I really think that you could have gone farther with this. There is hardly any emotion in the beginning of the story. All you use is dialogue, and it's not descriptive enough to let us in on what your characters are thinking. You need to elaborate a lot more. How did they get to where they are now? Why did Draco decided to tell her at that moment? Where are they? You leave too many questions unanswered, and so it is difficult to envision your scene.
However, your first paragraph in the wedding is absolutely beautiful. Your descriptions are much better here, but I still think that you could have built it up a lot more.
Also, just a technical issue, the entire story is in italics. Was this intentional? It's a little difficult on the eyes :)Author's Response: Thank you for the constructive criticism. I meant it to be quite detached. However, I see your point and will try and either re-write or add other chapters/stories to show the background and emotion.
Sorry for the italics; I didn't realise but I will fix it as soon as possible. Report Review
Make sure that you go back over your story summary. You used "if" instead of "of". It just looks sloppy, like you didn't put much thought into it.
Your writing style is pretty nice. There are a couple of poorly worded sentences such as "Some of the horror that his body pulsed with subsided with the relief that he was laying in his four-poster in his dormitory at Hogwarts, with Ron snoring peacefully in the bed beside his and Neville drooling on his pillow not far away." I understand what you're trying to say, but there are a lot of words to sort through first. I would try to be more concise.
Also, although I liked the different perspectives, I feel like you could have set it up better. If Ron's thoughts were primarily Harry, it would make for better consistency if Harry's thoughts were primarily his two friends. Still, I really liked the message you were sending. It really is a beautiful portrayal of how Ron stood by Harry. I also really commend you for creating a believable "missing moment". I absolutely can see this happening. Nice job! Keep writing! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the great comment. It's really nice hearing some critisism, since that's the only way I'm going to get better! This was my first try at fanfiction, so I'll defininately take your advice. Hah, the reason the perspectives were set up the way they were was because at first, the story was just of Harry. But it wasn't long enough to be submitted. So, being a prick, I was angry and I didn't want to change anything of the story I'd already written. Therefore, being set-up the way it is.
Thanks again! I hope you keep reading my stories and giving me more advice. Report Review
This is so adorable! I just loved how simple it was, and I always enjoy stories that don't really revolve around canon characters.
"He was Rolf Scamander, and he owned a giant purple lizard. What else did he need?"
-definitely my favorite line.
Well done! Thank you so much for making me smile today!Author's Response: I love minor characters! They let you use your imagination, same as the trio's kids. I can do pretty much whatever I want with them, and I like that. And I think your favorite line is mine also. ;) For me, that pretty much summed up Rolf right there. Thank YOU for making me smile today as well. Report Review
Haha, this was so silly, but I liked it! Very fluffy and fun!Author's Response: Aww thank you! That's what I was aiming for!:D
Glad you liked it! Thanks for the review!^.^ Report Review
VERY nice. Usually I don't think that so few words is enough for a story, but you really created a whole world in a short amount of time. Your descriptive writing is beautiful. And I do love me some Sirius/Lily once in awhile. SO angsty :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! :D Your review means a lot, it was great to read this. (:
-Jasmine Report Review
I think that "Missing Moments" are so under appreciated. I never really thought about the fact that Cho was probably question after Cedric's death. This was really short and simple, but you fit a lot into it. The only thing that I can critique is your ending. It doesn't tie anything together for me. I know it's a moment, but it's very abrupt. Very nice job, though! I enjoyed this :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I use to be one to stay away from missing moments, but I read a few that I loved and I couldn't stop. I am planning on going through all my one-shots this summer and making some corrections (most based on reviews) and one focus will be endings, so I will take another look at this!
:)BaletGir Report Review
The beginning of the chapter is already an improvement description-wise but you could go even further. Instead of having him see them right away, you could build the suspense up to that moment. Also, how did Albus see under the Invisiblity Cloak? Does he have some special power that we don't know about?
