Hi, Lee! =D Happy birthday! I figured since I have been dreadfully awful with keeping up with a timely review schedule, I thought the best time to actually post this review would be on your birthday :). I hope you have had a nice one! :D Well, here I am - at last! I hope I don't offend you...I meant well!
First thing you should know - I have seen only two and a half episodes of Supernatural. One being about Bloody Mary, the other being about how Dean gets sent on a genie's dream trip to when everything was OK (but not really) in the world, and the halfer being when Sam and Dean are stuck in prison and a vigilante nurse kills inmates by faking them a heart attack. So, really, I only know the bare basics. One, two (gorgeous - I can see why every girl at TGS is Dean's fangirl, I personally like Sam just a smudge better...I remember him from Gilmore Girls xD) brothers fight off demons, ghosts, etc. together despite their polar personalities, and the other being that their lives are TOUGH. And that's it. Should I continue watching the show from the beginning?
With that being said, I really liked this story! Seriously, be proud of it! One thing that always bothered me about Harry Potter crossovers is that the authors have a hard time convincing me that the fandom combined with Harry Potter has a seamless joint together - that two words so different can work realistically. I didn't have this problem with your story AT ALL. It was such a simple way of them joining together too! I could definitely see Sam and Dean run across the secrets of the wizarding world with "Of Demons and Dark Lords." I think that takes some serious talent in an author to do that, so I think you sure got a gift :).
But what I noticed consistently throughout these chapters was problems with spelling and grammar conventions :(. Like here and there instead of say, "Dean's" you had "Deans" or two words in a row like "he they" where only one was grammatically correct and the other one wasn't deleted. It's not terrible or anything! I just found it slightly distracting from the story.
The only other thing that I found to be a little touch off was the way that some sentences were just a tad clunky and awkward. Like, I dunno...I had to read over some of them at certain points and read over them twice because the vision wasn't quite as clear as I'm sure it would have been if they were shorter. Here's one: "Sam, who as quietly as possible, let the duffle bag slide slightly down his arm, just enough from him to be able to put the flashlights back into the bag, before hitching it back up on his shoulder. " See? For me, it just doesn't flow. I hope I'm not offending you with what I'm saying! I'm only trying to keep a fair point of view, and help :). I also noticed that at some small points, it was like the story took on an unusual casual tone with using words like "obviously", "well", "really" in the casual sense, kinda like you're trying to convince the reader to go with what is going on as the author. You got us hooked! :D Don't let those extra words take away from the seriousness, suspense, whatever you're conveying to us; the scenes stand for themselves :).
I ADORED your dialogue. It was so realistic! And judging from the very few episodes I've seen of Supernatural, I thought Sam and Dean were spookily accurate. I could literally HEAR Jared Padelecki and Jensen Ackles off the page.
Not to mention - YOU ARE AWESOME FOR SETTING THIS IN THE US. It's so refreshing than the ones purely set in England. I think it made this all the more original...I mean, you have a whole country to play with! And I dunno...I just liked how it was set in modern America ^_^. Oh! And I think it made it really authentic that you gave places little names like with the Church.
I really, really like the way you write :). Your vision has such a cinematic quality to it. Like for instance, when you have the attacks, or even just ending each chapter, it may sound really silly, but I could hear the suspenseful music and I could just SEE the way things go down, especially when their eyes change. Not to mention, you incorporate real life. Cars, phones, bills, troubles, all that jazz. It made it real easy to be like "NOO! They died?" :P
The last thing that you should know (hopefully you don't think I'm a pretentious, procrastinating cow xD) is that I was sucked in from beginning to finish. Well, end of this chapter anyway. Seriously. I was eager to click to the next chapter! I think you have a great story ahead =)
Keep up the awesome work, Lee! And have a wonderful birthday!
KristenAuthor's Response: Okay, this has to be one of the sweetest and most thoughtful gifts that I have ever gotten for my b-day. You really made my day. And no, you didn't at all! You pointed some things out to me that I really didn't notice before.
Those are all really good episodes, though I can't watch Bloody Mary because it gives me the hebbie-jeebies (I went through elementary school hearing that story. it's ingrained in me to be scared of it). Oh, most definitely start at the beginning. They have little things that happen early on in the show that end up being extremely important in later season (and have people going 'OMG! No way!' when seeing that connection). So yeah, start at the beginning.
Thank you, I'm glad you like it! Yeah, that blend is something I really worked hard on, because I have read some other SPN/HP crossovers that have me going 'that doesn't make sense?' And you are seriously making me blush now, but I am glad to hear that I achived the blend that I wanted.
Yeah, I know there are probably some mistakes. Part of that is just me and part of it is I have a computer that is a but and sometimes switches things up on me. Ande I guess Shiloh missed them as well. I'll have to look through the already posted chapters more carefully.
Hmm, I see what you mean now that you point it out to me. Another thing I will have to look over later. No, you're definitely not offending me. Not at all! You're giving me more things to think about and look for when I re-read my chapters.
Thank you! They are the two I am constantly worrying about, because I really don't want to mess them up. But your comment and the comments other's that have seen the show have made help me feel a little better about that.
Hehe, thanks. Yeah, even though they will briefly be visiting the UK, it is for the most part in the US and I have plans for them that will take them all over the country. XD It's a big playground and I am looking forward to my continuous playing in it.
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it Kristen! This was a wonderful gift that had me blushing for the majority of it. Thank you so, so much! Report Review
Hi Melanie! Do you remember me loff? :P
I promise I'm going to get to reviewing "The Morning Waffle, " life - well, school- - is going to get heavy for a bit with AP Language and my college class in Sociology. ANYWAY, I saw the link in your sig and I had to click. Sirius Black and Brigitte (Bardot,) yummy. I'm glad you decided to go with Brigitte :)
This was hilarious. I loved it. I loved it in all of its over-the-top cheesiness, and its sarcastic humor. I mean, I thought it was really clever, Melanie, that you personified dear Brigitte to sound like typical Sirius play thing with the hot body and beachy looks. I think how you DID go "mushy" in the beginning made it so comical.he's this gorgeous boy who could literally have loads of girls (according to the rules of fanfiction) and he's falling head over heals over an inanimate object.
I think you got the characters of James and Sirius spot on. I could picture that banter (without the "friendly" hand gesture - by the way, adore the paradox of that...flipping the bird being friendly xD) being in an actual Potter book. And I thought it was good that you gave shots of what they liked and didn't like to do, like the flying. It made it more real. AND FLAWS! HALLELUJAH FOR GIVING THEM FLAWS! Glad James' ego is as big as Snooki's poof lol.
It would be adorable if you decided to write the motorcycle with the Ford Anglia, and how the Anglia left it for the Willow. Write more inanimate object love stories!
I'm just curious, what made you finally settle on Brigitte?
I adored your concluding line. It had so much truth to it! Oh, and sports. You can't get a guy out of a relationship with a sport. But yeah...it was so true, and that's what made it funny.
Melanie, you are a great, great writer and i find you and your work darling.
Kristen Report Review
Out of curiosity, I decided to roam your page.
I should tell you, I am not a stalker.
Anyway, I was scrolling through your stories and then I see a story with Ron and Hermione on its banner. I read the summary and I see the words "Viktor/Rose."
At first I was a little repulsed but then my crazy mind just went to wonder how Ron WOULD react if his only daughter was doing the horizontal cha cha with the one and only, sexy, Viktor Krum.
I laughed out loud. And I clicked this story. It had me giggling all the way through. Your dialogue perfectly captured Ron and Hermione I thought. Oh! And THANK YOU for making Viktor sound like Viktor. All the stories I read with Viktor, the authors tend to make him speak good English.
I loved how Hermione was the one to freak out more than Ron! xD
With Rose's line "It makes you look so...rugged," did that come from Aladdin? I just heard Jasmine's voice when she's trying to seduce Jafar...okay, that just made me laugh thinking of Rose and Viktor in those positions.
Anyhoo, I thought this was a good lighthearted pickmeup after all this AP Language and Sociology homework. Thanks for the great laughs!
Kristen Report Review
Becca! I'm dreadfully sorry, dear for the terribly long wait! I know this must be the third time I've apologized, but I thought I'd have managed my real life better :(. Well, I'm here now!
Ah! Present tense AND second narration! Such a breath of fresh air! I think you captured the style quite well :) I felt very present in the story. May I inquire as to your decision in writing from a second person's narration? Is there a meaning of any kind behind it? I really do think that your use of second person gives your Tom/Minerva spice of originality from the rest of the pack ^_^.
Your description was also good...in parts you probably could have gone into it a bit more, like describing the setting of the third scene, to sort of allow the reader to be immersed in YOUR vision, you know? :) One thing I'd like to point out though is that from my perspective, I caught a little unwarranted repetition, like "chill your bones", even some of your syntax uses like "floating"...I just felt like I've only recently just read something similar. But it was only here and there that caught my eye, and it's just personal picking. Never fear! You are still a gifted writer! :D
To get back to the way you wrote this story, I just love some of the impact your sentences made. My favorite lines were the last lines of the first four sections. They just had such kapowness to them, especially after the long flowing sentences. I particularly loved the "There's something tragic of an angel with paper wings." line.
When it comes to characterization, I loved how you injected those bits that seemed to come straight from Minerva's mind, you could feel her personality pulsing through. I sort of wished you could have defined Tom's character a little more - like focus on a feature throughout the fic, like his hands or his eyes that keeps us in that thrall Minerva feels :). But his personality, I think you got him downpat. I could definitely see him studying Muggle wars.
Your pace, flow, and order was also very good. I loved that in the way you did the chronologically backwards method, that paper angel was sort of going back to being born, so to speak. Although in this regard, the mention fo the quill at the end seemed rather random, but nonetheless fitting for his Muggle disdain ^_^ I just wish I knew the significance compared with the paper angel.
Overall, Becca, I really enjoyed reading it! =D It's no wonder you're gifted!
KristenAuthor's Response: Well, I'M sorry for the ridiculously long time in replying. I've just been putting it off, because long reviews, such as yours, scare me :P. I don't know where to start replying!
Haha, I felt I needed a challenge ;). Second person wasn't for any particular reason, I just feel I've done third to death, and first didn't work very well with this story. Plus, second really makes it flow well, and I felt it would enable the reader to identify with Minerva.
Yeah, I've gone back and fleshed out some of the sections. I'm terrible for not going into enough detail. Haha, thanks for pointing that out :D. Aww, thanks lovely :D. I tried to make the beginning and ending of each section have a little more impact, just to make them individual sections.
