Hello back ^^
I don't know what to think of your story.
There is a lot of potential that makes it a nice story to read but a lot of frustration too as I crave for more details. Please, please give me more details ^^
I like the fact that you decided to write different things than usual: a Ravenclaw breaking rules, Peter having girlfriends, etc.
I was just too surprised at seeing Remus and Peter being sex-addicts. But then I'm a "canon freak" and I didn't imagine Remus and Peter like that.
I like the fact that your characters all have different personalities. I know that it's very difficult to do when you have that many characters to write so congratulation.
I've spotted a mistake. At the beginning you wrote that they were going to have lunch then Ariana said that she "grabbed the last of her dinner". Was it dinner or lunch time?
This chapter is my favourite so far. You have reduced the number of funny situations and add more details. That was what I tried to advice you in my review of chapter 2. It makes your chapter more enjoyable and it succeeded to make me smile. You should continue in that way.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. (: Yeah, when I wrote this chapter, I tried to add more detail... I'm glad you liked it. (: And I'll change that thing about the lunch/dinner.
I will, thanks! (: Report Review
I like this chapter better than the first one.
I like the fact that we are only following Alex point of view.
You are able to stay into the characters you've created and it is very good.
I think you should add more descriptions and sentences between the dialogues. Sometimes, it seems too rushed. For example they've just entered the train, Peter came back with his rat (good idea by the way the pet-rat for Peter ^^), small talks and then out of nowhere they've arrived at Hogwarts. A few sentences like "after that we fall into silence, I was reading/playing, etc." and we would have better understood the time lapse.
I like the way you're portraying Peter. He seems like a real person with personality and when he's not in the room you gave him a reason why. So congratulation on that.
I think you can do a very good humoristic piece but you try too much. You should feel more the story and try to be funny at all cost.
This chapter was a succession of jokes that could have been good if they were less. For me, too much jokes destroys the purpose of humour. Maybe you should slow down the pace and reduce the number of funny situations you want to write. Because with too much jokes it seems that you want so much to make it funny that you take away the funny side of your story. Then, my idea of a funny story is few funny situations with few funny dialogues coming out of nowhere when we are not waiting for them and that make us smile.
Then sometimes your funny situations seem too much and do not a good job to your story. For example when you make James, Sirius and Remus screamed like girls. On the contrary Lily's fear of rats and mice was a very good idea (betrayed by a rat in the future ^^) but make her jump on the rack was too much. I think it would have been better if she was just standing on her seat and retreating back as much as she could.
My advice would be to reduce the succession of funny situations and add more "atmosphere" to your story and you'll have a very good funny story.Author's Response: Okay, I see where you're coming from. (: I'll try that, and I'll work on fixing it.
Thank you so much for the review. (:
-Jasmine Report Review
Hello, it's Lilau from the forum with your review.
Sorry for the delay.
Your story seems good so far. I like the fact that even if you have a lot of characters each one is written differently, using different words and having a different personality.
I just find that there is a problem with your timeline. As far as I know your story is taking place in the 70's. But I feel like your story is a contemporary one. I don't think the conversation between Mary and Alex would be that much about sex with open words. It feels like a conversation two girls from now would have.
Then I found the use of a car for Lily and Severus a little too much. Then I did some research about UK driving license. You need to be 17 and older to be able to take the driving test. So obviously they would not be able to have their driving license as you said they are beginning their 5th year at Hogwarts and so being 15 or 16.
Apart from that, everything is okay for me and your story feels good to read.Author's Response: Thanks so much! I changed the thing with the car... I'm not sure why I put that in, to be honest. But thank you for pointing that out. (:
I'll try to make them sound less contemporary. Thanks again for the review!
-Jasmine Report Review
A really good chapter again. I'm enjoying your story very much. I like how you hint at things without giving anything. We know something is going on but we don't know anything else.
That's something I really like about "mystery story" and you did it very well.
Still a very good writing and character very well written. I love Harry's reasons to want to stay at Grimauld Place and his fight with Ginny. And the dialogue between Harry and Albus is very good.
I just find something that bothered me. When you're talking about Lily being in Gryffindor it's when the chapter takes place during Albus' summer after his first year at Hogwarts. Isn't that too much information as Lily is not yet at Hogwarts? At the beginning Harry reflects on when Albus told him about being best friend with Scorpius. So the following paragraphs take place at that time. Then you add the fact that Harry thinks about Albus being the only one in Slytherin, even his sister is in Gryffindor. It's good if you know that Harry is thinking about it at the same timeline he is reflecting on his son telling him about Scorpius. But the way you wrote it makes it as if it was during the time Albus told his father which goes against timeline.
Then it might just be me.
Anyway a very good chapter. Keep writing ^^Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks for coming back! It's great to hear from you again. I'm glad you're enjoying the story - I'm certainly having fun writing it. (o:
It's my first time writing a mystery, but I do hope I can do it effectively with the hints and subtlety, slowly building a picture of what's going on. I like trying to give myself a new challenge. (o:
I'm glad you liked the discussion over Grimmauld Place and Harry's reasoning, as well as his conversation with Albus. I'd never intended to write NextGen kids, but I have to admit that they kind of just developed a voice of their own that I've enjoyed listening to and writing.
