Hello! It's me, Kristen, with your review :). I'm sorry you had to wait, my life just got busy unexpectedly.
I thought this was a very cute story! And it was a fun read for me, since it's being dreadfully rainy here :p. What made you decide to use the color pink? I really liked how you used the color pink for your story though, because it is one of my favorite colors and especially that you used it from a guy's perspective. I think you captured a boy's mentality when Teddy was seven perfectly. I thought it was quite cute and quirky the way that played out - and true to. I remember when I was in my single digits, us girls played with Barbies and Disney princesses while my boy cousins wrestled in the mud, played with army figures, or just got annoyed when we grimaced at their talk of sports. That memory was my favorite out of all of them, to be honest with you :).
However, it is time for some sour (I'm sorry!). While I thought your vocabulary was smart and rich overall, I sort of hoped that you could have varied up the words when it came to describing pink. In my opinion, the word "pink" was used alot. I probably would not have noticed it as much if the word didn't show up so close together as to the next one. Maybe next time you could try using words or phrases like "magenta", "rose", "coral", "taffy", "the color of bubble gum" etc. to vary it up a bit :). I know at one point you DID use "bubble gum", but you added pink to the end, and perhaps if you left that word off, the phrase still would have had the same effect. Did that make sense? I hope it did! :D
I can't really comment on characterization canon-wise, as the main characters are concerned, because Teddy and Victoire are basically OCs. But I think they were very well rounded, and you captured their child-like innocence in the younger memories and transitioned into adolescent angst right. But their relationship might be more realistic if you included another memory, perhaps of him dealing with the kiss? I'm sure it must have been awkward to kiss his best friend, right? Or Victoire getting annoyed at his maleness? I think just adding another one would just add more depth to their relationship.
Now onto the minor characters: I loved, loved, loved Louis. I thought he was really funny. I think you have natural knack with dialogue, especially when it comes to comical quips. My favorite line in this entire fic has to be Louis's line "Are you alright? You've been staring at my chest for about five minutes – I know I'm good looking but please, try to restrain yourself."
But a thing that sort of didn't exactly sit right with me was when Teddy was scanning the crowd for his grandma and she was sitting with the Malfoys. Will you go more into this in your novel? It's just that we learned from Jo Rowling that Andromeda and Narcissa and the Blacks had a really bad falling out when Andromeda went off with muggleborn Ted Tonks. And the Malfoys hate the Weasleys alone, so it just didn't seem believable there, I'm sorry :(. But that's it as far as concrit is concerned.
A quick question though: is Avery a first or last name? Is Avery related to the Death Eater Avery?
Overall, I think you did a really good job with this piece, and you have good material to work with for your novel :).
KristenAuthor's Response: Firstly I'd like to start off by saying that this review made my day!! It was thorough, constructive, and very helpful.
I'm very glad that you found this story to be entertaining and refreshing. That was the atmosphere I was aiming for. As far as the over-use of the word 'pink,' the underlying theme of the collaboration was colour. I chose the colour pink since it was the last colour I'd associate with a little boy. Also, pink is the first colour that I associate with Tonks and so expanded this to include her son. I too thought that the use of the word pink was repetitive and it bothered me. But, to emphasize the importance of the colour pink, I made the executive decision to keep the word used for the colour constant. It may or may not have been the right decision.
I made the decision to seat Andromeda with the Malfoys for primarily one reason. I always envisioned Lucious Malfoy being imprisoned following the events of May 2nd. Draco and Narcissa would be left free a their manner home. I always imagined that after several years of being alone, Narcissa would track down her sister and attempt to fix things between them. I'd like to imagine that even adults can learn. While Andromeda may be closer to Harry and the Weasleys, I'd like to think that she would feel comfortable to sit on the groups side of the congregation. I'm not yet sure whether I am including this indulgence in my novel.
I am relieved that you felt that my characters seemed well rounded. I was afraid that the amount of fluff in the story would hide the characters I had imagined in my head. Louis is my favourite too. :) However, in my novel, Dom will be filling this character slot. I've decided to write him as a Boy. Plus he will be closer in age to Teddy and Victoire. I'm rather surprised that you feel that I write dialogue well. I always feel as though that is my weakest point. I am glad that you thought the "try to restrain yourself line" amusing.
I never actually thought of Avery the death eater. Although that could be an interesting twist. The Avery in my story was simply a first name. The seven-year old scene was my favourite memory to write. It is good to know that you felt that I captured the age correctly. I do plan on having reaction to the first kiss scene in my novel. Hopefully that will help to bridge any gapping that existed in this abridged version of the story. :)
All in all, your review was amazing. Probably one of the best I have ever recieved. Thank you so much. I do hope you check out the prologue of my Teddy novel which is now validated. Just keep in mind that it hasn't been beta'd yet and may have some silly grammar mistakes. Other chapters are written and just awaiting validation.
Thank you again,
-melissa Report Review
Hi! Do you remember me? I'm really sorry it took me so long to post my review in your story ^_^. My life just got really busy unexpectedly, I actually read your first two chapters before something came up...but yeah, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Now, this is a review from someone who has not seen either version of The Wicker Man. I thought I should disclose that fact before I get into reviewing :P. Is the 1973 version worth the rent at Blockbuster? And would it have been better, for future reference, to watch the film before reading this fanfic more?
I thought this was a very interesting story. I have never really seen a fanfic plot quite like this before, so it was a breath of fresh air for me. Is Willoway a real place, or did you use your imagination to create the primitive island? Oh! I LOVED how your starting chapter was done in in medias res, I think that made this fic even more original. I think you set the stage for something dangerously creepy, which was amplified by the technique. I really don't think your story would have popped as much if you went in chronological order.
I thought it was especially creepy in your first chapter when everyone is acting wild and barbaric and the children are singing that song. It reminded me of a Hitchcock film, to be honest with you when I read that. A question that also has me wondering though is why did you decide to set your story on a Scottish island as opposed to say, somewhere on the African continent? I'm just curious :).