Tom's lack of characterisation was deliberate, because it's told through Minerva, and she hasn't got to grips with his character either. What you read is how she sees him.
It's actually forwatd chronology now, and I think it works better this way.
Thanks dear! Haha, I don't think I deserve Gifted :P. Report Review
RITA! RITA! Hi :) I literally pounced on this as soon as I saw. And usually when one of my favorites gets updated, I tend to wait until I can sit back and relax with some cocoa (or in this case, Squirt) and read - but I just had to eat this up. I should be writing my 9/11 memoir but I just NEED to review this wonderful chapter.
And I want MORE! I love it! *hugs*
I still can't get over how BEAUTIFUL and classic your writing is. If it weren't for the Harry Potter bits, which, by the way - did I mention in my last review that I LOVED how subtlety you intertwined both the Muggle and the wizarding world? Well, I do :). But as I was saying before, if it weren't for the Harry Potter parts (and I'm just doing it because I don't know if JKR even allows Harry Potter-esque stuff to be published), I swear, you could get this published. Honest to goodness.
I loved all the insights to the characters. I felt like I could see just a smudge of Scarlett O'Hara in Marie-Cecile, which I adored. And I ADORED that I think I saw maybe a hint of the wonderful Mr. Knightley in Luc. When he's saying he's not a marrying man, that's what I immediately thought of xD I'm an English nerd! I'm sort of really hoping Luc and Elise end up together =D
And the history! Go Rita for incorporating French and English history! It made your fanfiction more authentic. But, I just have to point out, as a history geek, that England wasn't ruled by a Queen I think :(. It was either King George III or George IV, depending on your time period. Victoria was the next female ruler a few decades later, I believe, after the whole nasty situation with her family. I just thought I should point it out :)
And I'd also still watch out for your conventions too, my dear ^_^ just because only here and there I came across a 'he' when it should have been 'she' or 'off' instead of 'of'.
Your descriptions and spot on dialogue were amazing. I really liked the way you laced the fact that Elise is overwhelmed throughout her section. I could picture everything going on like if it was like a movie like 'Bright Star' or 'Gigi' even without the song and dance. And all the characters had very distinct voices in my head for me, even poor Guy de Rozette (whom I se being like Mr. Elton in the 2009 Emma.)
But really, this chapter was so close to perfection. It's been such a treat for me to read! Thank you for writing this you prodigious author! =D
KristenAuthor's Response: Kristen! Sorry for the late reply! Better late than never XD Thanks so much for being a tiger and pouncing on this as quickly as you did! Your review immediately put a smile on my face when I read it and I have since been struggling for the right words to respond it with >.< Unfortunately, I fail at responses so let's hope for the best and here goes!
Aw! Thank you loff! You're an angel for saying that! Like I told Rachel I've been re-reading Northanger Abbey (partly because of you) while writing this fic in the hopes that Jane Austen's awesomeness will rub off on me. I'm still hoping and my fingers are still crossed for that one! I love the language I'm picking up and I feel really happy writing in it :) I don't know why I didn't write in this period sooner!
Marie-Cecile as Scarlett! That is perhaps the biggest compliment you can give her! Honestly I love her character. She is just a scheming little firecracker and it's fun to enter her mindset. How she is the epitome of a gray area and how she thinks the world should be gray too! LOL! I think of Luc as a Henry Crawford...if Henry Crawford had redeeming qualities to him :) But in that sense, yes! Luc is definitely not a marrying man and it remains to be seen if his mother will force him to marry someone, he'll fall in love all on his own or he'll stay true to his word and seriously end up the grand bachelor in this whole scheme. I have actually thought of these three senarios for him and still don't know which one is the proper fit! Time will tell I guess!
OMG! As soon as I saw that Queen typo I edited it straight away! You are definitely right hun! It was ruled in a regency at that time as the Mad King George III was...well for lack of a better word...mad and his brother The Prince Regent (who would later be known as George IV) was ruling the empire. Thank you kindly for spotting that!
I swear I shall get a beta soon! The fine details and typos always escape me when editing!
I think everyone in the story tends to forget that Elise is little more than a teenager who skipped the whole interlude of being a girl and falling in love. Because of the revolution, she had to grow up quicker for the sake of her family and when that role ended, she had to be the sophisticated woman who was above girlish fits. Now for the first time, she's actually presented with the situation that most young women of the period find when they are fifteen or younger. Being admired by men, flirting etc. And it doesn't take much to overwhelm the girl who thought she had already grown up beyond what she'd actually missed out on :)
As for Guy de Rozette, I am holding my tongue on this one coz I haven't exactly decided whether or not he'll be a guest appearance or a series regular so to speak :)
Again, thanks so much for the awesome review! Happy you liked it and thank you for being the first to review the new chapter!
Gubby! This is Kristen from The Golden Snitches, here with your four-day wait review =D Time to get cracking, shall we? I just want you to know that what I say, I say with sincerity, and if I say anything that may offend you, I'm sorry :( I'm only trying to help, and it isn't my intention to hurt you ^_^.
Now, I have to tell you this Gubby, before I really get into the review. Gubby, you're a terrific writer.
And this, this was a great story.
Seriously. By the end of the second or third chapter, I found myself scrolling across to that trusty little handy dandy favourite button. I've read this twice in a row, and am still enraptured by it.
First, let me start with the language, the style of your writing. I was spellbound, amazed, insert jaw dropping adjective. I swear, the first thing I thought as I finished the first chapter, and still so after the conclusion of this chapter, was that it was so poetic! Your use of anaphora and other repetition, and just your use of writing techniques flowed beautifully like water. And the thing about it was that it was so bloody powerful! It had such a huge impact with me. I also greatly enjoyed your symbolism that you laced throughout the story so far; like with Bella ripping to shreds Sirius' white, delicate origami swan. And the irony! I loved how you called Narcissa a traitor for her looks, and we all know what happens later on :).
However, there were some points where your syntax and word order did get a little bit confusing and slightly carried away; I did have to read a few lines here and there over again to be like "Oh, okay, that's right." :( But never ever fear! It was a joy to read over; your writing is so sophisticated.
I think your plot is incredibly interesting with surrounding it around the death of a young man. In a strange way, the way things played out seemed to be like a movie - like perhaps Sam Mendes. I love how everybody's story intertwines with one another! Like Narcissa and Ted having their midnight fling, I would never have suspected Andromeda and Ted to be connected that way at all. I also just LOVELOVELOVE the way you make all this Black socializing and trickery a slippery game played by everyone. Obviously I know this story is still going like the energizer bunny (for which I am so glad!) but I hope you won't forget to tie together all the mysterious lines. What's with her clutching her empty necklace? Why is she so sick (although I'm sort of hoping she's not pregnant with Tonks, but it doesn't matter, because you'd make it NOT cliche)? Why does she want to join Alec in the abyss? I can't wait to read more amazing poetic, because it REALLY IS so lovelily poetic, words by you!
Onto the characters. Loved them to death...no pun intended. I just adore the way you characterized each and every one of them. I love how Narcissa is sweet and naive (is Ted using the poor girl? :o Bad Ted! xD) and Bellatrix feels the way she does, how she considers her sadism helpful, how she always wants to play her games. And Andromeda being Andromeda, you captured her just as I imagined her. And the Black brothers! How can I forget them? They were as well, spot on for me. I got to tell you, one character I particularly liked was actually Druella surprisingly. I loved the way you characterized her. In fact, the way you introduce her with her overpowering smells is one of my favorite lines in the entire story.
Ambrosia is one of my favorite foods. And "Ambrosia" the story has indeed stuck with me. I'm just curious, why call the story "Ambrosia"? Does this have anything to do with relating the Blacks as almost god-like (and ambrosia being the food of the gods)?
Please come back and request again. I love this story alot! I'll be sad when it ends. Really, good job.
KristenAuthor's Response: Good lord, this review. I'm so sorry I've taken all these long months to get to it, but it floored me then and it floors me now. Just... thank you, thank you so much. I can't express how much this review meant, and still does mean, to me. Thank you. Report Review
Anything I say in this review is my honest opinion. No bull whatsoever is laced in these words!
Rita, I love you. And if you write books professionally (which you SHOULD and you WILL on pain of alot of your readers going after you with ink and paper so you DO get published) you will, on the soul of Jane Austen, be VERY very veryveryvery successful. Any publishing company that does NOT accept you shall be the fool! Seriously.
Rita, I kid you not, this was bloody brilliant. And it's not just the fact that I was squeeing at the whole Austen/Bronte/Colette inspirations either. This was AMAZING. I swear to you, I have been waiting, no, DYING, to read something like this, and this blew away my expectations of an Austen-y/Brontesque Potter fic to Kingdom Come.
Let me first begin with your cast of characters. Every single one of them was so colorful and distinct! I could just SEE Madame Deuxmoulin being the gossiping wasp in Austen or a Bronte novel. You thew a fair few (somewhat complicated) names, but girl, I could put a face to every single one, each had a seperate voice. And I didn't get stuck with the names. That takes talent, Rita! *hug* Plus, I was so excited you used Felicity Jones (and Jonathan Rhys Meyers!) from Northanger Abbey. She was a great fit for Madeleine. I never heard of the man portrayed as Luc, but I pictured him as JJ Field...still, all very delightful!
I loved that you channeled Austen's wit in this! I literally laughed out loud. Like when you were describing poor Madeleine's mother. It was so subtle, but yet so hilarious! Is Rigfort not good? Because like any Austen triangle, there's always a blackhat or a cad.
I also thought your dialogue was very realistic for the time period. You got society's manners quite well so far! You said you never wrote a period like this - I say keep going! If you have trouble with social customs though, I have all these notes on Regency/Victorian social customs if you want to use them. They're more for England, but I'm sure France had similar rules. I doubt you'd have trouble, but if you want them, I can give you them ^_^
And your sentence structure! My god. It just flowed into every sentence so beautifully. And I especially loved how you have these medium-long sentences and then at the end it just got shorter and shorter. It made the ending powerful! I want to read more!!
Okay, now I LOVED this story, but you might want to look out for convention stuff. Like i noticed when it came to Madam Poisson, you had "that old, widow that she was..." there's an extra comma that doesn't need to be there. But other than that - GIVE ME MORE AWESOMENESS!
If TGS has awards, I think they do, but I'm not sure, I'll definitely will be voting for this.
Just one question: Is Elise an OC or was she really the founder of Beauxbatons? I hope that makes sense!
This was so original and so excellent! I can't wait to read on!
