After being personally recommended to you by Dracana herself, all i can say is wow, that was honestly one of the most beautiful pieces I've read, on here or anywhere else.
I think your characters were excellent, really excellent, and while you managed to keep them in character (Hermione as resilient as ever, Draco still arrogant but with the softer side the books sometimes alluded to) you took them to a completely new level that made their relationships believable.
Major claps for that my dear ^_^
The writing was also extremely elegant: flowing. You have a brilliantly detailed style and I think it worked well with expressing Blaise's emotional trauma. It made me ache for him (and I wanted to give him a big hug really lol)
So, in conclusion, this is one of very few slash fics where I completely believe it. It was perfection in a story, and you've made me want to write my own Blaise/draco fic now, hoping I can do anywhere near as an original job.
Superb. Breath-taking. *adds to favourites*Author's Response: wow
thank you so much!!
dracana recommended me?? O.O
im so pleased you enjoyed it and it worked - this was the first slash i had written so thank you!! Report Review
Hi, it's Helen here from the forums ^_^
As is usually what I do I'll review as I go along then give you general feedback at the end.
Firstly, the opening is very strong. Really draws the reader in. I instantly want to know who the narrator is and why her struggle is so immense. Good job with getting me to want to rea on!
Oooo, slight problem with the second line, 'The Department of Mysteries, feared by many and intriguing to most, owns more than my life. I feel as though it would be more powerful if you took out the middle bit in the commas. Just my opinion though.
In the next few paragraphs, also, you seem to lose the narrative voice that was initially so strong - she becomes characterless, and I feel that readers may be more sympathetic to her if you detailed her own struggle just a little bit. I'm interested to know of her character before this. her 'bright and vibrant self?'
Oh, completely in love with this line 'to be vanquished by the blood of heroes.' So powerful. So brilliant. Annoyed that I didn't think of it myself actually! I also really like how you use the flower metaphor in that paragraph, although I do feel like the more elaborate language you use further detracts from the narrators voice. More character please :)
When introducing each of the characters your going to write about in the future, I love the little lines you add next to them, especially the McGonagall part. Again, really wants to make me read on.
So generally, a very powerful opening, sometimes hindered by a loss of 'personality' in the narrator, but i think it has enormous potential, and will be looking forward to future chapters to see how everything progresses.Author's Response: Oh wow you amazing child! You review so quickly, THANKYOU
The point you make about the second line is absolutely right, I just couldn't distance myself enough to see it. Power to the reviewers!
I would love to take credit for the line, which I can't believe I wrote myself, but I suspect I've read too much fantasy to be able to write in normal metaphors :(
This may change, but the woman is actually meant to be a bit (but not too)distant - it will become clear once the chapters I have waiting get validated. She holds the framework of the story together, but does not enter my current plan as a main character. Idk - your resposne has made me consider working her in!
This is a terrific review - you've really hit all the issues I was worried about: voice, the flowery language and sustaining suspense. Thankyou again! Report Review
That man was disturbing.
I'd pick Malfoy over him, any day.
First off, I love the pace of this chapter, as it does its job in filling in between events and making you want to read on. Because I certainly want to read on ^_^
And I like the mysterious edge that you've given malfoy here - still bit dangerous and a bit of a git but also desperate. You imply that he has his reasons for doing things, which is great foreshadowing.
So, in all, this chapter makes me want to read on. Which I will do.
Pixie rates it: 10/10
lv HelenAuthor's Response: I'm glad you pick up on the foreshadowing, that's what I was aiming for.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Okay, so at the start, is Hermione staying with her Aunt?
Just needed that clarifying...
So, for your second chapter, I continue to like your writing style, and you're still managing to write about Hermione's emotions wonderfully.
Thoguh I have to say that I though hermione would have been a bit more emotional in the first section of the story, because I would have been freaking out a bit more if my parents had just died. But that's just me...lol
Vocab, grammer, and sentence structure are all amazing for a first-time fic. A hundred times better than most fics on here so props to that.
So overall, a great second chapter, and only loses a point on the rating because i felt Pomfrey's characterisation was a little off.
Pixie rates it: 9/10Author's Response: The beginning is bit confusing, isn't it? I'll try to go back and make it more clear.
Hermione's still kind of shock on the beginning of the chappie, but I'm not sure if that shows in the scene. (:
Thank you for your comments and review! Report Review
Okay, first of all, i have to hand you a cookie for ticking the most boxes on my review request thread *hands Clare a cookie*
There, okay, now.
I loved it!
For a first xchapter of a first fic, I think it's extremely natural, with all of your characters staying within character even though it is a Dramione. But even though it's just the first chapter, I can see it's not going to be one of those Dramione's, you know, with every cliche in the book in.
Hermione was extremely in character, all the way through, and I see her reaction to her parents death being what Hermione would probably do in the series.
So well done for that.
I also think that you've really described the emotions of the characters really well. You really felt for hermione when her parents died - I just wanted to give her a big hug...lol
A slight negative is that I think you could've done more to describe the setting but it's not major issue.
So, for the first chapter of your first fan fic, I really liked it. Yay for dramione's (I'm writing a Dramione myself at the moment actually. Woohoo!)
Pixie rates it: 10/10 *clicks on favourite*
Lv HelenAuthor's Response:
I'm thrilled you liked it so much, and I'm glad you it's not cliche filled. (:
Thank you so much for your review and favorite-ism! Report Review
Ooh, Im like it.
Okay, I'm starting to like Merope's charter a lot more, and actually feel bad for all the rubbish she's been through, as I can really see her personality come through in her dialogue.
Dialogue whoch, by the way, is brilliantly crafted. Very natural.
The general idea of the fic also seems very well researched, as you've reconstructed the time period perfectly, which only helps to add to the detail and realism of what's going on. Nice.
You continue to have great grammer and a near-perfect structure, and while I still haven't been 'grabbed', I liked this chapter more.
Pixie rates it: 9/10
Lv HelenAuthor's Response: I'm glad it's improving for you as you continue on, even though it hasn't grabbed you yet. That's perfectly okay. :) Thanks for trying it out, at least!
I appreciate you taking the time out to leave these reviews! Report Review
Okay, first off, I need to applaud your origionality in plot-line/subject matter, as I've seen very few fics recently that venture out of the Trio/Marauder Eras. So yay for that!
Second of all, I love your style of writing - it's increadibly descriptive in talking about the characters and general setting that you can't help but be pulled into what's going on.
So very nice work ^_^
And I love your development of Merope. While I don't actually like her as a character (now, at least) I think you did a good job of making her seem complex enough to carry a story.
As for the negatives, I have to say that I would have liked to see more of cecilia. While I understand she's probably less of a main character than merope, I think you could've done a bit more on her and still not lost out on anything.
But, this chapter was a good beginning, and while I'm not completely sucked in, I'm willing to carry on because I think its far too unique to ignore.
Pixie rates it: 8/10
Lv HelenAuthor's Response: Hi Pixie! Thanks for coming to review. I know this particular era isn't really your cup of tea, so I appreciate you giving it a try anyway. :) Thanks for saying that about Merope! I have to agree with you, she doesn't come across very well in canon, does she? I personally think she is very misunderstood, but whether she really is or not, there's plenty to write about! :)
Cecilia seems to be popular! You're not the first to tell me you want to hear more about her. Part of Chapter 4 is in her POV, and a large opening part of Chapter 7 is devoted to her. She's also going to play a big role in Chapter 8 which I am currently writing. So you'll definitely see more of her, if you decide to stick with the story.
Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
First of all, I have to say that I love missing moments fics like this one, So I'm very glad you got me to read this one.
Okay, so, as for the review, I only have very positive things to say. For one, I really adore the Tonks/Lupin ship, and think you wrote it very naturally in a way that didn't make their relationship seemed forced. So well done for that *applauds*
I also love how detailed your style of writing is, and how you've really tried to add eccentricities (sp?) to the characters to make them your own. Not many people can do that well, so props to that.
So, overall, a very adorable fic, and one of the best romantic one-shots I've read in a while.
Pixie gives it: 10/10
Lv HelenAuthor's Response: I was actually inspired to write this story by a Remus/Tonks fic I read on another site. That story portrayed them in such a real way, and it made me think about how they could have interacted all those times when Harry wasn't watching. I mean they didn't just suddenly get together and have a child, there must have been something going on before that.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Okay, so I'd just like to start off saying that I actually really liked it ^_^
I don't really read founders fics on principle, but this one is quite unique in terms of plot, and is a breath of fresh air in that your not focusing on Slytherin of Gryffindor.
You also have a really natural turn of phraes - some of your sentences are beutifully put together, and I applaud you for that.
But, on the slight negative, some of your dialogue does seem a bit forced, and there's something a bit off with some of your punctuation at times. I don't really have any specific examples though.
Maybe it's just me...lol
Anyway, as I said, I did like it, so I'm going to award you a 9/10 and a very large cookie.
Hope I helped ^_^Author's Response: hey, thanks for reviewing! mmm, cookies :) I jst ate a very large marks and spencer one... their ones are the best.
Oh, I agree, I avoid the founders too. But this one did sort of focus on Slytherin... I'm so glad you like my "turns of phrase", and I am an applause junkie ;)
I thought I did quite well on the dialogue on this one, but it's not my strong point, I know. I'm getting a beta anyway, but you're right, punctuation is suckish :)
thanks so much for reviewing xD
Ah, how like Helene, to be thinking about what's in someone's pants.
Yay! and she punched him in the face, in a homage to the wonderful Malfoy-punching moment from PoA.
And what a face Leon is. What a big gigantic huge floating face.
With a chin...lol
And I really like those chocolates the twins gave to Kimmy. Very cool. I want one, actually.
Anyway, my dear, another amazing chapter about Helena and Kimble.
LovesAuthor's Response: Phyllis! It's rare we see you in my ballpark!
In relation to Leon's pants? Yeh it is!
Homage! That's such a fun word, people should use that more often. Lmao. Malfoy. LMAO MALFOY CARTMAN! DOUBLE LMAO WHO'S IN THE BAG! I'm sorry I just imploded with in-jokes.
Leon is a pant with a chin on. But don't judge him too harshly. In the new chapter their detention is a bit more friendly! What is more, you'll find out eventually (possibly in the sequel I will officially never get around to writing with Ethel in it) why exactly he is such a face. There is a bigass reason!
Thankyou my lovely Phyllis!
Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you liked it! ^_^
Lv Wizardora Report Review
Hilary, I do believe I love this chapter.
And I do believe that this is my first review of your amazing story, which am eternally sorry for.
Anyway, I love how Helene is all like 'Spirit!!! Woohoo! Testify!! Team!!!' and other such phrases.
It kind of reminds me of this house system we have at my school...
And I feel bad for kimble... I just want to ge her a big hug then nudge her in the direction of some sort of attractive male (wait... aren't they like 11?)
x x x xAuthor's Response: Phyllllllllllllllllis!!!!!!!!
At last I have dragged you over to the darkside - My fanfiction ;P
What are you doing on here Mrs 'I give up fanfiction to write real things'????????????????
DOES THIS MEAN YOU'VE UPDATED?????
They all come crawling back.... (Y)
Anyway, its okay Phylly old pal because you've reviewed at last! I've been refreshing the page! Anxiously awaiting your approval! And now I have it and I will give you a big hug as well as Kimble.
And I'm afraid to reveal that things don't get much better for Kim.... yet
But talking of attractive males I think I saw a plotpoint called Leon in the background somewhere.... maybe I should drag him out into the narrative.....
Thanks for reading and reviewing Phyllisssss!!!!!!!
*hugs and kisses and poems*
Lv Hilary Report Review
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *it goes on for some time*
hahahaha etc... and some more... you get the general idea.
Now, Hilary, my dear.
That was an extremely origional idea. Wherever would you come up with something as unique as that?
A virgin list... dear me.
It was extremely amusing.
I enjoyed it and laughed at the screen so that my dearest mother walked past and gave me a strange glare.
Like she's one to talk.
Anyway, in conclusion, I loved it. It was funny. Ron loves Hermione.
xxAuthor's Response: Ah Phyllis! I hoped I would be hearing from you!!!
Although this humble one-shot is a mere nothing in relation to the excellent angsty/drama/romance of Playing with Fire and A bitter pill to swallow and other such works by your gracious self, I am glad you enjoyed it!!!
You know there's a story as to where that idea came from....
But I shan't bore you with the details!
And I'm extremely glad I amused both yourself and your mother!!! I hope she was 'cited!!!
Thankyou for your lovely compliments and review in General.
Love on you Phyllis!!!
Lv Hilary Report Review
Oh, I do love your characters!
In this chapter, I really liked the inclusion of Harry and Ginny and how they were written - fitting in well with canon but also altered a little to suit your own style of writing.
I honestly, at this point, don't have any criticosm. I didn't spot any grammer/spelling mistakes, and I liek how you structure your sentences, as they aren't too descriptive.
Another great job, and as this one is better than the last 10/10
Oh, and eating ice-cream out of the carton totally rocks
^_^Author's Response: Awww, thanks. I'm glad you like my characters. Of course I had to include Harry and Ginny, they're awesome! No critisism? Really? Thanks =]
Yeah, it does totally rock to eat ice cream that way. It tastes so much better. heh.
-Nicole Report Review
Okay, for the first chapter of a fic, this is very well done.
Even at this early stage you've managed to create a very believable relationship between Teddy and Victoire, which I thought was very cute and extremely 'Awww' worthy.
The flow of detail and description is great, and you seem to make the characters your own.
The only tiny issue I have with it so far is that I found a few small spelling mistakes - nothing major so I shouldn't worry too much but they did catch my eye.
So, overall, a brilliant start, and probably the best Teddy/Victoire fic I've red so far.
9/10Author's Response: I'm glad you like it. I thought that for once it would be good to write a cute, non-angsty ship. It was a lot of fun and I look forward to writing some more of it. I'm glad you like my characters (well, they're not mine, they're Jo's, my characterizations though!) heh. The best Teddy/Victoire you've read? awww, thank you!
-Nicole Report Review
Okay, as a first chapter this is pretty good.
To beging with, you seemed to be going down the cliche Drac/Ginny fan fic route - it was looking all rather cheesy. But, I'm glad to say that that was just at the beginning, and towards the end I really got the feel of a plot developing, as your characterization of both Ginny and Draco improved.
I like where you're going with this, but just make sure to stay away from that dreaded cliche zone.
Oh, and also, you're line spacing is a bit weird. Might wanna check that out!Author's Response: Thank you! I've been getting that the beginning was cheesy quite a lot and might eventually go in with an edit and rewrite a bit of it. Also I'll make sure to be careful with the spacing, it can be quite annoying to deal with...
Magical Me13 Report Review
First of all, I'd just like to thank you for my lovely review *hugs*
Okay, now onto your fic. I think your style of writing is very descriptive but flows easily, not like some where the description seems really forced and unatural. So very well done on that.
And even for so early on I already like yout two OC's - that's a great achievement cause I usually can't stand OC fics.
So for the first chapter, very well done *claps* and I look forward to the next!
9/10 (You only lost one cause I only give out 10 if the fic is perfect!)Author's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
Aw (and it goes on for while)
That was so sad.
But so beautifully written, as the characters seemed almost real to me.
I applaud you, as you are one of the few writers who has almost made me cry *sad face*
Very well done.
^_^Author's Response: *hugs* Thank you so much!! I'm so glad you liked it and that it seemed real! I strive for that in my writing!! Thank you SO much and I'm sorry I almost made you cry!! ^_^ Report Review
Okay, let me get the straight...
She's a witch (a half-blood) but was taught at home by her dad, and then got bitten by a vampire? Am I right? (I get confused easily...)
Okay, anyway, after that bit of plot clarification...
- I love the spanish bits. They really add to the characters culture - they make her more realistic.
- The idea is very unique. There are very few well written vampire fics and this is certainly one of them!
- I think your OC is well-written. she's not all-powerful which is a refreshing take on things.
Not so good points:
- some of your description is a little out-of place i.e. some of the words don't fit in with what you're describing. These are only in a few places, however, and it's probably me just being finicky.
- Her background is a little confusing. But again, maybe that's just me and how slowly I catch onto things ^_^
- There were a couple of small spelling errors, but nothing major.
Overall, a very promising start and I shall be reading on!
Oh, and I love your chapter image!Author's Response: Yes, you're exactly right about the plot....=)
Thanks, I'm really glad you like the Spanish bits, it just feels more real with them in it.
About the whole backround thing, everything will be cleared up later on (Probably in the next 4-6 chapters).
Thanks for you review and I'm really glad you like it so far! =) Report Review
Okay, for a Dramione, I think this is off to a good start, as i think this fic has amazing potential, but I think there's room to improve (as with most writers)
Okay, first off, the bad points:
- Your sentences can be a bit too long and disjointed. They make the story harder for the reader to follow.
- Hermione is a bit OOC. I don't think she really would be found in that situation in the first place. it's just not a 'Hermione-ish' thing to do.
- It was a bit too short, although I understand the need to have a short chapter to begin.
Okay, for the good:
- You've set the tension and drama up really well. You can tell what the tone of the story is going to be like just from this small chapter.
