I'm rather enjoying you story so far, although I do have to say that I've found a rather large number of cliches. Sirius/Lily's friend, Remus/Lily's friend, Peter/nobody. That's all fine, but, you just see it in a lot of fics.
Also, I'm questioning Danielle's character. She seems overly perfect. Nice, innocent despite her alluring looks, smart, gorgeous, the target of the enemy. It's just all been done before. I could see this as a really good story if you just shake it up a bit.Author's Response: Okay, i know what you mean, and yes, i agree that it is quite clichéd, but hey, sometimes writing a clichéd story can be fun! I remember that alot of times throughout writing my story, i'll read back and think 'Ohh, that's a bit TOO much' or 'Wow, that's sounds corny' but stories aren't perfect, expecially mine, and that's why i enjoy writing it so much! x)
And with Danielle's character - the 'perfect, beautiful one' - i know that's always done, but Danielle isn't as perfect as everyone thinks. Actually, to tell the truth, the chapter after the next is being written and that goes into Danielle's life before Hogwarts. I decided to write that for two reasons, one: It's fun to add drama lol and two: at one time during the first few chapters of my story, i began thinking Danielle was too perfect so i had this idea in my head to write of her not-so-perfect life before starting Hogwarts. Lol, i know i waited a little too long before deciding on the chapter which would be about her but i had to continue on with the whole 'Miss. Perfect 1976' thing. x) Report Review
Good first chapter, I think. Only a few things I want to point out.
Petunia Dursley has blond hair, not black.
Also, while so much better than some things I've seen around here, your dialogue puncuation and grammar need a bit of touching up.
Also, it seems to be commonly mistaken that Sirius is a playboy, though evidence in the books contradicts that. In the fifth book, during O.W.L.s, a girl was swooning, and Sirius didn't even notice.
I'm not sure about Peter being a complete of an idiot as you make him. Yes, it's true, he does often get in the way and isn't quite like the others, but you made him seem rather dumb. (Of course, it's funny, so, just keep it like that. =])
Just another thing, I noticed that you made Lily rather perfect. Tall, thin, gorgeous, scarily smart. I suggest adding a few bad qualities, just to make her seem a little more human. In the books, I didn't exactly get the feeling that she was perfect, I've actually always imagined her as rather short, but, I don't know, that's just me. You may see her as tall.
Also, you used the spell 'Evanesco' to clean Lily up. I suppose that could work, but 'Scourgify' might fit a little better.
Finally, there was a lot of dialogue in this chapter. It's not such a bad thing, but sometimes a little more detail is good. It's better when the reader is showed what is happening rather than told.
After all that, I thought this was a really great start. It seems like it will be intresting and I can't wait for some more character and plot develpment.Author's Response: hey! thanks so much for all your tips! are you sure petunias hair is blonde? hmmm...ill have to check on that. in the movie it was black. lol.
theres a lot more plot dvelopment coming, its not all just random chapters coming up. i;m just getting into the story, you know how it is. lol.
but thank you so much for your review!
lexi Report Review
Okay, your grammar was basically alright, excpet for a few slight errors.
I have to say, I really like the idea of the locket. It's like a really, really blunt foreshadowing. Is it possible that the locket is wrong? Now that would be a twist.
I think that Ron and Harry were in character with the Malfoy attack, but Hermione wasn't as much. I think that she would either be extremely freaked out about the locket, or try to disprove it with one of her theories.
I can't wait to read on!Author's Response: i totally agreed with you about the Hermione thing and i knew about the grammar errors, but the locket thing... well you'll just have to wait and see. Report Review
This could be very good, but it was extremely rushed. The word count was 870, and could probably expanded to 2000, at least, if written out in more detail.
The dialogue was a bit choppy and it made hard to understand.
You should probably run this by a beta. But seriously, this would be really interesting if you took the time to write it out.Author's Response: sorry. I just needed to get this story out of my system. I know it probably could be better. And it was my first story. sorry you didn't enjoy it. Report Review
Congradulations, you've just recieved a review that you can respond to with less than one sentence! (LOL) And you can actually read it because I type in whole words. (LOL again, I think.)
I liked it a lot, it was a cute like one-shot. But there are some things I need to point out.
I'd like to see a little more description. Everything is very rushed and unexplained and it would be a lot more interesting (not that it isn't now) and fun to read if we knew more about surroundings and feelings.
Just thought I should point out, 'Griffindor' is actually sppelt 'Gryffindor.'
I thought Ron and Harry's argument was rather funny, but it was abrupt how Ron's rambling, and Harry mentions that he thinks Ron fancies Hermione. Yes, had Ron been acting like he was trying to cover it up, then it would have been normal for Harry to say that, but it seemed like Ron was genuinly agitated. I suggest that you re-write the paragraph where Ron is complaining about Hermione but make it sound more sa if he's saying that just to cover up that he likes her.
