Hello Quill! Nice to meet you. First review on this, so here we go.
I think it's kind of a neat idea to write a short bit about the Sorting Hat, but what you have . . . well, it doesn't go anywhere.
The Sorting Hat sings in lyrics, with rhymes and the whole lot. You just have the Sorting Hat talking at random about this and that. I think that what the Sorting Hat is saying is important, of course, and I think it's very neat that you're trying to give more character and background to the Hat, but you have to put more into it I think.
Go back to the books, and look at how the Sorting Hat sings. Look at how its lines are structured, and how it says stuff. It doesn't go on long explanations of things or long sentences, it goes in short snipits.
Plus, I think you need to give a bit more than just the song, or at least give the song deeper meaning and such. It just seems like the Sorting Hat is just talking to itself, and that's it. We don't get any feeling that this is it for the Sorting Hat, no more will it sort, and everything else.
So, I'm afraid this will be getting a 5. I don't like to give low marks, really, and I think this can be made a lot better. Again, look back to the books, when it actually has the Sorting Hat singing. Look at the rhythm of its songs, how they rhyme, all of that, and work it into what you want to say. If you have to, get a rhyming dictionary online (there are loads of them), and use that to help. Perhaps even look at some Sorting Hat songs here at hpff in other stories. Your story actually caught my eye because in my long 7th yr novel HP and the Oroborus Light, my chapter 9 is titled "The Sorting Hat's Last Song". It's an idea to look at it perhaps. I'm not trying to boast, no, but I've been told it has the same style as JKR's in a way.
But that's my advice. Sorry to sound all negative, I don't mean to, I'm just trying to help you out is all. Again, the idea is great and what you're trying to say is good; you just have to (I think) work on saying it better.
Best of luck!
5 / 10Author's Response: I appreciate the long review. I am aware that it is not the same style as J.K. Rowling. I chose to focus more on the content than format and rhyming. I think that as it is the last song, the hat would be more concerned with getting it's message across than making it sound perfect. This song is different from all other songs so why shouldn't the format be different? However, I may add a bit more back ground, I can see your point. Thanks for the advice! Report Review
Hello again J, back again for another review.
Well, this chapter . . . it's much like the first, and needs a good amount of redo. I'm sure if you went through and read it, you could totally understand why you should redo it.
All the one-line paragraphs are kinda eye-soring, you know? There's no structure, no emphasis on anything really. It just kinda drones on, jumping from thing to thing. You have to fill in a lot of parts. You have to give realistic explanation for things, or why Hermione or Harry would think certain things. It's done way too much in non-canon ships (even in canon ships too) where people just throw the characters into loving each other without any real basis for it. I mean, Hermione had a dream, and now she's overly in love with Harry? It's too far fetched to be realistic. I mean, don't get me wrong, it could be much more believable, but you need to expand on a lot of things and explain stuff better. I can imagine when you wrote this, like a lot of other people when they're starting out, they tend to jump ahead to what they want to really get at. It seems like you don't really want to explain Harry and Hermione's feelings for each other, but rather just deal with the conflict inside each of them between those feelings and the ones for the Weasley's (Ron for Hermione, Ginny for Harry). That's all well and good, but you can't rush past all the foundation of those feelings just to get to them debating them, you know?
I just think that's the big thing you're missing out on in this story. You're just rushing through everything like a freight train, when you really need to slow down and take your time. I know some people would say love can just "pop" like that, but I think even you can agree that with Harry and Hermione, it wouldn't just "pop". Dreams are good ways of developing character's unearthed feelings, because they bring up things that the character might not know about him/herself, but you have to pace yourself, and try not to be so amazingly obvious. Give subtle clues, make the character make the connections, and make the connections not easy to find. Then you have lots of development, a detective sort of way of figuring out their feelings, and all the while you can begin to transfer the dream feelings into real life, which then turns into the stuff you're dealing with now.
Anyways, it's super late, and I have to work tomorrow. There's some more advice, and I do hope you take it and use some of it. I have a banner all ready for you. I was going to wait to give it to you until you revised your first chapter, but I'll go ahead and give it to you now. The only reason I was thinking of waiting, is that I thought it might motivate you to edit this story, then improving on it and filling in a lot of the gaps.
Anyways, the banner is at my Dark Arts Gallery (again, go to the Member's Galleries, and go to mine, which is under my penname (it's circinusphoenix there too)). The banner is in the first section, under the heading "A recent banner I made for an author at HPFF". I basically just went ahead with what you asked, trying to be as creative with what you wanted as possible. Luna wouldn't really fit, so sorry about that.
Just remember to host the image as before, and credit as before too. :)
But I'll try to come back again for more chapters, but again, I'd really love to see you revise the story. Maybe getting the banner itself will give you the determination to revise. :)
Hope you like the banner!
6 / 10 (-1 for spacing and structure, -1 for giving Harry almost the same dream as Hermione (it works sometimes, but you have to vary it at least a bit), -1 for lack of inner thought to the characters, and -1 for having Harry waking up screaming someone's name (now that's an example of a cliche in HP, but here I don't understand why he's screaming Hermione's name).Author's Response: Hello again!
My, this has been one of those weeks. I just got braces on Monday so my mouth hurts and then yesterday a piece of them broke off so I've been freaking out about that. Ugh, sorry. This week has been slower than a turtle with four broken legs trying to walk! (Poor turtle...)
Anyway, enough about that. Thanks so much for your advice it does mean a lot to me, but I'm really not in a position to get working on it right now. I just feel so worn down, you know?
But I believe I'm one of those people who feels totally dead one day and then kinda hops back up and starts a huge project. You have helped me realize this will be a huge project, but I'm up to it. I just want to thank you for not giving up on me and still trying to offer your help (and I promise, this will not be a lost cause).
It just amazes me how time makes such a difference. A year ago, I thought that story was wonderful and my best. Now, I realize it wasn't. Kind of weird, huh?
The banner is fabulous and beautiful (no surprise there) and you're absolutely right, it has definitely given me motivation. When I put that banner up, the story is going to be just as beautiful and well done. That's a promise.
I really do appreciate your help, even more so when I know you have a much busier life than my own. I won't let you down! Reading my chapters, giving that well-thought out advice and making that lovely banner will not be wasted time.
I really do appreciate it (I know, you're probably just like "shut up already I get it" but really. It means a lot).
Thanks again and good luck with your classes, gallery and stories!
*J Report Review
Hey there J! As I said, I would come by and take a gander at your story. I'll admit, the plot is interesting. It has some potential for sure, but you are very correct in that the story needs revision (or at least this chapter).
Again with the choppiness, take the short one point sentences and tie them together to make longer, more flowing ones.
Next, describe more! A dream should be filled with description, especially description other than sight. How did it smell? Was it cold, warm? Were they outside or inside? How did things sound? Plus sight itself, there's a lot you could add to what Hermione sees to help us along.
You also have to let us know if she does have a thing for Ron. I mean, she picked Ron after Harry disappeared, but does she actually like Ron here? I mean, does she like Ron and is trying to hide liking Harry? Or does she like them equally? We don't know that, and it's an important piece of info.
With going to see Professor Trelawney, Hermione probably wouldn't call any professor and "old bat," but you perhaps should give more reason for her to go to her. Perhaps Hermione goes to the library for books on dreams, but doesn't find anything conclusive. She has no choice really but to go to Trelawney, and even then, she really doesn't want to go. And Professor Trelawney should be a bit more . . . jumpy, or edgy at least. She should kinda press on Hermione's tolerance for all this non-sense. You know, "My inner eye knew you were troubled by something!", and some eye-rolling and such.
Add some stuff like that, give the chapter more fibre, then it'll take off much better I think. The ending, with getting the Red Rose, we kinda don't know if it's a shocker or not (it's more a not by how you have it), but it should be, or at least make Hermione uncomfortable with having more trouble.
Overall though, again, the premise of the story is neat. One thing that popped to mind is to have them both holding only one rose (it's a bit more romantic I think for just one than a bunch, you know?).
Also, perhaps change the chapter title to "The War of the Roses". If you dabble in any British history, there's a connection there (two families fighting over who should be the monarchy in the 15th century England, one who's symbol is a white rose (York), the other who's a red (Lancaster). If you change it, you'd have to change it to Harry holding the white roses though ('cause the family with the white rose ended up winning). that's just an idea though.
As to a banner, I think it's doable. All I might ask however, is that you perhaps start revising. Not totally redoing or anything, but cleaning it up. You did admit, it's an older story that is need of revision, and it would do well I think to revise it (at least this chapter) before a banner is put up.
But I'll get started on a banner. Let me know if you want anything specific in it that comes in later chapters, but I have ideas already.
Hope those points help, and I look forward to seeing your revisions! I'll of course let you know when I have a banner done.
7 / 10Author's Response: Thanks so much! I really appreciate your points!
All I would really like on the banner... I'm trying to think of something creative because having three people on the banner might make it kind of squashed... well obviously it needs Hermione. And two roses: one red, one white. Also, two violets: one blue, and one that's clearly darker, closer to purple.
All right here's an idea: if you have Harry and Hermione in the center, with the red and white roses near Hermione and the blue and purple violets near Harry. That's really important.
I don't want to take away your creative license, but those are the things that I believe are pretty crucial. There could also be a cauldron with pink potion in it (there is a love potion in it. Cliche, I know, forgive me). Not crucial, but an idea.
And then there is Luna's presence in the story, which actually ties it all together. I am no artist, so forgive me if this sounds er... kindergartner-ish, but if the font you use for the title could look like it was painted, with a paintbrush at the end, that would sum up Luna's part.
But again, use your best judgment. I don't really have the eye for this sort of thing.
Well thanks again! Report Review
Hello there J! I mentioned in my reply to your review how sorry I was for not coming back to review more of your story, so here I am. I know you asked me for a banner for another of your stories (the Rose/Violet one), but I thought to come here to read this first. I probably won't get to the other story until tomorrow or so, but I'll try to get to that one soon. :)
I like your description of Hermione's parent's attitude, with the child stealing from the cookie jar then getting a cold . . . it really helps the reader understand how Hermione meant by "odd," because I think most people could picture the child analogy, so very well done there.
Same thing as before with stringing short sentences together. "Puzzled, she bent down to pick it up. It was a piece of white paper, with something scrawled on it." for example can become: "Puzzled, she picked it up and found it was a piece of paper with something scrawled on it." You don't have to say she bent down, that's sort of implied by picking something up from the floor, you know? Just try perhaps to tie more short sentences together to let the story flow a little easier.
Same with the next paragraph with finding the paper reading 3312 Fifth Avenue. Lots of one point, choppy sort of sentences. Go and read it over again, then read this as an example:
"3312 Fifth Avenue" she read aloud, a sudden flash of memory appearing in her mind of a green street sign stating "Fifth Ave". Squinting her eyes in thought, she looked over the numbers on the note, and another memory came, Hermione remembering an old brick building with the same four numbers in gold.