As for what bothered you - I understand what you are saying, about whether Harry is talking as the Harry from Al's First Year or from Al's Fourth Year. Of course, in Al's First Year no one knew where Lily would be sorted, but since Harry, years later as he recalls the memory, now has hindsight and more knowledge, he thinks in his mind about how all the children up to Al's Fourth Year were sorted into Gryffindor. I suppose I could have done that more cleanly, but it's also the style of flashbacks that I write - where the character *thinks* back, without us totally going back in time. Anyway, I do understand what you're saying, I suppose I just kept Harry in the future and merely thinking backward, so perhaps that jump back in his mind is too abrupt. I'll read it over and see how I feel about it. (o:
Thanks so much for reading and leaving such a detailed review. I really appreciate it. (o: Report Review
Hello it's Lilau from the forum with your review.
I'm sorry I was busy and it took me some times to review your story. As a new chapter had been added since I'm writing the review for this chapter but I'll do a review for your three chapters.
I like your story so far. Your Albus and Scorpius are funny and well characterized. I like the fact that they are not only funny. After your first chapter, I was afraid that they would be one-dimensional but you added the fact that they had lost their chance of becoming Aurors and that they felt bad about it. I was relieved. I also like your Rose, she seems well-thought.
You have very funny and well-written sentences. I like the fact that when you have a dialogue, it flows as a real dialogue. They are no break from the conversation and it looks like a real conversation. However, sometimes you don't write enough description of your characters, their feelings or the place they are in. I think it might add more thickness to your story and you will go from a very nice story to a wonderfully written one. Well now that I think about it you didn't write any physical description of your characters. Maybe you can add some from time to time.
Your first chapter was a little too much like Lethal Weapon for my taste but you warned us about it. Then you used the "nude picture" and the "scare a person that you're going to kill him". I think it might be a little too much. It feels like you borrowed ideas from somewhere and added them in your story. Even if it's slightly different and adapted to Albus and Scorpius, I prefer reading new ideas and I'm sure you can have wonderful ideas totally your own.
I've spotted some mistakes. It's "Gryffindor", you don't need the "e" at the end. I think that also you usually missed some words. Like in the end of this chapter you wrote "Apart from Scorpius, Rose and the few other members of his family that he truly cared for, he nothing left to loose." I think you need to write "he had nothing left to lose". I know that missing words are difficult to find because our mind tends to read them even if they're not there.
In this chapter I really like the way you imagine their travel to Japan and the description of the Japanese school. It's totally new and I've never read such a thing before.
A thing though. Are you sure everything is "Made in Japan"? I was more under the impression that it was "Made in China" or "Made in Taiwan". Then I am not sure "Han" is a Japanese name. For me it's a Chinese ethnic group and surname. Anyway you do what you want and like with your story. It was just a thought I add when I read your story that I wanted to share with you.
To conclude I want to say that you have a really good plot with believable characters and a very nice story on hand.
Congratulation for your work, keep writing ^^Author's Response: Wow! Big review. Thanks very much for taking the time to write it. As I said in the authors notes, the Lethal Weapon stuff only lasts for the first few chapters, then fizzles out. Well, there might be a few other nods here or there, but nothing major.
I'm always making that mistake with Gryffindor. I keep confusing it with Dumbledore which does have an 'e' at the end. :P
Alot of people have said that there needs to be more description so I'm trying to add to it for the coming chapters. I hate going over board on it though and I don't like starting a story with back-story...I'm not sure why. :/
Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hopefully you like the later chapters a bit more because they are quite different from the first ones. Especially when the tournament gets started.
Thanks again for the big review. :D
P.S. Han's full name is Hankafu but that isn't mentioned until later. :) Report Review
As I said I wanted to read your story. So here I am.
When I read your summary I had doubts it would be a story that I'll like. Then seeing the warning for slash, I was not sure I wanted to read your story. It would have been a shame. I'm glad the fact that telling you I would read it makes me click on the first chapter.
The first chapter is amazing. I love your characterization of adults Hermione and Ginny. They are very very good. Your Harry so far is as good. You created an Albus and a Scorpius who seem amazing. I definitely recognize your need for details and well-thoughts story.
I just think that your summary doesn't reach the level of your story.
I love the way you write, the sentences, the words.
Your first chapter really made me to want to read the rest.
Charlotte who's off to read the following chapters.Author's Response: Hi Charlotte! Thanks for coming to read! I was serious when I said you didn't have to. But I'm happy to see that you gave it a shot.
As for the summary - I'm totally stuck on how to improve it! This isn't the first time someone mentioned it, but I'm not sure how to make it better, give a good indication of what the story will be like, but not give away everything that's going to happen, you know? So, if you wanted to help me with the summary, that would be totally awesome. (o:
Thanks, though, for giving it a shot, even though the summary, and slash warning gave you doubts. I really appreciate it.
I'm pleased you enjoyed the characterizations of Hermione, Ginny, and Harry. And that you're liking my Albus and Scorpius. There is a lot of room to "play" with them. (o: And I like that you see my need to make the details right, haha. I told you I can be nerdy about that, right? (o;
Again, if you have some advice or suggestions on how to improve the summary, I'd really
And thanks for what you said - about loving the way I write. I hope, if you read more, that you'll enjoy the story. (o: Thanks for your comments! Report Review
Hello, it's Lilau from the forum with your requested review.
A very nice one-shot. I like how you make Harry wonders between laughing at his son's antics and being mad at him. I like Ginny being the voice of reason. But I think that she lacks a little fun. She's the mother but seeing how she was when she was at school and how she loves for her brother to do mischief, I would have thought that she too would have laugh a little (or smile) at her son's behaviour and not be the serious one immediately.