KristenAuthor's Response: KRISTEN! Thank you so much for this fabulous review! I hardly know what to say, but I know that thank you is so not enough at this point! I shall do my best to get published as not to incur your bubbling wrath XD
Ha! I am glad you like the characters :) I tried my best to make them as distinct as possible from one another, because I sure do know what it feels like to be lost in a book of a cast of thousands. I guess I learned that best from the recent books that I've read, namely Clash of Kings. Fantastic book by George R. R. Martin. A literal cast of thousands and I am interested in each and every one of them. To say that I've somehow mirrored that is an all too great compliment in itself!
JJ Field! Yum! Long live Henry DA MAN Tilney! Who said guys have to be ignorant about clothing? XD
I must say, Madame Poisson is a favorite of mine. I originally planned her to make just a small appearance, like one or two lines to mention her, but her view of everything and everyone was a nice frame. An overzealous woman who gave birth to a timid wallflower drooling over the first handsome man she sees was just too juicy of an ironic twist to ignore.
Haha! I am still undecided about Rigfort. To be quite honest, while writing this, I could be swayed either this way or that! Maybe he's a bit of both. A cad and an absolute noble gentleman. But which side of him will win? You'll just ahve to read and see.
Thank you so much for the offer of help! I must say, I need all of it that I can muster. I've been researching a lot and more will certainly help! I shall PM you if every a question does occur! Count on it XD
Bah, I am horrible at spotting out convention! I shall go over this again, not to worry, and perhaps will solicit the help of a beta when it's long enough. But thank you for pointing that out :) I need all the help I can get. Even Strunk and White can't knock it into my noggin XD
As for Elise being an OC, yes she is! I have no idea if there is an actual stated founder of Beauxbatons, but I figured there are too many Hogwarts founders stories in the world. Why not give Beauxbatons it's time in the sun :)
I am so glad you liked it and I look forward to seeing you in the future chapters! Once again, thank you for this amazing review Kristen!
ILY!!! Report Review
Hey, Mids! It's Kristen ^_^. How's it been going? Did you get my PM? (sorry if that was going too far, I just thought it would be cool to know what general area to look out for Mids in Real Life xD) Anyway, I saw this in the "New Story" thread and I was just like, "must read now!"
And so I did.
It was very, very well written with an enticing plotline. I can't get enough of the dark/horror stories that focus more on the psychology than the blood and gore. I just find those more frightening, and not to mention, dynamic. How many horror flicks that are drenched with blood and people's brains have that one black guy who goes out for a pee and never returns, or the blonde bimbo who asks "Who's there?" before getting ripped to pieces by an axe or chainsaw?
This story was wholly original, and it brought up alot of questions to me. Was Scorpius REALLY dead, or was Louis jusy psyching himself into thinking he was? Was there a face in the mirror or was Louis just plain crazy from the pressure he put on himself? I like how these questions are sort of left to the reader to interpret for themselves. I personally think Louis just had a few fries and his toy missing from his Happy Meal.
I thought it was interesting how the only dialogue was between Louis as the superego and Louis as the id fighting ownership over Louis' soul and the fragments of his sanity. It was all very paradoxical, how Louis kept trying make himself the good guy when in actuality he is also a black hat. Everybody else was mute. I think it added to the effect that this was ALL about Louis. Does that make sense?
I did notice a couple language cliches, though. In the one part you said "blanketed by dark clouds." It's not that big of a deal since it is really good, but I thought I'd just point that out. I think people fret too much about cliches; there should be an HPFF challenge where it makes you take a cliche and bend it to your will so it's original.
I'm so glad you wrote about Louis. I never see him here! It's always his sisters. What made you decide to do so? Plus, kudos on making him Hufflepuff. Yay for the Hufflepuffs! They need to have the spotlight too (as well as Ravenclaws) instead of being portrayed as their typical house qualities.
I can't wait to see what other stuff you'll come up with in the future, Mids, because if this is a sign of what's to come, I'll be pleasantly pleased ^_^.
Have a great day!
Kristen :)Author's Response: Hi, Kristen!
Thank you so much! I'm glad you picked this one up, so to speak. =)
I'm not a big horror fan. I actually just started watching scary movies, and I prefer the clean ones. I prefer psychological thrillers, so I guess that's what comes out in my writing.
I'm not answering those questions because the cliffhanger of the possible answers is what makes it scary, I think. =)
Yes, that makes sense, and I appreciate you pointing that out. I made sure that the focus was on Louis's fights with himself. Thank you =)
I've never written about Louis before so that was kind of fun. =) I don't know why. I needed someone that would seem vulnerable and young, someone who would fall prey to this sort of guilt.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your reviews, as always ^-^ Report Review
Hey, emmapotter. Kristen here! I'm on my Itouch safari, so you must forgive me if my review is a little bit shorter - new at typing and all :).
It's a sad Ron/Hermione :(
Your descriptions were nice, I especially liked the fourth paragraph. It was a nice little montage of all the innocent Ron/Hermione moments us shippers always liked to read over and over again. However, I would have liked to see more elaboration on some stuff, like what was Ron's job? Was he working in Sports? How was he distant from her? How would she get the suspicion he was cheating on her in the first place?
I liked how this showed Hermione's personality. You can tell she's a stubborn person, and not very open minded xD And it was all done subtlety, too. I mean, we the readers of "Harry Potter" know Ron to have good intentions, but he can be a fool. But he's Hermione's fool! Although why would Hermione be the one to be upset at Ron's working tendencies? I'd think the workaholic gene would be in Hermione, but that's just me :)
I liked how you had "knight in not so shiny armor," it was cute ^_^.
KristenAuthor's Response: Yeah, this song-fic is sort of an out-take of my other story, Journey of A Lifetime, but no excuses, I should have mentioned Ron's job. it adds to the description which you must've noticed, I suck at. XD
So anyway, you reviewed so fast! And glad you liked! I think Hermione didn't appreciate Ron's workaholic tendencies because she was too scared something might happen to him, since he's an Auror..Again, my bad. It's a loop hole in the plot! Thanks for pointing it out!:)
I don't know where 'Knight in not so shiny armour' came from, but it just did! :P
Ron is really a fool! I think we all agree, he is daft and completely thick! :D
And Ron isn't cheating on her! He's just ignoring her too much!
Anyway, I hope this cleared up most of the stuff! :)
Thanks for stopping by,
Aakanksha :) Report Review
Hey, Bibbs! It's Kristen :). I was so happy you requested me; thanks! :D Anyway, onto the review, eh?
Bibbs, I really enjoyed this. Alot. You're an incredibly gifted author, and I'm not just saying that because I can - I mean what I say. This was GOOD. And to be perfectly honest, I was one of those Harry Potter readers that when Sirius died (albeit, I knew before I started reading the series because my sister was a fan before me) I didn't shed a tear. In fact, even though I loved Harry gaining a father figure, Sirius was no great loss at all, not like Remus and Tonks - for whom I sobbed like Myrtle on a Monday for and FELT for poor Teddy and Andromeda at their loss (which made me cry even harder.) With this story, Sirius' emotions were so potent, I could feel them, and my love for the character grew a little more :)
Normally, I would say a bit of dialogue would help a story come to life, make the characters breathe, but I'm not going to say it this time because the whole gamut of emotions Sirius felt and your exquisite descriptions spoke for themselves, which few stories could pull off. And this did!
One thing (out of many) I particularly LOVED and that actually made me laugh on my first reading was when James and Sirius "get drunk off of firewhisky in his old flat, still smoke gillyweed when Lily’s not looking, just to stop themselves from falling apart." Now I don't really condone drug use and I'd never do drugs in a million years, but I loved your use of gillyweed - it was so creative! And I could picture them doing everything you described too, very in character.
And there's something about the writing style of this that was so poetically powerful and beautiful, honest to God. Before I continue, there is something I want to ask: why did you make your story/chapter title all in lower case letters? Was it for creative license? Anyway, yes, very well done. I think your use of the present tense increased the way your words have an impact on the reader. If it was written in the past tense, I really don't think it would have had the same effect. On top of that, there was a perfect smoothness to the way your long sentences went to the short ones, a perfect measure of power. Like "And still they do." BAM! "Remus and James. Remus and Harry." BAM! I hope this is making sense to you xD. Your use of anaphora and overall repetition were also brilliant; I thought it was really touching that you repeated the bit in the first paragraph to finish the story - it made for a strong ending. Imagery so vivid; yes, I stand by my previous point that you have a mastery with words, to twist them into so meaningful and heart wrenching.
Any criticisms? Honestly, I can't find anything, it's so damn good! Except maybe the one thing I'd probably change would be the very first sentence when you start of with "Memories are a wonderful thing..." the "a" is weak; if you eliminate it and just leave it as "Memories are wonderful things," not only is it congruent with the following sentences but it gives it more oomf.
Have you ever heard the song "Bookends" by Simon and Garfunkel? It sort of reminds me of this story.
Really, EXCELLENT job with this story! I am so glad you asked me to read this! =D
KristenAuthor's Response: When I requested a review, I definitely wasn't expecting to get one so long and wonderful! Thank you sooo much! I read it last night, but didn't have time to properly respond until this morning. I'm really pleased that this has made you consider Sirius a bit more fondly.
I enjoy dialogue a lot, but as this story was more about Sirius's current inner demon, I thought his thoughts would suffice. I'm glad you agree, and it is funny you say "gamut of emotions" - I really did have him all over the place! It is no wonder it was implied he was touched in the head.
I would imagine James and Sirius would smoke a little gillyweed, but wouldn't want Lily to know! I don't do drugs either and definitely don't think it's okay. I feel guilty writing such things, but I try to be realistic, and these are teenage boys living a stressful life, and hey, this is the 70s. I have seen a few others use gillyweed as a drug as well. Personally, I chose it only because it had 'weed' in the name. Even though we both look down on the drug thing, its wonderful to hear that you found these things in character.
As much as I would like to say that there was some deep, hidden reason for making the title lowercase, there is not. It was originally uppercase. For stylistic reasons, I made it all lowercase when doing the banner, but I ended up liking what this did - it seemed to add something, somehow, that I still don't grasp. So I came back and changed the title to lowercase. As for present tense, I absolutely adore it. I wish I could write everything in present tense, but after trial and error, have come to learn that sometimes it just works better in the past... But for what it works for, you are right - it always seems to have more impact.
The long/short sentences is quite a compliment! I don't think I've ever had anyone mention that before! I don't really know how to respond, because I am not sure how it happens - I just write, and this is how it comes out. I don't make a conscious effort towards it. It's a heck of a compliment, so thank you! And I was trying to think of a way to end the story. How do you think of an ending to a story like this, where you know James will never be back, but you still want to leave it on a bit of a happy note? Eventually I started thinking that perhaps I should saved my beginning paragraph for the end... and that's when the idea came to end it where it started. It ended up being better than I imagined - I think it's the perfect ending now. I'm thrilled it turned out this way, and every time somebody mentions it, I walk on clouds!
