ummm.I'm not totally 100% sure about this. It was a bit sudden and the reader hasn't really settled into the story yet.
First, I think you could explain a bit more on his feelings or thoughts and what he wants to do with himself before he falls asleep, along with simple things like does he make himself a calming potion.
Where did Hermione come with that proposal?! That was a bit weird and then Ron just turns around and says no because of a DREAM. It just seems WAY too fast and their actions seem to abrupt and not really thought through. Like, what is he thinking when he is about to say no, or what does he think of Hermione when she turns up in the room. Just simple things like that would make it a lot more enjoyable.
The plot of the story is really good, it's why I started reading in the first place [because it got me interested, and I don't read that many fanfics anymore], you just need to work to make it more easier to read and real :)Author's Response: Hey,
yeah I know what you mean. This story is actually really old now and I don't think it's the best story I've ever written, but I'm going to leave it so I can focus on other fics. I'll finish it up but i won't edit it or anything.
thanks for your feedback :) Report Review
Very short first chapter. Which was a pity, wanted to read more.
Awe, I didn't expect the man to turn out to be Ron. Poor guy. And I thought Hermione's reaction to the robbed books is a bit too obvious, like they're going to play a big role in the story [i don't know if they are, it just feels that way]- you could tone it down a bit, probably just put in the artical and Hermione not thinking much about it orput the part in on how weird it was for them not to take any money or expensive items. But just as a little non-important line.
Now with my thoughts left for chapter one...I'm going to read on!Author's Response: Yes I know the whole story's quite short- short story, short chapters, I guess :) but I'm glad I left you wanting more! Report Review
I'm back!! :)
Firs thing first, there are a few tiny slip-ups at the very start. For instance, the second sentence doesn't flow right, and probably because it's the very start, it stuck out more. "He leaned against the wall, one foot against it," - change it to , "He leaned casually against the wall, resting his foot up against the bricks,"- as the first sentence, it sounds like your saying the same sentence twice with different words. I seriously do not want to be so nit-picky, but I just thought I should let you know :)
Umm...why would he be in Witch Weekly? I know he's Harry's son and everything, but he's not that famous, if Harry had a reaction to it, his reaction would go into the paper and then what happened with James would be a story. That's just what I think.
I haven't read where Scorpius, Al and Lily were a trio...awe, that's so cute!!
I'm a bit confused, it just seems a bit too 'normal' that James and Oliver are friends, but they weren't before this, I think it would be nice to put in more references in this chapter to make that clear to the reader, because they seem to relaxed and don't have any major reaction when they are in the same compartment together.
Ooooh...So oliver is gay?? That's a surprise, you should have left that hidden for a while, so the reader could start quessing if he's straight or gay- that would be so much fun to read!!!
I really do hope you continue with this story!!! It's so interesting!!!Author's Response: It's going through editing, I want to make it better, so it flows right. I just don't know if I should leave it up or take it off. I'm leaving it up for now.
These reporters think they're manipulative; if something's being said about Harry's kids, he's gonna wanna get involved. Then he'll be in the papers. :)
Scor, Al and Rose, you mean? LOL.
They're not friends. They've just been in the same group of friends. James thinks maybe they could be friends. James has grown up with reporters following his dad and Oliver is just so used to gossip and rumors about him (you'll find out why later) that it doesn't faze them. At least not as much as it should.
How do you know Oliver is gay? He could just be saying that James isn't. It makes you think, though, doesn't it? You'll just have to wait and see. ;D
Thank you! I will be continuing it. :)
Also, from the last review, I forgot to say, the only reason it was Fanta and not pumpkin juice was because they were both in London, not in the wizarding world. :) Report Review
Saw that your name listed on one of my stories and so hopped on over to your page, got to say the summary of this caught my attention and I just had to read it!
And my thoughts on the first chapter.
Just a nit-pick, when James explains why his parents don't like strangers in the house, you could try and make it more natural, by breaking it up like "ďerm, my parents donít like strangers in the house," and he paused, looking through his clothes "mainly because of reporters..." and when the family are discussing it and James is trying to defend himself, you could add in a little more detail on their actions and facial expressions, or where they are each standing etc. On the same lines, it could do with a little bit more description throughout about what everything looks like or their emotions etc. You don't have to take my opinion, it would make it easier for the reader to get a fuller picture, that's all.
I don't know, but I would have gone with Pumpkin Juice instead of Fanta, this is probably just me, nothing against your Fanta or anything. :)
When Oliver comes into the room with them, you don't actually tell us that he's down, just what Ginny says. You could describe him standing on the stairs or the sound of his footsteps.
Oh, and when he talks to Harry, he talks really straight-to-the-point and normal, you should have him panick or stutter, this is the great Harry Potter he's talking to, give him a little panick-attack lol.
OH MY GOD! I am extremely sorry for making this sound something along the lines of a rant...PLEASE do not take it as one. I ADORE this story, it's cute and adorable, but needs a bit of work with grammar and description to make it easier to read. -sighs- I'm going to zip my mouth...here is what my review is suppose to say.
I ADORE the story you have here, and you've set up the scene for the rumour extremely well. I am going to favorite it and hop on over to the second chapter...I really do hope you continue with it, it has SO much potential.Author's Response: Hey!
Yeah, there are bits I definitely need to go over. I posted it for a challenge, but now it's over, I intend to go over it and edit it, before I post another chapter. More details and description will be added. Thanks for pointing it out for me. :)
I thought about it but as I developed Oliver's character, he just isn't that type of person, no matter who they are. That will be found out soon enough. :)
Thanks for reading it and I'm glad you like it. :D Report Review
I don't review fics anymore, but I really really liked this and had to leave you a review :)
You wrote the characters really well and I loved your take on this scene. I always wondered why the Dursleys never got questioned by any of the teachers about Harry, and I liked how you made them afraid of the family, it seems so plausible. lol.
But, poor Harry :(Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! Yeah, I always wondered the same thing, because if I was a teacher and I saw any of the students get mistreated, I would surely say something. However, I grew up in a school that was very political, and I things like this happen all the time. Teachers being told to look the other way with some students, but more harshly to others. It's unfair, and I can only imagine that's how Harry wound up so mistreated. Report Review
OMG!! What the hell took me two whole years nearly to get back to this story???! I'm so sorry, I really didn't think it was that long ago, I can still remember chapter one lol. So, at least I came back :)
I really like you Sirius, he sounds such like the stubborn, bold kid from the books.lol.
But when he starts crying blood, I've cried blood before [no
joke] and you can see green when the tears fill your eye [don't ask me why it wasn't red].
When he runs out into the corridor, you might want to make a bit more heart wrenching for the reader by statomg what he felt when he was burning...because the first time I read it I thought he was just screaming in depair and not in agony.
I did feel sorry for him that nobody ran over to help him :( so so sad.
Just a little question, I thought Vampires didn't have a heart.That they were the undead?
Ooooh I wonder who the person was who found him...so mysterious.
Ummm...I think it was a bit stupid of the Healer to fall asleep beside the fledgling who just tried to bite him a few minutes beforehand.
I really love the ending of this chapter. But I would have liked to have seen a bit more reaction to Sirius, probably have him upturn a few tables and stuff in anger and fruhstratios. Just an idea :)
Will read on when I get the chance, and I promise it wont be a long wait like before. :p Report Review
I really liked what you had in this chapter, but it started funnily, it sounded as if it started mid-way through the scene, because it said 'they stayed like that' at the very start.
I LOVED what you had here, I know it's suppose to be 500 words, but it seemed sooo short, I was so sad when it ended :(
I would really love to see this into a short-story...would you consider it? I would totally read it, if you did. :)Author's Response: Yeah I had a bit at the start to explain that but it took up to many words. Thank you so much I had a hard time simply ending it there. I will think about it, it would be a fun story to write.
Thank you so much for your review it makes writing worth it :] Report Review
There were a good amount of grammatical mistakes, and some of the sentences didn't flow right with one another. Just a little read over and you'll catch them.:)
Also, it could do with a little bit more description, just to slow down the pace in the story in some parts.
But I like what you were getting across, it was extremely sweet, I felt so sorry for the two of them. :(
[-yep, im warming up to hermione/harry as a couple =D]Author's Response: Thank you for the review! This is one of my older stories that I wrote maybe as a freshman or i might have really been an eighth grader. I'm not too horribly shocked that there are mistakes. I will definitely try to get around to editing this someday. It took be quite a while before I do though. :-/
I am glad you enjoyed the story. It was one heck of an idea that i went of off. It did turn out good though so I am happy.
~Good you should really just read all my stuff until You just adore them. I'm pretty sure my stories may be able to do that to you. When you actually find someone else's that are Harmony don't loose them. Most people hate writing hermione unless to bash her. So when you find someone that is good with the couple, definitely read all their stories (and remember REVIEW!!)
Thank you for the review once again. It is extremely appreciated.
Am. Ginny Report Review
I have to admit the one thing that caught my attention about this story was the ickle cute puppy in the banner :P
At the start you said that he was only making his way to them, and suddenly he knows what his mother is doing with her hands, you could add in a little line saying that he approached the door and looked into them, just so it flows a bit better when reading it :) The same can be said when Sirius is on top of the stairs looking down at them and then he walks into the room.
I was slightly confused, but when writing this review I had a sudden revelation!! Is Sirius seeing her ghost?! Because at the end it says that she was taken from her bed, but the middle scene is Sirius and an unknown girl beside a lake...oh. Interesting.
You did a nice job with this chapter. update soon? Report Review
Awe, god!! This was so sweet. I loved it!! I would have liked a bit more detail on their emotions or what he was thinking at certain points. But this could be because I would have loved to keep reading more of it :) Great job!! Report Review
So, I just have to say that I love the name you gave Jame's girlfriend, Desiree, It's Desire, but with an extra 'e', very clever.
Just something small I spotted, when it stays to the same character, you don't have to repeat his name. We know who your talking about. Don't get me wrong, its fine the way you have it, I just think it would flow better if you changed some of them. :)
When you introduce new character into this chapter, such as Lucy, try not to describe them straight away, but let the reader slowly get to know them by adding the details of them throughout the story/chapter.
I think you conveyed Albus' feeelings really well here, but where was Scorpius throughout this scene? Or are you going to make them not best pals? Ummm...im very curious.
Not a bad job on these first chapters, keep writing!!Author's Response: Ahhh!! You again! XD *runs, hug-tackles to the ground, frolicks in a field of daisies with* haha
First off, zomgifreakingloveyou for noticing that Desiree is merely 'desire' with an 'e' at the end. And, obviously, that Desiree actually translates to 'desire.' Her name is purely symbolic that she is a manifestation of Albus' desire (though a real flesh-and-blood person rather than his imagination, LOL.though that could be a cool twist ;) )
I will definitely keep in mind to not repeat the person's name too often. I think because I mentioned James a lot, I didn't want the reader to get confused by which 'he' I was referring to, especially when Albus was watching James perform actions.
Oh yes, I definitely agree with you about not describing someone all the way right away! Thank you for reminding me of this! There are only a few characters that I sometimes just describe their entire appearance when I first introduce them, because it calls attention that their appearance is extraordinary (whether being extremely beautiful, strange-looking, ugly, or - in Lucy's case - interesting-looking) and is just an emphasis on that. But I agree that you shouldn't do that everytime. ^_^
The next chapter is actually entirely from Scorpius' third person POV, so I hope you really enjoy that! I don't want to give anything away about Scorpius and Albus' friendship, but I will say that if you went into this looking forward to a buddy-buddy bromance story of Albus and Scorp, you're going to be disappointed. :-/ It explains why they aren't close mates in future chapters, but you'll get a hint to it in the next chapter, if you prove to be the exceedingly perceptive reader you have turned out to be so far.
Thanks for all the help and encouragement. The first chapters are the rockiest, as I was just finding my footing with this story and the characters' voices, but I think as it goes along, it gets much better. At least, I HOPE it does. :P
I hope you'll come back and review the next chapter! ♥ Thanks again, it really means a lot that you took time out of your day to do this for me. :) Report Review
So the summary of this story sounds really cool, and the first chapter wasn't bad. Just watch out for repeating the same phrase twice, I know you might want it this way, but it isn't exciting for the reader to have to repeat what they read before- I'm mostly talking about the phrase "wish guaranteed to come true."
Also, a few tiny grammatical mistakes, such like "Albus didn't know what category he fit into"- 'fit' here, should be 'fitted', and at the part where it's talking about Scorpius, there should be an 'and' before the end part about the perspiration stinging their eyes.
Then at Lily's part, there's a line that says 'life live her'- I don't get what you were trying to say here, and the little part after this, should be 'living', not 'live'.
Going to read on. :)Author's Response: Oh my!! XD Thank you sooo much for this review, it's truly brightened my day. ♥
I appreciate all of the constructive criticism!
However, there were a few things that we are going to have to agree to disagree upon. ^_^
For instance, I believe that 'fit into' is the proper tense of the verb, for it is ongoing, not just just past tense as 'fitted' implies.
With the 'life live her', I understand how that might sound strange/confusing. Basically, have you ever heard the expression: 'Live your life; don't ever let your life live you'? It just means that you've gotta grab life by the reins and take charge of your own destiny. :) That's what I meant by not letting her 'life live her', but if you are unfamiliar with the saying, I can definitely see how that would be confusing!
I do, however, agree with you that 'her live her life' should be changed to 'her living her life.' Thanks so much for pointing that out!!
As for the part of the wish sounding too repetitive, I was just trying to make it clear that THIS was what he wanted, you know? But I agree that it doesn't flow as well as it could, so I shall try to tinker with a different wording.
Lastly, as to the sentence in the Scorpius section needing an 'and,' I purposefully omitted it, for the 'and' would make the list definitive to just those specific terms, while leaving it on implies those are just a selection of the options. That probably made no sense...haha, well, just know that it is not technically wrong to leave out the 'and' when listing things, and I did it on purpose. :P
Again, thank you so much for reviewing my story, and with such insightful advice! *hug tackles and pelts with gratitude cupcakes of your favorite flavor* :D
I'm going to send the next chapter in for validation today, so be on the look out for that. Also, THANKS for favoriting my story! ♥ Report Review
At the beginning you wrote that she shot a 'green' spell at Sirius and he reflected it, but the only spells that are green is Avada Kedavra and the Slug Vomiting one, and I doubt she meant to cause him to vomit slugs...so, Sirius wouldn't be able to block, to get around this, you could have him dodge it.
The song Sirius sings...Unbrella, wouldn't have been out now so doesn't sit right when he says it. I know it's suppose to be funny, but the time-line means it never existed. [it's also a muggle song, so Sirius most likely wouldn't know it]
Instead of just writing the basics of what's happened, write in more detail. Like the part where Rodolphus appears, in place of what you have you could write "There was another loud crack and a wicked grin crossed Bella's lips as she saw the large, bulky form of her husband standing beside Sirius, who hadn't seen him. He tilted forward towards Sirius, grinning.
Sirius twirled in fright...crack...Roldolphus's fist had slammed full force into his face" - see? If you just write a little bit more detail it would make the story more interesting :)
Still a lot of grammatical mistakes in places, just re-read it and you should catch them, as they're mostly silly typos.Author's Response: Ooooh I didn't even think of that! i'll change it so he dodges it. Thanks.
Lol the song that Sirius sings is NOT based on Beyonce. It's just making fun of her name!
Once again, I hope to start editing this story soon. It could certainly use much more detail.
Yes... stupid mistakes... I'm familiar with them... We've met... Ask mum, dad, and most of my teachers!
Thanks again! Keep on reading and reviewing! Report Review
At the start, you might want to say how much time had passed since the last chapter, just so the reader gets a decent time-line of events.
The part where you have the Dark Lord say that Bella should keep low because she's only out of Azkaban, it doesn't really sound like him, he would want them to be causing havoc the second they got out. Bella hugging Narcissa? I can't see it happening, they were brought up as to be cold and heartless, they do love one another, but not in the 'normal' sisterly way, Bella hugging her just doesn't seem right.
As you said Bella was a fanatic supporter and lover of the Dark Lord, she would never question him. So when she hates beind cooped up in the house, she would think of something like he was just waiting for the right time to give her an important mission. But never question him.
Bella using the Avis spell?? It's more of an Hermione-ish spell to do, she would have them squirming in agonising pain, not being peaked by bird[even if it was disgustingly], she would have a spell that made their eyes boil and pop. That's just what I think, you don't have to take it. :P
I really like the ending, with Sirius. Trixy is such a cute name.lol.
I know my reviews have a lot of comments on where you could improve on it, but I just want to help. I do love this story, I would just love to read that the write took the time to get the most out of the chapters as much as I'm enjoying reading it. It would be a brilliant story. :)Author's Response: That's a good idea - thanks. In my mind I would put it at maybe 1-3 months maybe.
When Bella is confined to Malfoy Manor, Voldemort wanted to continue lying low. If she was captured there was a chance that Voldemort's cover would be blown. Perhaps my Bella is a bit OOC. I'm constantly thinking about her and developing her as a character.
I needed to somehow show her frustration. Notice how she doesn't confront Voldemort. She only vents her frustration to someone she trusts, Cissy.
She used the Avis spell, but she ruins the sweetness of it, by using it to kill people.
Keep on doing it! I love your constructive criticism! Report Review
I saw your story, and I was 'oh Bellatrix' as Bella is like one of my favourite hp characters.She's deadly.
But, first think I would like to point out is that the chapters are really short :( try to aim, for atleast 2,000 words at the smallest, just so you would have more detail in them and the reader would get pulled into the story. Like, in this chapter you could describe the prison a bit more at the start, what Bella looked like or when she paces around the room, what she is thinking when she does this.
When you bring the Dark Mark into the chapter, you don't have to say 'a strange tattoo'- just say the Dark Mark, as everyone, even people who weren't DE's knew what it meant and that it wasn't a tatoo, but a brand.
I thought it was a bit weird that the Dark Lord himself came to get them out, I think it would be more plausable if he got one of his Death Eaters, that aren't in Azkaban, to get them out. Just a thought.
It's not a bad chapter, just a bit rushed.Author's Response: Yes Bella is deadly. I'm getting better at longer chapters. If you check out my newest fics, you will notice that. It's something I've been working on. Perhaps it is time to go back and edit this story... The Dark Mark: Yes, any person on the site should know what it is. But as you said before, I was trying to add more detail and suspense.
Sequel will be posted soon!
I felt really bad when I saw this story had no reviews, because it sounds like a really cool story.
Just a few things I want to talk about...
Why did you call Scorp as "The Malfoy" and Al as "The Potter"-I don't get it, I might accept it if they had 'kid' behind them. Also, when Al starts complaining to him for taking out the books, I think it would flow better if you broke his speech up, so he says one half of it, and then where he "You know," would be the start of the next half, after he's had a little thought about it.
Albus' thoughts about Scorpius are a bit...sudden. Like one minute they are just two normal friends and then he gives out to himself for thinking of Scorpius' smile.
I'm sure that the different houses aren't allowed in the different common rooms. I know it's the future and the relationship with the houses probably have changed, but I doubt that rule, that has been there since Hogwarts began would be lifted. But this could be just me.
When you introduce the characters in the Common Room, you could add in a bit of detail on what they look like or wearing. Just so we can have a good mental picture of them while reading.
Ooohh...The ending is all mysterious, I wonder what it is!!
I know I said a lot in this review, but I do think you have a nice first chapter here, just needs a bit of editing. :) Report Review
Really cool and creepy chapter.
But the timing in it is a bit jumpy, like the sentence about the guess being invited to her funeral, it might be better to end to chapter with it. It would give it a final-tone to it, and it wouldn't be a bit random, like it is now- as one line your talking about her funeral, then it says that it's her funeral and then it talks about just a normal day. Do you get me?
Hope you continue writing.
ps who was the girl who fell? Because, from what I got, Daphne killed herself. right? Report Review
ummm...it's a really good idea, very dark and deep, but Ginny seems to think too clearly when she finds Lily dead, she be a total mess. She wouldn't be thinking about the past so quickly, probably try and get her back alive, scream hysterically and pay no attention to the two boys.
Then when she has calmed down, probably later on when Harry comes home and comforts her, she might think of blaiming it all on the two boys, as her mind tries to make sense of it. But that's just what I think.
Really good one-shot.Author's Response: Personally I thought that Ginny blaming her sons was her way of not making sense, because I don't think that she honestly thinks its their fault it's just that she just needs someone to blame. What your saying makes perfect sense too though, there are just lots of different ways to react to a situation. Anyways, thanks for the review! Report Review
First I just want to say that it's very short, it would have been nice to see a bit more interaction between her and Lucius.
Some of the characters are a bit ooc, like the Dark Lord wouldn't just stroll into a room, more likely he get her to come to him. Aslo, I'm sure that Bella had this insane fasination about the Dark Lord, so she doesn't know true love but just the freakish obession she has for Voldemort. Just my thoughts.
I loved reading about Bella/Lucius, it's a very hard pairing to come across. I hope you continue writing this!. :)
[ps the white box is a bit distracting]Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I really didn't want to make Bella seem so obsessed with the Dark Lord yet because she hasn't gone to Azkaban and gone completely bonkers. I'll look more into that white box and try to fix it. Again thanks for the review. :D Report Review
At the start, when Marguerite says her sentence, instead of saying her name straight away, you could describe her, just to bring her gently into the story. Something like 'said the elderly woman'- or whatever you want to put there.
I really really really would love to see the chapters a bit longer and in a bit more detail. Like more background detail on the OC's, as we don't really know much about them at this moment in time.
But, I do hope you continue writing this story. I think it's really interesting. Report Review
The very first sentence is a bit awkward, when it says 'and left on the same ward...'- you could add in a 'him' between 'left' and 'on'.
hmmm...I dont get the point of Basil looking out the window for the moon, because the full-moon would have been up on the night Remus was bitten by a transformed Greyback and it was the same night...wasn't it?
Awe, I feel so sorry for Remus' dad :( but where was his mum throughout this scene?
Another good chapter[a bit on the short side, but not a big problem], I am really enjoying reading this. Report Review
I hate seeing stories without reviews, so I'm here to share the review love :)
I love the details you used in the first paragraph, but I doubt a niffler bite would cause someone to become sick. Probably a creature that is a little less known to hp readers, just an idea.
Also, in this paragraph, it said that 'he now understood why someone had left the creature at his pub'- but it wasn't clear why he thought this, I think you meant that they wanted him to be bitten, but you could add in a little sentence saying why he said that. :)
He also made the bizarre assumption about the woman falling into a barrow of bowtruckles. You could rephrase it to make it like he overheard it or something told him.
At the part where all the people burst into the room, you could break it up into more parts, it's a big big and hard to follow on a computer screen. Just a tip.
I love reading about young Remus, I think you have a really good first chapter here. Needs a little editing to fix up minor things. But I cannot wait to read on!! Report Review
You do know, you've sent me to heaven with this fic. It's the fic I've been searching for for years! Thank you for writing it!!
Just a little typo that I spotted in this chapter, near the end you wrote, 'moment' in the sentence 'there was a massive moment of creatures...'
Keep up the brilliant work!Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Again, a super chapter!! I love the way you ended this chapter, I thought you did a brilliant job with that, along with the rest of it :) You write the characters so well...I'm speechless, they are just perfect. Great job!! Report Review
here's the dealio, I saw this snazzy sounding story, popped it into my favs then read, I think you had 3 chapter up at the time, and I loved it so much I couldn't stop reading it to post a review, so now that I have a few chapters to read now I'll go back and review.tehehehe.
I've always been searching about a fic that is based on the missing moments...and I am super delighted that I came across this AMAZING fic!!!
Just want to say that I ADORE this story and I really hope that you keep posting it :D Report Review
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