But as suddenly as the two memories came, they were gone. She sighed thoughtfully and looked at the writing again.
"I've been there before . . ."
I don't know, is that an example somehow? Group short sentences together and allow the structure to help you with descriptions. Having that last line by itself with . . . after tells the reader it's more Hermione thinking out loud than a full statement.
Now don't go rewrite everything to the way I say, I just put that there as an example, advice, you know? It is your story, and it's working well as it is, I'm just trying to help a fellow writer. :)
Moving on, the lyrics in the story . . . well, personally, I'm not a fan of song-fics, so having lyrics in the middle of a story kinda detracts the reader. Perhaps adding mystery instead and say "a song" reminded her of that memory, then telling us later what actual song it was, would help.
Oo, Hermione got her Mum fired? Not good! Remember both her parents are dentists, so I'm not sure if they'd be working for a corporation, though they might. I'm not that strict on canon stuff, but just a thought.
She apparated away in the car? Wow, talk about causing a car crash! Why would she do that? Hermione's not one to runaway.
Ron was there? Is that his home, or her flat? I'm confused. You'd think Hermione would at least find out fully where she was and who's place it is before just going off to a pub. Plus I thought she was sad? She just found out she got her Mum fired, and she can't remember things for the past 2 weeks. Not much of a drinking mood, is it?
So why did Ron ask Hermione to the pub if he knew she would ask him about the place and what happened? Hermione's a detective at heart, she needs to know everything, so of course she'll ask about the place she just about walked into! Plus getting mad a a girl who's suffering amnesia isn't exactly that decent, is it? But at least Hermione thinks it over why Ron might be like that, at least for short moment.
Hmm . . . that last run in with Luna is quite, well, convenient (that Luna was coming by just as she walked out), but it's definitely leading me to conclusions on what Hermione did. She was angry, her and Ron did something that Ron is now ashamed and angry of, and Luna is upset with what Hermione did . . . me thinks some messing around may have happened!
Overall J, not so bad. It moves around rather . . . well, quickly. This chapter I think should have been drenched in Hermione's narrative thought. She must have so much going through her mind, and she must desperately want to think out everything, but you have her jumping around a lot with no real long narratives explaining what she's thinking over. That reaction Ron had should have sparked loads of thoughts from Hermione, same with the news of her mother's job. Hermione's a thinker, completely and utterly, and she really thinks things through, thinking out all the possibilities and outcomes. Hearing her thoughts I think would really help press how confused and how upset yet troubled she is about the whole situation. Plus, it would let us understand why she's jumping from place to place to figure things out.
I know it must sound like I hated the chapter, but I didn't J, don't fret. Most of what I said was advice, that you can take or leave. Just trying to help. But the story sounds like it's coming along. Much more mystery now, and Hermione's as confused as ever! :) It'll be interesting to see where the rabbit hole leads to next.
8 / 10 (just a -1 for Hermione not drilling into Ron for getting all upset at an amnesia suffering girl whom he asked out for a drink, and a -1 for a little lack of Hermione's thoughts on things).Author's Response: Well I really do appreciate your help maybe you should beta you really have a clear understanding about all of this.
It's just a big pain how long validating takes you know? I wish I could just go back and fix stuff without having to wait, but then that would delay the next chapter, people might lose interest, blah blah blah. It's a vicious cycle!
And I am sooo horribly disappointed with chapter... er.... i think it was five. I don't really remember, but it was where Hermione and Ron kind of had a heart-to-heart.... I totally lost the characters. It wasn't beyond fixing, but there was a lot of good element I wanted and I just didn't know what to fix and what to leave alone. It was quite nightmarish, but no one has really said anything about it even though I practically begged for criticism or suggestions... yeah. Not good. But what's a path without obstacles, right?
And don't rush on the banner there's seriously no hurry. Thanks so much for the advice and don't worry I know you're just trying to help. I appreciate that you actually put some thought into this for me, because most people just say "that's good ok post soon." And don't get me wrong, I appreciate that too, but I just kind of sit there and think "Okay, so that's it? Good job? Pat on the back and a gold star? What did I do well? What needs fixing? Do you really like it or are you just saying that?" Ha I am an over-thinker, I know, but still! At least give me something to think about instead of nothing that my brain has to work to turn into something!
And there was this one review where the person said my story was really cliche and I just sat there thinking "Ok, cliche. What about it is cliche? Do you personally think it's cliche or is that what people have been saying? What can I do to make it not so cliche?" It's frustrating, but I suppose I should be happy that people are reviewing. Most people don't even bother. Rawr. Maddening.
Well anyway thanks so much for your advice and I don't know what I'll do... if the validation time gets shorter perhaps I can go back and make a few edits... I really do appreciate your help!
Thanks again and take your time on the banner. And if you read the story please remember it is not my best work and is very rough... but I like it because it has character (like an old broken down shed. Ha ha just kidding) and it also shows how my writing has matured from when I wrote that to now. I think you know what I mean. It's kind of like the finger paintings you did in first grade that your mom has on the fridge. It's embarassing when your friends see it, but you want to leave it up because it has memories and shows you have way more artistic talent now than back then. Dumb example but whatever. ;D
Thanks again and I look forward to seeing the banner!
*J Report Review
Well hello there! I'll be honest, I haven't read a story here on hpff in ages, but as I was scanning through the lists, I saw your story, and the summary caught my attention. I must say, you have a very mature way of writing, because the summary in itself is compelling.
As for your first chapter, I think it does a good job, in that it throws up a whole load of questions for us to think about: What's up with Harry? Does Harry know why she has the bump on her head? The dream of course, what's that mean? and it goes on. Harry obviously did something wrong though, why else could he not look at Hermione? And he stayed with her all that time to make sure she was safe, while Ron and Ginny didn't.
One thing that I think you might want to check on, is making your writing a bit more . . . well, flowing. It does well right now, but especially in the first paragraph, you tend to have only one fact per sentence. It was snowing. The wind was blowing. Hermione was walking through the heavy snow. Try to combine sentences, and allow them to flow into each other a little more, you know? It's important in the first paragraph I think to paint a good picture of the surroundings, and you do a wonderful job of it, but it sometimes sounds choppy with having short and one-fact sentences, you know?
Also, it might be an idea to put in some sort of divider to let the reader know that time has passed. The transition from that first paragraph to the second is instant, however you find out it was actually 2 weeks! Now yes, it may have felt like that to Hermione, for the reader, they may get confused when beginning that second paragraph, since it has no connection to the first. Perhaps add a * divider, like this:
Or something, to let people understand there is a break in the time-line, like at that moment, and also when Hermione passes out and wakes up in the Hospital.
Lastly (I know, it sounds like I didn't like your story, but I really do like it!), make sure you keep facts correct. There wouldn't be any monitor in a Wizard's hospital, nor doctors (they're Healers, remember?). Also, Ginny asks what the doctors said about her condition, but then she says that the doctors said she would be released tomorrow . . . how would she know one thing, but not the other at the same time?
But those are some points for you to consider. I think you may have something good here though. While you're taking the cliche amnesia trick, I think you'll take it in a different direction. Most people here at hpff take the amnesia route, and have the character fall madly in love with another, or have it that they don't remember a torrid love affair. You've placed a good deal of mystery already in the story though, and it'll be interesting to see how it plays out. All in all, a very good start to a mysterious story!
8 / 10
ps - if you'd like a banner, I have some neat ideas that might work for you, if you'd like! :)Author's Response: Oh my goodness! Thank you so much! You have no idea how long I have been waiting for a nice, long, honest review. It's always people saying "good, update soon" whereas all I am waiting for is constructive critiscism or details of something I did well! You just made my day!
As to your suggestions, thank you! You're right, there were a few mistakes... er... more than a few. I'm only human, we all have to make them. Those will be fixed, no worries.
Actually, I am horrible at figuring out mysteries. What kind of inspired me is the movie Wicker Park (disclaimer: I don't own the characters in Wicker Park, I am not at all associated with any of the producers, it's just a movie I saw and liked). If you haven't seen that movie, I urge you to do so. The story I am planning really has no relation to it, but the whole movie comes in bits and pieces and you have to put them together yourself in order to figure out what's happening. It was very confusing, but very memorable.
I'm actually typing out the plan on my computer to make sure I know what I am doing. I am the kind of person to hop down a bunny trail and never come back. And as to your comments about choppiness and flow, ugh I know! It's such a bad habit, but I'm growing as a writer. At least I hope I am. ;)
Believe it or not, I'm not even out of high school yet, so my writing is definitely not publish-worthy just yet!
Also, there will be a love thing, but I wouldn't exactly call it an affair... but I might be on the same trail as other amnesia writers. I don't really know. But the real focus of the story is Hermione's path to self-discovery. She's going to realize she made some mistakes, and has to fix them. I don't want to say too much though. I wouldn't want to give the whole story away! Then again, I can't really, because I have no idea what's going to happen either! ;D
Anyway, thanks so much for your honesty, and OH YES YES YES YES PLEASE MAKE ME A BANNER! That would be so wonderful if you could. I love banners so much, they're my favorite part of my stories (besides actually writing them).
I know I probably sound like a little kid to you, but I like to have fun with life. I always freak out when mature-sounding people like you review me, because then I ask myself the eternal question:
Would they think it's weird... if I put a... SMILEY FACE in my response? Ha. Hope you got a laugh from that.
Well thank you so much for reading and reviewing, and I do hope that when this story ends it will satisfy you!
;0 *J Report Review
Alright! Last chapter posted!
This one, well, you've flipped around compared to the others. The first couple were all high on life kinda thing, and this one . . . well, we get the usual sad at the world and everything's against Harry look on things. It's good, but you need to mix the good and the bad together. The two chapters before this seem to focus on the good things, and this one the bad. Harry finds out that the world he's in now is in fact terrible too, he's tormented by Ginny and Aaron, he can't tell anyone the truth for some reason, he's never seen his parents yet, though he's seen his sister (and that, at least by this chapter, doesn't mean that much anymore), and all the while, he feels socially awkward with Hermione.
Still, I like your work here with Harry and Hermione. It's good to see the whole up and down they had here, and how yes, even though we don't know how long they've been together, it still seems like Harry isn't rushing into all the mushiness. Plus, part of me of course likes that Harry is trying to get together with Hermione. What can I say, I'm a Harmony shipper! :)
The whole underground war that's going on, it's pretty cool, thought you're somewhat vague as to who is fighting who, and why. I'm getting the idea that half-breeds and muggleborns are in danger, but from who or what? I think it's the Ministry, I'm just not sure. It's good to get this information as well, and t he timing is pretty good, but all the doom and gloom stuff . . . seems somewhat excessive in this chapter. It's sort of the repetitiveness again, telling us over and over that he world he's in now is infact not as perfect as he initially thought.