I think I will take you up on that suggestion, because when I read it over, you are definitely right. That one extra little word sort of takes away from it. I have not heard that song! Regardless, it's lovely to hear people can associate music to this.
Thank you so much for this incredible review - it is rare to get reviews like this one anymore, and I'm sure I'll be coming back to reread it many times. Report Review
Hi, emmapotter! It's me, Kristen again with your review. Aww, I just want to say that your review response made me so very happy that you were happy and that I got you smiling! Even though I said I didn't want to read Trio-at-Hogwarts stories (since their story has been chronicled by Rowling already) I got to say I love Ron/Hermione. Always have, always will (which that, and a few other key factors, is why I HATE Harmony so much.) But this was a cute little story ^_^.
The lyrics of the song fit the mood of the story very well, and vice versa.
Although I do have to say that I sort of thought that the voice you used as Hermione's was a bit...off, personally speaking :(. It sounded just a tad bit more like Lavender Brown or Padma Patil than Hermione. I mean, I perfectly get you were conveying she was a girl in love (hell, I'm a girl very much like Hermione in manner and tastes and I'd probably react the same way as you portrayed, so kudos on making it relatable!) but all the "really really really"s and "Today was definitely...will not believe what happened" and other colloquialisms just didn't strike me as something Hermione Granger would say. Perhaps if she was either more awe-struck and at a loss for words, it would sit more right. I've always sort of seen Hermione as a VERY smart girl, but when it comes to two things - sports and boys - she's clueless. I like how you had that element of confusion with Ron's signals though! It made it more real.
The flow was fine ^_^, nothing to worry about there - I liked how it was little scenes we Ron/Hermione shippers have come to love! But I would have liked to have seen her reaction to Viktor Krum, since he did ask her to the Ball and Ron didn't. It would have added another layer to her, I think :). There was one sentence you could have cut from the fiction though because it just seemed so out of place and a bit of a bump. The one where Hermione talks about how Harry has changed etc. etc.; Harry just sort of popped out of nowhere and didn't really come back afterwards, so to smooth things out I'd recommend just cutting that part out completely :D. Also, the "After the Attack" paragraph is very good but you have some conventional errors; whenever a new person speaks, they have their own paragraph. With everything pushed together, it sort of made the scene a little cluttered :).
This was a very nice little pick-me-up after working on Sociology papers and dramatic Coming of Age memoirs, thanks!
KristenAuthor's Response: Yes, when I wrote this, I was a Lavender Brown/Parvati Patil kind of girl, and re-reading, even I find it so not Hermione! But, when I get the time, I'll go back and change it! :)
Thanks for the crit! I'm in love with the way you review! It's so sweet! :) I'm requesting for another, right now, when I saw this review! :rollseyes:
I think I will add Krum's part though, he deserves that.he made Ron/Hermione more spicy! :P And more obvious too! :)
When I wrote this, about three years back, I think, I was very very young, about fourteen, and I honestly had no clue what I was doing, so this has got to be one of my worse ones! :-| I wil work on the little details you pointed out though! Thanks for that!
Glad yo could find time to give such a detailed review! I love it when people do that!
Aakanksha Report Review
Hi! This is Kristen with the review you requested ^_^ I hope you've had a nice day so far!
First, I got to say I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that you did something so different compared to most fanfictions here at HPFF. There was no Hogwarts, no British accents (which are awesome by the way) but it was a take on the American wizarding world! It's so nice to read something set in a different culture other than British. It was fresh :) So kudos on the originality factor! Just curious, what made you want to set your story in America?
You have a grammar mistake in your story title; you have "powerfully" instead of just "powerful" :) Just thought I'd let you know. I'd also say that, personally, your story summary was a little bit confusing because of the incomplete, choppy sentences...but that's just me. Are you going to request for a banner? Banners catch people's eyes, I know for me, and for alot of others, seeing a banner could draw you into the story :). I hope you're not offended! :( It's not my intention.
I thought your second chapter was better than your prologue, your descriptions in it started to actually show the scene being played out instead of it being told to us. I think that's why I just had a wee bit trouble going through the prologue because things were more or less being told rather than shown. Like maybe instead of having that interview with Susan, Dan, Matt, and Derick you could have shown some elements to it, like her hair color changing. Or Steven - how can us readers tell everyone doesn't like him? I'd also would have liked to have seen more character description - I don't even really know what Dan, Matt, and Derrick look like, and it would have helped putting names to faces, in my opinion ^_^. Things like that :).
Characters speaking, I like how all the main characters you showed (Susan, Dan, Matt, Steven etc.) had personality. But, I have to admit, I think you introduced us to too many characters up front. I had a bit of reader's whiplash when all the family members kept popping up and it was just hard to keep track of who was who and who was with who. It's probably because of the lack of character description, but I figured it couldn't hurt to put that out there ^_-. With Dan, I kind of thought he was being a little insensitive with Steven; yeah, Steve may be a brat, but he had a troubled life. He's not used to magic and growing up in a religious household, as you said, sort of solidified his handicap at understanding magic. I actually really liked how Matt and his twin smoked! Yes, smoking is bad, and I'd never do it in a million years - but it's nice to see adults who do do that. It made them human.
This is going to sound pretty random, but was Alvitre and co. based of the Joker and his minions? For some reason as I was picturing this Alvitre being paranoid I kept thinking of Heath Ledger in Joker attire, laughing "Why so serious?" :P Weird, I know, but I had to ask!
I'd say go through and comb out some of the convention mistakes; I saw like in the first chapter you had "Dan looked at little spacey" and in the second, one paragraph breaks off mid sentence - there were a few instances where "(no comma" came up, which sort of interrupted the smooth flow of the story :).
Your writing though I'd say is very good, it sort of had an air of Stephen King (the stuff by King I did read, I love him, but haven't had a chance ot read alot.) I was pleasantly surprised with this sotry :D
Good job writing 4000+ word chapters, by the way! I can tell you planned things carefully.
Kristen Report Review
Holy Hot Tamales! By the way, this is Kristen from the forums ^_^
But seriously. OH MY GOODNESS!
I really enjoyed reading this story, WeasleyTwins. But before I go on I would like to point out the one thing that was less-than-marvelous. And that is the fact that weren't Lorcan and Lysander twin brothers? In the story, you described Lorcan as darker and Lysander lighter, how love is not for 16 year old boys (although, perhaps this was just Lysander's superciliousness talking?) Anyway, I just thought I'd let you know :)
Now onto the rest!
GREAT job, Shelby (is it okay if I call you Shelby?)! I mean it. Truly, this is phenomenal on so many levels. One thing I absolutely LOVED was how Shakespearean the whole story was. It was like Lysander from "A Midsummer Night's Dream" was transported into this story but got a good dose of Claudius ("Hamlet") evilness...if that makes sense. A brother killing the weaker one for the love for a woman - it definitely has that Shakespearean aura about it =D especially in the beginning you have that line that reflects Hamlet: it is not to be running, running, running it is to be. Did you have that in mind as you were writing this?
Your writing is so poetic, and honest to God, you would do very well in the writing world (if you want to do it for a salary.) The anaphoras you used to talk about love was so powerful - it reminded me of Tim O'Brien's "The Things They Carried" (you should read it!) when he's like "War is nasty; war is fun. War makes you a man; war makes you dead." Really, great job. That whole paragraph are my favorite lines in the entire story.
You kept the identity of Lysander a perfect mystery until the end - the story was not confusing because of the ghost narrator at all. And finally realizing that this WAS Lysander at the end created more of a shock, the realization how WRONG and TWISTED this person really is.
Amazing. Haunting. Different. Original. Powerful.
KristenAuthor's Response: Hello Kristen! Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
Oh, yes, this has confused more than one person. Both boys are sixteen, but with Lysander's personality, I believed that the age comment would add to his...spice. I am sorry for this misunderstanding! I hope that clears things up a tad bit for you!
Of course you may call me Shelby if I may call you Kristen, that is. In all honesty, I had no thought of Hamlet in mind as I was writing this. But now that you have mentioned it, I will just have to reread Hamlet! Thank you for the compliments, my, my, they are too much!
Thank you so much! I would love to be a full-time author, but that doesn't pay the bills these days. So, I've decided to become a high school English teacher and write during the summers. Wow, Tim O'Brien sounds fantastic. Thank you for recommending him/comparing my writing to his! I do hope you enjoyed my style. I've only been writing for two years and I still feel that I have a great deal to learn before I can step into the world of writing as a career.
I would like to say thank you once again for the fantastic review. It is reviewers like you who really make my little writings worth all the effort. Thank you (I cannot say it enough!) :]]] Report Review
Hey! It's me, Kristen with your review that you requested today ^_^. I thought your story was very funny! James has such a dry sense of humor (I think being sardonic is the funniest type, don't you agree?) I laughed alot reading this.
But at the same time the whole story was kind of a little like a whirlwind - so much was happening that it got slightly confusing, and then some parts weren't answered at all. I had to reread parts to finally get that eureka moment, such as the wedding. First he falls in love with her walking down the aisle but then he sort of contradicts himself by saying he started getting hot for her when she was in a dress fitting. Also, Marietta. He goes on about he loves her but he keeps thinking about Avery...I personally think you cut Marietta's scene just a bit short, there wasn't really enough to give us readers clues whether if James did break up with her or if he's being a typical berk.
Your characterizations were great! As I said before, I love James' sardonic tone. Plus, your sense of his voice was very captivating. And I really like how Avery has some spunk. I feel bad for Marietta though.
When I was reading this I saw that you're a big fan of the parentheses :) I like them too, plus parentheses help bring more impact to humor. However at points, the things in parentheses were admittedly unnecessary. For instance, we know that is Fred II and James I was James II's grandad because both namesakes are dead. Not to mention sometimes where they were placed sort of disrupted the narrative.
Your dialogue was also nice. It didn't sound forced or unnatural. But I don't think British people would use a phrase like 'bro' though...that sounds distinctly American to me :( But other than the bro, your dialogue was good.
I came out of the one shot as thinking his 'love' for Avery was just merely lust; he being a Casanova and all. Was that what were trying to go for?
Overall, nice job. It was a breath of fresh air!
KristenAuthor's Response: SQUEAL!