I like the fact that it's Neville who writes to Harry. I would just see Neville calling McGonagall "Professor" even if he's her colleague now (and not plain McGonagall). I was also, with this letter, under the impression that James was not alone doing mischief (small group of boys). Then you're only talking about how James confessed and was punished. Maybe you could have speak a little bit more of those boy (add another Weasley for example).
Then I think you should take your time with the flashbacks. It's good to see them but it feels a little too short to be really noticed as they are: ancient troublemakers whose blood runs into James II.
Just love your idea of the toilet seats that glue girl. I would like to see the girls retaliate though. And the fact that you chose this theme to link your flashbacks was very good.
Your last sentence was very good both as an ending one and as a summary one for your story. Good jobAuthor's Response: Hello! Thanks for your review!
Thanks for the CC, it was really helpful :]
And I actually did expound upon the memories a lot, they are waiting for validation :]
Thanks so much! This was really helpful!
~~Chelsea Report Review
Hello, it's Lilau from the forum with your requested review.
It's a very interesting first chapter. You succeed in giving a good mental description of the four girls. I think it's just lack some physical description. I think it will add more depth to your character if the reader can imagine them physically. Are they blonde, have dark/red/brown hair/eyes? However I was glad that you didn't lost time into physical description of Lily and the Marauder. We know about them. I like the fact you didn't talk about Snape (telling his name) but gave us enough hints to know it was him. But I would not have seen Snape leaving Lily so quickly in the train.
Which year are they in? Because since fifth year Lily should have been a prefect and on her seventh the Head Girl, so she would have met them later.
I don't know what to think about their relationship with the Marauders. If it's their seventh year I would say that it's a little childish and I would not see Lily shouting like that. Then the fact that the two girls hit the boys like that is both a little unbelievable and very mean. That is a way too hurtful and without consideration punishment for just hugging the girls. I can't see Lily hurting a boy like that even James. Other than that I would say that it's okay for me and I would need to read more to really feel their relationship.
"we all use her, instead of the library, as a reference point for knowledge." Just to say that I really like this sentence ^^
To conclude a good beginning to a story that seems enjoyable.
Keep writing ^^Author's Response: Thanks, ok i will work on the physical description.
In defense of Lily and Kitty's actions first Lily has proabaly had enough of James by now, I've seen her do worse things in other fics. Also that's one of Kitty's biggest faults she doesn't actually think about how her actions will affect other people, I just didn't want to make her seem perfect.
Thanks for the review
Sparkle x Report Review
Hello, it's Lilau from the forum with your requested review ^^
I like the fact you that you start with a dream. I was wondering what was going on seeing than Scorpius also didn't know. It's very catchy, a very good start.
As far as I can say with one chapter, your story seems interesting and you character well-developed. I like your Scorpius and your Hermione. I had troubles understanding your Draco. Sometimes he seems a little contradictory. He sort of dislikes the Weasley and seems not elated as seing his son marrying Rose, then he congratulates him and is happy for him. I know that it's normal for a father to be happy for his son. It's just that you used words like "scornfully" to describe Draco and just after "chuckled". But then it's the first chapter and it's in a dream (where people do not behave normally) so I can't tell much about him. I'm just telling you that so you can be aware for following chapters.
"He looked over Scorpius's shoulder to Ron Weasley, who was white-faced and nervous-looking. "Even her father is an idiot.""
Have you forgotten an "if" for your "even her father"? Sorry if it's wrong my English is not so good.
Calling Rose a "harlot" at the end was maybe a little too much. I mean we see through his nightmare that he really loves Rose. So how can he be so mean to her when he woke up? Sure she tried to rip him but it was a nightmare. He might have been afraid of her first then finally comes to his senses and sees that she is the girl he loves. That's why I think that you could have developed a little bit more the ending. I love the fact that you have a little monologue in three parts: Rose is bad she tried to rip me (with what you wrote about how she predicts her pregnancy)/ but that was only a nightmare (giving more about that he loves her)/ but he still needs to go. I just think the two last parts are not developed enough. I think you can write more on the fact that it's was just a nightmare (being more relieved, etc.) and on his reasoning about the fact that his nightmare was partly true (wondering why he dreamt that, what does that mean and feeling like his life was taken away from him, etc.). That way it will give more depth to his reason for departure apart from just "I need a life" (and give more depth to that reason too).
Just a side note: the JERK he leaves without letting a note. I hope Rose hexes him into oblivion !
Congratulation, your chapter makes me want to read more. So tell me when it's next updated ^^Author's Response: Hey, I am FINALLY responding your very kind review. I am so, so sorry that it took me so long. Finals got in the way of everything else for awhile.
I think I wanted Draco to be a contradictory character because he's not really sure how he feels about the situation. He doesn't really like the idea of Weasley wife, but he always wants to very best for his son. I'll try to make his character a little more defined in the following chapters.
He hasn't really gotten to the point where he can accept how much he loves her. I understand what you're saying, but I'll have to respectfully disagree. He's in such a flurry of emotion during this chapter that he doesn't really think of what he's saying. It's like when you accidently refer to your mother as the "'b" word when you definitely don't mean it. He's just trying to justify his leaving, because, in his heart, that 's what he really wants to do.