- You keep the reader guessing all the way through. That's definately a good thing as readers don't know what's coming!
- The cliff-hanger makes people want to read on. It's a great way to hook readers in ;)
And that's it really. I hope I haven't discouraged you with the bad points as i think this is a good start, but with these small changes it may be even better!
Author's Response: I will have a look over the sentences and try to make it easier to read. It will be explained about Hermione, it's in chapter seven.
You haven't discouraged me, I like reviews that tell me how to improve. Thanks for all of the things you mentioned, I will have a look over it all. Report Review
Okay, first thing; you have no need to worry, as this is a very good first piece of fan fictiohn, and one that has a lot of potential. From your writing style it seems as though you have been writing for a while, if that any encouragement ^_^
- I like that you have the story and plot established already, as that's often very hard to do from such an early stage.
- I really love the fact that the Harry/Ginny romance isn't perfect, as it contrasts the books where it pretty much is.
- So far, I really like your Ginny. She fits in with canon but seems to have a bit of twist. Very good.
- So far, there's not much bad about it, just a few little things.
- A few grammer mistakes. These are very few and far-between however, and can be easily sorted out by a beta reader.
- A variety of sentence structure would make it more interesting for any readers. What you've got there is good, but by changing sentence lenghts you could make it even better!
Okay, that's about it for now. I'll move onto your next chapter ^_^
For this one, however, i'll give you a 9/10, considering this is your first story.
Hope that helps, chic.Author's Response: Thank you for the pointers!!! I usually catch grammar/spelling errors, but hey, I'm only human! LOL I'll start trying to put more variety in the sentences...I just have to figure out ways to do so. :) Thanks again! I appreciate it! Report Review
Okay, now I feel bad for Belle.
The letters were very sad, and make Belle's loss seem more real as you've established really well how close she is with her friends. Well done for that!
The chapter was, however, a tad short, but I think that was probably due to the letters being included (?)
Anyway, I enjoyed this chapter a little more than the first, and will skip along merrily to the next.
*skips along*Author's Response: :] yep, thats why the chapter was short. but really, after that the chapters are realllllly long.
-nora. Report Review
Okay, I think this is a good start, with a lot of potential, but I have the slightest amount of annoyance with Isabelle. She just seems a bit OTT to me.
But, I think you're description, especially at the start, is amazing, and I really like the relationship you've set up between Isabelle and her father - reminds me a bit of the Malfoys.
Anyway, I will indeed be reading on, and hope to find out why exactly Isabelle is so depressed
^_^Author's Response: ahhh yes i know. but the chapters after "Meeting Tom Riddle" will tell you why shes so depressed and lonely. mhmm the malfoys. :[
thanks soooo much for the review!!
-nora. Report Review
Okay, I have to say, even after the first chapter, i really love your OC. She's so fresh and origional, and has a personality (god, forbid) which is amazing, as OC's are so hard to write.
You've set up the story really well, and I shall charge onwards and read future chapters ^_^
Well done, very well written, so 10/10!Author's Response:
Hello, there! I really don't know what to say other than thanks. :) I can't wait to see some more reviews from you. They mean a lot. ;)
-Carrie Report Review
Wow, what an origional pairing... and an uncommon one. I can frankly say I've never seen a Pansy/Neville fic before. So far, I think the dialogue is very well written and you've made your characters seem exceptionally likeable - even Pansy who I usually deteste.
One thing I'll say is that you could add a tiny bit more description, more detail to the surroundings and such. That would make your fic even better than it is at the moment! it's also good to see a non-cliched version of Draco being written, as it's a pit fall many authors fall into e.g. too soft or arrogant. It's great to see a Draco who's still a little bit defensive.
A really great first chapter, and I'll be sure to check back and review the next one some point in the near future =]
Oh, and thanks for ther lovely review you left me. It was really appreciated!Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I'm very bad at descriptive writing, but I'm going to try it some more in the later chapters.
Thanks again for your lovely review. :) Report Review
Wow, that was beautiful.
I nearly cried, which is saying a lot as I never cry at anything.
Ron/hermione is my favourite ship too, so it was so tragic to see something like that happen to Hermione, opposed to the happy ending we all know they deserve.
10/10 from me =]
Oh, and thanks for taking up my banner request!Author's Response: awww, thank you sweetie =] i know, R/HR is my favorite too and i wanted to kinda push the limit and do something completely opposite from what i normally do!
no problem hun =] Report Review
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