Wow! That was such a great review and you've made my day! And I just got up too! *does happy dance*
Um, yeah, about the love-her-when-she's-walking-down-the-aisle-but-not-before-he-fell-in-love-with-her-at-the-fitting, confusion. Oh my, I think I'm going to have to go and change it later to make it a tad clearer yeah? :)
Yeah, the 'bro' part, I've got it edited in the beta-d version which is on its way! I really wasn't thinking clearly when I did that, obviously, since I know that Britishers don't say 'bro'. *shakes head*
In my beta-d version, no parenthesis, I think they made this one-shot a bit more confusing, and plus most of the stuff in parentheses wasn't required anyway, like the Fred II and James II parts! :)
Dialogue! Yes! it worked! I've been working on natural dialogue for so long, because most of the time my written dialogue isn't natural at all! But I guess the research (pffft, yeah sure. More like bugging my friends about it every two second) :P
James..well James is a tough character to handle but I write him so much better than his dad, Harry. They're so alike yet I write James better, I wonder why?
Love or lust, that is the question.
Yup, that was it, I guess, but he could love her too! I never really figured James out fully, so, yeah! :)
Thatnks for such an awesome review! I'm going to go and squee about it for the whole! And thanks for making my day! :)
P.S: James is slightly like me, I'm very sarcastic all the time and Avery (Emma in the beta-d version, Another fic had similar characters) well she's a bit of me and bits of all my best friends too! :) Just to make things cear, I'm a girl so James is like me only for the sarci part. :)
Whoa! Long P.S! :P Report Review
Hi there! It's Kristen from the forums :). I just want to say thank you so much for wanting me to review your story! It made me happy ^_^ Anyway, I'm here with your review.
What was the point of the challenge? While "Romeo and Juliet" is not one of my favorite Shakespearean plays (well, when I was younger it was, but then I sobered up on the whole Romeo and Juliet being idiots, dying for puppy love...but its still a good play, I love both movies too) I think you incorporated the elements of the play nicely. When Danny was saying "Oh, let's crash the Slytherin party," I was just like "MERCUTIO!" Mercutio (and Tybalt) are two of my favorite Shakespearean men. Was Albus supposed to be the Benvolio character?
The names Carnelian and Alizaran, to be honest, did not sit right with me, I'm sorry :(. They were a bit too outlandish for me, and a bit hard to pronounce. If she's going to be called Carrie for pretty much the whole fic (except when being teased) I would suggest introducing her as Carrie and then when her brother pokes fun at her name introduce her full name and why she doesn't like it. It would make things easier to understand and more straightened out so it doesn't necessarily quite seem like we're jumping back and forth ^_^.
Your dialogue is very natural, I could hear all the characters' voices - especially in the end sequence there when the mysterious lover (Is he supposed to be unnamed? Because there wasn't a name dropped anywhere, nor any descriptions of what he looked like to hint to the reader who Mystery Man is) says "Oh no 'thanks for saving me'?" The banter between the two was very good.
You might want to work on refining your descriptions more ^_^ Without any clear, defining ones, the chapter sort of blurred together in many spaces - particularly when James tried to break up the fight and when he returned with McGonagall. Fleshing out your descriptions, showing what exactly your characters look like, how they speak, their manners, actions could set up a clear picture in your reader's head instead of an unfinished and murky watercolor :/.
Watch out for when switching into point of views or scenes. I noticed whilst reading that one moment it went from James talking to Danny and then running toward the fray and then Carrie was doing the exact same thing without any break in the pages or anything...which slightly gave me reader's whiplash. If you're showing one scene, you don't have to repeat from the opposite character's perspective :) The scene may work better possibly if you just had James' scene and then he saw Carrie running toward her brother and so on or so forth, or make lines to define the change.
There really was no cliche-ness that I could detect. But then again, you're talking to a Next Generation novice :P I liked how Albus was starting a fight! :D He seemed so bookish in the epilogue, yay for him doing something like fighting!
Maybe it was the slight lack of description but your pacing of the story, in my opinion, was just a wee bit choppy. One moment BAM! Stacey pops up then BAM! there's a fight then BAM! McGonagall shows up then BAM! Carrie runs into her lover. But I wouldn't worry about this so much :). It could probably be easily fixed with more description!
Your characterization is also pretty good. I like how Carrie isn't like the naive little flower Juliet was; she's got gumption! And isn't afraid to speak her mind. Same with James - he doesn't seem so desperately hung up on this Stacey girl as Romeo was with Rosaline. You can tell this story is based off of "Romeo and Juliet" but you also make it your own. I hope they won't kill themselves!
Good job! Keep on writing, and congratulations on getting this published! It's such a high, yes? :D
KristenAuthor's Response: wow, very long review!!!
The point of the challenge was to take a plot line that has been made quite cliche in fan fiction and try to make it less cliched - the one I received was a Romeo/Juliet type romance. As far as the characters go, I'm not going to stick too strictly to Shakespeare's characters, so although I won't say who's who,you're welcone to speculate!!! :P
I guess I understand what you mean about the names - I just wanted to have the full names there because they are two different shades of read, so I thought the slight sort of irony of that (seeing as they're in Slytherin, but their names mean the colour of their enemy house)... although in hindsight I could have used them at a later date!
Yeah, the mystery man is supposed to stay mystery man for the moment (especially as I am yet to decide on who he is... I need to decide before I put up the next chapter - at the moment whenever I mention his name it just says 'Mystery Man'!!!) I was trying to make that dialogue work, as most of this chapter isn't dialogue - & the oter sections of dialogue are really short (& I don't think quite as developed)
Yeah I know about the description thing... occasionally I just totally forget about description, which is pretty bad :/ But I'll work on that, thanks for pointing it out!!
Oh, whoops about that change of perspective - I thought I had put a break in, but all of them pretty much disappeared when I transferred it from word to this, so I will try to make that work more - I was trying to keep the sections short, but then I needed them to be long enough... & I guess I should probably go back over it and try to make it flow more...
thanks again for the review,
Jen x Report Review
Hi, Evanlyn! How are you? You must forgive me if my review is not as long as you expected, I'm on my Itouch (my dad is hogging the desktop once more) and I'm not yet used to the keyboard on this small screen.
I'll be perfectly honest - I thought this was an adorable story =D. It's not very often where you can find a HPFF fanfiction that captures JK Rowling's version of life in the wizarding world, channels the feelings we had when we all read the books. I think you did that nicely ^_^
Unfortunately, you had a few canonical errors that caused bumps in the reading (for me, at least.) Like, Teddy passing Dumbledore's tomb. Now I really could be mistaken, but I thought his grave was buried in the lake...either way it was secluded. I understand if it was to show respect to the greatness of Dumbledore, but it just seems like a desecration...I don't know if Dumbledore wouldn't mind having his tomb on display. That's just me though :). Also, I think in an interview with JKR, she said that Lupin didn't have to worry for his son as he didn't get harmed by his wolfiness. But since Teddy having werewolf-like characteristics is the whole essence of your story, I think you did THIS very realistically. I like how he can smell blood :P
Your dialogue is also great! I found it very easy on the ears, and it all seemed like what people would say in actuality. I also thought it was very creative of you to incorporate Blood Lilies and Fleshbanes - they seem like Harry Potter creatures! But I do have to say that in the first chapter when Teddy calls Susan Bones 'Suzy' to be a little off. Does he know her on a close basis? It just seems a little unprofessional...I know if I called my Literary Club adviser 'Jill' instead of Miss Morgan, I'd be so embarrassed!
While your descriptions were nice, I don't think it would hurt to flesh them out - to help show and not tell in parts. Draw us in to how things look, feel, sound, touch. What did the Memorial Stone look like? How do your characters say things? Things like that :) but good job with the descriptions anyways. I loved the line where you talked about how he hated how his heroic parents were reduced to etchings on a wall.
In my review thread you asked if it has potential and if its going anywhere? Definitely, yes. Keep on going!
KristenAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing!! I thought Dumbledore's tomb was there, maybe not out on display but you could go and see it at least because in Deathly Hallows Voldemorts opens it. Ans my reason for Teddy calling her Suzie was to try and show that he has been to the hospital wing loads of times. I really appreciate you bringing them to my attention though I'll see what I can do.
Thanks, I am going to add more chapters but it's definetly going to be a short easy read nothing epic lol.
Evanlyn Report Review
MIDS! It's great to hear from you again! I've been so busy with school and everything (good busy, not bad busy - yes, I am a Ravenclaw for a reason xD) How are you?
This was interesting. You were right, I did like it. Alot.
Petunia and Severus...very unusual I must say, but then, I love unusual. What made you choose this pairing? I would like to point out though that in "Order of the Phoenix" I believe, Petunia remembers the Dementors because she heard Severus tell Lily...and if I remember, she was rather abhorred by his memory (and when she first meets him at the playground she freaked out). It's not a criticism or anything, since I'd take it as maybe Petunia was disgusted or embarrassed that she ever desired someone such as Severus. I just thought I'd point those things out. The way you set up her relationship to him was very realistic and relatable. I have my own flaws, like having cerebral palsy (on top of having brown eyes :P) so it was very easy to step into Petunia's shoes.
Speaking of Petunia, I think her voice is very strong in this piece, which is reinforced by the short sentences going into the long ones. But I don't think Petunia would be the sort to call Severus by a nickname like 'Sev'. Any nickname, really. She seems too formal and uptight; I would be shocked if she ever called Vernon "Vern."
The way you describe things are great. and the thing that tops this off is that, the way you describe things seem uniquely different than most writers here at HPFF. It's simple and clear but really deep. Your final line was beautiful, stark and symbolic. It perfectly showed the essence of Snape and Lily's relationship.
And praise you for your characterization of Lily! Hallelujah! Okay, I probably shouldn't be half so excited but I'm so pleased you took Lily and basically ripped out her innards for what they really are. I'm one of those readers who don't like Lily much at all xD I don't think she was a TRULY good soul as everyone raved about after her death. I just love the part where Petunia describes her as a black widow. How she is more like a Venus Flytrap than a Lily. It's a beautiful contrast between the green beauty and black terror. What do you think about Lily? Do you think Severus was not smart to love her?
I'm sure you got this alot in your other reviews, but I really liked how you twisted the whole "different is great!" notion and showed that being one of the many can be good possibly. How being different maybe weird or strange like the eyes of animals staring at you at night as you drive down empty farm roads. "But it’s another thing to look at someone average – really look at them – and see something even more special." It's so true! Looks fade with time and age, but what is on the inside, at its very core, never really change. I think the inside matters more than what is on the outside.