But it's good that you're introducing some of these darker sides to the reality of Harry's new world. It would be an idea to even put the stuff about the war in the chapter before this one, to perhaps even out some of the bad news with the good, you know?
But all in all, this chapter I think was better paced, what with the Quidditch match and then the stuff with Hermione. A kiss between the two would have been nice to see, but who knows, maybe next chapter. :)
8 / 10Author's Response: Well I'm glad I've won you more over on this one! 8/10! I'm moving up!!! I gather from you that I have two things I need to work on which are to slow down and to stop being so repetitive.
I'm going to take these little advisements to heart I promise you.
By the way you and everyone else wanted that kiss. I can't make that happen yet. Same goes for Harry seeing his parents. Everyone seems really eager to have those things happen and those are the things that I want to hold off....again maybe I'm evil.
I've been trying to put Harmony hints in each chapter kind of alluding to what Harry might feel if he let himself ya know? I think they seem to be going well. I'm glad you liked it.
I totally did not plan to write in the fight or the make-up scene but it was one of those things where I was writing and I kept going and going. Then once I realized it I was like "wow I actually have a whole chapter with just this" and so I submitted it.
Anyway thank you again for everything. Your reviews have been really truthful and I really needed to hear them. I will go back and re-edit and hopefully improve the chapters. Then of course I will get back on track and write the 5th. Like you said I need to have a good base first.
~Meg Report Review
Hello again Meg!
Well, we meet some of Harry's family here, don't we? Emily is a nice name for a Potter I believe. When we meet her, she does sound a lot like Ginny, but we're just getting to know her. When Harry finds her Charms Essay, there's a huge paragraph where you just keep saying the same things over and over again. He found the paper, it was literal written proof he had a sister, and therefore a family. You say it like 5 times, and it gets repetitive. Again, remember, being repetitive is important sometimes, and this is one of those times I'd agree, but you go over it just a bit too much I'm afraid.
A small, silent tear slid down the side of his cheek and for the first time in his life Harry Potter found out what it was like to cry from happiness. - Again, wonderful line, 'cause it is true and something people would stop and say "hey, that's so right!" :)
Again, with the repetitiveness, in the Transfiguration class, you repeat things a lot. I know you're trying to make us really notice certain things, and how some things are really, really boggling Harry's mind, but there are other ways of doing it aside from Harry repeating things over and over again, even if he does so in different words. You did a good job at having Harry question why Hermione kissed him, and his thoughts about Ron and Ginny and such, but then you repeat the question "Why are they together though?", and you sort of dwell on it a little too much. We understand by now that things in this world are a lot different than the one Harry left. I'm surprised actually, that Harry hasn't asked about Voldemort, since tha was his biggest concern before he hit his head. And, it's also surprising Harry hasn't gotten worried about how this happened, if it's real, or that he hasn't told Ron or Hermione what happened and such.
The ending, with Quidditch and the Common Room, it did a little better I think. It wasn't so fast paced, we still learned some new stuff, and some things were still thrown at us, like this Aaron guy, but you didn't give us a lot of info. The Quidditch, well, again, it seems EVERYTHING in this world is perfect . . . well, except for Ron's keeper skills, but still. You have to still have some things go wrong or problems, otherwise it becomes, well, boring in its perfectness. I mean, this thing with Aaron and Ginny is a problem for Harry of course, but you've already alluded to H/Hr, and with that, it was in Harry's mind for a second, then we hear nothing about it.
The thing I think is the problem up to this point, is that in the second and third chapters, you're trying too hard to give us all the information, and you're trying to go too fast. Take your time! Really, the story becomes a million times better when an author takes their time, doesn't rush parts or events, and plans things out in some way. You've covered a lot of ground in 2 chapters with Harry in this new world, but there's SO much you haven't answered, and many of the things are first-question things, like Harry wondering how he got there, or what about Voldemort, or what's going on in the world. Big, big questions. Not "Who's this Aaron guy who's dating Ginny?". I mean, I know, he's a teen and that's important to him in the instant, but still, there's a lot you still need to cover in order to give your story a good base. Right now, it's still sitting on LOADS of questions, which I hope you answer soon. If you get too tangled up in this relationship stuff, and Harry's family, you'll lose a good amount of fibre to your story, and the whole basis on which it's built on.
These are again, just ideas and advice. You said this is your first story, so I am trying to help. Too many first-time authors have ideas, and they just want to splash it onto the computer screen asap. That's all well and good, but take your time and plan it out. Don't forget that this is Harry, and right at the beginning of chapter 1, he is VERY worried about Voldemort and the world. 2 chapters later, and his biggest concern is this Aaron guy? Do you see the quantum-leap there?
Take your time Meg, and don't rush! :)
7 / 10Author's Response: Man oh man!!!! My new goal is to please you overwhelmingly with chapter five when it comes out.
It sounds like I have a crap load of editing to do. I'm experiencing a writer's block for chapter five and now I'm just going to keep that block up until I go back and edit all this stuff. I really need to take my time!!! This is the same advice!!! I will learn I promise you!
All of your points are completely valid and are totally true. I really need to put more time into the story. I'm not looking to just push one out and I'm not looking to just make this a shipper story either.
I'm apologize so much for rushing. I'm really going to have to work on that. Anyway thank you again for your honesty.
p.s. Want to be my beta?.....j/k....yet kind of not. Report Review
Hello again there Meg!
Chapter two . . . It starts off alright. I sort of expected that you'd take the story this way, what with what I already knew. It's not bad, no, and not REALLY predictable (a little, I'll admit), but the beginning is good. It's good when you have the main character, like here, not sure of what's going on, and why things are how they are.
But one thing that's good, is to keep the main character, and the reader, in the unknown. Suggest about things, and give us little hints, and the reader will be enthralled with your story. One of the things I sort of thought could have gone a little better, was how Harry figures something isn't right about the world. You have him find out way too much I think in the beginning, and you have him agree he's in a different world. It takes all the mystery and a bit of the creativity from the story if you have all the answers given like that.
I think it would have worked better if perhaps you had Harry wake up as he did, still wondering about why he's at Hogwarts, walk through the castle, but when the doors to the Headmaster's office open, he hides, but he thinks he hears Dumbledore talking to McGonagall. Or perhaps he does, but then questions it. He tries to follow, but looses them. He might blame his head injury and his thought, and figure it was just his head playing games, then go back and then go to sleep again, wondering still what's going on. You have enough mystery there to keep the reader very into your story, without making all these conclusions and hearing about his parents and such.
The second half, well, it follows like the first. You have to portion out how you're going to give information to readers. It seems you want us to know a lot really fast, which from the first chapter, doesn't really fit. The first has a perfect pace, setting the tone and mood, the place, etc. This one, seems to jump around a lot more, and jolts of information get shunted to us, and Harry just assumes he's in a totally different world. I was expecting Harry to flip a lip, trying to understand this all.
I mean, I would have expected him to wake Hermione, and start berating her with questions. Hermione would act quite tenderly to him, and getting a lot of odd questions (like if Harry asked: "Well, what about Voldemort?", Hermione would say "Who?" or "Harry, he died before we were even born"), Madame Pomfrey would come in and interrupt saying Harry needed his sleep, giving him another potion before he could ask more questions.
You see? Sort of leave Harry more in the shadows, not sure what the answers could be, or what's going on. It would be great if Harry was spazing out when Dumbledore enters the Great Hall. Harry would be asking thousands of questions: "Why are we at Hogwarts? Why was I playing Quidditch, we just were at the wedding? Why is Dumbledore alive!?" Ron and Hermione would have to take him aside, and try to answer his questions, and it would end with, perhaps, Dumbledore coming and asking Harry if he's alright, and would like to talk, saying that his parents were coming to the school later that day.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm saying what you have is bad, 'cause believe me, it isn't. It's still very, very good. I just think it could be a little better if you didn't have all the answers being told to us. Give us hints, half-truths, and make Harry and us think about what's really happening. That's my advice.
But again, it's interesting seeing where this is headed. Hope the advice helps. I'm getting a pretty good idea how to make the banner, but I'm going to read on. :)
7 / 10Author's Response: Again thanks for the review. You're being completely honest and I really appreciate it.
All of the things that you've said are things that I've thought myself and how I've needed to go back and re-edit these chapters. I've been really eager to get these chapters out and see what people think that it's cause me to rush through them. I'm sorry. I'm going to have to take my time.
I think what I now want to do after reading your reviews is go back and re-edit everything. Put up the banner once it's done of course. And then finish my 5th chapter.
I agree with you totally on all of the things you talked about and I definitely appreciate you bringing me back to reality and saying all that stuff. Most of my reviewers are so eager for more that no one has actually given me a real review. I guess that's partially why I've been rushing to get these out. Also the parts that I'm excited about writing are the parts coming up so I think I've been partially rushing to get to those. I just need to breathe and take my time.
I submitted these chapters thinking "ok this is as perfect as it gets" and then I get reviews saying "nice job!" or "wow that was amazing". Although this is going to sound terribly mean, but you took me down from cloud nine. Yet I really needed that to happen. Because no piece is going to be perfect. I'll go back and re-read and then edit. I'm just going to have to perfect these chapters before I start the others because the others grow to become terribly important. So I need these to be perfect before I go on.
Anyway thank you soooo much. Keep reading and telling me more!
~Meg Report Review
Hello there Meg!
Well, I loved your opening paragraph. I am a very descriptive writer, so I like it when I'm reading, and I get a really nice picture of the opening scene like you put.
The wedding sounded like it was very wonderful, but an idea might be to make it sound less . . . well, "amazing". It seemed everything was perfect, which of course everyone wants, but I'd expect with the Weasleys there would have been a bit of . . . well, Weasley-ness there, if you know what I mean.
Another thing, sometimes it works well to tell us things again, or state logical conclusions after a comment, but sometimes it isn't needed as much. Example, you have: Sighing, he looked back out at the people on the dance floor. Harry watched as everyone danced about. There, we can already assume the people were dancing, 'cause they're on the dance floor. Saying the second sentence is really just clutter. Again, sometimes it's alright, but I'd watch out for it.
The Fred and George stuff is really well done I think here. You captured their actions quite well here. :)
His naivety and his innocence had escaped him just as Dumbledore breathed his last. - Awesome line! Though is "naivety" a word?
It was really great how you meandered through Harry's thoughts there, and mentioned a lot of important things. His wishing on the stars was a great touch of course, 'cause it's very easy to relate to. It would have been interesting I think if you added that he looked back up at the stars again when they sat back down, just to remind us again of the surroundings.
The blasting, you should have I think put more into it. You put a lot into Harry's thoughts and a lot into the dancing people (which is great, 'cause it's reminding us that there are a lot of happy people dancing right by this group at the table, with Harry thinking and wishing), but this blast across the tent happens in one sentence. It would be an idea to put a little more detail there, and make the blast a bigger thing, and show how disorientating it is for Harry, since he wasn't expecting it at all.