Thank you so much for your great review! I'm sorry again that it took forever to respond. I'll let you know when I've updated :) Report Review
For a lack of words: Wahoo.
I would not change anything. The way you pictured Remus was perfect.
I like the interaction between the three friends. The fact you used Sirius to say that they will be friends forever is genius. We know the future and we know that Sirius will indeed keep true to his word. Then, Remus' pain at feeling betrayed by Sirius. And my favorite line:"Sirius was as good as dead to him". (mostly because we know what is going on ^^).
I just feel that we didn't get enough of Remus between James and Lily's death and the time he came to teach at Hogwarts. Then in a short paragraph you succeed in giving us a full insight on this period.
I have nothing else to say apart from: Congratulation on a very very very very very (you got the idea ^^) good story.Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the awesome review! :D
Thanks for all the compliments! I'm so glad you liked it! I also LOVE favourite lines ;).
The reason I didn't include Remus at school was because that's pretty much covered in the HP books- I picked four moments which changed him in different ways :D.
Thank you for the review! It was so lovely to recieve! :D Report Review
Just to say that I really love your story.
Your short chapters are so full of meaning and information that I feel like I've read a very long story.
A very good jobAuthor's Response: thank you so very much :) Report Review
Hello, It's Lilau from the forum.
Sorry about the delay for your review. I've noticed that you added three more chapters since the time you've asked for a review (shame on me ^^).
Sometime it feels like it is not an epilogue but really the beginning of a story. But that might be because it is the first chapter and we can't help but feel like the beginning. It also I think because it's the start of Molly's real love story with Teddy. I think your story will be about how Molly finally got what she had always wanted. It doesn't bother that you start with this epilogue because it doesn't really feel like the end of the story.
Then it gives us the end of the story in such a light (her pains, the other girl, etc.) that we really want to know more about Molly's story.
As for the length of your chapters it doesn't put me off. I feel like even if it's short you gave a lot of information. So at the end we don't even think that it was short; we have a lot of things to ponder about.
Really good first chapter and I love your Molly.
Off to read more ^^Author's Response: it's good that the chapters dont seem short, because it can put people off. it was really about me trying something stylistically different to my norm. so I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
I still don't know what to think of your story. I find your plot intriguing but then I can't really relate to it.
I was a little put off by your characterization of Kira. But I read some of the other reviews and saw the answers you gave them about the Marie Sue attitude so I gave Kira a chance to surprise me. Then I found her fascinating enough to want to know more. I just can't relate to her as a character.
On the contrary I totally agree with your way of portraying the James, Sirius, Remus and Lily. But I feel like you do not grasp the reality of Peter. It feels like you write him because he has to be there but he would not be there it would be the same. Peter might be James and Sirius' shadow but he still has a personality. I feel like Peter lacks a real personality in this story. He's just a follower. I also found it a little too much the fact that he was sick seeing blood. It would be the same for Snape. We only have a few mention of him but I found them out of character: the fact that he hates the new professor because he hates everyone for example. For me Snape had always had a good reason to hate someone: he hated Harry because of James.
I'm not too fond of your little inserts as an author such as when you say that "I mean, come on" and talk about James or Snape (chapter 8 for Snape). I find that it doesn't go well with the flow of you story. You're writing in third person with an external point of view but then out of nowhere comes a first person sentence. Otherwise I like how you write and I like reading your story.
I think your story lack thickness. What I mean is that you have a unique plot that is really interesting but you could have made it even more interesting. While reading your story I feel like you wanted to rush to the end. I think that you should add more details in your scenes, make them longer, and add some atmosphere to them. For me there is too much information in 9 chapters. I think you should take your time in your writing, let the reader immerse in your story and be lost in it. I think you could have double the number of chapters and it would have been as great a plot as it is.
With your writing I can say that you enjoyed your story and really thought out your plot. Congratulation that's what makes a good story.
All in all it's a very nice story. And your summary doesn't give it enough credit: it is too light and unspecific. I would have preferred something darker along the line of your prologue.
I hope that I didn't upset you. What I wrote is only my point of view and what I was feeling while reading your story. You might not agree with me and I totally agree with that ^^.Author's Response: I really need people to tell me like it is, so I really appreciate your reviews!
Kira- Ah, she seems like such a Mary Sue!!! But that's her character, so... >_> I'm taking a risk, writing her as she is, but later on in the story, things are explained. I hope that then people will be able to forgive her Mary Sue-ness...
Peter- I love him (XD), but I have a lot of trouble writing him because he's so out there. I dont know too much about him when he was a kid. I cant characterisize him as well as I want. T.T
Snape- Oh... I imagine him a bitter person, sort of automatically disliking people (kind of like me, I'm embarassed to admit) I understand that I may interject myself a little bit too much -_-' sorry. I mean no insult to Snape... I was trying to tell the story as a marauder, kind of... They think that Snape's a sourpuss...
Lacking in detail- I didnt realize I was rushing... this is going to be a really really long story... I'll try to slow it down. Thanks for the heads-up!
I'm really glad you find the plot interesting!
I never get upset over people not loving my story, it's those people's opinions that really help me change my writing for the better. (though I still like it when people like my story! ;3)
Thanks so much for all of your helpful comments!!
-AKABARA Report Review
I still don't know what to say about Kira. I have mixed feelings. So I'll wait until chapter 10 to voice them out.
