You do know that now you have no choice but to finish the story, right?Author's Response: Hahahaha! I always planned on finishing it - this series is much more developed and planned than TFM. Forgot who said it, but quitters never win and winners never quit. I will finish this story even if it has to end in a burning, fiery, awful plot bunny apocolypse! Report Review
1. I hope Avery knocked her up and that they have evil and ambitious little demon spawn.
2. I love the Marauders.
3. I love the Marauders.
4. Have I mentioned I love the Marauders? Report Review
As usual, I love the witty banter. I'm curious to see what part Kinsey is going to play in the story and even more curious about how Angela managed to get a bug into Ash's apartment.Author's Response: Angela is probably going to be one of my most favorite characters to write (love to hate writing that is)... Glad you liked it. Report Review
Hahahaha. . . Loved the ending conversation with Sirius. I don't see them ever being together (thank God for that, I'd slaughter you if you wrote another story where he winds up with the main character), but it was funny how she had "beer" goggles. Also, I love Bellatrix and did I mention that Robert's grandma is uncannily like our own at times?
- Anders -Author's Response: Hahahaha! Nana Nott definitely has most of her personality drawn from good ole' Ret. I enjoyed writing the last segment as well because of the same reason. :) Report Review
Interesting. I think it might have been a bit better if you showed the way the other characters acted, instead of having Dianne think about the way all the other characters act. It's always better to show than to tell, since it keeps the reader more invested in the story.
Additionally, I didn't find Dianne to be funny or whimsical; just exceedingly obnoxious. It's fine if you want to show that this girl has no friends or social skills, but you may have gone a bit over board with it by stating several times that she was trying to be normal or failing at social skills.
- Anders -Author's Response: Thank you, when I get the time to, I will try to fix that. Report Review
One question: If this is the last time they're at Hogwarts why are you talking about Christmas? Or are they just leaving for Christmas break?
Overall, quite good and entertaining. You know how much I love the characters. :)Author's Response: Oh Heather, you should know that it's the last time they're at Hogwarts... have you read the previous 12 chapters? In chapter 7 or 8 they mention the inventory of goods that Sirius keeps... specifically the Christmas crystal. Also, there is mention of the "glorious end of the year prank" in chapter 10 or 11. Report Review
Hehehehehe. . . Ash amuses me to no end. And I'm going to be that obnoxious reader for a moment: Post more often!
- Anders -Author's Response: Chapter 13 is all ready waiting to be validated! Ash amuses me too; I'm so glad she popped up in my head. Report Review
You're doing a great job on the sequel. I read the original when you first wrote it and, despite the fact that I'm a stickler for canon, it's one of my favorites. It's tough to try and find quality stories anymore, so I just want to say thanks for writing a sequel!
- Anders -Author's Response: Thank you for the kind words, but unfortunately neither my wife or son have been enjoying the best of health recently. This has meant a hiatus for publishing the story although I have thoroughly sketched out what remains.
I'll get there eventually! Report Review
Hehehe. . . Horny dragon. That line totally reminded me of Shrek.
You have a talent for comedic writing. The dialogue in this chapter was wonderful as always and I greatly enjoyed Peter's bragging.
- Anders -Author's Response: Thanks! I thought you would enjoy Peter! ;) Report Review
I love drunk Sirius. That is all.
- Anders - Report Review
You know how much I adored Alex Burton. . . but I have to say that I think I love this story more. You're writing has really matured over the years and Ash occasionally reminds me of Alex. It's the best of both worlds!
- Anders -Author's Response: Thank you sister-dear. She is a tad like Alex. :) Report Review
One of the best written one-shots (or fanfics in general) I've found on this site. It didn't really strike me as belonging to the Harry Potter realm, but not all stories need to be saturated with magical terms and spells. I think you did a good job at trying to get inside Helen's mind (unless you were basing a different character off of Helen) and figure out what she would have been thinking while in Troy with Paris. I think you ended it at just the right moment as well and that it was good that you didn't try to stretch the ending out more. It seems very natural and realistic.
