Hi, you requested a review from me a really long time ago but things got crazy so I'm just getting around to it now, sooo sorry about that I explained it all on my thread. Here's the review though:
Haha I really enjoyed this chapter. I have a friend exactly like Lucy and I totally sympathized with Rose throughout the chapter. I thought this was pretty well written. You could stand to use a bit more dialogue in the chapter, but I would say that it's your prerogative because the chapter isn't exactly description heavy, I'm just a big fan of dialogue. However, I liked the little side notes from Rose through out, her comments on what Lucy said. For example, when Lucy said she slammed the door in the guys face twice, and Rose thought to herself, "Because once just wasn't enough." It was so perfect I actually started laughing out loud and my roommates think I'm insane now haha. I noticed a few typos, mostly in the beginning, where the first letter of a word was missing, like at one point I believe it said Rose rolled her eyes, but the "e" was missing from eyes, and little things like that. I don't know how I feel about Lily's boyfriend playing football though, considering they don't really play football in England they're more about Rugby really. Plus I don't see why Lily's boyfriend would be playing a Muggle sport in the first place, so you would probably be better off saying he left his Quidditch gear at her flat. Unless you want her to be dating a Muggle, which opens a whole new realm of things to consider, though probably not really for this chapter. Overall, I really liked this chapter though and I think it's well written, and I'm excited to learn more about each of the characters. Report Review
First off I want to say definitely continue with this story, I loved the movie Brothers and I think it would make a great storyline and I think that this is really clever and you should totally run with it. This is pretty well written, I really like the repetition of "Smile plastered" every so often. It's a quick reminder of how Savannah is feeling throughout the chapter while all of these happy things are going on around her, and keeps the real mood of the story constant. It allows you to carry over all of her worries and fears from the very beginning throughout the rest of the chapter without becoming drawn out and tedious using descriptions of her feelings over and over again and still lets you give the reader insight into the mood around her. The chapter flows really well, the short sentences in the beginning really show Savannah's feelings and convey her mood well and helps the chapter progress as it goes on. I think you could use more descriptions in the story however, let us know more about her surroundings. If the house is her world and she never gets to leave it then I think we should know more about what it looks like, see her world through her eyes. The characterization hasn't really kicked off yet, all we can see is that Savannah loves Albus and that Albus loves Savannah and his family. We also got a little taste of resentment towards the end of it which shows a little more about Savannah's character, that she is unable to simply accept Albus and his job and it makes the story more realistic, the concept of a perfect wife who accepts her husband's absence and dangerous job without question and completely willingly is simply unreal so I think you did a good job of making Savannah's character believable given her situation. As for the question of what POV to continue this in it really all depends on what your strong suit is as a writer. Any tense and POV can be a good read if written right. Personally I prefer stories written in past tense simply because present tense narration for the most part seems forced and artificial to me. As for POV it depends on where you want to go with the story. If you're going to keep it mostly focused on Savannah I think it would make the most sense to continue in first person from her POV. I've read a few stories done with alternating POVs and it can be extremely entertaining when done right, I really enjoyed reading ones like that. If you're going to do that then you need to focus on flow a lot, make sure that the chapters line up and the transition is easy. Try to avoid switching characters in the middle of serious or important situations, and if you plan on overlapping their POVs in a particular scene make sure that it is clear who is talking each time and where they are in the scene in comparison to where the last character was throughout the overlap. I also don't particularly like when the POV is changed during a chapter, I've found that I enjoyed it more when each chapter was a different character as opposed to sections in each chapter for each character, I think it just flows better and is easier to read and keep track of. I prefer to write my stories in third person, but that is just because I feel that I am a stronger writer in third person as opposed to first person. If you choose to write in third person it is easier to show the feelings of multiple characters at a time, as you can give insight into everyone's minds. The thing you have to watch out for with third person omniscient (as I've found with my stories) is making the chapters too long because there is so much to put in for each character, and becoming redundant with your descriptions and allowing the personalities of each character to bleed into each other and risking losing each character's uniqueness. Another thing to watch out for with third person is the fact that you have so much going on at once with all of the characters that you lose the richness of your writing and end up telling everything that the characters are feeling as opposed to showing it through their actions. The choice really depends on what you feel more comfortable writing and where you decide to go with the story. It is easier to write in third person if you're going to primarily focus on the happenings around one character, like Savannah, (for example in my story the plot really revolves around my main OC so it is easier to write in third person because I really only need short asides from other characters as opposed to detailed descriptions of what they are seeing and feeling) but if you want to show everything from everyone's POV then it is better to go with alternating first person since then everything doesn't become confusing and tedious to read. Sorry this is so long hope I was able to help, good job I hope to read more.Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for the kind words and also for such an incredibly long review! I'm glad you think Savannah is realistic, i wasn't totally sure about her characterization or realisticness or anything, so I'm glad that you're saying I've done a reasonably good job with her thus far.
If I did continue the story in the first person, I definitely wouldn't switch up the POV in the middle of a chapter, don't worry...I hate that too. You bring up good points about both perspectives...urghh I still can't decide! But thanks for mentioning all the pros and cons, because everything you mentioned will definitely help me out in making whatever decision I do make.