Although I understand that it is important for the tension of the relationship for Lily to be upset with Albus for turning them in, sneaking around at night doesn't really seem like something to wake the Head of the House for. I think this probably could have been combined with the first chapter. They just seem like fragments on their own. You have a great start. You just need to get your plot in motion a little bit more. Well done! :)Author's Response: Albus was holding the Marauder's Map, so he knew that Connor and Lily were hiding under the Invisibility Cloak! ;)
Once again, thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Your title is super cute and eye-catching! You should consider revising your summary because it won't let you finish the word "roller coaster". It just looks a little sloppy.
You have good grammar and spelling, but I think you need to concentrate a little bit more on detail. By the first break, there hasn't been much established about Lily. She could really be anything. If you go into more detail about that scene and why it's important, the reader would have a clearer picture in their head. Also, keep in mind that curses in the hallway would probably not go unpunished (even if that chick totally deserved it).
Also, what Dark Lord are you talking about? Voldemort has long since been defeated. If there's a new Dark Lord around (which would totallly be an interesting plot point) definitely go into detail about it. We humble readers cannot read your mind. Why are Lily and her brother fighting? Maybe it's not something that you wanted to reveal right away, but it's still too vague. I feel like you didn't move the plot forward, but I look forward to see where you go with the next chapter. Well done, though, for a first novel. It's much more advanced that many firsts that I've seen, grammar and spelling-wise :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm really thinking about editing this whole thing up, even though it's only 2 chapters, because it's extremly short and lacking detail. :/ Anyway, I'm glad you thought it was good for a first attempt! Report Review
Lovely job, dear! :)Author's Response: meow. thanks :) Report Review
HAHAHA. Sirius is an absolute genius (and by Sirius, of course, I mean you) with that truly excellent diversion.
Good God. You really like screwing poor Lily over, huh? She gets into the worst situations. I really loved how matter-of-fact she was about the kiss, though. Very realistic. And Adrian sounds like a jerk. Ick.Author's Response: hahaha i think that's been one of my favorite moments in the story so far. glad you liked it :) Report Review
Very cute. Possibly one the best chapter titles in the history of chapter titles, too.Author's Response: haha thanks love! Report Review
Hallo. 'Tis me, bringing you love and meows from prodigal reviewer/friend land. And with that introduction...
I love your attention to detail. Like, how you even described the state of Sweetie's uniform. It's done in a way that adds to the scene rather than dragging it down with too many words.
Oooh, my goodness. This is such a scandalous idea. I can already sense the drama that's building up because of these secrets. I feel it in my bones. Lovely job!Author's Response: haha thanks! Yeah, I always feel like i describe things too much but I'm glad you liked it! hooray! Report Review
It's me at last! :)
I noticed you were worried about religious themes! I don't think that's something you need to worry about, though I've totally been there. I was nervous when I posted my one-shot with religious themes, but in the end, I got pretty positive responses to it. I'm really excited that you chose a religious song for this challenge; I thought it was a pretty brave endeavor.
To begin with, I absolutely love the way that you've made Hugo the peacemaker. The way you describe his relationship with each member of the family was very enjoyable and sets the scene with a great characterization.Your story is so well-written, and it looks like you did a lot of research for this one-shot, and I really respect that. Your story really moves forward even though most of it is narrative.
"someone was always bound to be caught someone else snogging someone somewhere they shouldn’t be. " - That was a little bit confusing. I understand what you were getting, but the wording was a little bit difficult to interpret. Also, I was confused as to who would be kissing. They were all family, after all, unless there was infidelity going on.
"behind the desk pouring over the sc" - poring is the word you're looking for :)
(I'm just getting nit-picky here, but it's because your story has left me without much else to say.)
Absolutely lovely! I really enjoyed this story. It was so heartfelt and lovely. There are some little mistakes, but I was so wrapped up in the wonderful Christmas feeling at the end that I didn't even take too much note. Great job!!Author's Response: Helo!