Overall, very good job. You should be very proud of yourself for writing something that melds beauty, confusion, and desire so well. (Plus, mythology is a personal interest of mine and I rather enjoyed reading "The Iliad"). :)
- Anders -Author's Response: Wow, thank you! I think you should do more reading if I could ever match up to the legends that are on HPFF, but it's awfully flattering of you to say that. I agree that this isn't exactly Harry Potter fanfic per se, but the thought process, to me, is what counts, and I always approached the story with the idea that these were canon characters. I wasn't writing exactly about Helen and Paris, merely relating the characters here to the mythological ones, but I'm glad you liked it. And I'm also happy that you mentioned the ending; I never know when I'm ending something and have to keep writing until I've hit the right line.
Sadly, I've never read The Iliad, but intend to. I did like this piece, but after this, I'm much more partial to it. Thank you very much for this lovely review! :) Report Review
Grammar: see my previous reviews. I didn't see as many spelling mistakes this time which is good. I don't know if you use spell check or not, but it can be useful (although you can't trust it to catch everything, something I need to work on myself). I would have liked this chapter better if the actual acting was acted out by the characters and not put into Italics. I think it would have made it more realistic in a way, since the focus should be on Alesha and Sirius, not on two people from the 1500's whose only importance to the story is the play that's based off them. I can see how it might be easier for you to do it that way (and how it may not confuse the reader), but it would be more realistic if done differently. Additionally, Alesha and Sirius seem to get so annoyed with each other that it's a bit over the top. Maybe you could add more dialogue where they're just annoying one another before they get so angry. I was going to talk about Henry's sisters being combined into one character, but since you're basing it off the tv show I won't (although, when I heard that, it made my eye twitch a bit. I don't think viewers would have had that much trouble telling the sister and daughter apart). Other than that, the dialogue is mostly good and the characters are interesting.
- Anders -Author's Response: Yes, you're right. You can never trust spell check that's why even when I use it, everything it tells me is wrong is right and what's right is wrong. That's why I'm really considering getting a beta for my story. I'm glad there weren't as many spelling errors *phew* xD
I did consider putting Mary in the play too but in the end I decided not to because she didn't play as big as a part as other characters.
About the dialogue I guess I chose to make it easier for the reader rather than more realistic. I myself find it easier to read this way because if I made the actual characters say the lines themselves I would have got confused on who was saying what and what character was playing who.
Thanks for the review and the amazing help, I really appreciate it!
x Report Review
“Her and Potter” should be “She and Potter.” “For” should be “with.” “Though” should be “thought.” “Me and James” should be “James and I.” Comma use. See my review for the previous chapter. Why would pure-bloods know about muggle religions or muggle history? With describing the Marauders, I would remove most of the physical descriptions and leave in the personality descriptions. You can add in the physical later on. You do have some nice bits in there about them though, like “had a huge smile that could just make your kneels turn into jelly.” Very descriptive. The reader gets a real idea of what his smile is like, which is, actually, more important than how tall they are. “Wandered” should be “wondered.” You accidentally put down Henry VII in the paragraph after Sirius claims his idea of love is different from Henry VIII’s. Your writing is still a bit choppy for my tastes and I think that has to do with the grammar. There were spelling mistakes (I pointed some out above), but not many. Technically, Henry VIII didn’t need a male heir. He already had two daughters, Mary and Elizabeth, who could have been his heirs as well as a bastard son Henry Fitzroy (while it’s unlikely he would have been accepted as King, descendants of bastards, including Henry VII, have become monarchs before). The only reason he wanted a son was because he thought a woman was unfit to rule, despite the success of his first mother-in-law Queen Isabella, and because he thought a woman ruler would plunge the country back into a civil war like the War of the Roses (or with Empress Matilda a few centuries before he ruled). His reasoning, therefore, wasn’t valid nor was it entirely sane. He was a young boy without rules who grew into a spoiled man with no sense of right or wrong. All he cared about was himself and any semblance of love he had for a woman depended on her giving him what he wanted. The moment she no longer could or would do that was the moment he stopped loving her. Additionally, there is no concrete evidence to support the claim that Anne really loved Henry. She may have, but it’s just as likely that she was looking to climb the ranks of British nobility by securing the best marriage for herself that she could.