Just a thing tough: she can carry Remus (princess like nonetheless) without any of the others thinking that it's weird. She's an unnaturally strong girl or Remus is an unnaturally underweight boy. Then the other marauders should have been surprised at seeing her with so much strength instead of just making fun of Remus. A girl can't carry a boy (or another girl) this easily. Or else it's not natural like she was doing sport to gain muscles. If you see what I mean.
That is what surprised me in this chapter. I found it unrealistic and nobody else noticed it. It may be part of your plot but I would have liked for someone to notice that it was strange.Author's Response: Thanks!
Kira is a very strange character...
About her carrying Remus: Uhhh, I dont know about that. I can carry a few of my guy friends (not the really tall ones), and I always pictured Remus as a slight boy, and Kira is fairly tall... I dont really know about that...
Unrealistic, yes, but I dont know if you are considering the weird side-affect that the marauders get when they start to suspect Kira...
Thanks so much for your comments!!
-AKABARA Report Review
Hello, it's Lilau from the forum. I'm here at last with your review. ^^
I'm going to read your story and write a long review for the last chapter (chapter 10). If I find something to say while reading your story I might add a review for the chapter I'll be reading.
I really like your opening chapter. It's confusing enough to make people want to read more. I'm wondering who's that girl and what is she up to.
I don't know why you warned me about your prologue. It's an incredible one and one of the best ones I've ever read. It's short yet full of emotion and action.
A very good start.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! =D
I was worried about the prologue, but I am getting a lot of positive feedback on it, so I guess I was worried about nothing! ^_^' Thanks so much for the complements!
-AKABARA Report Review
Still great !!!
I read through the six chapters in one go and now I want to
read more !
I love your story. It's original, well thought. I have noting bad to say about it.
keep writting and I'll be sure to keep reading ^^Author's Response: Hahaha...I'll try to get the next chapter done as soon as possible, I promise! ^_^
I really appreciate your reviews! Report Review
I really like your story. It's nice, funny and well-written.
I love your Fred and James. Others characters are as good as them.
I just want to keep reading ^^
Just a thing. I suppose that with "Et tu, Brute?", you wanted to say "And you Brutus" in French. But you wrote instead "are you Brute?". If it's refering to Caesar's traitor it should be "Et toi Brutus?". Brutus is called Brutus in French as it's a Latin Name. The "you" is used like "tu" only when it's followed by a verb: "and you like" = "et tu aimes"; "and you, you like" = "et toi, tu aimes". Sorry for the french lesson ^^
Off to read more.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! As far as that line, it's spelled "Et tu, Brute" in the play Julius Caesar, because it's Latin and not French. Just like Shakespeare spelled it. ^_^
Glad you're enjoying the story! Report Review
Hello, I'm here with your review ^^
Just a thing: I couldn't understand if your story was a one-shot or not. You told me a "one-shot" on my review's thread, then here it's a "work in progress" but your story seems to come to an end with the end of the first chapter. So I'll treat it as a one-shot.
Very nice story. I like how you portrayed Rose. She's sarcastic, has a personality, etc. It's very nice to be in her head.
I also like the fact that we have her point of view of the different scenes. We don't know what's going apart from what she knows. That's why I was not too concerned about how the other characters came out. We have her view that is very biased I might say. In another situation (not Rose's point of view) I would have said that they were too exaggerated.
There are some mistakes. For example once you wrote "Aunt Molly".
I really like the conversation about Salazar and how she gave the right answer and tried to change the conversation. Then when Victoire's water broke, hilarious. Exactly how a family gathering can look like in this situation.
I'm not too fond of the morale at the end. It's sweet I can't say otherwise but for me it's too sweet and it came too abruptly. I like the idea that she's receiving a lesson from her dead grandfather (very sad by the way, poor Arthur!!!). I just find it too short and quick. I would have liked a lot of scenes and different stories to make her really understand what Arthur wanted to say. Rose seems very reluctant to understand the first time Arthur told her (and by her reactions too) so for me it should be a lot of time before she grasps the idea and understands it. Maybe you should create more situations in the pensieve for her to really understand what is at stake. Then why introduce Remus, Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody and Fred if you are not going to talk about them and tell us why they are there?
Another thing: it's nice to have a moral at the end of the story but I find it too long. You give the idea of "family is important" with the end of your story. Writing on entire paragraph about it seems (for me) too much. I started reading the question and the four possible answers and I skipped to the end because I couldn't read more. I think that with this paragraph you take the purpose of your story away. It was very nice by itself. It didn't explanations. Then your sentence "Ok, so I hope you've been listening because I have a little question for you" gives the impression that your story was not so important but that you're going to explain us what is your real goal. At the end it might feel like "why taking time in reading a story if someone is going to explain it for us".
As you may have noticed I prefer stories when the reader has to understand by himself the purpose of what he's reading. So I just feel that the last paragraph took part of the goodness of your story away. I would have prefered a shorter version and why not Rose explaining it to baby Olivia. I think it would have a greater impact on the reader if it was part of the story instead of an external point of view expressed by the author.
Other than that I like your story and it was very entertaining to read.
Keep writing.Author's Response: Oh My Gosh.
That suggestion at the end was amazing, about Rose explaining it to Olivia, would it be ok for me to use that when I come to editing this?
I totally get what you mean, there should have been more in that pensieve scene, i will definitley make a change when editing this in the future.
The whole moral thing was really because of this challenge that I'm enetering it into, I totally understand everything you've said and I will definitley take all of it on board.