And thanks for the reminder to add more details about the surroundings. I guess I wasn't really thinking about being descriptive in that way for the first chapter, but I definitely need to be more descriptive.
Thanks again for the awesomely awesome review, I'll definitely stop back by your thread again when the next chapter is up. Thanks so much!! :) Report Review
This was an interesting one-shot. I wasn't exactly sure what was happening in the beginning, where it was going. I knew it was short and was only a one-shot so the lack of dialogue threw me off at first but once I realized that it was from Helena Ravenclaw's POV I realized what was going on. I'm not a big grammar buff so I can't give you much on that front, though I don't recall anything that interrupted my reading of the story, it all read pretty easily. Your descriptions were exquisite. The way you described Helena's feelings through waves and storms and oceans was done well and really conveyed the meaning behind the metaphors and the intense sorrow that she was feeling. The story flowed well, the use of short and abrupt sentences, interspersed with longer slightly repetitive ones (and I mean repetitive in a good way, describing the same feeling in different ways) really got across the feeling of anguish that Helena was feeling at the loss of her mother. The description of her killing the mouse was so intense, it actually made me cringe, but that's a good thing because I could really see and feel what she was doing and it was perfectly executed. You also flowed nicely from her angst and pity into her revelation, it wasn't abrupt and didn't come off cheesy as things like that sometimes do. I think using the rain as the catalyst for her epiphany was really clever and well done and it made the story flow nicely from negative to positive (or at least the promise of positive). I enjoyed the references to oceans and ocean waves since that is the title of the story, I always like when stories tie the title in, I don't know why I just find it clever I suppose haha but it definitely made for an even better read and translated well with the feelings you were trying to convey. I thought that perhaps since she was in a forest this was going to be a story about when she hid her mother's tiara from the Bloody Baron in the Albanian forest where Voldemort later found it. I'm not sure if adding that into the story would necessarily be an improvement, though it may add more relevance to the story, but I think that this was beautifully done and your writing style is amazing, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.Author's Response: Oh my goodness, thank you so much for this wonderful review. I'm so, so, so incredibly happy that you enjoyed it! All of your thoughts on this piece are so fantastic to read; it means so much to me to know that someone was able to appreciate it. I did try to reference the ocean and later tie it in to the title-- it just seemed so fitting :) I'm infinitely ecstatic that you could see the feeling that I was trying to convey-- I've been told that I was going overboard and making it too angsty. At this point I don't really know, I've been told so many different things... Oh my, I totally should have incorporated that somehow! Why didn't I think of it?! Ah well, there isn't much to be done about it now; I'm sort of afraid to change something.
Oh, thank you sooo much for the compliments! They make me so happy. It truly means a lot. Thank you forever for this magnificent review-- it's one of the best I've ever gotten :) Report Review
Okay, I definitely thought Fred was dead in the beginning, and got really confused for a split second but I managed haha. Also, I'm really glad you brought him back because he was one of my favorite characters and I cried like a baby when he died, so that made me happy. A few minor notes, in the very first sentence, "braking" should be "breaking", same with a paragraph later talking about Annie's sobs. At the end of the first section it should be "tips of my fingers", you're missing the word "my". Your descriptions are amazing, I love the way you described everything, the singing in his body, the little things like "shoving" his face in the bag and how his eyes caught the clock, it was really well done and made the chapter an easy and entertaining read. I was a little put off by how serious and freaked out Fred was at the beginning, I couldn't see him being like that, even considering that men do crazy things before they get married, this all just seemed too extreme and out there for Fred. But I liked the part where Bill mentioned running into walls and door frames and while Fred was too busy freaking out he still had enough sense in him to think to himself that normally he would have had a joke for that. And how he noticed that he would have been messing with George if the roles were reversed while George was making fun of him. Little things like that made it seem more Fred-ish to me. However, it still seemed pretty far-fetched, I think it would be a lot more believable if you made it seem more like Fred was trying to hide the fact that he was freaking out. Have him be making jokes while he's clearly starting to hyperventilate, refuse the bag at first insisting that he's fine and make a joke about his condition, chalking it up to something unrelated, until he simply can't take it anymore and is forced to take the bag. Same with the outburst near the end, have him insist he's fine and isn't worried about the wedding and that everyone is just imagining him having a fit when it is quite clear that he's not okay and that he's simply trying to use the good old Weasley twin humor to make light of a situation (similar to the scene in DH when George lost his ear I would say). Then at the end have someone say something or do something that sets him off and he completely loses it and has the outburst that he has before trying to cover it up with the joke at the end again. I think that that would make it more believable and show Fred's character better then all out and accepted hysteria. Ginny's character seemed pretty good to me. I think she would be more likely to laugh at George's joke then give him a dirty look, just because she is a playful character, and that she would slowly progress to her anger with Fred at his freak out, which would play out better with Fred trying to make everything seem okay at first as well. I think Ginny's outburst was a little too sudden, although if you built up to it better, had her joke around at first too and slowly become annoyed with Fred until she totally loses it as his declaration that he can't marry Annie, then that would be exactly how Ginny would react because she would never allow something like that to happen, especially if she really likes Annie, and knows that Fred and her are perfect together. I also really liked the comment about Hermione's reaction, because she definitely would've been worse then Ginny.Author's Response: You don't don't how relieved I am to hear (in this case read) your words. I generally write Fred very playfully and in the back of my mind I wasn't too sure about how I had Fred reacting. It felt a little forced to me, but I wasn't sure. I hadn't HP in awhile when the idea shook me. lol.
I was worried about Ginny acting OOC because I never write her unless in a very minor part, never really speaking, just there. So thank you for pointing both the goods and the not so goods of both characterizations along with your idea's for it. I'll more than likely be rewriting it, for as I said before, it felt a bit forced to me.
Again thank you! You were really helpful!! Report Review
Wow, for only one chapter, and a short one at that, that was intense. One of the things you asked me to review in your request was plot, however I don't really think that there's much here to go on, other than the obvious fact that she's stuck in a crazy house and I'm assuming isn't actually crazy. But that in and of it self is extremely interesting. I think that it's definitely a good storyline and you should run with it, like as fast and hard as you can because I think that this could really develop into a great story, you've definitely picked an intriguing topic. Your other request, the character, I love her. I want her to be my best friend (and I mean that in all seriousness). Her sarcasm, her cynicism. her complete loathing for everything and everyone around her, it made me smile to read her thoughts, and I'm not usually a big fan of first person stories, but I couldn't even tell with this because I was so wrapped up in what she was thinking and where she was going. You've done an excellent job of developing you character in such a short amount of time but you still managed to keep enough mystery in it that I want to read more. I would recommend a quick read through as I noticed a few sentences had a word missing, one of the small ones like "a" or "the", nothing to major but just enough for me to notice and throws off the flow of the story. I'm tempted to say that your descriptions are well written, however going back over the chapter I'm realizing that there really aren't that many actual descriptions, and I'm assuming my temptation is caused simply by the fact that I enjoyed reading the story so much. However, I also notice that there really isn't much to be described, you mention the hallway that they walk down, and the chair that she sits in, and I feel like going into too much detail about what the office looks like every little thing that she sees around her might detract from her character that (it seems to me) you used this chapter to develop so well. However, I think that in future chapters it might do well to add more descriptions as the characters personality can only remain the main focus for so long before the reader wants to read and know more then just her view on the world.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lengthy review :)
Mona isn't crazy as in completely bonkers, but she said it herself - she isn't normal, else she wouldn't be in the Institution ;)
You actually love Mona?! omg, I didn't think there were people other than me who could at least like her. :o I mean, she's not exactly nice. And she's not likeable. I think. Actually, I'm in doubt now but I'll have to make her even more not nice (because in all honesty, she's not evil). xD It's great to know I've managed to let people inside her head and not make it seem a bit over the top with all the sarcasm and not-niceness. lol
I'll be sure to fix everything you've mentioned about "a"'s and "the"'s and everything really ^^ and I'll keep in mind to be a bit more descriptive in later chapters :D
Thanks again for the review, I appreciate it :)
I liked this chapter, I think because it was written almost entirely in Pete's head and that seems to be where your writing really shines. Pete's confusion and anger and fear and anxiety and all of his emotions translate pretty well. You capture Pete's mood pretty well through your sentence structure and the flow of your story. You also use good vocabulary and descriptions to get across how Pete is feeling. I'd like to see a little more description however. You're mostly just telling us how he feels, saying that Pete felt this and Pete felt that. I think it would be a lot more effective and definitely more captivating when reading it if you showed us his moods more. Describe little movements that Pete does that indicate how he's feeling. Nervous twitches, or anxious movements like twisting his hands or biting his lips are classic examples. Using those as Pete's reaction to something another character says or does can make reading a story much more interesting then simply reading him saying that he was angry, or scared. Describe more possibly his forehead creasing or his body tensing or his fists clenching when he's confused, especially at the end there with Alan those things would work beautifully. Also using more comparisons can help a lot, like saying that he could feel the cogs turning in his brain when he was trying to decide what to do about Willa leaving, or feeling like fire was running through his veins when Eric outted his secret (of course you also need to be careful not to overdo it with those too because that can get just as frustrating as lack of description). But your descriptions are very well written, I particularly like at the end when Pete describes how he needs to stop being a "blank shadow", his earnest to be loved and noticed really shone through in the last paragraph. Report Review
To start off with this was a pretty good chapter. The flashback of Pete's to his eleventh birthday when he first got the letter from Hogwarts was good. The short sentences helped make me really feel his fear and anxiety as he was staring at his father. All of the scenes from Pete's POV are well written in my opinion, I think you've really got a good grasp on what you want his character to be and where you want him to go and how you want him to get there and it's showing through in your writing. Anything from his thoughts seems considerably stronger in my opinion then the dialogue from other characters or general observations from a third party narrator. The scene where Pete first comes out of his reverie you say "James and Pete looked at him" when it's Pete that's being looked at it, it should be "James and Willa looked at him" and while I know you don't want me to focus on grammatical errors that just really stood out to me because it threw me off at first when I was reading it and I had to re-read it a few times to realize what had happened. Additionally, the fight between James and Eric, when Eric says "I have no problem with hating Mudbloods, as I'm sure you know, referencing to a few moments early, when I insulted your grandmother." it sounds very unrealistic and not like something that anyone would say at all, whether it be in casual conversation or especially in a heated fight with an arch-enemy. It's just very formal and doesn't fit well with the rest of the dialogue and throws off the reading of the whole thing. I think you would be better served to write something along the lines of "I have no problem with hating Mudbloods as I'm sure you know." There's really no reason for him to actually reference his comment from a few moments earlier towards James' grandmother as the reader just read it themselves and it just doesn't sound natural at all (besides we all know that Slytherins are notorious for hating Mudbloods anyway so we wouldn't expect anything other that that from Eric). I'm extremely curious to know how Eric knew about Pete's past considering that Pete hasn't told a soul, not even James and Willa, at first I thought that it might have been an oversight on your part, having Eric say that he heard a rumor about Pete's past, when there is clearly no way that there could ever been any such rumor, because if no one in Hogwarts knows about Pete's past then there certainly isn't anyone in the rest of the Wizarding world that does, but I'm beginning to think that there is more to Alan then we're seeing right now and he has something to do with this all, so I hope that that gets cleared up soon haha. I feel like I want to say that Willa's character is weak, but I'm not sure if it's because she hasn't really been developed other than how Pete sees her which makes her extremely one-sided to the reader, or just the fact that she really is a weak character, shy, timid and not very present compared to James, Pete and the Slytherins. I would like to see more of her though and how she interacts with the other characters herself, especially Pete now that they know his secret. Report Review
Again quick note before I start, in canon the Hogwarts express leaves at 11 am, I don't know if you changed that on purpose but just thought I'd point that out. But anyway, I thought this chapter was a lot stronger than the last one. I feel like you write a lot better when you're writing from a specific person's POV (meaning inside their head not necessarily in the first person tense) as opposed to writing as an outsider describing what is happening in a situation and the character's feelings (if that makes sense). I liked seeing everything from Pete's POV becuase his love-hate relationship for James is interesting to read, I really enjoy reading severe inner conflict. You also really developed Pete's character in this chapter and gave the reader a good feel for him. Your descriptions were much better executed in this chapter and allowed me to really see what was happening. The interaction between Alan and Pete was well done, and even gave a little more insight into Alan's character and let us see the very manipulative side of him and how he really knows how to push a person's buttons. One concern I had was how Alan knew all of those things about Pete's true feelings towards James. He was spot on in everything that he said, he knew exactly how James felt down to a tee. I'm not sure if later on it's revealed that Alan was just making a guess as to what Pete was feeling, knowing that he was overshadowed by James and assuming that Pete felt resentment towards him and he just went with it, or if that perhaps Alan is able to use Legilimency and knew that Pete resented James for a fact, it just seemed to me to be very accurate. The flow of the chapter was really convincing, the paragraphs where Pete listed all of the things about James that he resented, and all of the things that he would not be okay with James getting after lying to Alan about it. The short and slightly repetitive sentences really converyed his anger and frustration that he was trying to hide from Alan. Report Review
Ok before I get into anything too serious I have one question. Why are they on 12 3/4? Was the platform for the Hogwarts Express changed from 9 3/4, because I don't see why it would be but I just wasn't sure if you did that on purpose or if it was a mistake. But anyway moving on. I like the characters of the Slytherins, they seem kind of cliche, but they're fun to read. The character of Alan scares me, the silent and deadly type. However, I do have one problem with the group. I feel as though Scorpius Malfoy would be a key Slytherin in Hogwarts just as much as James is a key Gryffindor. His father after all played a big part in the battle of Hogwarts and is no doubt just as famous in the households of Potter-haters as the Potters are in the households of Voldemort-haters. I find it hard to believe that there would be a group of Slytherin boys that are considered popular in their own right within the school that are in no way associated with Scorpius Malfoy. Moving on, you take a while to introduce the characters. For example, when you first start talking about Pete you don't actually mention his name till about a good paragraph later. In addition, the descriptions of the characters were kind of weak. I got the general idea of what they looked like but it wasn't strong enough to make me actually see them in my mind's eye. The characterizations on the other hand were pretty good, using the dialogue gave me a pretty good idea of the kinds of people that Eric and Aron are. You should comtinue to develop that though as I feel like you could make Eric a very interesting character with many layers, with his hatred of James and the Potters, and yet his disgust towards Voldemort and the Death Eaters, especially since he is a close friend with the son of a Death Eater. Aron is funny and I think you can really make him the comic relief in the story with his smart ass comments and snide remarks, still a hateful Slytherin, but funny in his own way. The Potters were well done, we didn't see much of Albus and Lily but James' character made me laugh I can't wait to see more of him. The chapter flowed well enough, I wasn't hard to read but it wasn't extraordinary. Of course there wasn't much emotion to convey in this chapter other than the hate, which I thought translated pretty well.Author's Response: Whoah! Thank you SO much for that review! It's really constructive and I think you pointed out a lot of things that I failed to see. It was on accident the whole 9 and 3/4 thing, it probably slipped my mind. You also make a good point about Scorpius Malfoy. Since I haven't included him in the first chapter, he might be an interesting plot device later. Thanks for taking the time to review this! Report Review
Wow this was a really good chapter. I think you captured Draco's personality perfectly. He was cocky, like a Slytherin, but he still retained that fear and cowardice that we all knew was in him throughout this whole ordeal in the books but never actually got a chance to see. You managed to give a new perspective to the story we already know and love and executed it brilliantly in my opinion. Nearing the end of it I actually had the same exact feelings that I had when I was reading DH, that heart pounding anticipation, even though I already knew what was going to happen this time. Seeing all the events through Draco's eyes gave the final battle a different feel, the emotions that Draco felt going through everything were much the same as Harry's, and yet totally and utterly different, and you captured them well. The story definitely reflected Draco's feelings from start to finish, his anguish, anticipation, fear, cowardice, determination, and even the brief moment of relief at the end. Definitely a well written chapter, I enjoyed reading it immensely. Report Review
For a story that I came into 16 chapters late I was really interested in the story. It was easy for me to catch on to what was happening and the characterization of the characters was well written so I got a good sense of each of the character's personalities from just this one chapter. Your descriptions are really good, I particularly liked the part where you described the wind blowing Avril's hair on the Astronomy Tower with Sirius. There were a few typos here and there that I would recommend another read through to change, but they weren't anything exceptionally glaring. The relationship between Sirius and Avril seems really intense and I really liked reading the interactions between the two of them it was really well written. As far as flow goes I think you've really nailed it, the chapter was easy to read, and coming into the story so late I was still able to figure out what was going on. I think you're doing a really good job with this story and it's a very interesting plot.Author's Response: I'm glad you were able to pick up what was going on without having to read the other chapters. It's good to hear that.
And thank you for reviewing so quickly! :) Report Review
Another great chapter, I really enjoy reading your writing. Seeing all of this through Pansy's eyes is really interesting, not something I would have thought I'd enjoy, but I really like the way you've written her character. I spent all those years reading HP and hating Pansy and here I am actually liking her haha. You've definitely succeeded in writing her character in a believable way. I really felt her tension on her birthday too, when Draco gave her the necklace, it almost made me shudder. I can't believe she didn't show Draco the letter, but I really liked the inner conflict that she had in regards to that, you've really done a great job of developing her relationship with and feelings toward Draco. I'd like to see more of her interactions with Draco though so we can start to see more of his character as well and the way he interacts with her through Pansy's eyes. There were a few typos but I think I only noticed one or two but they weren't anything terrible. I'm excited to see how Pansy reacts to meeting her father. Keep up the good work.Author's Response: Thank you my dear! I love hearing that about Pansy because that's one of the reasons I love writing from her perspective, is to take a character so hated and give her substance. And I was so excited to finally post the necklace scene, as it's the first real twist we see on their relationship that they are not typical best friends. I completely agree with you though, when I re-read these chapters, I'm like uh, where is Draco?! I think I get so absorbed in writing Pansy thinking about him that I forget to actually put him in. Hopefully the next few chapters will satisfy you though, as there will be more Draco present and also more Draco flashbacks that show the different stages of their relationship.
Thank you so much for your help, you're so kind and helpful! Report Review
I think this is a really clever idea for a story. It's very unique and definitely interesting to read. Your writing style is amazing, you drew me in from the very beginning with your vivid descriptions. From what I've seen so far I love the character of Selefina, a totally hardcore girl that's gotten her name in legends for her feats. I can't wait to see more of her actual interaction with people outside of the hunt. The minister seems like a total tool and its great, having a character that the readers love to hate is always great to read. I really look forward to seeing the interaction between Wesley and Selefina since they seem like totally opposite personalities and I think it will be very interesting. I think you're definitely on the right track with this story and you should keep going with it.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing!
Glad you like the story XD I really appreciate it!
I actually wrote this story imagining that the "excerpt" was the actual start of the story. Serefina in the jungle, hunting some beasts (before she gets a letter from the Minister of Magic, asking for help with their pesky problem). But it never seemed to fit. Then Wesley came to mind. Once he came into the picture, Serefina's character changed and the excerpt no longer fit her. Though it did fit the fictional her. Hope you'll like the real Serefina as much as the fictional one. Crossed fingers, I hope you like her better XD
Again, thank you for this amazing review! I'll be sure to re-request when the new chapter is out! Report Review
Another good chapter. Again I think another read through would be a good idea, there were a few typos or extra words here and there. One in particular that I noticed was when you said "She was a Squib, but Joseph made it a point not to tell other people know that." It should be either "made it a point not to tell other people that" or "made it a point not to let other people know that." Other than that I think the chapter is quite well done. Seeing the story from each of the character's POVs is a very clever idea. Sometimes I feel like Nicholas and Joseph are the same person. There personalities are very similar, minus the fact that Joseph is sort of a player and Nicholas is not. This might also be due to the fact that there were times when I became confused as to who was talking. Sometimes you used the word 'he' too many times and I became confused as to whether it was Joseph or Nicholas was talking. I would like to see more dialogue between the characters so that we can see more of their personality in the way they talk and not just in the things that have happened to them, plus from what I've seen so far their interactions are quite enjoyable to read. I like that you've made Anna's character still quite Slytherin-like even though she has all of these friends from different houses and is quite unbiased. I'm enjoying reading this story very much I can't wait to see what comes next.Author's Response: I'll have to look into that stuff soon. I probably didn't re-read it after I wrote it. But thank you! :) Report Review
This is an interesting story. I would recommend another proofreading as I noticed a few typos throughout the chapter. They weren't anything glaring that drastically interrupted the reading of the story but it's always a good idea to get rid of them anyway. There isn't much to say as it's only the first chapter, I'm definitely interested in the story itself. I like that there is a group of friends, one from each house, and that Anna actually went out of her way to make sure that she got a best friend from each house, it didn't just happen to end up that way. There isn't much about their personalities just yet, just what Anna thinks about each of them, and how she remembers them when they were all in their first year, but the flashbacks are a very clever idea to give the readers insight into the other characters. Your descriptions are really well done and your writing style keeps me intrigued in the story. So far so good.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! :) Report Review
Ok, I'm going to start off with one of the most minor suggestions because it really is silly it's just something that I notice because it has a story behind it for me, otherwise I'm not a huge grammar buff. But the very first sentence of the chapter you say Potions is about "preciseness" but in that sentence it should actually be Potions is about "precision", just something I feel the need to say :). But more importantly, I think this is another great chapter, your writing really is amazing. I love how you've written Pansy, I actually want to read from her POV and know what's going to happen next. I think you've hit Draco's character pretty well, the classic snide but playful Slytherin. I also really enjoy Blaise's character, he's a lot of fun to read and I love his dirty and sadistic humor. I like that everyone seems to know about Pansy liking Draco despite how hard she tries to stay cool around him. And the flashbacks to when Pansy and Draco were children are great to read, they give insight into their characters now without having to read long lists of characteristics or drawn out dialogue. There were a few times I noticed typos or the wrong use of 'there', 'their' and 'they're' so I suggest proofreading again, but it wasn't anything that made me have to backtrack too much. I definitely think that you should pick this story back up and get back into writing it because I would love to know what Pansy's dad said and where this all is going.Author's Response: Again, you are really such a helpful reviewer and I am so grateful. And again, thank you for pointing out the typos- I'll go through and read again, its just a case of things coming out of my brain and onto to screen and getting lost in translation, I suspect.
Draco is one of the characters that I find slightly harder to write, not because he is difficult, but because I am trying hard to express his character from Pansy's POV, which is completely biased, while also giving the reader clues to things that she doesn't fully understand yet. So I can only hope Draco doesn't veer off into strange directions for me, because I am determined not to cheat like I did in my last story and start writing from his POV as well.
Blaise is just a guilty pleasure for me. He is so much fun to write; he's like a friend I wish I had. And he really gives you a contrast to Draco and Pansy, who take themselves and each other so seriously.
I am glad you enjoy the flashbacks because frankly, the main reasons they're there is because I hate long lists of characteristics, because I am not a fantastic dialogue writer, and because I figure if I'm going to write from a character's point of view, their history plays a major role in how they see things. Pansy can't look at Draco without seeing their whole history together, its what makes their relationship complicated.
I am so glad you enjoyed, you're incredibly generous and helpful with your time. I hope you will look into the next chapter- which I'm about to post!- and keep enjoying. Report Review
This is actually a really good story. I was skeptical going into it since it was written from Pansy's POV and I didn't really know what to expect. Your writing is absolutely exquisite. Your attention to detail is amazing, you really grasp the reader's attention and keep them hooked. I loved reading you writing it was so riveting and well done. A few things I noticed when reading were "he teased, lightly placing brushing the small of her back with his hand" which tripped me up at first and I assume should be "lightly brushing the small of her back" and not have the word placing in it. Also, "She'd rather plan my every movement on a day to day business" I believe the phrase is "a day to day basis" not business. Also a few typos here and there that really didn't interrupt the flow of the reading too much though, I might suggest another proofread but it wasn't anything horribly offending. I was a little concerned with Pansy's character at first, in HP we see her as very doting when it comes to Draco, smoothing his hair when he lays his head in her lap and other things like that, where as here she's quite stand offish when she's around him playing the Slytherin character a lot more. I like how you've written her though, secretly in awe of him and trying to stay calm, cool and collected when he and others are around, I think I prefer this personality of hers to JK's. I really can't express how much I love your writing though it's captivating and extremely well done and definitely makes for a good read.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the incredible feedback! I will go in and fix those typos straight away, I think it was just a case of changing my wording and forgetting to change the sentence properly. I love betas too much to subject one to my insanity, so I end up with some typos sometimes.
Pansy's character to me is a conflicted one. I completely agree with you, as far as the doting etc goes. I think I will be able to clear this up in the net few chapters; in my mind it is a case of perspective. Harry sees her doting on him and being absolutely devoted, while when we see it in her mind, it isn't a big deal- he's her best friend. Its completely casual, so from her perspective it doesn't come up. What does come up in her thoughts are more of her struggle to remain objective when really she's as subjective to him as can be. What really matters to her is what happens when others aren't looking.
Thank you so much for your help, I am really glad you enjoyed this! Report Review
So I really like this story so far, I love the idea of this little girl being so full of life and the way that she makes Dean feel so much better and how she just lights up everything about her. I really like the way that you've written her character. In the beginning of this chapter, however, there is a solid paragraph just basically just lists all of the things about Dean, his personality, what he does with his life since the war, pretty much anything that would describe his character in this story. I think it would be better and more effective for the story if you let Dean's attributes come out more slowly, as the chapter goes on and as he interacts with others and thinks. Simply listing all of those things right out in the beginning and in such a bland way takes the excitement out of reading the story and there is so much more that happens in the chapter that is so interesting that it would be better to start off more naturally. The way you have it now just seems very forced.Author's Response: Yeah, I knew it was kind of lame, that sort of thing will be avoided in future chapters : ) Report Review
An interesting story, I', curious to see where it goes from here. A few things I noticed: there were some changes in tense that made the reading awkward, i.e "Mr. Green asked; hold a plate of cake out in front of him." and "Neville made his way slowly wish he could light his way with his wand." Should be "holding a plate" and "wishing he could". Also the dialogue seems off, it just doesn't seem the way that Neville would talk, it doesn't seem characteristic of him when he's talking to McGonagall. I like where you're going with the character of Eliza though. She seems totally unphased by the fact that Neville is a wizard, she was more interested in the butterflies then the fact that he created them with magic. She seems very happy and playful and childish in the most innocent and sweetest way possible and it's nice to see a character like that.Author's Response: Thank you for the help, I'll go back and edit the chapter : )
I'm pleased to know that you like Eliza, I really wanted a character that people would enjoy reading, something fresh. Report Review
The first time I read this I had to take a step back and take a few hours to think about it before I could write a review. First of all I don't know how I feel about the relationship between Lily and James. Clearly this all takes place after Harry has already been born and I don't see why Lily would marry James out of pity or stay with him and have a family if she still hates him. For some reason it just doesn't seem believable to me. The relationship between Mary and Sirius however does seem very believable. Sirius' actions are very plausible and I could totally see him behaving the way he does when celebrating for the reasons that Mary gives. The fight between James and Sirius also seems off. Sirius and James are the best of friends, they're like brothers, I don't think insulting each others wives would lead to such drastic measures as ending their friendship. I liked the ending though, well "ending" I guess. It's not exactly an ending per say but I still enjoyed it. It tied into canon so that where this left off we already know where it continues which makes it on par with an ending for me haha. But that was just content so that's mostly personal preference. As far as structure and the more technical stuff I felt that the story as a whole was rushed. It jumped around a lot and I know that you were trying to get to the point and include all of the necessary information along the way but in order to do that when all the information happened in so many different times made the story feel rushed as if I wasn't getting enough information along the way. On the other hand your writing style was great and your descriptions were amazing. I felt everyone's emotions throughout the story. Keep writing I hope to read more from you.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I'm sorry the response took so long.
The way I saw it, Lily doesn't hate James, just Mary.
I'm glad you think Mary and Sirius' relationship is realistic, I tried to make it so, as much as possible.
I'm glad you liked the ending; thank you. Ha, awesome.
Hmm, rushed? I'll try to fix that, I feel very bad.
Thank you so much for the lovely review, it means so much. (:
-Jasmine Report Review
Another great chapter. Your writing style gets better with every chapter. I really believed Melissa's emotions when she was staring at her dead parents and Derek. I absolutely LOVE Alexis' character. I love to see a female character that can hold her own and keep her head on straight and doesn't even know the meaning of emotions, they're my favorite kind of character to write and read about and you've definitely hit that personality on the nail with Alexis. It's well written and not over done so that it seems forced, her character is totally believable. I'm still a little iffy on Caitlin though, she doesn't do much in this chapter and it just sort of makes me feel like she's just there and doesn't really play a part in the whole situation when I feel like she must since she is a witch as well. The flashback with Derek confused me though, he's dead so I don't see why having that insight into him would play much of a part, but he seems to have an evil streak which concerns me when it comes to Alexis, because I really like Alexis and I want her to be good, I really, really want her to be good :) haha. I love that Remus is playing a big part in this story, I really like Remus and I hope that he has a lot more to contribute. Melissa reads minds? I am so interested it's not even funny, I want to know what that's all about so bad. I really like Melissa's character too, she's determined and she knows what she wants, but she's still emotional and connected, another great kind of personality that I love to read. This story is really taking a great turn and I'm really enjoying reading it. Continue writing and please let me know when chapter 5 is up :).Author's Response: :D
Seriously, you make my day everytime I read a review from you.
Alexis and Melissa(: Ahh, I love to write them, and I think that part is kind of obvious, as they are so much more developed than Caitlin. Caitlin's character makes me want to literally headdesk sometimes. As I am still in the process of writing chapter five, I will make sure to put in some more character details, and whatnot for her.
I love Remus too, he's really hard for me to write correctly though! I have a hard time trying to balance between what we learn about him in the books, and what you typically read in fanfiction.
Annndd I can't say anything else about your lovely comments without disclosing top secret FBI information. (:
Thanks again for your lovely review!