As for the tent falling . . . well, they're all wizards, why not just levitate the tent, or the pillars? It just seems like a rather . . . well, for lack of better words, lame thing to happen to Harry. To just get hit in the head with a wooden beam, it seems a little anti-climactic.
But still, a wonderful start. I like how you write so far, it's very nice and easy to read, though sometimes a little repetitive with some things. On to the next chapter, to see what happened with Harry and the others!
9 / 10
ps - Oh, and you should put R/Hr and maybe H/G in the pairings too. You actually had me wishing Ginny and Harry would kiss there, and I don't even like that ship! You wrote it very nicely, as well as the R/Hr thing with the blushing. :)Author's Response: You've just given me the best review I've gotten so far so thank you for being totally honest.
I'm sorry about the repetition. I'll try to remember that and I will go back and change that in the chapter when I have time. When I was first writing the Prologue I was just very eager to get it done and submit it that yes sometimes I did repeat things and I also neglected others. I know that the blast wasn't as well written as it should've been. I wanted it to be sudden, but also it's the last part of the chapter and I just wanted to get it done. So I'm sorry I rushed. I will have to edit it....I'm kind of compulsive about editing as you might be able to tell so yeah.
I'm glad you liked the line about his naivety and his innocence being lost. Naivety is actually a word. Surprisingly enough.
As for going through Harry's thoughts thats what I wanted to be the main focus of this Prologue. I wanted to introduce the reader into his somber thoughts. I always imagine him looking up at the stars and I guess I never really wrote that in except for that one line....it's funny how you forget to describe certain things.
As for the happy people dancing and all that repetition, I really wanted Harry to feel like a loner. Like he couldn't be happy unless this wish came true or until he finished off Voldemort. I just kept wanting to illustrate that and really drive that home to the reader. Harry's always been a loner, but this is a time when he should be happy and yet he can't be.
As for the blast and the pillar falling on him, I know it's not practical and I will probably have to go and rethink that whole part up again. I'm was guilty of committing the terrible sin of thinking like a Muggle and not a wizard. I'll try to go back and change it.
I'm glad that I made you want Harry and Ginny to kiss and that you thought my moment between Ron and Hermione was cute. I decided not to put that into the story summary because I always get confused when there are a lot of romances in a story. I would rather just know who to root for. Also I think it's keeping the readers right now on their toes. A lot of people have been complaining to me about not enough H/Hr and yet they're still reading.....so I'm just evil like that I guess.
Anyway thanks for the amazing review. You're quickly becoming my favorite person right now....I mean doing my banner, reviewing in detail....it's just glorious. So thanks again. I'm going to have to go back and edit!!!
~Meg Report Review
Hey there Jenn!
Huzah! Your first story finished! It was such a pleasure working with you on this story, helping you out with some of the aspects. Thank you for letting me in on some of the magic. :)
Of course, I screamed sometimes at this story for pushing Harry and Hermione apart, but I love the ending you have, letting Harry and Hermione get together all nice and cozily. :) Some people didn't like how you killed off Ron that quickly (some loved it however), but it's great how you progressed through Harry and Hermione's relationship slowly, giving us all those lovely and sweet moments between the two of them, as well as all those fiery conflicts. Wonderful ups and downs. :)
Your writing was always wonderful, and this story really brings it forth in a great way. You've had awesome success with this story too, lots of readers who love your work, and I have no doubts in my mind that if you continue with your stories like this, you'll definitely become a well known, and highly valued author here on hpff.
Again Jenn, an absolutely wonderful first story, very well done, and good luck with your other stories! :)
10 / 10Author's Response: Hey Chris! Thanks for comin' round! Wow, can't believe it's over! Thanks so much for all your hard work walking me through this fic. You've definitely impacted my writing, I can say that!!
LoL, you screamed at the story, I know you did, lol! I loved the chapters with all the blue print! Well, sometimes. Hehe!!
I have to admit that I doubt the possibility of becoming highly known around here, but that's alright, because I write because I love it, and that's enough. Thanks so much Chris!! Report Review
Hello. I came back to read more. Now, I will be frank with this review, because as I said before, I am trying to help. I started reading this chapter, but in all honesty, I could not get passed the half-way point.
Now don't get discouraged by that sentance. Don't forget, I want to help you out, and I want to try to give you advice that may improve your writing. So, with that in mind, here we go.
One thing that you still really, really need to work on is slowing things down. One of the reasons why I had to stop was because you just jump from action, to action. There's very little to no thought or description of things, and it gets very messy when you're trying to read, because the flow of the writing is all over the place.
What you need to do, as before, is to not rush things. I know, I know; you really want to introduce Tawny, but take it slow. That whole scene, with Harry coming to Grimmauld, it's just everywhere. Harry sees this, Hermione says this, Dumbledore just appears, suddenly there's this girl there, then we're in the girl's point of view, then Ginny's all of a sudden, then back to the girl's, then Harry's. See what I mean? It just goes everywhere, and it just becomes to hard to follow.
What you need to do, is again, move *slow*. When Harry gets to Grimmauld, have him describe how things are. Grimmauld would probably look like Grimmauld always does. For it to look so different, Harry would I think not wave it off. He would look at it in detail, and ask what they had done to the place, and why. This was Sirius' house, so for them to change it without Harry's knowing, it would be a big thing.
Then bring us into the kitchen. Yes, you tell us who's there, but tell us that the soup's being cooked, that Ron and Luna were sitting closely to each other, and that yes, they got together sometime in the next while.
With Ginny, oh my, with Ginny you have to give A LOT more story. It's like with Draco turning good, you can't just tell us Ginny's over Harry like that! I know you want the H/G thing to be gone easily, but that's TOO easy, and makes it terribly un-believable. Have Ginny maybe go and talk to Harry, and don't have her just say "I'm over you, I like another guy". No, have her ask how he's feeling, and have Harry ask, and have her say something like "I'm alright. I wish we could- but I know Harry, I know. Who knows, maybe Mr. Perfect will come by sometime soon?" (last part said jokingly). You know? If you want her to move on, fine, no problems, but it isn't as easy as her just saying it in one sentence.
Now, with Tawny, Harry wouldn’t just blindly accept this unknown girl in his house, even if Dumbledore let her know where it is. Harry would want to know about her, and ask Dumbledore why she's there, and why he told her the address without asking him. These are dark times, and one does not just accept people, especially into the Order's house.
With her introduction, do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell us she's Harry and Hermione's daughter! That ruins all the mystery! Having her flat out tell us that, it just takes away any fun for the reader, and it puts this story into another cliche, which about a sentence later, you add another one to (not just the child from the future cliche, but now the American student cliche). One thing about a character like this, you need to absolutely SOAK her in mystery! That brings so much life to a story, if you just tell us it all right away, it just makes the story bland and one-dimensional.
My advice . . . Give more reason for her being there (told by Dumbledore only to Harry), have her introduced to everyone, but stay in HARRY's point of view, maybe jumping into Ginny's. Do not go into Tawny's point of view. This is introducing one character to all the others, so you need to hear from the characters we already know, not the new one.
Mystery gets added here, when--not Harry or Hermione--but another character, like Ginny, notices how similar SOME things are to Harry, or Hermione. You have to make these similarities SMALL. Having glaringly obvious ones, like Hermione's bushy hair, or Harry's green eyes, are (again), cliches for future kids of H/Hr. Make Ginny question if there's a relation to Harry or Hermione IN HER HEAD, but don't have her say anything to Tawny.
Hugs - keep them out. Would you hug a stranger you just met? Probably not. Keep with handshakes, or waves.
And did I read that Ginny is a "sneer"? I think you mean "Seer", but when did that happen! Oh my, no, you have to explain A LOT more. And I mean, A LOT! You can't just make Ginny over Harry like that, make this Tawny girl tell us she's H/Hr's daughter from the future like that, and you can't make Ginny a Seer just like that! It's in the explaining that a story is built! If you just bolt us from that, to that, there is no real story.
That's where I stopped. After the back and forth, and multiple changes in point of view, and all these secrets just getting blurted out on the screen, I had to stop.
And please get a beta. There are a lot of odd sentences, and it gets hard to piece together what you're trying to say.
Again, this is advice. I am trying to help, I really am, because, well, I guess it's in my nature to help. But you need to take the story you have--because you do have a story--and just really, REALLY slow it down, and explain things. It's just like Draco in chapter 1, you can't just make him good like that, and you understood why. This is the same thing, you can't just "make" things or people like that, you need to explain.
I do hope this helps a little. Good luck, and you have my email now. If you would like more help, I'm willing to offer. And I am sorry for the mark.
3 / 10Author's Response: thanks for your help its really helped me a lot. I hope you check my other chapters seeing if their any good Report Review
Hello again Jenn!
Oh my, you're just pouring on the emotion, aren't you? Man, you gotta feel terrible for Hermione. I mean, she's so used to fixing things, solving problems, and here she is admitting defeat, planning for failure, and her hopes totally banished. And all Ginny can think about is not having to do school work. Uch, stupid girl.
The beginning is just great, with all the sounds. Totally what we'd expect from Hermione; to be working on something, trying somehow to make things in some way better for herself.
It's good to hear the things from Mr. Weasley, and Lupin (what's up with the Professor stuff still!). Mr. Weasley, it's nice to hear he's realistic with Hermione. I think she would almost demand that from him, being the next closest to her own father in that role. It does sound grim that the Muggle techniques don't seem to have much chance, but I didn't expect them to really. With Lupin, it's wonderful to hear how nice he's being about it all, reading the new to her and filling her in on things. Hermione would want to keep up with things, and try not to just stay in her room listening to all those sounds, but at least having an idea of things outside.
Oh, and the language for blind readers is braille. Incase it slipped your mind there. The part about her missing reading and writing . . . perfect! Absolutely perfect, and in character for Hermione.
Oh, but Harry comes again! Hmm . . . something still isn't adding up. Why is Harry allowed to visit Hermione, yet they are keeping them in separate rooms? And he keeps coming for like 5 minutes, then boom, he's gone again. It probably takes him longer than that just to get there.
Plus I personally am really wondering what curse hit him. He's conscious, and he can walk, but something must have hold of him. Somehow I think he's really, really sick. Perhaps not as much as Ron, but he could be worse than Ron (Ron's just unconscious, as far as we know). Something just tells me that when Hermione gets her sight back ('cause I think Hermione has to get her sight back. It'll be quite a downer if she never gets it back again), she's going to find Harry is really, really perminantly injured.
But their talk, well, it isn't as cute as the first one, but again, Harry's trying to keep her mind away from himself and not so much on Ron. I can imagine how horrible Harry feels about it all, seeing Hermione blind like that, and Ron not even awake, all because he brought them (or they came, either way he feels responsible).
Oh, and he mentioned her going home. Hermione definately sounds like the best off, and part of me believes that if she does have to leave soon, her spirit will go right down to zero, since the only reason why they'd send her home would be that they can't find any cure for her eyes. I think, even if she isn't admitting it, she's still hopeful something will come.
That was a smart idea for a gift for Hermione, though I wonder if Harry would encourage her to accept the blindness. A gift like that would only be for someone with that condition. It would have been sweet I think if he gave her something that she'd need her eyesight for, telling her "for when you can see again," although I could see how that could turn into an argument, which neither of them want.
So again, great job Jenn. This is a wonderfully original story, I applaud you for that! Getting another 10, this story is going onto my favourites. I have never read a story where the main character is blind (at least here on hpff), and the way you write it is just wonderful.
10 / 10Author's Response: *gapes at the even HUGER review!*
Pouring on emotion? Me? *looks around innocently* Come on, surely you know me! LoL. I'm all about the emotions!! But yeah, you're right, Hermione's used to fixing things and she can't do a single thing for herself or to help the situation. LoL, and I might not have been all that kind to Ginny's character. Hehe, I like how you call her 'stupid girl.' Do I hear some Chris-not-liking-Ginny there?
Glad you liked the sounds in the beginning. I had to change that a few times till I was happy with it, and till I was sure it was canon. (o: And yes, Hermione would defiitely be lying there trying to listen to everything and work it all out...
Yes yes, Professor Lupin! Cut me some slack, I'm stuck on that! LoL. He'll always be dear Professor Lupin to me. (o:
Ah, Braille. Yes, I know braille is the langauge for blind people, but Hermione might not know that immediately! And it's written from Hermione's consciousness. I think she would know *of* it, but since she's been in the wizarding world for years, she might not have that piece of information so readily recalled to her mind. (o:
*glances over your review, purposefully chooses to neglect to comment on a few things, hehe...*
Yeah, their talk wasn't as cute as the first one, but hey at least he came back, lol! And yeah, naturally Harry feels terrible because that's Harry, taking the blame for everthing...
The gift for Hermione... Ah, very keen thoughts, that perhaps Harry would have chosen something for when she could see again... But he wasn't getting her a gift for her for gift's-sake, but because she's stuck in St. Mungos with nothing to do, and nothing to look at! The gift was specifically something just for while she's waiting for her sight, because while a gift for after her vision returns is nice, it wouldn't mean much until she could see it. He was thinking of her present state and how bored or alone she must feel, but he certainly does want her to get her sight back, and is holding out hope just like she is.
Thanks for all your comments! a 10/10 from you is amazing! I'm glad you think it's original, and that it's going in your faves! Thanks heaps for the review!!! (o: Report Review
Hey there Jenn!
Tonight I was just sticking at home in my apartment, chilling out, and I had a choice: watch a movie, or read stories. Well, as you can tell, stories won out. I have to start catching up with my reviews, and I thought "hey, Jenn has a load of stories online now, why don't I catch up with this one!" :)
This is a really creative idea, did I mention that before? I really envy your idea of writing a story through the eyes of a blind person, I really do. I personally don't know anyone who is blind, but it's wonderful how you put yourself in Hermione's shoes, and keep reminding us constantly how much sight is so important for her. Hermione's a very scientific individual (well, scientific for a wizard), and scientists have to see things in order to believe them. Not having her sight is really affecting her in all these ways, and it's wonderful how you portray it.
Plus it's really showing your strength in writing how things can sound, or how touch can be a lot more. You're doing a beautiful job in that department, with the descriptions. Plus it's really good how you're focusing on how Hermione's hearing is making up for a lot of things, and how she's starting to get used to it being more atuned to things. She's starting to hear people down the hall, how footsteps sound specifically to her room, and how people's breaths or voices can hold a lot more meaning to them than what they are actually saying.
As to plot developments, we hear what happened to the others, hear from Ginny, but oh my, we hear Harry! It's great how you have him there, and how him being there and putting his hand to her face just means so much more than what Mrs. Weasley and Ginny did. And the kiss, very sweet. I was surprised that Harry was there for such a short while, but like Hermione states, we don't know what's wrong with him. I am surprised she didn't ask him how he is injured, or if anything else is wrong with her aside from her sight (she does think of the possibility she could be scared, though she should feel it if that's the case. Still, she could have easily asked Harry). Still though, I like their short interaction. Very quiet, very sweet, and quite saddening to see him leave. It's wonderful how you have Hermione feel like the moment someone lets go of her, she's entirely alone in the darkness. Such a strong sense of closeness to whoever is there and supporting her, and then total loneliness whenever she's by herself, hearing the echos of faceless people walking by.
So yeah Jenn, wonderful job! Again, it's such an interesting idea, I'm just really enjoying it. There is some real mystery to Ron though . . . I wonder if indeed you're going off him again, though you said you weren't. You aren't being very nice to him though, are you? :)
10 / 10Author's Response: *smiles happily at the nice long reviews* (o:
So, what you're saying is, my stories won out over a movie?! YAY! Cos I love your reviews. (o: And it's still quite weird not to have all my chapters going through you first. I get nervous because I know you're going catch things I've missed, or ask a question I hadn't thought about answering. LoL.
Creative idea? I don't think you mentioned it before. I forgot how I got the idea in my head. It actually began a couple months ago. (o; Writing a story through the 'eyes' of a blind person. Nice terminology there, hehe! I actually did have some blind friends in the states, and I had one here in Thailand. We hung out some so I've got a bit of inspiration to draw from. I think it'd be a lot more difficult, otherwise.
I do try to put myself in Hermione's shoes. That's sorta how I write. I wonder how other people write? But anyway, being blind, her world would be completely made up of sounds, feelings, smells... I can only hope to really convey this well! I really think I'm not so great at descriptions, so it's really nice to hear you think I'm doing well. I hope I continue to do so! And yes, Hermione's ears will be very attentive to the breathing and tones of voices, more so than seeing people. She can't read their expressions on their faces, as we're used to doing, so she has to pick it up in their voices...
Plot... I always think my plots are not so in-depth really. And nothing compared to your amazing HPOL plotlines! I think you have about 200 different plots, sideplots, and back story plots, right? (o; Ah, but yes, we do hear Harry. He comes to visit her... And he's a lot more sensitive to her state, making sure to touch her and help her feel not so alone. I think that'd be really hard, to wake up blind and feel so alone and far away from everyone. Glad you liked the sweet kiss. (o: I figured your H/Hr heart would be happy. LoL.
Surprised Hermione didn't ask him questions about injuries? I think she was a little too focused on him just being there... and he left so quick. Don't worry. She'll realise that she should ask him. (o: Next chapter posted, maybe. Heh.
I'm glad you picked up on the way Hermione feels alone when someone lets go of her and leaves her room. And you got the 'strong sense of closeness'... (o: I like hearing what you pick up on in my stories!!
Wonderful? Interseting? Mystery? 10/10?!! YAY!!! Hehehe. Report Review
I saw your story on the lists, and thought I'd help you out in the review department. Sometimes for new authors, it can be a bit discouraging when reviews are lacking, so perhaps I can help out a little, in leaving you one, and hopefully some good advice to perhaps help with your story. :)
Well, firstly, your other reviewer was correct, it is a good idea to get a beta, so they can help you with grammar and spelling. There are a few mistakes here and there, and it would really help you out.
Now as to the story itself, you have to take things and really slow them down. The first paragraph should bring the reader in nicely to your story. Right now, your first paragraph just spouts out bits of information, and leaves us saying: Wha? Malfoy's his friend? Dumbledore isn't dead? And Ron all of a sudden said he just didn't like Hermione, just like that?
See, what makes a story good, is explaining those things. Don't just tell us "oh yeah, and Draco's Harry's friend now because he helped stop Snape, keeping Dumbledore alive". Tell us what happened, and how such a big turn of events took place. And you have to think of it from their perspective: if Draco helped Harry, then they wouldn't have known Dumbledore was going to die (since he didn't).
Here's an example. Say you're telling us about Draco, just in the beginning. Instead of just saying what you said, (what I put above), you could put this:
A surprise Harry the year before, was the change in Draco Malfoy. Annoying, whimpy, and just plain stupid Malfoy had done the unthinkable: he helped Harry. With Snape looking down Dumbledore with his wand, Draco tackled Snape, and saved the Headmaster from what would have amounted to most certain death. Harry found an almost sickening respect for Draco, and after that night, Draco too calmed down with Harry, and by the train ride back to London, the two could speak to each other without insults . . . well, without the really evil ones.
See? That's just an example, but you have to give a lot more detail to things. With Ron just suddenly saying he didn't like Hermione anymore, you have to explain that A LOT! He's liked Hermione for 6 books, he can't just turn around one day and say "oh, I don't like her anymore like that, but LUNA! WHOA, there's a hotty!". No, he can't do that! You have to explain it more! It's in the explaining that makes your story fun to read!
As to Harry and Hermione, again, slow things down! There's no rush, you're not in a race. Take your time, plan things out, and explain things in better detail. Don't just say "Harry suddenly liked Hermione, and that soon enough became full fledged love." Don't do that, 'cause it doesn't happen like that in real life. If Harry's liked Hermione since 3rd year as you say, that means there's 4 years of pent up love, that's a lot of explaining! Tell us how it started, how it developed and how it grew through the years, and how it is just consuming him now.
Oh, and about your descriptions of Harry and Hermione, my advice: keep them normal! Don't change Harry from the skinny, glasses-wearing, messy haired boy, and don't change Hermione from the bushy-haired, normal, rather reserved physically girl. When you take them, and give them all these muscles, flowing hair, weird hair-dos, and take away Harry's glasses, a lot of readers will stop reading. When you do that, you're taking away from the charaters, and just not making them at all believable. Harry would never get a mowhawk, ever! And Hermione would perhaps wear something that shows a little figure, but nothing close to hip-huggers, no. She's much too conservative for that.
Ah, there we go. Sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching, I'm not meaning to. I'm just trying to help, as I said. Those are my three suggestions that I really think you should consider: 1) a beta reader to help you with grammar and spelling, 2) taking the story, slowing it down, and explaining things a lot better so it flows easier and doesn't just shoot out random facts that we are left questioning, and 3) keeping Harry and Hermione (and all the characters for that matter) fairly close to their canon descriptions. When you make the characters unbelievable, even in how they look physically, it can make your whole story unbelievable (as in not believable).
But you do have a plot, and you handle the oddness between Harry and Hermione well. Just consider my points. :) I'll wait to hear your response before going to chapter 2.
6 / 10 (if you explain everything better, keep Harry and Hermione normal, and fix up the spelling and such, it would easily fetch an 8 or 9, especially for a first story).Author's Response: Thanks i really like your idea i'll try to go back and edit the first chapter and the 2 chapter if you think it need more work. Just read the 2 and tell me what I should do with it. Thanks for the help Report Review
Hey there Eli!
Sorry it took me so long to get here. Alas, I, like you, was piled under all the exams and end of term assignments, and as such, had no time to either write or read. But, I'm starting back on the reading/writing train, and thought to start off with your story! :)
It's good at the start that you have Ron and Hermione so determined to hear from Harry what happened. Two weeks passing by is quite a long time, but Harry can be very stubborn, as we know.
With Hermione and the ring, it's good to hear the background of it all, and me-thinks that there is a massive story behind it. And I mean massive, 'cause it sounds like a very complicated line of thought that went with that ring. It's good though, 'cause it shows your story has a very good amount of depth to it all.
And of course this chapter, as I can see especially at the ending, is tying a lot of things together. The whole horse thing and the ring, and now Hermione has connections to this serial killer (whom by the way, I love how you have constructed. The idea of calling himself "The Knight" and leaving a black knight's piece from a chess set, very creative!), and more than likely Amsel (I mean, the last kill this guys makes is just by Hermione's house, and that night a woman comes who is magical, and Amsel is reacting like that over the article? Yeah, connections for sure.
The scene with Ron and Hermione, well, I saw the kiss coming, but it's good how you give us more backstory with the R/Hr thing from you phantom year before this one (6th year not from HBP). It's good how you have Hermione worried about Harry, even though she's kinda pissed at him for what's he's doing. Ron . . . well, you gotta feel sorry for the boy, but he'll get hooked up with another girl sometime soon I imagine. Perhaps even that Katarina girl? :)
Harry eavesdropping on Amsel playing the piano . . . someone playing the piano reminds me of something . . . wasn't that from earlier in the story? I think it was, Harry remembering someone playing piano, yeah, I think so. Anyways, Dumbledore, I like how you write him in some places, though I don't think he interupts people. I don't know, perhaps that's just how I write him, but for me, he rarely interupts. If he wants to say something, he'll raise his hand, and that'll be a cue to the person to stop for a moment. But still, the conversation is good. More background on Amsel is always nice. You're building her character really well. :)
The scene in the Great Hall, well, again, some nice tension between Ron and Hermione, then all the stuff about the Prophet article, and the serial killer. Again, I like how you built this serial killer, and made him more than just "yeah, he killed lots of people 50 years ago". Actually having information on him, a trademark of his, all of it's nice.
The professors . . . oh wow, lots of mystery there. Amsel has definate tension with Snape, but what for? And she didn't seem to receptive to Dumbledore either. Yeah, definate connection to Amsel and the killer. And the ending of course, with Hermione getting the Defence class wrong and Ron with the ketchup, very nice inserts. Harry can easily tell there's something bothering the both of them, Hermione more than Ron (hopefully Harry is smart enough to realize that with Hermione, she'd never get a class wrong. Ron with ketchup, well, it's not that strange).
So yeah Eli, a nice chapter. This Knight guy will be a very interesting twist into your story now, and I love how you're interconnecting things right in the heat of the story, very well done! Though I'll admit, it takes a bit of remembering what has happened earlier in the story, just from not having read the earlier chapters in a while, but I do remember most of the important aspects, and I am still very much enjoying it! :)
Hope your exams went well, hope to see you update soon, and perhaps dropping by to read HPOL! :)
10 / 10 Report Review
Hey there durmstrang_dragon!
It's short, but a good beginning. I like how you have Lucius walking along the path by himself in the rain, very picturesque.
I am confused at the beginning where Lucius is walking. You say he's on a road, then a cobblestone street, then a path; which is it?
But overall it's a good start. I think actually this could do really well as a second chapter, rather than a first. Having the first chapter, telling us how Draco and Hermione are, how they got together, and what's happened with the end of the war and such. That way, we can understand his reaction to his father's "death" and how he feels about the world now.
It's a good way I think to intro D/Hr, as well as the world everyone is in. That way, we can also know the big contrast to Lucius and what's been happening with him, and what Draco's reaction means. I mean, we all know he's surprised, but giving us a chapter before hand, with Draco telling us what he thought of his father "dying", it would let us know better.
But again, short, but a good start for sure! This is the first story on hpff I think that's in answer to my challenge. :)
9 / 10Author's Response: I'm glad the beginning was good. I was worried it wouldn't be received well. I could lie and say that the part about him walking along the road, then the cobblestone street, then a path was him walking a long distance. Or I could tell you the truth and say that I don't have a beta to tell me when I do stupid things like that LOL. Really, I thought it would lead into the second chapter really well, but maybe a chapter before it might have been better. I was planning on introducing a lot of information into the next chapter, which would make it longer. I have a belief that your shortest chapter should be longer than your prologue, so short prologues give me a little slack. I'm so glad that I was able to make this work for your challenge. :) Thank you so much for reviewing. DD Report Review
Hello there ForgetfulLove!
Alrighty you got it posted here on hpff, awesome! :)
Well, it was short, but it did the trick, though it really doesn't go exactly with the challenge (since one of the challenge rules was they must be together at the end), but still, we can bend the rules a little, can't we? :)
But it's nice how you introduce it with Ginny thinking about Harry and such, and giving us a quick reminder what was going on. For a moment I had to think 'cause you said third year and the tournament, but then remembered Ginny's one year behind.
You romanticized some things, like Draco with his chest and eyes and such (his eyes are silver grey, not really any blue, but oh well), but overall it's good. I dislike the idea of Draco being a guy who gets all the girls, 'cause I honestly think he gets very few, but that's a personal opinion.
This kiss itself, well, it was surprising to har it wasn't strong and passionate, considering how he put it on her so quickly and with a bit of fire behind it. But the effect is good. Ginny's left with her head spinning a bit, and Draco smirks it off showing off how right he was.
But overall, again a little short, but it does you well, considering you hate D/G. Perhaps it was a little late in her life to be recalling that (a Grandmother and all). Perhaps having it as Ginny recalling it in her 20's, like while she's at home with her first child or looking at pictures from Hogwarts, would work a little better, but that's just a suggestion.
Good job though ForgetfulLove! Thanks for trying out my challenge!
9 / 10 Report Review
Hello there The Other Minister,
Well, it's alright. You're taking this and really letting us know Cecilia's thoughts, which is good. About the only problem that's really concerning this so far, is your lack of anything else. You don't let us really know where she is, what's going on around her, how she even got to the train station, let alone on the train. Giving us her thoughts on the subject is good, because it allows us to know her state of mind, but it's good if you give us balance, in that you let us know what's going on outside of her head.
One thing you need to watch out for, is netspeak, and grammar. I know you're trying to give this a very relaxed, and verbal feel to it, but you should still try to keep grammar correct. Watch for sentance fragments, and other such things that should be avoided.
But again, the major issue is just letting us know things outside her head. At one point I thought she was on the train, and another I don't think she is. Let us know what's going on around her while she's thinking. It's great when you have a story in first person (like you have), and you have them glancing and noticing things, then going on long comments about it. Here, for example, it would be easy for her to go on that tirade about Hogwarts being "pig-warts" when, say, she sees the sign for Platform 9 3/4. Perhaps she'd also make a comment about having to take a train to school, since you say in the States she took the Floo. Perhaps while she's looking at the people on the platform as they get on, she'll mention then about the "preggos" at her own school, and how she was a bit surprised not to see any here. Things like that, you see? It let's us follow her along as she moves, and also let's us know her thoughts like you have already. We get her reactions to things as she sees them, and we learn about her as the story progresses.
But the character herself, you have started alright I think, though she is (don't take this the wrong way) somewhat bland. I mean, as someone already said, the American-transfer cliche is a over-used one, but the girl you have so far really doesn't do much. She's a good student, who doesn't get into trouble, has had no boyfriend or been kissed, and is generally nice to everyone. You should give her faults, make her not a perfect innocent girl. Have her admit she had a few boyfriends but they all failed miserably, have her admit she missed her friends and such back in Salem and Florida, have her admit she hopes Hogwarts doesn't have some subject, perhaps flying or ancient runes, 'cause she sucks at both of them (or make up a subject so that she'll be relieved when she gets to Hogwarts and finds it is not offered). Things like that, you know? It makes her character likable (not that she isn't), and allows us to relate to her better.
Those are suggestions though Other Minister. It's not a bad start though. Good luck with it as it goes. :)
7 / 10Author's Response: This was incredibly helpful. Thank you so much! When I submitted this chapter, I didn't feel completely satisified or comfortable with it, and I wasn't sure why. I probably should've waited until I figured out what about it that was bothering me, but you voiced exactly what I felt, so thank you! I'm planning on editing and resubmiting.
Thanks again for a great review!
=) Report Review
Ooo! A new story eh? This one I'll be following with the rest of the hpff crowd I gather, should be interesting! :) I thought to come and review it, 'cause it was just posted. :)
The beginning, I'll admit, was cute. The little kids begging the woman for the story. Of course I imagine Hermione is the woman, but we'll have to wait to see won't we? The kids names are interesting though: Corrie, Adele, and Luka. Not exactly normal names, but interesting none the less. I am surprised that they already know about the details of the war, being so young and everything, but still, it's cute how persistant they are.
Hermione's blind, Harry's has some kind of plagued-curse, and Ron's unconscious? Hmm, not in good shape are they? Well, I like how you had them all affected by these new spells, though I wonder if perhaps it would have been good to keep at least one of them cursed by spells we already know. Having all three of them affected by new spells, it just seems a bit surprising, since we don't exactly know how spells are made, or at what rate how many are made or created. Sounds slightly fabricated that all three of them would have three separate curses that the Healers have no idea how to fix. Still, it allows you a manner in which to put the trio in quite a sad state of affairs with their health.
Hermione being blind, it's an interesting twist on it all. I think you did her dialogue and feelings well, and you have her beginning to think as a blind person, relying on her other senses instead. It's a good way to focus on how things sound, or how something feels. So many story tellers rely on seeing things, saying "he looked at this" then "he looked over and saw". With Hermione, you have to take that whole aspect out and reinstitute it with smell, sound, and touch (I doubt taste will be coming in anytime soon). But I like that, because it'll make the story very interesting. That is of course, Hermione stays blind for a long while. Of course if the woman at the beginning is Hermione, then it's possible she may or may not have her sight return. It sounds like the woman at the beginning has her eyesight, since she leads the children to the couch, but it doesn't necessarily tell us she can see. If it's her house, she'd definately know where the couch is if she was blind. Plus the way you're describing things, focusing on the sound of the woman's voice, and the feel of her arms around the boy, and the crackling of the fireplace, not mentioning anything physically descriptive about the woman (you do about one of the girls) . . . it's hard to figure out. Course it could just be Ginny, but I doubt it is.
As to Harry and Ron, well, of course we'll have to wait and see now won't we? If Ron just has a concussion, he shouldn't be too bad I gather. Sleeping is actually the worse thing you could do when you have a concussion, but we'll see.
Oh, and Mrs. Weasley, I like how you have her. Allowing Hermione to hear the concealed worry in her voice, and being able to hear the truth. Mrs. Weasley would be happy to hear from Hermione, for sure. There is one question though: if Hermione was just waking up for the first time, how would they know she's blind? Hermione would be the only person to know you'd think, so how could the Healer's know ahead of time, and have tried things to fix it? Just a logistical question.