Thankyou so much for reviewing, this has been one of my most helpful reviews yet, I really appreciate the time you've taken out to read and review, I promise your constructive critisism will NOT be wasted.
Jane_Volturi Report Review
Your story seemed interesting. You had an interesting plot with the "magical coma" that drew me into reading your story.
Unfortunately your plot became (for me at least) too predictable in the first two chapters: going to school in the same year as Harry, being old friend of Lily and the Marauders, being a pure-blood that betrayed her family like Sirius. I can guess that she'll become a Gryffindor and she had something going on with Sirius 15 years ago. I think you had the grasp for a good idea but the way it is written makes it "cliché".
I'm sure there is more going on with your story after but you gave too much information in two chapters. There are stories where a girl comes from the past/future and knows Harry, Sirius, etc. The thing is you need to make your story unique to keep readers hooked on it. After two chapters I'm just thinking "oh it's just another story about some sort of time travel". If I do, there will be other readers to think like that.
What I advise you to do is to create suspense. Instead of telling who she was and who she knows at the beginning and in only two chapters, I think it would be better if you take your time to write it. Let the reader wonder thanks to the timeline if she knew the Marauders. Then once the story is really going on (after a few chapters) and your readers are hooked on your unique plot you drop the bomb about it. Then your readers will be like "waouh I didn't see that coming". At that point even if it seems cliché it doesn't matter because you had taking care of it and the readers might not even notice it.
Last thing in the Site Rules it is stated: "Contained Living Persons Such As JKR/Emma Watson/Tony Blair as a Character. In order to avoid a messy lawsuit, the site does not permit the use or mention of living people in your stories." So I think that you shouldn't use JK Rowling name in your story.
I'm sorry if I was a little bit harsh. I can see that you have a good idea in your hands and I'm sure you can do something very good with it.
Good luck with your story.Author's Response: No it's not at all harsh, it's constructive criticism, which is the best kind =)
I'm taking all of it on board and have already slightly altered the first two chapters.
I was desperately trying to avoid clichÃƒÂ©s as well =P Looks like I acidentally included them.
I was shocked everyone seemed to presume that there had been something going on between Laura and Sirius, that wasn't part of the plot. It was just that they had attended Hogwarts in the same year.
I had already realised the whole thing about mentioning real life characters and had made some alterations about that, but they were yet to be validated when you reviewed the story. =)
Thanks for taking time out to review.
Very good one-shot. We could perfectly imagine a boy's mind and you did well in writing it.
We know he's going to die and yet we don't want him to. I liked how you inserted the memories. The story flows well.
You have a good grasp on Regulus' feelings but sometimes it seems a little rushed. I think you could have written more. The feeling I have at the end is: "I want more". Which is good but which also means that you had a very good story that you could have been longer. I think that there is more than just what you portrayed about Regulus. You had very good ideas and got Regulus minds very well but I think you didn't go deeper enough. I think your Regulus deserves more. What I mean is that we know Regulus struggled between his duties as a son, his love as a brother and his duties as a righteous person. You exposed each one of them perfectly but I think we didn't see enough of Regulus internal struggles and why he ultimately gave his life to fight the path he had chosen to follow since birth.
To conclude I'll say that you wrote a very good one-shot that would deserve to be a short story.Author's Response: You bring up an interesting idea, but I don't think I could make this any longer. I fear that if I did, I'd lose Regulus's character and it'd become trash. Thanks though for suggesting! Perhaps one day, I'll write a longer story about him. Thanks!! Report Review
Again very nice chapter and I really liked to read it. Like last time I'm looking carefully to have something to write except for "what a good chapter" ^^.
You have a real talent on how to set an atmosphere and that's refreshing. We don't only know what's going on we can imagine the scene like a movie. That's what, in my eyes, makes your story different.
Your descriptions are as good as last time. I really liked the "He checked his eye-still green", it made me laugh.
You succeed in alternating funny and more serious scene. Your story is obviously a dark one but we need a lighter atmosphere sometime and hopefully we'll still get it in the next chapters.
One thing I'm puzzled with is your characterization of Everett. With the description in the first chapter and the middle of this one I had managed to create an image of him. But the end is totally different from what I had imagined. The terms you used first made him look like a gruffly but nice man. The end completely shattered that image and might even feelt out of character because you suddenly use words such as "evilly", "taunting". The fact is that first I thought that Michael's reaction ("What a bastard...") was exaggerated and I couldn't agree with him. I understood it only at the end. Maybe at the beginning, you were not portraying him as badly as you should have for me to really grasp the essence of this character.
The second and last thing I can find is your timeline. In the first chapter I already had problems to understand which time it was (morning, evening). Then they went to sleep so I thought the second chapter was the morning after. Then the sentence: "Good morning, Monroe! I hope you haven't had a very busy day", confused me again. Morning with busy day? The fact that you have long descriptive paragraph and you take times to explain what's going on might confuse the reader because we think that a lot of time has passed (the car drive) when it was just several minutes. The same thing is going on when harry woke up: how many time passed from the moment he got out of his bed until he sat in the car?
One final thing just for fun: Harry brushed his teeth before having breakfast?!? (where the point in brushing his teeth then?)
To conclude a very nice chapter that I too enjoyed reading. Again I feel like you've really worked on your story (impressive description of American Wizards community and police forces by the way)
I'll read the others chapter but not right away ^^. I might post a review but I don't think they will be as long as the first two. If that's what you were waiting for, feel free to ask for more. Report Review
First I hope this is your new chapter but it seems so as your story has been updated on November 2nd. Second I'm afraid I will not write as well as you in this review but I hope you'll understand my point.
I really like your chapter. I like an atmosphere when I read a story and that's exactly what you did. I can imagine a flight like hell with such a boy.
I like how you introduce your character. We recognize Harry right away but until I knew the names of the other (and the surname) I couldn't find who it was and it was great. The fact that you use another person to introduce your characters is well done. Descriptions are always difficult to make and yours flow smoothly as if it was normal they should be there.
I could totally imagine an obnoxious woman like Peggy Cunningham asking question out of curiosity and without thinking that she could bother others. And the way she described her son when she had spend the entire flight shouting after him. The father's reaction, priceless ^^.
I think you characterization is very good. Each character is deep and thoroughly thought and different from the others. Harry is well understood and well written especially when he looked out of the window to avoid being congratulated. I like Richard Everett. I see him as a strict but reliable person and the fact that you compare him with Moody makes me think that he should be like him: a good person, someone you can trust but need to win the trust and work hard.
The reason why they are in America and why America didn't help Britain in its time of need is well thought. I just would have liked having more explanation. I feel like we missed something. Maybe there is more to it that what you showed us here.
There are few things I didn't understand or that puzzled me. First was the reaction of Michael and Zacharias towards Ricky. You use very strong words such as "horror" and I just can't imagine a young boy producing such a reaction in an adult (or two).
Another thing is the fact that they are not allowed to do magic. I can imagine that in a plane with Muggles. But you said that Zacharias finally convinced Michael to perform one. I suppose it's to make Ricky sleeps but it was difficult to understand. As you wrote first that the boy is asleep then that Michael performed forbidden magic (on who? What magic?).
Last thing is about the three boys' discomfort with flight. You wrote that the three boys had been raised with magic and for me it means that they are both be born and raised in a Wizard family which is not the case with Harry for the first ten years of his life. Then it doesn't really give them a good excuse for their discomfort. I can imagine Arthur Weasley being overjoyed at flying while some Muggles are scared.
To conclude, the strong feeling that I get with that chapter is that you really work on your story: the writing, the plot, the character, the word used, etc. and I like it. It feels like you want to create a good work and it's enjoyable to read it. Report Review
As much as I liked the second chapter I can't say the same thing for this one. This chapter seemed rushed and like a first version. It seems you wrote it and posted it without double check. First there is a problem with the formatting. Then you have too much typos that even me who don't check them can't do but notice them: Slytherine, Victorie, etc. I was a little disappointed. With you two first chapters I was prepared for a good third chapter that I didn't get.
In your first paragraph I think there were too many repetitions: "she had to do", "nothing to do", "she could do". And you write again those sentences with Teddy and Victoire's talk (that I like I want to add).
Second thing and just a question: Where they thinking about playing cards in the library? It's just something that for me seems weird. And also when you say that all Slytherin boys' fathers were Death Eaters, isn't that a little too much? More like a cliché? Because if they are Victoire's age or Teddy's their fathers should be around Harry's age or older. In that case, you can't say that a majority were Death Eaters. Of course some might have been but a lot of them were not. They were just thinking that Voldemort was right but not actually helping him or being in close contact with him. Voldemort was picky in his followers especially his Death Eaters.
As for the plot I like it. I don't know where it leads but I like how you manage to write glimpse of it and we wonder what will happen. Is it about Victoire or is it about Teddy? So far we know there is a reason to Victoire's fear, Teddy knows about it, Victoire tries to forget about it, McGonagall had tightened security, the Slytherins are up to something against Teddy or Victoire or both and we don't know where Teddy is. Nice presentation of your plot: three chapters to give more questions than clues.
To conclude I want to say that you have a good story in hand: the plot seems interesting, you make the readers wonder and manage to create a suspense. Your third chapter needs to be looked upon to reach the second chapter level and apart from the things I already pointed out I like your story so far. Keep writing and once you add a chapter or repost the third one ask for a review ^^. (good luck if you're doing NaNoWriMo).Author's Response: This chapter is the only one of the three that hasn't been beta'd. I was going to wait until after NaNo to get one but when I get stuck on NaNo I've been finding it helps me a lot to write this, so I ended up writing two more chapters (one which I have not posted yet). One my Microsoft word I just noticed that the auto-mated typo corrector thing I have is programmed to change 'Victoire' to 'Victorie'. Thanks for pointing that out, or the next two chapters would have had that too! I actually might PM you about the formatting thing, because it happens to me randomly all the time when I post chapters, and they have the exact same format as the last one...it's really confusing. As this is my first ever story, I can obviously assume it's something I'm doing not the site.
I'm glad you like Teddy and Victoire's sentences though, because it takes me a long time to write them. I know this is supposed to have some romance in it, but I feel like I just want to cut to the case and start with the action scenes, something I can't do because well, that just doesn't really work with my plot line. =/
And well, now that you say it, I have no idea why they're playing cards in the library...I kind of forgot they were there. I know you're probably reading this response thinking something along the lines of 'of boy, she obviously has a lot to learn' but it's true. And obviously, my intentions were not clear enough about the Slytherin boy; I was trying to say that Derrick's father was a Death Eater, not all the Slytherin's parents. I'm trying to avoid the whole clichÃƒÂ©d situation here, but I need readers to know this about Derrick, for reasons which I obviously can't explain now.