Your characterization was good too. I love reading Tonks! It was a shame she got the wand in DH right? I think you got her right, perhaps if she were a bit more clumsy that would add to her character, but I like what I saw in getting in her head, especially in this chapter. Brodie sees pretty cool to work with as well. I like how he gets annoyed with Tonks XD However, (and sorry for the bit of concrit) if she likes Moody so much, why does she dislike Brodie? They seem like they have similar personalities. It just seems strange she would look up to Moody but gets irritated with Sergeant Brodie.
I think your descriptions are lovely. If "Willoway" was a painting, it would be a lovely watercolor-Monet style. And I loved how your sentence structure and dialogue turned out. I like how you had short, snappy sentences. I think that also gave your fic a nice beat that set up the opening chapter and the race against the clock. But I do have something I would like to point out. Sometimes when you show Tonks's thoughts, you make her think in the third person when most of the time you have her think to herself. An example would be in the first chapter you have her thinking to herself in the italics when you have:
Or they’d taken it from her. The "her", to me, should be switched to "me" or drop the last two words. Does that make sense? That only happened a couple times throughout these three chapters, I just thought I would mention it just in case :).
I can't wait to see what would happen next!
KristenAuthor's Response: Hey Kristen!
Wow. I don't know what to say. This review is awesome...beyond awesome, really! *squee*
How can I possibly thank you? I feel so honored that you would take the time to leave such in-depth feedback. I actually needed a few days to digest it all before I could come up with a proper reply. ^_^
As for the Wicker Man, yes, I would definitely recommend the original 1973 version. But be forewarned, it's a bit of a "unique" film and somewhat dated. However, if you can look past all that, you'll find a very, very creepy and well-written horror movie. I don't think it is necessary to actually see the film in order to understand this fic, although, if you do, you might catch onto some of the hidden references and what-not and also have a vague idea of where the plot is going. ^_^
I'm so glad you're enjoying the plot so far! For some reason, I had a bit of trouble planning the first few chapters of this fic. And I was going to start this story off in chronological order, but at the last minute, I changed my mind. I'm so thrilled to hear that you thought the risk was worth it. ;) Willoway is an entirely fictional island, by the way, although it is based on another fictional island, Summerisle, that happens to be the setting of the Wicker Man film.
As to why I decided to set this story in Scotland, well, first of all, the movie takes place on a Scottish island and second of all, I wanted to work a bit with the Celtic elements of legend and magic. JKR's universe is just so ripe with myth and mysticism that I had to take advantage of it. :)
Yay! I'm glad you liked my characterization. I've actually never written Tonks before, so I was really worried that she'd be terribly OOC. As for Brodie, his relationship with Tonks will turn out to be considerably more complex than her relationship with Moody. She certainly doesn't like/admire him now, but that will all change pretty soon. And please don't apologize for the concrit! I LOVE concrit.
Thanks a million for pointing out that typo, as well. I shall correct it right away. ^_^
Again, thank you SO much for the fantastic review, Kristen. It really means a lot to me. I hope you have a lovely week! Take care!
celticbard Report Review
Yay, I was waiting for this chapter to come out Mel! And let me tell you, this did NOT disappoint. And no, I seriously was not joking about the Dobby Award xD I'm seriously going to vote for this as Best Humor. You may count on it!
I loved your sense of sarcastic humor in this chapter. Although I have to admit, there weren't as many laughing moments as there were in the last chapter. But the laugh-out-loud moments that WERE in there, were very funny like your opening lines about his looks. I love it!
I also liked that you included a little back story about all of the characters. I think you added another layer of connection for your readers to these bright, funny, and colorful people! I love that you have the sensible Raj being married - it goes to show that The Morning Waffle isn't run by a bunch of immature (okay, that's a bit of a stretch :P) people who still act like teenagers. Please take that as a compliment :D. Oh! And Tabitha - I got to say that I LOVED how you made her the dreaded American transfer character...except she was certainly not dreadful! I tink this was one of those cases where you could take a cliche and rock it in a good, fun, original way.
My favorite line for some reason is Voldemort Light. Less filling, shittier taste, and not nearly as consequential. It stands by itself, and the analogy to diet coke or beer (I'm assuming Fred meant beer?) made it all the more memorable. You have a gift with words. And you want to know what? It's a clear and precise way of writing, nothing too flowery. I like flowery as well, but your writing style is just fresh for me.
Will the Snapper play a prominent role in this story? From your description, he sort of reminds me of the Joker in "The Dark Knight". Was that intentional? It just brought creepy!Heath Ledger to my mind when you mentioned the Snapper leaves his trademark cards and tortures muggles. I could picture him saying "I'm like a dragon chasing broomsticks!" The allusion to Jack the Ripper I thought was really cool.
I really don't have any concrit for you yet :( I'm sorry! And I'm sorry for this not being as long as my previous review. I will be back to review your upcoming chapters though! xD
P.S: I was being completely serious :P!Author's Response: Kristen!! Do you know, I just had a major squee moment when I saw I had a review from you! :-)
Thanks for all of your comments; I really appreciate all of them and take them all to heart. I'm glad you're still enjoying the humor, even though there was a lot of exposition here.
And don't worry about the comment regarding everyone on the show acting like a bunch of teenagers -- I think you were pretty right-on with that observation. They're not immature, but they're all twenty-somethings (being a twenty-something myself, I can tell you they're not all that different from kids sometimes) -- and they do like to goof around on their show. Raj is pretty level-headed, though he's definitely got his own sense of humor, and he keeps things on track. (Raj is actually my character crush in this story -- I love him.)
And yes, Tabitha -- gosh, I really went back and forth about the American idea. I almost didn't do it because of the cliche associated with it, but I kept it because 1) she's not a transfer student, and 2) hopefully she won't come across as a Mary Sue. You know, she doesn't have legs up to here and a dazzling smile and all that jazz. And being American myself, I think I can write her pretty faithfully. :-)
THANK YOU SO MUCH for pointing out that line about Voldemort Light! It was one of my favorites to write, and I hoped readers would get it. Haha, yes, I think Fred was referring more to beer, although it works just as well with soda.
The Snapper will have an indirect role in this story -- you will actually see part of that in the next chapter. I like the analogy to the Joker! It wasn't intentional, but perhaps it was subconscious. I can see how he is very similar to the Joker, in that he's basically a nutcase.
Right now I'm sending some edits to Chapter 1 through the queue, and then I hope to have Chapter 3 up right after that. So I'll keep my fingers crossed that I'll be able to get the next Chapter out within the next couple of weeks.