When Harry and Ron are talking after R/Hr's kiss, Ron tells Harry that he's right. Maybe it's just me but when Harry goes, 'I was? About what?' it makes it seem like he thinks he's stupid. Like I said, maybe it's just me, but Harry's really not dumb or slow, he's actually pretty smart, he just doesn't like to do his work.
The characters seemed a little different than they are in the books. Of course, it's different in JKR's books because they're very plot focused, meaning we don't really see their personalities in their down time, which can make them seem a little out of character when you see them in one-shots like this.
I suggest that you get a beta. There are a few minor errors (like your dialogue is written incorrectly) here and there. Nothing terribly huge that makes in unreadable, but still there were a few things. You may want to try PerfectImagination, they have accredited betas who specialize in Harry Potter.
The fact that Ron finally kissed Hermione in the middle of a screaming match in the middle of the Great Hall is a bit cliched, but it is important to the story. Maybe you could have it that Ron and Hermione were behind one of those one way windows but actaully the entire school is looking. But, where would you find one of those in Hogwarts?
The fact that Ron and Hermione liked the kiss, doesn't mean they love each other, you should have something else. Maybe the felt a shock or something that makes them really think. Pondering something as complex as love really needs a sparker to make people actually consider it.
In the last little section, it mentions that Harry saw Ron on the Maruarder's map. The next sentence shows him there. Maybe you should have a little interlude in between, even if it just says, 'Harry walked up to the astronomy tower.'
When you describe Ron and Hermione's second kiss you use the word passionately. If it trully is passionate, go into depth, not grossly, but explain how they felt and what made it so passionate, otherwise just take out the passionate and end the sentence after kiss.
I love Ron's last line, perfect way to end a funny story!Author's Response: wow.
i think this is the longest review known to man. it's a friggin novel!! lol.
i really appreciate that you took the time to write this.
but im not going to make any major changes in my story for a while. im going to be totally swamped from now until September. Im going to europe for a month and then after that I have work, friends and pick up and drop off my younger siblings at their various day camps.
I know that I need to be more descriptive. Thanks for pointing that out. And I know my spelling sucks. But what can I say? Im fifteen and I just graduated my freshman year of high school. I think I have a little more time to improve my spelling skills don’t you?
I liked ron and harry’s scene. Of course ron was agitated, hermione had been yelling at him! And when harry says “I was? About what?” doesn’t mean that he’s slow. He just wasn’t thinking about the convo.
Of course the characters are different from the books!!!! I didn’t write the books!!!!! I don’t have j.k rowling’s writing abilities! Jeez
Im not going to get a beta. This story was a one time thing. Just for kicks. It’s just a hobby. Im not a trekkie. I play field hockey and tennis. I go shopping and surfing. I love to run and play and be active. It’s not like I sit in my house all day in front of my computer thinking “hmmm... how can I make my story better today?” I mean seriously. I HAVE A LIFE.
Ron and hermione’s kiss in the great hall was the whole plot of the story! If I change that it would ruin it! I’d have to re write the whole thing! And why would the whole school be standing in a clump in front of a one way mirror?
And how do you know that ron and hermione don’t love each other? I think that they’ve always loved each other. And besides, saying “I love you” sounds a whole lot more interesting than “I LIKE you.” and I don’t have time to be pondering the complexities of love. Not my idea of fun. sorry.
I liked using the word passionate. And aren’t you the one who just told me to be more descriptive???? seriously!! Make up your mind!!!! my sister, my friend, my sister, my friend...
Well im glad you liked my story. Thanks for analyzing it for me. xoxox lexi
Ok, I like your idea for the story, it could be very intersting.
One thing I could do without was the language. There are other ways to express anger than swearing. Possibly one or two words are ok, but you had more than was needed. Also, I don't see Hermione as one to swear. If I were you, I'd edit that part out. It would make the story sound more appealing. Report Review
In the third paragraph, you've written, 'her voice cracking softly as she spoke.' It might be written better like, 'her voice cracking slightly as she spoke.' It's kind of hard for me to associate the word softly with cracking.
Fourth paragraph, 'she could feel the tears trickling down her neck.' Usually when you cry, you can feel the tears fall down your face, not your neck.
Just a question, how did Ron get to the Girl's Dormitory?
This was a very sweet story. It was just kind of abrupt that Hermione thought she loved Ron. But, since this was a one-shot, it's rather hard to explain it so much. Maybe you should expand this story? It would be kind of nice to see them through the relationship. (I mean expand it fromk when they first got together, then after the point in this story. Do you know what I mean?)
One more thing to point out, I doubt that Ron has loved Hermione since he was a first year. It's a bit young. I mean, yes I suppose it's possible, but I would tend to think that maybe a few years later, after he's gotten to know her.