The clue's will start coming in on the next chapter, I'm having a difficult time deciding if I should give some of the answers away or wait one more chapter...it's where I'm stuck on the fourth chapter right now actually. I'm very pleased that you seemed to have liked a lot of my second chapter and I'll be re-editing this tonight then going to find myself a good beta.
Your reviews were wonderful!! Thanks a ton.
I've read the first two chapters and I'm here to review the second chapter ^^.
I will not talk about the first chapter but I just want to say that this one is better. Sentences flow better, there are more dialogues. I know that it's difficult to write dialogue when you're reflecting on someone thoughts but sometimes your first chapter was a little difficult to read (at least for me) because of long paragraphs.
Secondly, bad luck for you I'm French :). While I'm happy that you used French in your story I'm quite annoyed that you used it badly. I know that it's difficult when you don't know the language but here you've obviously asked an online translator. I could translate it back into English literally and unfortunately it doesn't work that way. "You have no idea what you're talking about"= "Tu ne sais pas de quoi tu parles" (if you're talking to one friend) = "Vous ne savez pas de quoi vous parlez" (if you're talking to several friends or if you're talking to someone you have to address with respect). Next time, what I advice is for you to ask someone on the forum and someone who is French or speaks French and not an online translator. You can ask me if you want. You have to take care of others language as much as you care about writing in English. That way it will look like you really have make effort to write in a language you don't know.
The second thing that bothers me is the descriptions of your characters. I thing you introduce well nearly each character. Descriptions were easy to read and not boring except for Victoire's. I found it a little too long and as if it came out of nowhere. First I thought you were going to describe her while she was looking at her figure in the mirror. I like when you write "Her deep, chocolate brown eyes stared back at her as she began to brush through her long silvery hair." It flows easily and we understand the reason why we have the description. But then the second paragraph could have been done in the same way. I think it would have been best if you have talked for example of her legs because she was scrutinizing her figure in the mirror to see if she was dressed perfectly. As it is, it's seem coming out of nowhere as if you wanted to describe her no matter what and you wrote this paragraph just to be sure it was there.
Then the other thing that bothers me in your description is the look of your characters. If I summarise it well: the three girls are tall, beautiful and nice. I'm quite puzzled with that. I can understand that Victoire is good looking, having Veela genes. But I think you overdid it. I think you tried to point out Victoire was not perfect but you contradict yourself. Once she is very tall and taller than most guys at Hogwarts which is not that uncommon but then she is smaller than her friend Samantha. That means that Samantha is very tall (Teddy size?) and two tall girls being friends it starts to be a little too much. Then you use words such as "perfectly oval blue eyes", "her famous dazzling smiles", "She had a sort of natural beauty to her and never wore makeup, and when she did, it looked flawless and natural", "same perfect shade", "hair effortlessly bouncy". Descriptions like that can't be natural. It seems like someone who is envying them. You use too much superlatives and that makes your descriptions non natural. You should adopt a more neutral tone and let the reader makes his own choice.
Sorry if I'm not that nice. It doesn't mean I didn't enjoy reading your story because I did but I prefer pointing out what bothers me instead of just rambling about nothing constructive.
I'll talk about your plot more thoroughly in the next chapters. But with that chapter it's seem that you're off to a good story.Author's Response: Wow!! I was really hoping you were going to give me a critical review, and you have, thanks!
All right, now down to business. I'm glad the sentence flow was better in these two chapters, they had a lot of re-writing to them and I'm glad that you could tell. As for the French, I didn't use an online French translator, but a friend from school who is taking it as an elective, which obviously isn't much better. Thank you so much for your offer; I'll probably have to hold you to that. :)
You're right when you say Victoire's description was there because I wanted to make sure I described her, no matter what. That's another paragraph I just highlighted in red for re-editing. I'm glad that you liked the first part of the description though.
And *sigh* I tried not to but I think I've created three little Mary-Sues...all with height problems! Samantha is supposed to be shorter than her, that was definitely a typo. When I saw people complaining about Mary Sue's on the forum's I got a character analysis chart and tried to make you there was at LEAST one valid thing to hate them/get annoyed with them for. But I forgot to do that in the look section. The characters looks are based on two girls I once knew, and when you say it looks like they're being described by someone who is jealous of them, that sounds about right. So I'll focus on writing from a friend's point of view instead.
And donÃ¢Â€Â™t worry, you were very nice, because without this these errors would still be there after re-editing again, and it would be mean if you saw them and didn't point them out! (That's always been my opinion anyways.)
Thanks so much. Report Review
Yesterday after reading your story I suddenly remembered something that could be a little confusing. As Iâ€™ve already reviewed the latest chapter I decided to add a review to the chapter in which there was a confusing part. Actually it wasnâ€™t really that chapter but as I didnâ€™t want to write a spoiler for the readers in case they read reviews, Iâ€™ll add it there.
Anyway, in the third chapter you explained why Nyah is now sleeping in the attic. The reason why she left the servant quarters was because Mrs Cleary got scared of Nyah doing magic. But in this chapter we learn that Mrs Cleary is a witch. So I was wondering why she was so scared. She can be surprised but scared to the point of screaming and wanted to leave might be a little too much.
I wanted to share my thoughts ^_^
Have a nice day! Report Review
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