Very good piece. You should have more stream of conscious sessions :)
KristenAuthor's Response: There is no excuse for the lateness of this response, but I really do appreciate your review ^-^
I have always sort of thought that Petunia and Severus would be good together. I always pictured their relationship like this - Petunia pining over him but he is too busy focusing on Lily.
That's a good point. She probably wouldn't call him Sev. I'll keep that in mind for the future. Thanks =)
Thank you =) I've been working on saying exactly what I mean in the simplest way possible, and this story is a result of that experimentation. I'm glad to see it's working!
Haha, I'm glad I'm not alone! I didn't see her as a goddess of any kind in the series. I wasn't totally taken with her, you know? I wanted to explore some of her darker sides too, and I figured Petunia would be the perfect medium.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review ^-^ Report Review
Hey, Marina!! *hugs* So you want to know what I think, huh? :P
Your descriptions are damn beautiful, and that ethereal beauty about them is strengthened by the use of the present tense. You said you were afraid you rambled on in the description. The truth? Well, yes, just a little bit. I understand completely if you were trying to capture the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that stampeded Rose, but I have to admit, there were points where I kept getting out of focus with the story. Not to mention, your very first sentence...well, I don't want to say overdone because it's a beautiful, poetic way of saying she was getting drunk...at least that's what I'm assuming. And that is the problem for me at least - I can only suspect she was getting drunk. And, to be honest, I had a little reader's whiplash when I was reading that they were kissing and then BAM he forgot who he was doing the horizontal bop with. So watch for pace?
If you decide to edit this story, perhaps you should talk about what Rose and Teddy look like (well, I was just picturing Katy Perry and James MacAvoy...random, yes, but it would be nice to know what they look like) and moreover, go into TEDDY'S emotions a bit deeper. The story is in third person and I noticed you dipped into him a little bit near the end, but WHY did he do it? WHAT was he feeling with Rose? I think that would make the story stronger.
As for dialogue, I do think more wouldn't hurt. Because those two little pieces of dialogue spoken by Teddy seemed to drown in the ocean of (very beautiful) description. Have Rose speak, even if she's tongue tied. Dialogue makes a character breathe. Maybe using flashbacks would help. Like, when Rose is thinking of Hermione's and Victoire's reactions or how she always lusted after Teddy, show it. What made her fall in lust with him? Does she have a history of this that angers Hermione, makes Victoire jealous and protective? By the way, is Rose a Slytherin?
I LOVED how you interweave how the stars would be the only ones to bear witness to their sin. Those were my personal favorite lines. Where did you get the idea to do that?
I thought your characterization was fine, just a little fleshing out I think is all those two lustbirds need and you're golden ;)
You're an amazing writer, Marina!
KristenAuthor's Response: Hi Kristen :D
I must admit, I do love the present tense. Everything just seems to come more naturally that way. I was indeed worrying about rambling, so thank you very much for pinpointing where I need to watch out for it - I dont think capturing the whirlwind, as you put it, could work if you're getting out of focus with the story. I really want to keep the reader hooked so I'll be sure to go over it again and check out which bits need pruning and improving.
I think the problem was I hadnt decided whether Rose was drunk or not - I think I was leaning towards the more on the confident side of drunk rather than out of control. I'll be sure to clear that up and work on that opening sentence too! And as for pace, I have to agree with you. I was scared of that bit because, again, I was sure how they'd interact. So a bit of chicken on my part! Also... horizontal bop? I LOVE that phrase, it seriously made me laugh! I'll be adopting it from now on :D Anyway, will work on the pace and maybe use that point to flesh out their characters and history a bit more. And as for description of the characters themselves, I deliberately left out their descriptions because a) it was dark and b) I wanted things to happen fast and I'm not sure whether Rose would have noticed these things in the heat of the moment. Again, I'll go over it and check that that comes across a bit better.
The line about stars - I dont actually know where I got the idea from. Probably because it was night, and stars come out at night. So... nope, that doesn't explain it, but I can't think of anything else!
thanks so much for taking the time to review for me, Kristen - I really really appreciate it! Report Review
ROMINA!! Hi :) It's Kristen! I don't know if this review will be as long as some of my others because my dad has been claiming to get on this computer for the past twenty minutes. Nonetheless, I will not be deterred from what I have to say about your story ^_^
You are a great writer. I mean it. If you write professionally, you are sure to do quite well, I think. Your story enveloped me in its smoothness, taking me from sentence to sentence until I was set on my feet at the end there. Moreover, I REALLY like how this is a Percy/Audrey story...it's so very nice reading something new. And the way you set it up! I liked how you clarified it as his story or her story.
I don't know...there was just something about the language and style you chose that made "I and Love and You" seem like one of those classic stories you read on a cold winter's evening by the fireplace.
I do have to admit though, there WERE some things I thought were off. Like for instance, I noticed (and this is going to sound nitpicky, but I'm trying to be thorough here) you have a little repetition (both the good and meh kind.) I liked how you started both their stories with the same sentence of not expecting to fall in love. It sort of fits them, don't you think? It's short and to the point, clear as day...not really buried beneath flowery descriptions. Anyway, sorry for the ramble there, there was some meh repetition scattered in the sotry. Like I particularly noticed you used "across the threshold" or something to that effect, twice in close proximity.
Not to mention, there seemed to be some loose ends still...loose by the conclusion of the story. Like how did Mr. Forrester die? Was he muggle? What about George, why wasn't he ready for big crowds? If there was a problem (like depression or alcohol) wouldn't Percy have SOME clue? Do Audrey and Percy ever tell each other that they love one another? That ending sort of made it murky, for me personally, or do they just never admit that this love was life changing?
But that's just my opinion. I tend to think deeply...maybe sometimes too deeply.
Your dialogue is very realistic, as well as the insights to life. I found Audrey particularly relatable because I've had to lie to get away from unwanted suitors (creepers actually) so in that regard, I sort of been in her situation. I thought your quip about dating (the third paragraph) was so funny! Because its true. That was my favorite bit.
Great job!! Its nice to see you again!
KristenAuthor's Response: Hey, Kristen! I was very happy to see that you were offering reviews, because you're always incredibly thorough. And don't worry about the length of this; I totally understand when someone wants the computer and what that can do to you.
Anyway, first of all, thank you so much. Writing professionally is my dream, and hearing that I can do well just warms my heart. Makes me want to achieve this dream (even if it's a long shot sometimes). I'm very happy you liked the writing, as well as the ship - writing this was new to me too, the set-up, the characterizations, and I just loved it, so I'm glad you liked it too.
As for your thoughts on the weaknesses of this story, well, I now exactly what you mean. I've been told that I sometimes am very inconsistent in my writing and the plots I create. I like to be ambiguous about certain things, but I realize that, while some things are better left unwritten, some aren't. And I'm also aware that I tend to be repetitive, and I will keep both those things in mind when I write next time.
As for your last question (the other ones I really can't answer because I haven't thought them through), about their love, I think at first they never admitted that their love was life changing, but they did share their feelings with one another, or at least when the time came.
And I'm happy you liked my take on dating - I needed to vent =P
All in all, thank you so, so much for this amazing review. Report Review
Hey there! It's Kristen here with your review :).
Do you want the sweet or the sour first? Well, I feel things go better if they end on a good note, so I'll tell you what I personally thought you could improve on. It's just that - my personal opinion, please don't take any offense :) I'm only trying to help!
I congratulate you on trying to write in a stream of consciousness, but at points the images you were trying to create in my head got very muddled. One such point was here:
"Throughout everything, all the woes and trials Draco—trials! Isn’t that a way to put it?—put Harry through, he still tried to save him."
Be descriptive, try playing on your reader's emotions. Have you ever read "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien? It is a VERY good and powerful book on being soldiers in Vietnam. It sweeps you into an ocean of emotions, the reality of war and death. I strongly recommend it if you ever see it at your bookstore. Anyway, with "The Things They Carried," the author writes in the moment, ensnares you into the overwhelming feelings a soldier feels a the brink of death. Yet he does it with such clarity that makes the book all the more powerful.
I wish you could have been perhaps a little bit more descriptive with Pansy, perhaps given her more defining characteristics and movements. Also, Pansy is dying. And dying pretty quickly, from what I got in the story. I didn't see anything really WRONG with it, but I just personally thought it was a tad unrealistic that she could go on speaking like that. If a rock was crushing me and I knew I was dying, I would either be saying few words (words take breath, like when Hamlet dies, he says "the rest is silence," the two syllable word of 'silence' took energy and then he died) or I would be trying to spew out as much as I could in one breath. I like that you enforced that her voice was quiet, and the other effects of dying such as coughing blood, but I never really fully got the blow that Pansy is DYING (a rather horrible death too), rasping breaths and whimpers and all. I hope that came out right!
Watch out for typos, I noticed that Pansy tells Draco how she wanted to help him with coping with the task, she says "go it" instead of "do it." Just a nitpicky comment, but I thought you'd like to know :).
Okay! Now onto the sweet stuff!
I loved your sentence structure, and how each sentence flowed. The long ones into short and vice versa. It had a very nice effect, and it sort of measured how Draco's mind was in a mess.
My favorite lines were:
"He could see her, smiling smugly and waving as she passed him, eyes bright. As though he deserved death, or something. Maybe he did."
"His place was next to his father—at the Dark Lord’s feet. How pitiful. "
I think you captured the essence of Draco quite nicely. The brief flashes of bitterness, the fear that showered over him; I'm glad he wasn't typical fanfiction Draco. I liked how he said he loved her after she was dead. I love happy/bittersweet endings, but I think if he actually told her he loved her when she was still alive, it would sort of came off as cheesy. I enjoyed the way you did it - especially when he repeated her name in denial.
Just one question - if you were writing a fanfiction where their roles were reversed, do oyu think Pansy would have done the same for Draco as Draco did for her/ Or was his assumptions the truth?
Overall, I liked this story :). Thanks for requesting!
KristenAuthor's Response: Kristen! Aw. It sucks. I typed it up I swear. Okay, it's been completely edited thanks mostly to your input (and read through several times for typos), but I responded before I edited . . .
Anyways, it's okay. I'll take each paragraph in stride . . . I understand that line could be confusing. I was writing from . . . a stream of consciousness that is rather screwed up. It was stylized off of The Things They Carried (was reading that at the time, oddly enough), and then when I finished this I was reading Heart of Darkness by Conrad. yeah. Those don't mix well. So in the edit I went back, after reading As I Lay Dying again, and made it more . . . streamy.
But yeah, those typos are incredibly embarrassing. Oi. I do feel a tingle of 'oh no . . . I did that?' every time I read this and saw those mistakes.
I'm actually surprised you thought O'Brien's book was powerful. Grand book, but the main point of that books is not it's story telling, but the way he plays with the reader's mind. Is this a biography? Isn't it? He said it was, then said it wasn't? Was the whole last chapter about death . . . what was that? You know? But I guess you could make the argument it was powerful at time. That star-shaped hole . . . yeah, I have to agree with you. And it was so believable! Ahh, getting off track . . .
I hope with the edit I made Pansy less stoic, and I think I did. Rereading she does come as more an object than a person.
Thank you for the compliments, too. I'm glad you did like it overall. Now onto that question. I don't think I can answer that question. I mean, it's arguable both ways, and just . . . Pansy's character is so vague. I mean. If I had to choose one or the other, I'd think Draco was right. She'd pass on by, sticking her tongue out and laughing as she cursed a Muggle born (dramatization).
Anyways, I'm SO sorry for taking so long with the reply. Like I said. I did reply! Oh well, I hope this was all right, and thank you very much for reviewing my one-shot!
Jackson Report Review
This. Was. Unbelievable.
I loved it!
I mean WOW. Words cannot express how much this resonates with me. Your words were so powerful. I think anyone who doesn't feel anything when they read this, has a hairy heart. I mean, the way you wrote it was like BAM! You cut open Snape and I could feel and relate to him wholly and completely, the words were so poignant. I also felt as if the way this was written was like a 500 word poem, it flowed so effortlessly. This is a perfect example of great things coming in itsy bitsy packages.
May I ask why did you decide to write this pairing? Snape and Lily, as tragic as it was, was so romantic. His unrequited love for her is like something out of a Bronte novel, or like Colonel Brandon in "Sense and Sensibility" (except Snape doesn't fall in love again.)
But yeah. I also love the WAY you wrote this piece. I will never forget when my teacher for Honours English corrected my essay for this book we had to read, "Anthem" by Ayn Rand. He said that using the present tense and creating stronger verbs (like "walks" instead of "is walking") is the most powerful way to write. And "Blindness" showed it. I think if it was written in any other way, it would lose some of its oomf!.
I loved how the only physical description that stands out for Lily are her eyes, which probably was intentional, right? Also, the way Snape's hair stood out for him. Like the hair was a symbol for a mask or even blindness.
The thing that caught my attention as well was how Lily's name is repeated several times throughout the fic, even Sirius and James are mentioned. Not Snape though. It was like it was another symbol of how Snape has no identity with Lily, or importance should I say and that Lily, James, and Sirius all stand out in Snape's life. Oh, I hope that made sense! It's the English nerd in me. If it does, were you thinking about that as you were writing this?
My favorite quote in this would probably be "He is beside her, the always friend. Through thick and thin. Nothing can ever come between them." That line was just so poetic. I loved how you played with the words to sort of make it like that. I also greatly enjoyed the light/darkness analogies - it goes to show how much Lily meant to him.
I guess that's it! I've already nominated in Best Oneshot but I definitely think I'll nominate this for Best Marauders or some other open category. This wholeheartedly deserves it. You are an AMAZING author Susan!
I'm giving this an honest 10/10. And of course, this went immediately into my favorites. Great stuff!
KristenAuthor's Response: You know what you were saying on the forums about reviews you didn't know how to reply to? Well, you made one right here. It's longer than the story itself (which amuses me to no end, sorry). It's really awesome that you liked this story so much, and I appreciate you taking the time to write this review. As I told you, it did make my day and now I'm failing to come up with a decent response.
Snape and Colonel Brandon are surprisingly similar, wow. I never noticed that until now. Haha, I wonder if JKR did that on purpose, knowing that Rickman had played both. It's a long-shot, but I like that connection in regard to this ship. Snape doesn't find that other person, and because of that, he's wholly and obsessively loyal to Lily's memory. It helps that Lily is without flaw, though she does leave him for someone else, like Eliza. But I'm getting too deep into that connection and it's distracting me from your review.
Changing to the present tense only happened because I needed to decrease the word count by a bit. The present tense ended up making the story better stylistically, a little smoother in flow and more immediate in nature. Like you said, it didn't have enough of an impact in the past tense. Strange how the need for fewer words can change everything!
Lily's eyes are a huge deal in the series, as they're the same as Harry's, but that last scene with Snape has really stuck with me since first reading it. It's haunting how desperately he wanted to look into Lily's eyes that one last time. Then there's the way that Lily treated Snape (it bothered me how easily she dropped him, among other things), and it seemed right that being ignored for him was similar to a sort of blindness on her part. So that's why sight and a lack of sight became such a significant image, and I'm glad it came through as such a persistent image. It's all about perception (something I often write about, strangely enough).
Snape having no identity without Lily, now that's a very interesting idea. It works, especially with "The Prince's Tale" chapter, Snape being unable to let her memory go, even once she'd cast him aside. In this story he only mentions James and Sirius in relation to Lily; they're watching her and Snape's watching all three of them. He might not have ended up having such a rivalry with James if not for Lily, so you're totally right. I didn't think of it that way, but Snape does relate everything to her, both in this story and later in DH. It's amazing how deeply in love with her he must have been to lose himself in her memory.
Wow, thank you so much for this, Kristen! You've not only written this amazing review and made me think about the story in entirely different ways from when I wrote it, but you nominated it too! I can't describe how much I appreciate it. ^_^ Report Review
Hey Mids! It's Kristen with your review :). I'm sorry it took so long, with my senior portraits coming up and with the storm (I hope you and your family are okay!) and just everything that's been going on, reviews had to be put on hold. But I'm obviously here reviewing now!
Before I go into this review a bit more; I'd like to talk about my feelings going into this fic. When you requested this story in my thread, I'm not going to lie, I kind of died inside. Not because of you (you're way too awesome for that) but because out of ANYTHING on the toxic list, Harmony is the one thing I'd avoid like the plague. But I thought about it, and I was going to give it a chance :). I even prepared myself for reading it before clicking on the link to the story. Complete with the Rocky theme in the background (lame I know, but what can I say? I love Hermione with Ron, not Harry).
Then I started to read. Um. Wow.
I was in about 200 words when my jaw dropped in awe. There's something about your prose and the way you write that's earthy, original, simple, magical, and poetic all at once. I mean, the way you strung your words together flowed beautifully. My favorite quote has to be your entire fifth paragraph. I could literally feel the tension between the two.
The song you chose was also exquisite. The English lyrics of your song choice were so lovely and poignant. It also fit into the story quite nicely, it didn't disrupt the flow or anything like that :). What made you decide to use this particular song? The lyrics set the right pace and mood for your story, and I enjoyed it very much.
However, this story does not remain unscathed of concrit. As much as I want to go on and on about the other stuff there are some things I'd like to point out:
Reading huge blocks of italicized text was hard on my eyes when I had gotten to your flashback :(. Because I myself have been working on a story that incorporates flashbacks, I've asked for help in the forum and people agreed that too much italics to describe a flashback isn't the...best way to convey them. Personally speaking, you don't even NEED the italics to show Harry's having a flashback. You already introduce the idea that he's remembering before you go into it, so your readers know he's not in the present. This, to be honest, was the biggest concern I had with this fic xD.
Also, sometimes in your story you get a little casual...which made your sentences a little awkward because where it went casual, it didn't seem to fit right. For example, in your flashback you have this sentence: "If she said yes, well… he’d feel equally as uneasy for obvious reasons." The "obvious" makes it off center, for me anyway :). It makes it seem like that you're cutting in to make sure your readership knows what Harry feels at that moment. There were only a couple other instances like that in this fic, but that's it. I hope that all made sense!
There were also times when Seamus felt like a middle aged blue collar worker drinking at the pub instead of an Irishman. I know, picky, and I'm sorry, but it was just one of those little things that got to me. I think it was the "going" and "nothing" in his dialogue that still had their hanging g's while their counterparts didn't have them.
Oh there's so many things I want to comment on!
Your characterization was great. For once, I didn't want to hit Harry in the face with a frying pan! He was my favorite character in this, actually. I loved his voice, his inner thoughts. Having ot read those was enjoyable as that made me connect with Harry in this more. Plus, those little acerbic quips were delightful! I loved this line:
If he had to continue living a game of hide-and-seek it would be more beneficial to just give up. Olly olly oxen free.
Just overall...I loved how they were short too which added some extra oomf! and power to them. I felt bad for Harry by the end of it. Was there a reason why you wrote him the way you did?
I'm hoping that this doesn't confuse you or come out as an oxymoron, but I LIKE how this piece has a small flavor of American culture in here. While the g's sort of got to me when Seamus spoke, I quite like the rest of it, like the setting of the reunion. It made it more relatable for me in a way. It was like a comfort zone. Like eating chicken wings or something.
Oh, and one more thing; I checked the posted date for this, and this was written well after the release of DH. Why did you decide to make it AU and not necessarily canon? I'm just curious.
Overall, I was deeply impressed with this and I'm truly glad I decided to go for this. You really are a gifted author ^_^.
I'm going to nominate for this as Best Songfic in the morning because it is well deserved :D. It''s also twenty after one in the morning and my internet is being incredibly slow, so that's why my post will have ot wait until then.
P.S This went right into my favorites list!Author's Response: Kristen! I lost power for a little bit, but we ended up being okay. Thanks =)
I know it's a stretch for you to read this and I didn't mean to torture you, but I asked you to read this because I think that if someone who doesn't generally like songfics or Harmony can stomach this, then I must be doing okay. =)
Thank you! During the time between lives, I figured out that writing simple sentences was more interesting than writing flashy ones, and I'm so glad you liked them =)
I listened to the acapella version of this song (I highly recommend it) and it just...spoke to me. I was so moved by the chord changes, the raw emotion of their voices. I cried while listening to it, to be honest. And I knew that if this song could create such raw emotion in me, I would have to share it with others through my writing =)
Hm, I never thought about that with the italics. I'd always thought that if I wanted to show a flashback, italics would be the best way. I understand your concern. If I didn't put it in italics, though, wouldn't I have to switch to the past-perfect tense? I wanted to stay in the same tense so that I wasn't telling a new story but transporting the reader to another time.
That's a very interesting point you make about casual writing. I think while writing this, I was just flowing with the emotions in me and I wasn't giving much thought to the presentation. I'll think about that from now on. Thank you =)
XD I didn't think about Seamus being out of character, but that's also a valid point. Thank you for bringing that to my attention =)
Harry was a challenge to write because we've already seen so much of him, you know? I didn't want to step on JKR's toes, but I also wanted him to sound like my writing. Thank you! I'm glad you didn't hate him here. I know how annoying his angst can be sometimes =P
I made this AU because Ginny did not end up with Harry, and because it was clear in the series that Harry did not have romantic feelings for Hermione.
Thank you so much! I cannot express how happy this review has made me. Your reviews are always so wonderful, Kristen, and I respect your opinion so highly ^_^ Report Review
Hello! I'm VampireKisses from the forums :). But you can call me Kristen - it's way easier. How are you tonight?
I have like five stories I still have to review (I know! Bad! But life gets in the way sometimes) but I just HAD to stop by and review this. I love this story so much!
The title in itself is just so powerful, and it sticks in your mind for a while. In fact, that's how I found your story - not by your banner (which is quite lovely by the way) but by the title of this piece. It was just like BAM! You could tell it was going to be awesome stuff just by looking at it. How did you come up with it?
Your sense of voice for each girl was also brilliant. I think your sentence structure factored into it alot because there was just something about the way you strung your words together that made me think "woah. Powerful stuff." I think my favorite voice has to be Bellatrix because she was so different than Cissa and Dromeda. Who was your favorite to write? Did you have fun with writing Bella?
In a way I thought you incorporated symbolism in a great way. I'm sorry if I am confusing you here, I just mean that like for instance, you have the sane Andromeda and Narcissa speak in the first person. Then there's Bellatrix. The way you tackled her was amazing, I loved how you had her written in the third present tense. It may just be the English nerd in me jumping for joy but I thought the style in which Bella was written was to present like an "out of mind" sort of technique, like she no longer has her sense of self (I) or reason (all the crazy bits :P.) I loved how the blood also kept coming up throughout the story. It seemed to suggest that Bella and Lucius and whomever the blood came in contact with dirtied their souls and like blood is their form of bondage in family duty. Were those the things that what you had in mind writing this? Or do you think I'm just crazy? xD
Your sense of canon was wonderful! I LOVED how you tied in everything so that it helped create a deeper meaning of the Black sisters. Narcissa being friends with Regulus was very original. The way you've had their relationships with people was simply spellbinding! I really liked how you dug into the dynamics of Rodolphus and Bellatrix. Their relationship is severely depreciated in canon and I'm glad you filled them out. Furthermore, one thing that stood out to me was when reading Andromeda's chapter, she talks about her relationships with her sisters, and she says how Bellatrix feels too much, and that that would be her biggest downfall. In a way it is an open fact, but I don't think many HP readers realize that about Bellatrix. Lord know, I didn't. That part right there opened my eyes to her all the more.
Let's see, concrit? There were a few itsy bitsy things I'd like to address:
In the first chapter Andromeda claims that Bella and Cissa are her younger sisters. In actuality, Bella's the oldest I think - she was born in 1951 and Narcissa in 1955. Andromeda's birthdate is blotted out :).
And also...I DID NOT WANT THIS TO END! I was so shocked to see this was completed months ago. If you wanted to, you could turn this into a novel.
I told you they were itsy bitsy bits :P.
Keep up the fantastic work! This story deserves all the Dobby nominations.
P.S I voted this as Best Canon. Congratulations!!
P.P.S I'm sorry if this was a really confusing review, and if I rambled and didn't give you alot to go off of, but this was just made of awesome.
Good luck!Author's Response: No fear, I recognise you! Lol, Kristen will be easier, and I would just like to start this response with the biggest thank you you could possibly imagine. I just got back from holiday, so I was unable to respond earlier, but this review was as unexpected as it was welcome and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to leave it. I hope I manage to leave a response that gives you all the information you want to know ^_^. Also, just so you know, you're making me blush profusely XD.
I adore the banner. It was my first experience with the magical land of UFG at tda and I fell in love with it instantly. As for the name, it was the first thing that came to me. When I joined HPFF it was never with the intention of writing anything other than the occasional review that I wanted to keep track of, but soon I felt that I didn't want to be just another empty author page, so I became more open to the idea of writing fan fic. After that it gradually swam into place, first the name, closely followed by a vague idea for a one-shot and then, very gradually, the short story that is there today. I think the power that the title holds was partially what inspired me to go on; I suppose I have it to thank for the fan fics I have today!
Again, thank you very much, your compliments are extremely flattering. I enjoyed writing each sister in their own right and I really loved trying to pad them out a bit and make them more three dimensional. Originally this was destined to be a one-shot about Andromeda because we know so little about her, and I adored the free reign I had with her. I also enjoyed writing Narcissa because it gave me the opportunity to challenge her 'evil' nature and to project the idea that things aren't always as they seem. Finally, I couldn't not enjoy writing about Bellatrix. Her chapter took an extremely long time to come because I spent so long trying to write her in first person and found it impossible. When I wrote it like that I either had to sacrifice some of her insanity, the essence of Bellatrix, or have it literally going in circles and not being of much interest to read, that's when I decided that writing in a different style wasn't necessarily a bad thing for Bella. She was SO much fun to write and I loved trying to recreate her unstable nature on the page.
Do you know you may just be the first person to hit the nail on the head and discover what I was really trying to convey with Bellatrix's chapter. Chapter three can be looked at in two ways (in my opinion) as an impartial third person, or as Bellatrix sort of narrating the tale herself, but not truly seeing it as her or the person she has become. I considered it to be the latter, even if I know I didn't explain it very well there XD.
Most of the response was cut off, so I'll PM the rest over XD
Jane xx Report Review
Oh there's another thing I forgot to add in my novel of a review xD I LOVED your historical references. I totally laughed out loud when you had Sir Cadogan talk about Burr and Hamilton. I was in AP US History, and we spent an entire week on the Burr conspiracy :P. Although, as Sir Cadogan is British, it was strange he should make a comment about American history xD still I loved it. I hope you put in more!
Oh! I just saw your first response. Thank you so much!!
KristenAuthor's Response: haha thanks! yeah, we're american and it is weird that he'd reference US history, but we really couldn't resist.
thank YOU so much!
~madelgranger Report Review
Hello! This is Kristen here with your long awaited review! Look, I'm truly and really sorry about making you wait so long - my real life just got really busy, and with the Riddle Finale...my reviewing just got put on the backburner. I'm also really sorry if this isn't as long as I'm sure some of your others are :).
First, I got to say this was a very interesting and original concept. The Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies and children's books of all time (although, I still read them today as someone going on 17 xD), I love Wicked (the musical) so much (the book, I got to say, made feel like I was on some drug and I just think that the musical was better overall), and let's face it - Shrek is the best post-Disney Princess Disney film ever. So kudos to you writing this! What made you (guys) decide to write this?
Now, you say that people found it confusing. I can see why, but as you said Ingram is actually a nutter, I quite like how you have it set up. A crazy person's mind is off its hinges, and so they think very off-the-wall random like. It made this fic seem very psychological somehow like an analysis of the mind, which added maturity to it.
But there were a few things that did throw me off the unbeaten path. Like the last line of this chapter. Why would Hermione want to snog Draco, a boy who makes sport of calling her mudblood? And I took this as Ingram hallucinating, but why was Ron wearing that costume? I also don't think Romilda ever knew of Ron's...mishap. Where did Cupid come from?
Is Ingram really a crazy Draco or did they switch places? I would like to know that very much :). If it's the latter, perhaps to decrease the confusion you could show a scene where Draco gets transported back to Kansas?
It was really random sometimes, but I think that made it more fun to read. I'm sure it must be a blast to write this! In the previous chapter you mention how Ingram was singing like Donkey...it didn't really sit right with me; the way it was executed, not the line itself. I'm a big fan of the first Shrek movie, so I got the line from its tone, as I'm sure anyone who saw that movie and reads this will. But there may be people who do read this and have never seen the movie and would be confused by the reference. It would be like if I wrote something like:
Romilda laughed as Ron and Harry grappled for her affection. "Oh you boys, fightin' over me and all, makes a girl feel-" she crooned like Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer but her sentence was cut off by a rogue punch landed against her lips.
See what I mean? If you're a fan of the show you'd get it, and maybe laugh at the reference without me having to say it was Drusilla's line. If you haven't seen it, then you're probably confused by the reference, right? So in my opinion, that line would improve if perhaps instead of saying "like Donkey in Shrek", your tag to that bit of dialogue would be something like "like a braying donkey." That's it for the nit pick, I'm sorry :(.
I loved the randomness don't get me wrong, but I think what confuses people is the really really out there random ones that are just there like the quip about how the Baron told the kids of future generations about the boy who walked like a duck. The Baron hardly ever talks, if I'm not mistaken, except to reprimand Peeves because he's so scary and intimidating.
I thought that this fic was very funny though, I laughed at many parts like when Sir Cadogan chanted "Duel! Duel!" My mental image of it made me crack up xD Or how Ingram was a secret passageway aficionado. And a part of it is due to the randomness of the entire fic; just make sure things don't go too random. I hope that makes sense and is not in any way an contradictory oxymoron!
I loved how you tied in Oz with Hogwarts. Like how you had the scene with Trelawney on the broomstick and Ingram thought it was Elphaba or how he thought Draco's rooms were the Emerald City. All these things made me laugh.
Your style of writing is really cool too! I really enjoy how the narration is like a voice in Ingram's life. It makes the story have an "Into the Woods" feel to it. And I love how its satirical! What made you guys decide to write the fic this way?
Well that's it :D I think you did a very good job with this fic over all, you guys should be very proud of yourselves to work on such an original concept! =D
KristenAuthor's Response: wow, thank you so much. It really wasn't supposed to be that deep, it was set up more as a sketch in the style of Monty Python or something (not that we could ever aspire to be that funny). It's really cool that you thought we were doing a psychological analysis (I feel so insightful about the human condition now, completely undeservedly :D). And everyone was supposed to be a bit out of character, just for kicks. (The dramione bit was parody, which we will go into further in the next chapter). Ingram is actually Draco's long-lost muggle cousin from Kansas. Draco will show up later. I'm glad that you thought the randomness worked as part of Ingram's craziness, because that was what it was supposed to be - I think a lot of people didn't get that it was just supposed to be random for fun. Ron was in an ostrich suit for just that reason :D (again, a bit of OOC and parody for kicks). As far as the Donkey reference goes, I think it's kind of one of those things that people will either get or not, sort of like the Alexander Hamilton/Aaron Burr reference. I'm so glad you liked our fic and thought it was original; I'm even happier you thought it was funny! Thanks for the pointers on what was confusing, it will help us clarify some things in the next chapter. Thanks so much for the review! (and don't worry about how long it took, I've been known to be even worse :D)
~madelgranger Report Review
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