You've made a banner for me before, and I was wondering if you could make another one, for a different story.Author's Response: Thanks for your review. I'll go back to the story and try to fix some of the things that you pointed out. Ron got into the girl's dormitory because he came looking for her(but now that I remember from the book-boys can't get in). The reason that you thought it was abrupt was because so many things were happening at once e.g. the continous fighting and Hermione could only think of one reason why-because she loves Ron. And Ron and Hermione have nearly known each other for six years now, and there has obviously been some feelings developed there, but I'll take your advice and go back to the story. Thanks so much for the review and advice! And I'll gladly make you a banner. Thanks again, hpphoenix. Report Review
Your sentence-...looked like he didn’t dare talking in front of one of the most looked-for wizards in the world. Sounds rather odd, and a bit childish in the way you wrote it. It could sounds better like-...didn't dare talk in front of one of the most-wanted wizards in the world.
Also, it was a bit confusing, but, does Snape plan to include Remus in his evil doings? Let me say right off the bat, unless you imperiused him (but he could probably fight it off) there will be NO way that Remus would help. He's lost too many because of Voldemort and his evil followers.
There were also a few minor errors, but nothing else I thought too major.
This could be an intersting story, and I would like to see where you go with it.Author's Response: Thank you for your assistance :) Report Review
Also, I've got the same problem as Hermione. I'm not sure really why she would care. In HBP, much seems to be wrong with Draco and Hermione doesn't have a care in the world about it.
Also, it seems that it would be a bit out of character for Hermione to lead Ron on even if she's having the tiniest doubts. Hermione is a very upfront person.
I'm not exactly sure what getting up closing the bathroom door behind her has anything to do with thinking.
It seems very abrupt that all of a sudden she thinks she may want to be with Malfoy. Usually looking into their eyes doesn't make you fall madly in love with them.
Ron seems to have over-reacted a bit. i hardly think that he would ask Hermione about marriage while they;re still in Hogwarts, he does have sense, and if he did, i highly doubt he'd go insane and start telling Hermione that he didn't know why he asked, just because she wouldn't tell him something. If he really loves her something like that would just make him try harder, not less.
I'm sorry, but I can't picture Ron crying himself to sleep. He just doesn't strike me as that kind of person, at least, not over something that small. Maybe if hermione died, he would.
One final thing I need to point out, is that in the story, you gave me the feeling that Hermione likes Malfoy, but at the end, you sort of countered it and made me feel that her sole purpouse is to help him.Author's Response: I didn't get most of your review back there, sorry for the wicked last answering back by the way, but the story has been given a tweak down and once the story is finished and done, hopefully the greater version of this story will bloom.
But thank you for reading and reviewing the story. It was much appreciated. Report Review
Nice start, I love the way you have the best friend's kid's hating each other. (Wow that was confusing.) Do the Potters and the Weasleys all live in the same house though? Author's Response: Nope, they don't live in the same house. They spend the first half of the summer in Harry's house and the second part of the summer in Ron and Hermione's. They also spend they're Cristmas holidays at the Burrow. Thanks for the review! Report Review
It's pretty good, though I would have liked to see more of Harry and Ginny reuniting. But of course, that's not exactly the point of this story. I can't wait to see the plan.Author's Response: Yah I know but don't expect too much it is only my first story. Thanks though. I'll update a.s.a.p! Report Review
I like the concept, but I'm not really sure what happened and what was with the medallion. But the writing was really good. I wanted so bad to see what it was. I think if you made this a little longer and explained it better, it would be a little better.Author's Response: I'm goin to update most of my stories soon - hopefully look them over and put right everything i think i did wrong
Reviews help me see what you want to see. Report Review
There were a few spelling errors, nothing major. It really is just bit surprising to me that Harry and Ginny got over this so well. It seems that something like this would be huge.Author's Response: well, they were in the hospital for a long time...Ginny didn't get better over night, so she had time to get over it then...i guess i can't make everyone happy Report Review
Doesn't Harry know that Ginny had a daughter? Surely the Weasleys would have told him. Also I would think that the people on the train might be a little worried that there was a bloody bruised girl on the train. I'm also pretty sure that 'Sara' was 'Grace/Lucy' you may want to go back and fix that. I'm glad it was Ron that found them. The dialogue brtween Ron and Lucy is a little confusing.Author's Response: This chapter will deffinatly be edited. Report Review
Who old is Nicoley? She must be at least 11 if she has a wand. But that doesn't really make sense since Lucy is only 6. And how does Lucy know that harry could make things happen without a wand? It also seems a little weird that a taxi would stop for three little girls. This story is so captivating!Author's Response: Sorry. It's going to be edited, but you have to admit that fairy tale land is a fun place to sit. Report Review