Anyways, I've gone on WAY too long. It is of course a very good beginning. I'm not exactly sure where it's headed, but you've chosen another post-war story. You kept Ron alive in this one though (for now at least). Oh, and I see R/Hr, H/G, and . . . H/Hr!! :) Although we haven't seen Ginny, I wonder where she'll fit into it all?
Again though Jenn, a very . . . interesting start. I can imagine the story will move on with the trio trying to understand their curses and how to beat them (at least Hermione's for sure). That should be an interesting journey.
10 / 10
ps - Why would they have machines in St. Mungo's? Wizards don't use electricity (Mr. Weasley doesn't even know how to pronounce it), so why would there be Muggle medical equipment there? Times we've been to St. Mungo's before, if I remember, there weren't any machines in the rooms. Healers did everything with spells, and potions primarily. Might be an idea to make sure you're with canon on St. Mungo's by checking in Chpt. 22 of OotP, when Mr. Weasley gets bit by Nagini. That's if you're a stickler though.Author's Response: Chris!! You came to review! And you were my first!
Yes, a new story. I thought I might post on it between Without You chapters.
You have no idea how weird it was to submit a chapter without having you look at it first! It seems like part of the rules of submitting a chapter: 1) Write chapter 2) Proof chapter 3) Send to Chris 4) Edit from Chris's comments 5) Submit Chapter. AHH! But the one perk - I get to read this review from you!
Cute beginning? That was a fun little bit. And yes, you'll have to wait and see who the woman in the beginning is, and the children, for that matter. And I wanted interesting names, but not Weird ones. These names all come from older origins, I believe they're all on that name website you recommended. I'm not sure the kids know all the details of war, but they know about it. They've been told some, probably a few glossy action stories... At least Corrie and Adele are aware of some bits. Luka's really too young to understand everything.
Yes, the Trio all have different new curses. Perhaps it wasn't the wisest choice, but the backstory in my head is about the Death Eaters purposely making up new curses (or discovering/experimenting), much like we learn about Snape's curses he made up/developed in book 6. They had worked to introduce a wide variety of new, and non-Ministry approved Curses, specifically to do more damage. Once the DE knew they were going to lose the battle, they started flinging them left and right, trying to cause as much trouble as they could.
I'm glad you feel my depiction of blind Hermione is going well so far. It's different, writing scenes from a blind person's view point. I do hope I can manage to keep it written well!
Yes if Ron has a concussion, sleeping is quite bad, but if he was asleep when they found him, sometimes there's not much that can be done. Ron's in quite a state. *sigh*
They knew Hermione was blind because the blindness was caused by a Curse. She was examined while she was unconscious and the Healers knew there was spell damage, and through checking her eyes, they knew she couldn't see. Naturally, Hermione didn't know, because she was unconscious.
Yes, another post-war story. Everything I think of to write seems to happen post war. I'm terribly unoriginal, I'm afraid. And yes, Ron's alive for now. Hehe. And Ginny will come hang out with us next chapter.
Ah, machines at St. Mungo's. I took some guesses there. I'm rereading Book 5 now, so I'll do some more research on trying to find out what things would be in St. Mungos. I don't remember there being machines, but I don't specifically remember it being said that there were NO machines. I'll read and find out - you know how my memory goes. Plus, there are Elevators and stuff, yeah? Maybe they're magical machines, hehe. (o: Thanks for reviewing, Chris. I'm so happy to hear your comments! And I still can't believe you're not pre-reading this for me! It's so scarey! Report Review
You do have to try to come back, you do. I know you've posted this chapter, and the last one way back in like October, but as you see, people love your writing, and it would be so much better if you made more appearence here on hpff. I know, I know, things are no doubt busy in RL, but still, it would be nice.
But yes, you posted this new chapter. As always, your writing style is performing excellently with your descriptions and emotions. This story is a very emotional one for Hermione, so you're doing well in that department. It is easy to feel her ups and downs, mostly downs of course, but you bring it about in a very wonderful way.
The dream at the beginning, it was good of course, hearing it through Hermione's view (and realizing that both Harry and Hermione were dreaming the same dream). I did wonder if it was different that Harry's view though, not in the sense of the thoughts ('cause those would obviously be different), but the actual dialogue between them. Seemed to be more in Hermione's version (more talking). I don't know, it might be me though, since last time I read chapter 4 was like 5 months ago.
Ava of course you're doing a wonderful job with. I can see how you're taking the young version of Hermione, and just making her a little younger than the one we met in PS, however changing some things ever so slightly to make Ava different. She's very inquisitive, as we know, but her self control, especially with learning things about Hermione's past and some of the mystery behind her, is not as strong as Hermione's. That's like all kids, but you come to enjoy Ava's outspokenness. Plus Ava being so much like Hermione, it's easy to hear Hermione understanding her thought process.
This trip into town should be an interesting thing, considering the situation of it all. If Ginny is going somewhere magical . . . well, I can imagine Hermione and the others might accidently run into some other people Hermione knew. That'll cause a lot more internal conflict for sure.
Hermione's thoughts on Harry at the breakfast table, and the subsequent finding of her pictures in Ava's closet and Harry being there (by the way, why was he there? Hmm, wonder); it's good to see the ball is moving towards the H/Hr. If it went R/Hr, well, that would suck of course, but it would be surprising. You've built up the night Harry proposed and Hermione left as being quite the turning point. The notion that's when Ava was conceived wouldn't be that far off.
It's interesting in a sense how Hermione has become like the Dursley's in her Muggle isolation. You've definately drawn parallels there, with her hating the mentioning of "magic" or of anyone (esp. Harry) doing any magic in her own house, let alone in front of Ava. Her reaction to Harry casually bringing out his wand and giving it a flick clearly tells us she herself still has a lot of problems with seeing magic being performed.
Her thoughts on the pictures, and her rant at Harry I think were well placed. She's been aching to have someone to yell at with everything, and it's good you have her admit that the three of them returning messed everything up. Most people would have Hermione NOT say those things 'cause they sound a bit rude and selfish of her, but I think in this situation, she's just speaking her mind, 'cause she has no one to talk to about it. Her husband had been the person to talk to, and she had hid herself from the magical world.
It's great to hear her cave in to Harry's presence though, and allowing him to give her a hug. You're writing Harry as such a cautious and caring individual, it's not too hard to picture really. He's older, so his maturity is a lot better than in the HP books, and it's nice to see. It's great that you have him understanding so many aspects here with Hermione, and that you have him really as the only other adult (or person for that matter) who has lived in the Muggle world (Ginny and Ron have never not lived in the wizarding world).
So yes Jaz, a good chapter indeed. It was nice to hear from you in the forums on my Reviewer Appreciation Forum, but alas, I have not heard from you since. I was looking forward to hearing from you again, and hopefully hearing from you on things, and of course perhaps reading stories. HPOL has gone a long way since last time you read it. I only have 5 chapters left to write, and it's done. 35 chapters in total.
Anyways Jaz, I should get going. A massive review, I know, but it's been a while hasn't it? I do hope that things are going alright for you, and that the writing (and perhaps future reading) goes good. Again, try to email or PM me and let me know how things have been for you, alright? :)
10 / 10 (Emotional aspects here were just spendid) Report Review
Hey there Jenn!
Haven't reviewed in a bit, and of course I'm sorry for that. Although I already read this chapter . . . like 2 weeks ago, I thought I'd come back anyways! :)
Anyways, it's a nice to hear about Harry's thoughts of the future. An Auror is out of the running, that's for sure. Harry wouldn't really enjoy chasing after Death Eaters and dark wizards now I imagine.
Not at the Ministry either? Oh, com'on Jenn! He could work with Mr. Weasley! He'd be awesome with misuse of muggle artifacts! He already knows what all the artifacts do! :)
Ah, so you chose WITS eh? :) Well, that's probably a good choice, since you didn't want some of the others I suggested that had some rather funny acronyms. :) IDIOTS would have been fun though. :)
But yes, going to Norway eh? I am wondering how you'll write Norway, if indeed he goes (I still need to read Chapter 13). I do know how people react though, and I can tell other readers it will be fun! :)
As usual though Jenn, you do a wonderful job with the inner dialogue with Harry here. This whole chapter is in Harry's thoughts, and it's great to hear everything that's going through his head. All the thoughts about his future, and his place in the world.
So of course, a great job Jenn, even with a short chapter like this. :) The story starts picking up some fun aspects in the next few chapters, and I can imagine your reviewers will start getting a lot more vocal about the situations you place Harry, Hermione, and the others in. :) Should be fun. :)
10 / 10!
ps - I'm writing a bit of my own stories tonight, but I'll be trying to read chapter 13 either this weekend, or sometime soon for sure. :)Author's Response: Hey, a review! I know you see the chapters quite a bit earlier, but it's always good to see your name when I open up my reviews. (o:
Personally, I'm not very fond of this chapter, lol. But I'm quite excited about the one I just put into the queue. As you know, ten and twelve are quite the doozies. Ha, that's a funny word. (o;
While Harry would be good with Muggle artifacts... I think he would be bored out of his mind! LoL. And yeah, WITS. But I DID like your IDIOTS, and was quite tempted to use that one, no kidding! And yes, finally I decided on where he was going! LoL, er, I mean, of course, I knew it was Norway all along...! LoL.
Funny that you wonder how I'll write Norway.. Eh, you'll see when you check out those chapters I emailed. It's... er... Well, I might end up adding some stuff to those, anyway. You'll see, and no doubt we'll be chatting about it. (o:
Thanks for your compliments, it's always nice to hear nice things. I did get quite the running-through with KML, though I appreciated it.
And whatever could you mean by the situations I place Harry, Hermione, and the others in? Whatever do you mean?? *innocent eyes* I mean, the poor kids, they're so... lol.
Thanks for the 10/10. I hardly think this chapter deserves it though. But, anyway, I'll be looking for your next chapters if you're in need of any beta assistance? (I've learned some new things from KML!!) And, I'll look foward to your thoughts on 13! Report Review
Hello again Hermione_Crookshanks!
Oh man, can you believe I'm still smiling. I can't believe you'd have her own mother . . . what was that line, or yes "anything physical". Oh snap! Could you imagine what you'd do if your mother wrote that? Your own mother insinuating doing that with your friend (even encouraging it in a manner)?
Oh, anyways, another good chapter, though yes, slightly filler. The letter itself does give it a purpose, since it shows us better Hermione's mother's view on Harry and Hermione.
Of the things that you left out and put in here, I'd think it was probably the thing with Ron and Luna. You haven't mentioned it up to now I believe, since it probably didn't fit exactly in any other place, but it could here while they were just walking down the hallway. If my guess is right, you started off with more of the "subtext" thing (how would Ginny know? :)), and decided to put it here, where it could still make some sense.
The dress for the New Years thing . . . of course it's not surprising that Hermione is planning ahead of time, but I am a bit surprised that Hermione wouldn't just go and get a dress when she goes home. There's bound to be some shops that she could buy a dress from. I mean, if her parents are both dentists, they would have to live at least in a town or city, which either would have clothes shops.
But the discussion with Ginny does get us back to the H/Hr stuff. Hermione mentioning all those girls specifically, of course know-it-all Ginny would realize the connection instantly. Of course I've never pictured Hermione as being the most curvy girl, but I wouldn't see her as being entirely square either. She's in the middle I think, as she says here. I do hope whatever dress you have her in, works well.
Those two going to a New Years party screams a kissing moment. I must say that up front. I can just see Hermione's parents (mostly her mother) pushing the two of them together as much as possible, and it just all leading to New Years. Wouldn't even be surprised if Mrs. Granger reminds Hermione that you're supposed to kiss someone on New Years. :)
Of course the letter, that last bit was glorious. I still can't believe a mother would write that, especially the physical part at the end. I mean (shivers) ugg! If I was Hermione, I'd seriously ask my mother if she thought I got around a lot or something, or would just go doing stuff like that so quickly.
And of course the ending . . . oh my, how evil Ginny is. I wonder what would have happened if Harry and Hermione stayed at Hogwarts, but that would have been its own fun little story now wouldn't it?
So of course, even as a filler chapter, it does a good job at moving the story forward. Lots of good moments still, and the ending definately sets up the next chapter for some fun!
10 / 10Author's Response: I'm glad you like the letter. Some people find it absolutely ridiculous, but I KNOW mothers who'd do that, scary as it is. *Shivers*
As for Ron/Luna...the thing is, I don't hint at stuff if it doesn't have a need to come up. The story's focus isn't R/L, and so it was more important, in my opinion, to set up H/Hr then to set up R/L, as R/L is just a side plot. Furthermore, there really was no where to bring it up, and therefore I feel that I shouldn't force it. Like real life, when it comes up, it comes up. We happened to enter the part of the story where mention of R/L hadn't really been the subject of many, if any, conversations.
I tried to give a tiny hint about Ron and Luna spending more time together with the Initials thing, but it probably wasn't enough. One of my flaws as a writer is that I already know what's happening, so it's as if I'm IN the world. Therefore bringing stuff up randomly feels okay with me because that's when and where it would come up.
And don't jump to conclusions about New Years just yet...you might be right (you probably are), but I might just pull a plot twist. *Evil grin*
Thank you for the review! :-) Report Review
Hello again Hermione_Crookshanks!
Well, firstly, I must thank you for reading "Fix You." I am very pleased that you enjoyed it. I didn't pick it because there's a sequel, no no, just because I like that story myself. Lots of emotion, and some very picturesque moments. Believe me, if I was going to ask you to review a story 'cause I wanted to hear a lot from you, I'd ask you to read/review HPOL. Of course whether you will read that story is up to you, but I won't ask 'cause it's such a long piece.
Anyways, enough of that. I'm at home and decided to come and read some more. Classes luckily gave me a break from things, so I figured to come and read before I start writing myself. Last time I was reading at like 7am after pulling an all-nighter for an essay, but now I'm a bit more relaxed, though tired, but here we go.
Of course it's great that you have McGonagall siding with the list group. It's great how she sometimes hints at things, even in the books. You can tell she wants to see them together, even if Hermione is so against even the idea of it. At first I'll admit I thought they were in the common room discussing it, but then you told us they were in her office. Makes sense of course, but perhaps mentioning at the beginning would help with the visualization.
As to the rumours going about the common room when Hermione enters, of course something to piss Hermione off. You do Hermione in that frustrated and just annoyed persona very well I must say. Plus I think you like putting Hermione through all this. Just constantly hitting her with all these things that just makes her mind "WHY! FOR MERLIN'S SAKE WHY DO THESE PEOPLE DO SUCH STUPID THINGS!" Such a Hermione thing to question why people wouldn't be more productive, or find something better the focus their energy on.
Of course Harry and Hermione's talk together, where Harry suggests Hermione changing her name . . . I'll have to admit, I wouldn't have thought Harry to suggest something so . . . well, stupid. I mean, if anything, Hermione suddenly changing her first name would just cause her even more attention, and people would think she'd gone loco or something. I mean, changing her middle name, or telling people that "Jane" wasn't her middle name, but something else, that would work better than her first. But even then, I'd have thought that even Harry would think of a better solution. I mean, if everyone thinks they are already going out, why not stage this massive fight between the two of them in the common room, and make it like a pretend break up? It would actually play into the rumours, and Hermione could like blame everyone 'cause it was the rumours and people talking all about it that lead to the break up. People would feel horrible, and would instantly talk about other stuff (that is of course, unless they didn't believe it).
The Weasleys going somewhere, but with no space for Harry . . . Hmm, sounds a little orchestrated to me . . . :)
Hermione at the end really contradicted herself. She's all upset about people thinking they are going out, then she invites Harry to come and stay at her house for Christmas, tells him her mother loves her "like a son in law" (oh com'on!), that her father will enjoy him being around, and she's reassuring that her family will be thrilled for him being there, and such. . . She says all this, right in front of the girl who's looking for rumour materal to spread about Harry and Hermione.
Not a good move on Hermione. In fact, quite the massive miscalculation. I don't think Hermione, in her mindstate that you've put her in, would say this in front of Ginny. It would be much more believable I think if you had Hermione tell Harry he could come to her house for Christmas, and then Harry tell Ron what's going on, who in turns tells Ginny. Soon everyone would know about it, and Hermione would rant at Harry. Harry would be in the middle again, saying he didn't realize it was secret, and boom! More frustration for Hermione, and more of that confusiong with Harry. :)
Anyways, I can only imagine where you'll be bringing this story next, so I'm off to find out! :)
10 / 10Author's Response: LOL. I know that you didn't have me read "Fix You" because it had a sequel. I was only teasing. ^_^
As for Harry's name suggestion - you're right. It was stupid. Every chapter has a weak point, and that was mine. I unwisely foregoed good writing for humor, and bad humor at that. My only defense is that I wrote this chapter late at night, but that isn't much of one.
And yes, Hermione did contradict herself - but only because she can't stand the idea of abandoning Harry. Hermione is incredibly loyal, at least from my interpretation, and I believe that, no matter what the situation, she'd ignore it all to make sure that Harry is safe and happy.
Thanks for the review! :-) Report Review
Hello once more Hermione_Crookshanks!
Well, quite the heated chapter this one is eh? Lots of yelling, and some definate hostilities. At least a few death threats came out of Hermione, all directed at Ginny.
So Ginny posted the essay on the board in the common room? Oh man, knowing how Hermione was about the whole subject, that was asking to get her butt handed to her. I mean, I can understand Hermione's rage about it all, and I think you describe it well. Her actual threatening to kill Ginny isn't that far off I think, considering what her state of mind was just about everyone in Hogwarts thinking it. Now, with the newspaper article, everyone in England will think it. Not exactly moving in the direction Hermione wants.
As to Harry's reaction, the chair bursting into flames was funny. Some of that uncontrolled magic at work right? :)
Oh, and now I see that you do have Harry and Ginny going out earlier . . . hmm, it is a bit surprising then that Ginny is so insistant for Harry and Hermione to go out, but oh well, we can look past that right?
But I like how you play the anger into such a wonderful manner. It is funny how raging Hermione gets, just 'cause we know how Ginny is trying to antagonize her. Harry, gotta feel sorry for the bloke, 'cause he's just sort of in the middle. Hermione's deep in her maddening anger at everyone who thinks they are going out, Ginny (along with the other students, but Ginny especially) is angry, but having fun with Hermione, at the two of them not realizing they should be together, and then there's Harry . . . who just doesn't care what everyone thinks really, 'cause he's had so much of it before.
So yeah, you're working this story really well so far, and it's turning out to be a good read. The characterizations, though skewed from canon, are fun to read, and you definately keep the reader entertained with their attitudes and mannerisms.
Good job so far Hermione_Crookshanks! That's it for today, but I'll be back sometime in the next while!
10 / 10
ps - I have asked you before, I know, and I can imagine you have many people ask you, 'cause you do such a fun and great job with your stories, but I'd really enjoy hearing your opinions a story or two of mine. I can imagine times are busy--they are for me with exams coming in a month--but again, it would be wonderful to hear from you.Author's Response: No, not the direction Hermione wants at all, is it? But I think Ginny could honestly care less. LOL.
And yes, that was definitely some uncontrolled magic there, which just goes to show how upset the pair of them are with the youngest Weasley (although Harry hides ie much better, for once).
Harry is in the middle...which I kind of like, personally. After Neurotic!, I just felt that I needed Harry step aside. Let him be blind as well, for once. LOL.
I'm glad you like the characterization! They're definitely NOTHING close to canon (because I'm awful at that, truly I am), but it's fun to write...*laughs* I hope people don't mind too much.
And I've actually read your stories before - I'm just a hypocrite, and often times forget to review because I'm in a rush *tear*. I did review one of your stories, however (and I loved it!), and I saw your reply and I plan on reading "Fix You" in just a second. If a writer is good, as you are, I'm never too busy to read their work. :-) Report Review
Hello again Hermione_Crookshanks!
Well, you definately write the characters in a good way. Know-it-all Ginny is funny, I'll give you that. And this Frustrated Hermione is good too, since you're bringing her logic to such an extreme. :)
The Puckle thing . . . I honestly forgot about that, but now that you point it out, it is a funny thing (I haven't read your other story you mentioned). I love Hermione's comment about Luna and the Quidditch teams.
You do the comedy aspect I think very well here. It's not forced like in some other stories, but just pops up in great spots. You keep the story going in a very good manner, and don't worry about whether something is funny or not, you just keep telling the story.
Not mentioning Dean was there was great, it really was. You had me laughing aloud when Dean yelled at them. :) Plus Hermione's comment about him as he left.
Ginny's essay was good too, though as we know from the books, embelished a little. But still, it's great considering how they were sitting (and it was surprising to see them sitting like that. Harry wouldn't normally be so causal with sitting like that, with his head over Hermione's, but the reaction from reading the essay is justified to having him like that). Of course the idea of calling that "cuddling" obviously turns them off from sitting close, so it's good to have that odd-feeling humour there too.
So yeah, a great follow-up chapter there H_C! The story is moving along nicely! I think I'll take one more chapter before I stop for the day!
10 / 10 (just for the Puckle and Dean)Author's Response: I love know-it-all Ginny. Although it's always fun to bash Ginny (heh, I'm so guilty of that) since HBP, I actually PREFER writing her like this. It's fun. *Laughs*
You know what's incredibly sad on my part? I had to reread my chapter to understand what you were saying... ;_; I'm awful. LOL. What type of an author am I?!
Anyway, thanks so much for the review. I'm glad that you enjoyed it! :-) Report Review
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