::Grins:: I've read practically every book I could get my hands on concerning Henry VIII (and the Tudors in general) for the past seven or eight years. Sorry!
- Anders -Author's Response: That's fine. To be honest I love your review because you actually give me some constructive criticism and give me some work to do, which I prefer to the ususal 'I loved it, update soon' because that does NOT help me at all.
I'll make sure to review my grammar, I'm considering getting a beta which is probably a good idea. That way I can make my writing flow better and have less mistakes. But thanks again for pointing out the mistakes, i'll correct them.
About Henry VIII heir I thought that the only reason why he had so many wives was because most of them didn't give him what he wanted, like you said. For example Katherine of Aragon she gave Henry a daughter Mary but he wasn't happy because he thought women were unfit to rule and only a male heir would be the right person to rule England. As for Anne, I think that to begin with she didn't actually love him but only agreed to be his mistress because of the pressure her family was putting on her after her sister's Mary failure. I believe she might have grown to love him even though the fact that he was the King was always going to be a huge factor.
I've been doing some reasing myself about 'The Tudors' but because some of the reasoning behind their actions are a bit complicated I decided to use the TV series as a basis for my story as there everything is explained clearly.
Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it.
x Report Review
Not bad. I like the way you described Blaise being so frantic over El not being in her room. I don't think that a 3 year-old would just shrug off someone using an angry tone with them though. They would at least say something or acknowledge that the person was angry by asking them if they were angry. There were a couple of misspelled words, but not many and the grammar seemed as if it was alright as well. It's still not really my type of story, but it is sweet to see a slightly different side to Blaise at times. Good job.
- Anders -Author's Response: thank you very much for the honest review. i need to edit this chapter so thanks for the error message. i appreciate you taking the time to review this story very much. Report Review
So, apparently there is a 6,000 character limit to reviews. So I'm only sending you a small portion. I'll see about sending the entire thing to you through a message or something.
- Anders -Author's Response: aww thank you!!! when will you send it, i don't think I've gotten it yet? Report Review
First paragraph: This may just be stylistic of me, but I would put a semi-colon after Alesha’s last name instead of a comma. Its part of the same thought, but not part of the list like the names are. Additionally, I would remove the comma after [brunette] and replace it with a period or another semi-colon.
Second, Third, and Fourth Paragraphs: I don’t think you really need to describe the three girls in so much detail. I know you’re trying to show how beautiful they are, but I think it distracts the reader to have to go through all that information concerning how they look. Instead, maybe you could mention one or two things and then sprinkle the rest throughout the other chapters? That way the reader gets the whole idea of what they look like, but it’s not so overwhelming. Having all that information in there also slows down the flow of the story. Or you could replace some of the information concerning them with whispered conversations of fellow students when they walk by or something. You get the information in there, but it comes from actual characters (not the narrator) meaning that it holds more weight in the reader’s mind. Also, you may want to focus less on the physical attributes and more on the personalities of the girls. You have a nice balance, but talking about the make-up and hairstyles is slightly irrelevant at times. It’s much more interesting to read about what type of people they are, then what they look like, plus it allows for the readers to use their imaginations a bit.
Fifth Paragraph: I would remove either [broke her] or [destroyed her]. They both pretty much imply the same thing. You may want to add an [and] in between [Alesha] and [into], as well as removing the comma. It seems a bit choppy with the comma. You may want to consider changing [He knew her acting …]. It doesn’t really flow with the rest of the line or paragraph. You could just remove that one part and start the line with [He studied her for years …]. [Crumbled] doesn’t seem like a strong enough word for what you’re describing. A word like [crushed] or [conquered] might work better. You repeat the phrase [that mask] twice in two sentences. You may want to consider removing the first sentence entirely and keeping the second one instead.
Voice: The narrator tells the reader a lot about what the three main females look like. I’d like to see a more active voice for the prologue, where we get some idea of what they are like based off the observations of their fellow classmates. It will make for a more interesting read, while still getting the information across that you want to. Also, you say that Alesha is unique, but we don’t get a real sense of why that is yet. Maybe you were saving that for a later chapter, but you might want to add something in there about why she is unique personality wise. A lot of people can be distant and cold to people, but what makes her tick? What makes her different from all those other cold and distant people? It might be too complex to answer completely in a prologue, but you could start to lay a foundation for the rest of her character development here.
Plot: There isn’t a whole lot to talk about with the plot since the majority of the prologue concerns the characters themselves. It does seem like an interesting concept to have the boy totally destroy Alesha and to have Lily and James be the two that come up with the idea that causes it all to happen. I wish there was a bit more concerning the plot in the prologue, but that can always be done in later chapters after you establish what the characters are like and how they’re perceived by others.
Overall: There were some grammatical mistakes, but they weren’t really bad. Flow was a bit choppy for my taste, but that wasn’t bad either. The characters seem like they could be very interesting or very Mary-Sue depending on how you develop them. The more realistic you make them, the better. If they’re literally good at every single little thing and can do no wrong, you may have a problem though. I think the general idea for the plot is an interesting one. I’m assuming that the idea that Lily and James come up with has to do with the play about Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. I’m very interested in seeing how you work with that idea and how it affects the characters as well.
- Anders -
P.S. I'm sorry if I sound harsh at all. Try to be honest and polite, but sometimes I can come across as being jerk. And sorry if the format of the review is messed up. I think the site is still having trouble with reviews.Author's Response: Don\\\'t worry you don\\\'t sound harsh at all! I actually think this is one of the best reviews I have ever got especialy because it helps me so much.
I\\\'m taking on board everything you said (especially because I completely agree with all of it) and chnaging the chapter a little. I have to work on my grammar and I know it seems a litle overwhelming and you\\\'re right in saying that I should use less description.
The only reason why I didn\\\'t put anything abou the plot is because I wanted this to be just a prologue where the reader gets a very general idea of who the story involves because from the next chapter on the plot is revealed and everything starts to take place.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for your review it\\\'s one of the most helpful reviews I\\\'ve ever had and I\\\'m really greatful for it. I prefer reviews like these rather than the usual \\\'I loved it update soon\\\' because that doesn\\\'t really give me an insight on what I might have done wrong and how I can improve.
So thanks once again!
x Report Review
Quote: My mother could not handle looking after me, neverless a baby -
Changes: Change [neverless] to [nevertheless].
Quote: - reasons why I think that I changed so much since birth.
Changes: You may want to consider changing [why I think I changed …] to [why I believe I have changed so much.] You may want to cut out the [since birth] part as well, since he probably didn’t have his prior feelings as an infant. Leaving it at [so much] should work fine.
Quote: People have said that you have seen that love of your life -
Changes: Change the second [that] (after seen) to [the].
Quote: Her creativity had always shone through but the one day -
Changes: Add a comma before [but]. You can pretty much assume that you should add a comma before [but] every time, but you can check with spell-check or a grammar book to make sure.
Quote: I cannot control it entirely, but nor can I shove it away and do absolutely nothing at all. In life, you make decisions, you love, you fall, you cry, you worry, you fear, you fury, you rage, you laugh, you imagine, you smile, you learn, you hurt, and you die.
Changes for this paragraph: Remove either [but]. It’s awkwardly phrased the way that you have it right now. Also, you might want to consider adding a semi-colon after [decisions] and removing the commas after [life] and [decisions]. It’s a continuation of the same thought, but the first part (up until decisions) isn’t part of the list of things you make in life. Additionally, you may want to remove [you fury] since it basically means the same thing as [you rage].
Flow: The chapter flows along nicely. You had a nice transitional line or two between the thoughts of Blaise’s half-sister and those of the girl that he loves. I was slightly confused by that second line though. Did his love comment on how much he has changed since his sister was born?
Characterization: You gave Blaise a rather consistent voice throughout the prologue, which is good. I would have liked to see a bit more anger or hostility towards his mother when he spoke about her leaving him with the baby though. I can’t really say anything further regarding his character though, since all we really know about him (from Canon) is that he was in Slytherin, was slightly stuck-up, and didn’t like muggle-borns too much. I can guess based off his comments in the prologue that this is no longer the case because of the birth of Elyria, but I’m wondering why she would change his perspective so completely. I’m guessing that Elyria isn’t a muggle-born, so it doesn’t make much sense to me why she would change his beliefs so much, unless you meant that her outlook on life in general changed him. I like him describing his love as an angel and leaves out the name the entire time, since it gives her an ethereal presence almost. I would have liked to know why he refers to her as angel though; such as a quality about her that makes him think of angels or something.
- Anders -
P.S. I'm sorry if anything in the review looks odd. For some reason, it's not letting me put in apostrophes, ellipsis, or quotation marks.Author's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review. i really appreciate you pointing out a lot of the blaring errors. what you commented on in the last paragraph- the things that really did not seem to make sense to you- are all things that will make sense later on in the story. this is only the prologue and therefore it was meant in this case to introduce the story and the plot itself and therefore there are going to be some blank spots that appear to be mistakes but aren\\\'t. anyways, thanks again for the helpful review. i appreciate you taking your time to review you story so fully. Report Review
Not bad. I like the way the Hufflepuff boys were talking about the table-dancing. They sounded like typical boys. I also like how sweet James was to Lily. It was a nice change to see him worrying about her. . . as for Sirius, he's a little bitch and I love it. Report Review
Ok, so I'm betting that the masked vamp is either Sirius or Remus. . . probably Sirius because Remus is probably shorter than him and he already turns into something that runs around biting people three times a month. I like the idea of Lily being a bit of a loner. Rowling has stated that she was pretty popular, but her intelligence and personality could cause her to not have a very large circle of friends. Nice that Jane went as a Ring Leader, I thought that was amusing. I also still completely adore how much of an ass Peter is. Very different from most portrayals. Report Review
Hehehe. . . I love the interaction between the three boys at the very end, especially the explanation about "filtering" that they gave. Sounds like something James and Remus would both do. I'm not sure about the whole Jane having a special power thing though. A lot of stories are centered on the main character having a special power of some sort, but at the very least the one you came up with is unique. I haven't heard of another story that uses one like this. As long as it doesn't become the most important part of the story (and nothing else at all matters) I think it'll be an interesting twist. I'd really love to see her do something she really winds up regretting because of it. . . and then possibly not learning from the experience or something. I also really liked the whole Sirius can't come near me thing. That was funny. Report Review
I freaking love that last line. . . "Cute, dark, and male?" Freaking hysterical because you don't know exactly which part she objects to the most. I think that you're doing a pretty good job at getting Sirius's character down. While I don't think he'd purposely sexually harass someone (or maybe he would) I could definitely picture him fondling someone's bra. And as for the whole Peter crush thing ::shudders:: that's just wrong. . . with a capital WRONG. But funny at the same time. Report Review
Ok, so this story is completely hysterical so far. I hope you add more of Jane's dad in later because he was awesome, especially when he was talking about Julia. As for the Marauders: It's interesting to see Peter with a more evident attitude about everything. I also like how you have him failing (seemingly on purpose) so he can get attention. Very different idea of Peter than most people choose to show. I would have liked to have seen a bit more of how Jane interacts with Remus, but that'll probably happen in a later Chapter. As for James and Sirius. . . hehehe. . . well, they're entertaining as always. I would say that this is a nice start to what will be an interesting story. Good job! Report Review
So very touching. I nearly felt human emotion well in my chest. Major accomplisment. You should be proud. Report Review
So sad. . . but really sweet at the same time. I loved it.Author's Response: Aw, thanks Anders. I'm glad you liked it, and thank you for reassuring me that the first person POV worked out for this fic! Report Review
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