I appreciate your reviews so much. And I can't tell you how flattered I am that you're enjoying this story!
Melanie Report Review
Hi Fallstar! This is Kristen from the forums :). I'll answer your questions right now, in the order that you asked me:
1. In my opinion, a redemption chapter would not work logically. Dean Thomas, in my eyes, was the only character that had reason for redemption, and he got killed off. The other characters were in too much of a supporting role to have the said redemption chapter revolve around them...if that makes sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is what would the other characters have to redeem themselves for?
2. The sin of character violation? I like that! :P Um...I'll be honest, Dean's characterization wasn't necessarily a violating per say, but I thought that it was a wee bit unrealistic. The ONLY reason why I thought it was so was because Dean has always been suspected as a muggleborn, just look at Deathly Hallows. Furthermore, he has always been a good guy...in canon anyways, there was no particular reason why he would want to help the blackhats. Still, it beats those cliche Draco-the-good-doer portrayals :D.
3. I don't think it is too dark at all. The way it was written sort of reminded me of those artsy films like "American Beauty" or "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".
4. Does it have a unifying concept? Your memories that you chose seemed to have that same morbid feel (this is meant to be seen as a compliment. xD) and that dreamlike quality about the story. Your dialogue also had a nice story telling feel to it. Like they were being said by a speaker by a fire on a cold and thunderstorming night.
Some bits of sour for you (I'm sorry!): I really like that you took a chance with a new style of writing, but there wasn't enough descriptions to make me, the reader, feel present in it. Going from flashback to flashback got a little confusing as well. At first I was reading about Mr. Edgecombe's story and the next thing I know BAM! Dean's remembering to when he first Marietta. There was just too much little random snippets of back story for me. For instance, how does knowing Dean and Marietta copulated the day after he got hired tie into the story?
In addition, it was a little unbelievable, I'm afraid to say, when Mr. Edgecombe was talking of the Floating game. If someone fell 60 feet from the air, even if they were magical, they would die on impact. That would be like someone jumping off of a skyscraper. And after he told Dean he killed his father, wouldn't he feel a little apprehensive being around him?
Don't get me wrong, I think your story has something here. I think you just need to elaborate more for your readership. Like how are Marietta and Neville friends? Why do Hermione and Marietta have a tense relationship into their adult years? How was Dean's body found?
Keep up the good work!
KristenAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the very lengthy review, but more for the criticism.
First, I\\\'ll the point by point.
1. I was thinking having Marietta have one or else Mr. Edgecombe.
2. The reason I asked about Character Violation was...Dean. I wanted to see how far I could go with a character before it became as obnoxious as Drakie-poo. I figured that having him be really dark would be the best I could manage. Helping the black hats...I suspected him of being Voldemort\\\'s kid.
3.Thank you so much. I loved those films.
4. It was a dark and stormy night... Merrily Merrily Merrily Merrily/ Life is but a Scream.
Very good questions.
VK:For instance, how does knowing Dean and Marietta copulated the day after he got hired tie into the story?
F:Well, because Dean got was able to marry Marietta because he took the job. She knew this. It would also give cause.*
VK: If someone fell 60 feet from the air, even if they were magical, they would die on impact.
F: That was a business plan put into a fable. Also, it is a key to the story.*
And after he told Dean he killed his father, wouldn\\\'t he feel a little apprehensive being around him?
VK:And after he told Dean he killed his father, wouldn\\\'t he feel a little apprehensive being around him?
F:Yes, but he was sure he was safe; he had just been hired after all. Moreover, he probably gambled that it would be dishonorable* to kill the beau of one\\\'s daughter.
*These are connected. You asked the right questions. Report Review
Interesting chapter! Can I take a guess at who JP is? Is it James Potter II? :) It's probably not, but that would be a nice plot twist - the son of the golden boy who created a place for werewolf killers. Is Dwayne JP's love child?
I love your character names, they are very original and they stand out very much in my mind. How much consideration do you put into naming these dark characters?
I like the relationship between Darcy and JP. It reminds me of the relationship between Bellatrix and Voldemort. Was that your intention?
Speaking of Darcy, I think she is a very intriguing character to work with. To me, it seems like you could go either way with her...make her really evil or switch her to the good side. I think when you have that dexterity, that's a sign of a well drawn out character.
I think your dialogue is very natural and believable. I also think that your descriptions of the characters were nice. I like knowing wat characters are supposed to look like. However, "chocolate skin" does seem a wee bit cliche, in my opinion. Maybe it's because of most fics that describe Hermione's eyes as chocolate etc. but I think it would make the description much more interesting if you used a more uncommon word like "mud".
I'm sorry that this isn't my best review, but I really liked this chapter and I can't wait to see how it all unfolds. By the way, your snippets of backstory are great. I find it all fascinating.
9/10. Please keep going with this fic, I think it will be fantastic ^_^.
KristenAuthor's Response: Wow, thanks!
I refuse to reveal who JP is... but I\\\'m delighted you\\\'re guessing. I also refuse to tell you Dwayne\\\'s relationship with him... Muhahaha
As for names, all of them stand for \\\"darkness\\\" or \\\"death\\\" or something along those lines. They come from a variety of cultures. I don\\\'t spend much time on them, I usually find them on the internet, and ones that are prouncable but uncommon I take. I have a list of about thirty names to use for this fic.
I wasn\\\'t thinking about Bellla and Voldemort when I wrote this, though it\\\'s probably true that I subconsciously channeled them. Although Darcy resents the Master more than Bellatrix did.
It\\\'s good to know that Darcy was written well, I think she\\\'s by far my favorite character. The balance of good and evil in her is exactly what I love writing. And thanks for the suggestion on my descriptions, I wanted you to get to know them because I\\\'m kind of throwing OC after OC at the reader and anything that distinguishes the character is great.
This was a great review! I love the detail you put into them, it really makes my day. There are few reviewers who find enough good and bad things to comment on.
THANKS! Report Review
Hey Sarah! It's Kristen from the forums :). I saw this in a review thread (no, I'm not a creeper! xD) and I had to click on the link because this looked VERY intriguing.