-Chanel Report Review
A very interesting story line. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it though since it's so drastic. I will say that your writing is very good, you have great descriptions, like the beginning with how the sky looked. And I definitely felt Lily's fear throughout the whole thing. The part where Lily and James were arguing seemed off to me in some way. I'm not exactly sure how, but I think it just seemed fake to me for some reason. I wouldn't imagine that Lily or James would act the way that they did in that argument, and I certainly don't think that James would ever accuse Lily of not caring about Harry, he was the one that was head over heels for her from the beginning after all. I also don't think that James would ever talk about Dumbledore the way that he did, since James left his invisibility cloak to Dumbledore I always felt that James held him in very high esteem. Of course since they aren't in the books really there isn't anything to compare them to or anyway to keep them canon, that's just how I feel based on what we do know of James, but there is a lot of creative license here. Other than that I think that everything else is quite believable and this chapter is well written.Author's Response: Thanks, your review offers a really different viewpoint and I'll consider it. Thanks so much! Report Review
Wow...that's really all I can say to this is wow. I can't tell you how much I felt Lily and Sirius' pain. When they were together and they were happy it made my stomach flip right along with Lily's when I realized that she was dating James at the same time. And when Sirius was hurt by her moving her foot away from him and her being so happy with James I felt his anger. And when he broke her heart like that...oh my god it was all I could do not to cry. I felt Lily's heart break, and I felt Sirius' heart break. It was the saddest thing I've ever read. I don't generally enjoy one-shots unless they have an actual ending and this one did so that was good, and my emotions were all over the place throughout this entire story, you really made me feel the way that they felt it was heart wrenching. Excellently written this is by far the saddest thing I've ever read and I think that you did an amazing job writing this and I absolutely believed the Sirius/Lily ship in this and I can't stand Sirius and Lily together. Job well done, I hope to read more from you.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I can't tell you how much reading this review made me smile. (:
I'm sorry it made you sad, but I wanted to write a 'realistic' reasoning for Lily and Sirius to break up, without it being "because of the baby".
Thank you so, so, so much for the lovely review. (I do warn you, though, if you do end up reading other stories of mine, many of my one-shots don't have 'endings' like this one does.)
-Jasmine Report Review
I'm interested, I'm not sure where this is going but it's definitely an intriguing story so far, I like the concept of their being another Malfoy. There wasn't much characterization in this chapter so I can't tell you very much about how you wrote the Malfoys. But the fact that Lucius would attack his son from behind and with a partner. Lucius is definitely a cowardly kind of person, and if Match is supposed to be strong (as I'm assuming he is) then that is definitely an action that I could see Lucius taking. As for Narcissa, she is definitely the sweeter one of the two, many fanfictions choose to portray her as a much kinder gentler parent then Lucius, however in order to do that you need to keep in mind that you need have a reason for why Narcissa being so sweet and kind would be married to a terrible evil person like Lucius. It just isn't plausible that someone as kind as you have written Narcissa to be would be married to someone as evil as Lucius by choice. There should be a catch, perhaps Lucius forced her into the marriage, or maybe Narcissa is only that sweet when it comes to Match, or in private, which would be believable since she was quite harsh when Match walked into the room she was in before running into Lucius. I get the feeling that Match is the odd one out since the boy in the room (who I assume to be Draco) smirked at him and Draco is the more precious child. I'm excited to see how this progresses, be sure to come back to my thread for chapter two when it's up. Report Review
Wow, I really like this. The concept is totally new and original and very clever. I love the mystery aspect to it, not knowing what's happening or what's going to happen. Andy's character is very intriguing to me. I always love a good, strong, independent and pissed off chick for a character. Her kind of personality is great and really makes me want to read more to see what kind of trouble she gets into and how she gets out of it. I've never read The Shining so I can't attest to how your writing style compares to Stephen King's but I can tell you that I absolutely LOVED the way you wrote this story. The side notes in the parentheses were incredibly clever and really drove the story forward. If this is how The Shining is written I think I may have to read that book because I really loved this story, I think the way that you wrote it really made it and put it over the top. I also love that you put in Piers Polkiss as a character, you don't see much of him in FFs but this is a great concept that you have. I really loved when you added in that Andy heard the Jaws theme song in her head when looking at The Leaky Cauldron, because I always do that when intense and/or scary things happen in real life I always sing the Jaws theme song and that made me smile, as did the comment about the economic cutbacks and the light at the end of the tunnel, very clever. One thing I'm concerned about is the fact that Andy can see The Leaky Cauldron. It was always assumed in the HP books that muggles couldn't see The Leaky Cauldron and that was why they passed right by it without looking at it. Now I don't know if you plan on making Andy turn out to be a witch (in which case ignore me on this) or your just choosing to interpret the HP book in a different way, since I know that it never actually says that muggles can't see The Leaky Cauldron, simply that they pass by it without glancing at it and Harry assumes that they can't see it, and that is why you added in that Andy wouldn't have given the place a look if the man hadn't walked there. Just something that I thought I'd point out though. But seriously, a really good storyline and I can't wait to see more. Please let me know when the second chapter is up on my thread, I have special openings for story updates. And good luck.Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as you did!
But, yeah, the parenthesis I got from Stephen King. He writes like that in almost all his books. I loved that about his writing. Oh, and about the Leaky Cauldron. I know that Muggles aren't supposed to see it but I can't really tell you why she can cause that might ruin it. Haha. It just has to do with The Shining and that she's special. That's all I can really say.
Thank you for taking your time to read and I will definetely tell you when there is an update :) Report Review
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