I'm so glad that you gave me a religious song to work with. I think that, overall, they are easier to really incorporate the true meaning of christmas into for obvious reasons. I was nervous about it, but thought that on a whole, it turned out well.
I fell in love with Hugo while writing this. His character is so under-written across HPFF. It's wonderful to know that you enjoyed his character. As a whole, I'm thrilled to pieces that you liked this one-shot. I didn't do much research for this fic, but am tickled pink that you think I did. :)
Oh... that sentance. Yeah. It was awkward. I know. :( I meant that the younger cousins were bound to catch the older cousins hidden away somewhere snogging their significant others or another cousin's significant others. (Similare to James catching Teddy on the platform) I am a fan of Molly/Teddy and could imagine a bit of infidelity. Nit Pick away!!! Criticism is always wonderful... I'll be sure to fix that up as soon as I can. :)
Thank you so much for such a wonderful challenge and fur leaving such a wonderful review. They were both lovely!
-Melissa Report Review
I'm finally here!!
First of, it's not totally relevant, but your graphics are great! They really made me want to read your story, so great job choosing an artist. You actually mispelled his girlfriend's name throughout the story. It's Astoria, but that didn't really take away from the story too much. It's just something that you probably want to fix. I thought it was really sweet, but I was a little disappointed by the use of the song. I thought you kind of copped out by just letting her sing it. The song wasn't really used to propel the story, which is what the challenge intended. I also wish that there had been a little more conflict between Astoria and Draco. I liked the idea behind it, but I felt you would've done better off with "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" with this kind of story. However, I thought that it was sweet that she managed to change Draco's mind. It was definitely a story to spread holiday cheer! I hope you had plenty of your own. Thank you for joining my challenge! I really enjoyed reading your very merry story!Author's Response: Astoria/Asteria. For quite some time, there has been the question of how to spell the youngest Greengrass girl's name. I've seen it both ways and The HP Lexicon and JK Rowling also create some speculation to the "true" spelling. In another story of mine, I spell it with an 'o.' I haven't figure out which one I like better.
I'm glad you enjoyed my graphics. They are courtesy of lilyevanspotter. at TDA. She did a beautiful job and they are absolutely brilliant.
I completely understand where you're coming from in terms of how I used the song. It could have been better served as a precursor to the story or some other way. (I'm not really fond of song-fics so I tend to stray away from writing them.) Looking at the final product, "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" may very well have been a better song choice, but oh well. I do, however, enjoy the simplicity of my usage of the song.
I thank you, though, for your constructive criticism. Isn't that what it's all about anyway? To become a better writer through constructive criticism?
Thanks for the wonderful challenge. It certainly got me in Christmas spirit! :) Report Review
Nice job! I really liked the ending with Sirius Black. One thing that I think is a little bit problematic is that blind people can feel heat, just not see it. The conflict is very nice, though. Perhaps you could've gone into more detail, like who the person was that had asked, or how the clever man (especially since it was Fudge) felt before he was asked to answer the question. It just would've given it that extra edge. Great job, though! :)Author's Response: Wait, I actually have a review?? Sorry for taking so long to come back to this but I didn't advertise this fic at all, so I'm really surprised that someone reviewed it :P
First your second point: I didn't go that much into detail because this is a response to the 'Every Word Counts' Challenge, which says that the fic must have exactly 500 words but maybe I'll re-write it and add a few more details :)
As for your first point of critique, well to be honest that was just me not really thinking and I'll try and edit that part to make it fit better!
Thank you so much for reviewing!!!
Antje Report Review
Oh. My. Lord.