I love your summary. It is very reminiscent of what would be taglines on a movie poster. In a way, it questions the reader I think (I know it had me thinking) into wonder and by that, I believe it is a well thought of summary that will be in people's minds for a while. It's dark, short, snappy, and twisted and I love it!
Your descriptions are the quintessence of excellence. In all seriousness, my jaw dropped in awe as I read your beautiful first paragraph. Your word choice is so astounding! I could picture everything you described because they were so powerful. I loved how in the first paragraph you kept the angry vibe with the wrestling bodies of clouds. In a way, your descriptions made this eerie chapter poetic.
However, I saw some spelling errors. "...the violet booming of the battle" - should violet be violent? I merely question this because I know some thunderstorms can have purple skies but it didn't really fit the description. And another one like this I saw was "...stripped off all their closes" - closes should be switched to clothes. I would go through, reread, and check for more. As far as I could tell, your grammar was nice.
Your character names are awesome. Does Thanos have a particular meaning? Do your werewolves in general have name meanings that fit their personalities? Are they given to them by the Master or teachers? Anyway, I just think they're very original and they stand out better than most other fics.
I love Dwayne's sadistic character. I can tell he's going to be good fun to read.
Okay, time for more sour (my word for constructive criticism): "In fact, in French the literal meaning of the Proie’s name was Loud Prey" - this didn't sit right with me, I'm sorry. It seemed awkward and out of place, because it's surrounded by beautiful depictions of the scene and back story that it comes off slightly clinical. It doesn't seem like it is necessary information to keep the story going, so I think that bit would have been better off in an author's note.
I also think that the name "The Master", though used in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (it's a general term so you're good :D), is much more elegant and in its own way, scarier, than JP to be honest. JP sounds a little bit amateurish and from my impression of the guy from what you told me through this chapter, he is to be taken very seriously.
You have a superb writing style but there were times where I felt that you slipped from this gothic story teller to something a little less I guess. What I mean is that there were some wordings that made a sentence a wee rough around the edges. Like "Apparently the latest name the Master was..."; if you remove the word "apparently" it makes that sentence more mature. I would also suggest getting rid of "...even something childish like SGW, " for the same reasons. :)
I actually think your chapter title is cool. I loved how you named it after the boy whose point of view you wrote from. And the description was also very telling, it made it very professional. Are you going to do every chapter like that?
Some parting questions for you: how did the werewolf academy come to be? I never heard it mentioned at all in the series or JKR say that werewolves had their own school. Are you going to tie it into canon?
Lastly, just out of curiosity, does the book or movie versions of "Blood and Chocolate" have anything to do with the production of this fanfic? It just reminded me of it.
Okay, well that's it for now! I can't wait for when you update on this work.
A (9/10) and this will have to go in my favorites :P
KristenAuthor's Response: Wow! What a long, detailed review! I can\\\'t tell you how glad it made me to see how much time and thought you put into it!
Summaries always have been a challenge for me- It\\\'s rare that I find a way to put enough info and mystery in it at the same time. But I\\\'m glad this summary worked out, it was deliberately short because sometimes that\\\'s just the best way to get people to read it.
Descriptions are another thing I strive to make work but aren\\\'t always good enough, so once again I\\\'m glad that you found them to connect enough to the story.
I agree with everything you said about the maturity of the writing- much of what you pointed out was correct and I\\\'ll be fixing it. However, JP is just another secret of the school and will be better explained later.
Yes, all the titles of the chapters will follow the pattern of the first. I\\\'m in a dilemma, because some POVs will have to repeat, but I\\\'m sure I\\\'ll think of something. This is a mixture of a novella and almost a collection of one shots, so it was hard to find acurate titles.
As for your questions, they\\\'ll all be answered in due couse of the story. There was no mention of a werewolf school, but I\\\'m going to make this as canon as possible.
I\\\'ve never heard of Blood and Chocolate, that\\\'s kind of cool.
I figured I had to to have a long response to such a long and wonderful review! Once again, thank you SO much! Report Review
Hey, girl! It's Kristen here FINALLY giving you a well deserved review :D. I've been meaning to stop by and read this, but I've been sort of busy with real life. Anyway, I'm here now! :) I got two words for you: where's the rest?!...wait, that's three words.
I guess I shall start off the meat of this review about your banner. Yeah, I know that it's technically not a part of a story, but I have to comment on it. I think you must know what attracts readers and what doesn't because that was one of he first things that caught my eye about your story. The cast was very unique (even with the girl who plays Alice Cullen and Chase Crawford) and the waffles are so cute! It just seems so different than all the other ones I see - so great job on your part and arushi!
And Mel, let me tell you, I was laughing my ass off through this entire chapter. I loved how Fred's little quips were so sarcastic. I think sarcastic humor is on of the funniest types...it actually sort of reminded me of the Showtime show "Dexter". Sort of. Obviously this isn't about a sociopath-vigilante. xD
Therefore, I got to say that your sense of voice for Fred from the first person point of view is excellent. I don't sense that is you portraying how Fred II would act like, I feel like Fred is speaking to me, the reader. My favorite quote has to be "My faithful crew, throwing me to the dragons. Here, have some Chocolate Frogs while you watch me die for entertainment." It was funny and I love how you incorporated wizard elements. Your opening paragraph was also very relatable. It made me think that we would have some things in common (but I never had a relationship and I don't drink), and before I would have never thought so because I do not see myself as a particular jokester.
I like the sound of Tibbs. I have an inkling she and Fred will be romantically linked. By the way, why is she called Tibbs if her name is Tabitha?
Okay, time for some sour. Sorry, I gotta :/. When you started going into talking about Raj's clock, for me, it seemed to get a wee little technical and that, in my opinion, was the dullest part. What I mean is that you started going off into explaining the clock and going into some back story and then to some Fred humor, I sort of tuned out. I guess my suggestion would have to be to shorten it.
Next bit: I didn't see how Fred's line about James being his personal assistant fit into this chapter, and it made it awkward, in my opinion. I think maybe it was because James was only mentioned only a couple times and thus didn't play as big of a role as Raj (for example) did. That little section just seemed random to me, that's all.
I loved your dialogue, it was nice, short, and snappy. BUT I got to say that you have an extra exclamation point when Molly feels embarrassed her grandson reveals her age. I know that sounds really picky, but you just need one to convey the emotion ;).
Lastly (I don't mean to put so much concrit), I would just recommend to be careful with your swear choices and how much you use them. Fred may swear like a sailor, but if you use the f word too much, you may lose credibility with your readership, and turn them off. And I do not know about others, but I get uncomfortable at certain words like the c word or the p word that's another name for a kitty. It may just be me, but I'm just giving my point of view on the issue.
And a parting question for you to answer: What was the reasoning behind your titles? They're very original and intriguing.
All in all, I really liked reading this and I will be eagerly awaiting your next chapter. I wouldn't be surprised if this got nominated at the Dobby Awards. I can see this will be an awesome fic!
GREAT JOB MEL! *hugs*
9.5/10 and I don't know if you can tell or not but this immediately went into my favorites!
And I'm sorry if I ever sounded harsh or pretentious, I was trying to be thorough and helpful :)
KristenAuthor's Response: Wow, thanks for the awesome review, Kristen!
I know I said this in my comment over at the forums, but I love that you mentioned the show \"Dexter.\" It\'s one of my favorites. (Could you tell, from the fact that there\'s a Dexter in this fic? He\'s pretty different than Dexter Morgan, though!)
I cannot comment on your inkling about Tabitha. *winkcoughwink* As for the nickname Tibbs...it was just one of those things that someone at the station (probably Fred) called her as a joke once day and it stuck and became part of her identity.
I really appreciate the constructive criticism. You make some really valid points -- some that I hadn\'t thought of before and some that I had. Particularly the swearing -- I had already realized that I was a little too heavy-handed with it here, especially given that it\'s the very first chapter and it\'s so short. I just wasn\'t thinking when I did the final edits and posted it. But I\'ve been intending to go back and edit it, definitely. At first I thought I would hold off on the edit for awhile, but now I think I may do it right away, after the second chapter is validated. As you pointed out, I don\'t want to turn off readers, and as this is the first chapter I want to make a good impression on new readers right from the beginning. I don\'t intend on being too heavy with the language over the course of the fic, but I appreciate you helping me to keep it in check.
Titles -- You mean the reasoning behind the fic title and the chapter title? Hmm...well, the title of the fic and the show was something that hit me one day because I realized that a waffle is something you eat in the morning AND it describes exactly the kind of nonsensical banter that goes on on Fred\'s show. It just sort of occurred to me. And the chapter title...well...to be honest, I was hard-pressed for one and just came up with something randomly. :-D
A Dobby!? *clutches heart in shock from too much flattery* Stop it, you\'re making me blush. It\'s only the first chapter! LOL. But thank you, seriously...I have big plans for this fic, and my greatest hope is that I\'ll be able to carry them out and create something that\'s at least moderately pleasurable to read. But in seriousness, if I can make any of my readers fall in love with these characters as much as I am already in love with them, I will consider this a success.
Your review was immensely helpful. Thank you so much. It was the most thorough review I have ever received!
PS: Sorry for all the slashes! I wanted to reply right away and instead of waiting for that problem to get fixed. :-) Report Review
This was interesting :) It reminded me of a story written by emz I think her name was, with the Grey Lady and the Bloody Baron. Were you by any chance inspired by that to start this collab? Or if not, what did inspire you?
I think this reads very well. It has a nice poetic style to it, which I think adds greatly to the role the different colors play in your work. Do Alanna and Rabastan both have synesthia (I probably butchered that word xD)?
I loved Rab's character in this! I love how he's so cool and lazy and how you sort of subtly hint at his dark nature, like what is to come. Moreover, it was really cool that though this was from Alanna's point of view, you inserted clips of his side. My favorite line throughout the entire piece was He had eyes for nothing but what he was leaving behind—the castle of his childhood, and what now awaited him—a cigar in a monogrammed robe every morning. I just think his voice was very distinct. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that his character dominated Alanna's...I don't know if that was intended or not.
Some criticism: Try to use a little more variation with your words. I noticed that on several occasions throughout the fic you use the word "blue" to describe blue like azure or something to that effect (I give you credit for using cerulean though!). It just made the flow a tad choppy with the word "blue" so much in there.
Okay, that's it :P Great job with your descriptions and sense of characterizations.
KristenAuthor's Response: Hi Kristen, thanks for coming to review. I didn't get this beta'd, so I felt it was in need of some critique.
No, I've never read that story, but this collab was inspired by my love of color symbolism, and to write it specifically with senses other than sight sounded fascinating. =]
I'm glad you like Rab. He's so much fun to write, and yes, he is supposed to dominate Alanna's character. It gets more apparent as they get older. [I'm writing a novel on them, so studying their early relationship dynamic is interesting.] He is imposing, but he's also false and contradictory. Alanna is the opposite - she's vulnerable, but she is too honest. I like switching povs between them because the two sides are so different.
I do notice that I use a lot of repetition in my writing; people have brought it up before. I'll go back and get rid of some of the "blue"s. Thanks again for the review!
~Gabby Report Review
I do! I do! *jumps up and down* Ron is a sexybeast!
I have actually no clue what pulp crime fiction means but if its anything like the classic film noir detective stories complete with the suspenseful music and smoking pipe, then I say GOOD JOB MELANIE!
This made me laugh at the whole over the topness of it all. My favorite lines were "'Hello, I’m playing one of my freakish games with my wife right now. Please come back later.'" and "What an indecent thing to say to a lady." They made me smile and then burst with giggles like alot of other lines.
I loved the characterizations, like Hermione playing the helpless "dame" (I loved when Ron commented on that) in distress and Ron the sarcastic, macho white hat. You work well with humor! And the romance scenario was just so cute and it stands out from the many other Ron/Hermiones. Are you getting a banner for this story?
It's kind of hard giving critiques on this, I need to gain some oxygen back to my lungs xD
KristenAuthor's Response: Kristen!!
I'm so glad you liked this! Thank you for the awesome review.
Yes, film noir is exactly what I was going for -- that, and the old detective novels that are in the same vein as film noir. I tried to keep the narrative voice the same as the books in that genre -- dry and to the point.
Thanks for pointing out those lines -- they were the most fun to write, so I'm glad they were fun to read, too. And I'm flattered that it's a Ron/Hermione that stands out to you!
I already have a banner for it, and it's awesome, but I can't add it until the queue re-opens! It's a really cute detective-y banner.
Thank you again for reading and reviewing this!
Melanie :-) Report Review
I have to say, this was very well written and a very promising start to what I imagine will be a story filled with twists and turns. Your descriptions were flawless, and beautiful. I loved how your dialogue fit with the time period. It sounded very natural.
I hope Leof survives! I would imagine it would be kind of awkward if he died and she remained with child before they consummated their marriage. Cate and Ellen seem like they'll morph into well rounded characters as the story progresses.
This isn't really much to give real constructive criticism to go off of, so good job and keep up the awesome work!
KristenAuthor's Response: Yay you like it! *dances*
Thanks for such a prompt review, sorry I'm not such a prompt responder. Or is it respondee? Anyhoo...I couldn't possibly reveal what happens to any of the characters, you'll just have to wait and see ;)
Thanks again for issuing the challenge. I read your review and suddenly realised I hadn't credited it anywhere on my story, so that's fixed now! Thanks again!
xxx Report Review
Hi there! I know it has been months since you posted your story in my challenge, but today is the first day of summer vacation, so no more classes for me!
Pat yourself on the back, because this was good :D I loved the poem/quote you chose by Ms. Gluck. Whilst I was reading this, I kept thinking how or if it would play into your story, and I was pleasantly surprised. I really enjoyed how in each of their own way, the Black sisters were all savage like. Was that intended?
Furthermore, it should be noted that I have a strong preference toward third person past tense narration as opposed to present tense first person. BUT let me tell you that you did brilliantly with the style. I didn't feel out of place as I normally do, and I felt a more solid connection with Narcissa. Moreover, the flashbacks worked well and fit nicely with your story. To me, that style was done to perfection (no bumps or snags at all), so kudos to you!
As a part of the way it was written, your descriptions and voice was also very promising. The words that you used were simple but powerful at the same time, resurrecting images that were very clear in my brain. The voice of the adolescent (she is a teenager in this, right?) Narcissa was unique. My favorite part was at the end where you just have a collection of short sentences - but they flow with such personality!
I loved your characterization of Bella too by the way. It was very believable.
Any constructive bits? Well, your dialogue itself is great, but at parts, they were formatted the wrong way. What I'm trying to say is that when you write a sentence beginning with dialogue, it should be one sentence, not the dialogue in one sentence and the fragmented narrative in another. For example:
"I...I've met someone. And I think I love him." She tells me, stopping and looking at the floor. it should be more like
"I...I've met someone. And I think I love him," she tells me, stopping and looking at the floor. There were many others where you ended your dialogue with a period and fragmented the rest of the action; but this is really the only thing that I can give constructive criticism about :) I hope all of that made sense!
Awesome job with this, and please keep writing!
KristenAuthor's Response: Thank you for putting so much thought into your review! I can't tell you how appriciative I am. The 18th was my first day of vacation as well, so I understand the delay 100%.
I really enjoyed writing this story, and your challenge was just the push I needed to get myself out of a few months of writers block (or pure laziness...one of the two). I usually end up regretting getting myself into challenges during the school year, but I didn't feel that way at all with this one.
Anyway, I'm flattered that you liked it. I feel like you really understand the way i write. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how amazing it is when, as an author, you feel like your readers truly understand what you are trying to get across in a story :)
Thank you for the critisism as well. I definitely have to work on formatting...It's always been one of my weak points.
Have a great summer,
Jen Report Review
Brava! *claps hands eagerly*
I want to congratulate you on REALLY going out there, writing a story in verse is one thing, but to do it for over 2000 words without breaking character? Magnificent! You should really be proud of this work, I can tell you put a lot of thought and energy into and all of it is well deserved.
Your descriptions were also very lovely. It gave your epic poem an ethereal quality, like I was seeing the story through a crystal ball. The use of other cultures and creatures was also very well done. I think this was the first story I read where someone took the time to incorporate the Egyptians and the rest into a piece, and that in itself made this all the more original. Your characterizations and back stories of the Founders I thought were great. I liked seeing that side to Godric and that reasoning behind Salazar's prejudice.
Um, constructive criticism: Honestly, I couldn't find any. Perhaps, if anything, I would vary your words just a little bit. For instance, you used the word "burgundy" quite alot to describe different elements, that's what I mean about repitition.
You took a risk and IT WORKED! Feel proud, and I would not be surprised if this was on the June Challenge Recommendation list (like they had for the May stories.)
I'm sure you got this all before, but I just wanted to express my feelings and thoughts about your poem :) Thanks for letting me read this!
KristenAuthor's Response: Thank you Kristen. You have made my day. This is my first time writing in verse and thank you for the well wishes on the contest. YouĂ˘Â€Â™re correct on the burgundy. I have to see what colors are similar or synonyms. That one is difficult because I wanted to portray them as freaky. When I think of auburn or red head, I think of Weasleys and I didnĂ˘Â€Â™t want to confuse the readers since they are NOT related at all. There are synonyms though that I will use which will hopefully let me tweak enough to possibly win.
The vampires were inspired partly do to Anne Rice and various RPG games. When it comes to vamps, I figure varied and such. Plus I did a little secret tie-in to my anthology. One of my half-vampire characters remarks that he can trace his lineage back to Ramses. Also, I have an Aetasvici descendent. So I through all of it together with the research I did on the Founders.
The Founders were based on what JKR wrote and Walpurgis is a tie-in to the Death Eaters who first called themselves the Knights of Walpurgis. Wish me luck!
It is a very well written piece - I love your narrative style. It does seem very reminiscent, in its own original way, like JK Rowling's own. Simple but poetic at the same time.
I enjoyed the reasoning behind the diadem - Rowena/Godric shipper I detect? And the not so perfect portrayals of both women. You can sense a little smug pride from Rowena at the end there.
Criticism...well, to be frank, the end paragraph lacked a little emotion. It was like "Oh, they're gone! The end!" It would have been nice to see her reaction though, you know? Or even if not, it would be better if you gave some more subtle hints at Helena's desire to trump her mother, not just her jealousy and dislike for her.
Overall, great job! I think this gave me a little boost to write that Salazar/Helga story I've been planning :PAuthor's Response: Hi Kristen!
I'm so glad you like my narrative style, a lot of people tend to compare it to JKR's style, I guess it's because I'm using her characters and world so I try to stay true to her way of writing it.
Actually I'm not a Rowena/Godric shipper, I just think they were very good friends. I'm glad you got that sense of smug pride in Rowena, as I wanted to portray her as being a little vain about her intelligence and her accomplishments (including the diadem).
I did think after I had written it that the end was lacking somewhat. I wanted to leave off where the story picks up in DH, but I think I've left it feeling as though there should be more.
I'm glad you enjoyed this one-shot, and I hope you manage to get your Salazar/Helga one written. Thanks so much for reviewing. :) Report Review
Wow...wow, Midna...just wow!
This was a very intriguing read, Midna, I must admit it. To be honest the Creevey brothers bugged me throughout the series, so that when Colin was revealed to be dead, I felt a twinge of sympathy at best. But this story, I felt, made their situation more understandable...you had me blinking back tears at the end there.
You executed the narration beautifully...you made Dennis more heart wrenching than I could ever believe. My favorite bit was when you wrapped everything up like Dennis was praying to the Lord...it was so innocent and thoughtful!
I also liked how you portrayed Colin as angel like actually. Like his perfection was unattainable to the little brother.
Quick question though: did you mean for the story to sound like Dennis lost touch with reality with an overdose of shock? Because my only critique for you then would be that for someone who idolized his brother so much, Dennis acted pretty damn rational when he saw his body...I mean, that kind of stuff has to have had some kind of psychological effect on him, right?
You really did do a wonderful job writing this!
KristenAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you! It means so much to hear that you were touched by my writing in this story. It was difficult for me, as well. I'm sorry to say but I got so excited when you said you were holding back tears. I know that you're not that easily moved, so thank you for your comments.
To answer your question, I didn't quite know how to write his reaction to seeing his brother's body. I'd never seen someone die before me, and I can't imagine losing anyone close to me like that. I didn't want to have Dennis freak out initially because I think that would be too obvious. I kind of went for a more silent scream effect, if that makes any sense. He was so upset that he couldn't find a reaction.
Thank you so much, Kristen! ♥ Report Review
I think it is a good beginning thus far. I like how you began the story, instead of going straight to the beginning you went to the climax (right?) which made it, for me, that much more original.
You also have a nice sense of description which let me see everything perfectly clear in my mind. I'm curious to see what they did that's so terrifying...
8/10 ONLY because at the end you had a little case of repetition in those final few sentences. My only advice would be to try to avoid the repetition and maybe try to word things differently to avoid that but yet still maintain clarity. Did that make sense?Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I feel horrible leaving the story (actually all my stories) for so long, I hit major writers block and left for awhile, but I'm back and might write some more!!
Thanks again! Report Review
I like how you have a nice yet simple plot and that it matched well with the lyrics. However I would like to point out a few things to you, and please do not take offense! I only want to help...
First - your opening. Those few sentences seemed a little "See Jack running. See Jack sitting." In other words, it seemed a little naive and awkward as in the first part you already stated they were talking and then you repeated it again, although you added a tree. So instead of:
Scorpius was talking to his girlfriend, Rose Weasley, and they were sitting under a tree near the black lake. Scorpius and Rose were talking happily until they started to talk about their families.
A suggestion would be:
Sitting under a tree that stood by the Black Lake, Scorpius Malfoy and his girlfriend Rose Weasley chatted happily until the topic of family snuck up.
See what a difference that made?
The next thing I'd like to discuss is description, or a lack thereof. Imagery and painting pictures in a reader's mind can help your story so very much. On a serious note, it can make or break a story - or at least wound it. Perhaps in your future works you could try it!
But anyway, you got potential as an author - really you do. So don't give up and I hope you have a very good day!Author's Response: i am not offended at all, thank u for the advice and long review :D Report Review
This was just so sweet, beautiful, believable, innocent, tragic, the list of adjectives could go on and on! Really, this short story touched me so much, and I guess it was a little ironic that I was just playing with the thought of writing a Draco/Luna story where she's a captive...guess I can't now can I with this gorgeous peace out XD.
I think what made this so rememberable for me was that it was actually convincing. This was of course my second Draco/Luna I've read and I'm just simply amazed at how you filled in those little cracks and corners of Draco's feelings and life in Deathly Hallows and made them your own. However, I didn't like how you portrayed the relationship between Draco and his father, Lucius. I'm kind of a hypocrite I guess when I say this but I honestly don't think Lucius would degrade his son so much because of his failings like you showed in Lumos. Keep in mind, it was also Lucius' fault for bringing down the family name in the Good Book of Lord Voldemort, especially what happened with the prophecy. And I don't think Draco would hate his father either, I've always seen it that he took pride that Lucius was his father, and he looked up to him.
I loved how you captured Luna...she was just so in canon what with her smiles and all but I think you got the core of your being either when he first sees her looking at his home in awe or how she made that quip about goodness being inside him...she was just so brilliant!
And with Draco...I really do think you got him down pat. Your flow of how he was, at first, a pompous arse and then grew to be a good person was so professional and smooth.
I'm not going to lie: the ending made me blink back tears. It was just so romantic and innocent, I thought, the way you wrote the kiss--and so Lunaish too! It was also so beautiful to watch Draco's inner fight over how he didn't want to lose Luna.that right there made me love Draco in this story.
I like the way you write, your prose is just so easy to read and powerful at the same time! But I do recommend you edit your earlier chapters for spelling, I noticed in the first one you wrote Lucius' name as Lucious numerous times.
The hideous mark on his forearm faded with time, but the feel of her fingertips did not.
It's funny how just one sentence could be so mighty. Great ending to a great story!
8/10 and favourited.
I love this story so much! Report Review
I'm not one for stories with sexual contexts, but this chapter was hilarious! I loved Ron and how you wrote him, and the same with Harry. They were most definitely in character. Especially with Ron, I loved how you put in those sarcastically funny bits in. I think you were most in character at the end when he didn't want his precious Hermione on the maybe list. Harry's quip about the hobby horse was great.
I'm most assuredly, favouriting this.Author's Response: Lmao! I'm always up for sexual content... did i just say that out loud???
Anyways, thanks! Seeing as my fic is pretty far-out in terms of canon (I'm just filling the gaps for JK here, she missed out on the best subplot of the series) i tried to keep at leats ye ole Ron and Harry in character!!!
Thanks for readng, reviewing and favouriting! ^_^
Happy Easter! Report Review
This is different, I must admit, but it was nonetheless intriguing Susan. You had a few spelling mistakes: in the very beginning you put the word "this" instead of "his". I loved the humour in it - it was so sarcastic which I liked alot especially coming from James and Teddy. I wish I could talk about this more but I got to get to Huck Finn for English (I'm so sorry!) but I can't wait to see how you go about this.Author's Response: Fixed that. *blushes* Silly typo, and at the beginning too! :-O Thanks for pointing it out, Kristen, and thank you for reviewing! The sarcasm was a must-include for this story, and I found that I was making James into the Marauder James, which I guess could be realistic. ;) Report Review
Sweet chapter Mimi darling. I liked your sentence structure and vocab: very professional. Although edit it a bit, there are spelling errors. Now please read mine my supercilious yet exquisite sister. Thanks for making oatmeal. Report Review
Interesting plot twist that ending had! Very intriguing, I didn't expect that at all. I think you mastered Rita's poisonous, yet rich character, rather magnificently. You really got a handle on her and I just fell in love with your descriptions - oh so fluid and matter of fact. You had some mistakes here and there...for example the first time you mention Cornelius you wrote 'Minister for Magic' instead of 'Minister of Magic'. Also in the article when you discuss wanted posters you write the word before twice...I think you left a thought unfinished. but anyhoo great story, and I favourited it.Author's Response: Thank you once again for such a lovely review! Rita is incredibly fun to write - she just oozes with acidity and ambition. xD I'll make sure to fix up those mistakes - thanks for pointing them out to me! :D Report Review
I was browsing the forums a little while ago, looking for a good read. I go to the story recommendations and I saw this one listed. I'm a big fan of this ship and I must say I was blown away at this one-shot. It was different compared to others I have read (they were never post-schism) and overall it was a short but nonetheless a very beautiful piece. I think what's so great about this tale is that its realistic with their relationships. I really could picture them a secret, even Salazar hating Helga's tears. Your characterizations of Salazar and Helga were good - especially Salazar. You grasped his personality and made it your own. Your descriptions were very vivid which I liked and your dialogue, I note, has a very poetic sort of flow. I hope you write more stories on this couple, I believe you got a knack for it.
9/10 stars and I'll place this in my favourites.Author's Response: Wow - thank you so much Kristen!
Woot, I'm a huge Helga/Salazar shipper too. As always when I write, I create the plot first and then later choose the characters that fit in best with it, and Helga/Salazar post-schism (as you called it xD) seemed to fit perfectly. I'm glad you liked the characterization of the two - I was worried when I posted this that Helga might seem to soppy. Haha, I always find it so amusing when someone calls some aspect of my writing poetic, because I truly, truly despise having to write poetry for school. xD
Eventually (when I'm not feeling so lazy :P) I do hope to do some more Founders stuff cause they're so much fun to write. *huggle* Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
Aw that indeed was magical and sweet. I really like this story and for a most unusual pairing (which I have always liked greatly) I think you pulled it off. As it was from an ancient era, I fell in love with your prose and dialogue. It sounded more realistic and by the same token, it sounded almost poetic. The only problem I really saw was that you had a wee little habit of repeating the word "nigh" too much...but that was pretty much it.
Helga I enjoyed reading. Though I had never officially read her before I liked how you showed us her past history. I dunno, that was just a random something that I liked about her that proved that she was normal.
This was brilliant! 9/10Author's Response: Thank you! It's so great to find another Helga/Salazar fan! And I do use the word "nigh" too much... it's just such a fun word. XD Report Review
O_O I'm in awe Susan. Seriously. This was...no words cannot describe it -maybe brilliant but to me that is just putting it mildly. This was my first read at Tom/McGonagall and I gotta say you make it look tempting. I loved your descriptions. They were just so powerfully vivid I could feel her emotions and I could picture every intricate scene. This story's style of writing reminded me of Ian McEwan's Atonement. Your characterizations were good and I really liked Tom. I felt that you captured the esscence of this strong character and fleshed him out so that he came to life. The only problem I have with it is that in some parts it got a little slow -but that just may be me as it is a quarter past eleven at night and I look the rough equivalent of a zombie- but that's pretty much it. I love this story!
9.5/10 and it is added to my favourites XDAuthor's Response: I definitely agree about the slowness in parts - that was me trying to figure out where to go next with the story. :S But I'm glad that's the only problem with this story. It was probably one of the hardest I've ever written with all the emotion and darkness, and its writing style. I've never read Atonement, but I know the sort of style McEwan uses is what I was trying to work with. I'm glad it came across well, since it isn't always a style that makes sense to read. It's also great that the characterizations turned out right - Tom is exciting to write, though I'm never sure if I'm quite getting him right. :)Thanks so much for this review, it really means a lot. ^_^ Wow, it's just awesome that you enjoyed the story so much. Report Review
I've read alot of fictions with Draco and Hermione as the star characters...but in all of them they end up having smoochies. This, I was glad to see, took a fresh turn. I like how you just made Draco and Hermione friends-and the way you went about it, it made it unusually believable. The only thing I have trouble believing is the fact that Hermione got a job as a Healer at seventeen. I'm assuming that just like in our world, becoming a doctor takes years to become. Maybe if she was twenty five or something and starting her internship there it would be more realistic. But yes, that really was the only thing that just seemed out of place.
I loved that little twist where Draco killed Scrimegour. The way you told his story made it completely plausible with the books. And I really felt for the poor guy. You handled those sensitive issues wonderfully :)Author's Response: This is the second story where I've done that- just have them come to an understanding in the end, and I really like how they turn out. I just figure that in real life, not everything ends with a kiss, so I don't want all of my fanfictions to. I actually took your suggestion and changed it to twenty-three. I can't believe I didn't do that to begin with; it makes so much more sense that way, so I thank you for that!
Thank you very much for your wonderful review :) Report Review
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