Didn't Lucy make the connection with Sophie's last name and her own last name. Last chapter Voldemort told her that her last name was Weasley and the paper said that was what Sophie's last name was too. Ah, so Harry has come. He doesn't know that it's Ginny does he? The way you put the conversation between Ginny and Harry is a little confusing though. Also you spelt 'Dumbledoor' wrong, it's spelt, 'Dumbledore.' Author's Response: Okay thanks, I'll take that into consideration while editing it. Report Review
Voldemort is manipulating her! What a wretched man! (Of course we already knew that.) Oh how terrible it must be for Lucy/Grace to have to hear all this horrible stuff about her parents. Of course, it's not true, but she doesn't know that. In what sick place in Voldemort's mind is Harry the evil murderer?Author's Response: I know, lol. This chapter killed my to write. Report Review
A few spelling mistakes but that doesn't really matter because they're not too bad. Oh goodness, poor Ginny, she must be absolutely panicking. I'd be going insane.Author's Response: Thanks. I will be editing this story as soon as possible and improving it greatly. I hope to hear from you once it's finished. Report Review
I already read this story once and I decided to come back and review it. I know who the father is, but even when I read it the first time I was I had an idea who it was. I love the way you keep it a secret, the reader is just wracking their brains trying to figure out who it is.Author's Response: Thanks so much. That's exactly what was trying to do. I think this story is so popular because of it's cliffies. Report Review
This was so touching. I like it because it wasn't one of those fics that make you cry, but you really get what the character is feeling. They're crying, they're miserable, loosing one person is tough, but two is tougher.Author's Response: Thanks! You've caught my stories message and just explained it perfectly. Report Review
I love the way you describe Horcruxes and splitting your soul makes you a partial person. I think it really describes what a Horcrux is. I'm not really sure why you put some words in bold though, they seemed to be out of place in bold type, I suggest possibly changing them back to normal type. I also like the way you have Ginny seeing that Riddle's diary was one of the Horcruxes, imagine how terrifying it would be to find out you were being controled by a part of someone's soul. Are you going to continue this? I'd love to see how it turns out.Author's Response: I'm really glad you enjoyed this! I really did try to describe the horcruxes (horcri? je ne sais pas...!), so I'm glad you appreciated my attempt! I have specific words in bold to emphasize them. Maybe I intended to emphasize and make words stand out that didn't stand out to you? Everyone is different, you probably saw other parts of this fic as being emphasized more strongly than others. I didn't realize the part about Riddle's diary was so impacting, thanks! And no, I am probably NOT going to continue this. But, you are the 3rd person to ask me for a sequel, so I might think about it. It could take a while to be inspired though, and I need inspiration and such for stories like these that are more complicated. Like, really wonderful inspiration, not mediocre. Okay, I'm rambling... Anywho, thanks so much for the review!!!! Glad you liked the story!!! love, glPiItTtAer Report Review
OK, once again I need to suggest that you get a beta. Your grammar was rather off as was the puncuation and the formatting is a little confusing without spaces beteween paragraphs. You spelt Hermione wrong once, but correctly the other times so I'm assuming it was a spelling mistake. Also, if you are following canon (which it seems to be since Dumbledore is dead) then Ron and Harry no longer take divination.
But so far, this is different than other twin stories I've read, because last chapter you actually explained why Harry has no idea he has a twin. Report Review
Is Tom Rodely the namesake of Tom Riddle? I know you said that Voldemort didnt have an alterego in this story, but maybe just a namesake with a criminal record like in the books. (OK, crimnal record may be putting it lightly) Is Harry's recent relapse (hearing Sirius) going to send him back to Hogwarts Sanitatium? Or is it something else?Author's Response: Thanks! And I'll answer your questions in the chapter reviews. Report Review
I'm afraid that the idea of Harry having a twin is not original, but very over-used. However, good authors can pull it off. Put all originaltiy possible into it, and consider finding stories that have the same idea and making sure your story differs from them. Also, you may want to consider the use of a beta. Your summary could also use work. It does not say much, does not entrace the reader to click the link to your story. You want to make the reader need to see what's inside. Report Review
Good chapter. I love the plot twists that you are constantly putting in, but you need to know when to say when. Plot twists are a great way to keep an audience captivated and on their toes. But you seem to be using them constantly, therefore defeating their purpose. I suggest, if you like plot twists, to use mini-twists that won't have a dire efect on the story. I know that I've repeated myself a bunch of times, but, misfortune after misfortune, eventually qualifies as normal, there's only so much you can milk a story for.Author's Response: Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing. Now that the niceties have been observed…I must say I hope the world never comes to expect misery because it has happened so many times before. Call me a romantic, but I believe in being positive and optimistic through anything. These “plot twists” are there to merely show how strong Ginny and Harry are. Where would we be if everything always worked out peachy? I guess I am bias on the situation, me being the writer and all, but I think youre mistaken about the situation. Report Review
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