Pookha, when I saw you entered this challenge, I was like, "Great. He always does Horror and Angst well. This is sure to be good." Then I saw that your genre was Humor, and I was a little unsure of what to expect. What I got was a brilliantly executed tongue-in-cheek parody of some very silly cliches. I think this is excellent because you took the challenge and made it totally your own. Instead of something angst-ridden and dark, you created something utterly ridiculous and lovely. The last line especially was such a nice touch. Well done and thanks for giving me a big laugh! :DAuthor's Response: You're welcome for the big laugh. I just knew that I couldn't go with a serious story for killing Luna; and it had to be Luna who died, since it had to be our favourite character. I also thought, "Hmm, who would be least likely to actually get a classic fanon-style makeover?"
I'm glad you think that I took the challenge and made it my own with my own take on the silliness. I'm glad you liked the last line, too, as it seemed to need something ridiculous to round it out and that was ridiculous.
Thank you so much for the review and the compliments. It's always good to see a review from you. Report Review
So simple but very powerful. Stupid me, I didn't see the AU when I first looked, so I was kind of like, "Eighteen?" Well done, though! :)Author's Response: Wonderful review :wub: thank you so much! And yeah, I couldn't really figure out how to do it when she was older XD
-Sarah Report Review
Nice job! It got a little horomone driven, I thought, but I guess that's appropriate. I loved that you made her cry after Wesley broke up with her. It was a really realistic touch instead of making her bounce all around, happy that she could be with Sirius now. You're got a really fluid way of writing. :)Author's Response: "Hormone driven" I like that! Haha. Yes, it was, but I figure when you have a teenage character seeing someone as sexy as Sirius naked in the shower, it was bound to happen. I actually based Glyn's reaction to Wesley breaking up with her to one that actually happened to one of my friends. She was planning on dumping her boyfriend anyway but when he beat her to it, she still ended up crying her heart out. :c So, so sad.
Anyway. Thanks for saying I have fluid way of writing. That really means a lot to me. Along with the fact that you reviewed!
~TFM Report Review
I think it's well-written and the idea was definitely great. However, you want to be careful not to take too much of the story from Chicago. Something I would suggest would be to use the same word but change the story. I really like this idea, though! Very creative!Author's Response: Thank you! I think you're right about that, which is why I'm changing up the stories a little bit for the other girls. However, I still want to stay within the ideas of Pop, Six, Squish, Ah-Ah, Cicero, and Lipschitz, which is what the song is about. Report Review
Lovely! I'm so glad you didn't rush it and make them start smooching at the end. That's always a little too silly. I also loved the role of Kingsley. He's not shown very often, and you did a really nice job with him. Good story! Report Review
Nice job! Mundungus, what a little creep! I really enjoyed the part iwth the picture frame. I thought that was a nice touch. Well done! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much. I found this one quite hard to write, seeing as I have no interest or spark of liking for the character of Mundungus, so the fact it came out well is really great.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing. Report Review
Wow! If English isn't your first language, you definitely did a nice job! I don't know if the characterizations are totally right to me. I feel like Madam Pomfrey should've been a little more spastic, and Dumbledore should've been a little more odd. Still, it was a sweet idea. I don't think I've ever read a child!Harry story before, and this was very nice! :) Report Review
Nice job! I like that she has a rebellious spirit but does not feel that she could change anything. I also loved that she saw the blurred rain colors as Slytherin colors. Very nice touch there. This was a wonderful little look into the mind of Pansy. Your writing style is very nice! :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
I was hoping to get that across and wasn't sure if I had succeeded or not. And thank you for making aware that I had a writing style haha. =] Report Review
So beautiful. I love reading stories about minor characters. I love that you were able to show the soft side of him without pulling him completely out of character. This was such a delight to read, really. I loved, also, that he chose her because she was as alone as he was. Great job! :) Report Review
Beautiful! I never considered that Hermione wouldn't believe in heaven, but it makes sense, since she's a very fact-oriented person. The only part that struck me as weird was her response as an eleven-year old. I liked the idea of the question going through the years, but I think that kind of answer would've been better suited when she was thirteen or so. Great job, though! Very sweet! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection