. Personally, I didn't have a problem with the way you had her handling it. She's already been through one major trauma, and this time everyone survived, so she does have some level of perspective here. Sure, not everyone might deal with it all so well, but she does have a point about at least it all being out in the open now. Wasn't there a scene a few chapters ago where her and James sort of talk about waiting for something to break (or am I totally making that up?!). This is sort of a natural extension of that. Plus you offset it nicely by having James struggling with it a little more. Having them both bounce back relatively quickly might have felt a bit off because people process things at different speeds. So in a way, knowing he's having a bit more trouble letting go makes Lily's reaction seem more natural.

Okay, the lack of length in this review is making me feel like I must have missed something. Oh well, I'm sure I'll be back to hitting the character limit soon enough. It must be April Fool's Day hangover :P

One typo: It was a fact that could still break her if she let it, but she learned to allow the agony sweep through her then shooed it away.

The there is a missing "to" between agony and sweep, but the tense also feels a bit off here. Maybe... but she'd learned to allow the agony to sweep through her before shooing it away.

And this isn't really a typo, but at one point during dinner, Lily things, "Maybe she'd ask him what had been wrong tomorrow or something." But doesn't Lily already know what's going on? Remus just told her he blames himself when bad things happen. She does it again towards the end of the chapter: "There's been something wrong with you today. I know that what happened to us was... well, I can't even describe it. But James, if you keep blaming yourself, I'm going to start getting angry." She says there's been "something wrong," like she doesn't know what it is, but then the next sentence she says exactly what's wrong: that he's blaming himself for what happened. Anyway, you might want to take a second look and perhaps clarify that Lily either knows James' mood is a reflection of his guilt/internal blame, or she doesn't know and he has to explain that here at the end.

Gah! I'm caught up!!! I get to start reviewing "live." I'm so excited!

Wonderful chapter, as always. Guess I'll be waiting for next Saturday just like everyone else to find out what happens next.

Author's Response: Okay let's try this again with the response that was actually meant for you :P

I'm such a sucker for writing these slower more character development moments. I love writing the big ones, but then these little ones make me feel so fuzzy. And I've really been missing time with just the girls together. My sister just got engaged, but I'm all the way over here on this side of the country, so if more girl time feels come in you'll know why :P

I was so lucky that Christmas present idea come to me. To be honest, up until I actually got here, I had no idea what James was going to get Lily. And I'm usually such a huge planner! I don't even know where the blanket came from now, but I'm incredibly glad that it came from somewhere haha. I love what you said about him finding a way to make sure she's protect in nightmares! Can I hug you?! I'm hugging you.

The only time Lily's painting has been mentioned before was back during a flashback. She was painting a picture of Ireland after her and Petunia got into a fight before she left for Hogwarts. I always meant to bring it back up, but I just kept forgetting. Haha.

BECKY. THAT LINE ABOUT THE LIFE TIME. No joke, I almost lost it. I swear so many instances in this story I just want to throw a toddler fit kicking and screaming and tell the universe that THEY CAN'T HAVE LILY AND JAMES. I'm happy that line made you sad, too. Look, I'm turning us both into big babies.

You don't think Augusta would have been a fun mother in law?! Wait... I'm confused. Aren't ALL mother-in-laws the BEST THINGS EVER? Sorry. As you can tell, I'm not quite over the visit yet. hahahha. But I love what you said about no matter how sweet Alice is, and no matter how much Augusta loves Alice, she'll never let Alice feel completely perfect for her wittle baby boy.

Hahah no you aren't totally making that up!! There was a scene a few chapter back, The Order where they were talking about just that. About wanting something to happen so it could all be over with.

One typo?! I'm giving myself and Dan an award for that. Hahah

I can't believe I didn't stop what you just pointed out in your last paragraph. Thank you so much for pointing that out. I'm going to edit that up to make it seem more like Lily does know but just really wants to hear what's bothering James from him.

And you're on Live review time!! I can't believe how much of this story you've reviewed. Can I come to your lovely state and just squish you??? A lot??

I'm headed over to TGS to drop my AoC off! Yay!


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Review #23, by Arithmancy_WizThe Worst: Dreading The Worst

5th April 2013:
Tag! Oooh, a werewolf story! How could I resist?

You've done a really great job of diving straight into the action here. Throwing Dominique into the heart of this dangerous situation really captures the reader's attention and has us caring for her right from the start. It's definitely a great way to kick off a chaptered fic.

I really liked the way you set the scene first before dipping into the backstory of why Dominique was out in the middle of forest during a storm. It makes you feel like you're right there with her in the cottage. The wind, the rain, the worn furniture, the howling of the wolves. It's all very ominous and adds to the sense of danger. It's nice to get some information on why she is there, but too much might have broken the tension of the scene.

It's an interesting twist that these werewolves are seen as mostly docile. And the mention of Hermione's work with werewolf legislation... It seems like perhaps attitudes towards werewolves have changed in the years since the war. I'm interested in how that might play out in future chapters and if this attack on Dominique will have any impact on the way people view werewolves these days.

You might want to be on the lookout for some awkward phrasing. For example: When she had first realized that her three-day-stay would be evolved into a week, she hadn't minded. "Would be evolved" is a bit off. "Was evolving" or "had evolved" are a bit more traditional phrasing. Same with "...they also told her point blank that they couldn't hold any responsibility for their actions when they turned." The more common phrasing would be "they couldn't be held responsible for..."

Other than that, this was a really exciting start to your story. I'm glad I caught you in the review tag thread :)

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing, I am sorry for the late response!

I am pleased you liked the 'action', and that you think it was a good way to start the fic.

Its a relief that you liked how I set the scene first before going into the backstory. I was worried it might be too much info, but I guess it's okay.

Well, in the further chapters it will be revealed as to why this 'docile' werewolf attacked her ;) Changed laws don't necessarily mean changed views though, but well, we'll see how it all plays out as the story progresses.

Thanks a lot for pointing out those awkward phrases. English is not my first language (though I am quite well-versed with it) so I tend to make some mistakes time and again. I'll definitely take your comments in consideration and edit =)

Thank you for all your thoughtful words, I am glad you liked this!


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Review #24, by Arithmancy_WizOne Crazy Moment: Taking Risks

2nd April 2013:
Tag!

This story is turning out to be really fun and easy to read! I love that Molly said no initially to the date. I wanted her to say yes after reading the first chapter, but this set-up was even better than having her agree straight out. From what we've seen of Molly so far, she takes her job very seriously, so I can see her declining the invitation so as not to appear unprofessional. But I'm so glad you managed to get them together anyway.

The detail with the waitress was a really nice touch. I loved the line, "Luckily, he seems quite oblivious to the attention and she sashays away, swinging her hips so much I'm surprised she doesn't fall over." It's great to see that even your background characters have some dimension.

Molly is so blunt! I love that. I love how she just comes out and says she agreed to the date because she felt sorry for Cyrus, and how she rejected his training center because it was a stupid idea. She isn't trying to be mean, but she doesn't sugarcoat the truth, does she? It was nice to see some insecurity and uncertainty from her though too. Sometimes quirky or humorous characters can be a little one-dimensional or cartoonish, but Molly clear has some depth to her. I liked that you included the subtle references to her family's fame. Clearly it's something that bothers her on some level and could be an issue if she gets into a relationship with someone else who's very well known.

Another cliffhanger of sorts! I love when authors end chapters in a way that leaves the reader guessing. My only "CC" is that I was a little surprised to see Cyrus wearing a dragon skin jacket being that he likes dragons so much. But other than that, this was another fun chapter. Hopefully I have a chance to tag you in the review thread again soon!

Author's Response: Hello!

Well, Molly couldn't really have said no to a date with Cyrus, could she? But her job is very important to her and she doesn't want to seem unprofessional, so she wasn't going to say yes straight away, either.

Yes, Molly is blunt - I like to think that the filter between her brain and her mouth doesn't always work! I had a lot of fun writing that, because I'm generally far too polite to say what I'm really thinking. She does have insecurities, and that was one of the most important things for me writing this. I really wanted her to seem realistic.

Her family's fame is one of her issues, and it's part of why she doesn't have a close relationship with her family. It's not really that she resents them for being famous; she dislikes the attention that she gets just for being associated with them, rather than for what she's done. It's very rare that she meets someone who understands that she wants to be liked for herself rather than her family.

Oops! I never actually thought about the dragon skin jacket! I'll probably edit that, but until I get the chance, I'll say that Cyrus only wears dragon skin clothes if they come from the shedded skin of a dragon? That's probably not a very satisfactory explanation, but thanks for pointing it out!

I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying the story, and thanks for the review!

nott theodore :)


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Review #25, by Arithmancy_WizOne Crazy Moment: The Interview

25th March 2013:
Hi, nott. I'm here for the review tag. Just as a quick side note, if you plan to keep posting in the review tag thread, it would be helpful to the other members if you included a link to your author's page in you signature :)

This was a really good first chapter! I'm a huge next-gen fan, so I was already excited to take a look, and this didn't disappoint. You've done a lot to set up Molly's character here. She's got a lot of sass but also a good head on her shoulders. First person is a really intimate narration style, so it's extra important for the reader to want to be in the head of the narrator, and with Molly's wit, I can already tell this is going to be a good style match.

There were lots of great little tidbits throughout the chapter. I loved the name "The Unspeakables" for a band. Very clever! And the matter of how to address someone in a business situation is so true to life. It really can be awkward at times. I think my favorite line of the chapter was: I didn't realise when I was getting dressed this morning that I was going to need sunglasses for this meeting. Cyrus was laying it on pretty thick there, and I'm glad Molly isn't the type of girl to be won over by a few flirtatious smiles.

It was nice to see that Cyrus seemed to really care about his petition though. He comes off a bit arrogant and very aware of his own charm, but knowing he has a passion for something besides himself gives him some depth right out of the gate. It makes me hope Molly says yes to the date.

Overall, a very nice chapter. The writing was clean, you've introduced some interesting characters and you've left the reader wondering what will come next. A very nice start to your story!

Author's Response: Hello!

Thanks for the suggestion to include the link in my signature. I'm still new on the forums but I've added it in - hopefully it will help!

I'm so glad that you enjoyed this chapter! Molly's character seemed to write herself for me after a certain point, and I'm glad that I managed to get her wit across.

It took me ages to come up with the name for Cyrus' band. I can't tell you how long I sat saying random words to try and choose one that sounded right, so I'm glad you like that! And yes, Cyrus was laying it on thick, but Molly is all business when she goes to work, so she's not likely to give in to looks and charm on something so important. I have to admit, that line is one of my favourites too :)

Cyrus does really care about his application, and I really didn't want him to seem as shallow as most celebrities often come across. He didn't have to go into dragon handling when he left The Unspeakables, so he has to be pretty passionate about it to take on the risks of that profession.

I'm really glad you enjoyed this chapter, and thank you very much for the review! I hope you find time to read the rest of the story!

nott theodore :)


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